Original subtitles

Don't you pay attention to the news?

They want to destroy our way of life, Mum.

I'm only protecting us.

With respect, your opinion's garbage.

That's the problem with free speech.

Great idea till you realize it applies to everybody.

Mum, it's true. People are coming into the country and taking all the jobs.

Oh, my God, I've raised a Tory.

Olive, the people coming into the country are you.

No, I was born here.

To an immigrant!

Immigrant! That's what Daddy said they're called.

Oh, did he? Well, I should stop taking all your jobs then.

Like scrubbing the toilet, cleaning the kitchen, tidying up...

Hey, no!

Take back control, Olive!

Make Britain great again by cleaning your own room.

I'm only doing the jobs you won't do.

So Leonardo DiCaprio drowned in Titanic

and then he never dated a woman over 25 ever, ever again.

Oh. There's Millie.

Beast! Let me tell the teacher she's been bullying you.

Oh, and make things worse? No way. She's very powerful.

Yesterday, she got all the other girls to say my coat was ugly.

That coat was Stella McCartney. Tasteless little ditch pig!

You can't say that about a child!

Can too, if I'm defending my child

and the child of Sir Paul and Linda McCartney.

From the vegan sausages? That's her mum?

Mums are very impressive. Apart from Millie's mum.

The only cow I'd happily slaughter.

I can manage things at school myself. Don't worry about me.

- You're really brave. Are you sure? - Yes.

- I don't want to be late. Love you! - Love ya. Happy birthday!

Excuse me, Jane?

- Your coat is ugly. - What are you talking about?

I have had it with your evil daughter and her demon mouth.

- Mum, I forgot my water bottle. - Oh, hey, sweetheart. Sorry. Here you go.

Have a good day.

Bye!

Love ya!

You need to sort your family out.

Katherine, I know the girls have had their differences, but...

Well, Millie is dyslexic, so things can get lost in translation.

Millie is dicks-lexic.

Mmm, dyslexic. Maybe a coffee morning?

- We can hash out a strategy. Just us mums! - No, no.

No more coffee mornings. None of you need more caffeine.

It would be easier to solve these problems

if you were just generally a little bit more involved with the PTA.

Maybe you could...

Maybe I could fuck your man.

I beg your pardon?

Yeah. I will come for your man every day of the week

until you are able to have some meaningful conversations

about empathy in your home.

It is not that hard to be a decent fucking mum!

♪ When I woke up I was thinking bout them diamonds ♪

♪ Gotta gotta gotta Gotta go mine them diamonds ♪

♪ Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds ♪

♪ Diamonds, diamonds Diamonds, diamonds ♪

♪ Really, really want it I really, really need it ♪

♪ Diamonds, diamonds Diamonds, diamonds ♪

♪ I really, really want it I really, really need it ♪

♪ Diamonds, diamonds Diamonds, diamonds ♪

Oh, I ordered paint.

Oh! You're not paint.

I could be paint.

Or I could be an incredibly handsome young dentist,

who's finished work early to take you girls out to dinner for Olive's birthday.

Oh, thank you. Honey, she loves peonies.

No, those are for you.

It's always just us on her birthday.

Oh, sounds very exclusive.

Yeah!

- Did you need to use the bathroom or... - No, no, I'm good.

Um...

You do know I'm more than a Saturday guy, right? I want to be a part of this family.

You are a part of this family.

An important peripheral part.

Well, I really want to be let in.

Paint!

Okay, so how about this weekend we do anal?

What? No, I meant "let in." 'Cause we were talking about...

That's not what... 'Cause that's... I mean...

I mean, I'll do it. Like, that's what I do,

but that's, um... That's... That's not what I meant.

Okay.

Say hi to Bev for me, will you? And, uh, tell Olive I said happy birthday.

I will. I love you.

See you later, weirdo.

Oh, and just, um...

text before you stop by next time.

Jesus.

Who was that?

Evan, showing up here in the middle of the day, unannounced.

Oh, my God, he's getting bold.

What, you've only been dating for what, five, six hundred days now?

Yeah. And now he's trying to take me to dinner.

Like, "Slow down, you thirsty little freak".

Yeah, babes. He is being thirsty, isn't he?

Turning up on your daughter's birthday, bringing flowers? Bin him!

I will bin him if he tries to change our arrangement.

I had it perfect. Bang him once a week,

live my life the rest of the time, and free dental.

Why can't I find a man who just wants to have casual sex?

Because you're over 30. That's why.

That's the landscape we're working in. Evan's lovely.

What he doesn't realize is he'll like me a whole lot less if he sees me more.

You gotta keep it to once a week, and that's the magic of our relationship.

- Mum! - Okay, here we go!

Here you go.

Okay.

You give me your helmet.

Aw.

Looks like nobody's home.

Oh, honey, it looks like I got the time wrong.

That's my fault, I'm sorry.

Dumb motherf...

Daddy!

Hey, sweetheart!

It's dangerous to sneak up like that,

'cause you know Daddy's got his boat heavily armed.

And speaks in the third person, and is a twat.

- Mummy got the time wrong. - Well, Mummy drinks. Time of what?

- Have you forgotten? - No, Olive, Daddy's only kidding.

He knows it's your birthday.

- Gotcha! - See?

Course I knew it was your birthday.

Hey, you are getting so big that I think it's time...

Every fucking year. Does she remind me?

No, she doesn't.

...for your very own...

...birthday dynamite!

- No! - Awesome!

I can honestly say I was only half expecting explosives.

Daddy, can we use it now to blow up some trout?

Aw. We'll go fishing this weekend, baby.

I think a family of mice died under the toilet. We can use them as bait.

Great. So let's just sing the song and then we can go.

♪ Happy birthday to... ♪

Um, no. Please, Mum and Dad, I'm not making a fuss this year.

But, Olive, it's tradition. It's your birthday.

You'll always be our baby.

- Would a baby have her own dynamite? - Uh, yeah!

Coolest dad ever. You're welcome!

All right. Well, we're really in a hurry, so let's go.

Aw, happy birthday, my sweet little angel girl.

I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

- I love you. - Love you, Dad. Bye!

Thank you.

Right. How old are you now?

- Thirty-three. - I'm nine.

And I'm not getting any younger, so could you please make her have my baby?

We do usually advise that children aren't present at these appointments.

It was my idea to come.

How dare you speak about my daughter like she isn't here?

This is her birthday present.

My apologies, Olive.

Thanks.

Coming to get the blood of a man is my main present.

- Blood? - Yeah.

I see.

What's your reason for wanting a child this way?

Well, my entire family are dead.

To me. So when Olive was born, I was all alone,

but now we have each other for support

and we both agree that we're ready for this next step.

And my dad is a pop star, so we'll take famous blood if you've got it.

Her dad was in a boy band.

Last one to get up off the stool.

Okay. So...

your test results show that if you're serious about growing your family,

Olive is wise to be in a hurry.

Thank you.

Egg production slows down dramatically for women approaching their mid-30s.

Your best chance of conceiving is to do it now.

Doctor, I'm only 33

and "it" looks about 16, so trust me, I have plenty of time.

Trust me, you don't.

We have donors in their late teens and early 20s.

- Ew. - They're match fit...

for a geriatric pregnancy.

What did you just call me?

Olive, we're leaving.

Great. Where are we going to get the blood from now?

She's a remarkable child.

I know! I did that!

I took her father's garbage cum and I turned it into a princess.

You should be begging me for my business. Begging me!

Oh, God!

How do any of you even have balls yet?

She's pretty.

I think I should have taken one of the boobs down slightly.

Nah, I think you're bang on with those. Maybe it's the angle of her dick.

- Oh, no, I enjoy that. - Listen, I can't stay late.

I've got a date night with Tom. I'm helping him put the kids to bed.

Reading stories is a two-man job?

Well, with my four, it is.

May I be excused until dinner, Mum?

You don't have to ask, gal, but yes, you may.

I know. But I saw it on TV and I prefer the formality.

You are so lucky to have her.

I found a full bucket of piss in Eddie's room the other day.

He'd been pissing up there for weeks,

- keeping it in a cupboard. - Men!

Ugh. Does it say in your jizz bible if any of the donors are gay?

- I'd love a nice gay son. - It should.

But it doesn't matter, I can't go back there. They're too young. Look.

It's like a high school yearbook.

Well, Cameron sounds good.

"Always got a friendly smile."

He's happy because he's a 19-year-old

who just quit his paper route to jerk off for cash.

You sure you can't just do this with Evan?

Yes. I've reached my maximum estranged baby's fathers.

Look. Shep's challenging, all right,

but, come on, Evan's hot. Evan's got a job.

Exactly. He could pay for better lawyers and destroy me when we split.

Why does your mind automatically go to the worst-case scenario?

What if you and Evan just worked out?

Now you sound insane.

There will be a problem with Evan. When I find out what it is,

I won't be tethered to him with a baby.

Don't have two then. You nailed it the first time.

What if I could nail it again?

You know what? If it'll stop you getting another mouse dog...

Look at 'em! They just shiver and piss from their eyes.

Oh, hey! Sorry about today.

Hey, it's okay. I just wanted to show you something.

It's a Thai restaurant called Thai Tanic.

Oh, that's the best one so far.

Uh, pretty sure it blows everything you've ever had out of the water.

It beats The Codfather and it beats Abrakebabra, baby.

Mmm, you're kicking my ass.

Oh, you will never beat Thai Tanic.

Oh, I will. One day, I will.

- I'm going to bed. Love you. - I love...

Millie's mummy told her you're terribly immature.

Ha! Millie's mummy is a mess.

And she also said that's why Daddy left you.

Is that true?

I love your Daddy very much.

Because he's such a clever man?

He is a genius.

Do you fancy my daddy?

Yep! How could I not? He's so gorgeous.

But then, how come my daddy's not your boyfriend?

That is because, um,

your dad's, like, too good for me.

Yeah. That's how amazing your daddy is.

- You've got a crush on my daddy! - Oh, big time!

- What's that? - Look!

I made it for Millie so that she'll be my friend.

Aw, honey, you don't have to be everyone's friend.

Daddy!

Stop doing that!

What are you doing here? You're supposed to do pick-up.

I thought you might like some meat for the dogs.

The dogs are vegan.

You can't have vegan dogs.

Birthday weekend! Yay!

I'll grab you after school and we'll have so much fun.

- We're gonna have a barbecue! Yeah! - Yay, meat!

- Bye, Mummy, love you. - Love you.

Oh, and Daddy?

My mummy's got a crush on you.

She misunderstood. I said I'm going to crush you.

Like I'd be afraid of a left-wing cunt who won't eat cheese.

Who said that? Shep? Oh, there you are. You blend in so well to your surroundings.

- You just get back from Afghanistan? - You look like an art dealer's widow.

Lucky her. My psychic promised me you'd be dead two years ago.

Unlikely. I'm one of the strongest men on the planet right now.

- Strongest smelling. - That smell is pure testosterone.

I gotta get back.

Bev and I are working on a big new commission from Adele.

She saw us in The Guardian.

The Guardian?

Adele?

Jealous someone's still making records? You...

Hold on. There's Millie.

- Kid that's been giving Olive a hard time? - Yeah.

Ah. I know her dad, Brian.

He's in my Pilates class.

Runs that plumbing business on the broadway.

Interesting.

- Motherfucker! - No! Leave it!

Leave it! You'll embarrass her.

I've given Olive a fundamental understanding of tae kwon do.

- She's choosing not to use it. - Let me fucking go!

Calm, calm. Woosah, woosah, huh?

Hey, see?

You do not get a say in how I parent my daughter.

She's not your daughter, shithead. She's our daughter.

Yeah. Thanks to me.

Stupid prick.

So she goes to pay her bill and the daughter says to me...

"Are you very poor? My house is much bigger than this ugly little office."

- No! - Six years old!

The entitlement is extraordinary.

You're never too young to be an asshole, though.

I hate to say it, but I regretted giving her such a good filling.

Another bottle?

Oh, yes, please, man. It was the Argentinian Malbec.

- You having a good night? - Yeah.

- A much-needed break from the little one? - Yeah.

Why would you agree with him?

I don't need a break from Olive. I like her.

Hey, I was just saying it's nice to be having this time,

- just the two of us occasionally. - Every weekend is not occasionally.

It's too long to be away from your own kid.

She's with her dad. I... I thought this was cool?

I wish she never went over there.

Then why do you let him see her?

Because he's her dad, and love don't cost a thing.

J. Lo. You're right, it's always J. Lo. Look...

I'm sorry, can...

Can we start again?

I just feel like I should be using this time to sleep.

Katherine, I didn't mean to offend you.

Sorry.

I've had a lot on my mind. Um...

I've been meaning to tell you...

Yeah?

I'm ready to have another baby.

Uh...

Okay.

This is a big step. This is bigger than what I thought you wanted, but...

You know what? Fuck it. Yes.

Yes, yes, yes. I'm in. I'm in, 100%.

- When do you want to start trying? - Soon.

Truth is, Katherine, uh, we're on exactly the same page.

How about this? How about we start with me moving in?

I've actually already got some boxes packed. I've got a little papoose.

I would never carry a hot drink over the baby.

That's out of the question. I'm very responsible in that sense.

Am I talking too much? Should I back up? I'll do whatever it takes,

- is what I'm trying to... - Um...

- ...say. - Okay...

- no. - No, okay.

I need to do this with a sperm donor. It's the safest way for me.

- Sperm don... - Here we are!

Can you give us a minute?

God, I thought you were being serious for a minute there.

- I'm not joking. - Yeah, right!

Yeah, you have a donor baby so that it's all yours

and you keep me at a safe distance so nothing changes for you.

Oh, fuck me, you mean it.

Well, I feel really badly about it, though.

Don't you love me?

I do love you. That's the problem. I hate Shep.

You were a 23-year-old girl who got pregnant by a lunatic in a boy band. You...

- You didn't love him. - But I thought I did.

Well, I'm not Shep.

I'm not gonna end up in rehab and lose my record deal,

because I don't have a record deal.

I have a medical degree.

I know you're not Shep, but you could hurt me way worse.

I just want us to keep dating.

I... I'm not breaking up with you.

Oh, you're not? That's... Ah, well, thank you very much.

Well, I don't wanna lose you!

Equally, I don't wanna be trapped with you. Do you understand?

Fuck me.

One minute!

A lot of waiters say one minute and then you never see them again, but me,

- I'm right in here. - Mate, can you fuck off?

How about I just take you straight home?

- But we made anal plans for your place. - Right.

That's what I'm saying. Let's leave that part of this evening out.

So just regular sex then?

Hey.

Okay, so you're panicking.

- Have I made a mistake? - Absolutely.

But it's not too late to say you were joking.

Olive can't be an only child.

That's what Beyoncé's parents said and then they had Solange.

Solange is the true visionary of that family and you know it.

Are you with Tom?

Only for a few minutes, when he farts himself awake.

God. It's sick, you know? People living with men.

No, I love him!

His sleepy little face.

Some of them aren't that bad, you know. You'll figure it out.

Look, at least you've got the rest of the weekend to catch up with work.

Hi, you've reached Dr. Evan Patterson. Leave a message.

♪ Why you sat 'round upset Looking all lazy? ♪

♪ I've been there too But I never let it faze me ♪

♪ I told my father I'm making a million ♪

♪ You'll discover, grow, love and live ♪

♪ You know that you can do this ♪

♪ Scared to shoot 'cause you might miss Didn't know your touch was Midas ♪

♪ It's all yours ♪

♪ Everything you want's for keeps Everything you wanna be ♪

♪ Don't fall short ♪

♪ You're closer than you've ever been ♪

♪ Higher than you've ever seen ♪

♪ It's all yours ♪

♪ Everything you want's for keeps Everything you wanna be ♪

♪ Everything you want ♪

♪ Don't fall short ♪

♪ You're closer than you've ever been Closer than you've ever been... ♪

Hi.

Hi.

I know that leaving Shep was hard,

and I admire all the sacrifices you've made,

and I don't blame you for being afraid.

Yes. Fearful. Not a bitch.

Yeah, well...

Well, a little bit of a bitch.

Look, I'm through paying for another guy's mistakes.

I don't want you only on the weekends.

I want you, but both of you, to be my first priorities all the time.

Think about it. You, by some miracle, got Olive out of Shep.

Shep!

Imagine what you could get out of a decent guy.

I did get Olive out of Shep.

I don't think it's your place to decide that a kid doesn't get a dad.

I love you.

And it's cold out here.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, come in.

What is the meaning of this?

My private naked photos!

Oh, Jane, we didn't want you to find out this way.

These appeared on my husband's desk in an envelope marked, "Urgent plumbing quote."

I mean, he was horrified when he opened it!

The truth is I wanted to tell you...

...about our ongoing love affair and he must have panicked.

My husband is not having an affair with you.

Mr. Michaels! Mr. Michaels!

- Wh... - Excuse me, Mr. Michaels.

I'm sorry, but Jane has just brought pornography into the playground.

Whoa, what?

It's wildly malicious, Mr. Michaels, but I've chosen not to press charges

against the school.

Oh, dear.

No! She's planted these in an attempt to seduce my husband!

Brian?

As physically disgusting and ham-colored as Brian may be,

you have to find it in your heart to forgive him

- for taking these naked pics. - They're bloody selfies!

Mrs. Wooms, I must respectfully request

that you remove yourself from school property at once,

because I'm almost certain what you've done here this morning is illegal.

Especially because you can see my pussy in this one.

- Oh, dear, just... - Thank you.

I am so sorry, Jane.

That was just a warning.

Mummy!

Hi! Oh!

Did you have a lovely time?

Yeah, I went swimming and I shot a squirrel in the face.

Wow.

Yeah. She's getting to be a really good little game hunter.

Bye, Daddy!

- See you later, Mum. Bye! - Bye.

She got all her shit pretty caked in mud at the survival class.

Great. I need to talk to you.

If this is about that meat for the dogs, I didn't know it was stolen.

I heard about that venison heist over my police scanner, same as everyone else.

No, I assumed it was stolen.

Grocery stores are giant corporate tax thieves anyway,

putting small butchers out of business.

I haven't set foot inside a Starbucks, any Starbucks, since they first opened.

Yeah, 'cause you're a rebel who's smarter than everybody else. I got that. Listen!

I am going to have another baby.

Yeah, I can tell. You look like shit.

It was either that or leukemia. Could have both.

No, I am not pregnant, you GI Joe crackhead.

I am going to have another baby,

with a sperm donor.

You're gonna stick some pathetic random loser's spunk up yourself?

Yeah.

Yours.

- What do you mean, mine? - Well, I've been thinking for some time

that, even though you are, by far, the worst human being that I have ever met

and I wish you a lifetime of pain and misery...

we somehow made the best kid.

And she needs a sibling.

I knew this would happen.

You knew what would happen?

- You want to get back on my dick. - Christ! No.

I've been to a fertility clinic. We would do it there.

Hmm.

Yeah, I'm gonna have expenses.

You've dedicated your entire life to being a wanker,

you might as well start getting paid for it. Fine.

It's an interesting proposition, Kit.

So is that a yes?

I'm gonna need some time to talk it over with my legal team.

Great.

Okay.

They love me.

Even when they hate me, they love me.

♪ You took the future ♪

♪ And you wrapped it up in plastic Wrapped it up in plastic ♪

♪ Suffocate the magic ♪

♪ I told ♪

♪ You so ♪

♪ I told ♪

♪ You so ♪