Original subtitles

(PHONE RINGING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

MAN: Hello? Tracey, it's Bradley.

Bradley, where the hell are you guys?

I am freaking out!

BRADLEY: Listen.

We fucked up.

What are you talking about?

Me and Doug are about to get married

and l haven't heard from him in two days.

Things got a little out of control last night and we. . .

We lost Doug.

The wedding is in a few hours!

ln Santa Barbara?

Yeah !

That's not gonna happen.

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Look, l know everyone's a little miffed

we couldn't do Vegas this year,

but l'm telling you, Chief Loose Slots is the next best thing.

l don't care where we have my bachelor party, guys.

All that matters is that we're celebrating together.

And that we don't have AlDS.

Anyway, l bet once you get inside, it's not so bad.

(BEEPS)

All right!

Hey, it's cute.

l am honestly impressed by how shitty this is.

You don't even need a blacklight to see all the stains.

Maybe that's yogurt.

Nah, it says right here in the pamphlet, it is semen.

Look, semen or no semen,

the important thing is that Doug

found his soulmate.

DOUG: Thanks, man.

Tracey just completes in me, you know?

Did you say, "Completes in you"?

(GROANS)

You know, that reminds of the love shared

between Peeta and Katniss in The...

l'm gonna need you to stop talking about that book.

No, l will not stop talking about a novel

that blogcritics.org/reviews said was "a page-turner."

Have you even read it?

l'd love to, man. lt's just hard to find time

to enroll in 7th grade and cut off my nuts.

Well then, maybe l'll find it hard to find time to share my goodies.

Oh, nice. What do you got in there?

l've got all kinds of fun stuff.

l have Chernobyl potato vodka,

standard-issue roofies,

l've got Chinese black tar heroin,

l've got drug mule rectum-release opium,

and some plug-in air fresheners.

How did that get in here?

All right. You got any bath salts?

Tons. Help yourself.

l've also got skunk, scoot, snap, flippers,

flappers, floppers, uppers, downers,

and cyanide chewables.

Cyanide? Poison is the best.

Hey! Those are my fun-time candies!

No. Uh-uh.

Every time we go out, we end up blacked out and looking for somebody.

Vegas. Thailand. My nephew Ruben's Bar Mitzvah.

Whatever, we got him back in time for the service.

Yeah, and then he puked all over the Torah.

(CHUCKLES) Classic.

No, not classic. That is a holy document.

(GROANS)

All right, let's just get Zach dressed and head to the roof.

Dressed?

Small request, you guys. Could somebody scratch my nuts?

l respectfully decline.

Non-alcoholic beer?

l told you. No risks tonight.

Pussy!

Excuse me, l was calling you a pussy.

All right.

Let's put our shitty rehab beers up

and toast Doug and Tracey.

l never thought your soulmate would have an Adam's apple and a penis,

but, hey, life's a journey, l guess.

We're happy for you, man.

Thanks, guys.

To Doug and Tracey.

BOTH: To Doug and Tracey.

And

to a night we'll never forget.

Those look really good.

Could you just pour it in my cone?

(GROANS)

What the fuck?

Oh, God.

(GROANlNG)

What?

Scuba guy on the ceiling. That makes sense.

Watch out!

Jesus!

You stepped on my balls, dude.

Sorry.

Where the hell are we?

Fuck if l know.

All l know is l am hungover as shit right now.

l think l'm legally dead.

And my mouth tastes assy.

Please tell me l ate cheese.

l don't know. My ass kind of hurts.

Oh, no! Did l do cocaine?

l'm deathly allergic to cocaine.

And l'm allergic to gluten.

ED: l hope that's gluten-free.

Oh, no.

Did we kill Waldo last night?

Um. . .

Maybe he was fucked to death.

(GAGGlNG)

(lN SlNG-SONG VOlCE) Morning, fellas!

Oh, god damn it, who let Zach out of the straitjacket?

ls that a man-thong?

No, it's a regular thong. l wear them all the time.

That's disgusting. (GAGGlNG)

Okay, we need to find Doug and get the hell out of here.

Somebody call him. Where's my phone?

Oh, holy shit. ls this a rocket launcher?

BRADLEY: Zach?

Dude!

Come on, we have to find Doug.

But that was. . .

Oh, my. Gentlemen, this is quite a mess.

Okay, this is awkward, but l'm just gonna go ahead and ask,

maid or hooker?

Manners! That is no way to speak to your escort.

l always ask. The answer's always the same.

lt's been real nice talking to you, but we're just gonna go.

l wouldn't do that.

Okay.

(SCREAMlNG)

We're on a fucking train?

l knew it!

That means you're Effie Trinket!

No, my name is Effing.

And the three of you are on your way to the Games.

We discussed this all after your courageous gesture.

EFFlNG: Why don't you look at your phone?

(CHATTER ON VlDEO)

Fucking Reaping, bitches!

ED: Oh, that's my phone.

Let me see it.

Doug's trying to kiss me again !

Doug, how you doing, buddy?

Fucking Reaping, bitches!

(ALL WHOOPlNG)

The first name of the girl...

Why is Lady Gaga on the screen?

And a happy Games goes to...

Change the channel !

...young Boo!

(BOOlNG) And now for the boys.

l volunteer!

We volunteer for the Hungover Games!

EFFlNG: What a wonderful development!

Three of our brave volunteers to add to the race.

May the chances be ever in your corner.

Attica! Attica!

Okay, okay.

Hey!

Oh !

(LAUGHlNG) Okay.

Will you keep it down?

l can hardly hear myself drink.

Haymitch !

That's not my name, you scruffy half-tard.

lt's Justmitch.

Look, l'm enjoying all of this.

l really am.

Especially that little blonde schoolgirl

situation you've got going on right there.

But right now we really just need to

find our friend and be on our way.

The Sponsors will eat that bromance shit up with a spoon.

Speaking of which.

Okay, let me guess, now you're gonna tell us how to win the Games?

lf you wanna live long enough to find your pansy little friend,

you'd best learn to listen to me.

lf there's two things l know, it's hangovers

and murdering for sport.

And, hey, if you're lucky enough,

one of y'all might get out of here alive.

Did you just say "one" of us? Mm-hmm.

Now if you'll excuse me, l gotta find a vein.

WOMAN ON TV: You're watching Capitol Sports.

Skip, it's my favorite time of the year.

The weather is warming, the tig ol' bitties is coming out

and right now, it's time for the Hungover Games!

A great competition shaping up this year.

Contestants from the Superheroes District

and the Middle Earth District are once again among the favorites.

The Puppet District and the Depp District are particularly intriguing to

Stephen A. Timplesmith.

Johnny Depp. ls there any weirdo this guy won't play?

Straight freak!

Next up, we have The Real Housewives of District 8.

Now these trashy bitches

have about a 0 % chance of surviving the Games.

White girls! Got me one at home.

Next up, we've got the Django District.

Now Django is tough, but let's get this straight, Skip.

He will never be LeBron.

Now, on the Django team

we have famed plantation owner, Calvin Dandy.

lronically, he's a good friend of mine.

All right, next up we have the Gratuitous Nudity District.

Dizzamn !

Everybody knows you cannot make entertainment like this

without some inexplicable, unwarranted nudity.

And finally our field is rounded out by our outlying districts.

AUTOMATED VOlCE: District 9, Avatar.

District 1 0, Horror.

District 1 1 , Katnip Everlean.

District 1 2, The Hungover Guys.

Hey! That looks like us and Doug !

Look, we've got about 48 hours to find him

and get him back to that wedding.

Okay.

l guess it's time for us to kill some motherfuckers.

(GlGGLES)

WOMAN: All right, l need three to run this drill. Let's go!

l have the power!

Come on, cunt.

Oh, foo. Another year, another murder.

What a crop of freakazoids.

(GRUNTlNG)

Stop swinging that in my face.

That is dangerous. That is not a toy!

Zach, will you stop? You're making us look like idiots.

No, Mr. l Can't Even Pick Up This Boulder.

(YELLlNG)

You're making us look bad in front of the Sponsors.

Why are they all dressed like that?

Looks like a Lady Gaga family reunion.

Look, you see that?

Our odds are pretty shitty right now.

ED: Hey, why do the puppets have better odds than us?

Go ahead and cross check your information.

Excuse me. Sorry, l hate to bother you with this,

but my friend is stuck.

World War Z, right?

No. Walking Dead, actually.

Oh, right, right. You were the one that bit

that guy's ear and then ate his face off, right?

Guilty.

So who else came from your district?

Just that crazy blood-covered bitch over there.

She scares the shit out of me.

l can see why.

Wow. Kaptain Kazakhstan is really rocking that burlap sack.

Look at the size of those Oompa Loompas.

You're welcome.

That's quite a bit of shrubbery he has down there.

Can you say, "Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia"?

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Listen.

They're looking at you like you're a meal.

Especially that flamboyant Scandinavian guy.

Ew.

He wants to roll you in sugar like a dick churro.

So what am l supposed to do?

They need to know that you can take a punch.

What?

Yeah. Trust me.

Okay.

(GROANlNG)

(GlGGLlNG)

Okay, l'm good.

All right, l'm good.

The elbow didn't count. Come on, come on.

Now, just remember, this hurts you more than it hurts me.

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHlNG)

Why, dude? Why?

l don't know. l forgot why we're even doing this.

(ED GROANlNG)

l'm pooped.

l want a vitamin water or something.

Not bad.

That means l need a vitamin water!

Okay, okay, l'll get it! l'll get a vitamin water for you !

Not again.

(GRUNTlNG)

My right nut is numb.

l can take a hit, Zach.

l can give one, too.

You ready for the thunder?

Well, here's the lightning !

Oh, son of a hooker, that hurt!

Hey, watch it!

Sorry, l didn't see anything, l swear to God !

My elbow may have grazed. . . Ed.

Hey. . .

Okay.

Uh. . .

How are you?

Hey. . . Hi.

. . .you.

Oh.

You don't remember me.

lt's Katnip.

Katnip Everlean.

l'm sorry. lt's just that last night, we. . .

You were wasted.

Yeah.

You guys bought us drinks after the Reaping.

You said you were going district-hopping, and you up and left.

Jeez! You guys clearly have a drinking problem !

Um, is that a talking bird?

l'm a talking jay, you birdbrain.

For a nerd, you're pretty dumb.

Sorry. He's really nice once you get to know him.

Yeah, just ask your mom.

That's rude.

Go away. How are you feeling, by the way?

Well, besides the raging hangover,

the free-for-all death match coming up,

and the shit taste l can't get out of my mouth,

l'm actually doing great.

Hey, look, it's Dumb and Dumberer.

A talking jay.

So elegant.

Hey, get your mitts off me!

Where'd you go to school, Penn State?

Wow, okay, yeah.

l'm not even gonna try to process that right now.

Excuse me?

lt's Katnip, Bradley. We met last night.

Yeah, Bradley.

Yeah, right, okay. About last night,

do you have any idea what happened to our friend, Doug?

Uh. . .

(LAUGHlNG) No. But l did wake up today and l saw you all volunteered.

That was really brave of you.

That is one word for it.

No, seriously. You guys were talking about it so much

you inspired me to do it.

That's why l took my little sister's place.

That was stupid. Sorry.

You have a little sister?

ls she into husky bearded guys with low-level personality disorders?

(YELLlNG)

Nice!

l like this girl.

That got more hand than apple.

(BUZZER RlNGS)

Attention, battlers, battlers, battlers.

The training center is now closed.

lt is time to die.

Make that work.

That's my catchphrase, you know. "Make that work."

WOMAN: Hello? A little help here?

AUTOMATED VOlCE: 20, 1 9, 1 8,

17,

1 6,

1 5,

1 4...

Doug ! Dougie! Doug man !

Doug? Doug?

Doug !

Doug? Where are you, man?

Where the fuck is he?

Doug? Doug?

Was that him?

Hey, sweetheart.

Looking for a white guy, yea high, generic, unfunny,

really forgettable. Was that him right now?

Come on, talk to me.

She's a goddamn mute or something.

Man, fuck you, white boy.

What are you guys doing here?

You need to get to your tube room immediately.

Okay, you don't have to manhandle me!

Oh, my tea!

You just got bubble tea all over my control panel.

Get him out of here!

1 6,

1 5,

1 4,

1 3, (LlFT CLANGS)

1 2...

Jeez, guys. Portion control much?

9,

8,

7,

6,

5,

4,

3,

2,

1 .

No, no, no! Don't step off the platform, we'll explode!

Oh, God.

MAN OVER PA: Now the contestants line up before the Pornucopia,

no doubt picking out the weapons they wanna grab.

Doug, Doug, come on, man. Where are you?

He must be on the other side of that tent full of. . .

What are those? Sex weapons?

ED: Where the fuck are we?

MAN: This is a great time to mention

that the weaponry has been provided by

Delta Venus, Queen of the Sex Toys.

(DRUMS POUNDlNG)

Let the killing begin !

Shit, come on ! Maybe we can find him before he gets slaughtered.

l got this. Yeah.

Fuck! My hammie! l should've stretched !

Oh, l should've stretched first!

(UPBEAT MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Yeah !

Holy cow. White wine! l hate white wine!

Okay, barrel roll !

BRADLEY: Shit, really? Are you all right?

At least tell me that looked awesome.

Yeah. Sure.

Oh, it's a red man. High five?

No? How about this?

You like?

Put penis away, kemosabe.

(ALL CHEERlNG)

ls that labia?

That is a bear!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait! No, no, no!

Doug must have come up right here! Where is he?

Fuck!

Whoa!

Come on, man.

Come back here!

Fuck! And where's Zach?

Well, hey there, boy.

Ow!

Goddamn women !

Don't mind if l do.

Now, now, don't do nothing foolish there, N-word.

l like the way you die, boy.

(SCREAMlNG)

Django's free!

Take that, black! Dude!

You like baseball, Jackie Robinson?

Oh !

TEDDY: Shit! Oh, that's cruel !

Hey, you thirsty? Here's some tea!

Teabag ! Oh, that's nasty.

That's real gross. Bag, bag, bag !

Please stop. Just please stop.

Wait, you want some fucking lemon? Yeah, bag it up!

Come on ! Jesus!

l know that looked bad, but, come on,

let's keep in mind that the purpose of this competition

is to kill people, yeah.

So that was technically not a hate crime.

l'm not a racist. l got like eight black guys on my fantasy football team.

l mean, not the quarterback obviously,

that's a thinking man's position.

Seriously?

(SHUDDERS)

Oh, no, not this!

Fuck this! Go!

Whatever.

(ALL GROAN)

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

l just watched Django get curb-stomped by a teddy bear,

two of our friends are MlA, and, oh, did l mention,

did l mention this, that my mouth still tastes like shit!

All right, dude, quit being a baby.

My ass still hurts, too. You don't hear me whining about it.

lt just won't go away.

BOTH: Oh !

What's happening, honkies?

What the hell? That Asian guy! Really?

What? Oriental man cannot practice acrobatics in the woods?

You racist assholes think l'm Viet Cong or something?

Wait, why the fuck are you here?

We had a sick night last night. l still hungover.

Just tell us what the fuck happened, okay?

You mean you don't remember?

No.

Human Centipede, bitches!

What's a Human Centipede?

Human Centipede only the greatest idea ever.

You sew a chain of people from asshole to mouth hole.

You share the same digestive system.

Check it out.

We shit brothers! Oh !

l was the middle.

No!

What the fuck? Fuck!

Why would we do that fucking. . . That's disgusting !

You have really potty mouth.

You get it? Potty mouth !

Because your mouth was potty.

(GAGGlNG)

Just let it out, man. (LAUGHlNG)

Wait, hold on. l was in the front, so l didn't eat any shit?

Nope. You were total party pooper.

Literally.

(CHUCKLlNG) Well, that's a relief, huh?

ED: That's disgusting.

(YAWNlNG) lt's getting really late.

You know what they say,

early to bed, early to Human Centipede.

l gotta go Human Centipede with the Olsen twins.

They've done it before.

See you gay boys later.

Let's find a place to sleep, buddy. lt's been a long day.

Oh, Jesus!

l didn't eat corn.

Yeah, l did.

(GROANlNG)

Shit, human shit inside me.

Hey, man, we've all been there.

Really?

Fuck, no, l've never been there.

lt's the most disgusting thing l've ever heard.

(CRYlNG) lt is real gross.

Hey, shit-for-breath, be quiet for a second.

Look over there. Someone's got a fire going.

That's dumb.

Yup.

MAN: l appreciate the spirited conversation, gentlemen,

but we all know there's no debate.

l am the weirdest of all the Depps.

l mean, for fuck's sake, l'm a pirate

who sashays round like a bloody poof.

And what of you there, top hat?

Well, l do have my fair share of psychological issues.

My speech patterns mirror those of sexual molesters.

l keep a bunch of dwarves as my slaves.

And l masturbate in the chocolate.

(GlGGLES)

Every single batch.

l think l might puke.

(WHlSTLES)

Nice work, Tonto.

Say good night, weirdos.

A bloody smoke signal !

You fucked us, you bloody Native!

Tonto sick of white man.

Yes, but we're all Depps, mate!

Tonto especially sick of Depps.

Are you gonna rape and murder us?

TEDDY: Keep it in your pants, Scissorhands.

Me next! Me next!

lf you don't mind, l prefer it in a chocolate factory.

That's brutal.

Now that's what l call a deep throat.

That means a dozen gone in the first eight hours, Stephen A. ,

and l think l smell an alliance forming.

What the fuck do you mean, an alliance?

lf it's supposed to be every man for themself,

they ain't gonna create no fucking alliance.

They're gonna be out there killing each other.

That don't make no goddamn sense!

l know. l can barely keep myself from killing you, Stephen A.

Can't fault you there.

THOR: That creepy, pale guy was bananas!

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

TEDDY: Hey, Thor, we get it. You like cock.

Fuck, dude.

Don't stay here, don't stay here, don't stay here.

Anyway, guys, l'm pooped. What say we just stay here for the night?

ZACH: Do you guys think there's a Chili's out here?

l'll settle for an Applebee's, but it would be grudgingly.

What the fuck is he doing with them?

l think he's looking for a reasonably priced casual dining restaurant.

Thor?

Awesome Blossom?

Tonto? Jalapeno poppers?

Something for you, Bloody?

lf you talk to me again, l will murder your whole family

and terrorize whatever little Podunk town you come from, you hear me?

Okay, more fully loaded potato skins for me then.

How about a bear claw?

Maybe a bun for the wiener?

All right, table for six, seven. Ladies?

You know, l don't think we fit the dress code.

Oh, it's a Chili's. You guys will be fine.

l kill him now, yes?

No.

Let's lock him in a burning gymnasium

and wait till his guttural screams slowly fade away.

TEDDY: Easy, Scary.

We need to keep that fat sack of Asperger's alive for now.

He's our best shot at finding those two other fuck nuggets.

Would you guys shush already? l need to get my beauty sleep.

(GROANS)

l'm never gonna be able to sleep now.

l'm gonna have insomnia for sure.

(SlGHS)

This was the worst day ever.

(SNORlNG)

What the. . .

Shit!

Jesus! Shut up, Ed.

Got hit with a fucking boulder.

Hey!

She seems friendly.

What are you nodding at?

l don't. . .

Use your fucking words!

She wants us to saw the hive off

so that it falls onto them below.

GlRL: No fuckin' shit.

Vulgar little child.

Oh, l have a Swiss Army knife.

Okay.

Uh, hey, you know, l'm not really athletic.

Do you mind just climbing up there?

Take one for the team? Come on.

Nice.

Oh, snap! Now looky here.

Them motherfucking hungover honkies got a trick up their sleeve.

ls that a Swagger Jacker nest, Skip?

Correct, you are. Now these guys are gonna have to be careful.

Swagger Jackers are no ordinary bees.

They are genetically engineered wasps

that when they sting you,

they drain your body's natural swagger supply.

ln other words, they make you a straight bitch.

Precisely. And just a few stings can prove lethal.

l'm crossing my fingers, Skip.

Me, too.

l know you aren't trying to cut down our nest!

Does that hurt?

Yes, it hurt!

Dude, don't be a pussy. Saw!

(SNORlNG)

Oh, God.

They're not gonna sleep in much longer. Hurry up, man !

(SWAGGER JACKERS CHATTERlNG)

Hurry up!

Get away from the nest, jerk-off!

TEDDY: Flew in my fucking hole!

(SHRlEKlNG)

TEDDY: Oh, shit! Got a bee in my cock.

(ALL SCREAMlNG)

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, you okay?

A couple of Swagger Jack-offs stung me.

(SLURRlNG) But l'm good.

Hey, hey, hey, sure? You don't look too good.

l don't feel too good.

No, no, no, no! Bradley!

l'm coming for you !

You guys see that?

(SCREAMlNG)

Shit! Shit!

This chubba has literally no swag.

Hey! l was looking all over for you guys!

(ALL GROANlNG)

BRADLEY: God, my face hurts.

Oh, l can feel my heartbeat in my ears.

lt's throbbing. lt's really loud.

Hey. Does my head look weird? lt's so loud.

No.

But your body is super tiny.

lt is?

Your body is super tiny, man.

Do l look okay?

Yeah.

You're cool.

l am cool, thank you.

This is napping cool time for me.

(GROANS)

This is a terrible pillow.

Sleep sounds good.

Hi.

l've missed you.

l've missed you, too, Katnip.

l'm only 1 7.

What?

Nothing.

l have something to show you.

ED: Yes.

Yes.

No!

Why?

Hey, are you having a wet hallucination, Ed?

Yeah, you know, a nocturnal emission?

God, just when l thought l couldn't hate you any more.

Hey, ease up. We didn't choose this way of life.

Yeah, it's no picnic.

You know how hard it is to motorboat yourself?

God, please don't do it.

This is the worst wet dream of my life.

See?

Zach, how can you even ruin boobs?

Hey, does my mouth look like a nipple?

Uh. . .

lt kinda does.

Okay, this is getting weird. Maybe we should wake him up.

Okay, okay, okay.

On my count.

One, two, three!

BOTH: Boom !

Bearded boobies!

(SHOUTlNG)

How long have we been out, man?

Couple days.

l've been licking your wounds.

What?

l've been watching you guys sleep, nursing you back to health.

Scrotal touching was just for medicinal purposes.

We saw those Swagger Jackers sting you, man. A lot.

Yeah, but their venom has no effect

if you have no swagger to jack.

Hold on a second.

What the hell were you doing with that gang, man?

You were gonna help them kill us?

You guys, l don't do well with peer pressure.

l didn't really want to murder you.

But you would have?

Oh, come on !

l'm sorry! l had a moment of weakness!

l nursed you back to health. Don't you feel swaggy?

Yeah.

l really do, actually.

lt's because of this.

Swagger Balm.

"lngredients, aloe, palm oil,

"and Kanye West extract?"

Tastes just like the real thing.

(GAGGlNG)

WOMAN: Hey, boys.

We thought we smelled some swagger.

Puts the rocks down, buddy.

(WHOOPlNG)

l just wanna get sloppy drunk and slutty!

Way too late for that, sweetheart.

l get the blondes.

Okay.

That's rich !

So then l divorced that asshole and took half of everything.

That's how l got my lucky charm.

ls it that ring? lt's lovely.

l'm not talking about that.

l'm talking about

this.

(LAUGHlNG) ls that a fucking ball?

Neat!

l told you, when l took half of everything, l meant half of everything.

You girls are such a treat.

Great! Here's to good friends!

And you two bitches.

Well, well, well,

if it isn't the popular girls.

Nice blood outfit, honey, but that's worse than pleather.

What is that, O positive?

Awful. So last season.

What is that, gas?

You got that on my Gucci dress!

Bitch !

What are you doing?

Do you know how much this cost?

Wait, l just wanna see where this is going !

Zach, let's go!

Game, set. . .

No! No!

. . .match !

(ALL SCREAMlNG)

WOMAN: My tits are gonna melt!

You wanted to see me, President Snowbama?

Tell me, have you ever been hungover?

Why, yes.

l'm actually hungover right now.

Never pass out in a crowded bar.

Yes, they shaved a dick on my face, sir.

These hungover contestants, people seem to care about them.

Yes? ls that a bad thing, sir?

The Games are a distraction

so people won't notice the crap we peddle out.

Sequels, remakes, spoofs.

When people start to care, bad things happen.

Ratings go down,

beards get shaved.

l've got it under control, sir.

lt's a kitty cat.

'Cause you're a little pussy.

Thank you, Mr. President.

(CANNON BLAST)

Shit! Any one of these cannon blasts could be Doug.

We don't even know if he's still alive.

Hey, l'm scared, too, but the one thing that's not gonna get us

back to that gay wedding is sitting here crying about it.

There should only be a handful of contestants left.

We can do this, man.

You guys.

Hey, since we're standing around sharing things,

l've got a doozy.

What the hell did you do, Zach?

You know the air fresheners that l plugged in?

Best thing you ever did. They were delightful.

Well, it wasn't Lilac or Morning Mist or Brazilian Breeze.

lt was Midnight Berry.

What the shit is Midnight Berry?

From the novels. lt's aromatic.

What's so bad about that?

Well, l didn't finish my thought.

lt's aromatic, poisonous and lethal.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Are you kidding me?

l think you guys are getting hung up on the fact

that it's poisonous and lethal.

They smell fresh.

Smell.

Jesus! Fuck, man !

God !

(GROANS)

Yeah, it says right here on the label,

"May cause transportation to futuristic dystopia."

"May."

You're the reason we're here, you sausage-fingered fuck!

This is all your fault!

Hey, you said you liked the scent!

Because l like floral scents!

Well, there, he said it!

So now l forgive you guys and we can move forward !

l. . . Ooh !

l hope you die out here.

No.

You fucked up.

That was harsh.

The sloth is heading towards the soup pot. Over.

MAN: 10-4, squaw without bra.

Nice.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Real nice.

Stupid Midnight Berry!

Why does something so fragrant have to be so bad?

(SlGHS)

Thank God, thank God. Thank God.

(WOMEN GlGGLlNG)

Get outta the way. Get outta the way.

Yeah, that's more like it.

There.

l thought l'd never say this, but Daddy wants blue balls.

MAN OVER PA: Attention, everyone. Attention.

We have some new rules for you kids.

From this point forward

contestants of color will be granted special consideration.

Yes, l'm talking about affirmative action, people.

Zach ! lt's the 21st century...

(SPEAKlNG OTHER LANGUAGE)

Whatever you say.

l think l speak for all of us when l ask you to give us some privacy.

With pleasure.

WOMAN: Boys, have at him.

Nice weave, bitch.

Her hair is all natural. Take that back!

You wanna kill her, you gotta kill me first.

(SCREAMS)

Blue scalp. Rarest of scalps.

Your turn, dumpy.

Yeah !

Gratuitous nudity no match for gratuitous violence.

Farewell, my princess.

(CRYlNG)

Maybe just one more squeeze.

Go in a bit tighter.

What the hell is he doing?

Nothing on three. l don't know.

Oh, no.

Vivian, would you please get lT in here?

Oy vey.

What up, bitches?

You fix computers?

Hell yeah !

l may be sociopathic gangster, but l'm still Asian, motherfuckers!

What?

No, no, no, l really don't think

you should be messing around with. . .

Finished !

Excellent.

Thank you.

We're back up, people.

Oh, come on, Zach ! That not cool.

(LAUGHlNG)

Excuse me. You may leave now.

What, l get no tip? No.

l take cash, credit, no check.

But l'll take a bump of coke.

All right, get the hell out of here.

Chop-chop!

(SlGHS)

What to do, what to do?

You wanna get the ratings up?

l got one word for you,

bromance.

That's not a real word.

You wanna give these districts a story?

Well, you need to keep these guys together.

Not separate.

Hmm.

l got one word for you,

heroin.

"Heroin" is the one word?

No.

l'm just really looking for some. You holding?

l'm sorry.

l got one word for you,

dicksauce.

"Dicksauce"? "Dicksauce" is the one word?

You can't buy that shit.

Well, thank you. Your time here has been so valuable.

(SHOUTS)

Bromance. Hmm.

(PANTlNG)

Hey, hey, hey.

ls that water?

Fuck it, l'm thirsty as hell !

Don't put your mouth on that. lt's gross.

Do you think it's filtered?

Really?

l only drink bottled water.

Didn't you just have shit in your mouth?

All right! Fine!

l didn't intentionally have shit in my mouth.

lt tastes a lot like blood, though.

(SPlTTlNG)

What?

MAN OVER PA: Check, check. Hot mic. Hot mic.

Attention, everyone. Attention.

There has been a change in the rules.

Yes, from now on, multiple victors may be crowned

if they survive the Games and share a long-standing bond

of exceptional male bromance.

They can do that?

Yes, l am allowed to do this.

l can do whatever the fuck l want, l'm a motherfucking Gamesman !

Noted.

So good luck to you all

and may the probabilities be ever to your liking.

So that means we can all get out of this alive.

All we have to do is find Doug and

Zach ! Zach ! Zach ! Zach !

BRADLEY: We're sorry, buddy!

Zach !

Where are you, man?

You dropped your glasses.

Hey, quick question.

lf they can just change the rules at any time,

why don't they just pick who they want to win and make it happen?

This is confusing to me.

Don't worry about it, man. lt's just a plot hole.

Hold on a sec. What?

Zach said they used these birds

to find each other in the book.

Like by whistling to them. Hmm.

Worth a shot.

(WHlSTLlNG)

Yeah, that worked.

Shut up.

All right, one more time. Damn it.

Sure, l'll help.

(BOTH WHlSTLlNG)

TALKlNG JAY: Suck my bird cock!

Come on ! Really?

Marco! Marco!

We don't have time for this!

Marco!

Why couldn't you just say, "Polo"?

There you are.

Listen, not that l give a hoot,

but your fat friend Zach's about a half mile away from here with Katnip.

How do you know?

A little birdie told me.

And by a little birdie, l mean a chickadee who gave me a beakjob.

You want to find this overgrown garden gnome?

Yeah. And Katnip. And stop fucking yelling, man.

TALKlNG JAY: Anyway, that's why l'm not allowed to go near schools anymore.

Good to know.

Yeah !

You guys! Oh, my God !

l missed you guys so much !

Yeah. Okay.

Where's Katnip?

She's over there.

You've got the talking jay!

Sorry, Bradley, but this guy just made me crap down your shirt.

Everything he says is so foul !

Yeah, he says disgusting stuff.

Come on !

Where are we going? Fuck.

Ooh.

Maybe l should tell her l'm. . .

No, no, l should not.

(SlGHS)

Wow, yeah, this is not. . .

This isn't pervy at all. Yes, it is.

Hey! Perverted ass cracker!

Hey!

Trees are nice here.

Ed !

Oh, my God, you're okay!

Hey!

Oh. . .

Um, that is a respect boner. A boner achieved out of respect.

Um. . .

You know l'm 1 7, right? La, la, la!

What? l can't hear you ! lt just got real loud in here!

Hey, guys, hey.

Hi.

No sign of Doug?

Nope. Nothing.

Wait a minute.

He came with your district. You were the last one to see him at the arena.

Do you have any idea where he went?

Well, do you feel like telling us?

Okay, l've had about enough of this.

Hey, hey, hey, come on !

That's like a triple hate crime.

Hey.

They're just looking for their friend.

Do you want to tell them? For me?

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

You got Norsed !

Shit!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, shit!

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

That took a while. Who wants to go get margaritas?

What the frick do we do now?

l don't know, Zach, it's been a while since

l've had to battle the God of Thunder!

Hey, blondie!

Pick on someone your own size!

(CHOKlNG)

Yeah ! Nice shot, Ed !

l just killed a god. Did you guys see. . .

Oh, shit.

Hey.

You okay? Come on, wake up.

You're a doctor, right? You can help her.

l'm a dentist.

Check her teeth.

ZACH: ♪ Ave Maria

♪ Gratia plena ♪

You guys wanna hear some Wu-Tang?

She was so young.

What a waste.

There, buddy.

She had so much ahead for her.

Her first kiss.

Her first handjob.

Her first bukkake.

Unless you guys wanna give her a send-off.

No. Wow.

She's at peace.

Or in some dark, endless abyss.

Wait.

We need to pay our respects.

With a salute.

Two in the pink.

One in the stink.

ALL: Forever.

Can l ask you a serious question?

Yeah, anything, man.

Which one's the pink and which one's the stink?

Because they're both pinkish.

And they both stink.

Yeah.

Remember when l told you to ask me anything?

Forget l said that.

You don't know, do you?

MAN OVER PA: Hello. Attention, everyone. Attention.

lt is my profound pleasure

to invite you all to

a feast!

Feast?

And this will be no ordinary occasion.

We know that you all want something

and you want it bad.

And we are aiming to be very generous hosts.

Now, there will be some weapons available,

but l strongly suggest that you all BYO weapon.

Because l don't wanna get blamed

if we run out like the last time.

That was embarrassing.

Oh !

l also really need someone to bring ice.

l had a sign-up sheet at the Reaping.

Nobody fucking chose ice. What's the big deal?

Come on, somebody. Be a rock star. Own it.

lce, out.

Has anyone seen a 7-Eleven out here?

Attention, everyone. Attention.

We are looking for a competitor named Harry Ballsonya.

Harry Ballsonya?

Please report to the control room immediately.

l repeat, Harry Ballsonya.

This will be the. . . (ALL GlGGLlNG)

Oh, damn it! Who did this?

Making me look like a fucking asshole!

(SHUSHlNG)

We really should have brought ice.

Don't worry about it.

Hey!

ls that a cell phone?

Maybe we can use it to call the wedding.

Stall them or something.

l'm on it. Hey!

l wouldn't do that.

See those lumps of dirt?

Dog poops.

Landmines.

lf you guys are gonna get through this, you better watch your step.

Check it out.

Hey, when you said, "you guys,"

are you not coming with us?

l need to go find Tonto and kill him,

but this is for you.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, if you. . .

lf you just wait, we'll go with you.

We can protect you.

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

Awww.

Oh, you're serious.

Yeah.

Look, the only reason l don't want you guys coming with me

is because you would completely fuck it up.

No offense. Oh.

Okay.

l really do love you.

Frankly, l'm surprised you're still alive.

Okay, got it.

Bye, Ed.

Yup, bye, Katnip.

Be safe. Yeah.

Try not to die.

Sorry, buddy. She'll be back.

Mm-hmm. Although unless she has a birthday

in the next couple of hours, she'll still be 1 7.

Yeah, got it.

l know we're in a futuristic dystopia and everything,

but jailbait is jailbait, brother.

Yeah, what dating site did you get her from? J-Bait?

Get it?

Not now, Zach. But good one.

Hey! Hey!

What the fuck are you doing?

What Katnip would do.

(EXCLAlMS)

Okay, l'm good. Oh, shit.

God damn it.

What?

Oh.

Hi.

You mind if l just grab a weapon?

(SCREAMS)

lt's too bad you couldn't help your friend.

A generic straight man. What was his name?

Doug.

And he's not a straight man.

Well, he's probably long dead.

And soon,

you'll be long dead, too.

(SCREAMlNG)

This is for threatening my friend !

This is for being a bitch to me in the woods!

This is for calling my hometown "Podunk"!

This is for not returning my sexts!

And this is for ruining the prom !

Yeah !

Holy fucking shit.

You just brutally murdered a young girl.

Yeah.

And the weird thing is l thought it would take more hits.

But l guess you live and learn.

Or at least, she doesn't. Am l right? Am l right?

Yeah, whatever you say.

Of course.

All right, look, we can still get out of this thing.

We just gotta get this bromance thing back in gear.

Oh, be careful ! Oh, Jesus.

lf you were Doug, where would you be?

Maybe these guys can help us find him.

Hey, little buddies.

How are my favorite imitation puppets doing?

Oh, fuck! My hammie, again !

Kick his ass!

Let's fuck him up!

Wait, wait! l thought you puppets were the good guys! What the fuck?

We used to be.

Yeah, but now we've stared death in the face.

We've seen the depths of human suffering.

And we're already dead inside.

Yeah.

That's awful.

My God, l'm sorry.

Come on, you bitch ! Yeah, you scared coward !

You're not man enough to fuck with me!

You wouldn't last two minutes in my world, you bitch !

ls that the Mike Tyson rant?

Fuck you. Fuck you, you ho.

l'll fuck your ass in front of everybody!

Yeah, that's definitely the Tyson.

Enough talk! Kill them !

(ALL CLAMORlNG)

(SCREAMlNG)

A mine is a terrible thing to waste.

That was actually a pretty good one, Zach.

Yeah? Yeah.

At least that was just my reader copy.

Guys, a little help?

You four-eyed fuck. You see this coming?

(SCREAMS)

Fuck me! Right in the smarts!

That's painful !

But also hilarious.

(MOANlNG)

That's my girl !

Oh, my God ! Oh, my God, you're hurt!

You should see the other guy.

You killed Tonto?

Yeah.

Come on, we need to get you in the shade. Can you walk?

lt's okay, l got you. l got you, l got you.

Move! Move!

lt's okay.

You all right? You're gonna be okay.

lt's okay, l got you. l got you.

l got you. There you go.

You're gonna be okay. lt's all right, it's not that bad.

(SHUSHlNG) Ed, it's okay.

No, no, no, it's not okay! You need help.

Ed, one of us had to die.

Well, l wish it was me.

Me, too.

What?

Sorry.

That slipped out. Sorry.

Yeah, that came out real fast.

lt's okay.

Um. . .

Speaking of,

Since this is it for me, do you want to see them?

See what?

My boobs, dummy.

l. . .

l would. Very much.

Okay.

l know you've been waiting for this.

Pretty nice, huh?

Unbelievable.

Wow.

No tan lines.

Unbelievable.

But if he'd move a little bit, l could see them better.

Ed? Yeah, yeah.

The light is starting to fade.

Will you look deep into my eyes as l fade away?

Absolutely, Katnip.

Ed, up here.

Yeah? l'm sorry. l love them.

l mean, l love you. l love all of you.

l know.

Goodbye.

l'll. . .

l'll see you soon enough.

Okay.

Wait, what's that supposed to mean?

Katnip?

Hey, do you know something l don't? Am l next?

(CANNON BLAST)

Yeah, she's dead, that'd be weird.

That'd be weird. l'm sorry.

l think it's time we made the call.

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

Tracey, it's Bradley.

MAN: l don't know who you are or what you want.

Fuck, l think l dialed the wrong number.

What l do have are a particular set of skills.

lf you give my daughter back to me now,

that'll be the end of it.

But if you don't...

Okay.

l will... (ENDS CALL)

Crazy.

Definitely not Tracey. Let me try again.

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hello?

Tracey, it's Bradley.

Hey, man, what's wrong?

l don't know.

The first girl l ever loved just died.

l watched you murder a girl with your bare hands.

We're as good as dead.

And the worst part is we lost our best friend.

That's what's wrong.

l can't help but accept some responsibility for this.

Yeah, no, l blame you for the majority of it.

Seriously? l mucked up the bachelor party.

l got us stuck in some weird alternate universe.

This whole thing just went right down the tubes!

l didn't even get to be a part of the Human effing Centipede.

What did you just say?

l don't care how awkward it is,

sharing a gastric system is a life experience.

l could have scrapbooked about it.

No, no, before that.

This whole thing went down the tubes.

Doug !

Are you having a flashback montage?

The tubes! l know where Doug is! Bradley!

Where are you guys? What's going on?

Bradley!

Bradley? Bradley?

Hey, Tracey! lt's Ed !

Ed ! Ed, what in the H-E-double hockey sticks is going on?

We're gonna go pick up Doug right now,

so don't you worry your pretty little man face about it.

Okay, but we gotta go. We'll see you real soon, bye!

What the fuck, man?

l know where Doug is! Come on ! Go!

Let's go, let's go!

Hello? Hello?

This is it! Doug's tube never came up!

What?

Well, if he's not down there, where the hell is he?

Okay, let's face it.

Doug's not in the tube.

There was no sign of him in the arena. He is gone.

That is a fact.

You fucking idiots!

(ALL GROANlNG)

God fucking damn it!

Jesus!

That bush is angry!

l'm not "that bush," you bearded piece of afterbirth !

lt's me! Doug !

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

Shut up! All you guys, just shut the fuck up!

You guys forget me all the fucking time!

ln Vegas! ln this fucked-up alternate universe!

Yeah.

l'm barely in the goddamn movie trailer!

lt's true, l don't even think he's on the poster.

l never get any punchlines,

and you keep leaving me in enclosed fucking places!

You think maybe we can talk to you about this at sea level?

Not this time.

This time, l get the last laugh.

Jeez, dude! Wait, wait, wait!

You're right! You're right! We're sorry.

We haven't given you your proper due.

You are the perfect blend of handsome and humorless.

Without you, there are no jokes.

Hell, without you, there is no us.

You may be a gay man,

but you are the best damn straight man we've ever met.

Ah !

l could never murder you guys.

(ALL SlGH)

You !

Wait here one second.

(ALL GRUNTlNG)

You guys!

That worked great!

l'm so glad you're alive, man !

Bradley, bring it in !

You guys, this is just perfect.

Nothing could possibly ruin this moment.

MAN OVER PA: Hello out there, everybody.

Hey, remember that earlier

"bromance revision" l was telling you guys about?

Well, you can forget about that.

There's only gonna be one winner of the Hungover Games.

So if you're a foursome of dudes who recently bro-conciled,

you're gonna have to kill each other.

You're just gonna have to fight to the death.

l'm sorry, l don't make up the rules.

Wait, l do.

l do make up the rules.

Suckers!

Well, good luck and may the odds be forever

in your blah-blah-blah, et cetera, et cetera.

This is gonna be good.

Nope. No way.

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Wait, why are all these weapons shaped like dicks?

All right, listen, guys. Listen up. Let's talk about this.

l can't die now. l'm about to get married.

l have a wife and kids at home.

l just lost Katnip! She was my everything.

She was also very much underage.

DOUG: Seriously?

Ed, buddy, there are laws against that.

You can't statutory rape your soulmate.

Jeepers creepers! You guys, don't you remember?

We're a brotherhood !

You heard the announcement. lt's every man for himself.

No! l have an idea.

We all need to eat these.

They're Midnight Berries. lt's the only way to end this.

That is what got us into this mess in the first place.

Yeah, these berries would kill us.

But the Capitol won't even let us swallow them.

They'd rather have four winners than no winner.

So before we even get these in our mouths

they'll cancel the whole thing.

You have to trust me.

Absolutely not.

Doubt me all you want, but don't doubt

my knowledge of young adult fiction.

l'm in.

What?

Me, too.

Really?

Fine.

Me, too. l'm in.

But only because l love you guys.

Okay.

On the count of three.

One.

Two.

Three.

What do we do now?

Come on ! Kinda tasty.

(GAGGlNG)

Zach, you dumb motherfucker!

What the. . .

Morning.

You guys sleep well?

Yeah.

Pretty well.

Anyone have floss?

l think l've got Midnight Berry seeds stuck in my teeth.

Wait, wait. What time is it?

lt's 1 0:00 a.m.

We'll never make the wedding.

Wanna bet?

You guys think you can take me out of the straitjacket now?

Guys, l am just so pumped to be a real member of this group.

lt's so cool you're gonna let me

have more lines in the next movie.

That's right, yeah. Totally gonna happen.

Yeah, more lines, definitely.

(TlRES SCREECH)

Come with me if you want to attend a gay wedding.

Sorry. Getting here was a real bloodbath.

What the fucksticks, you guys?

Honey,

l am so, so, so sorry.

You had better have a good explanation for this.

Trace, the last three days were, without a doubt,

the most backwards, fucked up, inexplicable experience of my entire life.

l saw brutal death.

l saw murderous talking puppets. l saw gay Thor.

But all l could think about was you.

Can you forgive me?

Well,

boys will be boys.

So are we gonna talk about last night?

Okay.

Whatever the hell we think happened,

it obviously didn't really happen.

Zach just got in our heads with that dumb book of his,

so just forget about it and move on.

l'm over it, too. l'm onto Fifty Shades now.

This rich guy is erotic.

You know what? You guys are wrong.

Over the course of one day, l loved,

l lost, and l almost died, like, 1 0 times.

You also ate a boatload of shit.

Thank you for the reminder.

But thankfully, it wasn't real.

You gotta let it go, man.

You know what? You can believe what you want,

but l know my connection with that girl was real.

There's a lot of wiener in this book.

But l'm not mad about it.

This probably would make a really good TV movie.

Get Alyssa Milano.

Oh.

Sorry.

So sorry about that. lt's been a bit of a. . .

Don't worry about it.

Wedding's that way.

(LAUGHS)

Well, it was nice bumping into you.

Hey, bud.

We gotta go.

l know. Do you. . .

What are you stammering about?

MAN: We are gathered here today to celebrate the pure

and magical love of

these two deeply, deeply passionate men.

Guys, that's her. l swear to God, she's right there.

Stop, man. There is no her.

Yeah. . . Do l need to set you up with a shrink?

l'm telling you, she's. . .

Dude.

Enough. Fine.

Letting it go.

Thank you. MAN: Some people say

love is nothing but a battlefield.

Not me.

These days, people don't view marriage as something to enjoy.

They view it as something to survive.

So Doug, Tracey,

with that, l say

may the odds be ever in your favor.

(UPBEAT MUSlC PLAYlNG)

This tree has a vagina.

(LAUGHlNG)