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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:10,603 --> 00:01:14,004
Hello, my name is Eli Pettifog.
I'm 13 years old.
2
00:01:15,675 --> 00:01:18,109
Today is my first day
of college.
3
00:01:28,721 --> 00:01:31,519
What you got in that bag,
Eli? Books?
4
00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:34,754
Don't they have a library
at that place?
5
00:01:36,696 --> 00:01:39,028
She's a terrible mother...
6
00:01:39,098 --> 00:01:42,192
but it's not her fault
that I'm a genius.
7
00:01:45,204 --> 00:01:50,608
" Can you hear me coming
Feel it all around."
8
00:01:50,676 --> 00:01:56,308
" Feet are stomping
On the ground."
9
00:01:56,382 --> 00:02:00,409
" It said something
So familiar."
10
00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:06,751
Please tell me this is a joke.
11
00:02:06,826 --> 00:02:13,129
I wanted to take you,
but I'm just so tired.
12
00:02:16,836 --> 00:02:20,465
Remember the electric bill is the
most important, then the rent.
13
00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:34,476
Eli... make some friends
out there, okay?
14
00:02:45,264 --> 00:02:47,095
- Bye, Mom.
- Later.
15
00:04:07,446 --> 00:04:09,311
Beacon Falls, Whittman College.
16
00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:48,619
I welcome you
to Whittman College...
17
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:52,885
the 37th best, small, liberal
arts college on the East Coast.
18
00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:02,291
Lots of stuff to know.
19
00:05:02,368 --> 00:05:05,531
How about some exercise
for the lazy student?
20
00:05:05,604 --> 00:05:12,567
Some people go to college because they
graduate from high school, like me.
21
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:15,739
Others go and they
self-destruct, like this guy.
22
00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:17,646
Chi Gong.
23
00:05:20,786 --> 00:05:24,347
Badminton or squash?
24
00:05:27,026 --> 00:05:29,620
He had a business once.
He used to sell this stuff.
25
00:05:29,695 --> 00:05:35,292
To these people... and then
he bailed on these things.
26
00:05:37,636 --> 00:05:41,629
Put your shuttlecock away.
It's squash.
27
00:05:52,718 --> 00:05:54,345
Here, let me get that for you.
28
00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:57,048
- Give me my bag back.
- I'm Leo Searly, late bloomer.
29
00:05:57,323 --> 00:06:00,781
I'm Eli Pettifog, child prodigy,
please can I have my bag back?
30
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:01,884
You're a freshman?
31
00:06:01,961 --> 00:06:02,893
Unfortunately.
32
00:06:02,962 --> 00:06:04,327
Me, too. What room you in?
33
00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:06,024
212, can I...
34
00:06:06,098 --> 00:06:08,178
Oh, good, it's right here.
I'm right across the hall.
35
00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:15,005
Well, take care,
brush your hair.
36
00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:18,407
I need the oldest undergraduate
in the world as a friend...
37
00:06:18,477 --> 00:06:21,469
like I need a hole in my head.
38
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:25,005
And I don't need a hole in my head,
if that was what you were wondering.
39
00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:35,858
Hey, want to get a burger?
40
00:06:36,429 --> 00:06:37,657
No.
41
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,561
My treat.
42
00:06:39,632 --> 00:06:40,997
Thanks, but no.
43
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,932
Eli, it's your first day
of college...
44
00:06:43,002 --> 00:06:46,733
you're gonna have plenty of time
to sit alone and hate yourself.
45
00:06:46,806 --> 00:06:48,933
Come on.
46
00:07:11,130 --> 00:07:13,098
Wow, that's good.
47
00:07:13,165 --> 00:07:15,656
That is old-fashioned
American genius.
48
00:07:15,734 --> 00:07:17,793
Have you noticed everything
is genius these days?
49
00:07:17,870 --> 00:07:19,838
How can food be genius?
50
00:07:19,905 --> 00:07:22,032
Try the fries.
51
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:27,777
That's good, it may be great,
but it's not genius.
52
00:07:29,415 --> 00:07:32,782
Hey, look at that townie girl.
53
00:07:32,852 --> 00:07:35,912
She's checking you out, man.
54
00:07:35,988 --> 00:07:37,785
See you later, Shauna.
55
00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:39,085
See you.
56
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:45,089
Oh, that was a complete
meltdown of the man nerve.
57
00:07:45,164 --> 00:07:47,029
I'm wearing my hair net.
58
00:07:48,834 --> 00:07:52,167
Safety first. I hear you.
59
00:08:15,728 --> 00:08:18,526
I'm gonna go get us
some more beers.
60
00:08:18,597 --> 00:08:20,622
Nice, I'll just stay here.
61
00:08:34,113 --> 00:08:38,209
I am Leo Searly, late bloomer.
62
00:08:38,484 --> 00:08:41,009
I'm 'Milla, I have not yet
bloomed.
63
00:08:41,086 --> 00:08:42,951
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
64
00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:45,718
You look like you bloomed
to me all right.
65
00:08:48,894 --> 00:08:50,225
Are you Eli Pettifog?
66
00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:51,861
Yeah.
67
00:08:51,931 --> 00:08:55,765
The 13-year-old freshman?
68
00:08:55,834 --> 00:09:01,466
Well, Eli, I want to have your
really, really smart baby.
69
00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:03,826
What makes you think
that nine months in your womb
70
00:09:03,839 --> 00:09:06,136
won't make the baby
really, really stupid?
71
00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:10,774
Excuse me.
72
00:09:16,755 --> 00:09:17,983
Oh, jeez.
73
00:09:27,099 --> 00:09:29,226
You think your sperm is too good
for my girl or something?
74
00:09:29,301 --> 00:09:30,768
No.
75
00:09:30,836 --> 00:09:32,269
Ow, put me down! Put me down!
76
00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:35,234
- Why do you do this shit?
- Because I'm a dick!
77
00:09:35,307 --> 00:09:36,638
Say my sperm is not worthy of
Eve Hanson.
78
00:09:36,709 --> 00:09:39,041
Who's Eve Hanson?
79
00:09:39,111 --> 00:09:40,681
My girlfriend, you know, the
one you were just hitting on?
80
00:09:40,694 --> 00:09:42,274
She's out of your league, pal.
81
00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:44,516
Yeah, I know she's out of my
league. I don't even like girls.
82
00:09:44,583 --> 00:09:45,880
Somebody's fibbing.
83
00:09:45,951 --> 00:09:46,883
Oh, god.
84
00:09:49,154 --> 00:09:50,746
What's it like down there?
85
00:09:50,823 --> 00:09:52,688
Awesome, I've been there
a thousand times.
86
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:56,956
Yeah, I'll bet you have.
87
00:09:57,029 --> 00:09:58,997
Say my sperm is not worthy of
Eve Hanson.
88
00:09:59,064 --> 00:10:01,794
Hold on, I can't hear you, my
ears are blocked.
89
00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:06,601
Have some Ebola, asshole!
90
00:10:11,810 --> 00:10:15,041
I'm gonna make this the worst
year of your shitty, little life.
91
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,706
So, we're enemies?
92
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:21,913
Mortal enemies.
Let's drink to it.
93
00:10:28,594 --> 00:10:30,221
Oh, Jesus, ow, stop.
94
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:33,026
Remember, I bought
the first round.
95
00:10:34,733 --> 00:10:35,233
Yeah.
96
00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:56,710
Oh, my god.
97
00:11:12,971 --> 00:11:14,905
Oh, god.
98
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,307
I don't feel so good.
99
00:11:23,382 --> 00:11:25,680
Really?
100
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,019
Perfect timing.
101
00:11:44,903 --> 00:11:47,838
Thanks.
102
00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:58,247
Something I want to tell you.
103
00:11:58,317 --> 00:11:59,409
What?
104
00:11:59,685 --> 00:12:01,312
Come closer.
105
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,029
You can come closer.
106
00:12:16,335 --> 00:12:18,428
I'm a genius!
107
00:12:20,939 --> 00:12:23,931
I remember my first beer,
too. Yeah.
108
00:12:24,009 --> 00:12:29,276
Ever since I was a little baby, all I
ever wanted to do was go to Harvard.
109
00:12:30,716 --> 00:12:33,310
My spiritual home.
110
00:12:33,385 --> 00:12:38,755
So, without really trying,
I skipped five grades.
111
00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:45,127
Won all the science fairs,
got my MENSA card.
112
00:12:45,197 --> 00:12:48,428
You know what happened?
113
00:12:50,402 --> 00:12:52,267
Harvard rejected me.
114
00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:57,106
They don't want me.
115
00:12:57,176 --> 00:12:59,838
Well, then, screw them.
116
00:12:59,912 --> 00:13:05,908
You don't understand.
It just killed me, you know?
117
00:13:08,487 --> 00:13:11,940
You want to know
the most awful and
118
00:13:11,953 --> 00:13:15,416
humiliating part of the
whole, entire story?
119
00:13:19,064 --> 00:13:20,361
You still love the bitch.
120
00:13:20,432 --> 00:13:23,492
Yeah. How'd you know?
121
00:13:27,539 --> 00:13:33,307
All right, if you're gonna puke again,
close one eye, you'll have better aim.
122
00:13:33,378 --> 00:13:35,073
Don't leave.
123
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:37,911
If the room starts to spin,
you put one foot on the floor.
124
00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:41,282
Yeah. Leo? Leo?
125
00:13:41,353 --> 00:13:43,218
- Goodnight.
- No, Leo, just...
126
00:13:43,288 --> 00:13:45,813
You're all right. Hang in there.
127
00:13:59,905 --> 00:14:01,372
Never mind.
128
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,150
I'm here for my job.
129
00:14:17,222 --> 00:14:20,089
All right, dear,
check in down the hall.
130
00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:49,086
Shit.
131
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,511
Harvard's coming?
132
00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:26,581
Good evening, and welcome
to Collegiate Mastermind.
133
00:15:28,660 --> 00:15:31,254
The varsity sport of the mind.
134
00:15:31,330 --> 00:15:38,031
Tonight's two contestants are
the Whittman Warring Hares...
135
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:41,561
versus the Harvard Crimson
squad.
136
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:49,577
First question is a toss-up
worth ten points.
137
00:15:49,648 --> 00:15:55,587
The first question, that should
be the first one on the stack.
138
00:15:55,654 --> 00:16:00,318
Okay, how far
can the Queen Mary 2...
139
00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:04,192
travel on one gallon of...
diesel.
140
00:16:04,262 --> 00:16:05,661
Whittman Warring Hares.
141
00:16:05,931 --> 00:16:09,059
We forfeit.
142
00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:10,294
Incorrect.
143
00:16:10,369 --> 00:16:12,337
No, I mean we forfeit.
144
00:16:12,404 --> 00:16:13,598
You can't forfeit.
145
00:16:13,672 --> 00:16:18,041
We haven't won a match
since 1971.
146
00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:22,905
Oh. Harvard to steal.
147
00:16:22,981 --> 00:16:25,245
Six inches.
148
00:16:26,585 --> 00:16:29,110
Six inches is correct.
149
00:16:29,187 --> 00:16:32,122
Yes!
150
00:16:36,228 --> 00:16:40,221
Caution, Harvard at this
time for showboating.
151
00:16:43,735 --> 00:16:46,397
Man, if I were on the
Whittman team...
152
00:16:46,471 --> 00:16:49,042
my dad would send me into
the woods to find the
153
00:16:49,055 --> 00:16:51,636
perfect piece of birch
to split my ass with.
154
00:16:51,710 --> 00:16:54,270
Hey, there's the little dude.
155
00:16:57,249 --> 00:16:59,274
Thanks for the support, little
dude. What's your name?
156
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:00,340
Eli.
157
00:17:00,419 --> 00:17:02,387
You the man, Eli.
158
00:17:05,057 --> 00:17:06,081
How old are you?
159
00:17:06,158 --> 00:17:07,318
13.
160
00:17:07,392 --> 00:17:10,293
Uh-oh, he's a genius.
161
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:13,126
Yeah.
162
00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:15,462
Yeah, you are.
163
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:21,996
13, walking around Harvard with
hair like that? That's bad ass.
164
00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:25,043
You want a ride back to campus?
165
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:26,202
To Boston?
166
00:17:26,278 --> 00:17:28,178
Yeah, let's roll.
167
00:17:33,051 --> 00:17:39,320
Yo, Eli, get in...
or we aren't gonna haze you.
168
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:40,358
I can't.
169
00:17:40,425 --> 00:17:44,122
Why not?
170
00:17:44,196 --> 00:17:46,721
Because I don't go to Harvard.
171
00:17:46,798 --> 00:17:52,327
I'm a freshman here at Whittman...
but my soul belongs to Harvard.
172
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:59,139
Don't worry about it, the important
thing is we part company like men.
173
00:18:00,645 --> 00:18:03,239
Listen to me, you little freak.
Ow, oh, my god.
174
00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:08,184
Harvard doesn't want your soul. Your
soul is cheap, and it's mediocre.
175
00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:10,016
- Ow, stop.
- It's a Whittman soul.
176
00:18:57,435 --> 00:19:00,076
- But they went on to win that year.
- How does that help us right now?
177
00:19:00,138 --> 00:19:02,197
I'm just saying you should
learn, you know, perseverance.
178
00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:05,641
Alan, if you didn't know the
answer, why did you buzz?
179
00:19:05,710 --> 00:19:07,473
Because...
180
00:19:07,546 --> 00:19:09,466
You can't do that.
If you don't know, don't buzz.
181
00:19:09,714 --> 00:19:10,840
Hey.
182
00:19:12,551 --> 00:19:15,782
My name is Eli Pettifog.
183
00:19:17,789 --> 00:19:25,252
This is Leo Searly's last chance
at a classy future.
184
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:31,565
He's not afraid to gamble it all
on a hole and a ball.
185
00:19:32,704 --> 00:19:36,606
Hits the putt.
186
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:40,771
Oh, it's on the lip. No, no, no,
it's rolling in. It's rolling in.
187
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,438
Oh, yes!
188
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:47,645
- Leo Searly takes home $100 million...
- Hey.
189
00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:49,186
Hey, how are you?
190
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:50,516
Can I tell you something
super important?
191
00:19:50,589 --> 00:19:52,250
Okay. As long as it's not
teenage stuff.
192
00:19:52,324 --> 00:19:53,689
Don't worry. This is as grown up
as it gets.
193
00:19:53,758 --> 00:19:55,817
All right.
194
00:19:55,894 --> 00:19:59,557
First, I now hate Harvard with the
fanatical rage of a freedom fighter.
195
00:19:59,631 --> 00:20:02,259
That sounds pretty teenage to
me.
196
00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:04,700
And I've sworn my life
to its destruction.
197
00:20:04,769 --> 00:20:06,703
The entire university?
198
00:20:06,771 --> 00:20:09,865
No, just the college, I'm only
one man.
199
00:20:09,941 --> 00:20:12,580
Second, I'm now the new
captain of the Whittman
200
00:20:12,593 --> 00:20:15,243
Warring Hares Collegiate
Mastermind Team.
201
00:20:15,313 --> 00:20:19,909
Oh, I loved that game as a kid.
That's the one with the pegs.
202
00:20:20,185 --> 00:20:22,505
Like the little colored pegs,
then you get a combination...
203
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,683
No, it's a quiz show in which
two colleges compete...
204
00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:28,920
to see which one is smart
and which one is dumb.
205
00:20:29,194 --> 00:20:31,594
It's like the show Jeopardy,
with no money.
206
00:20:31,663 --> 00:20:33,358
No money?
207
00:20:33,431 --> 00:20:37,731
Forget the money, Leo. I found
the instrument of my revenge.
208
00:20:49,848 --> 00:20:52,316
What makes him think he
can walk in here and say...
209
00:20:52,384 --> 00:20:54,185
"I'm Eli Pettifog
and I'm your new captain?"
210
00:20:54,252 --> 00:20:58,348
Because none of us walked in
and said I'm your new captain.
211
00:20:58,423 --> 00:21:02,189
The first four digits of pi
are 3.141.
212
00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:04,319
What is the
billionth digit of pi?
213
00:21:05,730 --> 00:21:06,890
Nine.
214
00:21:06,965 --> 00:21:08,262
Right you are.
215
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:09,300
Dude.
216
00:21:12,704 --> 00:21:14,467
Here's your bonus.
217
00:21:14,539 --> 00:21:16,564
Assuming Rudolph was in front...
218
00:21:16,641 --> 00:21:20,407
how many ways are there to arrange
the other eight reindeer?
219
00:21:20,478 --> 00:21:23,276
40,320.
220
00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:25,373
Right you are.
You're fast, kid.
221
00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:28,210
- Dude!
- Captain.
222
00:21:28,286 --> 00:21:32,552
Shit, dude,
viral pandemic sick! Or not.
223
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:55,977
Ssh, I'm trying to study.
224
00:22:12,731 --> 00:22:14,756
You should have a package
for Eli Pettifog.
225
00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:20,465
Pettifog, okay.
P-E-T-T-I-F-O-G?
226
00:22:20,538 --> 00:22:21,562
Yeah.
227
00:22:21,639 --> 00:22:25,006
Weird name. What's it mean?
228
00:22:25,076 --> 00:22:30,412
Okay, here we go. Pettifog means
you bicker over everything.
229
00:22:30,482 --> 00:22:32,814
That's ridiculous.
230
00:22:32,884 --> 00:22:38,652
Second definition, to practice
deception or trickery.
231
00:22:38,723 --> 00:22:41,351
Do you have a package
for me or not?
232
00:22:41,426 --> 00:22:46,420
There's no package for you, Pettifog.
No lying or complaining.
233
00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:47,465
Okay.
234
00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:51,498
Hey. Can I use your phone?
235
00:22:51,569 --> 00:22:53,764
Yeah, sure.
236
00:23:02,947 --> 00:23:04,312
It's private.
237
00:23:04,382 --> 00:23:06,475
I understand.
238
00:23:10,755 --> 00:23:13,678
Hey, if you want to
party, leave a message.
239
00:23:13,691 --> 00:23:16,625
All right, whatever.
240
00:23:16,694 --> 00:23:22,360
Hey, Mom, I'm calling to remind
you you forgot my birthday again.
241
00:23:24,836 --> 00:23:25,825
It's your birthday?
242
00:23:25,904 --> 00:23:28,338
Yeah. Big 1-4.
243
00:23:28,406 --> 00:23:28,950
Hang on.
244
00:23:38,149 --> 00:23:39,639
Faster.
245
00:23:39,717 --> 00:23:42,379
Okay.
246
00:23:42,454 --> 00:23:43,614
Whoo!
247
00:23:43,688 --> 00:23:44,882
Faster.
248
00:23:45,824 --> 00:23:47,451
Faster?
249
00:23:47,525 --> 00:23:50,619
Yeah!
250
00:23:51,729 --> 00:23:53,492
Whoo!
251
00:23:53,565 --> 00:23:55,499
Faster.
252
00:23:55,567 --> 00:23:56,829
Whoo!
253
00:24:03,074 --> 00:24:05,565
Thanks, Leo,
that was really fun.
254
00:24:05,643 --> 00:24:08,669
Well, happy birthday, Eli.
255
00:24:10,849 --> 00:24:12,646
- Leo!
- Yo!
256
00:24:12,717 --> 00:24:15,413
Faster!
257
00:24:36,608 --> 00:24:38,007
What's wrong with this thing?
258
00:24:38,076 --> 00:24:41,705
Hey, fuzzy, that's my
favorite machine.
259
00:24:42,514 --> 00:24:44,675
Hi.
260
00:24:44,749 --> 00:24:45,841
Happy birthday.
261
00:24:45,917 --> 00:24:47,179
Thanks.
262
00:24:47,452 --> 00:24:48,976
I wish I could go to Whittman.
263
00:24:49,053 --> 00:24:51,886
There's no Mall Studies
major at Whittman.
264
00:24:51,956 --> 00:24:57,588
I'm not a mall girl. I only shop
at the most exclusive boutiques.
265
00:24:57,662 --> 00:24:58,686
Mm-hm.
266
00:25:01,466 --> 00:25:02,899
You want to shotgun?
267
00:25:02,967 --> 00:25:05,197
What's a shotgun?
268
00:25:05,470 --> 00:25:10,032
Let me show you. Okay.
269
00:25:17,649 --> 00:25:21,085
I know you have a thing for me.
270
00:25:21,152 --> 00:25:24,883
What are you gonna do about it?
271
00:25:24,956 --> 00:25:26,548
What are you talking about?
272
00:25:26,624 --> 00:25:30,993
I see you checking out
my boyish curves.
273
00:25:31,062 --> 00:25:34,225
Come, lay down with me.
274
00:25:42,774 --> 00:25:44,867
You want to know a secret?
275
00:25:44,943 --> 00:25:46,843
Okay.
276
00:25:46,911 --> 00:25:49,607
I never kissed anyone.
277
00:25:51,282 --> 00:25:54,718
So what? Neither have I.
278
00:25:54,786 --> 00:25:59,621
I'm worried I might suck at it.
279
00:25:59,691 --> 00:26:03,218
How hard can it be?
280
00:26:03,294 --> 00:26:06,127
Kissing is too important
to be easy.
281
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:16,898
Not my lip.
282
00:26:16,975 --> 00:26:18,636
Well, stop squirming.
283
00:26:18,710 --> 00:26:22,908
Are you supposed to be drooling
directly into my mouth?
284
00:26:31,556 --> 00:26:35,754
Toss up. Which states, in order
of entry into the union...
285
00:26:35,827 --> 00:26:40,958
is Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen
not from?
286
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,627
Whittman?
287
00:26:43,701 --> 00:26:48,070
Delaware, Pennsylvania, Georgia,
Connecticut...
288
00:26:48,139 --> 00:26:53,839
Massachusetts, Maryland, South Carolina,
New Hampshire, Virginia, New York...
289
00:26:53,911 --> 00:26:58,848
North Carolina, Rhode Island,
Vermont, Kentucky, uh...
290
00:26:58,916 --> 00:27:00,850
Keep going.
291
00:27:00,918 --> 00:27:06,652
Not Tennessee, Ohio, Louisiana,
Indiana, Mississippi, Illinois...
292
00:27:06,724 --> 00:27:13,630
Alabama, Maine, Missouri, Arkansas,
Michigan, Florida, Texas, Iowa...
293
00:27:13,698 --> 00:27:16,895
Wisconsin, California,
Minnesota...
294
00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:18,902
15 seconds.
295
00:27:18,970 --> 00:27:23,168
Um, not Oregon, Kansas,
West Virginia, Nevada...
296
00:27:23,241 --> 00:27:25,869
Nebraska, Colorado, North
Dakota, South Dakota.
297
00:27:25,943 --> 00:27:27,274
Do it, weirdo!
298
00:27:27,345 --> 00:27:30,109
Yeah, do it.
299
00:27:30,181 --> 00:27:36,643
Montana, Washington, Idaho, Wyoming, Utah,
New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska, nor Hawaii.
300
00:27:38,690 --> 00:27:40,089
By god, he's done it.
301
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:47,624
Nice. Very nice.
302
00:27:47,699 --> 00:27:53,035
In-frigging-conceivable.
Frigging magnificent.
303
00:27:53,104 --> 00:27:56,596
Frigging, frigging. I want
a piece of your action.
304
00:27:56,674 --> 00:27:57,868
You can't have any of my action.
305
00:27:57,942 --> 00:27:59,967
Do you even know what your
action is?
306
00:28:00,044 --> 00:28:02,171
You're the one who started
talking about my action.
307
00:28:02,246 --> 00:28:08,310
Your action is blowing people away with
your genius, and your bizarre charisma.
308
00:28:08,386 --> 00:28:12,789
You're a college star
in the making.
309
00:28:12,857 --> 00:28:16,884
My quest is private, Leo,
it's not for other people.
310
00:28:18,696 --> 00:28:21,631
Do you think
I should start a blog?
311
00:29:14,085 --> 00:29:15,677
Whoa.
312
00:29:19,123 --> 00:29:20,147
Nice try, Leo.
313
00:29:20,224 --> 00:29:21,418
Mm?
314
00:29:21,492 --> 00:29:24,017
This jacket
is from sweatshop city.
315
00:29:24,095 --> 00:29:27,792
What are you talking about? It was
stitched in Beacon Falls, USA.
316
00:29:27,865 --> 00:29:29,833
Makes me look like I have
old-man shoulders.
317
00:29:29,901 --> 00:29:32,267
Man shoulders are a perk.
318
00:29:32,336 --> 00:29:37,171
Oh. Then how come
the waist is so tight?
319
00:29:37,241 --> 00:29:40,995
What are you talking about?
It's form-fitting.
320
00:29:41,008 --> 00:29:44,773
Flatters the silhouette.
321
00:29:44,849 --> 00:29:48,842
Oh. Well, what about
the collar?
322
00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:51,821
The jacket's perfect, Eli.
323
00:29:51,889 --> 00:29:53,481
You promise?
324
00:29:53,758 --> 00:29:54,918
Yeah.
325
00:29:57,228 --> 00:29:58,991
Must be why I love it so much.
326
00:30:22,954 --> 00:30:25,184
Excuse me, hello, thank you very much.
I hope you all enjoy your lunch.
327
00:30:25,256 --> 00:30:29,192
Today we're offering
$1,000 to anyone...
328
00:30:29,260 --> 00:30:34,357
who can stump the Whittman Warring
Hares Collegiate Mastermind squad.
329
00:30:34,432 --> 00:30:35,990
Perky girl.
330
00:30:36,067 --> 00:30:39,264
Okay, why does he have pubic
hair on his head?
331
00:30:39,337 --> 00:30:42,795
Not the sort of question
we're looking for. Next!
332
00:30:42,874 --> 00:30:44,842
But the people want to know.
Don't you want to know?
333
00:30:44,909 --> 00:30:47,207
Yeah.
334
00:30:47,278 --> 00:30:51,510
Okay, the people want to know, why does
your hair look like "down there" hair?
335
00:30:51,582 --> 00:30:53,880
That's a great question.
336
00:30:53,951 --> 00:30:57,352
My hair resembles pubic hair, because
it is designed to protect my brain.
337
00:30:57,421 --> 00:30:59,912
Protect your brain from what?
338
00:30:59,991 --> 00:31:01,515
From stupidity.
339
00:31:04,095 --> 00:31:05,494
You calling me stupid?
340
00:31:05,563 --> 00:31:08,555
- Mm, mm-mm.
- They're calling you stupid.
341
00:31:08,833 --> 00:31:10,027
What about you?
342
00:31:10,101 --> 00:31:12,001
I'm calling you stupid, too.
343
00:31:12,069 --> 00:31:13,832
Ouch.
344
00:31:13,905 --> 00:31:18,899
Yeah? Who will be stupid when
I'm eating your brain, Pettifog?
345
00:31:18,976 --> 00:31:22,104
Grilled... with sea salt.
346
00:31:24,115 --> 00:31:25,446
You're gonna grill my brain?
347
00:31:25,516 --> 00:31:27,108
He's gonna grill your brain.
348
00:31:32,490 --> 00:31:36,517
Caveman, you can't
even start a fire.
349
00:31:38,296 --> 00:31:39,456
I'll rub your bones together.
350
00:31:39,530 --> 00:31:41,088
Name one bone.
351
00:31:41,165 --> 00:31:42,359
Your skull bone!
352
00:31:42,433 --> 00:31:44,492
All right, kids, come on,
calm down.
353
00:31:44,569 --> 00:31:47,504
Thank you very much. Don't forget
to come and see the Warring Hares.
354
00:31:47,572 --> 00:31:49,572
- I could take him. Put me down.
- Bus your tables.
355
00:31:55,112 --> 00:31:57,992
I want to thank you for benching me.
I never felt so confident in my life.
356
00:31:58,015 --> 00:32:02,918
Hey, what are friends for?
357
00:32:02,987 --> 00:32:04,579
Hey, sexy genius.
358
00:32:04,655 --> 00:32:06,486
Hey, sexy lady, what's up?
359
00:32:06,557 --> 00:32:09,890
- She's not talking to you.
- What are you talking about?
360
00:32:09,961 --> 00:32:16,491
Hey, you teach me, I'll teach you. A little
quid pro blow, as they say in modern Latin.
361
00:32:21,005 --> 00:32:24,964
See you at Vassar. Bye, boys.
362
00:32:25,042 --> 00:32:26,566
It's quid pro quo.
363
00:32:26,644 --> 00:32:29,044
In Collegiate Mastermind,
it might be quid pro quo...
364
00:32:29,113 --> 00:32:32,981
but in the game of life, her
interpretation is right on the sticky bun.
365
00:32:33,050 --> 00:32:35,541
You're so cool, I think
I'm gonna call you the fog.
366
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:37,918
Please, don't call me the fog.
That makes me sound dense.
367
00:32:37,989 --> 00:32:39,320
Sorry.
368
00:32:39,390 --> 00:32:40,516
Hey, baby.
369
00:32:40,591 --> 00:32:42,024
Hi, Gertrude.
370
00:32:42,093 --> 00:32:44,061
- Hi, ladies. Where's Leo?
- Hey, Gertrude.
371
00:32:45,296 --> 00:32:47,355
Ha-ha, looks like
we got a ride.
372
00:32:47,431 --> 00:32:50,594
- Nice.
- Yes, the van.
373
00:32:50,668 --> 00:32:53,102
- So sweet.
- Oh, my god, this is awesome.
374
00:32:53,170 --> 00:32:55,195
Neat, so cool. Fluffy and soft.
375
00:32:55,272 --> 00:32:56,967
- Do you have a bed in this thing?
- I like this car.
376
00:32:57,041 --> 00:33:00,238
Nice, isn't it? Feels kind
of like a land couch.
377
00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:02,541
Hey, Leo, guess what?
Eli has a groupie.
378
00:33:02,613 --> 00:33:04,308
Shut up, Romeo. Jesus.
379
00:33:04,382 --> 00:33:06,009
- What's her name?
- Eve Hanson, she's a senior.
380
00:33:06,083 --> 00:33:07,607
She cute?
381
00:33:07,685 --> 00:33:10,313
She looks like Gertrude, if you
gave her blonde hair and money.
382
00:33:10,388 --> 00:33:15,917
Romeo, the only groupie you're
ever gonna have is your hand.
383
00:33:17,361 --> 00:33:18,385
That really hurt.
384
00:33:18,462 --> 00:33:19,394
Good.
385
00:33:19,463 --> 00:33:20,487
Buckle up, kids!
386
00:33:32,143 --> 00:33:34,941
Rhinotillexomania is compulsive
nose picking.
387
00:33:35,012 --> 00:33:37,071
Gynecomastia means man boobs.
388
00:33:37,148 --> 00:33:39,116
The naked mole rat
is immune to cancer.
389
00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:40,707
Whittman College has won the
match.
390
00:33:44,355 --> 00:33:48,587
And for the match, what syndrome does
pop star Lily Allen have? Whittman.
391
00:33:48,659 --> 00:33:52,425
The super numerary nipple
syndrome, the triple nipple.
392
00:33:52,496 --> 00:33:53,485
Correct!
393
00:33:56,267 --> 00:33:59,134
Abalone is not a mollusk,
but a large marine snail.
394
00:33:59,203 --> 00:34:01,044
That's correct. Match goes
to Whittman College.
395
00:34:03,474 --> 00:34:06,739
The aquatic scrotum resides
primarily in Lake Titicaca.
396
00:34:07,011 --> 00:34:08,239
Whittman wins!
397
00:34:08,312 --> 00:34:09,438
Yes!
398
00:34:12,149 --> 00:34:14,049
Out of beer!
399
00:34:15,419 --> 00:34:18,013
Warriors!
400
00:34:30,768 --> 00:34:32,759
Safety first, safety first.
401
00:35:23,254 --> 00:35:24,414
Oh, my god!
402
00:35:24,488 --> 00:35:25,580
Hi.
403
00:35:25,656 --> 00:35:27,180
Can you please stay away from me?
404
00:35:29,126 --> 00:35:32,152
Don't worry, Laird never
comes to the library.
405
00:35:32,229 --> 00:35:33,787
I find you fascinating.
406
00:35:33,864 --> 00:35:35,593
No, you don't.
407
00:35:35,666 --> 00:35:38,157
And dangerous.
408
00:35:40,404 --> 00:35:42,269
I'm very safe.
409
00:35:43,808 --> 00:35:45,275
Do I scare you?
410
00:35:45,342 --> 00:35:48,368
Yes, very much.
411
00:35:48,445 --> 00:35:55,214
Well, just try to look past my breasts and
everything else, and see the real me.
412
00:35:55,286 --> 00:35:59,689
Look past your breasts?
I can't even look at them.
413
00:35:59,757 --> 00:36:04,421
Just... right... do you need...
414
00:36:04,495 --> 00:36:05,576
I'm not gonna look at them.
415
00:36:09,733 --> 00:36:11,701
Don't worry, Romeo,
we can beat Yale.
416
00:36:11,769 --> 00:36:13,464
It's not that.
417
00:36:13,537 --> 00:36:15,095
Well, what is it?
418
00:36:15,172 --> 00:36:17,106
My brother goes to Yale.
419
00:36:17,174 --> 00:36:18,732
Oh, really, that's a bummer.
420
00:36:18,809 --> 00:36:21,710
It's only because he is a
non-threatening Puerto Rican.
421
00:36:21,779 --> 00:36:25,806
I did not get into Yale, because my mighty
mas macho terrifies the white man...
422
00:36:25,883 --> 00:36:28,147
until his balls are like
raisins.
423
00:36:28,219 --> 00:36:31,347
But it still hurts, you know?
424
00:36:31,422 --> 00:36:33,447
Every night it still hurts.
425
00:36:33,524 --> 00:36:38,826
So you have a smarter brother?
Is he better looking, too?
426
00:36:38,896 --> 00:36:41,865
Yeah, but only a little bit.
427
00:36:44,602 --> 00:36:52,532
Eli, can you dedicate this one to Romeo?
He's really hurting back here.
428
00:36:52,610 --> 00:36:55,807
Sure. This one's for you,
big guy.
429
00:37:03,787 --> 00:37:09,316
Good evening, and welcome
to the Yale Bulldogs...
430
00:37:09,393 --> 00:37:13,489
versus the
Whittman Warring Hares.
431
00:37:13,564 --> 00:37:16,533
First question is a toss up
for ten points.
432
00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:20,502
How many names are listed
on the Vietnam War Memorial?
433
00:37:20,571 --> 00:37:22,630
58,652.
434
00:37:22,706 --> 00:37:25,436
Wrong, Whittman for the steal?
435
00:37:25,509 --> 00:37:27,841
58,256.
436
00:37:27,912 --> 00:37:31,780
That is oh, so right.
Bonus to Whittman.
437
00:37:31,849 --> 00:37:36,582
The memorial is built from black granite.
Where does this granite come from?
438
00:37:36,654 --> 00:37:37,882
Bangalore, India.
439
00:37:37,955 --> 00:37:41,413
Right again. Toss up.
440
00:37:41,492 --> 00:37:45,292
Who invented the
roulette wheel and why?
441
00:37:45,362 --> 00:37:47,557
French philosopher and mathematician...
442
00:37:47,631 --> 00:37:50,964
Blaise Pascal invented roulette
for perpetual motion experiments.
443
00:37:51,235 --> 00:37:54,727
That is oh, so right.
Bonus to Yale.
444
00:37:54,805 --> 00:37:59,367
Why is roulette called the
Devil's Game?
445
00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:02,207
Because all the numbers
on the wheel add up to 666.
446
00:38:02,279 --> 00:38:03,246
Correct.
447
00:38:04,982 --> 00:38:06,449
- Huddle up.
- What?
448
00:38:06,517 --> 00:38:08,485
- I'm not kidding.
- What's up?
449
00:38:08,552 --> 00:38:10,679
Some girls know about roulette,
other girls know about the devil...
450
00:38:10,754 --> 00:38:12,346
but no girl knows about both.
451
00:38:12,423 --> 00:38:15,256
Especially not girls like that.
She's cheating.
452
00:38:15,326 --> 00:38:16,953
How do you know?
453
00:38:17,027 --> 00:38:19,621
Check out the receiver,
it's hidden, it's right there.
454
00:38:19,697 --> 00:38:21,824
Yeah, I see it. Somebody's
feeding her the answers.
455
00:38:21,899 --> 00:38:24,333
I bet she cheated
to get into Yale, too.
456
00:38:24,401 --> 00:38:27,234
I bet she took your spot.
457
00:38:27,304 --> 00:38:29,636
Whittman, break your huddle.
458
00:38:29,707 --> 00:38:31,845
All right, guys, here's your choice.
459
00:38:31,858 --> 00:38:34,007
We can beat them fair and square.
I promise we can.
460
00:38:34,278 --> 00:38:37,315
Or, we could put an eternal
stain on their lives.
461
00:38:37,328 --> 00:38:40,376
It's your call. Yale's
your white whale.
462
00:38:40,451 --> 00:38:42,282
Eternal stain.
463
00:38:42,353 --> 00:38:43,547
All right, just be cool.
464
00:38:43,620 --> 00:38:44,609
I can't be cool.
465
00:38:44,688 --> 00:38:46,815
Oh, god.
466
00:38:48,459 --> 00:38:50,654
My earring.
467
00:38:55,299 --> 00:38:57,324
Whoo!
468
00:38:57,401 --> 00:38:58,834
Daniel, my brother, Turran.
469
00:39:01,538 --> 00:39:08,535
My country tis of thee, sweet
land of liberty.
470
00:39:21,325 --> 00:39:24,317
I know you saw that sign.
471
00:39:24,395 --> 00:39:27,330
Yeah, I saw it.
472
00:40:16,513 --> 00:40:21,109
Here we are at Harvard...
smartest place on Earth.
473
00:40:25,155 --> 00:40:27,623
This is the freshman dorm,
Adams house.
474
00:40:27,691 --> 00:40:30,626
Some of the rooms have
fireplaces.
475
00:40:30,694 --> 00:40:32,662
Get over it.
476
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:38,592
What are you doing?
477
00:40:38,669 --> 00:40:42,400
What does it look like
I'm doing?
478
00:41:17,908 --> 00:41:21,571
What's the high score
in this machine?
479
00:41:21,645 --> 00:41:26,139
I'm wearing watermelon
lip gloss.
480
00:41:32,656 --> 00:41:34,453
The flavor is disappearing,
can you put on some more?
481
00:41:34,525 --> 00:41:35,924
I have cherry, too.
482
00:41:35,993 --> 00:41:38,985
No, this is the one.
This is definitely the one.
483
00:41:48,705 --> 00:41:50,468
You're a really good kisser, Eli.
484
00:41:50,541 --> 00:41:52,566
Thanks.
485
00:41:52,643 --> 00:41:57,808
We can't do this all day...
unless it leads somewhere else.
486
00:41:57,881 --> 00:41:59,473
Like where?
487
00:41:59,550 --> 00:42:02,018
Like my neck.
488
00:42:02,085 --> 00:42:03,712
What about your neck?
489
00:42:03,787 --> 00:42:05,652
Kiss it.
490
00:42:05,722 --> 00:42:07,587
Okay.
491
00:42:16,633 --> 00:42:18,624
That feels so good.
492
00:42:20,537 --> 00:42:22,698
Now the other side.
493
00:42:22,773 --> 00:42:24,035
You mean... okay.
494
00:42:37,788 --> 00:42:39,517
Eli.
495
00:42:39,590 --> 00:42:41,251
Yeah?
496
00:42:41,525 --> 00:42:42,856
Do you have a roommate?
497
00:42:42,926 --> 00:42:45,156
No.
498
00:42:45,229 --> 00:42:47,163
You should invite me over.
499
00:42:47,231 --> 00:42:53,761
You know, me being on campus might
make me into a crazy woman.
500
00:42:59,943 --> 00:43:02,383
Did you know that every
time you recall a memory,
501
00:43:02,396 --> 00:43:04,846
you're making the whole
thing up from scratch?
502
00:43:04,915 --> 00:43:08,043
That's ridiculous, my memories
are exactly the same every time.
503
00:43:08,118 --> 00:43:13,055
Oh, okay. What was
I wearing when we met?
504
00:43:13,123 --> 00:43:14,647
Nothing.
505
00:43:14,725 --> 00:43:16,659
Come on, I'm trying
to do science here.
506
00:43:16,727 --> 00:43:20,185
Don't you need test tubes
or something like that?
507
00:43:20,264 --> 00:43:24,564
What color lipstick did your
wife wear at your wedding? Hm?
508
00:43:24,635 --> 00:43:26,193
How did you know
that I was married?
509
00:43:26,270 --> 00:43:30,707
It's written all over you.
Divorced guy goes to college.
510
00:43:30,774 --> 00:43:33,265
Not a good look, is it?
511
00:43:33,343 --> 00:43:35,538
It's not a look, it's a life.
512
00:43:35,612 --> 00:43:37,705
Hey, you want to go back to my
room?
513
00:43:37,781 --> 00:43:41,046
Sure, I still have 20 more pages
before we have a sex break.
514
00:43:41,118 --> 00:43:45,987
Okay, fine, no highlighting, no looking
stuff up, no dog-earing pages.
515
00:43:46,056 --> 00:43:47,023
Deal.
516
00:43:47,090 --> 00:43:48,079
Deal.
517
00:43:49,860 --> 00:43:51,657
- Divorce is sexy.
- Really?
518
00:43:51,728 --> 00:43:54,219
Yeah, as long as you don't have
any brats running around you.
519
00:43:54,298 --> 00:43:56,630
Uh-huh.
520
00:43:56,700 --> 00:44:01,797
Yo, Laird wants a truce, he's
all fruity for you or something.
521
00:44:01,872 --> 00:44:06,571
Atruce, huh?
Okay, take this, you need it.
522
00:44:07,778 --> 00:44:08,767
Laird.
523
00:44:08,845 --> 00:44:12,872
Pettifog.
524
00:44:16,153 --> 00:44:17,633
Tell me we're going
to beat Princeton.
525
00:44:17,654 --> 00:44:18,951
We're gonna beat Princeton.
526
00:44:19,022 --> 00:44:20,751
Tell me we're going
to the Final Four.
527
00:44:20,824 --> 00:44:22,655
Final Four?
We're going all the way.
528
00:44:22,726 --> 00:44:25,320
Did you just promise me
a national championship?
529
00:44:25,395 --> 00:44:28,023
I'm guaranteeing it.
530
00:44:28,098 --> 00:44:30,259
I believe you, Eli.
531
00:44:30,334 --> 00:44:34,361
I believe that you can restore glory to
Whittman athletics and make us whole again.
532
00:44:34,638 --> 00:44:36,128
Yeah, I promise I will.
533
00:44:36,206 --> 00:44:41,735
But if you fail, I will make
you retarded with my fist.
534
00:44:41,812 --> 00:44:43,643
Okay.
535
00:45:03,400 --> 00:45:07,166
I'm gonna make this the worst
year of your shitty, little life.
536
00:45:07,237 --> 00:45:12,300
But if you fail, I will make you
retarded with my fist.
537
00:45:14,778 --> 00:45:20,717
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb!
538
00:45:20,784 --> 00:45:22,046
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
539
00:45:22,119 --> 00:45:25,282
Hey, I'm Eli Pettifog,
ask me anything.
540
00:45:29,092 --> 00:45:31,424
Yo, this is total commitment.
541
00:45:31,695 --> 00:45:33,026
What are you talking about?
542
00:45:33,096 --> 00:45:35,792
Pettifog, he means it.
543
00:45:35,866 --> 00:45:37,390
Let me see that.
544
00:45:41,838 --> 00:45:45,672
Oh, please, that's Kiss,
we're the Beatles.
545
00:45:47,310 --> 00:45:47,810
Tigers!
546
00:45:51,748 --> 00:45:54,945
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb!
547
00:45:55,018 --> 00:45:57,282
Win this one, we make it
to the Final Four.
548
00:45:57,354 --> 00:46:00,755
My father will kill me.
'69 team lost to Princeton.
549
00:46:00,824 --> 00:46:02,348
You afraid of your father?
550
00:46:02,426 --> 00:46:03,859
Everybody is afraid
of their father.
551
00:46:03,927 --> 00:46:05,087
I can't believe
how nervous I am.
552
00:46:05,162 --> 00:46:07,187
You've got no reason
to be nervous.
553
00:46:07,264 --> 00:46:09,960
No, I know, I was just trying
to make you feel useful.
554
00:46:10,033 --> 00:46:15,232
Just get up there and give it
all the brains you got.
555
00:46:15,305 --> 00:46:20,174
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
556
00:46:24,481 --> 00:46:29,282
Good evening and welcome
to Collegiate Mastermind.
557
00:46:37,194 --> 00:46:43,292
All right, the first question
is a toss-up worth ten points.
558
00:46:43,366 --> 00:46:48,394
Which president created a company slogan
by describing a certain brand of coffee...
559
00:46:48,472 --> 00:46:51,066
as being "good to the last drop"?
560
00:46:51,141 --> 00:46:53,075
Teddy Roosevelt.
561
00:46:53,143 --> 00:46:54,838
Correct.
562
00:46:58,348 --> 00:47:04,184
Here's your bonus. In Italy, what
is the average age of a barista?
563
00:47:04,254 --> 00:47:05,312
48.
564
00:47:05,388 --> 00:47:06,980
Nicely done.
565
00:47:10,894 --> 00:47:16,890
Toss-up now. What is the longest word ever
used by a presidential press secretary?
566
00:47:16,967 --> 00:47:19,401
Floxinoxinihilipilification.
567
00:47:19,469 --> 00:47:22,996
That's the word.
Here's your bonus.
568
00:47:23,073 --> 00:47:26,429
What is the longest word
in the English language
569
00:47:26,442 --> 00:47:29,808
whose letters can be
played on the piano?
570
00:47:34,117 --> 00:47:35,106
Cabbaged.
571
00:47:35,185 --> 00:47:38,882
Musical. Toss-up.
572
00:47:38,955 --> 00:47:42,009
How much money did
Abraham Lincoln have in
573
00:47:42,022 --> 00:47:45,087
his pocket at the time
of his assassination?
574
00:47:45,161 --> 00:47:46,788
Five dollars
in Confederate money.
575
00:47:46,863 --> 00:47:50,526
Nice shot, Whittman,
all the way to the bank.
576
00:47:55,605 --> 00:48:00,042
I want to have your baby!
577
00:48:00,110 --> 00:48:06,071
Here's your bonus. What is the average
life span of a U.S. dollar in circulation?
578
00:48:06,149 --> 00:48:07,173
18 months.
579
00:48:07,250 --> 00:48:09,514
Correct.
580
00:48:13,557 --> 00:48:15,115
Such an intense sport.
581
00:48:15,191 --> 00:48:16,283
It's all in the coaching.
582
00:48:16,359 --> 00:48:19,123
Toss-up. Who wrote Fart Proudly?
583
00:48:19,195 --> 00:48:20,457
Benjamin Franklin.
584
00:48:20,530 --> 00:48:22,828
- Exactly.
- Nostalgie De La Boue.
585
00:48:22,899 --> 00:48:24,924
- Bingo.
- 28,420.
586
00:48:25,001 --> 00:48:26,866
Well done!
587
00:48:26,937 --> 00:48:32,876
Bella Abzug. The Stockholm
Syndrome. The number one.
588
00:48:32,943 --> 00:48:36,037
Banging your head against a wall
burns 150 calories per hour.
589
00:48:36,112 --> 00:48:40,515
On average, right-handed people live nine
years longer than left-handed people.
590
00:48:40,584 --> 00:48:41,915
Mike Huckabee.
591
00:48:41,985 --> 00:48:45,045
The mainland tiger snake.
592
00:48:45,121 --> 00:48:50,149
The two presidents who's names contain
the letters that form criminal...
593
00:48:50,226 --> 00:48:53,525
are Richard Millhouse Nixon and
William Jefferson Clinton.
594
00:48:53,597 --> 00:48:58,534
If Barbie were life-size, she
would stand 7 feet, 2 inches.
595
00:49:04,074 --> 00:49:10,274
Whoo! It is a tight race,
if I do say so myself.
596
00:49:10,347 --> 00:49:17,446
This final question will determine
which team will go to the Final Four.
597
00:49:17,520 --> 00:49:19,351
Teams at your buzzers.
598
00:49:30,967 --> 00:49:35,961
Who first said,
"Elvis has left the building"?
599
00:49:36,039 --> 00:49:36,971
Whittman!
600
00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:38,234
Horace Lee Logan!
601
00:49:38,308 --> 00:49:42,039
Holy shit, that's right.
602
00:49:42,112 --> 00:49:45,548
Princeton loses!
Princeton loses!
603
00:49:45,615 --> 00:49:48,607
And Whittman College advances
to the Final Four!
604
00:49:48,685 --> 00:49:51,916
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
605
00:50:01,331 --> 00:50:05,597
Whoa, whoa, whoa, kid,
now that's over the line.
606
00:50:08,738 --> 00:50:10,569
I can't believe it.
607
00:50:34,531 --> 00:50:37,022
Yo.
608
00:50:37,100 --> 00:50:38,192
Yo.
609
00:50:52,282 --> 00:50:54,409
Hey, Pettifog.
610
00:50:54,484 --> 00:50:57,647
I have registered mail.
611
00:50:57,721 --> 00:51:01,128
You know what, Pettifog?
You're no Pettifog.
612
00:51:01,141 --> 00:51:04,559
You're an angel of knowledge
with a kinky halo.
613
00:51:04,627 --> 00:51:07,687
Saw you the other night,
awesome.
614
00:51:07,764 --> 00:51:10,324
Thanks.
615
00:51:10,400 --> 00:51:14,769
Hey, Pettifog? Hi-ya!
616
00:51:21,578 --> 00:51:26,140
What? Oh, shit, no!
617
00:51:26,216 --> 00:51:29,310
To the academic building, and the
first thing we're gonna do is...
618
00:51:29,385 --> 00:51:31,905
Uh, question, what is the student
bathroom ratio on this campus?
619
00:51:33,356 --> 00:51:34,550
Sophie?
620
00:51:34,624 --> 00:51:37,491
Yes. Who are you?
621
00:51:37,560 --> 00:51:41,656
Um... I'm Leo Searly.
622
00:51:44,367 --> 00:51:46,699
My bio dad?
623
00:51:46,770 --> 00:51:49,170
Your father.
624
00:51:49,239 --> 00:51:54,404
No. That's my father.
625
00:51:54,477 --> 00:51:56,274
Don't tell me
you're a professor here.
626
00:51:56,346 --> 00:52:00,476
No, uh, yes? I'm not tenured
yet, well...
627
00:52:00,550 --> 00:52:07,217
You left when I was seven, and now you're
teaching at my top college choice?
628
00:52:07,290 --> 00:52:11,056
You're ruining my life
all over again.
629
00:52:11,127 --> 00:52:13,687
And you don't even care
that you're ruining my life.
630
00:52:13,763 --> 00:52:17,494
All you care about
is Leo Searly.
631
00:52:17,567 --> 00:52:25,167
Three-time loser
and pathetic Peter Pan.
632
00:52:25,241 --> 00:52:27,801
Soph... Sophie, just give me
another chance.
633
00:52:32,749 --> 00:52:35,479
She ain't here, Fuzzy.
634
00:52:42,192 --> 00:52:46,094
Read it. Read the letter!
635
00:52:52,268 --> 00:52:56,170
Collegiate Mastermind...
Dear Eli Pettifog...
636
00:52:56,239 --> 00:52:59,265
The Collegiate Mastermind
Committee hereby suspends you...
637
00:52:59,342 --> 00:53:03,802
from the semi-final match of this year's
Final Four for actions unbecoming?
638
00:53:03,880 --> 00:53:06,781
La-Ia-Ia... section four,
code 93...
639
00:53:06,850 --> 00:53:09,785
You're not even allowed in the building.
Is this for real?
640
00:53:09,853 --> 00:53:13,414
Yes, it's for real,
this is your fault, Leo.
641
00:53:13,489 --> 00:53:15,821
You got me the team jackets.
You got me the van.
642
00:53:15,892 --> 00:53:19,521
You made me popular.
How could you do those things?
643
00:53:19,596 --> 00:53:22,190
I knew I shouldn't have enrolled
you in karate classes.
644
00:53:22,265 --> 00:53:27,430
That's typical Leo Searly sarcasm. You
just don't care about anyone or anything.
645
00:53:29,639 --> 00:53:32,301
Jesus Christ, I can't believe
this is happening.
646
00:53:32,375 --> 00:53:35,503
I had Harvard dangling
over the falls, Leo.
647
00:53:35,578 --> 00:53:37,910
You have to do something
about this.
648
00:53:38,181 --> 00:53:39,250
You have to go to the
Collegiate Mastermind
649
00:53:39,263 --> 00:53:40,342
headquarters and you have
to set them straight.
650
00:53:40,416 --> 00:53:41,678
I can't do that.
651
00:53:41,751 --> 00:53:42,911
Why not?
652
00:53:43,186 --> 00:53:45,450
You just burst in their
offices...
653
00:53:45,521 --> 00:53:48,388
you tell them you're my father and they're
messing with my destiny or something.
654
00:53:48,458 --> 00:53:52,519
You know that there are some
things that you just can't change.
655
00:53:59,469 --> 00:54:02,404
I thought you were afraid
to talk to me?
656
00:54:02,472 --> 00:54:06,465
I've been suspended
from the semi-final match.
657
00:54:06,542 --> 00:54:12,674
For karate? You idiot.
658
00:54:12,749 --> 00:54:15,946
I know, but they never
even warned me.
659
00:54:16,219 --> 00:54:18,779
I hope you consider coming to Whittman,
you're a wonderful candidate.
660
00:54:18,855 --> 00:54:19,844
Thank you so much.
661
00:54:19,923 --> 00:54:22,255
- Okay, see you. Bye-bye.
- Bye.
662
00:54:22,325 --> 00:54:25,954
Do you ever consider the possibility
that maybe you're the patsy in all this?
663
00:54:26,229 --> 00:54:28,390
I was set up?
Why would I be set up?
664
00:54:28,464 --> 00:54:31,365
Look, they used you to bring
attention to the Mastermind.
665
00:54:31,434 --> 00:54:34,528
But at the end of the day, they
were never gonna let you win.
666
00:54:34,604 --> 00:54:36,265
You're collegiate white trash.
667
00:54:36,339 --> 00:54:38,364
You're even more
paranoid than I am.
668
00:54:38,441 --> 00:54:40,909
Things like this happen
all the time.
669
00:54:42,779 --> 00:54:45,475
Hi.
670
00:54:45,548 --> 00:54:47,311
Hi.
671
00:54:47,383 --> 00:54:49,248
Hello.
672
00:54:49,319 --> 00:54:50,877
Hello.
673
00:54:50,954 --> 00:54:54,981
I've been looking all over for
you. What are you doing here?
674
00:54:55,258 --> 00:54:59,319
Um, I just finished my interview
and then the campus store.
675
00:54:59,395 --> 00:55:01,886
Now I'm in the library,
which is awesome.
676
00:55:01,965 --> 00:55:06,368
I'm a little bit confused. Are you applying
for an after-school job or something?
677
00:55:06,436 --> 00:55:10,896
No, um... I'm applying as a
student to Whittman College, Eli.
678
00:55:10,974 --> 00:55:16,276
I thought you were 15. Have you
been lying to me about your age?
679
00:55:16,346 --> 00:55:20,009
I am 15, and I'm
a high school senior.
680
00:55:23,052 --> 00:55:25,316
Why wouldn't you tell me that?
681
00:55:25,388 --> 00:55:27,720
Because I thought you
wouldn't like it.
682
00:55:27,790 --> 00:55:33,251
And... why didn't you tell me about
the Collegiate Mastermind? Hm?
683
00:55:36,499 --> 00:55:38,831
Is is because you wanted to keep
your townie girlfriend...
684
00:55:38,901 --> 00:55:41,267
as far away from your real
life as you can?
685
00:55:41,337 --> 00:55:43,362
I'm a townie, too, you know.
686
00:55:43,439 --> 00:55:45,270
Then act like one.
687
00:55:48,044 --> 00:55:51,605
You better go get her, Eli. Girls
like that don't grow in chat rooms.
688
00:55:55,051 --> 00:55:56,882
And brush your hair.
689
00:56:35,525 --> 00:56:36,856
Shit!
690
00:56:42,398 --> 00:56:44,093
Dance.
691
00:56:48,905 --> 00:56:49,894
Good shot.
692
00:56:53,576 --> 00:56:56,545
Hey, Leo?
How are your testicles?
693
00:56:56,612 --> 00:56:58,443
Hanging in there.
694
00:57:00,516 --> 00:57:02,507
Yeah, you are.
695
00:57:14,097 --> 00:57:20,502
Pettifog. Pettifog.
696
00:57:20,570 --> 00:57:23,630
Pettifog!
697
00:57:23,706 --> 00:57:29,144
I am one gloomy dick, Pettifog.
698
00:57:31,581 --> 00:57:33,139
What's wrong?
699
00:57:33,416 --> 00:57:39,412
What's wrong? You got suspended.
We're gonna lose.
700
00:57:39,489 --> 00:57:41,787
Where'd you hear that?
701
00:57:41,858 --> 00:57:46,591
Everywhere.
702
00:57:46,662 --> 00:57:48,994
It's not true.
703
00:57:49,065 --> 00:57:52,125
It's not?
704
00:57:52,201 --> 00:57:59,073
No... it's... it's a ruse
to lull the opponent.
705
00:57:59,142 --> 00:58:02,600
To a false sense of security.
706
00:58:02,678 --> 00:58:05,078
Nobody knows but you and me.
707
00:58:06,749 --> 00:58:08,717
That's just ingenious.
708
00:58:10,987 --> 00:58:18,519
So, you still guarantee complete
annihilation and total victory?
709
00:58:18,594 --> 00:58:20,721
100 percent.
710
00:58:20,796 --> 00:58:22,764
How about another 10?
That's 110 percent.
711
00:58:26,569 --> 00:58:28,662
There's no such thing.
712
00:58:28,738 --> 00:58:31,468
I don't care.
713
00:58:36,612 --> 00:58:40,480
Sophie?
714
00:58:42,185 --> 00:58:47,623
This was the car you were gonna
teach me to drive in.
715
00:58:52,061 --> 00:58:53,824
Well, why don't we
do that right now?
716
00:58:53,896 --> 00:58:56,160
I already know how to drive.
717
00:59:01,237 --> 00:59:05,230
You know I'm not really
a professor here, right?
718
00:59:05,508 --> 00:59:09,000
I know, you're a freshman.
719
00:59:09,078 --> 00:59:13,242
Which is 50-50 creepy to cool.
720
00:59:17,653 --> 00:59:19,712
I was sure you hated me, I...
721
00:59:19,789 --> 00:59:23,122
I did, until I saw you.
722
00:59:23,192 --> 00:59:29,097
But you're such a lost goofball,
I can't help but not hate you.
723
00:59:29,165 --> 00:59:31,565
Do you feel sorry for me?
724
00:59:31,634 --> 00:59:32,896
Yeah.
725
00:59:32,969 --> 00:59:35,904
Well, that's sweet.
726
00:59:35,972 --> 00:59:37,803
Are you thinking
of coming to Whittman?
727
00:59:37,873 --> 00:59:41,934
How would you feel about that?
I mean, it could be weird.
728
00:59:42,011 --> 00:59:45,333
Well... I don't know,
thrilled that my daughter
729
00:59:45,346 --> 00:59:48,678
is following after her
scholarly father.
730
00:59:52,221 --> 00:59:53,552
What kind of grades you get?
731
00:59:53,623 --> 00:59:55,955
- Straight A's.
- Yeah?
732
00:59:56,025 --> 00:59:58,289
It's no big deal,
it's public school.
733
00:59:58,561 --> 01:00:01,291
Still, that's great,
straight A's.
734
01:00:03,966 --> 01:00:05,627
Can you afford it?
735
01:00:05,701 --> 01:00:09,137
No, I can't afford it.
736
01:00:09,205 --> 01:00:12,140
Well, you know, maybe there's something
I can do to help you out tuition-wise.
737
01:00:12,208 --> 01:00:15,871
Are you serious?
You would do that?
738
01:00:15,945 --> 01:00:22,783
Yeah, um, I'm not making any promises,
but I'll see what I can do. Um...
739
01:00:22,852 --> 01:00:27,221
I didn't come here
for that, you know?
740
01:00:27,290 --> 01:00:30,691
I know, look, I know,
I know, I know. I know.
741
01:01:35,658 --> 01:01:37,649
- Hi.
- Hi.
742
01:01:37,727 --> 01:01:42,664
I can't see you anymore.
I'm sorry. Can I come in?
743
01:01:42,732 --> 01:01:45,030
Yeah, why can't you
see me anymore?
744
01:01:45,101 --> 01:01:51,870
Well, because I just ran into my daughter
and I haven't seen her in a long time.
745
01:01:51,941 --> 01:01:59,941
And it's just a little bit creepy, because
she kind of looks like... you get it?
746
01:02:00,149 --> 01:02:02,344
That is so psychological.
747
01:02:02,418 --> 01:02:07,981
Some kind of pathological narcissistic
father-daughter disorder or something.
748
01:02:08,057 --> 01:02:14,087
Well, thanks very much,
and I'll see you around campus.
749
01:02:14,163 --> 01:02:17,257
You sure you don't want to hang
out and study for a while?
750
01:02:17,333 --> 01:02:25,331
Wow, um, uh... gosh,
I'm gonna go...
751
01:03:15,324 --> 01:03:19,954
Leo... what the hell
are you doing here?
752
01:03:20,029 --> 01:03:23,396
Hi, Benny, how are you?
753
01:03:23,466 --> 01:03:25,872
Well, I've got a lot of things
I could complain about,
754
01:03:25,885 --> 01:03:28,301
but try to say
only good things.
755
01:03:28,370 --> 01:03:31,737
So, all right,
what's up with you?
756
01:03:31,807 --> 01:03:33,900
Oh, I'm here
to place a bet, Benny.
757
01:03:33,976 --> 01:03:37,036
Leo, you know that I'll never
take your bet, not ever.
758
01:03:37,112 --> 01:03:38,792
Now what kind of bookie
doesn't take a bet?
759
01:03:38,848 --> 01:03:41,373
The kind who feels guilty
for ruining your life.
760
01:03:41,450 --> 01:03:46,183
But this is a good bet.
It's a bet with conscience.
761
01:03:46,255 --> 01:03:48,450
Look, I'm sorry, Leo,
can't do it.
762
01:03:50,025 --> 01:03:52,357
Benny, take my bet.
763
01:03:52,428 --> 01:03:54,180
Would you please get up off the ground?
The sight
764
01:03:54,193 --> 01:03:55,955
of you down there is
very disturbing to me.
765
01:03:56,031 --> 01:03:59,762
I'm not getting up
until you take my bet.
766
01:03:59,835 --> 01:04:02,030
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
767
01:04:02,104 --> 01:04:03,401
- Oh, yeah?
- Hm.
768
01:04:03,472 --> 01:04:06,100
Really?
769
01:04:06,175 --> 01:04:08,939
I'm not getting up until you get
out of here, you understand?
770
01:04:09,011 --> 01:04:12,378
Look at you, Benny. You're on
your knees in your own office.
771
01:04:12,448 --> 01:04:16,475
Look at you, you're begging me to
ruin your life all over again.
772
01:04:16,552 --> 01:04:18,543
I'm trying to pay for my
daughter's tuition.
773
01:04:18,821 --> 01:04:20,812
Yeah.
774
01:04:20,890 --> 01:04:22,881
Do you have any idea how much it
costs to go to college these days?
775
01:04:22,958 --> 01:04:24,789
I don't know, like 20 grand?
776
01:04:24,860 --> 01:04:26,350
Try 50 large.
777
01:04:26,428 --> 01:04:29,022
50 large? Who the hell
can afford that?
778
01:04:29,098 --> 01:04:33,831
I got 25, if I double it, then
Sophie can go to school for a year.
779
01:04:33,903 --> 01:04:36,463
All right, what's the bet?
780
01:04:36,539 --> 01:04:38,803
Harvard to take it all.
781
01:04:38,874 --> 01:04:40,307
Harvard?
What are they gonna win?
782
01:04:40,376 --> 01:04:42,207
Collegiate Mastermind.
783
01:04:42,278 --> 01:04:44,212
What the hell
is Collegiate Mastermind?
784
01:04:44,280 --> 01:04:46,544
Well, it's kind of like
Jeopardy, but without the money.
785
01:04:46,615 --> 01:04:50,652
No money?
What's the point?
786
01:04:50,653 --> 01:04:50,948
No money?
What's the point?
787
01:04:51,020 --> 01:04:55,980
You are going to win the Collegiate
Mastermind National Championship. Say it.
788
01:04:56,058 --> 01:04:59,391
You are going to win the
Collegiate Mastermind...
789
01:04:59,461 --> 01:05:03,329
Stop. Stop. Not me, you.
Please say it again.
790
01:05:03,399 --> 01:05:06,368
How can we win the Collegiate
Mastermind National Championship?
791
01:05:06,435 --> 01:05:10,064
We haven't answered one single
question during the whole season.
792
01:05:10,139 --> 01:05:12,437
Well, you didn't answer the questions,
but you knew the answers, right?
793
01:05:12,508 --> 01:05:14,499
I didn't.
794
01:05:14,577 --> 01:05:18,013
Not even one third of the answers?
One out of every three questions?
795
01:05:18,080 --> 01:05:22,016
I did, I knew about a third.
796
01:05:22,084 --> 01:05:24,211
Yeah, I guess I did, too.
797
01:05:24,286 --> 01:05:28,017
Okay, and Alan knew the other third, so
the three of you guys make up one of me.
798
01:05:28,090 --> 01:05:29,489
But...
799
01:05:29,558 --> 01:05:32,356
You're pussies.
You guys are total pussies.
800
01:05:32,428 --> 01:05:37,263
And pussies need balls,
so get some balls, guys.
801
01:05:37,333 --> 01:05:42,361
Can you seriously picture
Alan with balls?
802
01:05:42,438 --> 01:05:43,496
Mm?
803
01:05:43,572 --> 01:05:46,564
Eli.
804
01:05:46,642 --> 01:05:47,609
Alan?
805
01:05:47,676 --> 01:05:50,270
Up here, Eli.
806
01:05:50,346 --> 01:05:54,009
Last night, I had a dream.
807
01:05:54,083 --> 01:05:57,018
The Poughkeepsie Music Hall...
808
01:05:57,086 --> 01:06:02,251
Poughkeepsie, New York, semi-final
match of the Final Four...
809
01:06:02,324 --> 01:06:07,227
I was nailing question
after question.
810
01:06:07,296 --> 01:06:10,060
How did it end? In your triumph?
811
01:06:10,132 --> 01:06:12,157
Nope.
812
01:06:12,234 --> 01:06:17,297
Ended when I mutated into a rabbit
and shitted all over the stage.
813
01:06:17,373 --> 01:06:22,538
You weren't a rabbit, you idiot.
You were a Warring Hare.
814
01:06:23,612 --> 01:06:25,978
- Really?
- Yes.
815
01:06:27,216 --> 01:06:29,150
But what does the shit signify?
816
01:06:29,218 --> 01:06:31,243
Purging of your doubts.
817
01:06:32,554 --> 01:06:36,957
Man... I got a lot of doubts.
818
01:07:42,458 --> 01:07:46,121
Because Harvard's burning.
819
01:07:46,195 --> 01:07:48,356
Turn off the municipal water
system.
820
01:07:48,430 --> 01:07:50,227
Because Harvard's burning.
821
01:07:50,299 --> 01:07:51,994
Something smells good.
822
01:07:52,067 --> 01:07:56,731
Because Harvard's burning.
823
01:08:02,544 --> 01:08:03,568
We're here.
824
01:08:05,247 --> 01:08:06,407
Okay, now I'm nervous.
825
01:08:06,482 --> 01:08:07,779
I'm gonna try and get in anyway.
826
01:08:08,050 --> 01:08:09,642
Good luck to us all.
827
01:08:14,456 --> 01:08:16,515
Warring Hares from
leafy Whittman College.
828
01:08:19,228 --> 01:08:21,560
Searly, Leo.
829
01:08:21,630 --> 01:08:24,463
Pettifog, I can't let you in the
building until after the semi-finals.
830
01:08:24,533 --> 01:08:25,659
- What are you talking about?
- He's the best...
831
01:08:25,734 --> 01:08:27,395
- Excuse me.
- Okay, you're b...
832
01:08:27,469 --> 01:08:28,527
- What are you talking about?
- I'll watch the guys.
833
01:08:28,604 --> 01:08:30,663
I can't let you in.
Sorry.
834
01:08:30,739 --> 01:08:32,570
There's something very different
about you this year.
835
01:08:32,641 --> 01:08:34,165
The moustache... my moustache
came in.
836
01:08:34,243 --> 01:08:35,210
It's not your moustache.
837
01:08:35,277 --> 01:08:36,744
Moustache is in.
838
01:08:36,812 --> 01:08:39,440
Something I can't quite run my
fingers through.
839
01:08:39,515 --> 01:08:40,607
You know, Spencer...
840
01:08:40,682 --> 01:08:42,115
We're on, guys.
841
01:08:42,184 --> 01:08:43,116
I'm sorry, here we go.
842
01:08:48,090 --> 01:08:51,082
Ooh, we have arrived.
843
01:08:51,160 --> 01:08:54,152
Fruit plate.
844
01:08:54,229 --> 01:08:55,355
You know Shrek's wife Fiona?
845
01:08:55,430 --> 01:08:56,624
Mm-hm.
846
01:08:56,698 --> 01:08:58,723
I bet her hoo-hah
looks just like this.
847
01:08:58,801 --> 01:09:02,066
Why did it take you so long to
say something romantic?
848
01:09:02,137 --> 01:09:08,098
Hey, guys, let's bring it in.
Huddle up... into a square.
849
01:09:08,177 --> 01:09:09,542
Circle, triangle, whatever.
850
01:09:09,611 --> 01:09:12,079
Are you gonna psyche us up
instead of Eli?
851
01:09:12,147 --> 01:09:14,854
In my own way. You made
it to the Final Four.
852
01:09:14,867 --> 01:09:17,585
You're already winners, right?
853
01:09:17,653 --> 01:09:23,558
Right, right? Right. Let's take
a moment to cherish that.
854
01:09:30,232 --> 01:09:33,531
This is something that you're going
to share with your children.
855
01:09:33,602 --> 01:09:38,869
The foundation of good character
is based on losing.
856
01:09:39,141 --> 01:09:45,876
In fact, what makes a good
winner... is a good loser.
857
01:09:48,784 --> 01:09:55,121
What's the difference
between winning and losing?
858
01:09:55,190 --> 01:09:57,750
Except joy and pain.
859
01:09:57,826 --> 01:10:03,458
So, let's go out there with our
heads held high... and lose one.
860
01:10:03,532 --> 01:10:05,591
In that old Whittman style.
861
01:10:07,603 --> 01:10:09,628
- We're coming to you live...
- Coming to you live.
862
01:10:09,705 --> 01:10:11,832
...from the Poughkeepsie Music Hall
and what a beautiful venue this is.
863
01:10:11,907 --> 01:10:13,465
Gorgeous down there.
864
01:10:13,542 --> 01:10:16,636
Where the Stanford Cardinal will
be taking on the...
865
01:10:16,712 --> 01:10:19,203
Whittman Warring Hares of
Whittman College.
866
01:10:19,281 --> 01:10:23,183
Who are playing without their
star, Eli Pettifog, who is...
867
01:10:23,252 --> 01:10:25,852
He's been suspended. He's been
suspended one game for showboating.
868
01:10:25,921 --> 01:10:28,185
He's gonna be back if they
advance to the Finals.
869
01:10:29,258 --> 01:10:30,623
What is up with you?
870
01:10:30,692 --> 01:10:33,388
This Whittman thong is itching
me something fierce.
871
01:10:33,462 --> 01:10:35,760
Can we have tickets?
I really need tickets.
872
01:10:35,831 --> 01:10:39,699
Shit! Shit.
873
01:10:48,610 --> 01:10:51,841
Why were you acting so
creepy in the library?
874
01:10:51,914 --> 01:10:57,250
I don't know. Why were you
acting so creepy in the library?
875
01:10:59,655 --> 01:11:04,957
I just... I just came over...
876
01:11:05,227 --> 01:11:06,922
I'm sorry.
877
01:11:06,995 --> 01:11:08,656
Yeah, sorry.
878
01:11:12,935 --> 01:11:14,562
Oh, I have lip gloss.
879
01:11:14,636 --> 01:11:17,298
No, screw the lip gloss, okay?
880
01:11:24,546 --> 01:11:26,514
Yo, good luck, Stanford.
881
01:11:31,453 --> 01:11:35,355
Remember, guys, even without Pettifog,
the Hares are still dangerous.
882
01:11:35,424 --> 01:11:40,794
Bullshit. Without Pettifog, they
can't even spell Pettifog.
883
01:11:40,862 --> 01:11:44,889
Hey, watch the karma violation.
884
01:11:44,967 --> 01:11:48,994
Karma, karma, karma, karma,
karma chameleon.
885
01:11:49,271 --> 01:11:52,263
You come and go.
886
01:11:52,341 --> 01:11:55,538
You come and go.
887
01:11:58,046 --> 01:12:01,709
Oh, shit.
888
01:12:01,783 --> 01:12:05,810
Stanford Cardinal, please report
backstage to check in.
889
01:12:05,887 --> 01:12:09,323
Final call, final call, Stanford
Cardinal.
890
01:12:09,391 --> 01:12:11,751
We're currently waiting for the
Stanford Cardinal to arrive.
891
01:12:11,760 --> 01:12:14,923
I think it's a mind game. I think what
Stanford is doing is a mind game.
892
01:12:14,997 --> 01:12:18,865
I think they're just trying to upset these
Whittman Warring Hares by not showing up.
893
01:12:18,934 --> 01:12:21,425
- I think it's bad karma, myself.
- Yeah.
894
01:12:21,503 --> 01:12:23,801
I don't know where they are. I saw the
in the hotel this morning at breakfast.
895
01:12:23,872 --> 01:12:26,192
A little bleary-eyed,
probably from studying
896
01:12:26,205 --> 01:12:28,536
and/or partying they
did last night.
897
01:12:28,610 --> 01:12:30,840
But they look great,
these kids...
898
01:12:30,912 --> 01:12:33,540
we all shared some of the cottage cheese.
I got a bowl of cottage cheese there.
899
01:12:33,615 --> 01:12:35,606
Really?
900
01:12:35,684 --> 01:12:37,743
Put some sugar on it yourself and
grab yourself a pineapple ring...
901
01:12:37,819 --> 01:12:39,912
and put the cottage cheese
on there.
902
01:12:39,988 --> 01:12:43,480
And load that sucker with sugar and have
yourself some delicious French roast...
903
01:12:43,558 --> 01:12:45,958
that they have at the continental
breakfast, a croissant, maybe?
904
01:12:46,028 --> 01:12:47,518
Right.
905
01:12:47,596 --> 01:12:49,928
Do not let them get into your
head, Gertrude.
906
01:12:49,998 --> 01:12:51,726
The match should have
started 20 minutes ago.
907
01:12:51,739 --> 01:12:53,478
Those Stanford fools
are driving me crazy.
908
01:12:56,471 --> 01:12:58,871
Good afternoon, Whittman.
909
01:12:58,940 --> 01:13:01,158
The Stanford Cardinal
have failed to appear...
910
01:13:01,171 --> 01:13:03,400
and are disqualified.
911
01:13:06,014 --> 01:13:10,951
Congratulations,
you advance to the Finals.
912
01:13:17,459 --> 01:13:17,893
Benny Greenberg.
913
01:13:17,894 --> 01:13:19,520
Benny Greenberg.
914
01:13:19,594 --> 01:13:25,055
Hi, Benny, it's me, it's Leo. Really
be good if I could talk to you.
915
01:13:25,133 --> 01:13:28,762
Hey, so what's Eli's bedroom IQ?
916
01:13:28,837 --> 01:13:31,067
Cut it out, you jerks.
Okay?
917
01:13:31,139 --> 01:13:34,631
Seriously, we're about to play
the match of our lives.
918
01:13:34,709 --> 01:13:36,074
What should we do?
919
01:13:36,144 --> 01:13:38,408
We'll practice celebrating.
920
01:13:38,480 --> 01:13:41,347
Create a mental picture of
Harvard lying on the stage.
921
01:13:41,416 --> 01:13:44,579
You know, they're crying,
they're fouling their pants.
922
01:13:44,653 --> 01:13:47,383
They're bleeding
from their ears...
923
01:13:47,456 --> 01:13:52,086
and you all are gyrating obscenely
over their fallen bodies. Okay?
924
01:13:55,097 --> 01:13:57,725
I want some pie.
Do you want some pie?
925
01:13:57,799 --> 01:13:59,926
Yeah.
Do you want blueberry?
926
01:14:00,001 --> 01:14:03,664
I heard they have an awesome
peach one. Banana...
927
01:14:03,738 --> 01:14:05,399
I actually have to pee.
928
01:14:05,474 --> 01:14:08,409
Oh, I'll be over there.
929
01:14:15,951 --> 01:14:19,785
Dual vivimus vivamus.
930
01:14:19,855 --> 01:14:23,586
While we live, let's live.
931
01:14:23,658 --> 01:14:27,424
Porcellian Club, Harvard's most
secret society.
932
01:14:27,496 --> 01:14:31,523
Members often call it "The PC".
933
01:14:31,600 --> 01:14:38,130
And "The Porc". I'm not a member, so
I just call it the Porcellian Club.
934
01:14:38,206 --> 01:14:44,941
Nobody is a member until they become a
member, but once a member, always a member.
935
01:14:45,013 --> 01:14:46,105
Like an alma mater.
936
01:14:49,918 --> 01:14:52,182
Only much, much better.
937
01:14:52,454 --> 01:14:54,684
Maybe next time around.
938
01:14:54,756 --> 01:15:01,992
Look at me, Eli.
There is no next time around.
939
01:15:02,063 --> 01:15:06,022
If you let Harvard win, I can
make you a Harvard student.
940
01:15:15,877 --> 01:15:18,175
Consider it.
941
01:15:22,017 --> 01:15:24,923
He said that if I take
a dive in the final
942
01:15:24,936 --> 01:15:27,853
match, I go to Harvard
on a full scholarship.
943
01:15:27,923 --> 01:15:29,788
Does that include a graduate
degree?
944
01:15:29,858 --> 01:15:30,984
Who needs a graduate degree?
945
01:15:31,059 --> 01:15:32,720
Well, what was your answer?
946
01:15:32,794 --> 01:15:37,231
I didn't have one.
I still don't have one.
947
01:15:37,499 --> 01:15:41,799
I gotta go, just don't follow
me, don't try to find me, agh!
948
01:15:43,038 --> 01:15:45,734
I'm gyrating. I'm gyrating.
949
01:15:45,807 --> 01:15:47,672
No, no, no, it's like this.
950
01:15:49,945 --> 01:15:53,642
You're the rice in my beans,
baby.
951
01:15:53,715 --> 01:15:55,205
Uh, hey, is Eli around?
952
01:15:55,283 --> 01:15:57,717
- You guys don't know where he is?
- Is something wrong?
953
01:15:57,786 --> 01:15:59,845
Everything is fine. He's probably just
getting in the zone all by himself.
954
01:15:59,921 --> 01:16:01,513
What's going on?
What's going on, what?
955
01:16:01,590 --> 01:16:02,550
He's obviously not here.
956
01:16:02,591 --> 01:16:03,580
I know he's not here.
957
01:16:03,658 --> 01:16:04,784
So let's go, let's go.
958
01:16:04,859 --> 01:16:06,622
So, later.
959
01:16:29,184 --> 01:16:30,475
- Eli?
- Eli.
960
01:16:30,500 --> 01:16:31,752
Eli?
961
01:16:31,753 --> 01:16:34,153
We should go back and wait
for him in the dressing room.
962
01:16:34,222 --> 01:16:36,622
What are you talking about? He's
not going to the dressing room.
963
01:16:36,691 --> 01:16:38,886
He could be anywhere.
964
01:16:40,829 --> 01:16:43,992
We are live in Poughkeepsie,
New York...
965
01:16:44,065 --> 01:16:46,966
for the 49th annual Collegiate
Mastermind Tournament Championship.
966
01:16:47,035 --> 01:16:49,060
And right off the bat,
we have a shocker.
967
01:16:49,137 --> 01:16:50,934
Oh, boy.
968
01:16:51,006 --> 01:16:54,965
Whittman College's star player
Eli Pettifog is a no-show.
969
01:16:55,043 --> 01:16:58,604
I think that their chances have
gone from long shot...
970
01:16:58,680 --> 01:17:01,240
to no shot here against the
Harvard Crimson ruling elite.
971
01:17:06,288 --> 01:17:09,689
There.
972
01:17:09,758 --> 01:17:10,952
What are you doing, Eli?
973
01:17:11,026 --> 01:17:12,755
Eli.
974
01:17:12,827 --> 01:17:15,990
He can't talk, but his Lego
skills are ridiculous.
975
01:17:16,064 --> 01:17:18,726
Hmm.
976
01:17:18,800 --> 01:17:20,791
Come on, let's go.
The match is starting.
977
01:17:23,972 --> 01:17:25,803
Keep on building.
978
01:17:28,143 --> 01:17:30,202
Holy shit, no Pettifog.
979
01:17:30,278 --> 01:17:32,906
Oh, no, I forgot to go
to the bathroom.
980
01:17:36,851 --> 01:17:39,319
Good afternoon, ladies and
gentlemen...
981
01:17:39,387 --> 01:17:43,289
and welcome to this year's Collegiate
Mastermind Championship Match.
982
01:17:43,358 --> 01:17:45,758
Featuring the Harvard Crimson.
983
01:17:51,032 --> 01:17:54,024
Against the Whittman
Warring Hare.
984
01:17:59,207 --> 01:18:02,074
The first question is a toss-up.
985
01:18:02,143 --> 01:18:07,046
When was the stethoscope
invented and by whom?
986
01:18:07,115 --> 01:18:12,109
1816, by
Ren�-Th�ophile-Hyacinthe Laennec.
987
01:18:12,187 --> 01:18:14,747
That is right.
988
01:18:14,823 --> 01:18:16,814
Here's your bonus.
989
01:18:16,891 --> 01:18:21,385
Despite her French-sounding name,
Marie Curie was from what country?
990
01:18:21,663 --> 01:18:22,391
Poland.
991
01:18:22,664 --> 01:18:24,222
That is right.
992
01:18:26,735 --> 01:18:28,726
Here's a toss-up.
993
01:18:28,803 --> 01:18:34,639
Who was the only Major League pitcher
to throw a no-hitter while on LSD?
994
01:18:34,709 --> 01:18:36,074
Doc Ellis.
995
01:18:36,144 --> 01:18:38,169
That is correct.
996
01:18:38,246 --> 01:18:39,645
Where's Pettifog?
997
01:18:39,714 --> 01:18:41,238
Here's your bonus.
998
01:18:41,316 --> 01:18:44,945
What was the last country to
stop legally producing LSD?
999
01:18:45,019 --> 01:18:47,647
Czechoslovakia in 1975.
1000
01:18:47,722 --> 01:18:49,952
That is right.
1001
01:18:50,024 --> 01:18:53,790
This humiliation
is gonna go viral.
1002
01:18:53,862 --> 01:18:59,300
It was Michigan in the semi-finals and now
it is a young, plucky band of kids...
1003
01:18:59,367 --> 01:19:01,927
from Whittman College who are
feeling Harvard's wrath.
1004
01:19:02,003 --> 01:19:04,403
Ugh, it's not pretty out there.
1005
01:19:04,472 --> 01:19:09,068
I didn't think they had a chance
from the beginning...
1006
01:19:09,144 --> 01:19:13,274
but now this sad Cinderella
story is coming to a close.
1007
01:19:13,348 --> 01:19:17,011
Now the cards were stacked against
Whittman to begin with, even with...
1008
01:19:17,085 --> 01:19:19,849
Eli? Eli!
1009
01:19:19,921 --> 01:19:24,984
Excuse me, I made the decision that is
going to determine my future and yours.
1010
01:19:25,059 --> 01:19:30,122
I reject friendship, I reject love,
and I reject Collegiate Mastermind.
1011
01:19:30,198 --> 01:19:36,899
Iron Chef Michael Simon attended
which Cleveland area high school?
1012
01:19:36,971 --> 01:19:39,872
Saint Edward High School
in Lakewood.
1013
01:19:39,941 --> 01:19:41,875
That is right.
1014
01:19:45,880 --> 01:19:49,247
Make it look like your
buzzers don't work.
1015
01:19:49,317 --> 01:19:53,947
Toss up. What animal is
incapable of seeing the sky?
1016
01:19:57,325 --> 01:20:01,489
I take it back.
Five seconds, Whittman.
1017
01:20:01,763 --> 01:20:03,549
Something in my head is saying
gashon, gashon, gashon.
1018
01:20:03,562 --> 01:20:05,358
What the hell is gashon?
1019
01:20:05,433 --> 01:20:09,199
It's a pig. The pig.
1020
01:20:09,270 --> 01:20:11,101
That is right.
1021
01:20:14,809 --> 01:20:17,107
Here's your bonus.
1022
01:20:17,178 --> 01:20:19,663
These ancient people were
sometimes accompanied
1023
01:20:19,676 --> 01:20:22,172
to the grave with
their herds of pigs.
1024
01:20:22,250 --> 01:20:26,311
The southern white cracker loves
his swine.
1025
01:20:26,387 --> 01:20:32,087
The cracker is an ancient. Polish
people are true pig lovers.
1026
01:20:32,160 --> 01:20:34,219
The Chinese!
1027
01:20:34,295 --> 01:20:36,388
That is correct.
1028
01:20:39,367 --> 01:20:41,392
Yeah! Uh-oh!
1029
01:20:44,572 --> 01:20:49,373
The ugliest sight in the world is the
sight of simple people being happy.
1030
01:20:49,444 --> 01:20:51,503
Toss up.
1031
01:20:51,579 --> 01:20:58,246
What ill-fated computer platform was
released on the 23rd of April, 1983?
1032
01:20:58,319 --> 01:21:00,150
The Apple 3.
1033
01:21:00,221 --> 01:21:01,449
That is right.
1034
01:21:01,523 --> 01:21:03,150
How did you know that?
1035
01:21:03,224 --> 01:21:06,022
- I didn't know I did.
- Here's your bonus.
1036
01:21:06,094 --> 01:21:08,449
Who was the forgotten
founder of Apple and what
1037
01:21:08,462 --> 01:21:10,827
was his greatest
contribution to the company?
1038
01:21:10,899 --> 01:21:13,561
Ron Wayne, he designed
the first logo.
1039
01:21:13,835 --> 01:21:17,794
You nailed it!
1040
01:21:17,872 --> 01:21:19,430
Yeah, Gertrude.
1041
01:21:19,507 --> 01:21:20,997
Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.
1042
01:21:21,075 --> 01:21:24,511
Wow, a sign of life from these
Whittman Hares.
1043
01:21:24,579 --> 01:21:27,173
Nah, I think it's gonna be too
little, too late, Spencer.
1044
01:21:27,248 --> 01:21:30,376
Coming up on the two-minute warning,
I think Whittman's fate is all but sealed.
1045
01:21:30,451 --> 01:21:32,942
Let's not get too excited yet...
1046
01:21:33,021 --> 01:21:36,218
Harvard has been answering questions
like this for 500, 600 years.
1047
01:21:36,291 --> 01:21:38,191
They could beat Harvard
without you.
1048
01:21:44,165 --> 01:21:47,288
Toss up. Who performed
the only instrumental
1049
01:21:47,301 --> 01:21:50,434
song to have been banned
from American radio?
1050
01:21:50,505 --> 01:21:52,336
And what was the name of the
song?
1051
01:21:57,145 --> 01:22:01,411
- Holy spasticature.
- Oh! Down and out!
1052
01:22:01,482 --> 01:22:03,230
I'll tell you, that's the
most exciting moment
1053
01:22:03,243 --> 01:22:05,002
in Collegiate Mastermind
history, that is.
1054
01:22:05,053 --> 01:22:07,180
Wow, let's see that again.
1055
01:22:07,255 --> 01:22:11,282
Here you go, hold it, wait for it.
He's gonna clip the podium right...
1056
01:22:11,359 --> 01:22:14,260
Pow. Bing.
1057
01:22:14,329 --> 01:22:17,093
That's gonna shave
a few points of the old GPA.
1058
01:22:17,165 --> 01:22:22,125
Oh, don't you know it. He is a bleeder
that little kid, that smartie.
1059
01:22:22,203 --> 01:22:25,377
Ladies and gentlemen,
a member of the
1060
01:22:25,390 --> 01:22:28,574
Whittman side has sustained
a serious injury.
1061
01:22:30,578 --> 01:22:34,344
Whittman has three minutes
to produce their alternate.
1062
01:22:34,415 --> 01:22:37,043
You're now the alternate, Eli.
1063
01:22:37,118 --> 01:22:41,919
If you're not on that stage in three
minutes, Whittman will be disqualified.
1064
01:22:41,990 --> 01:22:45,448
I'd stay where you are, Eli.
A king always needs his castle.
1065
01:22:51,366 --> 01:22:58,135
Let me put it in context. How long
have you dreamed of going to Harvard?
1066
01:22:58,206 --> 01:23:00,197
My whole life.
1067
01:23:00,274 --> 01:23:05,177
How long have you dreamed
of beating Harvard?
1068
01:23:05,246 --> 01:23:08,579
A couple of months.
1069
01:23:08,650 --> 01:23:12,017
You're gonna have to honor
the big dream, Eli.
1070
01:23:12,086 --> 01:23:13,644
Yeah.
1071
01:23:13,721 --> 01:23:17,020
Wait, what the hell are you
doing?
1072
01:23:17,091 --> 01:23:22,961
I mean, do you really want to screw your
school, your team and your friends?
1073
01:23:23,031 --> 01:23:28,162
Get some balls, Eli,
and go out there and win it.
1074
01:23:28,236 --> 01:23:31,933
It's his right.
How's your brain feeling?
1075
01:23:38,980 --> 01:23:41,039
- I can't do this.
- Get out there.
1076
01:23:41,115 --> 01:23:44,448
I don't know what the fuck
I'm supposed to do, guys.
1077
01:24:02,403 --> 01:24:04,462
Things just got interesting.
1078
01:24:04,539 --> 01:24:07,565
Eli Pettifog, the Whittman Hares star
player just stepped out on the stage.
1079
01:24:07,642 --> 01:24:11,009
That boy has not missed
a question all season long.
1080
01:24:11,079 --> 01:24:12,103
He has got brains.
1081
01:24:12,180 --> 01:24:13,112
Yes.
1082
01:24:13,181 --> 01:24:14,375
He's got hair.
1083
01:24:14,449 --> 01:24:14,949
Where the hell have you been?
1084
01:24:14,950 --> 01:24:16,382
Where the hell have you been?
1085
01:24:16,451 --> 01:24:17,383
You don't want to know.
1086
01:24:17,452 --> 01:24:18,510
Yes, we do.
1087
01:24:22,390 --> 01:24:27,987
Whittman has produced their
alternate, so let's resume.
1088
01:24:28,062 --> 01:24:29,461
Benny here.
1089
01:24:29,530 --> 01:24:31,464
- Benny, it's me, it's Leo.
- Yeah?
1090
01:24:31,532 --> 01:24:34,000
I want to take the bet back,
the Harvard bet?
1091
01:24:34,068 --> 01:24:36,189
Leo, I never put the bet through.
It doesn't exist.
1092
01:24:36,202 --> 01:24:38,334
You should be thanking me.
1093
01:24:42,276 --> 01:24:45,768
Hey, Leo? You're welcome.
1094
01:24:49,050 --> 01:24:50,483
Thank you, Benny.
1095
01:24:50,551 --> 01:24:52,416
Toss up.
1096
01:24:52,487 --> 01:24:59,757
Who said, "A whale ship was my
Yale College and my Harvard?"
1097
01:25:02,530 --> 01:25:03,497
I can't, I can't.
1098
01:25:03,564 --> 01:25:04,496
You better.
1099
01:25:04,565 --> 01:25:06,260
Five seconds.
1100
01:25:06,334 --> 01:25:07,323
Come on, guys.
1101
01:25:07,401 --> 01:25:08,333
I would say Melville.
1102
01:25:08,402 --> 01:25:09,369
Then say it.
1103
01:25:09,437 --> 01:25:12,133
Herman Melville.
1104
01:25:12,206 --> 01:25:13,332
That is right.
1105
01:25:18,146 --> 01:25:23,379
For your bonus, at the time of his
death, Herman Melville was so obscure...
1106
01:25:23,451 --> 01:25:26,318
the New York Times misidentified
him in his obituary.
1107
01:25:26,387 --> 01:25:27,319
I know this.
1108
01:25:27,388 --> 01:25:28,719
What name did they use?
1109
01:25:28,790 --> 01:25:30,348
Henry Melville.
1110
01:25:30,424 --> 01:25:32,255
That is right.
1111
01:25:38,299 --> 01:25:41,291
Whittman! Go, Whittman!
1112
01:25:43,137 --> 01:25:45,367
We have a tie score.
1113
01:25:45,439 --> 01:25:47,669
I can't believe we're
tied with Harvard.
1114
01:25:47,742 --> 01:25:49,471
I can't believe they're
tied with Harvard.
1115
01:25:49,544 --> 01:25:53,344
I can't believe they're tied
with Harvard.
1116
01:25:55,817 --> 01:26:01,380
This next question will
determine the championship.
1117
01:26:01,455 --> 01:26:08,190
Toss up. Iceland and England broke
off diplomatic relations in 1976.
1118
01:26:08,262 --> 01:26:11,163
What dispute caused the split?
1119
01:26:17,171 --> 01:26:18,103
Do you know?
1120
01:26:18,172 --> 01:26:19,537
No.
1121
01:26:21,576 --> 01:26:23,510
20 seconds.
1122
01:26:27,315 --> 01:26:31,183
Dude, come on, Eli,
set yourself free, man.
1123
01:26:37,692 --> 01:26:39,319
Ten seconds.
1124
01:26:49,503 --> 01:26:51,232
Cod? Cod!
1125
01:26:51,305 --> 01:26:53,330
Fishing.
1126
01:26:53,407 --> 01:26:55,739
Rights!
1127
01:27:02,350 --> 01:27:06,616
That is... right!
1128
01:27:11,759 --> 01:27:17,425
It's unbelievable. Harvard goes
down! Harvard goes down!
1129
01:27:17,498 --> 01:27:23,562
The Whittman Warring Hares are this year's
champions of the Collegiate Mastermind.
1130
01:27:26,841 --> 01:27:28,536
We did it, you guys, we...
1131
01:27:31,479 --> 01:27:33,379
Oh, my god.
1132
01:27:33,447 --> 01:27:38,817
You are the greatest
unbelievable ever now!
1133
01:27:38,886 --> 01:27:42,378
Go to the league office and tell
them we're getting the shaft.
1134
01:27:42,456 --> 01:27:44,515
They wrote a whole rule book
for moments like this.
1135
01:27:50,798 --> 01:27:52,231
How many stitches did you get?
1136
01:27:52,300 --> 01:27:53,631
Seven.
1137
01:27:53,701 --> 01:27:55,464
Can I take them out
when they're ready?
1138
01:27:55,536 --> 01:27:57,834
Yeah.
1139
01:27:57,905 --> 01:27:59,736
Nice brain.
1140
01:27:59,807 --> 01:28:01,365
- You see this brain?
- Yeah.
1141
01:28:01,442 --> 01:28:03,342
My left ball is bigger
than this brain.
1142
01:28:03,411 --> 01:28:06,539
That's why you're so artistic.
1143
01:28:31,439 --> 01:28:36,638
Shauna, get in the picture.
Yeah, Shauna.
1144
01:28:36,711 --> 01:28:41,908
Yo, Pettifog, tell us how
awesome we are!
1145
01:28:43,784 --> 01:28:46,617
Stop, stop, I'll do the speech.
I'll do a speech.
1146
01:28:46,687 --> 01:28:50,953
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
1147
01:28:51,025 --> 01:28:58,864
I, uh... I'm afraid I have some unpleasant
business regarding today's final.
1148
01:28:58,933 --> 01:29:03,029
According to Rule 324 of the
book of Collegiate Mastermind...
1149
01:29:03,304 --> 01:29:07,798
An injured player cannot be replaced with
less than one minute remaining in a match.
1150
01:29:07,875 --> 01:29:11,971
The team must complete the match
with two players.
1151
01:29:12,046 --> 01:29:16,039
Today Whittman College broke
that rule.
1152
01:29:16,317 --> 01:29:21,721
I'm sorry to have to tell you
that Harvard College...
1153
01:29:21,789 --> 01:29:24,656
is this year's Collegiate
Mastermind champion.
1154
01:29:31,799 --> 01:29:34,461
Excuse me. Excuse me.
1155
01:29:44,845 --> 01:29:48,337
We all know what happened today.
1156
01:29:48,416 --> 01:29:53,945
We beat Harvard fair and square.
1157
01:29:54,021 --> 01:29:57,889
But they stole it from us.
1158
01:29:57,958 --> 01:30:00,950
Do you know why?
1159
01:30:01,028 --> 01:30:04,759
Because they fear us.
1160
01:30:04,832 --> 01:30:10,429
We're the beautiful bums.
We're the people's champions.
1161
01:30:17,044 --> 01:30:20,912
So let us be history's secret.
1162
01:31:14,535 --> 01:31:18,164
Are you sure I can do this?
I'm not even a student yet.
1163
01:31:19,974 --> 01:31:24,411
Don't worry, you're with me.
1164
01:31:24,478 --> 01:31:26,002
Ring it.
1165
01:31:52,239 --> 01:31:53,651
Leo?
1166
01:31:56,776 --> 01:31:58,176
Leo?
1167
01:32:09,890 --> 01:32:12,518
Where's he going?
1168
01:32:12,593 --> 01:32:13,924
Let's go down.
1169
01:32:13,994 --> 01:32:19,796
Hey, Leo! Where are you going?
1170
01:32:19,867 --> 01:32:21,960
Going back to being a civilian.
1171
01:32:22,036 --> 01:32:23,970
You're not a civilian.
1172
01:32:24,038 --> 01:32:28,839
Gonna get a job. I'm gonna pay
for my daughter's education.
1173
01:32:28,909 --> 01:32:35,781
And I'm going to find an
age-appropriate fox, and I mean that.
1174
01:32:39,520 --> 01:32:42,614
It's been a pleasure
making bad decisions with you.
1175
01:32:42,690 --> 01:32:45,853
I'll miss you, too.
1176
01:33:03,177 --> 01:33:05,771
Take care. Cut your hair.
1177
01:33:29,637 --> 01:33:32,197
Please don't cut your hair.
1178
01:33:32,273 --> 01:33:36,972
Of course, I won't.
It protects my brain.
1179
01:33:38,178 --> 01:33:40,544
What did you say?
1180
01:33:40,614 --> 01:33:43,811
Nothing.
1181
01:34:00,834 --> 01:34:03,826
Excuse me.
1182
01:34:20,921 --> 01:34:22,047
Uh, Miss?
1183
01:35:03,797 --> 01:35:08,200
What do you think the future
of this Whittman team will be?
1184
01:35:08,268 --> 01:35:11,704
I think the sky
is the limit for these...
1185
01:35:11,772 --> 01:35:13,865
for these fine...
fine, young kids.
1186
01:35:13,941 --> 01:35:18,901
I think I see a lot of,
uh, big jobs in their future.
1187
01:35:18,979 --> 01:35:21,812
I see maybe perhaps a couple
internet start-ups.
1188
01:35:21,882 --> 01:35:23,645
I see a Nobel Prize or two.
1189
01:35:23,717 --> 01:35:26,083
I see some... some... some, uh...
1190
01:35:26,153 --> 01:35:28,417
I see some... some trash
collecting work.
1191
01:35:28,689 --> 01:35:31,157
Some of them, obviously, they're
not gonna excel like the others.
1192
01:35:31,225 --> 01:35:33,386
Some of them
were injured too much.
1193
01:35:33,460 --> 01:35:36,327
They're gonna waste it. There's
gonna be some drug problems.
1194
01:35:36,397 --> 01:35:40,959
But by and large, I see a lot
of these kids making it big...
1195
01:35:41,034 --> 01:35:45,061
if they don't,
you know, hit the pipe.
1196
01:35:45,139 --> 01:35:47,403
Well, that's all
from Poughkeepsie.
1197
01:35:47,474 --> 01:35:49,374
You keep learning, America.
1198
01:35:49,443 --> 01:35:50,705
You do it.
90130
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