Original subtitles

CODY: Okay, so we hard cut inside the convenience store.

Cody and Barbara enter; they're high as fuck.

And they head to the snack aisle.

BARBARA: Yeah, and then that's probably

where we should introduce Sheila, right?

- Who's Sheila? - You know, the crack whore.

- Oh, the crack sex worker. Yeah. - I mean, the crack sex worker.

- Are we calling her Sheila? - Yeah, why? Do you not like it?

- I don't know. She just doesn't, like,

feel like a Sheila. Maybe Shayna? - [inhales sharply]

Um, I actually do have a cousin named Shayna,

and I kind of worry that she might be, like, offended.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, I don't want her to think I'm making fun of her.

And, see, the thing that you have to know about Shayna--

actually really nice to talk... - Okay, but it's not like she's gonna see it.

I mean, it's just a spec script. It's not like it's getting made.

- Okay, well, it won't with that attitude,

that's for sure. [ringtone playing]

Oh, my God, Cody, if it's Dan, do not pick up.

Do not pick up! We're working! Ugh!

You fat bitch. You always do this.

Ugh, you're gonna come back, and you're gonna be

in a bad mood, and then we're gonna

have to talk about your relationship,

and I'm gonna have to pretend that I care.

[microwave beeping]

CODY: Well, that's it.

Dan's totally cheating on me. So...

- I know, right?

- Yeah. He's going on that girl Simone's podcast.

And she is so beautiful.

- She's honestly stunning.

- They probably haven't gotten physical yet, just because,

like, she seems like this really sweet person. [water splashes]

And she's probably, like... - Super sweet.

- ...considering my feelings, but it's only a matter of time,

realistically, before, like, they move in together

and, you know, like, start making a family. - Yeah, time.

Realistic. Time.

CODY: I mean, you know, he's a successful guy.

Like, a lot of girls would... - Uh-huh.

[romantic music playing]

Who... is...

that?

- Um, I don't know, my downstairs neighbor?

BARBARA: Holy shit!

I mean, you saw it, right?

- See what? - His dick.

It was, like, bulging in his pants.

- Oh, my God. - It was, like, pulsating.

And honestly, now that I'm thinking about it,

I think I could see the outline of his balls, too.

- Oh, my God. Dude. Dude. Gross! - What?

- He's, like, 14.

- Okay, so?

I'm seven. He's, like, twice my age.

- I mean, I guess, but still...

- Okay, Cody, shut up. You like older guys, too.

Who do you think that was with him?

Do you think that was his girlfriend?

She's busted, right?

I mean, could you believe what she was wearing? It was like...

- Dude, what? No. That's his mom,

who he lives with, 'cause he's 14.

- Do you think it'd be, like, really weird

if you set us up or whatever?

- Yes. It would be insanely weird.

Like, what's wrong with you?

- I'm a sex doll, okay?

I'm sorry that, like, my very nature

is just completely offensive to you.

- Okay, that's obviously not what I meant.

- Forget I even ever brought it up.

It's like, I'm always there for you.

You're literally never there for me.

- Wow. A hard right.

When have I not been there for you?

- Um, how about, like, ten minutes ago?

The whole thing with my cousin Shayna.

The second I start opening up to you about something,

you just shut me down.

And things are really strained with me and Shayna right now.

No, and, like... - Okay, Barbara, you can't just like...

- Oh, my God, you're doing it again!

- Barbara, this is insane.

And I know that you have, like, some weird hold over me,

where I do all this inappropriate shit for you,

but I am not asking my 14-year-old neighbor

to fuck my boyfriend's used sex doll.

So, um, just in here.

Thanks a lot for helping me out with this, Jaxon.

- Sure, it's no problem.

So, um, what do you need moved?

- Um... this couch.

Yeah. It's, uh...

it's in the wrong place, according to feng shui,

so that's...

you know, maybe that's why my life is so messed up, right?

- Yeah, um, where do you want it to go?

- Um, here.

Just, like, this-this side... here, kind of.

So, you're in, um, what, you're in, like, ninth grade?

- Eighth.

- Eighth grade.

Great. Cool.

So, that's, like, the grade where you get a...

girlfriend or...?

- No, not really. - No?

- Hey, is this gonna be weird?

Um, 'cause the couch is in front of the fireplace now.

- Oh, huh, I'll just, um...

I just won't use the fireplace anymore.

BARBARA: Yo, where are those nuts at?!

- Um...

Actually, I have a...

another thing that needs to be moved, and, uh,

that thing is in... in my bedroom, so...

This way.

[pop music playing quietly]

Oh, my gosh.

I forgot I left out my friend. [chuckles]

Have you seen one of these before? BARBARA: Hey.

CODY: They're very cool.

They're basically, like, a doll you have sex with,

which is cool.

BARBARA: Okay, he gets it, Cody. - Oh, okay.

- Show him the lube. - [whispering]: I'm not gonna show him the lube.

This is crazy.

- So, um, what do you need moved in here?

- Um, so this is... um,

this is my bottle of lubricant.

BARBARA: Tell him that it's lavender hibiscus.

- This smells really good. BARBARA: Cody!

Get out of here. You're weirding him out. JAXON: Uh, you know what?

I actually have piano, so I-I got, I got to go.

- No! No, Cody, don't let him go!

Don't let him go!

Tell him about my new vagina!

- Jaxon, can't you just-- Jaxon.

Will you... will you please just fuck my sex doll?!

What did you think was gonna happen?

He's a kid. He probably doesn't even have pubes.

- You're saying he's out of my league?

- No! What are you... [shudders]

I-- Barbara, I'm sorry. I tried.

You saw. I tried, okay?

- It's fine.

It's not your fault.

I'm old.

I'm outdated. - Barb...

Barbara, stop. [scoffs]

You want to talk about old and outdated?

Like, past her prime? Like, look at me.

- Cody, you realize

I say all that mean shit to you because...

[sighs] I'm jealous.

- What are you talking about? - You're so hot.

- Shut up. No, I'm not. - You are.

You are. You're, like, effortlessly hot. - Shut up.

- And, like, your tits are amazing.

- Are you serious? - Yes!

- My tits are like, eh-- like, who cares?

Like, they're nothing to write home about.

- They are so gorgeous. - I'm serious.

- No, they're amazing. - They're not. Feel.

- Yes. - No, I'm being serious. Feel.

Feel. - Ah.

Dude, they're literally perfect.

- Um, yours are perfect. - Mine?

I hate my boobs.

They're, like, cold and hard and, like, fake.

- No. Uh, shut up.

- They are. Feel.

[soft pop song playing]

- [quietly]: Whatever. They're so nice.

- Thanks. I mean, yours are amazing. [chuckles]

- ♪ I am ready, I am fine. ♪

♪