Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ Got a date a little later ♪

♪ When the moon is on the trail ♪

♪ With the cutest triple gaiter ♪

♪ My pretty little filly with the ponytail ♪

♪ Got a bag of oats to call with ♪

♪ Hay ♪

♪ I bring her by the bale ♪

♪ Want to share a double stall with ♪

♪ A pretty little filly with a ponytail ♪

Hey, Wilbur, how about giving me a carrot?

You've had enough carrots to eat. Finish your hay.

But carrots are good for my eyes.

Yes, Ed, I know.

You want to have a near-sighted horse?

Ed, finish your hay, and then you can have a carrot.

Okay.

Hey, Ed, listen to this.

"Missile scientist to send horse on space flight."

You're kidding.

"Major Dinehart, in charge of the project,

"plans to send a horse up in a new missile,

similar in design to the one used by the astronauts."

Well, what do you know?

That's what makes this a great country--

sending a man up first to see if it's safe for a horse.

"Major Dinehart explains the reason

"for using a horse in the experiment

"is that the average horse

is equal to the weight of five men."

Yep. We're heavier and smarter.

Just think, Ed,

the horse that makes that first space flight

will be the most famous horse in history.

Wilbur, where do I go to enlist?

You?

What's so funny?

You're too lazy to even walk out of this barn.

All you think about is carrots, carrots, carrots.

Oh, I can break the habit any time I want.

Oh, I can believe that.

I wouldn't eat a carrot

if you waved it in front of my nose right now.

Right now?

Yeah.

You tricked me.

I told you horses are smarter than people.

I tell you, Carol, this is a wonderful opportunity for Wilbur and me.

It sounds so exciting.

Sweetie, if this deal goes through,

he and Wilbur stand to make a barrel of money.

Well, roll out the barrel.

What's going on here?

Wilbur, do you know

that property I own on Lancaster Boulevard?

Yeah, what about it?

A very big builder, Harold Mencken,

has agreed to put up a shopping center on it,

if I can find an architect with imagination

to come up with some new ideas that will interest him.

A shopping center, huh?

The biggest. A really colossal one.

My doll is building a little playground for Mother.

Carol, do you hear that? A shopping center.

Isn't it wonderful, Wilbur?

You've always wanted to express yourself artistically.

How much time do you think you'll need to come up with some ideas?

Oh, I figure a few days for research,

few more days for preliminary sketches,

and a final draft in a couple of weeks.

No good. By that time, Mencken may lose interest in the project.

What's the soonest you could have some plans ready?

How about half an hour?

Now you're talking.

I once had an idea for a shopping center

where each store represented a different country.

What did you have in mind?

I was thinking about an English haberdashery,

a Swedish massage parlor,

- a German bakery-- - Honey.

Aren't you going to have any American stores?

Sure, two.

Chop suey joint and a pizza parlor.

You crazy thing.

[both hum]

All finished. Ed, here's my sketch for the new shopping center,

with every service you could think of.

Except one.

What's that?

A horse wash.

Ed, I got news for you.

When people go shopping these days,

they go in their car.

- I know. - Horses are a thing of the past.

Well, once they send that first horse into space,

we'll come back stronger than ever.

You've been talking about this for days,

but I don't see you volunteering for the trip.

Well, I may look like a dumb animal,

but I'm not stupid.

Tell the truth, Ed. You're chicken.

Right down to my pinfeathers.

How can a horse be a chicken?

Wilbur, this is Mr. Mencken.

Oh, hello Mr. Mencken. I've been looking forward to meeting you, sir.

How do you do?

I just finished the, uh, rough sketch for our shopping center.

If you'll excuse me, Mr. Mencken,

I know you two have a lot to discuss.

Could you get lunch, hon, yeah?

Mr. Post, is this where you work?

Yes, yes. I find this very comfortable.

Don't you find the horse a little disturbing?

Ed? Oh, no. No.

As a matter of fact, we've been together so long,

I'm thinking of making him a junior partner.

Well, I think first we should go over the sketch step by step.

Look, would you mind closing that stall door?

I'm allergic to hay.

Certainly.

Well, I'm sure Mr. Addison explained to you

that I'm designing this shopping center

with an international flavor.

In approaching the arcade, you drive through this Roman arch.

Mr. Post, do you always sharpen your carrots?

My junior partner.

Yes, now this area in the center over here--

This is a parking lot with a gas station.

Alongside that, we have the horse wash.

This is the entrance that you go through

to get to the shopping arcade.

Horse wash?

Oh, car wash.

The arcade itself consists of a German bakery,

English haberdashery--

A Parisian beauty salon, a Swedish massage parlor...

Honey, did Mr. Mencken call when I was out?

Not yet, dear.

Stop worrying so much.

I can't help it.

Yesterday, when he took my sketches with him,

he didn't seem too enthusiastic.

Oh, I just know he'll love your ideas.

How do you know?

Because I like them.

Does that make you feel any better?

It would, if you were Mr. Mencken.

Do you still wish I were Mr. Mencken?

Until those contracts are signed, yes.

You're just a sweet, crazy, mixed-up architect.

Add the word stupid, and you've got it.

I just had lunch with Mencken.

I don't think you made a very favorable impression.

- I didn't? - I'm afraid not.

He stuck me with the check.

He didn't like Wilbur's sketches?

Oh, he thought they were interesting,

but he has a complete lack of faith in the architect.

Roger, that doesn't make sense.

Mencken said any man who shares his office with a horse

and sharpens carrots must be some kind of kook.

Well, didn't you say anything in my defense?

No. It's hard to argue with a man

when you agree with him.

So the deal is off?

Not entirely. I convinced Mencken

that Wilbur was only using the barn temporarily,

until they gotp5 through redecorating his regular office downtown.

- But Roger, that's a lie. - The biggest.

But to close this deal,

I will lie, beg, borrow or steal.

And if you don't come up with an office by tomorrow,

you can add murder to that list.

I've worked back there so long,

I'd feel lost anywhere else.

And why should Mencken care where I work,

as long as my work is good?

Honey, maybe Roger is right.

I mean, let's face it,

a barn doesn't make a very impressive office.

But I like working at home,

where I have companionship.

Someone who cares.

Someone who gives me inspiration.

Someone who loves me for what I am,

not just for the oats and hay he can get out of me.

I think maybe you ought to get that office downtown.

Hey, what are you doing?

Uh-oh.

What is going on here?

Well, people pitch horseshoes.

Pitch your own shoes. I just polished these.

Sorry, Wilbur.

I was just killing time

till you got here for our chess game.

Oh. Well, maybe a little later, Ed.

I've got a lot of things on my mind right now.

Okay.

Ed, don't you sometimes feel

a little cramped in here?

Cramped?

Well, what I mean is, Ed,

this is your barn, and I feel that I sort of moved in on you.

If it'll make you feel any better, pay me rent.

No, Ed.

You know, when I work here late at night,

I feel sometimes that the noise I make might be keeping you up.

No, I never go to sleep until The Late Late Show is over.

Ed, what would you say if I took an office downtown?

Wilbur, I just made a--

Will you please put that animal back in his stall?

He's caused enough trouble around here.

All right. Come on, Ed. Back in the stall.

We'd have had the contract signed long ago

if it wasn't for this silly horse.

I'm sorry, Rog.

That was an accident.

I'm not so sure.

But anyway, I made a phone call.

I got you a beautiful office

in the new Brill building downtown.

Well, Rog, I haven't made up my mind yet.

Believe me, you have no choice.

We've got a great deal at stake.

It may not be too late to win Mencken over.

And besides, this project can put you right up there

among the leading architects of the country.

Well, I need time.

Time? You've got 15 minutes to make up your mind,

whether you want to be an architect or a stable boy.

Gee.

Don't feel too bad, Ed.

He didn't mean what he said.

He's right. Maybe you ought to take that office downtown.

- Don't say that. - Well, it's true.

There's a time when one has to stand on his own four feet.

Come on now, Ed.

I can get my work done without you.

I mean, if I had to.

Then prove it.

Tell old vinegar-puss you'll take that office.

Okay.

I'll miss you, Ed.

Please, Wilbur, let's not get sloppy.

Just go, and don't look back.

[sniffles]

Don't look.

[sniffles]

You always hurt the one you love.

"And I would appreciate receiving your estimate

"for the lumber on the Mencken project

"at your earliest possible convenience."

You got that, Miss Culbertson?

Yes, Mr. Post.

Mr. Post.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Miss Culbertson.

There was a fly on your nose.

Well, where were we, Ed?

Uh, Miss Culbertson.

This letter to the Gray Lumber Company.

Fine. Would you please type it out? I'll send it.

Yes, sir.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hi, Ed. I was hoping I'd hear from you. You okay?

Yeah. I just wanted to find out where you stashed the carrots.

Ed, I told you to stop eating those carrots between meals.

Eat your hay.

But this last bale of hay you got me

is not for horses.

It's for the birds.

Oh, stop complaining.

I buy your hay at the best feed store in town.

Well, all right. If you must have carrots,

they're above my desk on the top shelf.

You can't reach them?

- [chomping] - Well, I'll tell you what you do.

Put a chair in your mouth

and put your chair on top of the desk.

See?

Now, stand with your hind feet on the floor

and your front feet on the chair. You got it?

Are you kidding?

This is one horse that's never going into space.

Look, Ed, I'll be home about--

Oh. Yes, Miss Culbertson?

I just wanted to remind you about your 2:00 appointment

with Mr. Mencken and Mr. Addison.

Thank you, Miss Culbertson.

Ed, I'll be home about 6:00.

Okay.

Honey, we did it.

Enter the conquering heroes.

Oh, Wilbur, I'm so happy.

Just think, your international shopping center

will finally become a reality.

Honey, you're going to have charge accounts

in five different languages.

Oh, this calls for a celebration.

Everything on me. The champagne will flow like water.

If you're paying, it will be water.

Oh, no, no, no, my dear.

Tonight, I'm going all out.

We'll take in a show, we'll have a great dinner,

we'll go to a nightclub.

Nothing's too good for Wilbur.

Tonight, my boy, you'll be queen for a day.

We'd better hurry if I'm going to be dressed in time.

Come, Diamond Jim.

You go ahead upstairs and get dressed.

I'll go check on Ed.

All right, darling.

Congratulations, darling.

[hums]

♪ A little later ♪

♪ When the moon is on the trail ♪

♪ With a cutie ♪

Hi, Ed. Good to see you, boy.

Good to see you, too.

I've got the chess board all set up.

Oh, I can't play, Ed.

We just signed that deal with Mencken,

and tonight we're going out to celebrate.

But I didn't see you last night or the night before.

I'm sorry, Ed, but now that I'm spending all day long in the office,

Carol feels I should spend my evenings with her.

Well, if you spend the evenings with her,

when will I see you?

Sunday morning, we can still take our little ride in the park.

Gee, Wilbur.

Sleep well, Ed.

In the morning, I'll check in on you on my way to work.

[mocking] "Sleep well. In the morning,

I'll check in on you on my way to work."

But he doesn't need me anymore.

There's only one thing left to do--

volunteer.

Well, Mom always said I was a dizzy kid.

Well, here I go.

Okay, guard, you can go to lunch now.

Hey, Charlie, what are you doing, putting me on?

- What? - Come off of it.

Didn't you tell me to go to lunch?

You're standing in the sun too long.

Well, Major Dinehart is waiting to process them.

Now, which one should I take first?

Well, why don't you ask for volunteers?

Oh, you're a funny man.

First candidate.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hm.

Interesting-looking specimen.

Well, he seems strong enough,

but he doesn't look overly intelligent.

[sneezes]

Hey, Major, Major, did you see that?

What?

I sneezed, and he took the handkerchief

right out of my pocket.

Purely coincidental.

He was attracted by the color of your handkerchief.

Well, we've got a long day ahead,

so we better get on with the examination.

What did I do with my stethoscope?

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

How about that?

I think we'll skip the physical

and get right on with the intelligence test.

He seems the right weight.

Major, is this the test?

Oh, yes.

Well, how does it work?

Well, the horse that we'll be sending into space

will have to be quite intelligent,

so this memory test will help us select the right animal.

Oh, it's a memory test, huh?

Oh, yes. You see, each of these boxes contains a carrot.

Now, one of these boxes is charged with electricity.

If the horse has intelligence enough,

after a few shocks,

he'll soon learn to avoid the charged box.

Hey, that's pretty good, Major. That's pretty good.

All right, bring him over.

Come on, horse. Come on.

Come on.

Whoa, whoa. All right, boy.

Here you are, some nice, juicy carrots.

Help yourself.

Hello. Animal shelter?

This is Mr. Post again.

Has my horse turned up yet?

Please, it's been two days.

Well, if you should have any news,

would you call me right away?

Yeah. Thank you very much.

Wilbur, I know where Mister Ed is.

Where, where?

Now, promise me you won't get excited.

I'm not excited. Where is he?

Honey, be calm. Now, sit down.

Look.

No. No.

Oh, no.

No.

Wilbur, where are you going?

To the Army missile base.

I didn't raise my horse to be a soldier.

Big deal.

Agent, Major, we're almost ready for the blast-off.

Fine. Excellent.

Take him out and weigh him in.

Yes, sir.

All right, come on, boy.

A-Okay, horsetronaut.

Where do you think you're going?

My horse, they're sending him into space. I got to stop him.

Sorry, buddy, but no one's allowed in here without a security pass.

It's all a mistake.

You see, my horse really doesn't want to go.

He feels that I don't need him anymore.

I should have taken out more time to play chess with him.

Attention, field crew.

Continuing countdown.

6,

5,

4,

3,

2,

1.

[rocket blasts off]

Goodbye, Ed.

Sorry, Ed.

Never should have taken that office.

I never should have left you.

Hello, Earth man.

Ed.

What happened? Why aren't you up there?

At the last minute, they picked another horse.

Another? Why?

At the weigh-in, I was 42 pounds too heavy for the capsule.

Ed, what luck.

Luck, nothing.

For the last two days,

I had to eat like a horse to make it.

Welcome home.

Come on, your move.

[radio] We interrupt this program for a special news bulletin.

Sparky, the first horsetronaut to be shot into space,

has just been recovered at sea

and appears to be in excellent condition.

More on this later.

Ed, how about that?

I'm glad one of my boys made it.

Tell the truth, Ed.

Aren't you sorry now you didn't go?

Are you sorry you're giving up your new office?

Ah, I'm glad.

Then I'm glad, too.

And if you miss your secretary,

I'll be glad to learn shorthand.

Your move.

Move!

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.