Original subtitles

Barbara?

Barbara?

Barbara?

RIMA: So, you're...

holding each other's breasts...

- Boobs, yeah. - And then you leaned in

and stared into each other's eyes

and it just... happened. - Yeah.

Basically, but then this morning... - Wait.

Was that it?

Just... just kissing?

- No, I mean, we did everything.

- And when you say everything...

- We went down on each other, we fingered each other.

I mean, she can't finger me,

but I moved my vagina around on her...

hand, kind of. The issue is

that this morning, I wake up and she's not talking to me.

She's gone. She's not there anymore.

We're supposed to finish this script.

- Oh. I want you to go back and examine what you just said.

You did everything.

- Jesus, Rima, we fucked.

I mean, what do you want me to say?

We made love, whatever.

- Made love?

[exhales]: Ah...

There we go.

You made love...

to yourself.

The two parts became one.

And now, you don't need Barbara to help you finish that script.

Because you are fully self-actualized.

- [laughs softly]

[typing]

[rapid knocking]

[knocking continues]

So then she starts threatening me.

She's gonna, like, call the landlord.

And the landlord fucking hates me,

so I'm trying to play it cool like, "Oh, we don't need to

involve the landlord," 'cause, you know,

I'm on rent control, so he would just love

a reason to get rid of me. - Whoa, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Calm down. Wait. This is all because you asked her son

to move a bookcase, and he hit his head?

How the fuck is that your fault? - Exactly! It isn't.

That's what I'm saying. And this little...

brat, like, tattled on me,

and now I'm gonna have to, like, move to Koreatown

and, like, have this sad bachelor pad, and, like...

- Or...

...you can move in with me.

[intro to "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star playing]

♪ I want to hold the hand ♪

♪ Inside you ♪

♪ I want to take the breath ♪

♪ That's true ♪

♪ I look to you ♪

♪ And I see nothing ♪

- 'Sup, bitch?

[song stops abruptly]

- Barbara?

[chuckles softly] What the fuck?

Oh, my God. - Hi.

- Barbara, yesterday you, like...

you went back to being inanimate.

- No, dawg, I was sleeping.

- No. Really, you were, like... - Completely zonked,

because someone made me scissor them

[laughs]: until 4:00 in the morning.

And also, friend to friend,

you gotta laser your pussy,

'cause it is very prickly-pear down there.

My tongue is, like, completely cut up.

It was bleeding this morning. Look.

What's wrong with you?

- Um, I'm moving in with Dan.

- Oh.

Okay. I mean...

I guess, like... I guess I'd be okay moving back to Dan's,

and, you know, if it was just, like, a couple times a week,

I'd be down to fuck him. - No, Barbara, you're not...

You can't come with me.

- What?

Well, then...

where will I go?

- I don't know, um, but I'm... I'll figure something out.

- This is totally crazy. What do you mean

you'll figure it out? I mean...

what about our script?

- I don't know, I'm, like...

just gonna set it aside for a while.

- Gonna "set it aside"?

- Yeah. You know, like, you just set it aside,

like, put it in a drawer for a while,

and then when you look at it with fresh eyes...

[groans]

- What? - Cody,

when Susan B. Anthony was marching

for a woman's right to bear arms,

do you think she, like, set it all aside

just to move in with her boyfriend?

- Okay, that's not... - And when Roe and Wade

fought each other lo those many years ago,

do you think it was about a guy, Cody?

No, it wasn't. It was not about a guy.

It was about super-important, like, feminist-y type stuff

that I'm not gonna get into with you right now,

because you're literally the worst feminist I've ever met.

And you're never gonna finish your script!

You're gonna keep setting it aside and setting it aside,

until one day you wake up and you realize

that you have made nothing of yourself.

That all you are and all you'll ever be

is Dan Harmon's girlfriend,

Dan Harmon's plus size, plus-one.

You're a passive protagonist in your own fuckin' life.

- Fuck you! - It's true.

And every time he calls, you drop everything to be with him.

It's so sad, and it's so pathetic.

But guess what, Cody?

One day he is gonna get bored of you,

and as soon as you get one too many wrinkles

on that tiny little forehead, he's gonna get another plus-one,

a better one, a younger one,

and then...

you won't even be his plus-one.

You, Cody Heller...

[whispers]: will be nothing.

[mid-tempo, pulsing music playing]

- I think that's everything.

- Didn't you listen to anything I just said?!

- Uh... oh. - This is bullshit!

- And I'll give you my old phone.

I got a new one, so you can keep this

and, I don't know, listen to music or whatever.

- Phone.

Play a song for when your best friend stabs you in the back.

[intro to "Everybody Hurts" playing]

- Um, all right.

I guess I'll see you... around.

Okay, bye.

- You're making a huge mistake, Cody.

If you'd just listen to me! Please!

♪

Bye.

♪ When your day is long ♪

♪ And the night ♪

DAN [calls]: Bean, you ready?

- One second!

- It's a panel about a superhero whose whole thing is clocks.

I cannot be late.

- Okay, okay, okay!

[ringtone plays]

Hello? MAN: Hi, Cody.

I have your agent, Chet Jacobs, for you.

- Who? Seriously, the next time this happens,

can you guys just give me a female agent?

- Cody. Chet. How you doing?

Listen, I don't know if you heard, but Phil...

Let me guess-- Phil was #MeToo'd?

Uh, no.

His wife has Stage IV breast cancer.

- Oh. - Yes.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I loved

that script of yours.

It's hilarious.

- What? - And I love

that you created the fake e-mail account

from the sex doll character to send it to me.

BarbaraHimmelbaum@yahoo.com? So funny.

- Y-Yeah. Um, I was trying to, uh, be like meta to... Yeah.

Yeah-yeah, I do have a few thoughts.

You're not so great at writing male characters,

and I got to be honest, I don't think the Dan character

would pass the... whatever the male version

[chuckles]: of the Bechdel test is.

- Uh-huh? - Yeah.

So I've got some buyers interested in this already,

but they're gonna want to hear a full-season pitch.

- Okay, great. I-I-I can get that done. - Great.

And we'll get these meetings on the books, then.

[phone ringing]

- Whassup, slut!

You comin' to get me? We have a show to write!

What are you wearing? You look like you're in,

like, a high school musical production

of Phantom of the Opera.

- [Cody scoffs] DAN: Hey, Cody, you coming?

Ticktock! We got to go!

BARBARA: Excuse me, do you have somewhere to go?

- [whispers]: One second, one second, one second.

Hey.

- Are you coming?

- Uh...

[pulsing musical beat plays]

Just go ahead without me.

My God. I'm sweating through this blazer like a motherfucker.

- I know. Jesus.

- Y-You can tell? - Uh, yeah, very much so.

I can smell it, too. Very Baja Fresh.

- Dude, I'm rea... I'm, like, really nervous.

- Relax. These fucks would be idiots not to buy this.

It's gonna be, like, a really good show.

- Yeah, you think? - A thousand percent.

- And, like, we have enough material

for a full half hour, right?

- Are you kidding? It could honestly be an hour long.

It's just, there's too much funny stuff to commit

to making it a drama. - Yeah, yeah, you're right.

- Just remember the casting stuff, you know?

I play myself, and for the role of Cody, we're going diverse.

- What? No, I'm gonna play myself.

- Cody, get serious.

The last thing anyone wants right now

is another show about two white girls.

- Okay, well, then we'll cast,

like, a diverse doll or whatever.

- Fine. - Great.

- Fine. Fine, and then I'll play Cody.

- How would that work?

- I don't know, I'll just, like, wear a fat suit or whatever.

Oh, come on, you don't actually expect me

to, like, gain weight. - Barbara, I mean, no, okay...

That-That's not what I meant, and you know it.

[both talking at once]

- That's how dedicated I am to my craft.

I will gain the weight to play the role of Cody Heller.

- No. Fuck no. Fuck you, Barbara. You're being

such a little fuckin' asshole. I hope that you just... - Hi.

- Um...

hi.

Um, I'm Cody.

BARBARA [coughs]: Rude.

- And this is Barbara.

Thank you so much for hearing our pitch today.

- Oh. You're Dan Harmon's girlfriend.

- Yes. - He actually dated me first

and was, like, way more in love with me.

What? He was.

Man, that guy is such a genius.