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1
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Barbara?
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Barbara?
3
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Barbara?
4
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RIMA:
So, you're...
5
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holding each other's breasts...
6
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,667
- Boobs, yeah.
- And then you leaned in
7
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and stared into each other's eyes
8
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and it just... happened.
- Yeah.
9
00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:47,589
Basically, but then this morning...
- Wait.
10
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Was that it?
11
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Just... just kissing?
12
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- No, I mean, we did everything.
13
00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:54,972
- And when you say everything...
14
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- We went down on each other,
we fingered each other.
15
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I mean, she can't finger me,
16
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but I moved my vagina around on her...
17
00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:01,728
hand, kind of.
The issue is
18
00:01:01,812 --> 00:01:03,730
that this morning, I wake up
and she's not talking to me.
19
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She's gone.
She's not there anymore.
20
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We're supposed to finish this script.
21
00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:12,239
- Oh. I want you to go back
and examine what you just said.
22
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You did everything.
23
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- Jesus, Rima, we fucked.
24
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I mean, what do you want me to say?
25
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We made love, whatever.
26
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- Made love?
27
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[exhales]:
Ah...
28
00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:25,669
There we go.
29
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:28,797
You made love...
30
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to yourself.
31
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The two parts became one.
32
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And now, you don't need Barbara
to help you finish that script.
33
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Because you are fully self-actualized.
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- [laughs softly]
35
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[typing]
36
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[rapid knocking]
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[knocking continues]
38
00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,539
So then she starts threatening me.
39
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,041
She's gonna, like, call the landlord.
40
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And the landlord fucking hates me,
41
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:07,002
so I'm trying to play it cool
like, "Oh, we don't need to
42
00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:08,086
involve the landlord," 'cause, you know,
43
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I'm on rent control, so he would just love
44
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a reason to get rid of me.
- Whoa, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
45
00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,550
Calm down. Wait. This is all
because you asked her son
46
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to move a bookcase, and he hit his head?
47
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How the fuck is that your fault?
- Exactly! It isn't.
48
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:18,805
That's what I'm saying.
And this little...
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00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:20,349
brat, like, tattled on me,
50
00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:22,518
and now I'm gonna have to,
like, move to Koreatown
51
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:24,895
and, like, have this
sad bachelor pad, and, like...
52
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,146
- Or...
53
00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:30,275
...you can move in with me.
54
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:36,448
[intro to "Fade Into You"
by Mazzy Star playing]
55
00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,958
♪ I want to hold the hand ♪
56
00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:48,001
♪ Inside you ♪
57
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,758
♪ I want to take the breath ♪
58
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,885
♪ That's true ♪
59
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,183
♪ I look to you ♪
60
00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:06,186
♪ And I see nothing ♪
61
00:03:08,272 --> 00:03:09,731
- 'Sup, bitch?
62
00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:11,984
[song stops abruptly]
63
00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,569
- Barbara?
64
00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:16,071
[chuckles softly]
What the fuck?
65
00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:17,573
Oh, my God.
- Hi.
66
00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:19,867
- Barbara, yesterday you, like...
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00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,243
you went back to being inanimate.
68
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:22,536
- No, dawg, I was sleeping.
69
00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:25,455
- No. Really, you were, like...
- Completely zonked,
70
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,957
because someone made me scissor them
71
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,625
[laughs]:
until 4:00 in the morning.
72
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,878
And also, friend to friend,
73
00:03:30,961 --> 00:03:32,337
you gotta laser your pussy,
74
00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:35,048
'cause it is very prickly-pear down there.
75
00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:37,050
My tongue is, like, completely cut up.
76
00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:38,802
It was bleeding this morning. Look.
77
00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:41,930
What's wrong with you?
78
00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,560
- Um, I'm moving in with Dan.
79
00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:49,855
- Oh.
80
00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:52,065
Okay. I mean...
81
00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:56,445
I guess, like... I guess I'd be
okay moving back to Dan's,
82
00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:59,531
and, you know, if it was just,
like, a couple times a week,
83
00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:03,202
I'd be down to fuck him.
- No, Barbara, you're not...
84
00:04:03,285 --> 00:04:06,079
You can't come with me.
85
00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:07,789
- What?
86
00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:10,918
Well, then...
87
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,961
where will I go?
88
00:04:13,045 --> 00:04:16,048
- I don't know, um, but I'm...
I'll figure something out.
89
00:04:16,131 --> 00:04:18,050
- This is totally crazy.
What do you mean
90
00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:20,052
you'll figure it out?
I mean...
91
00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:21,803
what about our script?
92
00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:23,096
- I don't know, I'm, like...
93
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,098
just gonna set it aside for a while.
94
00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:26,975
- Gonna "set it aside"?
95
00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:28,769
- Yeah. You know, like,
you just set it aside,
96
00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:30,604
like, put it in a drawer for a while,
97
00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:32,814
and then when you look at it
with fresh eyes...
98
00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:33,774
[groans]
99
00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:34,983
- What?
- Cody,
100
00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:36,276
when Susan B. Anthony was marching
101
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:37,861
for a woman's right to bear arms,
102
00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:39,696
do you think she, like, set it all aside
103
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,198
just to move in with her boyfriend?
104
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,325
- Okay, that's not...
- And when Roe and Wade
105
00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:44,993
fought each other lo those many years ago,
106
00:04:45,077 --> 00:04:46,954
do you think it was about a guy, Cody?
107
00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:48,956
No, it wasn't.
It was not about a guy.
108
00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:51,667
It was about super-important,
like, feminist-y type stuff
109
00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:53,460
that I'm not gonna get into
with you right now,
110
00:04:53,544 --> 00:04:55,254
because you're literally
the worst feminist I've ever met.
111
00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:59,216
And you're never gonna finish your script!
112
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,844
You're gonna keep setting it
aside and setting it aside,
113
00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:04,471
until one day you wake up and you realize
114
00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:07,683
that you have made nothing of yourself.
115
00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:10,394
That all you are and all you'll ever be
116
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,396
is Dan Harmon's girlfriend,
117
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:15,315
Dan Harmon's plus size, plus-one.
118
00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:18,777
You're a passive protagonist
in your own fuckin' life.
119
00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,779
- Fuck you!
- It's true.
120
00:05:20,863 --> 00:05:24,116
And every time he calls,
you drop everything to be with him.
121
00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:26,577
It's so sad, and it's so pathetic.
122
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:27,995
But guess what, Cody?
123
00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:30,998
One day he is gonna get bored of you,
124
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:33,709
and as soon as you get
one too many wrinkles
125
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:37,838
on that tiny little forehead,
he's gonna get another plus-one,
126
00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:40,132
a better one, a younger one,
127
00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:41,383
and then...
128
00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:44,011
you won't even be his plus-one.
129
00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,180
You, Cody Heller...
130
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[whispers]:
will be nothing.
131
00:05:48,473 --> 00:05:51,018
[mid-tempo, pulsing music playing]
132
00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,270
- I think that's everything.
133
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,480
- Didn't you listen
to anything I just said?!
134
00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,065
- Uh... oh.
- This is bullshit!
135
00:05:57,149 --> 00:05:58,817
- And I'll give you my old phone.
136
00:05:58,901 --> 00:06:00,944
I got a new one, so you can keep this
137
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,988
and, I don't know,
listen to music or whatever.
138
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:04,823
- Phone.
139
00:06:04,907 --> 00:06:08,076
Play a song for when your best friend
stabs you in the back.
140
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,870
[intro to "Everybody Hurts" playing]
141
00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:12,164
- Um, all right.
142
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:14,249
I guess I'll see you... around.
143
00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:16,001
Okay, bye.
144
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:17,753
- You're making a huge mistake, Cody.
145
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,922
If you'd just listen to me!
Please!
146
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♪
147
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Bye.
148
00:06:24,176 --> 00:06:27,262
♪ When your day is long ♪
149
00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,225
♪ And the night ♪
150
00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,601
DAN [calls]:
Bean, you ready?
151
00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:34,353
- One second!
152
00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:37,856
- It's a panel about a superhero
whose whole thing is clocks.
153
00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:39,441
I cannot be late.
154
00:06:39,525 --> 00:06:41,568
- Okay, okay, okay!
155
00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:43,403
[ringtone plays]
156
00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:46,740
Hello?
MAN: Hi, Cody.
157
00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,951
I have your agent, Chet Jacobs, for you.
158
00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:50,953
- Who? Seriously,
the next time this happens,
159
00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:53,205
can you guys just give me a female agent?
160
00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:55,999
- Cody. Chet. How you doing?
161
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:59,086
Listen, I don't know
if you heard, but Phil...
162
00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:01,338
Let me guess-- Phil was #MeToo'd?
163
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,673
Uh, no.
164
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,342
His wife has Stage IV breast cancer.
165
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,760
- Oh.
- Yes.
166
00:07:06,844 --> 00:07:09,346
Anyway, I just wanted
to let you know that I loved
167
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,764
that script of yours.
168
00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:12,307
It's hilarious.
169
00:07:12,391 --> 00:07:14,309
- What?
- And I love
170
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:15,894
that you created the fake e-mail account
171
00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:17,771
from the sex doll character
to send it to me.
172
00:07:17,855 --> 00:07:20,732
BarbaraHimmelbaum@yahoo.com?
So funny.
173
00:07:20,816 --> 00:07:24,736
- Y-Yeah. Um, I was trying to,
uh, be like meta to... Yeah.
174
00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:26,363
Yeah-yeah, I do have a few thoughts.
175
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,241
You're not so great
at writing male characters,
176
00:07:29,324 --> 00:07:31,785
and I got to be honest,
I don't think the Dan character
177
00:07:31,869 --> 00:07:34,329
would pass the...
whatever the male version
178
00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:36,456
[chuckles]:
of the Bechdel test is.
179
00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:39,126
- Uh-huh?
- Yeah.
180
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,837
So I've got some buyers
interested in this already,
181
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,256
but they're gonna want to hear
a full-season pitch.
182
00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:47,301
- Okay, great. I-I-I can get that done.
- Great.
183
00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:49,636
And we'll get these meetings
on the books, then.
184
00:07:54,433 --> 00:07:56,018
[phone ringing]
185
00:07:58,437 --> 00:07:59,938
- Whassup, slut!
186
00:08:00,022 --> 00:08:02,357
You comin' to get me?
We have a show to write!
187
00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:04,610
What are you wearing?
You look like you're in,
188
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,612
like, a high school musical production
189
00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:07,654
of Phantom of the Opera.
190
00:08:07,738 --> 00:08:08,780
- [Cody scoffs]
DAN: Hey, Cody, you coming?
191
00:08:08,864 --> 00:08:12,159
Ticktock! We got to go!
192
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:14,536
BARBARA:
Excuse me, do you have somewhere to go?
193
00:08:14,620 --> 00:08:16,830
- [whispers]:
One second, one second, one second.
194
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,166
Hey.
195
00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,626
- Are you coming?
196
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,045
- Uh...
197
00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:25,464
[pulsing musical beat plays]
198
00:08:25,547 --> 00:08:27,966
Just go ahead without me.
199
00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:36,266
My God. I'm sweating through
this blazer like a motherfucker.
200
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:37,768
- I know. Jesus.
201
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,937
- Y-You can tell?
- Uh, yeah, very much so.
202
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:42,064
I can smell it, too.
Very Baja Fresh.
203
00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:44,483
- Dude, I'm rea...
I'm, like, really nervous.
204
00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,401
- Relax. These fucks would be
idiots not to buy this.
205
00:08:46,485 --> 00:08:48,070
It's gonna be, like, a really good show.
206
00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:50,280
- Yeah, you think?
- A thousand percent.
207
00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:51,448
- And, like, we have enough material
208
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:52,824
for a full half hour, right?
209
00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,785
- Are you kidding?
It could honestly be an hour long.
210
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,537
It's just, there's
too much funny stuff to commit
211
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,455
to making it a drama.
- Yeah, yeah, you're right.
212
00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:00,457
- Just remember
the casting stuff, you know?
213
00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:03,627
I play myself, and for the role
of Cody, we're going diverse.
214
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:05,838
- What?
No, I'm gonna play myself.
215
00:09:05,921 --> 00:09:07,172
- Cody, get serious.
216
00:09:07,256 --> 00:09:09,049
The last thing anyone wants right now
217
00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:10,926
is another show about two white girls.
218
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:12,177
- Okay, well, then we'll cast,
219
00:09:12,261 --> 00:09:13,303
like, a diverse doll or whatever.
220
00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:14,596
- Fine.
- Great.
221
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,682
- Fine. Fine, and then I'll play Cody.
222
00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:18,392
- How would that work?
223
00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:19,810
- I don't know, I'll just, like,
wear a fat suit or whatever.
224
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,645
Oh, come on, you don't actually expect me
225
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,105
to, like, gain weight.
- Barbara, I mean, no, okay...
226
00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:25,065
That-That's not what I meant,
and you know it.
227
00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:27,818
[both talking at once]
228
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,444
- That's how dedicated I am to my craft.
229
00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:32,447
I will gain the weight
to play the role of Cody Heller.
230
00:09:32,531 --> 00:09:34,533
- No. Fuck no. Fuck you,
Barbara. You're being
231
00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:36,577
such a little fuckin' asshole.
I hope that you just...
- Hi.
232
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,287
- Um...
233
00:09:38,370 --> 00:09:40,038
hi.
234
00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,456
Um, I'm Cody.
235
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,375
BARBARA [coughs]:
Rude.
236
00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:44,918
- And this is Barbara.
237
00:09:45,002 --> 00:09:47,045
Thank you so much
for hearing our pitch today.
238
00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:49,339
- Oh. You're Dan Harmon's girlfriend.
239
00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:51,091
- Yes.
- He actually dated me first
240
00:09:51,175 --> 00:09:53,093
and was, like, way more in love with me.
241
00:09:53,177 --> 00:09:55,053
What? He was.
242
00:09:55,137 --> 00:09:57,598
Man, that guy is such a genius.
17667
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