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1
00:00:05,196 --> 00:00:07,097
Good evening,
I'm MayKay Bueller.
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00:00:07,198 --> 00:00:08,532
Our top story tonight...
3
00:00:08,533 --> 00:00:10,233
the rumors are true.
4
00:00:10,235 --> 00:00:12,836
We might be getting a white
Christmas this year, y'all!
5
00:00:12,937 --> 00:00:14,638
Ooh-wee!
6
00:00:14,739 --> 00:00:17,975
TV 12's Big Weathers
has the details. Uh, Big?
7
00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,843
That's right, MayKay,
there might be
8
00:00:19,944 --> 00:00:23,247
the possibility of a winter storm
any time in the next 12
9
00:00:23,348 --> 00:00:27,017
to 78 hours...
or minutes
10
00:00:27,018 --> 00:00:28,886
with estimates of precipitation
ranging anywhere
11
00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:31,789
from zero to 26 inches.
12
00:00:31,890 --> 00:00:35,759
with the chance of that being
not very to... very likely.
13
00:00:35,860 --> 00:00:38,128
Keep us posted, Big,
because as you know,
14
00:00:38,229 --> 00:00:40,330
as much as we southerners
love snow,
15
00:00:40,432 --> 00:00:42,499
we are not used to it.
16
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,735
Can you give us some pointers, Big?
17
00:00:44,836 --> 00:00:47,304
First things first, you need supplies.
18
00:00:47,405 --> 00:00:51,041
So get to the grocery store
immediately to buy bread and milk.
19
00:00:51,142 --> 00:00:54,411
Otherwise you'll freeze
to death and starve, Big.
20
00:00:54,512 --> 00:00:58,048
Next, be on the lookout
for signs of frostbite...
21
00:00:58,149 --> 00:00:59,416
Ooh-wee...
22
00:00:59,417 --> 00:01:01,385
...whiteouts, and when driving,
23
00:01:01,486 --> 00:01:05,889
- always assume you're on black ice.
- The silent killer, Big.
24
00:01:05,890 --> 00:01:08,859
Ooh-wee-wah-wah-woo-woo!
25
00:01:35,431 --> 00:01:38,619
www.facebook.com/gatonplay
26
00:01:43,735 --> 00:01:46,470
Aw, remember this one?
27
00:01:46,571 --> 00:01:48,105
I never knew Santa
had so many hobbies.
28
00:01:48,106 --> 00:01:49,740
Surfing, fishing...
how does he find time
29
00:01:49,741 --> 00:01:52,676
- to do all this stuff?
- I'll tell you how.
30
00:01:52,677 --> 00:01:54,712
Slave labor...
that motorcycle right there?
31
00:01:54,813 --> 00:01:57,507
Built with the tears
of indentured elves.
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00:01:57,542 --> 00:01:59,016
Okay!
Everyone get ready.
33
00:01:59,017 --> 00:02:00,651
Here come the lights.
34
00:02:02,187 --> 00:02:05,456
You call that a tree?
Charlie Brown bullcrap.
35
00:02:05,557 --> 00:02:08,225
Mother... go outside.
36
00:02:11,292 --> 00:02:13,764
What are you doing,
obsessing over some Christmas
37
00:02:13,799 --> 00:02:14,890
that we can't have?
38
00:02:14,925 --> 00:02:16,330
I don't want you
making Violet feel bad
39
00:02:16,331 --> 00:02:18,031
about the Christmas we do have.
40
00:02:18,032 --> 00:02:19,900
Well, you can try
and wrap your hugs
41
00:02:20,001 --> 00:02:21,701
and put 'em under the tree
or some crap,
42
00:02:21,770 --> 00:02:25,005
but, Jenny, we both know that
little girl isn't gonna love you
43
00:02:25,106 --> 00:02:28,976
properly unless you bust her
stocking with some fancy gifts.
44
00:02:29,077 --> 00:02:30,711
Well, Louise has been hinting
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00:02:30,712 --> 00:02:32,346
that she's gonna give us
Christmas bonuses.
46
00:02:32,347 --> 00:02:34,348
Okay, well, don't you worry.
47
00:02:34,449 --> 00:02:36,817
Santa Betty's gonna
provide this year.
48
00:02:36,918 --> 00:02:40,154
- Look what I got in the mail.
- Oh, Lord, what's that?
49
00:02:40,155 --> 00:02:43,624
It's my bladder mesh settlement
check! Christmas is on me!
50
00:02:43,725 --> 00:02:45,759
Get ready for the most luxury gifts.
51
00:02:45,860 --> 00:02:49,797
Brookstone's, Belk's,
Ferrero Rocher's chocolate balls!
52
00:02:49,898 --> 00:02:53,700
Just like when my mesh broke,
I am gonna make it rain.
53
00:02:55,904 --> 00:02:59,873
Look again. There might be
2,000 more checks in there.
54
00:03:03,464 --> 00:03:05,319
♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
55
00:03:05,354 --> 00:03:08,718
♪ Doo-doo-doo,
I have a surprise. ♪
56
00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:11,071
Thank you, Louise.
Oh, I need this so bad.
57
00:03:11,072 --> 00:03:13,740
What?!
Where the hell is the bonus?
58
00:03:13,775 --> 00:03:15,842
"You are cordially invited to
Daniel and Louise Culp's
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00:03:15,944 --> 00:03:18,578
"annual Christmas Extravaganza, colon,
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00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:20,080
"a Festival of Joy, Lights,
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00:03:20,081 --> 00:03:22,082
"Merriment and Fellowship,
and Good Tidings.
62
00:03:22,183 --> 00:03:24,751
"Have You Been Good,
question mark.
63
00:03:24,852 --> 00:03:27,854
Santa's Coming Party,
exclamation point"?
64
00:03:27,956 --> 00:03:30,123
Why is Daniel's head so big?
65
00:03:30,224 --> 00:03:32,926
Oh, Daniel couldn't make
the photo shoot because he had
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00:03:33,027 --> 00:03:36,964
a businessman meeting,
so I computer-shopped him in.
67
00:03:37,065 --> 00:03:39,599
Well, Louise, the Hart Family
has a pretty big blowout
68
00:03:39,701 --> 00:03:42,736
- of our own planned.
- I cordially say, "Hell no."
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00:03:42,737 --> 00:03:45,772
It's mandatory.
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. ♪
70
00:03:50,645 --> 00:03:53,580
Happy almost birthday!
Hey, how old are you?
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00:03:53,581 --> 00:03:55,415
Little hack for that...
just think what year it is,
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00:03:55,516 --> 00:03:56,984
and that's how old I am.
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00:03:56,985 --> 00:03:59,999
- Do you have any big plans?
- Well, I was hoping to just do,
74
00:04:00,034 --> 00:04:02,756
you know, a simple Christmas
at home with my family,
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00:04:02,757 --> 00:04:05,433
but Louise is making us
go to her big,
76
00:04:05,468 --> 00:04:07,461
fancy-butt,
richie-rich Christmas party.
77
00:04:07,562 --> 00:04:09,162
Sounds like you've already
got something in your
78
00:04:09,163 --> 00:04:11,698
Christmas stocking...
a lump of jealousy.
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00:04:11,799 --> 00:04:13,533
What? I'm not jealous!
80
00:04:13,634 --> 00:04:15,936
It's just that Louise's
Christmas is gonna be
81
00:04:16,037 --> 00:04:19,006
so show-off amazing,
it's gonna make our dumb,
82
00:04:19,007 --> 00:04:21,975
little Christmas look like
a cold turd on a paper plate.
83
00:04:21,976 --> 00:04:23,977
Well, okay, maybe I am
a little jealous.
84
00:04:24,078 --> 00:04:26,346
Feelings of jealousy
are completely normal.
85
00:04:26,447 --> 00:04:28,147
But don't let it
ruin your Christmas.
86
00:04:28,182 --> 00:04:30,818
- I get jealous, too, you know.
- You do?
87
00:04:30,853 --> 00:04:32,552
Who could you
possibly be jealous of?
88
00:04:32,653 --> 00:04:34,521
W-W-Wait, let me think,
let me think.
89
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:37,090
- Criss Angel?
- Did you say Criss Angel?
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00:04:37,091 --> 00:04:40,093
No. I'm talking about Santa.
91
00:04:40,094 --> 00:04:41,962
Swooping in on my birthday,
92
00:04:42,063 --> 00:04:45,032
handing out gifts
like some cool weekend dad.
93
00:04:45,133 --> 00:04:47,200
Wait, should I be jealous
of Criss Angel?
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00:04:47,301 --> 00:04:49,202
No, I mean, I mean,
I don't think so.
95
00:04:49,303 --> 00:04:52,105
That should have been a way
more definitive answer, Jenny.
96
00:04:52,206 --> 00:04:53,906
That's not even
his real name, you know?
97
00:04:53,975 --> 00:04:55,442
It's Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos.
98
00:04:55,443 --> 00:04:57,310
Say that when
your plane's going down!
99
00:04:59,157 --> 00:05:01,758
Hmm, come on!
I need a Christmas miracle.
100
00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:03,961
Think, Betty, think.
101
00:05:04,062 --> 00:05:06,430
Scratchers, returns, Kohl's Cash?
102
00:05:06,531 --> 00:05:08,231
No, got to think outside the box.
103
00:05:08,299 --> 00:05:11,835
Biology... selling blood,
stealing kidneys?
104
00:05:11,936 --> 00:05:13,704
Sleight of hand?
Fake my own death?
105
00:05:13,805 --> 00:05:17,040
Social Security fraud?
Selling secrets, treason?
106
00:05:17,141 --> 00:05:18,775
Gram? Gram!
107
00:05:18,776 --> 00:05:21,878
Are you okay? You were mumbling
"treason" to yourself again.
108
00:05:21,879 --> 00:05:22,879
No, I am not okay!
109
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,682
I can't do another discount
Dollar Tree Christmas!
110
00:05:25,783 --> 00:05:27,084
Well, suck it up, Mother.
111
00:05:27,085 --> 00:05:30,037
Our Christmas is gonna
be great as soon as we get
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00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,990
back from pretending to enjoy
Louise's Christmas party.
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00:05:33,091 --> 00:05:34,658
Is this gonna be a Sunday School
114
00:05:34,659 --> 00:05:36,226
"cookies and Kool-Aid" type of deal?
115
00:05:36,227 --> 00:05:39,963
- Should I bring my own beers?
- No, there's an open bar.
116
00:05:40,064 --> 00:05:42,332
It's gonna be
a richie-rich nightmare.
117
00:05:45,336 --> 00:05:47,904
To see how people are
preparing for the storm,
118
00:05:48,006 --> 00:05:50,507
let's join MayKay
at Harris Teeter.
119
00:05:50,608 --> 00:05:54,945
Big, shelves have been picked bare,
as people stock up on essentials.
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00:05:55,046 --> 00:05:56,546
The milk is completely gone,
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00:05:56,547 --> 00:05:58,715
even powdered and condensed.
122
00:05:58,816 --> 00:06:02,786
And in the bread aisle, all
that's left is the diabetes bread.
123
00:06:02,887 --> 00:06:04,955
My doctor's been telling me
to eat that for years,
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00:06:05,056 --> 00:06:08,058
but I would rather starve to death
under ten feet of ice, MayKay.
125
00:06:08,059 --> 00:06:10,160
Ooh-wee-wow!
126
00:06:10,261 --> 00:06:14,698
Thanks again
for coming to this stupid party.
127
00:06:14,799 --> 00:06:16,266
Let's just hope it isn't too lame.
128
00:06:16,267 --> 00:06:19,368
What?!
I bet you can see this from space.
129
00:06:19,404 --> 00:06:21,938
Dang, all that's
missing is the Polar Express.
130
00:06:23,141 --> 00:06:25,842
Nope.
They got that, too.
131
00:06:25,943 --> 00:06:28,278
That conductor's not
actually Tom Hanks, right?
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00:06:28,379 --> 00:06:32,849
Tom!
He looked over.
133
00:06:34,318 --> 00:06:37,954
Just leave the car up front.
We won't be staying long.
134
00:06:38,022 --> 00:06:40,891
I was told to park all vehicles
with truck nuts around back.
135
00:06:40,892 --> 00:06:43,093
- That's fair.
- Rude.
136
00:06:43,094 --> 00:06:45,629
Here he comes again... Tom!
137
00:06:45,730 --> 00:06:47,385
Ah, he's working.
138
00:06:53,771 --> 00:06:56,339
Now, this is
the Christmas we deserve!
139
00:06:56,441 --> 00:06:58,341
- Mother!
- Oh, my God.
140
00:06:58,443 --> 00:07:01,244
It's the biggest littlest town
I've ever seen!
141
00:07:01,345 --> 00:07:02,979
I've seen bigger... and littler.
142
00:07:02,980 --> 00:07:06,083
I mean, I guess it's cute
in a gross, show-offy kind of way.
143
00:07:06,184 --> 00:07:10,567
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
Welcome to the East Pole, y'all,
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00:07:10,602 --> 00:07:14,825
from me and my head elf Daniel.
Daniel, come say hi.
145
00:07:14,926 --> 00:07:17,861
Daniel, y'all, where is your elf hat?
146
00:07:17,962 --> 00:07:21,031
He has this elf hat I bought him
that he just loves.
147
00:07:21,132 --> 00:07:23,834
Baby, look, they have
teeny, tiny hamburgers.
148
00:07:23,935 --> 00:07:25,135
They made 'em elf-sized
for Christmas.
149
00:07:25,136 --> 00:07:26,837
I got you one already.
150
00:07:26,938 --> 00:07:28,472
I ate the pickles
'cause I know you hate 'em.
151
00:07:28,473 --> 00:07:30,006
Oh, you're so sweet.
152
00:07:30,007 --> 00:07:31,842
But, remember, we got
that cheeseball at home.
153
00:07:31,943 --> 00:07:36,146
Daniel, bring me some chips.
You know the kind I like.
154
00:07:38,049 --> 00:07:42,919
He's going to get the kind I like.
And guess what else.
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00:07:43,020 --> 00:07:46,957
We have a very special celebrity
guest coming tonight.
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00:07:47,058 --> 00:07:49,025
Ian David Cole.
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00:07:49,127 --> 00:07:50,927
Oh, I don't think we're gonna
be able to stay for...
158
00:07:51,028 --> 00:07:54,030
Greenpoint Community
Theater's own Ian David Cole?
159
00:07:54,132 --> 00:07:57,041
His bluegrass production of The
Elephant Man changed my life.
160
00:07:57,076 --> 00:07:59,035
Get ready to shake
his hand, Wayne.
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00:07:59,137 --> 00:08:01,972
After he does his annual recitation
162
00:08:02,073 --> 00:08:05,909
of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas."
163
00:08:06,010 --> 00:08:08,578
- Okay, Louise saw me. Let's get out of here.
- But Ian David Cole.
164
00:08:08,679 --> 00:08:10,881
A mini-town bigger
than our living room.
165
00:08:10,982 --> 00:08:13,450
- Free shrimp.
- And Ian David Cole.
166
00:08:13,551 --> 00:08:17,120
No. That delicious cheeseball
isn't gonna dip Triscuits into itself.
167
00:08:17,221 --> 00:08:19,923
Now let's go.
168
00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:38,875
- Snow!
- We need bread and milk!
169
00:08:38,976 --> 00:08:41,444
Why didn't we get
bread and milk yet?!
170
00:08:41,546 --> 00:08:43,947
- Look out for black ice.
- Steer into the skid!
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00:08:44,048 --> 00:08:46,116
Drive faster.
We got to beat the storm.
172
00:08:46,217 --> 00:08:47,918
No, you steer away from the skid.
173
00:08:48,019 --> 00:08:49,653
That's not what I was taught.
174
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,988
Dawn, you're going too fast.
175
00:08:52,089 --> 00:08:54,324
They changed it a few years ago.
176
00:08:54,425 --> 00:08:56,259
- No way.
- Hand to God.
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00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,060
My foot's on the brake!
178
00:09:06,103 --> 00:09:08,405
You're not going anywhere in this.
179
00:09:10,975 --> 00:09:13,955
Oh, my Lord. Tom Hanks, no!
180
00:09:18,507 --> 00:09:20,892
Well, it looks like
the dream of a white Christmas
181
00:09:20,993 --> 00:09:23,061
has turned into a nightmare.
182
00:09:23,162 --> 00:09:27,098
This is the scene right now
on Elmwood Avenue. MayKay?
183
00:09:27,199 --> 00:09:31,369
Thanks, Big. Well, we are
standing here with the Mayor Webb,
184
00:09:31,470 --> 00:09:33,905
who came down here
to survey the accident.
185
00:09:34,006 --> 00:09:35,907
You just speak
right into the top of this.
186
00:09:36,008 --> 00:09:38,142
Oh, I didn't come here
to survey it. I was in it.
187
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:41,478
- I was fully in the accident. I'm bleeding.
- You're fine.
188
00:09:41,547 --> 00:09:44,249
Now, Mayor, I'm told
there is a salt truck
189
00:09:44,350 --> 00:09:46,050
coming down from Kentucky?
190
00:09:46,118 --> 00:09:48,286
You just speak into
the business end right here.
191
00:09:48,387 --> 00:09:50,154
I tried to call a salt truck.
192
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,690
There was just a Hispanic
outgoing message,
193
00:09:52,791 --> 00:09:55,059
and it went straight to voice mail.
194
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,062
Did you try a different
salt truck company?
195
00:09:58,163 --> 00:10:00,932
You just talk right there.
This-this picks up the sound.
196
00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:03,768
No, MayKay, I don't know
other salt truck companies.
197
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:05,637
You think when you become
mayor, they just give you
198
00:10:05,738 --> 00:10:07,939
a magical list of all
the salt truck companies
199
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:09,540
in the world?
200
00:10:09,541 --> 00:10:12,510
I'm making snow devils, babies.
201
00:10:12,611 --> 00:10:15,213
- I'm pinned!
- Big?
202
00:10:17,182 --> 00:10:19,706
Oh, this is perfect.
We're snowed in!
203
00:10:19,741 --> 00:10:22,887
It's so perfect.
We're snowed in.
204
00:10:22,988 --> 00:10:26,758
Now, before you panic, we
do have both bread and milk.
205
00:10:26,859 --> 00:10:28,760
Isn't this romantic, y'all?
206
00:10:28,861 --> 00:10:32,363
Everyone, just grab your partner
and get Christmas cozy.
207
00:10:32,464 --> 00:10:34,966
I know I'm about to. Daniel?
208
00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:38,936
- Okay, I'll find him.
- Part of me feels sorry for her,
209
00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:41,539
but most of me just wants to
drink her out of house and home.
210
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,574
Good thing the human body's got
two livers,
211
00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:47,912
- and we only need one.
- Brenda, I told you that's kidneys.
212
00:10:48,013 --> 00:10:49,947
You sound like my professors
at nursing school.
213
00:10:50,049 --> 00:10:51,582
Hold on, do you have
a loose meatball
214
00:10:51,583 --> 00:10:53,283
rolling around
in your pocketbook?
215
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:57,655
Oh, I got a baker's dozen loose
meatballs in my pocketbook.
216
00:10:57,756 --> 00:10:59,490
You got your meats,
then you got your crudités,
217
00:10:59,591 --> 00:11:01,926
iced pocket for shrimps,
and the bottom is just a lake
218
00:11:02,027 --> 00:11:04,028
of various sauces and dips.
219
00:11:04,129 --> 00:11:06,197
I'm getting my bonus
one way or another.
220
00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:07,865
Well, look, if we're gonna be
stuck at this party,
221
00:11:07,866 --> 00:11:09,467
we might as well
make the best of it. Right?
222
00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:11,936
Pound some food, drink a ton,
and go anger-snooping.
223
00:11:12,037 --> 00:11:13,771
If we find some Louise dirt,
224
00:11:13,872 --> 00:11:16,674
- we'll feel so much better.
- You had me at anger-pooping.
225
00:11:16,675 --> 00:11:19,643
"Merry Christmas, Louise.
There's a doody in your dryer."
226
00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:23,054
- No, I said anger-snooping.
- I know.
227
00:11:23,089 --> 00:11:25,950
I was just
kidding about anger-pooping.
228
00:11:26,051 --> 00:11:28,286
I'm not an animal, Jenny.
229
00:11:30,255 --> 00:11:33,824
Bweep, bweep, bweep.
"Oh, no. Aliens."
230
00:11:33,826 --> 00:11:36,094
"I'm your tiny leader Frosty."
231
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:38,596
"Kill it before it kills us first."
232
00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:41,065
"Oh, God, it's shooting me
with a freeze ray.
233
00:11:41,166 --> 00:11:43,034
"Oh! Oh, all my limbs
are coming off!
234
00:11:43,135 --> 00:11:44,835
"Oh, it burns.
235
00:11:44,837 --> 00:11:48,206
I love my limbs. Not my limbs."
236
00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:50,975
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
Sad news, y'all.
237
00:11:51,076 --> 00:11:55,012
I'm afraid Ian David Cole
was not able to make it
238
00:11:55,114 --> 00:11:58,782
- 'cause of the snow.
- Damn it! No!
239
00:11:58,784 --> 00:12:00,952
Or was I?
240
00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:04,188
I've been here all night.
241
00:12:04,289 --> 00:12:06,273
Holy whaaat?
242
00:12:06,308 --> 00:12:09,894
Life is a stage,
and the stage is my life.
243
00:12:09,995 --> 00:12:12,196
And you are my costars.
244
00:12:12,297 --> 00:12:15,066
Give yourselves a round of applause.
245
00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:18,678
Friggin' theater's Ian David Cole!
246
00:12:19,689 --> 00:12:22,206
Think, Betty, think.
Focus.
247
00:12:22,207 --> 00:12:24,442
Vase, crystal,
248
00:12:24,543 --> 00:12:29,113
silverware, case of wine,
sugar daddy, chandelier.
249
00:12:29,214 --> 00:12:32,283
Find your hustle. Where is it?
250
00:12:32,284 --> 00:12:33,985
Cigar smoke.
251
00:12:36,622 --> 00:12:40,091
- Bingo.
- No, we aren't playing bingo.
252
00:12:40,192 --> 00:12:42,160
We're helping Daniel hide
from his ball and chain.
253
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:44,829
- Hey, aren't you Jenny Hart's mama?
- Sure am.
254
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:46,497
You got a good-looking
daughter, Ms. Hart.
255
00:12:46,498 --> 00:12:48,399
You look good, too, for an old.
256
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:50,902
Oh, that's so sweet of you to say.
257
00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:52,904
Can I play? I got cash.
258
00:12:53,005 --> 00:12:54,705
Kohl hard cash.
259
00:12:57,209 --> 00:13:00,912
Oh, my Lord, she is priceless.
Dare I even say hot?
260
00:13:01,013 --> 00:13:03,848
I say we let
this ancient cutie sit in.
261
00:13:05,984 --> 00:13:08,886
Okay, now what's the difference
262
00:13:08,987 --> 00:13:11,956
between the pointy shovels
and the bumpy shovels?
263
00:13:14,927 --> 00:13:17,328
Look at all this dumb crap
that could've been our bonuses.
264
00:13:17,429 --> 00:13:19,764
A crystal bird?
What's that even for?
265
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:23,343
- This bitch.
- A mahogany box and nothing in it?
266
00:13:23,351 --> 00:13:26,089
This biatch!
This bitch?
267
00:13:26,190 --> 00:13:27,573
This biatch?
268
00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:31,140
This bish.
This bitch!
269
00:13:31,207 --> 00:13:32,807
I've seen every production
you've ever done,
270
00:13:32,808 --> 00:13:35,710
Ian David Cole.
I loved your musical version
271
00:13:35,711 --> 00:13:37,779
of The Odd Couple where you
played both characters.
272
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:40,315
Delightful.
273
00:13:40,416 --> 00:13:43,318
Why haven't you tried out
for anything, Wade?
274
00:13:43,419 --> 00:13:45,487
Oh, yeah, it's Wayne,
with an "N."
275
00:13:45,588 --> 00:13:49,490
No, it isn't. It's Wade.
Wade Rock.
276
00:13:49,558 --> 00:13:53,261
That will be your stage name
when you join me onstage.
277
00:13:53,362 --> 00:13:57,098
You have a real presence.
I can feel it.
278
00:13:57,199 --> 00:14:00,935
Oh, no. I-I love watching
theater, but I can't do it.
279
00:14:01,036 --> 00:14:03,872
The one time I tried it,
I really dookied the bed.
280
00:14:03,973 --> 00:14:05,440
Oh-ho-ho-ho, Wade.
281
00:14:05,441 --> 00:14:07,675
Don't talk about
my friend Wade like that.
282
00:14:07,777 --> 00:14:10,779
I'm sure you were wonderful.
283
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:13,982
No. I mean
I really dookied the bed.
284
00:14:14,083 --> 00:14:17,185
Oh, Smee,
what a rogue and peasant...
285
00:14:18,954 --> 00:14:20,654
Oh, no.
286
00:14:21,056 --> 00:14:22,323
Oh, my God.
287
00:14:22,324 --> 00:14:25,126
So, yeah,
I literally dookied the bed.
288
00:14:25,227 --> 00:14:27,796
Onstage, in front of everyone.
289
00:14:27,897 --> 00:14:30,331
Ha-ha!
That's not delightful.
290
00:14:30,432 --> 00:14:33,234
I got so nervous trying
to remember all those lines.
291
00:14:33,335 --> 00:14:36,337
Wade, you've got to get back
on that stage.
292
00:14:36,438 --> 00:14:39,007
Otherwise, the dookie wins.
293
00:14:39,108 --> 00:14:42,310
- I could teach you.
- Oh, I don't know.
294
00:14:42,311 --> 00:14:45,692
You remember the lyrics to
your favorite songs, don't you?
295
00:14:45,753 --> 00:14:47,582
♪ Love in an elevator ♪
296
00:14:47,583 --> 00:14:50,518
- Hell yeah.
- Delightful!
297
00:14:50,519 --> 00:14:54,656
- You just acted!
- Delightful!
298
00:14:56,292 --> 00:14:59,561
I have no idea
how I'm winning all these...
299
00:14:59,662 --> 00:15:01,863
what are they called, chips?
300
00:15:01,964 --> 00:15:04,165
Okay, you're big blind, little
blind. Let's see the flop.
301
00:15:07,203 --> 00:15:08,670
Oh, would you look at this bed.
302
00:15:08,671 --> 00:15:10,538
There's probably
$10,000 worth of pillows.
303
00:15:10,639 --> 00:15:13,274
- Bonus! Bonus! Bonus!
- Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!
304
00:15:13,375 --> 00:15:16,377
- No luck in her drawers.
- Ooh, I can't wait to see
305
00:15:16,378 --> 00:15:19,210
how many trillions of dollars
of purses she's got.
306
00:15:23,225 --> 00:15:26,027
- Anything good in there?
- No, no. Uh, false alarm.
307
00:15:26,028 --> 00:15:27,829
Uh, but I think
I did see some Adderall
308
00:15:27,930 --> 00:15:29,397
in the kids' Jack N Jill bathroom.
309
00:15:29,398 --> 00:15:32,500
Jackpot! Someone's gonna
pass her nursing test.
310
00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:44,971
- Hey, Louise...
- This party is a disaster.
311
00:15:45,072 --> 00:15:47,974
- Sorry, what?
- This party.
312
00:15:48,075 --> 00:15:51,011
It's just a big ol' sparkly
ol' Band-Aid
313
00:15:51,112 --> 00:15:54,347
- on a nasty secret wound.
- Is it?
314
00:15:54,348 --> 00:15:58,685
All appearances to the contrary,
things are not great
315
00:15:58,686 --> 00:16:02,789
- between me and Daniel.
- What...?
316
00:16:02,890 --> 00:16:05,925
At the very least, I thought
if I put up a ton of mistletoe,
317
00:16:06,027 --> 00:16:07,894
maybe Daniel
would give me a kiss,
318
00:16:07,995 --> 00:16:10,430
but he's dodging
mistletoe like Tom Cruise
319
00:16:10,431 --> 00:16:12,866
dodged those lasers
in Mission: Impossible.
320
00:16:12,967 --> 00:16:16,002
Louise, Daniel is lucky
as hell to have you.
321
00:16:16,103 --> 00:16:17,504
And this party is amazing.
322
00:16:17,505 --> 00:16:20,440
And if it makes you feel any better,
I'm super jealous.
323
00:16:20,441 --> 00:16:24,010
Oh, Jenny, it does.
Thank you.
324
00:16:24,445 --> 00:16:26,212
Jenny, you have
a beautiful family
325
00:16:26,314 --> 00:16:29,115
that loves you, and you're
so lucky to have Wayne.
326
00:16:29,216 --> 00:16:33,219
He brings you sliders, and he
knows your pickle preferences.
327
00:16:33,321 --> 00:16:36,790
Thanks, Louise.
Wayne is a sweetheart.
328
00:16:36,891 --> 00:16:38,925
I wanted you and Brenda
to come here tonight,
329
00:16:39,026 --> 00:16:42,629
'cause the guest list is mostly
Daniel's friends and family.
330
00:16:42,730 --> 00:16:44,831
I just wanted
some friendly faces here.
331
00:16:44,932 --> 00:16:49,369
- You need a little hug?
- I think I do.
332
00:16:49,470 --> 00:16:53,173
Now, can you pet my head
like my grambie used to?
333
00:16:53,274 --> 00:16:54,841
Uh, like-like this?
334
00:16:54,842 --> 00:16:56,910
Slower. Smoother strokes.
335
00:16:57,011 --> 00:16:58,711
Like a cat.
336
00:17:02,683 --> 00:17:05,552
Okay, Louise, I think you need
to just open up your mouth
337
00:17:05,653 --> 00:17:09,255
and tell Daniel that you deserve
respect and you deserve love.
338
00:17:09,256 --> 00:17:11,958
You're right!
I'm gonna go tell him right now.
339
00:17:12,059 --> 00:17:13,759
Uh-oh. Well, uh, no.
340
00:17:13,828 --> 00:17:15,428
Uh, maybe don't do it now,
341
00:17:15,429 --> 00:17:18,833
with a house full
of snowed-in party guests...
342
00:17:29,109 --> 00:17:34,647
I'll raise you 50,
and another 50 for calling me old.
343
00:17:34,748 --> 00:17:37,183
Betty, you are on me like
self-tanner on a white couch.
344
00:17:37,284 --> 00:17:40,286
I'm all out of cash, so I'm
gonna have to throw this in.
345
00:17:40,387 --> 00:17:42,889
This antique smoke show
is gonna bust us all.
346
00:17:42,990 --> 00:17:45,058
Hey, Daniel, you in or out?
347
00:17:45,159 --> 00:17:49,195
Uh-oh. Looks like that little
fishy just jumped off the hook.
348
00:17:50,297 --> 00:17:53,967
It's day 63
since the arrival of Frosty.
349
00:17:54,068 --> 00:17:57,036
Christmas as we know it
has ceased to be.
350
00:17:57,137 --> 00:18:01,074
The cannibalism, well,
that started almost immediately.
351
00:18:01,175 --> 00:18:03,743
I can't believe
what happened to Miss Beverly.
352
00:18:03,844 --> 00:18:05,545
Miss Beverly had it coming!
353
00:18:10,451 --> 00:18:12,151
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
354
00:18:12,219 --> 00:18:16,089
Daniel Everett Culp III,
I have a bone to pick with you.
355
00:18:16,190 --> 00:18:18,157
- Oh, boy.
- What?
356
00:18:18,259 --> 00:18:20,894
I may have accidentally told
Louise to make a giant scene
357
00:18:20,995 --> 00:18:23,563
- at her party.
- Oh, hell yeah!
358
00:18:23,664 --> 00:18:27,400
Daniel, I don't know what is
going on with you lately, but...
359
00:18:29,136 --> 00:18:31,771
Oh, just when I
was starting to think
360
00:18:31,872 --> 00:18:33,773
you were a Christmas Grinch,
361
00:18:33,874 --> 00:18:36,175
you go and corner me
under the mistletoe?
362
00:18:36,277 --> 00:18:39,779
Daniel, shug, you can't just leave
the table in the middle of a hand.
363
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:42,781
Bad form.
Get your buns back down here.
364
00:18:43,584 --> 00:18:46,185
Uh... mm...
365
00:18:51,458 --> 00:18:52,926
Hi, Jenny.
366
00:18:55,262 --> 00:18:56,962
Uh...
367
00:19:00,968 --> 00:19:04,571
- Ew.
- It's a Christmas miracle.
368
00:19:04,572 --> 00:19:07,006
More like Grossmas spewacle.
369
00:19:07,107 --> 00:19:09,008
Smooching won't get you
out of this.
370
00:19:09,109 --> 00:19:12,845
Ooh. Daniel, so silly.
371
00:19:12,947 --> 00:19:14,981
Attention, everyone!
372
00:19:15,082 --> 00:19:16,983
"'Twas the Night Before Christmas"
373
00:19:17,084 --> 00:19:19,452
will be recited
by my young protégé,
374
00:19:19,553 --> 00:19:22,455
- Wade Rock!
- What?
375
00:19:22,456 --> 00:19:24,156
You can do it, Wade.
376
00:19:24,158 --> 00:19:27,414
Remember "Love in an Elevator."
377
00:19:30,404 --> 00:19:32,104
♪ 'Twas the night ♪
378
00:19:32,173 --> 00:19:33,573
♪ Before Christmas ♪
379
00:19:33,574 --> 00:19:35,074
♪ Not a creature was stirring ♪
380
00:19:35,075 --> 00:19:36,209
♪ Not even a mouse ♪
381
00:19:36,210 --> 00:19:37,777
♪ All the stockings were hung ♪
382
00:19:37,778 --> 00:19:39,446
♪ By the chimney with care ♪
383
00:19:39,447 --> 00:19:41,347
♪ In hopes that St. Nicholas
would soon be ♪
384
00:19:41,449 --> 00:19:46,619
♪ There... ♪
385
00:19:47,955 --> 00:19:49,856
It was just a toot!
386
00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:55,028
Delightful, Wade!
387
00:19:55,129 --> 00:19:57,997
- You did it!
- Doo, doo-doo-doo, y'all.
388
00:19:57,998 --> 00:20:01,935
Now I'd like to express
some Christmas gratitude.
389
00:20:02,036 --> 00:20:03,336
Huh?
390
00:20:03,337 --> 00:20:05,605
Jenny, y'all, Brenda,
391
00:20:05,706 --> 00:20:09,108
here are your Christmas
bonus checks.
392
00:20:09,210 --> 00:20:10,910
And I'd just like to say
393
00:20:11,011 --> 00:20:13,913
that I'm so happy
that it accidentally worked out
394
00:20:14,014 --> 00:20:16,015
that all of y'all
happened to be here
395
00:20:16,116 --> 00:20:19,452
to share this wonderful,
charitable moment with me.
396
00:20:19,553 --> 00:20:22,689
- She just called us charity.
- This bitch.
397
00:20:24,058 --> 00:20:26,526
♪ 'Twas the night
before Christmas ♪
398
00:20:26,627 --> 00:20:29,329
♪ Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse ♪
399
00:20:29,430 --> 00:20:32,232
♪ All the stockings were hung
by the chimney with care ♪
400
00:20:32,333 --> 00:20:33,967
♪ In the hopes that St. Nicholas
would soon be ♪
401
00:20:33,968 --> 00:20:39,005
♪ There... ♪
402
00:20:44,678 --> 00:20:47,146
Now it's a perfect Christmas.
403
00:20:47,397 --> 00:20:48,964
Ho, ho, ho, y'all.
404
00:20:48,965 --> 00:20:51,000
Those cheapskates didn't want
to cash out my chips,
405
00:20:51,101 --> 00:20:53,702
but I did manage to get
the cash equivalent,
406
00:20:53,803 --> 00:20:57,172
giving us the merriest Christmas ever.
407
00:20:57,274 --> 00:20:59,842
Oh-ho! The crystal bird!
408
00:20:59,943 --> 00:21:02,811
Evil Frosty the Snow Alien?
409
00:21:02,912 --> 00:21:05,414
Gram, thank you. I love it.
410
00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:08,951
No way. A gently worn polo
and a Citizen watch?
411
00:21:09,052 --> 00:21:11,954
This'll go from work to play
like a champ. Delightful.
412
00:21:12,055 --> 00:21:17,059
And a fresh set of AAs right
out of Daniel's universal remote.
413
00:21:18,662 --> 00:21:21,830
That's right, y'all,
we are bringing Saxy back.
414
00:21:21,931 --> 00:21:23,367
Merry Christmas!
415
00:21:23,368 --> 00:21:26,603
- Merry Christmas, everyone!
- I love you guys.
416
00:21:26,882 --> 00:21:29,960
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