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NARRATOR [on TV]:
...longtime friend, Patty Palm,
22-year-old...
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Diana is missing.
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[phone vibrating]
4
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WOMAN [on TV]:
She was supposed to go to our house
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on Tuesday morning to help my
son with the air conditioner,
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and she didn't show up.
- Hello?
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FEMALE ASSISTANT:
Hi, Cody,
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I have Phil Goldman for you.
- Who?
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00:00:18,936 --> 00:00:22,648
- Phil Goldman, bitch!
What's up? I'm your new agent.
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00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:25,192
Hey! I'm sorry.
I don't know if you've heard,
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but Jason Levy
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00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:29,738
was recently #MeToo'd, so
he's no longer with the company.
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00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:32,699
- Oh. Oh, my God.
- Yeah, so it's me and you.
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I'm your agent, you're my client.
What's up?
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- Okay, that's a little weird
'cause I never even met Jason,
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so... [chuckles]
- No, I know.
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Nobody's really met him.
Who cares?
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Yeah, anyway, listen, sorry it's so late.
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I've taken over his whole
roster, so I'm making my way
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through the list,
and you're the last one on it.
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- Oh, okay.
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- Yeah, uh, I'm sure it's alphabetical.
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Yeah, or-or by talent.
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[laughs] I'm kidding.
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Who knows? Anyway...
- Okay.
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- Listen, we got a lot of shows
staffing right now,
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and they're looking
for lady writers, yeah.
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00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:05,607
The problem is I don't have
a current sample from you,
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so if you could shoot something
over to me ASAP Rocky,
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that'd be great.
- Um... yeah.
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Um, I'm just working on this,
uh, thing about the tooth fairy.
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- Oh, the tooth fairy!
- Yeah...
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- I fucking love that shit.
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- Like, she's the tooth fairy,
but then she's also a stripper
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because, you know, like,
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dollar bills. [chuckles]
- Yeah!
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Yeah, dollar bills,
I fucking love that shit.
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I love that. It's so good.
That's such originality. I mean,
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it's probably 'cause you're
Dan Harmon's girlfriend.
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That guy's such a fucking genius.
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- Yeah, he-he's super great.
- Yeah, he's super great.
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Listen, if he's ever unhappy
with his current representation,
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it would be my honor-- honor--
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to take him on as a client,
you know what I mean?
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- I will definitely let him know.
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- Uh, yeah, please, let him know. Oh.
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[line beeping]
Fuck me in the dickhole.
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I got to take this right away, okay?
It's Jason Levy.
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We're still kind of friends,
and I don't know,
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I think he might hurt himself tonight,
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if you know what I mean, kill himself.
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I think he might commit suicide.
I'm gonna take this.
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Just send me some of your writing shit,
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and then I'm gonna check it out,
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and, uh, we'll go from there,
all right, babe?
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Buh-bye!
- Okay, bye.
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♪
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BARBARA:
Cody!
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What you doing up there?
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Are you working on your pilot?
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So exciting!
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Is it the one about the stripper
who's also the tooth fairy?
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That's such a fun idea.
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It's so broad, but, like, honestly,
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Middle America loves
shitty broad stuff, but, like,
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I love it.
- [clears throat]
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- Are you stuck?
Maybe I can help.
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- Hey. I don't want your help.
You're a fucking dick.
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- Is this about the whole
"trying to sabotage
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your relationship with Dan" thing?
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Because, Cody, I'm so sorry.
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That was my bad.
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I had so much internalized misogyny.
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- Are you kidding?
You're obviously just trying
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to get me to take you
out of the dumpster.
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- What? No. No, seriously,
I love it down here.
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I really do.
- Really?
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- Yeah. Cody, actually,
I met someone.
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His name's Harold.
He's a piece of wood.
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What, babe?
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[gasps] Okay, yeah,
he wants me to tell you
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he identifies as lumber.
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He's so hot, Cody.
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He has this, like, knot
that's-that's so sexy in, like,
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a Joaquin Phoenix sort of like...
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- Barbara.
- What?
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- I'm so happy for both of you.
Congratulations.
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I have to work.
- Wait!
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I know why you're stuck!
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It's because you have
a passive protagonist.
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You know what I would do?
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Okay, so hear me out,
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we start with, like,
a cross-cutty montage,
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the music kicks in, we're seeing stuff,
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images, but none of it really
matters, because guess what?
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Boom! We're in.
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We're fucking watching this show.
- [chuckles] Yeah.
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BARBARA:
Intense close-ups,
99
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just, like, for no reason,
but you're just watching it,
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and you're in it.
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- What if the guy has
that disease where, like...
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- Overlapping dialogue. They're
just talking over each other.
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- She's not passive, she's reactive.
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BARBARA:
Making the audience think
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something is happening, but really,
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nothing is happening,
but everything is happening.
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- "You know I only take
baby teeth," but he's like,
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"These are baby teeth,"
you know, so it's like,
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00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:25,557
he has the disease,
but it's also a metaphor
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for his immaturity kind of, you know?
111
00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:30,270
I mean, if you think
that's dumb, or, like,
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if it feels forced...
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Barbara?
- BARBARA: Cody!
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["Headbanger"
by King Tuff playing]
115
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- Barbara!
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♪
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- [snoring]
- Dan.
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Um...
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I think I'm getting a UTI
and I just feel gross,
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so I'm just gonna sleep
at my house. I love you. Bye.
121
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♪
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00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:03,804
BARBARA:
Cody!
123
00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:07,599
- Barbara!
- Cody...!
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- Stop!
125
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:12,563
I'm sorry. Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop. Oh, my gosh.
126
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:15,232
There's-there's been a mistake.
I didn't mean to throw her away.
127
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,442
- Oh, my God, Cody,
he was totally gonna rape me.
- What's up?
128
00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:19,862
- [out of breath]:
This sex doll, she's-she's mine.
129
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She got thrown away accidentally.
130
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I just, I just need her back.
131
00:05:22,948 --> 00:05:24,324
- Why are you so out of breath?
132
00:05:24,408 --> 00:05:26,243
- How do you accidentally
throw away a sex doll?
133
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:29,371
- It-it was a mistake, sir.
People make mistakes, okay?
134
00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:32,291
You were the one about to fuck
a used sex doll. Are you okay?
135
00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:35,252
- Excuse me?
I was gonna recycle her.
136
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I'm not some pervert.
137
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:39,965
- Okay, okay, well, I mean,
138
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:42,134
I-I don't think we necessarily
need to, like, cast judgments
139
00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:43,635
on other people's sexuality, like...
140
00:05:43,719 --> 00:05:45,179
BARBARA:
Okay, Cody, you're making it worse.
141
00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:47,222
- Can I just, um,
give you some cash for her?
142
00:05:47,306 --> 00:05:49,183
- I don't do this work for the money.
143
00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:52,102
I do it because I give a fuck
about the environment, man.
144
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:54,813
BARBARA [laughs]: Yeah, right.
- Oh, um, I'm sorry.
145
00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:56,481
That's fair.
- Do you know how many dolphins
146
00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:59,985
die each year from choking
on used sex dolls?
147
00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,320
- No.
148
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,030
- Me, neither.
It's gonna be zero if I have
149
00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:04,907
anything to say about it.
BARBARA: No, no, no, no!
150
00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:06,825
Don't let him take me!
- Okay, sir. No, hey, hey. I...
151
00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:08,327
Please, I appreciate your position,
152
00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:11,121
and I think what you're doing
is very noble, and, you know,
153
00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:12,873
it's like a service to the community.
154
00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:13,957
- Who cares?
155
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,459
- Barbara, can you let me handle this?
156
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,044
I really need her back.
157
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:20,214
She's my writing partner.
158
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:22,925
["Prank Calls"
by Kelley Stoltz playing]
159
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,724
- What even are all these water bottles?
160
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,809
- I don't know, man,
they're just, like, accumulated
161
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,811
from-from hikes and stuff.
- [scoffs]
162
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,022
From hikes? You don't hike.
163
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:38,565
GENE:
Oh, this is plenty.
164
00:06:38,649 --> 00:06:40,067
Here.
165
00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:44,363
- Thank you.
- Bye.
166
00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:45,989
Have such a great night,
167
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,408
and thank you so much
for not raping me.
168
00:06:48,492 --> 00:06:51,578
Cody, thank you for saving me.
169
00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:53,830
You're truly such a great friend.
170
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:57,084
Okay, but just so we're clear,
we're just writing,
171
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,628
that's the whole thing.
- Yeah, no, totally. 100%.
172
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:02,506
But, like, we're not starting now, right?
173
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,800
Like, I don't know if you
noticed, I just went through
174
00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:06,343
a very traumatic experience,
175
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,220
and, like, I need a second
to decompress.
176
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:10,097
- Okay. That's fine.
177
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:12,558
- So where are we going?
Are we gonna go stay at your place?
178
00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:14,184
♪ Oh, no, no, no... ♪
179
00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:16,603
- Yeah, I guess, I mean,
I can't take you back in there.
180
00:07:16,687 --> 00:07:18,063
- Oh, yeah.
181
00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:21,692
Fuck Dan. He can eat my ass,
not in a hot way-- I hate him.
182
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,777
- Okay.
183
00:07:23,861 --> 00:07:25,237
Let's go.
- Hey, so I told Harold
184
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,531
he could crash with us for a few
nights. I hope that's okay.
185
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,783
He's fighting with him mom.
He just needs a place to go
186
00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,451
where he can, like, get his shit together
187
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:34,371
and get through this family stuff.
188
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:38,000
♪ Some old lover who ♪
189
00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:39,918
♪ Ain't getting none... ♪
190
00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:42,629
[snoring]
191
00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:45,924
♪ Some old lover who ♪
192
00:07:46,008 --> 00:07:48,135
♪ Ain't getting none. ♪
14754
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