Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello, I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Ed.

You don't have to do that.

I don't mind.

My mother said, "If you don't keep a place clean,

it gets to look like a stable."

Well, Ed, I've got news for you.

Uh-oh.

Carol and I have decided to spend a few days

up at Bill Parker's lodge in the mountains.

I need a change.

Oh, so do I.

I'll pack a few things and meet you kids out front.

[humming theme song]

Ed, we're not leaving yet,

and we can't take you along anyway.

Now, wait a minute, Wilbur.

You always tell me I'm one of the family.

Is that right?

Sure.

Then how come every time you take a trip

I suddenly become a horse again?

Stop talking like a baby.

Well--

Roger is going to feed you and take care of you

until we get back.

Big deal.

That old sour puss hates me.

He does not.

Okay, so I hate him.

Please take me along, Wilbur.

I've never gone fishing.

Fishing?

Who ever heard of a horse fishing?

Oh, if you're going to bring that up,

who ever heard of a horse talking?

Please take me along.

I'm a little tired of being cooped up in this old stable.

Where would you expect to live?

Well, this is America,

where even a horse can dream of living in the White House.

Pine Lake Lodge.

Oh, I bet the weather is beautiful there.

[thunder]

[phone rings]

I'll get it, Martha.

Pine Lake Lodge, Bill Parker, proprietor speaking.

Wilber Post!

How are you, Wilbur?

Great.

Thinking of coming up?

Fine.

The weather?

[thunder]

Couldn't be more beautiful.

Oh, of course have your wife bring her bathing suit.

She'll need it.

Reservations?

Just a minute, Wilbur.

Martha, we got any empty rooms?

14 of them.

Yeah, we got-- I mean,

we can just squeeze you in.

We'll be expecting you.

Fine.

"Just squeeze you in."

"The weather couldn't be more beautiful."

Tell me, Mr. Parker,

how do you make up things like that?

Martha, I'm a very truthful man.

And as soon as Mr. Post registers,

I'll tell him the truth.

That I lied.

Oh, honey, I'm so glad I finally got you

to go away for a weekend.

The rest will do you a world of good.

- Come on. Let's go. - Okay.

Are you going to carry that with you?

Yeah, uh-huh.

Honey, I better go see if Mister Ed's all right.

Hurry, Wilbur, or we'll get stuck in traffic.

Don't worry.

S.P.C.A.?

I want to report a neglected horse.

His owners are leaving him for the weekend

in a cold, drafty stall.

[coughs]

Hear him coughing?

The name of the guilty party?

Well, it's Wilbur--

Ed, what are you doing?

I'm calling the bureau of missing horses.

Why?

The minute you go, I'm leaving this chicken outfit.

Look, I tried to explain to you, we can't take you along.

Hm, you're taking your wife.

Well, that's different. We're married.

You mean because I'm single I'm staying home?

Ed, cheer up.

I told you the Addisons are going to look after you.

Now, you just read your books.

See you Monday.

Oh, uh, Wilbur?

Huh?

Drive carefully.

You're all I have.

Mushy.

Oh, Martha,

Wilbur and Carol Post are checking in today.

Did you change the linen in room 12?

What for? Nobody's used it for three years.

Hey, what's this about a town meeting here this morning?

Well, Ida Brenner's trying to raise some more money

for the children's camp.

[Martha] Hm, you better keep your Uncle Bill away.

He's probably still paying off the pledges from last year.

You're so right.

But don't worry. I sent him off fishing an hour ago.

By the time he gets back--

He is back.

Uncle Bill!

You said you were going fishing.

That's right. After the meeting.

But, Uncle Bill--

Now, Annie, you haven't got a thing to worry about.

I won't open my mouth.

I'll just sit there quietly in the front row.

And why can't you just sit there quietly in the back row?

Because nobody can hear me from there.

[applause]

Thank you.

Thank you for you contribution, Mr. Finiley.

Well, some of you have donated very generously

to our Pine Lake summer camp.

But we still need $350 if those children

are going to have their tables and benches.

Now, won't somebody volunteer

to donate just a small part of the money?

Please, friends.

How about someone who hasn't contributed yet?

How about starting it off with $25?

uh...

Will somebody please raise his hand?

Oh, come, neighbors.

Remember, this is a very worthy cause.

How about $15?

Friends, we have to have $350 for the tables and benches.

Oh, won't somebody help raise the fund?

I can't raise my hands,

but I'll raise the money, y'all.

Oh!

[applause]

I knew we could depend on you, Bill Parker.

Yeah, I'll get all the furniture those children need.

You can depend on me, Ida.

Well, if you say so Bill, that's good enough for me.

Meeting's adjourned.

[chatter]

Well, you did it again, Big Daddy.

Look, Annie, I've got everything all figured out.

I'll do the work and Dave Miller will donate the lumber.

It won't cost a cent.

[chuckles]

And just what makes you so sure he'll donate the lumber?

Because I know Dave Miller.

That man's got a heart of gold.

When he hears about those poor kids,

he'll turn over his whole lumberyard to me.

Hello, Elsie, get me Dave Miller at the lumberyard.

Oh, you better fix up the room for the Posts.

They'll be here at 3 o'clock.

Yes, chief.

The lumber is as good as in my workshop.

Hello, Dave.

Bill Parker.

Yeah, I'm fine, Dave.

Say, Dave, look,

I just volunteered to build some furniture

for the summer camp,

and I thought maybe you'd like to contribute to--

A few hundred board feet of pine.

But, Dave, it's for those poor kids.

Look, Dave, you were a kid once yourself.

The stingiest kid in town and you haven't changed a bit.

[grumbling]

Let's see, 40 kids--

That's about 1,200 feet of lumber.

50 cents a foot-- That's $600.

Where am I going to get $600?

[Milo] Hello, Bill.

Oh, hello, Milo.

Beautiful day, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, it sure is, money.

I mean, Milo.

Here, sit down.

Let me dust off a place for you.

Sit right down there. That's it.

Thank you, Bill.

Have any luck? Catch anything?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Caught this.

Oh, by yiminy, that's a beauty.

- Yeah, it's all yours. - Oh, no, no.

Oh, I insist.

- I couldn't. - Milo, it's yours.

Thank you.

This is very generous of you, Bill.

Oh, generous. Look who's calling me generous.

Milo, I would say that you are

about the most generous man in these parts.

Oh, no, you don't.

I heard all about you offering to give that summer camp

all the benches and chairs.

You open your mouth

and now you're trying to put my foot in it.

Forget it. You're right. It's my problem, not yours.

Yeah.

I''ll figure out a way to get that wood.

Don't worry. I'll--

- Milo... - Huh?

You know, there's enough wood in one of those trees

to furnish three summer camps.

Yeah, but you don't think that old skin-trilling Thompson

is going to give it to you, do you?

Uh, fat chance of that.

- But, Milo... - Huh?

Suppose by some act of nature,

one of those trees suddenly...

fell over.

And would that act of nature maybe be

one man with a saw?

No, two men with a saw.

No, no, one man with a saw. Good-bye.

No, no, Milo, wait a minute.

No, no, sit down, Milo.

I'll think of somethléing

Pardon me, gentlemen.

I'm taking pictures for my birdwatchers group.

Have you seen a speckled-coated sparrow around here?

Lady, can you handle a two-man saw?

I beg your pardon?

Then, the bird went that way.

Bill, you will never get anybody to help you.

Oh, don't be too sure.

Wilbur Post will be checking in in about an hour.

Oh, forget about it, Bill.

He will never help you chop down a tree that don't belong to you.

Milo, you know it don't belong to me.

I know it don't belong to me.

Now, if this fish will keep his little trap shut,

Wilbur will never know, will he?

No.

[chuckles]

Inn keeper, food and drink for the weary traveler.

Oh, it's good to see you.

Hello, and it's so good to see you.

Oh, Wilbur.

And Cindy, my, how you've grown.

Can I have a kiss?

Can I have a penny?

Cindy, little girls don't ask men for pennies.

That's right.

They grow up, marry them, and then take it all.

[Bill] Wilbur!

Bill!

- Carol. - Hello, Bill.

Well, it's about time you two got here.

We would've got here sooner,

but we got stuck in the beautiful weather.

Oh, yeah. Well, it's cleared up now.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Bill's got the whole weekend planned for you, Wilbur.

Yeah, you know, the first thing you're going to do tomorrow morning?

Yeah, sleep until noon.

This is strictly a rest cure for me, Bill.

I'm going to plant myself in that old rocking chair

and let the fat grow.

Now, you've got a pretty good start on that garden right now.

Oh. Honey, will you get the bags from the car?

I'll help you, Wilbur.

Come on, I'll show you to your room.

Wonderful.

Ah, there's nothing like this clean mountain air.

Yeah, that and a little exercise

and you'll be all better again.

Better again?

Well, what's wrong with me now?

Oh, nothing.

For the shape you're in, you look fine.

But look at me.

For years now, I haven't had a pain or an ache

since I've been doing my special exercises.

Special exercises?

Yeah, my secret to long life.

As soon as I get you unpacked, I'll show it to you.

It's something that every man right in his own backyard.

Come on, boy.

Are you sure this is the secret to a long life?

Guarantee.

Right.

I feel like 70 already.

Aw, you look fine, boy.

You've lost all that paleness.

You got a nice red color.

Keep sawing. We're almost done.

Wait till I tell Carol about this.

Uh, you better not tell anyone.

I just remembered something.

What's that?

What we're doing,

it's a federal offense.

Well, as long as it builds up your muscles.

A federal offense?

Timber!

Good work, Wilbur.

Now all we have to do is saw it in sections.

What do you mean it's a federal offense?

Oh, that's only in case we get caught.

- Okay-- - No, no, wait.

A Forest Ranger truck. Duck!

Secret to long life.

We better get going.

It's getting shorter every second.

Come on.

No. No!

[phone rings]

Hello.

Oh, yes, Ann.

Yeah, I'll take the call.

Hello.

Hello, Wilbur.

Ed, it's nice to hear your voice.

How do you feel?

I don't want to worry you,

but I've lost 50 or 60 pounds.

Ed, will you stop it?

I just talked to the Addisons on the phone yesterday,

and I happen to know you're being very well fed.

Well, that's a big lie.

They've been giving my food to their cat.

The Addisons' cat eats hay?

Doesn't everybody?

Look, Ed, we'll be home tomorrow,

so you behave yourself.

Can I watch the Late Late Show tonight?

Yeah, you can stay up and watch the Late Late Show,

but please don't play that TV set too loud.

Goodbye, Wilbur.

Goodbye, Ed.

Poor Wilbur.

He's been sleeping all afternoon.

He really is tired.

The rest is going to do him a lot of good.

Oh, that's exactly what I told him today,

"Take it easy."

I said, "Wilbur,

the secret to long life is relaxation."

Just don't exercise.

That can kill you.

Where's Jerry?

Has he found the man who chopped down that tree?

Oh, butterfingers.

Not yet, but when he called before,

he was furious.

Boy, I'd hate to be the man who did it.

Yeah, me, too.

Jerry said that Mr. Thompson--

he owns the property-- he's fit to be tied.

When he catches that criminal,

he's going to prosecute to the fullest extent.

Uh, and how full can that be?

A thousand dollars fine and a year in jail.

That's pretty full.

[sighs]

Well, hello, Milo.

- Bill, Bill-- - What's the matter?

I just heard about what happened yesterday.

Only a lunatic

would have cut that tree down.

Now, just a minute, Milo,

what makes you think I had anything to do with it?

Because yesterday you said you would,

and today the tree is down,

so unless I walk in my sleep,

you did it.

Milo, we live in a democracy

where every man is innocent until proven guilty,

and you're looking at the most innocent man

that ever cut down a tree.

Bill, I am ashamed of you.

Oh, stop looking at me like you were Joyce Kilmer.

What has she got to do with it?

When they catch you,

they are going to throw you in "yail," and--

Here comes Mr. Thompson.

Look, you got a guilty look about you.

You're liable to give me away.

Go on, scat. Get yourself some coffee.

Go ahead.

Well, hello, Mr. Thompson.

[chuckles nervously]

Beautiful day, huh?

Is it?

Is Ranger Moffett back yet?

He's going to meet me here.

Well, Jerry should be back soon.

Why don't you pull up a chair on the porch

and make yourself comfortable, Mr. Thompson?

Come on. There we are.

Sit right down there.

That's it.

Too bad about that tree yesterday.

Ain't the sort of thing that anybody around here

would ever do.

No, sir, we're all tree lovers

around her, you know?

As a matter of fact,

the sight of a man with an ax

sets my blood to--

Would you like a cup of coffee, Mr. Thompson?

No.

Wish Moffett would get here.

I'm anxious to find out

what he learned from that witness.

Well, he's probably-- witness?

That's right.

Some woman staying at Snowflake Inn

claimed that she was hiking through the forest,

and she saw these two men.

She did?

And what's more--

she says she can positively identify

one of them.

Which one, the young one or the old one?

What's that?

Uh, I-I mean,

w-well, these kind of crooks always work in pairs,

a young one and an old one.

It's, uh--

The young one sort of learns the tricks of the trade

from the old one.

It's, uh... learn-while-you-earn...

plan.

Well, anyway, she said he was a young-looking man

with sandy-colored hair and a bright Hawaiian shirt.

Have you seen anybody like that around here?

Oh, no.

No, there was---

Well, now that you mention it,

there was a coconut salesman

pass through here on his way to Honolulu.

[muttering]

Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Thompson.

Oh, never mind that.

What did you find out from the woman?

We're in luck, Mr. Thompson.

She took a picture of the guys running away.

I rushed the film right over to Devry's Camera Shop.

He's going to call me the minute it's developed.

- Fine-- - Um, Mr. Thompson, Jerry...

I got something to tell you.

We better go inside.

Well, why?

Well, I got a feeling

I'm going to have to get used to being inside for about a year.

Wilbur. Wilbur?

Wilbur... Wilbur, we're cooked.

What's going on, Bill?

Wilbur and me, we got a confession to make.

We cut down the old pine.

- You did? - Yup.

D-Don't believe him.

He's delirious.

He must have been hit on the head

when the tree fell.

It's no use, Wilbur, no.

I always believe in telling the truth...

once you get caught.

Some woman snapped a picture of us.

Mommy, Mommy, Uncle Bill's in trouble again!

Well, Moffett, what are you waiting for?

- Arrest them. - [phone rings]

Hello.

Yes, Mr. Devry.

You did?

That picture will be all the proof I need.

Well, okay. Thanks.

I'm afraid you don't have any proof, Mr. Thompson.

The film was underexposed.

You mean it didn't come out?

Nope.

Well, we don't need that picture anyway.

We still have his confession.

You mean to say you believe

hat cock-and-bull story I told before?

Wilbur, we sure had them going for a while, didn't we?

Yeah! I could hardly keep a straight face.

[both laughing hysterically]

You old son-of-a-gun, you.

Wait a minute. What's that?

Hawaiian shirt-- just like that woman said.

What have you got to say about that?

Aloha?

[inaudible]

Uncle Bill, what's Cindy talking about?

What's the trouble?

- Well, it seems-- - Come one, Moffett.

Let's not waste any more time.

Place those men under arrest,

and I'll profer charges.

Here, call the Sheriff.

Harry, don't you dare.

Now, just a minute.

[slams phone down]

I'll admit that I'm guilty,

but Wilbur had nothing to do with it.

He just came up here for a rest.

Well, if I have my way,

he can have a nice long one.

Mr. Thomson...

cutting down your tree was wrong,

but the motive behind it was right.

How do you figure that?

Well, you see, Bill was going to use that lumber

to build benches and chairs

for the summer camp.

40 kids will be coming up here, Mr. Thompson,

youngsters who never had a chance in life.

This camp is one of the nicest things

that could ever happen to them.

All Bill wants to do is make that possible.

That's the truth.

I know trees are expensive,

but suppose we personally pay for it?

I can let you have a hundred dollars.

And we're willing to chip in.

I got $87 laying in the bank.

It's just collecting dust.

You can take my piggybank.

You needed lumber, why didn't you ask me for it?

Because everybody knows

you're a greed, old skinflint.

Gosh, I wish you had put it to him a different way.

Well, it's true.

He's never contributed one skinny dime for the camp.

I didn't even know about it.

If somebody had bothered to tell me,

I might have considered making a donation.

Well, you've still got time, Mr. Thompson,

and it's deductible.

Well, all right,

you can have the tree.

Now, who's a greedy, old skinflint?

Mr. Thompson,

I take back

every nasty thing I ever said about you in the past.

And that includes

anything I might say in the future.

You're all right, Mr. Thompson.

I had you pegged for a good Joe

the minute I laid eyes on you.

Take your coconut-picking hands off me.

- Parker. - Yes, sir.

Don't let me ever catch you touching one of my trees.

Oh, no, sir, no, sir.

Well, Uncle Bill,

I hope this has taught you a lesson.

Oh, it certainly has, Annie.

You don't ever have to worry about me again.

By golly, I think he means it.

I sure do.

Wilbur, what do you say?

Let's you and me go fishing tomorrow, huh?

Okay, where?

I know a great spot over on Thompson's property.

- Hmm? - No.

Ed, I'm home!

Beg your pardon, stranger?

Oh, Ed, oh, I really missed you, old boy.

Yeah, then why didn't you write?

Telegram? A postcard?

Well, to tell you the truth, Ed,

I-- I got sort of involved.

A phone call then.

It was a long distance.

So what?

I would have been glad to accept the charges.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.