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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,170 --> 00:00:02,169 Previously on "American Princess" 2 00:00:02,170 --> 00:00:04,169 And you can shred your Black Card. Mom's cutting you off. 3 00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:05,604 You know what? You can tell Mom... 4 00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:07,999 ... to keep her emotional blood money. I'm getting a job here. 5 00:00:08,375 --> 00:00:09,575 You're what? 6 00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:10,576 You're hired. 7 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,211 [ Indistinct conversations ] 8 00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:14,747 Huzzah for the tipper! 9 00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:17,416 Look, I'm beyond sorry that what I did upset you. 10 00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:19,018 Are you on our honeymoon? 11 00:00:19,053 --> 00:00:20,786 Oh, my God. Amanda. You guys, it's Amanda. 12 00:00:20,821 --> 00:00:22,688 Oh. Hi! 13 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:24,223 I just spoke to Brett. 14 00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:27,026 How's rehab? Morgan: Lexi, she's not in rehab. 15 00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:29,595 That's just what we're saying. I know this is a weird time, 16 00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:32,364 but are you reimbursing us for the bridesmaid dresses? 17 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,099 What? No. 18 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:36,735 [ Sobbing ] 19 00:00:36,771 --> 00:00:39,071 How can you have known me for one day 20 00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:40,639 and be nicer to me than the people 21 00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:42,875 who were supposed to be in my wedding? 22 00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:45,611 The man who broke your heart was back to rub your nose in it, 23 00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:46,879 publicly? 24 00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:49,882 He's such a dick. Always was. 25 00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:54,119 [ Water running ] 26 00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:15,007 [ Delilah moaning ] [ Vibrator buzzing ] 27 00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:17,509 [ Laughing ] 28 00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:20,112 [ Banging ] 29 00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:22,714 [ Moaning continues ] 30 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,853 [ Sighs ] [ Buzzing stops ] 31 00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:30,089 Morning. 32 00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:35,494 [ Yawns ] 33 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:40,999 Ew. 34 00:01:41,035 --> 00:01:43,168 [ Groans ] 35 00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:44,503 [ Sighs ] 36 00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:50,642 Huh? 37 00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:53,512 [ Water running ] 38 00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,487 Oh. 39 00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,624 [ Groans ] 40 00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:08,794 [ Maggie sobbing ] 41 00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:25,210 Hi. 42 00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:28,413 Uh, excuse me. 43 00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:31,183 Do you think I could maybe borrow some shampoo? 44 00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:35,053 [ Water stops ] 45 00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:42,327 Ooh! [ Gasps ] Excuse me. 46 00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:45,531 Hey. Are you okay? It sounded like you were -- 47 00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,166 Upset? 48 00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:50,369 Yes. I saw a spider, 49 00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:54,339 but it was washed down the drain before I could rescue it. 50 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:55,674 Nature is a bitch. 51 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,442 Well, maybe when the sun comes up, 52 00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,344 it'll climb up the spout again. 53 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,513 You're not supposed to be in here. 54 00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:04,416 I thought this was a communal shower, like at Camp Mischpocheh. 55 00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:06,051 This is my private shower time. 56 00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:07,619 You can reserve private shower time? 57 00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:10,122 Where's the sign-up sheet? There is no sign-up sheet. 58 00:03:10,157 --> 00:03:13,792 There is seniority and time spent and a position earned. 59 00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:15,460 But I-I -- Out. 60 00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:20,933 So, she's the queen of the bathroom, too? 61 00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:22,401 She's the queen of everything. 62 00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:24,236 Well, she sure ain't the queen of waxing salon. 63 00:03:24,271 --> 00:03:26,572 I just can't shake the visual of her hair-ea. 64 00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:28,140 I'm not saying everyone should get a Brazil, 65 00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:29,875 but they should at least get out of Romania. 66 00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:32,110 I once let my armpit hair grow out to see if I could braid it. 67 00:03:32,146 --> 00:03:33,378 [ Chuckles ] Could you? 68 00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:35,414 I couldn't. It kept curling up. 69 00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:37,216 So, Maggie was mad? She wasn't happy. 70 00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:39,251 Oh. That's not good. Why not? 71 00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:42,721 Because Maggie's approval means everything. 72 00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:45,757 It means better shower time. It means more beer tickets. 73 00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,759 Oh, and if she really likes you, 74 00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:50,729 she'll let you take a nap on the sheepskin rug in her tent. 75 00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:53,632 [ Sniffs, gasps ] 76 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:56,768 Honeysuckle. Oats and grapefruit gobblers. 77 00:03:56,804 --> 00:03:59,671 Oh, Fairemily breakfast. 78 00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:01,807 Oh! 79 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,642 Sorry. So sorry. 80 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:05,077 Stick. 81 00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,948 [ Exhales deeply ] 82 00:04:09,984 --> 00:04:12,251 [ Tongue clicks ] 83 00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:14,019 Oh, hey, Sugar Shack. 84 00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:16,788 Hey. Omelets. Awesome. 85 00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:18,290 Are there onions? 86 00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:19,825 And I'll have whatever cheese you've got, but light. 87 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:22,294 Too much dairy is -- Well, you get it. 88 00:04:22,329 --> 00:04:24,196 Yep. I got it. 89 00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:26,431 Oh, leave that flame so I get it. 90 00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:30,369 We cook for ourselves with the food we buy ourselves, princess. 91 00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:32,604 That's "pub wench" to you. 92 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,673 What, you only know how to make reservations? 93 00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:37,876 Rude and vaguely anti-Semitic. How about this? 94 00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:40,712 I will make a double-sized cheddar-and-ham for myself, 95 00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:42,481 and I'll give you half on credit. 96 00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:44,816 Thank you. No ham in mine, though, 97 00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:48,320 unless you can assure me that the meat is sustainably farm-- 98 00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:49,988 Ham is fine. Mm-hmm. 99 00:04:50,024 --> 00:04:52,891 And I'm guessing that there aren't any egg whites? 100 00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:56,428 Got it, no. Cool. It's co-- It's cool. 101 00:04:57,331 --> 00:05:01,566 Oh! Look at you all dressed in clothes. 102 00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:04,236 Amanda said you were crying this morning. 103 00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:07,472 [ Sighs ] When I get sad, I think about fish. 104 00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:10,409 Don't focus on the plastic they eat. 105 00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:13,879 Think about their adorable faces. 106 00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:18,417 Ugh. I'm off to Faire workshop. You're going to that, too? 107 00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:20,919 Great. I was gonna maybe stop by. Ugh. 108 00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:25,657 Uh, FYI -- Maggie teaches the workshop, 109 00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:28,193 and it's mandatory for newbs. Even for pub wenches? 110 00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:29,995 We mainly just pour beer and jiggle. 111 00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:32,764 We like our peripheral employees to stay consistent 112 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,700 with proper Elizabethan dialect, 113 00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:37,936 syntax, behavior as best they can. 114 00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:40,605 Peripheral? Superfluous, extraneous, nonessential. 115 00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:44,676 I know what peripheral means. Well, you should shine, then. 116 00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:46,078 Do you sleep in that? 117 00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:47,913 David: Whoa, all garbed up? 118 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,348 I thought you were going to a radio station. 119 00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:52,718 Thanks. I am. To be on the radio. 120 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:55,687 I am representing the Faire as William Shakespeare. 121 00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:59,124 It's fun for the disc jockeys. 122 00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:01,860 [ Chuckles ] Well, I love the school spirit. 123 00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:04,296 You go knock 'em dead, son. I shall. 124 00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:07,265 You going to Maggie's workshop? 125 00:06:07,301 --> 00:06:10,068 Can't. Me and Shart are gonna paper the town with Ren Faire fliers, 126 00:06:10,104 --> 00:06:11,903 you know, drum up the locals? 127 00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:15,140 Radio gigs and fliers -- really leaning into this Dark Ages 128 00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:17,309 branding in every way. You know, the Dark Ages 129 00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:19,111 was actually a few hundred years before the -- 130 00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:20,445 The Renaissance. I know. Yeah, mm-hmm. 131 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:21,947 I was being nonliteral. 132 00:06:24,318 --> 00:06:28,286 I'll be on the air in 47 minutes... 133 00:06:28,322 --> 00:06:30,422 in case you want to hear how it's done. 134 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,260 [ Door closes ] Shakespeare wore a smartwatch? 135 00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:38,663 Eh, man was fastidious about his 10,000 steps a day. 136 00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:40,265 I do. 137 00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:41,733 All: I do. 138 00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:42,968 Thou dost. 139 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,236 Thou dost. 140 00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:45,504 Huzzah! 141 00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:47,139 Huzzah! 142 00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:49,841 Now, I couldn't help but overhear multiple examples 143 00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:51,943 of dropped Elizabethan phrasing last weekend. 144 00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:55,414 Whether you are serving food or fitting corsets, 145 00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:59,584 you are part of one cohesive show here, people -- our show. 146 00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,820 For instance... 147 00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:04,623 Hey, Natasha. ...it is not a smartphone, it is a tiny, portable... 148 00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,458 Did I miss anything? No. 149 00:07:06,493 --> 00:07:09,027 Just Elizabeth telling us we suck at Elizabethan. 150 00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:13,498 Good day, mistress. How gracious of thee to join us. 151 00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:15,767 Sorry. There was a crazy line for the privies. 152 00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,369 And who do I -- As I was saying, 153 00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:19,604 I've noticed some slacking. 154 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,206 Ow. For instance, we are not selling turkey legs. 155 00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:22,774 You okay? Cramps. 156 00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:24,509 Oh, I'm sure someone around here has ibuprofen. 157 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,845 Oh, no, babe. I don't do pills. She doesn't do pills. 158 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,713 Hmm? I'm saying, "Natasha doesn't do pills." 159 00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:30,148 That's right. Yeah. 160 00:07:30,184 --> 00:07:33,118 It is our responsibility to live, breathe, 161 00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:36,721 and speak British history. Ooh. 162 00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:38,723 I know a ton about British history 163 00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,492 and the East London club scene. 164 00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:43,695 Awesome. As townsfolk of Shropshire, 165 00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:45,297 seeing the Queen Elizabeth in person 166 00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:47,132 would be the greatest honor you could ever have. 167 00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:51,403 [ Coughs ] And you must pay the appropriate respect. 168 00:07:55,042 --> 00:08:00,078 We show deference by kneeling, by bowing, by curtsying. 169 00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:01,913 Who's first? Ooh! 170 00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:04,249 Cardio Barre has me curtsying like a boss. 171 00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:09,187 Natasha, maker of the pockets of pork, come forth. 172 00:08:09,223 --> 00:08:10,856 Defer to your queen. 173 00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:15,894 Ow. 174 00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:18,230 [ Applause ] Maggie: Most excellent. 175 00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:22,701 Callie, nurturer of horses. 176 00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:26,838 I mostly brush and ride, but okay. 177 00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:33,111 [ Applause ] Lovely. 178 00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:35,547 Very, very lithe. 179 00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,921 Hail and well met, Your Majesty. 180 00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:44,890 What the fo-- 181 00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:46,525 [ Laughter ] 182 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:50,228 One punch takes out the both of you. One. 183 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,466 [ Sighs ] 184 00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:57,702 Okay, you. Beguile us. 185 00:08:57,738 --> 00:08:59,804 Actually, I was thinking -- Oh, f-- 186 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,474 You know how the queen would literally never cross paths 187 00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:04,276 with a pub wench in an open-air bar 188 00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:07,145 where they serve cocktails like "Gimlet, Prince of Denmark"? 189 00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:10,048 So how fun would it be if, instead, 190 00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,583 one of the queen's guards, 191 00:09:11,618 --> 00:09:14,786 or whatever, fell in love with the pub wench 192 00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:18,490 and he invited her to serve the queen at her throne? 193 00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:21,393 Fun, right? Oh, and... 194 00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:25,330 Like a palsied seal. 195 00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:27,766 Moving on. W-Wait. What about my idea? 196 00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:30,268 Let's stick with the scenarios we already do, all right? 197 00:09:30,304 --> 00:09:31,937 I pass. You lower yourself. 198 00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:33,638 We give our guests the immersive experience 199 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,273 of a queen and her queendom. 200 00:09:35,309 --> 00:09:37,175 But -- Shh. That's enough. 201 00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:38,410 Sit. 202 00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:46,151 Lord Mason, prostrate thyself. 203 00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:48,353 Did she say "prostate"? [ Both chuckle ] 204 00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:49,621 Mason, bow! 205 00:09:55,529 --> 00:09:57,262 Bravo. 206 00:09:57,297 --> 00:10:00,599 And that's how we do it. 207 00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:03,134 Pbht! 208 00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:08,373 Drew sleep out of mine eyes, blood from my cheeks, 209 00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:11,142 musings into my mind, 210 00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:14,012 and finding little comfort to relieve them. 211 00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:16,047 [ Snoring ] Uh-oh. She's out. 212 00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:17,949 [ Both laugh ] 213 00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:21,519 I thought it princely charity to grieve them. 214 00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:24,789 [ Heavy metal version of "Greensleeves" plays ] Whoa! 215 00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,725 Ooh! Ah! 216 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,159 More cowbell! 217 00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:29,961 [ Rim shot ] [ Laughter ] 218 00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:32,797 Oh, man. Good radio. Well done. 219 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,666 Yeah, that rhymes. 220 00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:39,137 Oh, for all of you who think you accidentally tuned to NPR, 221 00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,806 it's worse than that -- We're talking the Ren Faire. 222 00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:44,409 Ooh! No offense, Mr. Shakespeare, Bill, 223 00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:47,212 if I may, Billy, uh, but that was boring. 224 00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:49,414 That was really, really boring. Am I right? 225 00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:52,484 I mean, that was more boring than a one-woman improv show. 226 00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,686 Excuse me. I did improv. Yeah, and then I -- 227 00:10:54,721 --> 00:10:57,389 I rescued you from that, and now you do radio. 228 00:10:57,424 --> 00:11:00,158 Your poem made me dry down thur. 229 00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:03,028 [ Laughs ] Whoa! No. You did not just go thur. 230 00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:05,597 Love you, mean it. [ As Borat ] She's my sister. 231 00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:08,433 She's number-four prostitute in all of Kazakhstan. 232 00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:09,734 Nice. 233 00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,369 [ Laughter ] 234 00:11:11,405 --> 00:11:14,272 Um, actually, i-it's not a poem. 235 00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:16,941 It's a scene from "Pericles, Prince of Tyre," 236 00:11:16,977 --> 00:11:18,743 who flees Antioch -- 237 00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,545 [ Music resumes ] Whoo! 238 00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:22,547 [ Laughs ] 239 00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:24,215 Oh! 240 00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:26,451 Ooh, uh, quick question. 241 00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:30,021 On a serious note, does Pericles have both of his testicl-ees, 242 00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:32,624 or is that a different "Shakespeare story"? 243 00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:34,192 Great question. Uh... 244 00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:36,261 He has two balls or not two balls? 245 00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:38,797 [ Laughs ] That is the castration. 246 00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,632 I-I-I don't believe -- 247 00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:42,534 [ As Vito Corleone ] I'm gonna make an offer he can't refuse. 248 00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:44,602 [ Laughter ] 249 00:11:44,638 --> 00:11:46,104 He is killing me today. 250 00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:47,439 Was that "The Godfather"? 251 00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:49,074 How you hung down there, Willy? Ooh. 252 00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:50,742 [ As Austin Powers ] Yeah, baby. 253 00:11:50,777 --> 00:11:53,078 Uh, I-I-I'm sorry. I-I-I don't know. 254 00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,612 T-T-That's actually a good question 255 00:11:54,648 --> 00:11:56,281 because anybody that dresses like that 256 00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:58,316 has got to be pretty confident in other areas, right? 257 00:11:58,351 --> 00:12:00,285 Ooh. Careful there, Bacon. 258 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,253 You're makin' my tinklebox sizzle. 259 00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:06,257 Oh, snap, Chode. She said "sizzle." 260 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,993 [ Sizzling ] Oh, Schnapps shots. 261 00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:11,396 All: [ Chanting ] Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, 262 00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:14,065 Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, 263 00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:15,834 Schnapps. It's 9:52 in the morning. 264 00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:17,402 It is somewhere, right? 265 00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:19,070 [ As John Kimble ] Stop whining. Stop whining. 266 00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:20,905 Who knew Shakespeare was so uptight, huh? 267 00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:22,407 Maybe it's his tights. 268 00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:24,442 They're squeezin' on those testicl-ees. 269 00:12:24,478 --> 00:12:27,011 [ Laughter ] His testi-- Are the tights tight? 270 00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:29,514 On your -- On your balls. Boo-yah! 271 00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:32,083 Mmm! All right. Let's take some calls. 272 00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:34,319 No one from nowhere, you're not on the line. 273 00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:36,855 We've lost all of our listeners. They're all gone. 274 00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:39,958 [ Laughter ] 275 00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:53,838 [ Cheers and applause ] 276 00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:56,307 Ah! [ Laughs ] 277 00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:58,543 [ Laughter ] 278 00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,645 I'm okay! 279 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:04,849 [ Laughing ] Whoo! Oh, my hero. 280 00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:07,152 It's a hot dog on a stick. 281 00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:10,488 Get it? Stick? 282 00:13:10,524 --> 00:13:12,657 It's a veggie dog. 283 00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:15,059 Meat is murder. 284 00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:16,661 You talk? 285 00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:19,664 You've heard me talk. I've heard you say "stick." 286 00:13:19,699 --> 00:13:22,500 I mean, everyone here does such amazing things. 287 00:13:22,536 --> 00:13:24,469 What's with the stick shtick? 288 00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:27,672 [ Indistinct conversations ] 289 00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:34,813 Oh! Wha? 290 00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:37,415 You should do more of that. 291 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,551 First I must master the stick. 292 00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:43,221 Hey, man. You got any more of that oregano oil? 293 00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:46,057 When I can't hit the high C, I know I got a cold coming on. 294 00:13:46,092 --> 00:13:47,358 Totes. Yeah. 295 00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:52,831 Milady. 296 00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:54,666 My debt to you is growing. 297 00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,901 Aye, tell me more. 298 00:13:56,937 --> 00:14:01,406 Oh. Mmm. I needed this. 299 00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:04,676 I mean, I don't need it. It's... Mm-hmm. 300 00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:06,177 ...just refreshing. 301 00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:08,079 Uh-huh. 302 00:14:08,114 --> 00:14:09,547 Stick can talk. 303 00:14:09,583 --> 00:14:12,717 You've heard him talk. I -- But... 304 00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:15,386 Never mind. 305 00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,689 Where's Callie? 306 00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:19,624 Oh, she's teaching G-Spot Awareness 307 00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:22,594 to Shart's wife and a couple other gals. 308 00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,729 You're a lucky man. 309 00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:26,431 Yeah, it's 'cause I never walk under ladders. 310 00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:31,769 Maggie hates me. 311 00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:34,806 No. She just hates all the things you do and say. 312 00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:38,009 The normal response would be, "No, she doesn't." 313 00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:42,313 I just don't get it. People always like me. 314 00:14:42,349 --> 00:14:44,883 I have the most-watched Insta stories of all my friends. 315 00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:47,819 [ Chuckles ] What? 316 00:14:47,854 --> 00:14:52,757 Uh, you do tend to -- to "No, but" a lot. 317 00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:55,627 This is more of a-a "Yes, and" kind of place. 318 00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:57,328 No, I don't. But I -- 319 00:14:57,364 --> 00:14:58,997 Right. 320 00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:00,999 Wait. What? 321 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:02,934 You're in Maggie's house. 322 00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:05,169 You just gotta take your shoes off at the door. 323 00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:07,472 Even if they make the outfit? 324 00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:10,108 What, so I'm just supposed to kiss her ass? 325 00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:13,244 Just play along, like what we do in the faireground. 326 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,079 I don't know what you're talking about. 327 00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:17,482 Ah, okay. Okay. 328 00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:18,850 My sweet lady. 329 00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:20,318 Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. 330 00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:22,420 [ All cheer ] I love this part. 331 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:23,655 Do it. Do it. Do it. 332 00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:25,256 Thou art a vision. 333 00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:27,025 Um, okay. 334 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,459 When last I did see thee, 335 00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:31,596 ye were portly and covered in warts... 336 00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,865 and hairs. [ Chuckling ] Oh! 337 00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:36,534 And thy stench was...whoa. 338 00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:39,671 [ Laughter ] Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. 339 00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:40,939 Uh... 340 00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:42,941 But now... [ Laughs ] 341 00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:46,844 ...I see thee hast transformed... 342 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:49,981 into a most beauteous and wondrous creature. 343 00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:55,887 Thy tresses, thy lips, thy cheeks -- 344 00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:58,656 ye must have paid a great wizard quite a price 345 00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:01,526 for such a strong spell of boundless beauty. 346 00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,697 Man: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! 347 00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:07,799 Got it. Oh, wow. 348 00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:09,834 That was thick. 349 00:16:09,869 --> 00:16:11,169 Ah! 350 00:16:11,204 --> 00:16:13,905 [ All cheering ] 351 00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:15,707 All right. Bravo! 352 00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,675 If I said any of that to Maggie, 353 00:16:17,711 --> 00:16:19,310 she'd think I was hitting on her, 354 00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:21,145 and she's not really my type. Eh. 355 00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:22,814 I mean, there was this one time 356 00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:24,749 that I kissed my friend Lexi after prom, but -- 357 00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:26,050 Boy, do I want to hear this story, 358 00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,319 but let's just focus on this. 359 00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:31,923 Um, what's the first thing that you think of 360 00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:33,257 when you look at me? 361 00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:34,826 Your body. Your body. 362 00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:37,662 [ Laughter ] All right. All right. Okay. 363 00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:40,198 Man: It is. All right. Well, uh, let's try that. 364 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,533 Try your body? Yes. 365 00:16:42,569 --> 00:16:44,736 Try to endow my body. Oh. 366 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:46,771 Endow it? But -- Well, how specific do I have to be? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 367 00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:49,674 I am waiting. Okay. Okay. Geez. 368 00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:52,343 [ All "Oohing" ] 369 00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:54,245 [ Man trills tongue ] 370 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:55,847 Okay. Okay. Okay. 371 00:16:55,882 --> 00:16:57,749 Use your hands. 372 00:16:57,784 --> 00:16:59,617 Uh... 373 00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:01,519 Put your whole body into it. 374 00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:02,754 Woo me. 375 00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:04,088 [ Laughs ] 376 00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,456 Thy... 377 00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:07,225 Louder! 378 00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:12,363 Wouldst that I were the sun glistening upon thy back? 379 00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:14,766 Ah. Ooh! 380 00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,801 [ Chatter intensifies ] 381 00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:18,803 [ Laughter ] 382 00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:24,475 But not for too long because...melanoma? 383 00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:26,144 [ Laughter ] It's a strong start. 384 00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:28,579 Okay. All right. Pbht! 385 00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:30,581 It's the first go. Strong -- Strong start. 386 00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:32,083 In sooth? No. 387 00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:33,751 Oh. Man: Boo. 388 00:17:33,787 --> 00:17:35,653 It -- It fell off there at the end. 389 00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,622 How about Tulum? 390 00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:40,224 There was just a mass murder there, so it'll be dirt cheap. 391 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:41,893 Are you scrolling through resort porn 392 00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,261 to take your mind off Colin, 393 00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:44,729 or are we actually going on this trip? 394 00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:48,066 Because if we are, it's Dusseldorf or bust. 395 00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:51,269 Colin has been blocked and deleted. 396 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,240 Are we elitist? Oh, God, yes. 397 00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:58,076 It's one of the things I love about us. 398 00:17:58,111 --> 00:18:01,612 No. I-I mean in... an insufferable way. 399 00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:03,147 Blue cheese olive? 400 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:05,650 One blue cheese and one regular on the side. 401 00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:07,852 And being elitist isn't a bad thing. 402 00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:09,187 Societies need a pecking order. 403 00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:10,988 Otherwise, we'd peck each other to death. 404 00:18:11,024 --> 00:18:12,957 [ Cheering in distance ] 405 00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:15,293 Ugh, fools. 406 00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:18,162 Man: Hey. Someone help her. Should we go out there? 407 00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:20,064 Why? 408 00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:23,167 Maybe we're missing out. 409 00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:25,036 Have you been using the weighted blanket 410 00:18:25,071 --> 00:18:26,838 I bought you with that podcast code? 411 00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:29,474 Could be fun. Oh, we have fun. 412 00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:31,042 Remember when we drank fuzzy navels 413 00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:33,111 and watched "Call Me By Your Name"? 414 00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:35,446 Yeah. Hmm. 415 00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:38,950 [ Sighs ] Those idiot deejays today 416 00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:42,787 made me feel like I was back in a high-school locker room. 417 00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:46,124 "Oh. There's Brian, the Pillsbury Doughboy." 418 00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:48,192 I liked the testicl-ees joke. 419 00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:50,461 [ Chuckles ] 420 00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:52,563 You know, I once got locked overnight 421 00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,632 in my high school's equipment shed 422 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,634 after hiding there during P.E. 423 00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:59,403 I detest sheds. It was terrifying. 424 00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:01,672 But I did finish "The Canterbury Tales." 425 00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:02,874 I had a penlight. 426 00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:05,510 Oh, "Canterbury Tales," 427 00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:07,912 the original "Fifty Shades." 428 00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:09,313 [ Scoffs ] And I have another promo tomorrow. 429 00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:10,915 It's all I can think about. 430 00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:14,418 The original "Fifty Shades." That's funny. [ Chuckles ] 431 00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:18,222 Ugh. Why didn't you tell me I had lipstick on my teeth? 432 00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:22,827 I'm going out there. 433 00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:25,930 Is that a poppy seed? 434 00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:31,402 Thy sensational smile doth shine upon thy heaving bosoms... Oh! 435 00:19:31,437 --> 00:19:33,604 Oh, my. ...just as said bosoms 436 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,575 do sit like clouds for angels' bottoms. 437 00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:41,078 Oh, Pizzle. Oh, I'm gonna write that down. 438 00:19:41,114 --> 00:19:43,247 Did you mean both bosoms or just the left one? 439 00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:44,849 I mean, 'cause it's the crowd favorite. 440 00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:46,184 Lefty Louie. 441 00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,286 [ Chuckles ] 442 00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:51,389 Well done, Master Pizzle. [ Chuckles ] 443 00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:59,197 Oh, light teal -- too risky. 444 00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:04,802 So, what's going on here with you...guys? 445 00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:07,772 David's teaching me how to be performatively nice to people. 446 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,473 Yeah. Hey, uh, do me next. 447 00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:13,978 Oh! Thy most bountiful and glorious belly. Ah! 448 00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:17,114 [ Laughter ] How many weeks before we may expect little Shart? 449 00:20:17,150 --> 00:20:19,750 Yeah, third trimester, y'all. Oh, my God! 450 00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:21,252 Congratulations. 451 00:20:21,287 --> 00:20:23,387 I can feel him kicking. [ Laughter ] 452 00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:26,157 Now, what you got for Maggie? 453 00:20:26,192 --> 00:20:29,060 N-Nothing that reminds you of your high-school girly-girly action. 454 00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:30,428 Delilah: Ooh. [ Laughs ] 455 00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:31,996 Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What is it? What is it? 456 00:20:32,031 --> 00:20:34,565 No, no, no. I can't say. It's too embarrassing. 457 00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:38,135 What, like Shart's gut? Hey! That's my baby you're talking about! 458 00:20:38,171 --> 00:20:41,272 Just take the embarrassing... and make it good. 459 00:20:41,307 --> 00:20:42,974 This can't be made good. Come on. 460 00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,675 I'm sure it can. Come on. Come on. 461 00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:47,345 Come on. Say it. Say it. 462 00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:50,748 All: [ Chanting ] Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. 463 00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:53,851 I saw her bush! [ Laughter ] 464 00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:57,188 I'm so proud of you! 465 00:20:57,223 --> 00:20:59,690 David: That's not what I expected. 466 00:20:59,726 --> 00:21:03,761 And...it...was...huge! 467 00:21:03,796 --> 00:21:05,763 [ Laughter ] 468 00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:10,001 Dude. I like a jungle. I'm Tarzan. 469 00:21:10,036 --> 00:21:11,469 [ Laughter ] 470 00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:14,805 Hear me now, good gentles. 471 00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:18,209 'Twas a lush and glorious bush. 472 00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:22,280 'Twas the most radiant shrubbery... [ All clearing throats ] 473 00:21:22,315 --> 00:21:24,582 ...I have ever laid eyes upon! 474 00:21:25,551 --> 00:21:27,885 Oh, don't leg. 475 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,588 Just need a bit of ice. 476 00:21:32,425 --> 00:21:35,259 [ Ice rattling ] 477 00:21:39,232 --> 00:21:42,500 [ Stifled laughter ] 478 00:21:45,571 --> 00:21:47,004 [ Lid closes ] 479 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,073 Ahh. I'll be up for a little while longer. 480 00:21:49,108 --> 00:21:51,242 We could make fuzzy navels. 481 00:21:51,277 --> 00:21:52,710 Fuzzy. 482 00:21:52,745 --> 00:21:55,579 [ Laughter ] 483 00:21:55,615 --> 00:21:58,716 Enjoy your evening. 484 00:21:58,751 --> 00:22:01,085 God save the queen. 485 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:05,222 All: God save the queen! 486 00:22:05,258 --> 00:22:07,058 God shave the queen. 487 00:22:07,093 --> 00:22:11,362 [ Laughter ] 488 00:22:11,397 --> 00:22:13,998 Delilah: Oh, no. 489 00:22:28,114 --> 00:22:30,114 Delilah, Amanda together Um... It means that you really took some timeh. 490 00:22:30,149 --> 00:22:31,816 to make this extra great. I think Maggie is 491 00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:34,952 more of a traditionalist. Oh. Whatever you think. 492 00:22:34,987 --> 00:22:37,421 I've never "Real Housewived" the shit out of anyone before. 493 00:22:37,457 --> 00:22:39,123 Well, I've never used fruit cocktail juice 494 00:22:39,158 --> 00:22:41,559 to make mimosas before, so there you go. 495 00:22:41,594 --> 00:22:43,661 Can't believe you're a "Housewives" fan. 496 00:22:43,696 --> 00:22:45,963 It's like when the one with the pointy nose 497 00:22:45,998 --> 00:22:48,065 offended the super-skinny one 498 00:22:48,101 --> 00:22:50,134 at the charity auction for blind cats, 499 00:22:50,169 --> 00:22:52,403 but then she took her out to brunch, 500 00:22:52,438 --> 00:22:54,138 and everything was great. 501 00:22:54,173 --> 00:22:56,807 I think I'm getting the hang of this place. 502 00:22:56,843 --> 00:22:58,676 I traded compliments for the muffins 503 00:22:58,711 --> 00:23:00,444 and a hand massage for the eggs. 504 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,647 Oh, grasshopper. You're learning so well. 505 00:23:03,683 --> 00:23:06,150 She's coming. It's happening. Okay, all right. Go, go, go. Go, go, go. 506 00:23:10,390 --> 00:23:12,423 Mimosa? 507 00:23:12,458 --> 00:23:15,092 [ Sighs ] 508 00:23:15,128 --> 00:23:17,294 Thanks so much for meeting me. I didn't meet you. 509 00:23:17,330 --> 00:23:18,963 You're standing in front of my tent. 510 00:23:18,998 --> 00:23:20,431 I love your culottes. 511 00:23:20,466 --> 00:23:22,500 They're not culottes. 512 00:23:22,535 --> 00:23:24,435 They're jorts. Why are you here? 513 00:23:24,470 --> 00:23:26,704 Actually, jorts are made from denim 514 00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:29,440 and usually from old jeans. Why are you here? 515 00:23:29,475 --> 00:23:31,942 I was hoping maybe we could... 516 00:23:33,546 --> 00:23:36,013 ...melt the ice a little over brunch. 517 00:23:36,048 --> 00:23:37,681 Cheers. 518 00:23:39,852 --> 00:23:42,953 Oh, wait. We didn't make eye contact. It's bad luck. 519 00:23:42,989 --> 00:23:44,288 Let's -- Let's do it again. 520 00:23:44,323 --> 00:23:46,791 Cheers. Okay. 521 00:23:46,826 --> 00:23:50,361 Can we get to the ice-melting? I have plucking to do. 522 00:23:50,396 --> 00:23:54,899 Delilah tells me you're one of this Faire's OGs. 523 00:23:54,934 --> 00:23:56,834 OGs? 524 00:23:56,869 --> 00:24:00,070 Original gangster. That's the actual meaning. 525 00:24:00,106 --> 00:24:02,173 I was going for the figurative meaning, you know, 526 00:24:02,208 --> 00:24:05,009 founding father, or mother, in this case. 527 00:24:05,044 --> 00:24:07,578 You are the shot-caller -- 528 00:24:07,613 --> 00:24:12,149 who lives, who dies, who gets exiled. 529 00:24:12,185 --> 00:24:16,720 Oh, we are not in the habit of exiling...anyone. 530 00:24:16,756 --> 00:24:19,356 I love how you use the royal "we." 531 00:24:19,392 --> 00:24:22,493 It's -- It's so authentic, 532 00:24:22,528 --> 00:24:25,563 like so much of this place, really hands-on. 533 00:24:25,598 --> 00:24:27,665 Granted, sometimes, those hands are on my ass, 534 00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:30,267 but that's part of the authenticity, right? 535 00:24:30,303 --> 00:24:36,240 I wanted to ask, how do you decide what's okay? 536 00:24:36,275 --> 00:24:40,377 And as the queen, are you actually the decision-maker, 537 00:24:40,413 --> 00:24:42,746 like the Great and Powerful Oz? 538 00:24:42,782 --> 00:24:44,915 I think if we put our heads together, 539 00:24:44,951 --> 00:24:46,684 we could really codify what's appropriate 540 00:24:46,719 --> 00:24:48,719 and what's not, you know? 541 00:24:48,754 --> 00:24:50,187 Right, right. 542 00:24:50,223 --> 00:24:52,857 Let me guess. 543 00:24:52,892 --> 00:24:57,094 Mama Klein was supercritical of little Amanda. 544 00:24:57,129 --> 00:25:02,199 Uh, she's actually a-a-a Lyons n-now. 545 00:25:02,235 --> 00:25:04,635 Klein was my father, but then he -- And judging by your love of the bottle, 546 00:25:04,670 --> 00:25:06,737 she's probably also an alcoholic. 547 00:25:06,772 --> 00:25:09,573 [ Scoffs ] Nothing is ever right, is it? 548 00:25:09,609 --> 00:25:12,076 Is she still trying to envision your ears pinned back? 549 00:25:12,111 --> 00:25:15,112 Did she lament the backhand you never mastered? 550 00:25:15,147 --> 00:25:18,549 My backhand happens to be very powerful and elegant. 551 00:25:18,584 --> 00:25:22,286 And for your information, my mother -- No. I don't really care, sweetie. 552 00:25:22,321 --> 00:25:23,988 Thank you for cleaning this up. 553 00:25:26,025 --> 00:25:27,925 You think you're so insightful, don't you? 554 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,761 Well, I'll have you know, my mother is not an alcoholic. 555 00:25:30,796 --> 00:25:34,298 She's a pillhead and only because they overprescribed her 556 00:25:34,333 --> 00:25:37,501 after she got her eyelids done, so... 557 00:25:41,274 --> 00:25:44,174 Damn it. [ Sighs ] 558 00:25:44,210 --> 00:25:47,278 Don't you want to change into your Pizzle clothes 559 00:25:47,313 --> 00:25:48,812 before we get there? Nah, man. 560 00:25:48,848 --> 00:25:50,447 I'll just strip down in the car. 561 00:25:50,483 --> 00:25:52,616 Don't want to get it wrinkled. 562 00:25:52,652 --> 00:25:55,019 Thank you, again, for coming with me today. 563 00:25:55,054 --> 00:25:58,422 I always work better with someone to bounce off of. 564 00:25:58,457 --> 00:25:59,990 No prob. I got you. 565 00:26:00,026 --> 00:26:02,526 I've written out some improv for us 566 00:26:02,562 --> 00:26:05,829 if you want to study that. 567 00:26:05,865 --> 00:26:09,300 Um, I thought that... 568 00:26:09,335 --> 00:26:12,636 we'd just stay loose out there, you know? 569 00:26:12,672 --> 00:26:16,040 Keep Shakespeare from... What? 570 00:26:16,075 --> 00:26:19,710 ...you know... boring people. 571 00:26:19,745 --> 00:26:21,679 Excuse me? 572 00:26:21,714 --> 00:26:24,648 I mean, dude, on the radio, the lady... 573 00:26:24,684 --> 00:26:27,051 said you made her dry. 574 00:26:27,086 --> 00:26:28,886 [ Scoffs ] 575 00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:31,055 Like I care about dusty vaginas. 576 00:26:31,090 --> 00:26:33,624 Hey, man. Shakespeare was for the masses. 577 00:26:33,659 --> 00:26:36,727 Why always go highbrow when he was also the master of a dirty joke, right? 578 00:26:36,762 --> 00:26:39,063 Well, we know that, but most people don't. 579 00:26:39,098 --> 00:26:41,565 Come on. Shakespeare was a dirty bastard. 580 00:26:41,601 --> 00:26:44,368 Just, like, try going low. 581 00:26:44,403 --> 00:26:47,004 Here. Start with this. 582 00:26:47,039 --> 00:26:49,173 There's got to be E. coli in the salads at Greasy Buns. 583 00:26:49,208 --> 00:26:51,141 [ Chewing ] 584 00:26:51,177 --> 00:26:52,743 [ Scoffs ] 585 00:26:52,778 --> 00:26:54,345 [ Sighs deeply ] 586 00:26:57,116 --> 00:26:59,717 Hmm. Well-seasoned. 587 00:26:59,752 --> 00:27:01,352 Attaboy. 588 00:27:01,387 --> 00:27:04,755 Hey, Robin Hood, what's that dick pouch for? 589 00:27:07,093 --> 00:27:08,759 It's a codpiece. 590 00:27:11,597 --> 00:27:14,598 Or a pouch. 591 00:27:14,634 --> 00:27:16,834 [ Sighs ] 592 00:27:16,869 --> 00:27:18,836 For dicks. 593 00:27:18,871 --> 00:27:19,870 [ Chuckles ] 594 00:27:19,905 --> 00:27:21,171 Funny. 595 00:27:22,642 --> 00:27:24,675 Happy now? I am. Thank you. 596 00:27:29,482 --> 00:27:31,281 Can I open my eyes yet? 597 00:27:31,317 --> 00:27:33,951 Yes, you can. Groceries. 598 00:27:33,986 --> 00:27:35,586 It's like when the one with the lips 599 00:27:35,621 --> 00:27:37,821 took the other one with the lips shopping to cheer her up. 600 00:27:37,857 --> 00:27:40,157 Now you're speaking my love language. 601 00:27:40,192 --> 00:27:43,260 Come. They have almond oil. It makes the best lube. 602 00:27:43,295 --> 00:27:45,095 Hey, there's David. Oh! 603 00:27:45,131 --> 00:27:47,297 Watch me eat mud for money. 604 00:27:47,333 --> 00:27:49,600 Ah! Hey-ho, friends. 605 00:27:49,635 --> 00:27:51,301 Good day, gentles. 606 00:27:51,337 --> 00:27:53,203 Allo, sweet lasses. 607 00:27:53,239 --> 00:27:54,838 Hear ye, come forth. 608 00:27:54,874 --> 00:27:56,840 You there, 609 00:27:56,876 --> 00:27:59,143 come forth to the Royal Renaissance Faire 610 00:27:59,178 --> 00:28:01,712 for Shakespeare and history! 611 00:28:01,747 --> 00:28:04,715 A little aggro, yes? Yeah. We're working on the fun. 612 00:28:04,750 --> 00:28:06,316 Hmm. Good luck with that. Mm-hmm. 613 00:28:06,352 --> 00:28:09,153 I'm really feeling my motivation. 614 00:28:09,188 --> 00:28:11,321 Yes. Everyone's feeling it. You, sir! 615 00:28:11,357 --> 00:28:13,157 You look like you need a sonnet. 616 00:28:13,192 --> 00:28:15,059 It's all local and homemade. 617 00:28:15,094 --> 00:28:16,794 Hey. Hey, Delilah. 618 00:28:16,829 --> 00:28:19,463 Hey, friend. Got those, uh, AA batteries 619 00:28:19,498 --> 00:28:20,964 you're always runnin' low on. 620 00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:22,232 Yay! Excuse me. 621 00:28:24,003 --> 00:28:25,936 Davines, even John Paul Mitchell will do. 622 00:28:27,106 --> 00:28:30,641 For hair. Oh. Yeah. Hair stuff's all right over there. 623 00:28:30,676 --> 00:28:33,477 Thank you so much. Thank you so much. 624 00:28:33,512 --> 00:28:35,412 Have you ever had peanut brittle? No. It sounds disgusting. 625 00:28:35,448 --> 00:28:37,514 Oh, it'll break your teeth, but it'll change your life. 626 00:28:37,550 --> 00:28:40,084 Ooh, coconut oil? 627 00:28:40,119 --> 00:28:43,253 Lavender? Tea tree oil? Mm-hmm. 628 00:28:43,289 --> 00:28:45,422 [ Sniffs ] Mmm! 629 00:28:45,458 --> 00:28:47,825 Smells like Sally Hershberger. Oh! 630 00:28:47,860 --> 00:28:49,927 Mmm! You know your friend's hair smell? 631 00:28:49,962 --> 00:28:51,595 What's mine? [ Sniffs ] 632 00:28:51,630 --> 00:28:53,864 Sunshine and unicorns. 633 00:28:53,899 --> 00:28:56,033 $4.99? 634 00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:58,902 I pay like $40 an ounce for this kind of stuff. 635 00:28:58,938 --> 00:29:02,106 Aloe, shea butter. 636 00:29:02,141 --> 00:29:04,174 All organic? 637 00:29:06,045 --> 00:29:08,579 Can I, uh, help you with anything? 638 00:29:09,982 --> 00:29:11,615 No. 639 00:29:11,650 --> 00:29:13,851 But I can most definitely help you. 640 00:29:17,056 --> 00:29:19,556 The Royal Renaissance Festival. 641 00:29:19,592 --> 00:29:23,393 Come for the merriment, stay for the fun. 642 00:29:23,429 --> 00:29:27,297 Hey. Hey, you giving anything away for free? 643 00:29:27,333 --> 00:29:31,301 Uh, mayhap a soliloquy or a sonnet. 644 00:29:31,337 --> 00:29:35,038 Do you have any stickers? My stepkids love when I bring stickers home. 645 00:29:35,074 --> 00:29:37,808 Sir William, hast thou anything in particular 646 00:29:37,843 --> 00:29:41,078 to say about these beautiful women, huh? 647 00:29:41,113 --> 00:29:42,780 Yeah? 648 00:29:42,815 --> 00:29:45,449 Uh, yes. 649 00:29:45,484 --> 00:29:47,584 Yeah, yeah, I see. [ Chuckles ] 650 00:29:47,620 --> 00:29:50,120 Uh, uh, dearest ladies [clears throat] 651 00:29:50,156 --> 00:29:53,957 some are born great, some achieve greatness, 652 00:29:53,993 --> 00:29:57,561 and other have greatness thrust upon them. 653 00:29:57,596 --> 00:29:59,263 Thrust. [ Laughs ] 654 00:29:59,298 --> 00:30:01,565 Loosen up. Yeah. 655 00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:04,802 Heh. Ha. Of course. 656 00:30:04,837 --> 00:30:09,439 Of course, let's not forget that I, William Shakespeare, 657 00:30:09,475 --> 00:30:13,143 am also the master of the dirty joke. 658 00:30:13,179 --> 00:30:14,478 Ohh! 659 00:30:15,948 --> 00:30:17,347 I don't think they're ready. 660 00:30:17,383 --> 00:30:19,183 No. Here it comes, though. 661 00:30:19,218 --> 00:30:20,851 Oh? 662 00:30:20,886 --> 00:30:25,155 Oh, that she were an open arse, and thou a poperin pear. 663 00:30:25,191 --> 00:30:26,490 [ Laughs ] 664 00:30:26,525 --> 00:30:29,693 Hey! Her ass is closed, man. 665 00:30:29,728 --> 00:30:32,996 Ladies, ladies, forgive my stupid friend. 666 00:30:33,032 --> 00:30:35,933 Forgive us all, for I, Pizzle Humpsalot, 667 00:30:35,968 --> 00:30:40,370 a grotesque and lowly mud beggar, do cry your mercy, 668 00:30:40,406 --> 00:30:41,839 for I have forgot to tell thee 669 00:30:41,874 --> 00:30:44,541 how much fun the Royal Renaissance Festival, 670 00:30:44,577 --> 00:30:47,477 Saturdays and Sundays, 10:00 to 7:00, can be! 671 00:30:47,513 --> 00:30:49,947 Come one, come all, preferably all. 672 00:30:49,982 --> 00:30:53,317 Gather ye round, for the Royal Renaissance Mud Shows 673 00:30:53,352 --> 00:30:55,519 work according to the laws of physics. 674 00:30:55,554 --> 00:30:57,321 What goes up... 675 00:30:57,356 --> 00:30:59,156 [ All gasp ] 676 00:30:59,191 --> 00:31:00,490 ...must come down. 677 00:31:00,526 --> 00:31:03,794 Ooh! [ Laughs ] Karma, man. 678 00:31:03,829 --> 00:31:04,962 [ Laughter ] 679 00:31:04,997 --> 00:31:06,530 Oh, you got a little bit right there. 680 00:31:06,565 --> 00:31:08,665 Oh, and there. 681 00:31:08,701 --> 00:31:10,400 Dead serious. 682 00:31:10,436 --> 00:31:12,502 Have you ever tried getting your products into Barneys? 683 00:31:12,538 --> 00:31:15,205 Barney's Friday Fish Fry. Yeah, I go every week. 684 00:31:15,241 --> 00:31:17,875 This stuff is dying on the vine back here. 685 00:31:17,910 --> 00:31:19,877 It really needs to be in a clear, visible path 686 00:31:19,912 --> 00:31:21,511 facing toward the door. 687 00:31:21,547 --> 00:31:23,146 Oh, my God, beeswax. No, no. 688 00:31:23,182 --> 00:31:24,681 This stuff is multiuse. 689 00:31:24,717 --> 00:31:26,750 Actually, multiuse should have its own section. 690 00:31:26,785 --> 00:31:28,318 Miss, please don't. And these -- 691 00:31:28,354 --> 00:31:29,753 you're mixing messages. 692 00:31:29,788 --> 00:31:31,555 Why have you got bananas next to cosmetics? 693 00:31:31,590 --> 00:31:33,924 Lady, if I needed someone to tell me 694 00:31:33,959 --> 00:31:36,493 how I'm doing everything wrong, I'd call my wife. 695 00:31:36,528 --> 00:31:38,695 Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. That's a little dramatic. 696 00:31:38,731 --> 00:31:41,932 Hi, yeah, I love you so much, but I'm reading the room here, 697 00:31:41,967 --> 00:31:44,902 and I'm getting the feeling that not everybody loves you 698 00:31:44,937 --> 00:31:48,171 as much as I do, right at this moment. Oh, no. No. 699 00:31:48,207 --> 00:31:50,073 Someone has got to tell him 700 00:31:50,109 --> 00:31:52,409 what an eyesore that Shelly's Jam display is. 701 00:31:52,444 --> 00:31:54,044 Okay, so I can hear you. 702 00:31:54,079 --> 00:31:57,080 And, "A," Shelly's my sister. 703 00:31:57,116 --> 00:31:59,182 Oh. So that's actually very hurtful. 704 00:31:59,218 --> 00:32:01,685 "B," she powerlifts, so if you want to tell her 705 00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:04,421 how you feel about her display, be my guest. 706 00:32:04,456 --> 00:32:07,291 "C," I am going to, for the first time ever, 707 00:32:07,326 --> 00:32:09,860 use my right to refuse service to anyone, 708 00:32:09,895 --> 00:32:14,131 which is you, in this case, so congrats and goodbye. 709 00:32:14,166 --> 00:32:16,199 Bye-bye. 710 00:32:16,235 --> 00:32:18,735 Who might want a muddy kiss? 711 00:32:18,771 --> 00:32:22,039 Oh! [ Laughs ] 712 00:32:22,074 --> 00:32:23,273 Oh! Mwah! 713 00:32:23,309 --> 00:32:25,108 If you prick us, do we not bleed? 714 00:32:25,144 --> 00:32:27,577 And if you wrong us, should we not have... 715 00:32:27,613 --> 00:32:29,579 Mud pie in thy face? 716 00:32:29,615 --> 00:32:30,814 Ooh! Oh! 717 00:32:30,849 --> 00:32:33,383 Falling! Oh, oh, oh, oh! 718 00:32:33,419 --> 00:32:34,952 Oh! [ Laughter ] 719 00:32:34,987 --> 00:32:37,754 Oh, oh, oh, oh. 720 00:32:37,790 --> 00:32:40,424 Mayhap this be what ye want. 721 00:32:41,860 --> 00:32:46,396 [ Farting ] 722 00:32:46,432 --> 00:32:49,132 Ah! [ Cries ] 723 00:32:49,168 --> 00:32:50,968 [ Crowd groans ] 724 00:32:51,003 --> 00:32:54,738 [ Sighs ] Are you not entertained?! 725 00:32:58,978 --> 00:33:01,778 Don't worry. You're the only one who's never invited back. 726 00:33:01,814 --> 00:33:03,680 I'm good. [ Laughs ] 727 00:33:03,716 --> 00:33:05,282 Oh! 728 00:33:05,317 --> 00:33:07,484 I was just doing what Marie Kondo always does -- 729 00:33:07,519 --> 00:33:09,853 clearing clutter and sparking joy. 730 00:33:09,888 --> 00:33:12,389 Sparking joy is good, 731 00:33:12,424 --> 00:33:17,027 but trying to fix things that aren't broken is... 732 00:33:17,062 --> 00:33:19,496 Stupid. Stupid? 733 00:33:19,531 --> 00:33:21,898 No, honeybee. 734 00:33:21,934 --> 00:33:26,703 But...a distraction maybe 735 00:33:26,739 --> 00:33:31,541 from what really might need fixing, perhaps. 736 00:33:31,577 --> 00:33:33,477 I could trim those for you if you want me to. 737 00:33:36,115 --> 00:33:39,149 Oh. Wow. 738 00:33:41,286 --> 00:33:43,920 Maggie was right. 739 00:33:43,956 --> 00:33:46,056 I pick myself and everyone else apart. 740 00:33:46,091 --> 00:33:48,191 I find what's wrong in almost every situation. 741 00:33:48,227 --> 00:33:50,794 I thrive on negativity. I... 742 00:33:53,399 --> 00:33:55,832 I am my mother. 743 00:33:57,469 --> 00:33:59,236 [ Scoffs ] 744 00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:04,674 I have never witnessed such rapid psychological growth. 745 00:34:05,878 --> 00:34:09,746 It's beautiful... 746 00:34:09,782 --> 00:34:11,915 like a sea monkey. 747 00:34:11,950 --> 00:34:13,784 [ Chuckles ] 748 00:34:13,819 --> 00:34:16,286 I'm sorry. I'm emotionally leaking all over you. 749 00:34:16,321 --> 00:34:18,922 That's okay. Leak away. 750 00:34:18,957 --> 00:34:21,725 I'll happily collect all your emotional fluids. 751 00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:23,293 Ew. 752 00:34:32,237 --> 00:34:35,272 Ah. 753 00:34:38,277 --> 00:34:39,943 David? 754 00:34:39,978 --> 00:34:41,645 Oh, uh, hey, man. 755 00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:44,548 I want to apologize. No. Y-You don't have to. 756 00:34:44,583 --> 00:34:46,917 Obviously, I had no intention. 757 00:34:46,952 --> 00:34:50,320 I hope you don't think that I meant to... 758 00:34:50,355 --> 00:34:52,089 I'm so embarrassed. 759 00:34:52,124 --> 00:34:53,490 I-It's all good, man. 760 00:34:53,525 --> 00:34:55,959 It's really not. 761 00:34:55,994 --> 00:34:58,662 Look, it's just about finding a balance. 762 00:34:58,697 --> 00:35:04,501 Like, fart jokes good, actual ass explosions, bad. 763 00:35:04,536 --> 00:35:06,103 Noted. Yeah. 764 00:35:06,138 --> 00:35:09,439 I also appreciate your discretion about this. 765 00:35:09,475 --> 00:35:11,241 No one needs to know. 766 00:35:11,276 --> 00:35:14,077 Dude! I heard you shit your pants at the Country Market. 767 00:35:14,113 --> 00:35:15,178 [ Laughs ] Oh, God. 768 00:35:15,214 --> 00:35:16,680 Epic, man. 769 00:35:16,715 --> 00:35:18,315 I mean, I never physically hurt anyone, 770 00:35:18,350 --> 00:35:20,684 but my record is clearing like 500, 600 feet... 771 00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:22,419 Yeah. ...on my stench-power alone, 772 00:35:22,454 --> 00:35:25,155 so congrats, man. 773 00:35:25,190 --> 00:35:28,024 I beg you to forget about this. 774 00:35:28,060 --> 00:35:29,693 No shame, friend. 775 00:35:29,728 --> 00:35:32,162 The body releases when it must release. 776 00:35:32,197 --> 00:35:35,365 Better an empty apartment than a bad tenant. 777 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:38,034 Mm. Mm-hmm. 778 00:35:38,070 --> 00:35:39,870 Hands in. Yeah, dude. Come on. 779 00:35:39,905 --> 00:35:42,205 Hey! Come on, join us. 780 00:35:42,241 --> 00:35:45,308 Yeah. "Fart brothers for life" on three. 781 00:35:45,344 --> 00:35:47,110 One, two, three. 782 00:35:47,146 --> 00:35:49,880 Together: Fart brothers for life! 783 00:35:49,915 --> 00:35:51,014 I'm not there yet. 784 00:35:53,886 --> 00:35:56,520 I found your bra. Oh, great. 785 00:35:58,023 --> 00:36:00,056 Wouldn't it make more sense to start the parade 786 00:36:00,092 --> 00:36:01,458 inside the fairegrounds? 787 00:36:01,493 --> 00:36:02,993 That way, people have more time to get a beer. 788 00:36:03,028 --> 00:36:04,961 You're doing it again. I'm doing it again. 789 00:36:04,997 --> 00:36:06,863 See, nothing needs to be fixed. 790 00:36:06,899 --> 00:36:08,131 Really? 791 00:36:08,167 --> 00:36:09,966 Hi. Hello. 792 00:36:10,002 --> 00:36:12,469 Who left the damn hose on? I'll shut it off. 793 00:36:12,504 --> 00:36:14,171 Geez. 794 00:36:14,206 --> 00:36:18,375 [ Fanfare plays ] 795 00:36:18,410 --> 00:36:21,378 [ Cheers and applause ] 796 00:36:27,252 --> 00:36:30,053 Uh, uh... 797 00:36:32,858 --> 00:36:35,058 Your Majesty! 798 00:36:35,093 --> 00:36:37,194 Your Majesty! 799 00:36:37,229 --> 00:36:39,162 Your Majesty! 800 00:36:39,198 --> 00:36:41,865 Your Majesty! Your Majesty! 801 00:36:41,900 --> 00:36:44,034 Uh... 802 00:36:44,069 --> 00:36:46,036 Your Majesty! Your Majesty! 803 00:36:46,071 --> 00:36:47,904 Aah! [ Crowd gasps ] 804 00:36:47,940 --> 00:36:51,575 Cry your mercy, Your Majesty! Pass not this way. 805 00:36:51,610 --> 00:36:54,177 T'would be mine honor to be sure 806 00:36:54,213 --> 00:36:57,080 thou dost not muddy thy most regal self. 807 00:36:58,550 --> 00:37:00,383 God save the queen! 808 00:37:00,419 --> 00:37:02,852 All: God save the queen! 809 00:37:05,724 --> 00:37:07,457 Better. 810 00:37:14,266 --> 00:37:16,032 [ Laughs ] 811 00:37:17,401 --> 00:37:21,538 Oh, my. Show me your jugs, and I'll show you mine. 812 00:37:21,573 --> 00:37:24,774 On these fairegrounds, it'd be not a crime. 813 00:37:24,810 --> 00:37:28,044 [ Laughter ] Oh, my, milady. 814 00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:30,547 Care to make a trade? 815 00:37:32,317 --> 00:37:34,551 What are you supposed to be? 816 00:37:34,586 --> 00:37:36,753 A princess? 817 00:37:36,788 --> 00:37:40,223 Nay, good sirs. I be William Shakespeare. 818 00:37:40,259 --> 00:37:43,059 Dost thou know of any of mine great writings? 819 00:37:43,095 --> 00:37:45,395 I want to fight. En garde! 820 00:37:45,430 --> 00:37:47,464 I'm gonna stab you in the butt. 821 00:37:47,499 --> 00:37:50,233 Pardon me, gentlemen. 822 00:37:50,269 --> 00:37:53,603 Words are but wind, ay, 823 00:37:53,639 --> 00:37:57,107 and break it in your face so he break it not behind. 824 00:37:57,142 --> 00:37:59,075 Pbht! 825 00:37:59,111 --> 00:38:01,111 [ Both laugh ] 826 00:38:08,954 --> 00:38:10,720 [ Chuckles ] 827 00:38:34,146 --> 00:38:35,979 Aah! 828 00:38:36,014 --> 00:38:37,747 [ Lisping ] Oh, I'm sorry. Were you asleep? 829 00:38:37,783 --> 00:38:40,116 Yes, very asleep. 830 00:38:40,152 --> 00:38:43,853 Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda. 831 00:38:43,889 --> 00:38:47,290 Sounds funny when you say it over and over again, doesn't it? 832 00:38:47,326 --> 00:38:51,661 My name, too. Helen, Helen, Helen. 833 00:38:51,697 --> 00:38:55,198 Oh, my God. The real live hooker. 834 00:38:55,233 --> 00:38:56,833 Not a hooker. 835 00:38:56,868 --> 00:38:58,868 I know you think I'm here to stab you to death, 836 00:38:58,904 --> 00:39:02,706 but the truth is, Amanda, we're square. 837 00:39:02,741 --> 00:39:05,041 We are? 838 00:39:05,077 --> 00:39:06,643 I may have lost the tip of my tongue, 839 00:39:09,815 --> 00:39:11,514 your whole life if what I hear is true, 840 00:39:11,550 --> 00:39:13,316 about you becoming a pub wench. 841 00:39:13,352 --> 00:39:15,785 Uh, how do you know all of this? 842 00:39:15,821 --> 00:39:19,089 Mama Klein and I came to a very lucrative agreement. 843 00:39:20,258 --> 00:39:21,891 [ Sighs ] 844 00:39:21,927 --> 00:39:24,561 Oh. Uh-huh. 845 00:39:24,596 --> 00:39:26,696 I get it. 846 00:39:26,732 --> 00:39:28,498 My mom paid you off. Uh-huh. 847 00:39:28,533 --> 00:39:30,233 So, what, you came here to scare me 848 00:39:30,268 --> 00:39:32,302 before you move to South America or something? 849 00:39:32,337 --> 00:39:34,571 South America? Ever heard of Zika? Nay. 850 00:39:34,606 --> 00:39:36,139 I'm here to reclaim my position 851 00:39:36,174 --> 00:39:38,641 as Lord Executioner on Her Majesty's court. 852 00:39:38,677 --> 00:39:42,679 Now I can travel the circuit in a tour bus with a hot tub. 853 00:39:42,714 --> 00:39:46,516 And one more thing. Brett -- small balls, right? 854 00:39:46,551 --> 00:39:51,688 Like, the shaft was good, but the balls -- like frozen peas. 855 00:40:02,934 --> 00:40:05,602 [ Water running ] 856 00:40:13,545 --> 00:40:15,612 [ Clears throat ] 857 00:40:24,222 --> 00:40:27,891 Little more on the left, no? Is it even? 858 00:40:29,795 --> 00:40:31,694 Seems a little chilly. 859 00:40:31,730 --> 00:40:33,863 Rad. 860 00:40:33,899 --> 00:40:35,765 Like, rad. 861 00:40:38,403 --> 00:40:40,370 Huzzah. 57758

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