Original subtitles

GUNMAN: Open the fucking register now!

Everybody get your hands up.

Come on, get over here, I want everybody to line up over here.

- Oh, my God, oh, my God, Barbara, do you think he saw us?

- Fuck, I don't think so.

I don't know. CODY: I don't want to die, man,

not like this.

I don't even have a Wikipedia page.

GUNMAN: Ma'am.

- Oh, shit, he saw you.

- What? No, he said "ma'am."

BARBARA: Yeah, that's you.

- What? I'm not a ma'am.

- Yeah, you are, you're totally a ma'am.

- No, I'm not. BARBARA: Yes, you are.

You've been a ma'am for a long time. GUNMAN: Ma'am!

Ma'am!

Why don't you go smoke some more crack, huh?

- You got any? - What?!

- See, he was talking to the crack whore, I told you.

- Okay, I don't care. Listen to me, I have a plan.

You see those Jesus candles?

You're gonna take two of them,

then you're gonna somersault

quietly behind the candy aisle.

From my calculations, you'll have a perfect vantage point.

- What the fuck are you talking about?

- Come on, Cody, you can take him.

- No, I can't. BARBARA: Yes, you can.

You're bigger than him. - Fuck you.

- You are-- you're like twice his size.

- I want everybody to take their cell phones out and their wallets.

But don't touch your own wallet!

Take the wallet out of the person to your right.

There's only four phones here,

and there's five of you. - Fuck this.

I'm calling the cops. - You're such a pussy.

[gunman shouting indistinctly]

What are you doing?

- Nothing. Nothing, nothing.

[Barbara gasps]

Are you fucking texting Dan right now?

- No, okay, just...

I texted him "I love you" two hours ago,

and he just texted back "k, you, too," all lowercase.

Like, what the fuck is that?

- I seriously cannot believe you.

Don't you get that this is like a fucking parable

for the world right now?

Toxic masculinity as represented, quite literally,

by a dude with a gu...

Well, don't write that.

- Why?

- "Are we okay?" CODY: What, what?

- If you have to write to your boyfriend "Are we okay?"

you're definitely not okay.

- Do you think he's cheating on me?

- Honestly?

GUNMAN: Ma'am. - Yeah.

- Don't say that.

You're gonna give me a fucking heart attack.

- Ma'am! - [gasps] Fuck, oh, my God.

Please don't kill me, Jesus Christ,

please, please, please don't kill me, oh, my God.

- See, you're totally a ma'am, I was right.

[laughs] - Shut up.

- What? - No, not-- nothing, not you.

- Slide your phone over here.

- Okay, okay, okay, just, um...

I'm so sorry, can I just send one text?

It'll be so fast.

- No! What the fuck?!

- Okay, okay, all right, okay!

All-all right! - God, you idiot!

[quiet music playing]

- Is that a fucking sex doll?

- Yeah.

- The fuck is around its neck?

- Her vagina? BARBARA: Sir,

I'm fully cooperating, and if you have to kill her,

I completely understand,

and if you have to rape me, I'm down,

but, like, please don't kill me.

- Why the fuck is it wearing a vagina around its neck?

- Well, it's her, it's her old vagina, it's...

'Cause, you know, she wa--

she used to be my boyfriend's sex doll

and now, you know, she's just my friend

and she's my writing partner.

She's kind of a, kind of a handful, actually.

When she was my boyfriend's sex doll,

he didn't, he didn't take very good care of her, so, like,

hygiene-wise, her pussy got kind of crusty.

You know, when I say that,

it, like, it-it sounds like I'm saying, like, he's a pervert.

He's, like, a super sweet guy, great boyfriend.

He's actually, like, a really successful TV writer.

He just has kinks, you know.

He's into foot stuff, he's into pantyhose,

and, you know, like, for a while he just had, um,

like, a mannequin leg, and he would put pantyhose on it

and he would just, like, rub it on his nipples,

but then the dog chewed up the pantyhose leg,

so then he got the sex doll.

It's kind of the... GUNMAN: Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Is your... is your boyfriend Dan Harmon?

- Yeah.

- Oh, my God.

This is crazy.

I am a huge fan.

- Wait, what? GUNMAN: Yeah.

- I fucked him every week.

- Uh... CODY: Oh, my God!

- Rick and Morty is my favorite TV show of all time.

- That is insane.

- I-- this is crazy. I'm, like, a total Harmenian,

and, you know, I, I listen to his podcast every week.

- Right. GUNMAN: And, as you know, you know,

he really kind of, like, puts himself out there,

so when you said "sex doll,"

I was like, "Could it be?"

And then you were like, "writer."

And then you said... - "Foot fetish."

- "...foot fetish"! And I was like,

"Uh, could it be? Yes, it is!"

And now it is!

- Dude, I'm, like, freaking out right now.

This is fucking crazy. GUNMAN: So am I.

Wow, what a small world. What are the chances

that, like, you and I would run into each other like this?

- Very slim. - Barbara.

- I mean, it's-it's like a Rick and Morty episode,

but, like, everything I would be saying would be

so much smarter because the writing on that show was...

[gunshot]

[both screaming]

CODY: Oh, my God!

Holy shit! [Barbara screams]

- [panting]

[engine starts]

[Barbara sighs]

- That was so fucked up.

- [exhales]: What?

- Oh, my God, I'm, like, still shaking.

- Like, me, too, I'm also shaking.

Like, I'm not actually physically shaking,

but I'm also experiencing the trauma in a very real way.

- That was fucking crazy!

What the fuck just happened to us?!

- That was crazy!

Like, who thought that fucking crack whore

would save the day like that?

- Oh, my God, I know.

You know...

we probably shouldn't call her that anymore.

- I hundred percent agree.

Well, can you believe that...

crack sex worker saved the fucking day like that?

- Totally.

Oh, my God, he broke my phone.

I mean, mostly it is very, very sad

that a, like, a human life was taken, obviously,

and, like, I feel terrible for, like, the family

of that dead robber.

- Dude, I feel terrible, too.

Like, to echo that, I'm devastated.

- I mean, the whole thing's like a fucking tragedy.

BARBARA: It's a tra-- it's... that's a perfect word.

Yeah, it's like a true American tragedy.

But...

you know, it is kind of one of those tragedies that...

would make an amazing story, right?

- Like, a really good story.

- Like, it'd be almost more of a tragedy

if we didn't tell that story, right?

- Like maybe in a spec script about a girl and her sex doll?

- Oh, my God, I was having the same idea!

- No. - Yes, but I didn't want to tell you

'cause I was like, "She's gonna think I'm a monster."

- Wait, really? - Hundred percent.

- No. Oh, my God, that's hilarious.

Oh, my God, I'm starving.

Feel like I burned, like, a million calories

just from having my heart rate so elevated.

- I know, I'm so hungry.

[sighs] I would so join you, but...

- You're a sex doll so you can't eat? - I'm keeping this shit tight.

- All right.

Bitch, you are covered in blood.

BARBARA: You're covered in blood.

CODY: You look psychotic.

BARBARA: You look like you're in the movie Carrie.

CODY: No, I look dope.

♪ 'Cause they mean me and you. ♪