All language subtitles for S03E04 - The Super-Colossal Affair

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHING]

MAN:
It is not the money.

No, even a few millions
would not disturb me.

But it's the ingratitude.

The ingratitude that cuts into the heart.

Is that not so...

---Mr- Cariago?

Yes, Uncle Giuliano. It's a bad business.

Heh, heh. Bad indeed. Bad indeed.

It is a sad lesson for the whole family,
my friends.

[OVER STETHOSCOPE]
Twenty years ago...

...we invested a small fortune--

No, it was large fortune.

--In a miserable pile of sand
in the American desert.

Now, we turned that pile of sand
into the largest gambling spot...

...in the whole world.

What do we get back for it in return?

- Mr. Cariago?
- Well, you see, uncle--

Disrespect, disloyalty.
and then we get dispossessed.

That's what we get in return.

Suddenly, the whole town
goes legitimate.

We can't collect
our family taxes anymore.

Ah, yes, it's the old story.

A child grows into manhood,
becomes rich.

Heh. And hides his parents in a closet...

...ashamed to acknowledge them
in public.

It's a sad thing, is it not, Mr. Cariago?

Yes, Uncle Giuliano. It's very sad.

But what is even sadder,
the seeds of ingratitude...

...flourished in your backyard.

Yes, sir, I know.

The problem will be taken care of
pretty soon.

Oh, pretty soon.

Is this the same pretty soon
you promised a month ago...

...or is it a different kind of pretty soon?

But, Uncle Giuliano,
you know only last week...

...I-- I sent a dozen men in there.

All I got to show for it
is a dozen funerals.

A dozen funerals, huh?

Well, my dear nephew,
we'll give you another week.

And I sincerely hope, for your sake,
that you succeed.

Otherwise, your own funeral
will make it a baker's dozen.

And 13 is such an unlucky number.

You looking for termites?

Or maybe you're selling
magazine subscriptions.

ILLYA [IN ELDERLY VOICE]:
No, I'm just a little old winemaker.

[GRUNTS]

[GUNFIRE]

ILLYA:
Napoleon!

Hyah!

[SOLO SHOUTS IN ITALIAN]

[ITALIAN ACCENT]
Hey!

What's the matter with you?
You think you own the road?

Unfortunately, what you didn't learn...

...was what really was the crucial point
of the conference.

The international crime syndicate
must have had pressing reasons...

...for calling a meeting at this high level.

The usual reason that family
gets together is funerals.

Yeah, large ones.

Well, how large and for whom
is what you'll endeavor to find out.

Well, if there's a burial plot afoot, sir.
IIIya and I will uncover it.

Would you mind keeping me out
of your morbid puns, please?

I'm afraid you're included, Mr. Kuryakin.

I suggest you both stick as close
as you possibly can to Frank Cariago.

Whatever the assignment is, it's his.

And it's big.

Nasty-looking bird.

Where does it nest?

WAVERLY:
It's migratory.

I believe it propagates in Beverly Hills.

WOMAN:
Hi.

How do you do?

Very nicely, thank you.
What are you doing?

I'm the pool repairman.

Oh, is the pool broken?

I don't know yet.

I've been sent to check it out.

This is Mr. Cariago's pool, isn't it?

Everything here is Mr. Cariago's.

It's awfully nice of your company
to send a man out.

We like to keep an eye
on our important clients, Miss, uh...?

LaVeer. Ginger LaVeer.

I'm Mr. Cariago's, uh, friend.

I'll bet it takes along time to learn
how to fix broken swimming pools.

It takes a while.

I'll bet you meet so many beautiful girls
in your job, you get tired of looking at them.

It takes a few.

I see you're the strong, silent type.

I have to concentrate on my job.

GINGER [OVER RADIO]:
Why?

The television repairman didn't have to.

Neither did the refrigerator repairman,
or the electric-toaster repairman.

Ooh, or the egg-cooker repairman.

Egg-cooker repairman?

The egg-cooker repairman?

Yes, Frank" Mr. Cariago.
"eats an awful lot of eggs.

Hey, listen, if I'm bugging you,
just let me know.

No, you're not bugging me.

GINGER:
It just gets so lonely here.

Mr. Cariago travels all the time,
you know.

He just got back from a visit
with his family in Sicily...

...and then he had to take
a business trip.

And I'm stuck here with nothing to do
but float around on my mattress...

...and read the show-business papers.

- Are you in show business?
- I used to be. I was a 90-90 dancer.

But I had to quit
because I kept catching cold.

I'll be back
in the swim pretty soon though.

Frank" I mean, Mr. Cariago
has promised to get me a part in a movie.

Where is Mr. Cariago now?

He's in Las Vegas. He--

CARIAGO:
Watch that door, you.

Here he is.

Been nice knowing you.

Thank you. I hope the pool
gets broken again soon.

Frank, honey, what happened to you?

I fell off my skateboard.
Now, shut up and stop bothering me.

Sure. Just let me show you
this one little thing.

[OVER RADIO]
It's my big chance, Frank.

FRANK: What's today?
MAN: Monday.

[FRANK GRUMBLES]

- Not the name, the number.
MAN: The ninth.

He went broke again, Frank, honey.
You could buy in for almost nothing.

The ninth. Four days left.

Only four days left.

Frank, you promised.

- Are you gonna shut up?
- But, Frank...

Look, you think I don't know
about the television repairman...

...and the refrigerator repairman,
and the egg-cooker repairman?

[SCREAMING]
And we don't even have an egg cooker!

We have a double boiler.
I can't help it if things get broken, Frank.

Maybe I can't help it if you get broken.

You promised, Frank, honey.

You said you'd get me in the movies.

And here Sheldon Veblen's gone broke
in the middle of his picture...

...and he's just the best director
in Hollywood.

And it's a chance of a lifetime
for a young actress like me.

You can buy in for a song, Frank, honey.

You want a song?

I'll give you a song.

“Taps Played With Sicilian Bugles.“

I'm looking into an open grave
and she's yapping on about movies.

Why don't you get lost, huh?

Get lost before I put you back
into that glass cage where I found you.

Even the pool repairman
was nice! to me than you are.

Hmm. How much nicer?

GINGER [OVER RADIO]: A lat nicer.

She's exaggerating.

Mm-hm.

Boss, take a look at this.

- Not you too.
- No, no, luck.

So the guy's making a picture
about Sodom and Gomorrah.

What's the matter? You got an urge
to go back to Sunday school, huh?

Don't you remember what happened
to those two towns, boss?

CARIAGO: Huh?
- Yeah.

[LAUGHS]

CARIAGO:
Eh? Yeah. Yeah.

Ginger? Ginger, sweetheart.

Come over here to Papa, baby.

What are you sulking about?

[CRYING]
You said you'd get me in the movies.

Well, did Big Frank Papa
ever welsh on a promise, huh?

You mean you'll give me my chance?

If my baby wants Technicolor CinemaScope.
my baby gets Technicolor CinemaScope.

Oh, you mean it, Frank, honey?

Oh, you bet your sweet mattress
I mean it, baby.

GINGER: Oh.
CARIAGO: Ow!

- Get off.
- Aah!

Look at this, boss.

No.

Don't you realize who planted that bug?

Uncle Giuliano.

You mean that cute pool repairman
was an uncle?

CARIAGO:
Shh.

That cute pool repairman
was from uncle.

I think so, boss.

Yeah. Boy, that's just
like uncle's style.

Sending a pool repairman
to check up on me.

He never did like me.

As if I don't have enough trouble
on my own already.

[WHISPERS]
Here, take this.

Put it over there.

[BEE BUZZING]

I think we've got a bug in our bug.

[CHATTERING]

CROWD:
Aw...

Look, Mac, you're a big winner.
All I need is a thousand.

A measly thousand bucks
and she's yours, all yours. My own wife.

Take her, like new. Hardly been used.

I gotta have another chance.

Cut, cut, cut.

Beautiful, Twill. Magnificent.

You tilled that scene
with all the emotion of a fire hydrant.

I'm trying my best, Mr. Veblen.

“I'm trying my best, Mr. Veblen.“

We are shooting the modern version
of the Sodom and Gomorrah story, Twill...

...not a travelogue
about Passaic, New Jersey.

You are in the sin capital of the world.

A cauldron of corruption,
a kettle of calumny.

- Kettle of what?
- Calumny.

VEBLEN:
Shh. Shh.

Odd.

This scene
should positively ooze decadence...

...degradation and dissolution.

Oh, boy.

You, with the green spots all over you.
Who are you?

Uh, Napoleon Solo, uh, Mr. Veblen.
From Screen Bits Magazine.

We'd like to do an article on your film.

Have you been taking this down?

Just making
some background notes, yes.

Well, wouldn't want you to give your
readers the wrong impression, Mr. Solo.

We have our occasional squabbles,
of course...

...but basically,
we're just one big happy family here.

Isn't that right, Twill?

Yes, Mr. Veblen. We couldn't be happier.

- Okay?
SOLO: Mm.

Harry again.

Harry? Harry, what are you doing here?

For goodness sakes, Harry.
what are you doing?

Look, I'm sorry, Sheldon.
but, uh, that's a court order...

-...to impound your equipment.
- Hany, you can't do this to me.

- Film is a living, breathing thing.
- Breathing thing.

Say, you can't--

Listen, the creative process can't be
turned off like a-- Like a leaky faucet.

See what they're doing to me? I'm glad
you're here to see this, you reporters.

Wolves, vultures, philistines.

- Phili-what?
VEBLEN: Stines.

- Stines, stines.
VEBLEN: Take it all, go ahead.

That's it. Why stop with the"?
With the set?

Take the cast, for goodness sakes.
Take-- Take the script.

Here. Wait a minute, you want me
to cut out my heart...

...so you can take that too?

Uh, no, that won't be necessary.

You see, the orders specify
only negotiable items. I'm sorry.

[VEBLEN MOANING]

Ugh, all right, everybody, gather round.

I see a lot of familiar faces here,
so most of you...

...have probably heard
my farewell speech before.

You know, it starts out, “The philistines
have won another triumph...

...in the never-ending war
between an and profit.“

Etcetera, etceteva, etcetera.

Doubtless, you remember the rest of it.

So I don't have to bother repeating it.

I, uh, just wanna thank you all
for your--

Your efforts.

And your enthusiasm.

And I--

I'm only sorry that this film
will never be finished.

All right, hold everything!

VEBLEN: All 01a sudden
I got a cast of thousands?

What is this? I can't even make
a farewell speech without being interrupted.

Take it easy, Mr. Veblen.
Put that table back where you got it.

Now, wait, wait, just a minute here.
Who are you?

His name is Cariago.

HARRY:
So it's Ca--

Frank Cariago. You heard it before?

Uh, oh, yes, Mr. Cariago.

Why don't you and your boys go out
and give us a stiff cup of coffee, huh?

Well, we-- We-- We...

I guess a five-minute, uh.
break wouldn't hurt us.

[CHATTERING]

CARIAGO: I understand you're having
a little financial difficulty.

Are you another vulture
who has come to pick at my bones?

Oh, not me, pal.

How much would it take, uh.
to get you back in the black?

We're shooting in color.

No, I mean financially.

- Well over a million.
- How much is “well over“?

Another million?

You mean 2 million
would get all these cameras rolling again?

Roughly.

CARIAGO: Hey, you.
- Huh?

- You a reporter?
- Yeah.

Well, uh, mister, uh...?

[IN NASAL TONE]
Solo.

Well, Mr. Solo, you can tell your readers
that Mr. Veblen has got a new backer.

The cameras
are gonna start rolling again.

Ah.

You know, your name is, uh.
familiar to me, Mr. Cariago.

[CARIAGO CHUCKLES]

I didn't know
motion-picture investments...

...were among your many
and diverse interests.

What?

Well, what I mean is, uh.
what's your angle?

My angle?

Precisely what I was, uh.
going to ask, Mr. Cariago.

Um, what's the, uh--?
What's the gimmick?

[LAUGHING]

CARIAGO:
The gimmick.

Ginger, baby!

Yes, Frankie, I'm here.

I knew it.

It's the egg-cooker girl.

We'd better find another assignment.

Oh, don't go, boys.
You wanna get some publicity shots...

...of a brand-new star.

Uh, thanks, but I tell you, I--

MAN:
If the boss says you stay, you stay.

GINGER:
Hi.

CARIAGO:
Ginger, this is Mr. Veblen.

Oh, Mr. Veblen, I'm so thrilled
to be meeting you at last.

I've seen every movie you ever made.

I saw Gone with the Wind four times.

Glad you liked it.
I was 12 years old when it was made.

Really? I would have never guessed.

This is Ginger LaVeer.
She's your new star.

- You're joking.
- No, I never joke.

Well?

Well, I have a choice
between bankruptcy and Ginger Baby.

Death by fire or death by water.

I prefer to drown.

Heh.
You'll never regret it, Sheldon.

MAN:
Take a picture.

Oh, hello there.
I see you've got another job too.

Did you have to be so nice to her?

ILLYA:
She was lonely.

- What's all this about?
- That was the pool repairman.

The what?

Stop those two!
Don't let them get away.

CARIAGO:
Stop!

I know who you are.

- You do?
- Yeah.

What, you think I'm stupid, huh?
You were sent by uncle.

FRANK:
Angelo, shake hands with mister, uh...?

Uh, Solo.

Oh, come on, you can use
your right name with us.

After all, we're all part
of the same family.

Well, if you don't mind,
I'll keep this one.

CARIAGO: This is mister, uh...?
- Kuryakin.

Oh, boy, they sure do come up
with beautiful names, don't they?

IIike it.

Fellas, I want you to treat these two
just like you treat me.

They were sent here by uncle.

Uncle Giuliano.

[ALL LAUGHING]

ILLYA:
Welcome.

Welcome to the family, cousin.

VEBLEN:
Fellas, stand up, look lively, huh?

I think I'm beginning
to enjoy the family life.

VEBLEN:
All right, now, uh...

Well, you haven't met
all your in-Iaws yet.

[BELL RINGS]

VEBLEN: Uh, fine. Let's get Ginger--
Uh, dear. Come over here, dear.

All right, now, as the scene opens, dear.
uh, you are in bed alone.

That's it. Get in the bed.

Now, you're in bed alone,
deserted by your husband...

...owner of a large gambling joint,
who's off playing gin yummy...

...with his gangster cronies.

You lie herein bed,
in the shimmering moonlight.

Shimmering moonlight.

That's good.
You lie herein the shimmering moonlight.

A vision of palpitating beauty,
dreaming the dreams...

...01 a lonely and beautiful woman.

Perhaps of some Prince Charming
who will come through the window...

...and carry you off.

When suddenly, someone does
come through the window.

Two masked thugs.

Thugs. Come on, come on.

Two masked thugs smelling of garlic.

It's the old kidnap caper.

Frightened, you cower in your bed.

Come on, move, move.
You cower in your bed.

That's right. That's it.

Now, before--

Come on. Keep the gun up high,
in the frame.

But before--

That's right, that's it. You are terrified.

You are frightened.
You cower in your bed.

That's it. Now, before they can lay
their hairy hands on your lovely body...

...through the door bursts your husband
and his bodyguard.

Burst.

That's it. And now a fight rages
around the room.

Don't rage me. Rage yourselves.
All right, they are raging.

You are terrified, powerless,
caught in the vertex of this violence.

But what do I do, Mr. Veblen?

Do?

Why, you emote.

You are the cause of this carnage.

You can emote, can't you?

Of course, Mr. Veblen.

Help. Help.

Help. Help. Help. Help.

- Uh, that's enough, dear, thank you.
- Help--

That's enough. Uh...

Uh, okay, everybody.
I think it's time to, uh, take a little break.

We'll, uh-- We'll shoot this scene later.

And may the Lord have mercy
on our souls.

Uh, Ginger Baby's screen test.

She's not bad.

VEBLEN: She'll be the hit of the film
it we can only keep her mouth shut.

I gather the, uh, film
concerns Las Vegas.

That's right.
The modem Sodom and Gomorrah.

A cauldron of corruption, a kettle of can

Yes, I know, um...

How does it end?

Just as in the Bible.
The city is destroyed.

Oh, I see, uh...

Could I ask how?

That, Mr. Solo, is where I must stop.

Oh, that's a shame, uh...

The, uh, ending of my film
is classified information.

Sony, Mr. Solo.

Oh, wait, wait.
Not even a slight hint, huh?

[WHISPERS]
Not even a whisper.

Oh.

Hmm.

Hi, did you want some more pictures?

Well, as a matter of fact, I did, yes, uh...

...but, uh, I didn't want to bother you
while you're shooting.

Oh, that's all right.

Just because I'm a famous movie star now
doesn't mean I'd forget my old friends.

How nice of you.

Uh...

Oh...

By the way, what do you, uh.
think of your script?

Oh, I just love it.

I mean, those parts that I understand.

Of course, but don't you think
it's, uh, kind of funny?

- Why funny?
- Well, it doesn't have an end.

Oh, that. It really does have an ending.

But Mr. Veblen won't let anybody know
what it is.

Not even Mr. Cariago?

I mean, after all, it's uh-- It's his money.

I don't know about Frank,
but nobody else knows.

Mr. Veblen says those cheap TV outfits
have spies everywhere.

Isn't it ridiculous?

As if a spy would sneak
into my dressing room...

...just to peek at his crummy old script.

Ridiculous.

But I'm the producer.
Why won't you tell me?

I tell no one.

Listen, I put up $2 million, and you're not
even gonna tell me what the end is?

I tell no one.

Well, I hope you have another friend...

...who can come up
with the other 2 million.

To tell you the truth,
I've been dying to tell someone.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[LAUGHING]

Boy, when you come up with an and
01a picture, you come up with it.

Well...

I couldn't have done better
if I wrote it myself.

VEBLIN:
All right, places, everybody.

Everything going all right, fellas?
My boys taking good care of you?

ILLYA:
Couldn't be cozier.

[BELL RINGS AND CARIAGO LAUGHS]

Let me congratulate you
on your security.

When you, uh...

When you discovered us,
we still hadn't found out...

...what your plan of operation was.

We've mentioned it in our report.

Oh, thank you, boys.

A good word from you two will
put me in real solid with Uncle Giuliano.

Uh, just what is your plan?

- It's beautiful. Really beautiful--
ANGELO: Boss?

You got a phone call. It's Uncle Giuliano.

All right.

Hey, I got a very private phone call.

You know where I can take it?

My private office is double-locked.

Double-locked?

You'll see why when you get inside.

[LAUGHING]

CARIAGO:
Good boy.

ILLYA:
Uh-oh...

[SOLO CLEARS THROAT]

But, Uncle Giuliano, let me explain.

You better make it good,
my dear nephew.

I'm not in the business
of spending $2 million...

...just so you can see your girl
in a movie.

See my g--?

Uncle Giuliano, you don't really think
that's why I'm doing this, do you?

Straighten me out, then.

Well, Ginger" That's my broad's name.

[OVER PHONE]
--she's only a front...

...ta make it look legitimate.

Uncle.

This picture is gonna wipe out Las Vegas
once and for all.

A movie? Heh.

You're gonna wipe out Las Vegas
with a movie?

[CHUCKLING]

Ah, you got a lot of surprises
with a movie.

You can do an awful lot of things.

You remember that little accident
when that bomber crashed in...

...and went right down
in the water, huh?

Yes, I remember. Nothing happened,
just a lot of people got scared.

Yeah, heh, heh. Only this time, uncle.
It's not just gonna be a scare.

You mean you're gonna drop
an atomic bomb on Las Vegas?

It's part of the picture.

It's right there in the script. Heh.

Only, the director, heh, heh,
he plans on using a dummy bomb.

What he doesn't know
is that the bomb is gonna be real.

It's the director that's a dummy.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, Uncle Giuliano,
is that worth 2 million or not, huh?

It is, my nephew,
if you got the real thing.

I got the best munitions man in the world
working on it.

Now, he's guaranteed me that we can make
the loudest bang since Los Alamos.

You know, occasionally, my dear nephew,
there is evidence 01a brain or two...

...rattling around in that skull of yours.

Thank you, uncle.

Oh, you don't have to worry
about the two men you sent.

We'll make sure
they're well-taken care of.

- My two what?
- The two men you, uh--

Well, you sent to check up on me.

I sent no men.

You've made your usual stupid blunder,
my dear nephew.

But if you didn't send them, who did?

I don't know,
but you better return them in a box.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Now, quiet, everybody. Let's get ready here.
All right, let's have a bell.

[BELL RINGS]

That's fine. All right, you, get in position.
Come on, let's go.

- All right, roll them.
CAMERAMAN: Scene 26, take one.

VEBLEN:
And action.

GINGER:
Help. Help. Help.

- Help. Help.
- I think the familial honeymoon is over, coz.

Stop those two.
They're from the wrong uncle.

VEBLEN: Lower, more menacing.
GINGER: Help.

Help.

[VEBLEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[MEN GRUNTING]

Help. Help.

Help. Help. Help.

VEBLEN:
Give us something, or else just shut up.

GINGER:
Help. Help. Help.

VEBLEN:
Fight. Keep rolling.

VEBLEN: That's swell, come at each other.
GINGER: Help. Help.

VEBLEN: Come on, don't stand there.
Fight back, fellas. Let's go.

- All right.
GINGER: Help. Help.

[VEBLEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[SOLO SCREAMS]

VEBLEN: Too many people
in this shot. I need less people.

Oh, better, better.

VEBLEN: Get out! Fight, light. Very good.
GINGER: Help. Help. Help.

Get out of the way, you. Come on now.

- Looks phony. Come on.
- Help.

VEBLEN:
You, come on, gasp.

You, shut up, my dear.

Gasp. Hit him. Come on, gasp.

Very good. Beautiful. Brilliant.

- How did I do, Mr. Veblen?
- My deal, you were unbelievable.

[GUNFIRE]

[MAN GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

[CACKLING]

You boys ain't so hot
outside your own territory, are you?

ILLYA:
You're making a big mistake.

Well, did you hear that, boys?
The man says he's a mistake. Heh.

We can't have a mistake walking around.
That would embarrass us.

Put the mistake in the tub.

And you're a mistake too, buster.

But you don't get erased until the boss
has a chance to ask you a few questions.

[ANGELO LAUGHING]

SCIENTIST:
Mr. Cariago.

Well, genius, is it ready?

Almost.

Now...

Ugh...

Mr. Cariago, you can't just
whip up an atomic bomb...

...like a hot-fudge sundae.

It's along process.

It took Mao Tse-tung six years.

I'm looking into an open grave,
and you give me excuses out of Pearl Buck.

Now, I want a bomb,
and I want it right now.

Mr. Cariago,
how about a conventional bomb?

Now, come over here. Come over here.

Now, I can--

I can mix up
a high-explosive formula that--

If I want firecrackers,
I know where to get them.

From you I want the atomic bomb.

But these are blockbusters.

Do you know what 10 of these
will do to Las Vegas?

Do you know what Uncle Giuliano is gonna
do to me if I don't get him the real thing?

I haven't decided yet.

But I'm playing around
with some very interesting ideas.

CARIAGO:
Uncle Giuliano. Ha, ha.

I thought you were still in Sicily.

I should be in Sicily playing bocce...

...while you're here batching up
this whole operation.

Oh, no, I may look old,
but I'm not senile.

I knew you'd bumble up the job.

I didn't bumble anything.
I still got a couple of days to go.

You'd bumble it
even if you had two more years.

All right, boys, bring it in.

Uncle Giuliano...

[CARIAGO LAUGHING]

Is this the real thing, uncle?

You think I'd fly all the way from Sicily
with a crate full of Iinguini?

You said you'd be right out,
Frank, honey.

I've been sitting in that car waiting.

I've gotta get home.
I've gotta study my lines for tomorrow.

[GASPS]

Is this thing for real?

Why. you bet your life it's the real thing,
a real A-bomb.

And we're gonna drop it
right on Las Vegas tonight.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

You got a big mouth, and it's regrettable.

Yeah.

Uh, I think I'll go and practice
my dialogue for a while.

I suggest you get this girl a room
to practice.

One with a lock on it.

GINGER:
But, Frankie--

You can practice in here.

But, Frankie, that's a closet.

What's the matter,
you need Carnegie Hall to practice?

[GINGER CRIES]

Let me out.

Let me out.

Testing, one, two, three.

Testing, one, two, three.

ILLYA [MUFFLED]: Will you stop
clowning about and get me out of here?

I'm glad to see you're still with us.

I see you got to the bottom of things
with your usual alacrity.

[HORNS HONKING]

[RADIO BEEPS]

I haven't heard from you for some time,
Mr. Kuryakin.

I trust everything is well.

[OVER RADIO]
Have you been able to ascertain yet...

...what Mr. Cariagu is up to?

Uh, no, sir, we don't know
what his plan of operation is yet...

...but we know it has something to do
with Las Vegas.

Our other sources have already
ascertained that, Mr. Kuryakin.

I'm in Las Vegas right now.

We also know that the head
of the syndicate has left Sicily...

...and is probably somewhere
in this country.

ILLYA:
Well, he hasn't--

Will you please be careful
with that thing?

He hasn't shown up here yet.

WAVERLY: Report to me
as soon as you turn up something.

It's a good thing
you didn't become a surgeon.

[GRUNTING]

Frankie?

Frankie, I'm done practicing, Frankie.

CARIAGO:
Slow down.

Go over a bump, and they'll
be picking up our pieces in Chicago.

VEBLEN:
Hey, what's going on here, Cariago?

This should have been loaded already.
We haven't got all night, you know.

The bomb. It's bigger than we figured.

Ah, nonsense, the thing's been weighed
and measured a dozen times.

It should fit perfectly.
Come on, boys, let's get it aboard.

Hold it!

For crying out loud.

What's the matter with you, fellas?
I mean, it's only a prop, for goodness' sake.

It's a--

Wait a minute,
this isn't the bomb I ordered. Cariago!

Now, what's the matter
with you, Cariago?

Come on now,
who's running this show here?

Okay.

Please, please, Sheldon.

Yeah, but I thought this was--

This...

This isn't a dummy, is it?

This is a real, uh, bomb.

Not only a bomb, it's an atomic--

GIULIANO:
Cariago, shut up.

If the bomb bay was as big as your mouth,
we could get three bombs in it.

Relax, Mr. Veblen,
your fade-out comes later.

But meanwhile,
we can have a little chat, hmm?

Tell me, uh, have you seen
any good movies lately?

Oh, oh!

Oh, thank goodness I found you.
We've got to stop them.

They're going to use a bomb.
A real bomb.

ILLYA:
A bomb? Where?

At the airport right now.

It's Mr. Veblen's big scene.

You know, the last scene
you couldn't find in my script?

They're going to drop a real bomb
on Las Vegas.

Let's go!

ILLYA:
Pull over by the ladder.

This side, and hold it steady.

[MOUTHS]
Bye.

Oh, Mr. Veblen, are you all right?

Huh? Oh, never" Never mind me.

Come on, there's no time to lose.

I hope we can get the police in time.

VEBLEN:
Police? Are you out of your mind?

I guess you're right,
we better call the Air Force.

Nobody's calling anybody.

I'm gonna get myself a plane.

And I'm gonna shoot the greatest scene
of my entire career.

The entire city of Las Vegas
going up in a cloud of smoke.

Follow that bomber.

[CHATTERING]

Honey, would you play this machine
just once?

Who, me?

Yeah, somebody must have put
a hex on it.

Well, why not switch
to another machine?

This is my machine.

I've been playing it 12 years,
and I ain't about to change now.

Are you gonna help me or not?

Yes, I will, with pleasure, madam.

[GRUNTING]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

VEBLEN:
Oh, great, great.

Better hope that bomb doesn't go off
at this altitude, because we'll go up with it.

I'm not as stupid as Cariago.

To make Las Vegas unappetizing
doesn't require an atom bomb.

The one we just dropped contains 10 ton
of dimethyl chloryl fluoride.

And what is that?

[GIULIANO LAUGHING]

Essence of skunk.

It's a 10-ton stink bomb.

VEBLEN:
Oh, what a scene. I'm a genius.

[GAS HISSING]

Oh, that's beautiful.

Ha. Beautiful, beautiful.

Whoopee.

[BELL RINGING]

Whoopee. That's what I'd call a jackpot!

[CHATTERING]

VEBLEN:
Hello. There you go.

SOLO: Looks like you have a smash
on your hands, Mr. Veblen.

The philistines don't win all the battles,
Mr. Solo.

I just wish those terrible gangsters
could see it.

It would show them what a real artist
can do even when the odds are against him.

No, my deal, it would show them
what a real actress can do.

Perhaps the Sicilian prison authorities
will arrange to have it shown for them.

Uh, where's your friend, uh, Mr. Solo?

Well, you know, the one with the hair
and the green spots, uh...

A passable actor, you know.

With the right director,
he could make, uh, quite a talent.

SOLO:
Really?

As a matter of fact, he wanted to come,
but he had other matters on his hands.

Uh, that reminds me, excuse me.

Open Channel D.

Come in, Little Flower,
how are you doing?

The lab says that with any luck,
I'll be out of here within a week...

...smelling like a rose.

[ENGLISH SDH]