Original subtitles

So Dan's sex doll's been living with me. Um...

After he threw her away last week, I-I went and I got her

and I took her home, so she's living with me.

And, um, she talks to me.

- You hear the voice in your head

when you're looking at the doll or is the doll...?

- The sound comes from her, um, head.

From her face. You know.

Like, she can move her face.

Like, she... opens her mouth and stuff

and she can, like, move her eyes

and make expressions and stuff.

But she can't move her, uh, head.

Like the-the head part of her head. You know.

- The skull? - The skull.

The-- Well, the cranium or whatever.

It's, like, kind of frustrating,

'cause I have to do everything for her.

- What kind of stuff do you have to do for her?

- Um, she made me buy her one of those T-shirts

that says "The Future is Female."

- [laughs softly] - And she wants a new vagina.

She wants, like, a Cherry Blossom 7 series?

You know these...

Well, they're expensive,

and I told her I couldn't afford it, and she was like,

"Well, you're a fucking dick."

[laughs]: So...

- You know, we see this a lot in children.

The invention of an imaginary friend?

It's a very common coping mechanism.

- Right. Like Drop Dead Fred. - I haven't seen that one.

- Well, eh, it's just okay. I mean...

I kind of kept hoping that they would hook up.

- Anyway, imaginary friends usually pop up

during a time of transition, a time of growth.

- Oh, no. They kissed, I think.

I can't remember. - It's less common in adults,

sure, but I think this...

Does she have a name?

- Barbara.

- I think this Barbara

represents a part of you that really wants to help heal you.

- Really? - Yes.

So, as long as she's not suggesting

you cause physical harm to yourself or others,

I say embrace her.

BARBARA: I've been doing some thinking.

We should kill Dan. - What?

[dramatic organ music plays]

We're not, we're not talking about this.

We're not doing that. - Cody.

Dan stole the best years of my life,

and he literally threw me out like I was fucking garbage.

He ravaged my vagina like all men do.

- Okay, we're not killing Dan. - Why?

- And I'm sorry that he, like, ravaged your pussy...

- Thank you. - ...but here's the thing, babe.

You can't say stuff like that.

- Why not? - 'Cause my therapist told me

that if you did, I had to get rid of you.

- Well, you can tell your therapist to go fucking shove

up a-- I love her.

Because I was joking.

- I know you're just saying that so that I won't get rid of you.

You're me. I know.

And, like... this week has been fun or whatever,

but, like, I mean, you're really mean to me all the time,

and we haven't actually done any work on the tooth fairy pilot.

- Cody, I have to be totally honest with you.

[whispers]: Like... your pilot's a piece of shit.

- What are you-- what are you talking about?

In the dumpster the other night, you were, like, excited.

You were pitching me all this stuff.

- We put lipstick on a pig.

Like, it's really bad, honey.

If it was on TV, I'd literally rather kill myself.

- Okay, well, I have to write a pilot.

I have to write something.

My agent told me that it... [chuckles]

doesn't have to be anything. - [gasps] Us.

- What-- Us what? - The pilot's us.

A quirky, fun-loving sex doll and her chunky human friend

taking on the world together.

I mean, it's, like, aspirational.

- Okay, I just want to go back, 'cause when you say chunky,

you say it as though, like, it's obvious.

- Dude. It's, like, female empowerment.

I mean, it's literally got everything.

It could be, like, a feminist masterpiece

or some shit. - Like, but how's it feminist?

- What do you mean? All of it.

Just, it's there. You know?

- I don't know, it's kind of like a broad concept

to, like, try and say something super important.

- Oh, my God, you are being so stupid.

Trust me, it's such a good idea, I swear. [phone vibrates]

- Okay. Oh, shit, I got to go.

- What?

Is it Dan? - No.

- Ugh, you're leaving me for Dan's?

Why? We just started riffing.

Cody. Cody, if you leave right now,

I am not helping you with your pilot.

And it's basically already written in my head. Ha, ha, ha!

I'm laughing at a joke on page nine right now! [chuckles]

[dramatic music playing over TV]

WOMAN [on TV]: He just told me, "Stay away.

I've smelled this smell before."

I said, "What are you talking about?"

And he goes, "It smells like somebody's dead."

- What's up? - Oh, uh, nothing,

I thought I-- never mind.

- Hmm? - Are you okay?

I'm great.

Just collecting alloys. - Yeah.

- You okay?

- Yeah. I'm okay.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Um...

Okay, so...

Wh...

What if...

after you threw out

the sex doll, um...

what if I went into the garbage and I took her out

and I took her home with me

and we became roommates and...

she was, like, talking to me?

- That's fucking brilliant!

- Um...

- That's your new pilot?

Oh, my God, and you were scared

I'd be mad because it's about us?

- I guess I was, yeah.

- Baby, this is so much fucking better than that tooth fairy thing.

This is insane. It's, like, a modern feminist Mister Ed.

- Totally. Yeah.

Barbara, I missed you while I was gone

and I was thinking about that idea that we...

No, I haven't talked to Dan about it.

[laughs]: Like, why would I even bring it up to him?

It's...

Are we, like, in a fight? Come on. Like, we're adults.

We're not gonna...

Barbara, that outfit is dope!

[quietly]: Fuck.

[exhales]

["If You Were Here" by Thompson Twins plays]

♪

[tires screeching]

Barbara... you're right.

I didn't trust you because I didn't trust myself.

♪ If you were here ♪

♪ I could deceive you ♪

But now that you're in my life...

♪ And if you were here ♪

♪ You would believe... ♪

...something's been changing inside me.

♪ But would you suspect ♪

♪ My emotion... ♪

I've been thinking about what it means to be a woman in this world,

and I don't want to do it like that anymore.

♪ A part of this anymore... ♪

The time has come for us to lift each other up.

And heal each other.

It's time for a new beginning.

♪ If you were here ♪

♪ I could deceive you ♪

♪ And if you were here... ♪