Original subtitles

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Simple Simon meta pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man:

“What's going on down there?“

SOLO: Our friend Voegler is getting ready to deliver a rocket booster...

...and some more guided-missile pans.

It's about time we found out where.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Look.

That's quite a pad for a pie man.

ILLYA: Let's go take a look.

Stop. Stop!

- You've got to help me. - I'm sorry, we have important business.

You must help me get away.

I will kill you if you don't.

Oh, by all means.

Drive me to Montmercy. I will instruct you from there.

Faster! Faster!

Lose them.

Lose them or your friend dies.

Drive.

Yes?

Papa.

Oh! Papa.

Oh, Papa. I thought I would never see you again, never.

- My little girl. - Papa.

Forgive me, gentlemen, for behaving like a gangster.

My name is Raoul Dubois.

And this is my daughter Albert.

Albert?

I was named for papa's idol, Monsieur Einstein.

My father is a physicist too.

- The finest in the world. RAOUL: Hm.

There is only one better.

My daughter.

But what happened to you? Why didn't you write?

It's three long months, I thought you were dead.

Dead? I was a prisoner.

Do you remember, Albert...

...the day I received a visitor from the French government?

He told me I was to work for them on a guided-missile program.

That's an interesting coincidence. Go on.

The project's code name was three letters:

LEF.

What does LEF stand for?

That I don't know. It was all top secret, you know. Hush-hush.

So I was taken to this place to work with other scientists...

...and there we were not allowed to leave or even to write to our families.

They said it was for the good of France, but, of course, it was all a lie.

It wasn't a government project?

Government project? Hm.

I was duped.

We were all duped. That's why I escaped to warn France.

To warn France? About what?

About him.

[MOTORCYCLES APPROACHING]

[ALBERT SCREAMS]

[GUNSHOTS]

ALBERT: Papa?

Papa?

Papa?

MAN: Ah! Ban/our, Monsieur. - Baniaur.

[BOTH SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

ILLYA: Your accent is just awful.

WAVERLY: Well, there he is, gentlemen.

The man in the white car.

The owner of the castle, Monsieur Jacques Robespiene.

Robespiene. Is that his name, really?

Well, he claims to be a direct descendant of the famous Robespiene.

The fanatical French revolutionary leader.

His battle cry was, “Virtue, virtue and above all else, virtue.“

And if I remember correctly...

...his method of inspiring virtue was Madame Guillotine.

You mean, he actually ran for president of the republic?

Well, his virtue party was only a splinter group.

Its platform was the total prohibition of wine and whiskey.

- How many votes did he get? WAVERLY: Eighty-four.

I should have demanded a recount.

-“Vineyards are graveyards, vote for virtue.“ - I beg your pardon?

“ Protect our women.“ That was another campaign theme.

Respect for women.

I'm afraid Robespierre has a very exaggerated sense of gallantry.

All right, now, he's against whiskey and he's against wine...

...but he's for women.

So why is he suddenly trying to acquire missile pans and missile scientists?

That's the question that remains to be answered.

And so we have to get inside his castle?

Remember this young woman?

“The Journal of Physical Science.“

Mademoiselle Albert Dubois.

Yes, she's a specialist in inertial guidance, just as her father was.

Now that her father's dead...

...Robespiene may need someone to replace him.

Well, do you feel she's in danger?

Yesterday. Robespiene invited her to dinner.

Gallantly, I hope.

However, Miss Dubois declined the invitation.

She's a strange young woman.

Ever since her father died...

...she's virtually cut herself off from the world.

Devoted herself entirely to her work.

Well, perhaps I could convince her to go to the party...

...with me as her escort.

I've already ordered your dinner jacket to be pressed, Mr. Solo.

What about Carl Voegler? He's the supply sergeant in this business.

Yes.

And he'll be your pigeon, Mr. Kuryakin.

And here's how you're gonna shoot him down.

ILLYA: It's a new kind of how and arrow.

I didn't want to go to Robespiene's dinner. I am not a dinner party type.

- Haven't you observed that? - I don't believe it.

- I leave that sort of thing to other women-- - Albert. I'm thinking of your father.

I want you to help me catch his murderer.

You-- You don't mean Robespiene?

But he was my father's friend. I've known him since I was a child.

We believe that he kept your father prisoner.

That he has other scientists under lock and key.

That he invited you to dinner for the same reason.

To enlist your help.

And all you want me to do is to go to this dinner party with you?

Well, you could introduce me as your fiancé.

- But I can't go. I can't. - Why not?

Well, I-- I just remembered I haven't got a thing to wear.

Albert, you're learning to become a woman very fast.

Mr. Solo, did you say that your first name was Napoleon?

- That's right, yes. - What a cruel prank by your parents.

I thought the French people were proud of Napoleon.

Bonaparte was a drunkard and a libertine, why should I be proud of him?

And you, my dear, Albert.

How are you hearing your burden of grief?

- I have my work, monsieur. - Of course.

Your father was a great scientist.

How fortunate that his greatness lives on in you.

You know much about inertial guidance, Monsieur Robespiene?

Only that it allows the missile to steer itself using the stars to navigate.

Beyond that, my poor brain cannot comprehend such complexities.

Personally. my interests lie more to architecture.

Magnificent old fireplace, isn't it?

The whole chateau is magnificent.

Somebody certainly sold you a lot of white paint.

White is the color of virtue.

Hmm. And ambulances.

The castle's history dates back to Charlemagne.

It has 117 rooms.

And this fireplace is rumored to have led to an underground dungeon.

SOLO: Hmm.

You know, it's not very plebeian of you, Monsieur Robespiene, to live in a castle.

Perhaps that's why you lost the election.

I wonder if you would excuse Miss Dubois and myself for a few minutes...

...we have some business to discuss.

Of course.

Make yourself at home. Read a book.

Mm-hm. I've read one, thank you.

Open Channel F, Solo to Kuryakin.

[BEEPING]

- Kuryakin here. - IIIya, I'm here in Robespiene's castle.

And I am near Voegler's hunting preserve.

The host was very anxious to have me investigate a fireplace.

It's in the living room, just in case.

Very good. Is there anything else, because I have a lot of work to do...

...before tomorrow morning.

What's the matter? Did you lose your little comforter?

Good night, Napoleon.

Good night. “Na.

Stand back. Who are you?

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] So this is how you obey our leader?

- But I-- - Come on, let's have it.

It's, uh, only cough medicine.

[COUGHING]

Oui.

Oui, your cough sounds bad.

Here. I have just the thing for it.

Break the capsule in half. Sniff it.

Your cough will vanish.

[GUNFIRE]

[ROBESPIERRE CHUCKLING]

I knew you couldn't resist that sign, Monsieur Solo.

All right, bring them both.

[BEEPING]

- Carl Voegler. - I will not tolerate any further delay.

I want the equipment delivered to me here, today.

Out of the question. I'm sure I'm being watched.

I cannot guarantee a safe delivery right now.

I warn you, Voegler, do not try my patience.

[GROANS]

VOEGLER: Leave that allow alone.

- It's my arrow. - No, you are wrong, my friend.

The shot was mine. See the shaft? Orange and blue, my hunting colors.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I was mistaken. - No, it's quite all right, quite all right.

What, uh--? What kind 01a gadget is that, huh?

Oh, it's a new kind of how.

It could not be very accurate, huh?

I never miss, Mr...?

Voegler. Carl Voegler.

- I prefer target shooting myself. - Oh?

Well, I won the Swiss Intermediate Target Championship three years ago.

Well, that's along time ago. We all get a little rusty, don't we?

I could still outshoot you and that slingshot.

- For what stakes? - Name them.

- Ten thousand francs? - Done.

I have that much with me, do you?

[CHUCKLES]

In my chateau.

We will go there after the match. Agreed?

If you insist.

Do you see the O in “no“? Huh?

Do you see the I?

I'll dot it.

Heinrich.

Here, catch.

Hold it up.

Is he gonna put it on his head?

I want him to hold it in his hand.

Ah?

Heinrich.

Heinrich, take out one of the matches, huh?

[ARROW LANDS]

The young lady first.

This how you show your respect for women?

That I do. I do not intend to harm a hair of her head...

...even though she has given me the greatest provocation.

No, no, you needn't worry, Monsieur Solo.

The lady is not for burning.

I have reserved that privilege for you.

No, you can't do this.

- You know how to stop it, my dear. - What does he want you to do?

He's getting the parts of an inertial guidance system.

He wants me to assemble it.

Prepare our patient.

He did kill Papa, Napoleon. I can't help him to kill more.

Your tum, doctor.

No, you can't do this. It's medieval.

You think I'm medieval?

You think this is medieval, my dear?

It is a very modem device, the product of our so-called civilization.

And what is your target, Robespiene?

My target is the vineyard, Monsieur Solo.

The vineyard which is the graveyard of our national strength.

The missile will release deadly radioactive matter upon explosion.

It will contaminate the soil for the next hundred years.

It will be aimed at the Champagne...

...Bordeaux, Chablis. and other districts of France.

And what about the people?

There are thousands of people who work in those vineyards.

They'll all be killed.

I won't help you. I won't.

Very well. Doctor.

LEF.

I suddenly know what it means, Robespiene.

- Do you? - Yes.

The menu of France since the revolution.

Liberty. Equality. Fraternity.

Stop it. Stop it.

I'll do what you want.

- Only don't hurt him. - That's very noble of you.

Release him.

You see what I mean about women, Monsieur Solo.

Noble creatures, who sacrifice their own for men.

Even for unworthy men.

Mm.

And what happens to unworthy me?

You will remain here as my guest, safe and sound...

...as long as Miss Dubois cooperates.

Is that understood?

To the victor.

Thank you.

And now, my friend, I believe I am in your debt.

Ten thousand francs, was it not?

Oh, by the way...

...did you get that new bow from U.N.C.L.E.?

U.N.C.L.E.?

What's that?

Wrong answer, my friend.

Any other man would have said, “Who is that?“

But you know that U.N.C.L.E. is a what and not a who, don't you?

Ah! Careful, my friend.

I am pretty good with a how, but I am perfect with a gun.

You underestimated my sharp eyes.

I saw you in the rearview mirror of my car that day...

...and I never forget a face.

Don't be rash, Voegler. U.N.C.L.E. knows exactly where I am.

Well, then they won't be surprised when you have a hunting accident.

No, no, don't worry.

We are all sportsmen here.

We would not kill you without a sporting chance.

Now, Ludwig, get the paint.

VOEGLER: Beautiful.

You will make a fine moving target, my friend.

This is what you call a sporting chance?

You will have as much chance as any hunted animal.

Even more so, because you have intelligence...

...but not too much, I am afraid.

Give him a few minutes head start and then get me afresh quiver, huh?

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

ILLYA: Hen Voegler.

This is a Code 7 call. Mr. Kuryakin for Mr. Waverly.

Yes, Mr. Kuryakin. Go ahead.

Don't worry about Robespiene's missile. I have the guidance system.

- Have you heard anything from Napoleon? - Don't worry about Mr. Solo.

Your job is to get that equipment back to headquarters at once.

Yes, sir. as soon as I have washed my shirt.

Seen as you what?

Are you Voegler?

[IN GERMAN ACCENT] No. I'm Mr. Voegler's engineer.

- This is the material, right? - Yeah.

Robespiene wants it now.

But it's not assembled yet.

- We have people who can fix that. - Not this system.

There are only two people in the world who can fix this system.

Which two people?

One of them is Bruno von Schliiflenkopf but he's in Munich. Fendtstrafie.

The other one is me.

So this equipment is no good to you unless you take me along with it.

All right.

Uh, a moment, bitte.

Danke.

Here he is, sir. Voegler's engineer.

Well, I never knew that Voegler was so thorough.

- Is that the equipment? - Yes, that's it.

You guarantee that it will work?

Your money will be refunded if it doesn't.

Will you be able to have your life refunded, young man?

Very well. Let's find out how much you know, Mr. Engineer.

Take him below to the laboratory.

You really gotta hand it to old Robespiene. He knows how to do things right.

Got a nice cell here. Comfortable bed. Running water, electric light.

If you ask me, I have it better off than you do, Bernard.

Perhaps you would like to change places.

That's a great idea. Why don't you give me your keys--?

Bright fellow.

And what was this poor man's crime?

Stupidity.

[GUARDS LAUGHING]

Yes, you can see he's the stupid sort. The way the eyes are set so close together.

We electronic engineers can always tell.

Oh, must be visitor's day.

There you are, my dear.

I told you Monsieur Solo is alive and well.

Napoleon, I was so worried.

They've got the guidance equipment. One of Voegler's engineers brought it.

Yes, one of his top engineers from Kuryakin College.

I'm sure you'll notice that.

Very well, my dear. Your visit's over.

- Napoleon, I-- - You heard Monsieur Robespiene.

ROBESPIERRE: Pig!

I have warned you. Never lay a hand on a woman.

I will have respect here.

Do you understand?

Are you all right, my dear?

Yes, I'm fine, thank you.

Are you sure you don't wanna change places with me, Bernie?

Hm?

Gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you Mr. Kuryakin, who will explain to us...

...the operation of the Blaine Wilson Inertial Guidance System.

Now.

As you all know, the idea of an inertial guidance system...

...is to guide. Inertially.

This part is designed to work in conjunction with the other parts.

Clear?

Now, if this piece does not work as it is designed to do...

...every single piece of the mechanism will not work.

Monsieur, does this system employ a cryogenic rotor...

...with frictionless bearings?

- Of course. SCIENTIST 1: Mr. Kuryakin.

To what tolerances are the pans machined?

What would you guess?

Well, 50 millionths of an inch.

Absolutely correct. Next.

SCIENTIST 2: What is the degree of torque?

Must I tell you everything?

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, I am an engineer.

I leave science to you.

Take that man.

Hey, Robespiene.

- Those fools are making a big mistake. - No, no. No mistake, my friend.

Murderer. You killed Carl Voegler.

And in my new France, you shall have Old Testament judgment.

A life for a life.

Careful, get back.

If I drop this, you might as well scrap your entire project.

The part is irreplaceable. Let him go, Robespiene.

I am willing to make a deal, Monsieur Kuryakin.

- Make it. - Julius.

Go to Monsieur Solo's cell and empty your gun into Monsieur Solo.

- Wait. - Ahh.

You see the terms of my deal.

You give me the part, you can have all of Monsieur Solo.

All right then. Take it then.

After him!

Give me that. Don't you know these things are dangerous?

[GUN CLICKS]

[DRUMS PLAYING]

[CHOPPING SOUNDS]

The natives are restless today.

Those are drums I hear?

Quiet down and let me sleep.

Pleasant dreams.

[GUILLOTINE DROPS]

Kind of a funny way they chop wood around here.

It is not wood they are chopping this morning.

It is your friend's neck.

Bernard, how would like to earn a crisp thousand-dollar bill, huh?

- You are trying to bribe me? - But of course.

But I know you do not have any money.

You were searched.

No, no. They overlooked something.

You see, I have in my heel here a thousand-dollar bill.

Now, it's yours if you get me out of here.

You must think I am pretty stupid.

What do you mean?

I can get that thousand dollars without letting you go.

Dam, of course.

You are not so bright after all, my friend.

I will see you in a little while.

Bring out the prisoner.

Bernard!

Bernard!

ROBESPIERRE: Prisoner...

...you have been condemned to death for the murder of Carl Voegler.

You are a liar, Solo.

There was not any thousand-dollar bill.

Of course there was. One of the other guards must have taken it.

This place is full of thieves.

Well, maybe it dropped out somewhere.

- You think so? - Yeah, tum on that light out there.

- Oh, wait, what's that there? - Where?

[BERNARD YELLS] [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

Test the blade.

[DRUM ROLL]

[DRUM ROLL]

IIIya, look out!

[GUNSHOTS]

Get him.

- Don't just kneel there, do something. - Look out!

Never mind me. Robespiene's gone back into the castle.

- He can't do any harm. - That's what you think.

He's got the guidance system, he can fire that missile any time he wants to.

- Did Robespiene get away? - Is the missile ready?

- I had to do it. - Where's the control room?

I don't know, he didn't show me where it was.

Great. That means we only have 117 rooms to search. Come on.

All right, stand back.

It's no use. We'll never find him.

We've got to. I want my children to drink champagne.

You never told me you were married.

Well, they're my imaginary children.

Thank goodness.

[MAN SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

We only have 60 seconds.

SOLO: We've got one chance.

Trace the wire from the speaker.

[MAN COUNTING DOWN IN FRENCH OVER SPEAKER]

Storage closet?

Ah!

Come in, Monsieur Solo.

You are just in time to see the bird fly.

I don't recognize you without your pretty white suit, Robespierre.

I've been mourning for the innocent who must die...

...so that virtue may triumph.

Wait, can't you at least warn them, give them a chance to get out...

...to save themselves?

It is too late now.

The die is cast, nothing can stop it now.

- Leave the switch alone. - Not even if you kill me.

That red button. That's the abort switch. It's the only way to stop the missile.

Solo. Not another step.

Don't make me do this.

I don't want to hurt you.

I shall have to kill you.

Kill a woman, Robespiene?

[GUNSHOT]

[ROBESPIERRE GROANS]

Oh. IIIya.

What took you so long?

SOLO: We realized you might be getting hungry so we brought some bread.

- And cheese. SOLO: And wine.

ILLYA: And what did you bring for me, a bowl of milk?

SOLO: I'd sort of gotten used to seeing you that way.

ILLYA: You know something, I am a little hungry.

Being guillotined always gives me a great appetite.

Oh, you know, we forgot something.

ILLYA: What's that? - The knife.

SOLO: Uh-uh.

ILLYA: Go.

[ILLYA CHUCKLES]

[ENGLISH SDH]