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1
00:00:02,969 --> 00:00:03,735
Look at me.
2
00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:05,804
If you ever feel like you
aren't good enough
3
00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:09,641
because you don't meet
society's standards of beauty,
4
00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:10,709
well, this one's for you.
5
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:14,412
♪ You are gorgeous
no matter what you do ♪
6
00:00:14,414 --> 00:00:18,750
♪ You are perfect
no matter how you act ♪
7
00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:22,554
♪ Where my glamorous
girls at? ♪
8
00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:27,526
♪ You better
accept the fact... ♪
9
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:28,994
♪ You're beautiful ♪
10
00:00:28,996 --> 00:00:31,396
Next up, we've got Amber.
11
00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:33,732
♪♪
12
00:01:07,633 --> 00:01:12,203
Keep your chins held high and
your empathy nonexistent.
13
00:01:12,205 --> 00:01:13,238
You do you, girl.
14
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:16,474
And, if you want,
I'mma do you, too.
15
00:01:17,510 --> 00:01:20,679
♪♪
16
00:02:42,728 --> 00:02:46,464
♪ You are gorgeous
no matter what you do ♪
17
00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:50,835
♪ You are perfect no matter
how you act ♪
18
00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:54,673
♪ Where are my
glamorous girls at? ♪
19
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:57,609
♪ You better accept
the fact... ♪
20
00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:59,878
(screaming)
21
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,613
♪ You're beautiful ♪♪
22
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,716
♪♪
23
00:03:11,624 --> 00:03:12,223
♪♪
24
00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:16,394
(man)
Perfect matches is filmed
before a live studio audience.
25
00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:20,231
(newscaster) Tonight on the 7:15
news, is your husband cheating
on you
26
00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:21,599
with a hotter woman?
27
00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:22,801
Wait, what?
28
00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:24,703
(laughing)
29
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,805
(cheering and applause)
30
00:03:29,442 --> 00:03:30,875
Are you cheating on me?
31
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:32,377
(laughing)
Shhh.
32
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:33,778
The Girl Scouts are comin'.
33
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:36,481
So?
So, I owe 'em $2,000.
34
00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:37,916
(laughing)
35
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,751
(woman)
Hello,
anyone there?
36
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:40,385
Oh my God.
37
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:41,753
They got in the back door.
38
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,188
(laughing)
39
00:03:43,190 --> 00:03:45,223
Here...
Hide under this.
40
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,158
(laughing)
41
00:03:51,497 --> 00:03:52,964
When's lunch?
42
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:54,766
(cheering)
43
00:03:57,803 --> 00:03:59,237
It's just Amy.
44
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,806
I thought you were a Girl Scout.
45
00:04:01,808 --> 00:04:03,641
Thanks.
46
00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:05,176
Going sailing?
47
00:04:05,178 --> 00:04:05,810
(laughing)
48
00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:09,781
Actually, I'm about to go
take care of some business.
49
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:12,283
(laughing)
50
00:04:14,186 --> 00:04:15,320
I'm terrified.
51
00:04:15,322 --> 00:04:18,156
I think Ralphie's
cheating on me.
52
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:20,859
With what, a doughnut hole?
53
00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:23,128
(slight laughter)
54
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:25,530
(cheering)
55
00:04:26,665 --> 00:04:30,468
(whooping and whistling)
56
00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:35,640
Don't you knock?
57
00:04:35,642 --> 00:04:36,608
We don't knock.
58
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,843
The postman always rings twice.
59
00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:41,079
(laughing)
60
00:04:43,816 --> 00:04:45,450
You look very nice, Amy.
61
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:46,518
I like your haircut.
62
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,086
(audience "ooooh" ing)
63
00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:50,321
Aren't you just supposed
to deliver the mail
64
00:04:50,323 --> 00:04:52,824
and not pickup lines?
65
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:53,358
Come on.
66
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,260
When are you going
to let me take you out?
67
00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:56,127
Huh?
68
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,929
(cheering and clapping)
69
00:04:57,931 --> 00:05:01,466
Your breath's already
doing it from there.
70
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:04,202
(a few laughs)
71
00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:05,870
(cheering)
72
00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:07,405
Candy!
73
00:05:07,407 --> 00:05:12,043
Hey!
(whooping)
74
00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:14,913
Anybody see Candy?
75
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:17,182
Ralphie, every day of his life.
76
00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:19,951
Hey, uh, ease up
on the fat jokes.
77
00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:21,319
That's my scripted line.
78
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,021
You're blowing this.
79
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,522
Hey, are those new jeans?
80
00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:25,356
I like 'em.
81
00:05:25,358 --> 00:05:26,591
Oh, yeah...
Thanks.
82
00:05:26,593 --> 00:05:27,892
Is there a mirror
in your pocket,
83
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:30,161
because I sure can
see myself in 'em.
84
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,730
(one man clears throat)
85
00:05:32,732 --> 00:05:36,067
'Cause that would mean that
we would have had sex.
86
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,035
(man)
We heard you.
87
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:39,370
(Bonnie)
No one is even
listening to me.
88
00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:42,874
I think Ralphie's
seeing someone else.
89
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:46,077
(laughing)
90
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:48,479
Well, we know it's not his feet.
91
00:05:48,481 --> 00:05:49,747
(man)
No.
92
00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:51,082
What the fuck is going on today?
93
00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:52,984
(hooting, toilet flushing)
94
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:58,423
Hey, everybody, I just took a
huge dump 'cause I'm so fat.
95
00:05:58,425 --> 00:06:00,425
(loud laughing)
96
00:06:04,496 --> 00:06:06,564
Ralphie, you're not that fat.
97
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:08,800
For a sperm whale.
98
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:10,468
(groaning)
99
00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:11,369
Why?
Why?
100
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:14,639
No, every joke is that he's
so fat and you guys love it.
101
00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:16,875
(booing)
No, no, fuck you.
102
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:17,575
What... no.
103
00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:19,177
This show is not funny.
104
00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:19,844
It's disgusting.
105
00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:23,481
It's a horrible depiction
of an Indian man, first of all.
106
00:06:23,483 --> 00:06:24,616
When is lunch?
107
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:26,251
(uproarious laughter)
108
00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:26,784
No.
109
00:06:26,786 --> 00:06:28,253
You're all fucking sheep.
110
00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:29,754
These jokes aren't funny.
111
00:06:29,756 --> 00:06:33,057
You're just used to the
rhythms and laughing at them!
112
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,192
No!
(crowd chanting)
113
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:36,127
Where are you taking me?
114
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:41,099
(cheering and clapping)
115
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:44,269
(screaming, gun fires)
116
00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:45,203
Amy?
117
00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:46,537
You look different.
118
00:06:46,539 --> 00:06:50,808
Yeah, you know,
I feel different.
119
00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:52,176
(laughing)
120
00:06:52,178 --> 00:06:54,145
Honey, I've got terrible news.
121
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:56,881
(gasping)
Are you
cheating on me?
122
00:06:56,883 --> 00:06:59,250
No, the toilet's broken.
123
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:00,952
(laughing)
124
00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:04,889
I was so scared,
jinga-binga-boom.
125
00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:08,593
You got nothing to
bow-wawow-wowow.
(laughing)
126
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,795
Dubba-lubba-dubba-chowm-chowm.
127
00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:12,697
(laughing)
128
00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:14,299
La-la-la-lala-la.
129
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:15,466
(silence)
130
00:07:15,468 --> 00:07:17,502
Hey, badda-boom-bop-boom.
131
00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:19,404
(laughing)
132
00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:20,571
When's lunch?
133
00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:24,943
(cheering, music playing)
134
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:28,179
(cheering grows louder)
135
00:07:30,015 --> 00:07:32,150
(machine winding down)
136
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:34,519
♪♪
137
00:07:34,521 --> 00:07:35,753
What's your favorite sitcom?
138
00:07:35,755 --> 00:07:38,790
"Barney Miller."
Oh, that's a classic.
139
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,658
Are you a 109?
Almost.
140
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:42,360
Are there any sitcoms
that you watch now.
141
00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:45,997
My favorite TV show
is "Inside Amy Schumer."
142
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:49,033
So full of shit... You've
never watched an episode.
143
00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:50,835
I've watched the one I was in.
144
00:07:50,837 --> 00:07:52,670
Narcissist.
145
00:07:52,672 --> 00:07:55,173
♪♪
146
00:07:56,875 --> 00:07:59,677
♪♪
147
00:07:59,679 --> 00:08:00,244
Excuse me.
148
00:08:00,246 --> 00:08:02,580
I think my internet
bill's too low.
149
00:08:02,582 --> 00:08:03,514
Too low?
150
00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:04,449
That's a surprise.
151
00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:06,551
My wife says I'm
pretty unpredictable.
152
00:08:06,553 --> 00:08:08,820
No, I meant a surprise sale.
153
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,021
With the Mobile C family plan,
154
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,156
we'll give you a surprise
discount once a year
155
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,158
as a way of saying
thanks for making us
156
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,828
your 4G wireless
hotspot provider.
157
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,296
I didn't expect that.
158
00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:19,797
Surprise.
159
00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:20,565
(man)
Cut!
160
00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:21,766
(bell ringing)
Okay, fine.
161
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:24,469
Um, can we get a part
in her bangs?
162
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:25,403
Just a part right there?
163
00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:26,504
Hair?
That was fun.
164
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:29,240
So, wha-what is that
exactly... a hotspot?
165
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:30,341
It's like wifi?
166
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:31,175
Amy, great stuff.
167
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,610
Really great... so adorkable.
168
00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:34,178
So awkward...
I love it.
169
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,179
Steve, who is this guy...
170
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:36,981
(stammering)
Who are you, Steve?
171
00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:38,683
Uh, I think he's just,
like, a normal guy.
172
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:39,784
Yeah, that's how
you're playing it.
173
00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:40,818
That's the problem, Steve.
174
00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:42,754
He's not a normal guy, you know?
175
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:43,788
It's not a normal day.
176
00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:44,689
It's a special day.
177
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,424
See, he's meeting Amy, right?
178
00:08:46,426 --> 00:08:47,959
Mmm.
The Mobile C girl.
179
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:49,560
Mmm.
Look at her,
she's beautiful.
180
00:08:49,562 --> 00:08:54,866
How often does this guy get
to talk to a girl like this?
181
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,401
Right, right,
got it.
Right?
182
00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:58,002
Okay, great.
Rolling.
183
00:08:58,004 --> 00:09:00,805
So... because I have
wifi in my apartment.
184
00:09:00,807 --> 00:09:01,539
And action!
185
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:04,976
Excuse me, I think my
internet bill's too low.
186
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:05,743
Too low?
187
00:09:05,745 --> 00:09:06,644
That's a surprise.
188
00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:09,047
Well, my wife says I'm
pretty unpredictable.
189
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,748
(man)
Cut!
(bell ringing)
190
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:11,816
What are you doing?
191
00:09:11,818 --> 00:09:13,484
(Steve)
Wh...
You're flirting with her?
192
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:15,386
Well, you just said
she was something else.
193
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:16,521
That take felt
really good to me.
194
00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:20,525
Amy, you are perfect, you are
an angel and I love you.
195
00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:22,593
Can we fix these bangs, please?
196
00:09:22,595 --> 00:09:27,231
Does anybody here know what a
goddamn bangs part looks like?
197
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,733
Steve, can I talk to you?
198
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:29,233
Yeah.
199
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:30,968
Have you seen
these commercials, Steve?
200
00:09:30,970 --> 00:09:31,736
Be honest with me.
201
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,571
Mobile C commercials?
Any of 'em.
202
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,173
Car commercials...
Uh, insurance...
203
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,575
Cell phones,
prescription pills, whatever.
Yeah, yeah.
204
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,744
In every one,
you've got a girl, right?
205
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:40,411
A nice girl.
206
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,146
We like the girl,
the girl is the company.
207
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:44,515
You can't flirt with
a company, Steve.
208
00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:46,117
You can't fuck the company.
209
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:46,818
Huh?
210
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:47,685
You don't have a shot.
211
00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:48,719
Okay, you just said she's sexy.
212
00:09:48,721 --> 00:09:51,355
Not sexy...
She's got an oxford shirt on.
213
00:09:51,357 --> 00:09:52,023
She's beautiful.
214
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:54,725
Like a picture of your mother
when she was a young woman.
215
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:56,027
And, you, you're
John Q. Dickhead
216
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:58,129
going into her store
to say hello.
217
00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:01,332
And you're lucky she even
gives you the time of day,
218
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,434
so you want to make it last.
219
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,335
You make a little joke.
220
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:06,170
You share a little laugh,
but the whole time
221
00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:07,705
you're trying to
hang onto that moment.
222
00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:10,041
That moment where you, a grown
man with no dick
223
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:13,077
and a child's hobbies gets
to talk to the Mobile C girl
224
00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:14,412
for a second before you go back
225
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:16,881
to your useless,
stupid fucking life.
226
00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:17,415
Got it.
227
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:20,384
That's how people out
there see themselves, Steve.
228
00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:22,487
Awkward...
Uncomfortable.
229
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:23,454
Can't make eye contact.
230
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,923
They sit at home going click,
click, click, click, click,
231
00:10:25,925 --> 00:10:27,091
well, I'll guess
I'll go to the store
232
00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:30,661
and buy a mobile hotspot for the
wifi router in my porn dungeon,
233
00:10:30,663 --> 00:10:32,663
because I let
my life come to this.
234
00:10:32,665 --> 00:10:33,664
Huh?
235
00:10:33,666 --> 00:10:34,332
Rolling!
236
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:35,766
Oh, so it's a router.
237
00:10:35,768 --> 00:10:36,634
Action!
238
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:41,606
Excuse, I think my, uh,
internet bill is too low.
239
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:42,507
Too low?
240
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:43,474
That's a surprise.
241
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:44,942
My wife says I'm
pretty unpredictable.
242
00:10:44,944 --> 00:10:46,911
(man)
Okay, we're gonna cut to
the wife here, Steve,
243
00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:48,212
so can I just see a hate her.
244
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:50,915
Can I just see a hate
your wife's guts.
245
00:10:50,917 --> 00:10:53,618
You hate your family,
but you love Mobile C.
246
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:54,385
You love Mobile C
247
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,087
because it's a girl
who's being nice to you.
248
00:10:56,089 --> 00:11:00,491
Your family is trash, but
the phone company is a girl
249
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:05,029
who gets you and little
shrug back to Amy perfect.
250
00:11:05,031 --> 00:11:08,699
No, I meant a surprise sale,
you silly, wonderful man.
251
00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:10,401
Mobile C will give
you a surprise
252
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,970
as a way of saying thanks.
253
00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:15,439
(man)
That's it, Steve...
That's the spot.
254
00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:16,641
Guy on the edge.
255
00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:17,909
Nothing to live for.
256
00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:19,677
He's thinking of burning
it all to the ground
257
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,013
with a rifle he bought
on the Mexican Internet
258
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,382
until holy shit,
this sweet woman
259
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:25,983
gives him 10 seconds reprieve
260
00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:27,151
from his own screaming mind.
261
00:11:27,153 --> 00:11:30,788
So maybe the reckoning can wait
for another day, huh, Steve?
262
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:33,691
That's who's watching TV, Steve.
263
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,760
People on the fuckin' brink.
264
00:11:35,762 --> 00:11:37,528
Mobile C saves the day
265
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:42,066
and awkward... keep
it fun... very cute.
266
00:11:42,068 --> 00:11:45,336
Bangs are perfect and rolling!
267
00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:48,139
It's our way of saying thanks.
268
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:51,075
Didn't expect that.
269
00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:52,176
Surprise.
270
00:11:52,178 --> 00:11:53,711
What the fuck is this?
271
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,780
♪♪
272
00:12:01,687 --> 00:12:03,854
♪♪
273
00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:07,225
So, the water just has
cucumber slices in it.
274
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,993
I saw it at a spa
and I thought, like,
275
00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:10,828
I could do that at home.
276
00:12:10,830 --> 00:12:12,263
(all agree)
277
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:13,531
Um, you guys...
278
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:14,098
Yeah.
279
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:16,033
I'm so glad that
we all got pregnant
280
00:12:16,035 --> 00:12:17,535
at the exact same time.
281
00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:18,536
(all agree)
282
00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:19,303
Isn't it a treat?
283
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:20,871
Oh, have you guys figured
out your birth plans?
284
00:12:20,873 --> 00:12:21,839
Oh, yeah, for months.
285
00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:23,474
All I know is that I
want a natural birth
286
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:25,343
and definitely not a epidural.
287
00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:27,345
I mean...
Oh, my God,
of course not.
288
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:28,579
It's better for the baby.
289
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,547
It is better for the baby.
290
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:30,615
So much better for the baby.
291
00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:32,049
Yeah.
We are having
a water birth,
292
00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:34,218
but instead of water,
we are gonna to fill
293
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:36,087
the tub with
gender-neutral barley.
294
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:39,557
Which is also the name of the
baby it will be better for.
295
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:41,692
(woman 2)
Oh, what
a cute name.
Little Barley.
296
00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:43,027
(woman)
You see how well
that goes together.
297
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:45,663
My midwife suggested
a sea turtle birth.
298
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:46,297
What is that?
299
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:47,865
Oh, it's when you
give birth on a beach
300
00:12:47,867 --> 00:12:51,002
and you dig a small hole and
you kick sand on the baby
301
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:53,904
and you see if it crawls into
the ocean or into your arms.
302
00:12:53,906 --> 00:12:56,641
Wow.
It's better
for the baby.
303
00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:57,341
You know what?
304
00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:58,609
I would be careful,
though, with a midwife.
305
00:12:58,611 --> 00:12:59,810
Even though they're not
technically doctors,
306
00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:01,512
they still have some
medical training.
307
00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:02,546
(woman)
It's close enough.
308
00:13:02,548 --> 00:13:04,448
And I just don't trust Western
medicine at this point.
309
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:05,683
That's why I'm having my baby
310
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:07,518
on the highest
mountain top in Tibet
311
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,988
as far from real medical help
as is humanly possible.
312
00:13:10,990 --> 00:13:11,956
Oh yeah.
So smart.
313
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,257
My doula's
a Sherpa.
Oh.
314
00:13:13,259 --> 00:13:18,229
My doula is a three-month-old
baby, so she, like, gets it.
315
00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:20,831
Oh, hey, but right
when the baby's crowning,
316
00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:22,333
we're gonna take a bunch
of rose petals
317
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,368
and shove them up my
pussy so when she's born
318
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:28,005
it looks just like that
scene from American Beauty.
319
00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:30,274
Which is better for the baby.
320
00:13:30,276 --> 00:13:30,875
(gasps)
321
00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:32,043
My plan, when
the baby's half out,
322
00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:33,744
is to just put it in a heroin
balloon and just, like,
323
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:36,580
mule it to Tijuana
so it's bilingual.
324
00:13:36,582 --> 00:13:38,783
Que hora es son bebé.
325
00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:40,651
That means better for the baby.
326
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:41,619
(Woman)
Wow.
So beautiful.
327
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:44,789
Well, I hope you all plan
on eating the placenta.
328
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:45,456
Of course.
329
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,625
Nom, nom, nom,
nom, nom, nom, nom.
330
00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:48,526
Yum.
Every drop.
331
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:51,095
Except for the part that
you bury in the front yard.
332
00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:53,331
(Woman 2)
It's so full
of nutrients.
333
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,465
I'm just juicing it.
334
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:56,033
It's better for the mother.
335
00:13:56,035 --> 00:13:57,601
(gasps)
336
00:13:57,603 --> 00:13:58,469
Oh no.
337
00:13:58,471 --> 00:13:59,103
And the baby.
338
00:13:59,105 --> 00:14:02,306
Oh my God, you guys, I
don't care about myself.
339
00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:04,608
Oh my God, I don't care if
I die during childbirth.
340
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:06,444
I hope I die during childbirth.
341
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:07,345
That's how I feel.
342
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,746
A mother haunting their baby
343
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,481
is the best thing for the baby.
344
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,350
Yes.
I don't care
if my baby
345
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,485
splits my body in two,
346
00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:15,319
if my vagina doesn't look
347
00:14:15,321 --> 00:14:18,723
like the inside of a shark
mouth when Benoit is born,
348
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:21,258
I'm just gonna feel,
like, cheated.
349
00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:23,160
If I still have
two decipherable holes
350
00:14:23,162 --> 00:14:24,762
after this is all said and done,
351
00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:25,830
I'm gonna be pretty pissed.
352
00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:29,066
Oh, my God, so mad.
(woman)
Oh, my God,
shove it back in.
353
00:14:29,068 --> 00:14:30,801
Two holes.
354
00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,169
(sighs)
355
00:14:32,171 --> 00:14:34,538
So, Mena, what's
your birth plan?
356
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:35,740
I don't know.
357
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:37,074
When I go into labor
I think I'm just
358
00:14:37,076 --> 00:14:41,145
gonna go to the hospital
and do what the doctor says.
359
00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:42,847
♪♪
360
00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:45,349
(burbling)
361
00:14:47,419 --> 00:14:48,786
(groaning)
362
00:14:49,921 --> 00:14:51,622
(splashing)
363
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,691
(screaming)
364
00:14:54,526 --> 00:14:56,427
(screaming)
365
00:15:00,332 --> 00:15:02,066
(yowling)
366
00:15:05,270 --> 00:15:06,904
Mmm, cake pops.
367
00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:10,508
♪♪
368
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,343
What's the worst hotel you've
ever stayed at on the road?
369
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:16,046
I stayed in Howard Johnson's
in Virginia Beach and, uh,
370
00:15:16,048 --> 00:15:18,449
it was under
construction at the time.
371
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:19,116
What about you?
372
00:15:19,118 --> 00:15:21,719
I'd say Red Roof Inn
Youngstown, Ohio.
373
00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,654
There was pubes
all over the tub.
374
00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:25,823
That's just your
hair, Mark.
How do you know it was pubes?
375
00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:26,857
You could tell it was pubes
376
00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:28,492
because they
were short and curly.
377
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:29,059
Well...
378
00:15:29,061 --> 00:15:30,227
Well, I got pubes
up here, but...
379
00:15:30,229 --> 00:15:32,763
Mark just, like, knew in his
heart that they were pubes.
380
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:33,631
Yes.
381
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,966
♪♪
382
00:15:42,174 --> 00:15:43,107
(music playing)
383
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:47,178
Hello, welcome to the
Raddiston Inn in Canton, Ohio.
384
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:51,248
Nestled in the heart of
exit 107A off Interstate 77.
385
00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:54,618
The Raddiston Inn of Canton is
the perfect home away from home
386
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:58,189
for the length of you business
trip, road trip, pit stop
387
00:15:58,191 --> 00:16:00,391
or domestic squabble/dispute.
388
00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:03,260
Our business center is
located on the first floor,
389
00:16:03,262 --> 00:16:05,529
by the front desk,
off of the lobby.
390
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:08,532
Equipped with two
Compaq Presario computers
391
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:09,533
and a disconnected printer.
392
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:13,871
Our business center is perfect
for checking emails, weather,
393
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,639
and also emails.
394
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:19,176
We start serving free
continental breakfast at 7:30
395
00:16:19,178 --> 00:16:20,644
in the hotel lobby.
396
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:21,946
Try our soggy bread.
397
00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:24,114
There's a
French toast sign on it.
398
00:16:24,116 --> 00:16:26,484
Breakfast ends promptly
at 8:00 am.
399
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:27,184
No exceptions.
400
00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:31,522
After 8:00 am we will leave
out sad packets of butter,
401
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:32,756
peanut butter,
402
00:16:32,758 --> 00:16:35,192
butter, and jelly.
403
00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:36,327
All day.
404
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,729
Our fitness center is
located on the fourth floor
405
00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:40,731
and is accessible with
your room key.
406
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:44,268
Which doesn't matter,
because you'll never go.
407
00:16:44,270 --> 00:16:45,536
We used to have a poo...
408
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,138
(TV audio mutes)
409
00:16:48,140 --> 00:16:49,540
Marybeth?
410
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:50,140
Hey, listen.
411
00:16:50,142 --> 00:16:51,242
Can we just-can we just talk?
412
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:54,612
Can I-can I-can
I just talk to you?
413
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,780
God dammit!
414
00:16:58,617 --> 00:16:59,517
Zing predators.
415
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,385
Small children and
dogs are not allowed
416
00:17:01,387 --> 00:17:05,556
in the exotic bird room
for their own safety.
417
00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:11,295
Rent out our ballroom.
418
00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:14,632
I'm trapped in your television.
419
00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:16,200
Check out is 11:00 am.
420
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,801
They're serious about that.
421
00:17:17,803 --> 00:17:20,504
I overslept and now I'm
stuck in this waking nightmare
422
00:17:20,506 --> 00:17:23,274
until someone else
misses the cutoff.
423
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:24,174
I shouldn't warn you,
424
00:17:24,176 --> 00:17:26,343
but I wouldn't wish
this hell on anyone.
425
00:17:26,345 --> 00:17:27,044
I guess...
426
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,345
Adult entertainment is available
427
00:17:28,347 --> 00:17:30,381
by ordering on your TV.
428
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:31,982
We have porn.
429
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:33,117
So much porn.
430
00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:34,485
But it's not the kind you like.
431
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,620
And there's too much
story and makeup.
432
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:39,890
No money shots and
you can't fast forward.
433
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,159
We're all so alone
in this world,
434
00:17:42,161 --> 00:17:44,995
but no one is alone as me.
435
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:46,230
Please...
436
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:49,867
(horse whinnies, moaning)
437
00:17:51,202 --> 00:17:53,537
♪♪
438
00:17:55,373 --> 00:17:58,042
♪♪
439
00:17:58,643 --> 00:18:02,947
So, Jon Ronson, you are the
author "The Psychopath Test."
440
00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:03,714
Mmm-hmm.
441
00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:04,515
Let's talk about it.
442
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:07,151
Do you think people
overuse the word Psychopath?
443
00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:07,818
Yes.
444
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:08,619
Does it bug you?
Yes.
445
00:18:08,621 --> 00:18:11,655
Remember Robert Hare, the guy
who-who's like the king
446
00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:12,690
of all of this stuff...
Yeah.
447
00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:17,461
Said to me, when you meet a
high scoring one, it's stunning.
448
00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:17,928
Why?
449
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,331
I mean, I met a Haitian
Death Squad leader
450
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:21,799
called Toto Constant.
451
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:23,934
I met him in prison
in upstate New York.
452
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,235
Mmm-hmm.
Fishkill?
453
00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:27,338
Uh, Coxsackie.
454
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:28,138
That's not a bad one.
455
00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:32,142
All the prison guards were
calling me Harry Potter.
456
00:18:32,144 --> 00:18:33,077
Why?
457
00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:33,711
(laughing)
458
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,847
So, anyway, I went to see him.
459
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:37,481
What happened?
460
00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:39,483
He just wanted to
protest his innocence,
461
00:18:39,485 --> 00:18:42,786
like he didn't kill anyone
and he started to cry
462
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:46,991
and I look at him and he
is only pretending to cry.
463
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:47,491
Right.
464
00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:49,994
You're like the Jane Goodall
of psychopaths.
465
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:50,561
Yes.
466
00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:52,229
Are you scared that you're,
like, Grizzly Man
467
00:18:52,231 --> 00:18:54,865
and that one of
them will kill you?
468
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:55,332
Yes.
469
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:57,401
I remember an Islamic
fundamentalist called Omar Bakri
470
00:18:57,403 --> 00:19:01,572
once outed me as a Jew at
his Jihad training camp
471
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:03,807
near Gatwick airport.
472
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:04,541
Oh, in the Gatwick.
473
00:19:04,543 --> 00:19:06,610
Yeah, and I took that... Lines.
474
00:19:06,612 --> 00:19:07,745
(laughing)
475
00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:08,746
Anything happen?
476
00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:09,613
They all went...
(gasps)
477
00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:13,817
And I said, "Surely it's better
to be a Jew than an atheist,"
478
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:16,720
and I heard someone go,
"No, it's not."
479
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:18,789
Um, and...
Oh, man.
480
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,424
That heckler kicked your ass.
481
00:19:20,426 --> 00:19:23,260
Are these people looking at
you to see if you like them.
482
00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:24,361
No.
That's good.
483
00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:25,996
I find that with
other extremists.
484
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,831
Like, I remember I was
with the Grand Wizard
485
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:29,266
of the Ku Klux Klan one time
486
00:19:29,268 --> 00:19:31,935
and when none of his
Klansmen were listening
487
00:19:31,937 --> 00:19:37,041
he kinda whispered to me,
"Do you think I'm weird?"
488
00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:39,009
What?
Yeah.
489
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:39,710
What did you say?
490
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:41,311
Were you like,
"Dude, you're the best.
491
00:19:41,313 --> 00:19:42,613
"You're the Grand Wizard.
492
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:44,848
You're not just,
like, a wizard."
493
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:46,850
Your book has a
psychopath checklist.
494
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:50,220
Will you run me through it
and we can see if old girl
495
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:51,055
is a psychopath?
496
00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:53,357
Glibness,
superficial charm.
Yeah.
497
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,793
Grandiose sense of self worth.
498
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:56,260
No.
499
00:19:56,262 --> 00:19:58,395
I should have that,
because I'm so great...
500
00:19:58,397 --> 00:19:59,163
Okay.
501
00:19:59,165 --> 00:19:59,963
Okay, so one for two.
502
00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:02,466
I once asked, uh,
a CEO that one.
503
00:20:02,468 --> 00:20:03,901
Grandiose sense
of self worth
Yeah?
504
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,736
And we both looked up
because he was standing
505
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:09,373
underneath a giant oil
painting of himself.
506
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:11,608
He was famous for
firing people with a joke.
507
00:20:11,610 --> 00:20:14,812
Somebody said to him one time
I just bought myself a new car
508
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:16,513
and he said, "You
may have a new car,
509
00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:18,649
but I'll tell you what
you don't have...
510
00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:19,249
A job."
511
00:20:19,251 --> 00:20:20,517
Hold on
one second.
Okay.
512
00:20:20,519 --> 00:20:22,252
Owen.
(Owen)
Mmm-hmm.
513
00:20:22,254 --> 00:20:24,955
Uh, remind me I want to
tell you a joke later.
514
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:28,592
(laughing)
515
00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:30,494
So, okay, please, yes.
516
00:20:30,496 --> 00:20:32,596
Pathological lying.
517
00:20:32,598 --> 00:20:33,764
Once in a blue.
518
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,767
Cunning, manipulative.
519
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:37,267
Three.
520
00:20:37,269 --> 00:20:40,671
Poor behavioral control
so you kinda lash out.
521
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:42,539
Kim?
(Kim)
Yup.
522
00:20:42,541 --> 00:20:43,307
Okay, four.
523
00:20:43,309 --> 00:20:44,808
Promiscuous sexual behavior.
524
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:46,310
No.
(Kim)
Five!
525
00:20:46,312 --> 00:20:47,978
(laughing)
526
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:50,280
♪♪
527
00:20:50,282 --> 00:20:52,216
Oop oop.
528
00:20:52,218 --> 00:20:54,084
Oop oop.
529
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,619
Oop oop.
530
00:20:55,621 --> 00:20:57,688
That's just a thing I do.
531
00:21:01,025 --> 00:21:02,292
(woman)
So Easy.
532
00:21:02,294 --> 00:21:03,994
(man)
Mmmm, magic.
533
00:21:07,232 --> 00:21:10,501
Surprise.
534
00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:13,904
I'm sorry, what
the fuck is this?
535
00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:18,976
(whispering)
It's like a cell phone...
536
00:21:18,978 --> 00:21:20,844
(laughing)
36735
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