Original subtitles

I've confirmed Dr. Grayson's arrival at the New York Airport.

He should be entering the terminal any moment.

Fine. Just keep in mind that the film he's carrying is of the utmost importance.

Yes, sir.

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Announcing the arrival of Flight 26 from Paris.

Flight 26 from Paris now arriving at the gate.

WOMAN: Sir?

Would you have a match, please?

Here. Let me try.

[YELLING]

Dr. Grayson.

[GUNSHOT]

[SCREAMS]

Hey, wait. Come back with my film.

Hey, wait.

Our film lab ran off this 16 mm film print...

...from the negative Mr. Solo recovered from Dr. Grayson.

[PROJECTOR WHIRRING]

[MACHINE HUMMING]

[MACHINE BEEPS]

[ERUPTIONS]

SOLO: Well, it would seem that Thrush has found some way to activate volcanoes.

ILLYA: Dr. Grayson, I presume.

Yes, Mr. Kuryakin. Dr. Grayson was one of the world's foremost geologists.

Evidently, Thrush Eastern got a stranglehold on him.

He managed to inform U.N.C.L.E. headquarters in Japan...

...that he had a vital discovery he wanted to tum over to them.

And something happened. Either Thrush got to him or he panicked or something.

Why should Thrush be interested in volcanoes?

Intelligence informs us that Thrush Eastern...

...has called a high-level meeting of Thrush scientists.

Obviously for a demonstration of their volcanic activator.

- Volcanic activator? SOLO: Uh-huh.

So we have Thrush scientists from many countries...

...all of them with one thing in common. They have volcanoes within their holders.

Now, if Thrush activates those volcanoes...

...they'll have a powerful hold over those countries.

- Right? - It's charming.

Precisely why we have to find their volcanic device.

Which leads us to Japan.

Our film laboratory has made a print...

...from the negative Mr. Yukio recovered from Dr. Grayson.

Gentlemen, our volcanic activator.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[PROJECTOR WHIRRING]

[MAN SINGING AND GIRLS SCREAMING ON TV]

KUTUZOV: Lights, please.

I do not wish to spoil anyone's entertainment...

...but forgive me, I have already seen this particular film.

No doubt our film is now in the hands of U.N.C.L.E.

We suspect Thrush Eastern is headquartered in the Kiru area...

...but we don't know exactly where.

Any leads?

Well, we do know that one of their fronts is the Ogaki Academy for Judo and Karate.

Evidently a training center for Thrush Eastern.

You'll begin there, Mr. Solo.

What do you have in mind for me, sir?

WAVERLY: Ah, yes. Yes, um...

Young woman Mr. Solo met at the airport.

Miss Cricket Okasada. Japanese, age 26.

Graduate of the Sorbonne in France.

Occupation, dubbing expert for Samson Films in Kiru.

Dubbing.

Mm-hm. That's the process where a person from one country...

...says lines on film for a person from another country--

If there's anything I can explain, don't hesitate to call.

Oh, I'm glad of that.

WAVERLY: Our security people have cleared Miss Okasada.

But her complicity with Dr. Grayson's death would give me pause for doubt.

In any case, you will have to hurry, Mr. Kuryakin.

We learned she leaves for Japan tonight.

I wish I didn't have to make this report of the unfortunate incident...

...but they're so squeamish about security, you understand.

We are honored that Thrush Central...

...feels our little project worthy of your attention.

My dear Harada...

...Thrush Central would like nothing better...

...than to have Thrush Eastern...

...assert, shall we say, a more vigorous role in our grand design.

And perhaps the demonstration of this volcanic device...

...is a first step.

Isn't it the Japanese who say...

...the longest journey must begin with the first step?

The Chinese.

[LAUGHS]

Yes. Confucius. I remember now.

Heh. It's a wonder I don't forget my own name in this heat.

Uh, don't you people believe in air conditioning?

HARADA: My apologies.

A slight malfunction. It is being attended to.

Splendid.

Aren't you, uh, staying to see the rest of the film?

I shall wait until it comes on television.

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

ILLYA: Miss Okasada is just coming into focus.

She just went into the Takata Novelty Store.

Ah-ha, apparently, the Ogaki Academy is closed to the public.

I wonder why.

Now, you go ahead. I'll check with you later.

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

Yes, it's true.

We stock these, but we ship them all over the world.

Look at the inscription on the bottom.

“To Dr. Grayson from H.“

Now, it I could just find that H., whoever he is...

...I'm sure I could find my film.

CLERK: I wish I could help you...

...but we don't even have facilities here for engraving.

What's going on here?

The sign outside said you do beautiful engraving.

[GASPS]

[PO PS]

How cute. Heh.

I'll, uh, take a dozen of these for my parents in Jersey City.

Excuse me, I am not quite finished with this young lady.

CRICKET: You mean I am not quite finished with you.

I don't know what game you are playing here...

...but every cent I have in this world is tied up in that negative.

It's the first film I've ever produced. It is irreplaceable.

My apologies. The new generation of women...

...without respect for our gracious personal traditions.

- Humility, reticence-- - I may not be terribly Oriental--

My assistant will try to help you, miss.

Take care of her, Victor.

- Run. - Why?

Aah!

Sayonara.

CLERK: Aah!

[LOCKS THUD]

[RUMBLING]

Aah!

ILLYA: Happy New Year.

[EXPLOSIONS]

[SCREAMS]

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

Pardon me, sir.

[MAN YELLS]

[GRUNTING]

So as you see...

...two-knuckles thrust is thrown from kumite--

Perhaps one of the new recruits...

...would be kind enough to allow me to demonstrate.

Ah, yes, you'll do nicely.

[MOUTHING] Me?

No, no, not you. The man behind you.

No, no, no. That's all right.

No, no, no, really. I catch cold easily, you see.

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

[MEN LAUGHING]

Ah, Mr. Solo, you wouldn't strike the man with glasses, would you?

[YUKIO YELLS]

[YUKIO YELLING]

[YUKIO GRUNTING]

Excuse me.

Stop him, stop him. U.N.C.L.E. agent.

[MEN CHATTERING]

Oh, pardon me, miss. I'm, uh, looking for the exit.

[SOLO GRUNTING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GONG SOUNDS]

KUTUZOV: Superb, my dear Harada. Superb.

I confess they are a weakness of mine. Ha-ha.

I will never cease to be amazed by the Orient.

On the one hand, you can create a dazzling spectacle such as this.

On the other hand, you can't solve a simple problem of air conditioning.

An unexpected complication, I am told.

Mm.

Well, not to change the subject, my dear Harada...

...but in writing my security report for Thrush Central...

...I have discovered there are a few gaps.

For instance?

For instance, one of your men was found skewered...

...at the bottom of the pit in your novelty store.

We have something special in mind for him.

I hope he will be of more use to you dead than he was alive.

Mm-hm.

Please don't misunderstand me, Harada.

I have no wish to run the show, as the English say...

...but in view of the alarming security problem...

...don't you think we ought to move up the date of the demonstration?

Of course, it is only a suggestion.

Something the matter?

It appears that the air conditioner was made in your country.

- Really? - And the distributor, an obstinate man...

...a man named Pasha refuses to make the trip from Tokyo.

If you please...

...allow me to attend to the matter personally.

HARADA: You are most kind.

Now, if we can return to the annoying little matter of security.

- Security. HARADA: Ahem.

Tell Yukio as soon as he disposes of the girl and the man from U.N.C.L.E...

...I want every available man here for double security.

We are moving the demonstration to within the next 24 hours.

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

[CRICKET LAUGHS THEN SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

[CRICKET LAUGHS THEN SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

Did it ever occur to you that if you found me so easily--

What do you call them? "Thrush will find me too?

Well, that's why we didn't close down that novelty-store cover of theirs.

That was very thoughtful.

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

[CRICKET LAUGHS THEN SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

You see--

Shh!

You're their only connection.

In a few minutes, this telephone is going to ring, and when it does--

This is sheer madness.

All I want is my film, and all 01a sudden, I'm involved in some wild plot...

...about a volcanic blow-upper...

...with people running around shooting each other.

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON-SCREEN]

Why don't you just call in the army?

Well, for one thing, we don't know where Eastern Thrush's headquarters is.

CRICKET: Shh!

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

[CRICKET LAUGHS THEN SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

Uh...

Isn't that that doctor...? What's his name?

Now, let me understand this.

You want me to expose myself...

...so I can lead you to the Thrush Eastern headquarters?

More or less.

No, thank you.

Well, at least talk to them when they call.

When they call?

[PHONE RINGS]

[MAN SPEAKING JAPANESE THEN WOMAN LAUGHS ON-SCREEN]

Could you hold it, please?

Hi.

Yes, this is she.

MAN [ON PHONE]: Listen carefully if you want to get your film back.

Yes?

At 4:00 this afternoon, come to the novelty store.

Yes?

Alone. is that clear?

[PHONE CLICKS]

Now, wait a minute--

Well?

[SIGHS]

I don't know. I--

I want that film, but it is beginning to lose something in the translation.

Tell me, Mr. Kuryakin, are you talented in your profession?

- Yes. - Do you know that that man in there...

...has been listening to everything we have said?

Yes, I put him there. He's an U.N.C.L.E. agent.

Don't worry, Miss Okasada.

I'll be right behind you.

And Mr. Solo?

No, I'm afraid Mr. Solo won't be able to join us.

I've been unable to get in touch with him.

I think he may be having a little trouble at the Ogaki Academy.

No doubt you are wondering...

...what manner of plant...

...is growing underneath your back.

Well, somehow I had the feeling you'd tell me.

Bamboo, Mr. Solo. Bamboo.

In a few hours, Solo san. certainly not later than this evening...

...these shoots will begin to prick your back, and then...

Well, I always say everyone should have a hobby.

[LAUGHING]

In case you're wondering about your friends...

...allow us to relieve your anxiety.

Miss Okasada is going to the novelty store...

...no doubt in the belief that Mr. Kuryakin is behind her.

Unfortunately for her...

...we have arranged a little detour for Mr. Kuryakin.

[IN FRIGHTENED VOICE] Police? Police.

Oh, thank heaven. My name is Cricket Okasada.

Okasada. I work at the Samson Film Company.

Oh, I'm terribly frightened.

Ever since I arrived in Japan I've been followed.

Good luck.

CRICKET: Where you going?

I'll follow behind you in my car. Keep you covered.

- What about if the whole thing is a trap? - Oh, I'm sure it is.

We just have to take the chance.

[SIREN WAILING]

ILLYA: Don't worry. Go on.

Would you be kind enough to accompany us, please?

[WOMAN SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

Hello?

Mr. Solo?

You're just in time for the harvest.

- Lucky for you I saw IIIya being arrested. SOLO: Isn't it?

With IIIya out of the picture, you were my only other alternative.

Well, you could have gone to the police and--

But they don't have my film.

I don't suppose you have seen it, have you?

Well, I'll try and catch it at my neighborhood theater.

All of a sudden, you are pretty cocky for a man whose life I just saved.

Well, in my own boyish way, I am trying to thank you.

That's better.

Uh, one question.

Just one question, Mr. Kuryakin.

Why do you carry two guns?

One of them is a novelty item. A toy.

Well, of course.

[GUNSHOT THEN GLASS BREAKING]

I believe it's the other one.

Just what is this organization, the U.N.C.L.E.?

The U.N.C.L.E. is a worldwide organization...

...dedicated to the preservation of world peace.

Oh, like the Salvation Army?

In about 10 minutes, a young girl will be in great danger.

She needs protection.

Well, how about calling the ambassador? Or at least let me call him.

Do you wish me to appear foolish in the ambassador's eyes?

All you have to do is to pick up the telephone and call U.N.C.L.E. headquarters.

Ah, but who is U.N.C.L.E.?

[COMMUNICATOR BEEPING]

Allow me.

Class D, top priority. Please scramble.

WAVERLY [OVER COMMUNICATOR]: Hellu?

It's Mr. Kuryakin here, sir.

Ah, yes, Mr. Kuryakin. I've been waiting for your report.

Well, actually, I'm having a slight problem with the authorities.

A word or two from the ambassador might help expedite matters.

Oh.

Well, uh, all right, Mr. Kuryakin. I'll see to that.

Unfortunately. we don't have a great deal of time.

Everything seems to indicate that our feathered friends...

...have moved up the demonstration to within the next 24 hours.

Has Mr. Solo succeeded in finding their nest?

I'm afraid Mr. Solo has fallen on hard times, sir.

I see.

You're having a problem with the authorities...

...and Mr. Solo has fallen on hard times.

Where's Miss Okasada?

Don't tell me she's fallen on hard times as well.

I'm afraid so, sir.

Well, it seems as if I'd better stay in closer personal touch...

...with your situation there.

I'll leave for our Tokyo office right away. Now, that'll be all, Mr. Kuryakin.

- How much? How much is one of these? - I haven't the vaguest idea.

Oh, maybe $500.

Well, we could make them for half the price.

[CHUCKLES]

[MACHINE HUMMING]

I think if we step outside, we could have a closer look.

I must say I am impressed. Very impressed.

Just imagine.

Within 24 hours, the world will witness a catastrophe...

...the like of which it has never seen before.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING ON TV]

Ah, Mr. Kutuzov. Look.

[PEOPLE CHEERING ON TV]

Baseball.

I cannot understand your passion for the American game of baseball.

What I want to know is, in what country are you going to activate the volcano?

Mount Kilo in Vulgaria.

- Why Vulgaria? - Why not?

Well, I suppose the demonstration must take place somewhere.

So long as it isn't in my country.

Still, I do think it's a little ghoulish...

...to have the Vulgarian representative of Thrush sitting here...

...watching the destruction of his own country.

Unfortunately, he will not be able to join us.

Oh? Why not?

Apparently, he regards the idea of the volcanic activator as preposterous.

Besides, he informed us that he was too busy...

...with experiments of his own.

With what experiments?

It seems he is conducting a geological expedition on Mount Kilo.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, my dear Harada. You do have a sense of humor after all.

Incidentally, Harada. after the demonstration...

...will you please have your men prepare the activator...

...for transfer to Thrush Central?

- Did I hear you correctly? - Believe me, my friend.

It was the most difficult decision I ever had to make in my life.

You don't know how much it pained me.

Still, in view 01, shall we say. questionable security...

...I could scarcely make any other decision.

Just the same, I want you to know I was most generous in my praise of you.

Particularly in regard to your role in this little project.

You are most kind.

Most kind.

So that's why IIIya was arrested. Pretty clever, those guys.

They have their moments.

- Where are we going now? - The novelty store.

The novelty store?

Don't you think you ought to go home to a nice warm bath and a good night's sleep?

Go across the street and go inside.

- I'll be watching you. - I'd like to think you are kidding.

They don't know I'm free, which gives us the element of surprise.

Yeah, I've had a conversation like this before.

Besides, the store is closed.

I think they'd make an exception in your case.

Not a chance.

Think what you'd be doing for humanity.

Uh-uh.

Think of your film.

CRICKET: Hello?

Hello?

Oh--

Oh, hello.

[SCREAMING]

YUKIO: Ah, Mr. Solo.

Don't tell me you rose 0” the deathbed just to come to our little sale.

[LAUGHS]

Welcome to Kim, Mr. Solo.

- Home of Thrush Eastern? - Exactly.

Mr. Yukio tells me that you are quite a student of karate.

I hope, uh, things weren't too unpleasant for you.

No, no. Actually, I was beginning to enjoy it.

Unfortunately. I couldn't keep up the payments.

[HARADA LAUGHING THEN CRICKET GASPS]

Hey, I'm no puppet. I'm a real live girl, remember?

How did a nice Japanese girl like you wind up in a place like this?

Look, you silly old man, you better--

[GASPS]

Now, after we demonstrate the volcanic activator...

...we have some special entertainment in store for you, Mr. Solo.

- They're going to show my film. - No, my dear.

This is going to be alive performance.

At least at the beginning.

No strings attached?

Why, Mr. Solo, what an amusing pun.

I hope you will be just as amused by the samurai's performance.

[WHISPERING]

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

Something wrong I hope?

It appears Sandy Koufax just pitched another no-hitter.

“Pasha Air Conditioning.“

Open Channel D, please.

- Yes? - It's Mr. Kuryakin here, sir.

Ah, yes, Mr. Kuryakin.

- Were you able to locate Miss Okasada? - I'm afraid I didn't arrive in time.

Evidentlv, they have Miss Okasada and Mr. Solo.

I do have a lead though. I've discovered they're having trouble...

...with their air conditioning.

I see.

- Well, what do you suggest? - We can't rush the building.

That would jeopardize Mr. Solo and Miss Okasada.

I'll need reinforcements later. Please stand by until I signal.

I'll be waiting for your signal, Mr. Kuryakin.

Could I have some more of that tea?

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

Gentlemen...

...this is a moment of great significance in Thrush history.

But before proceeding further...

...I would like to commemorate this demonstration...

...to my late and dear friend, Mr. Kutuzov...

...without whose assistance, more than assistance...

...spiritual guidance...

...this demonstration could not be taking place.

MAN: It's hotter in here than in the volcano.

Can't you do anything about it?

It's being attended to.

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

It will be repaired in five minutes.

Cricket, I, uh...

I don't quite know how this is going to tum out.

But in any case, thank you.

Oh, don't thank me.

I thought, to tell you the truth, there might be a picture in all of this.

On second thought, I don't think anybody would believe it.

Why do you do that?

Do what?

I mean, why do you go around with this, you know, tough attitude...

...as though you don't care about anything or anybody?

I do not.

Do I?

Why don't you, uh, accept the fact that you're a lovely, intelligent girl?

You know...

...you are not like your average run-of-the-mill secret agent at all.

You're really very nice.

Thank you.

And you are 99 percent right.

About what?

I am a lovely, intelligent girl.

[DEVICE BUZZING]

[HARADA SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

I have a lot of calls to make.

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

[SCREAMING AND YELLING]

Pasha. 01 Whatever your name is.

I was given to understand that the West considered suicide foolhardy.

Because that's what you have just done.

Committed suicide.

Well...

Ah, nice shot. Hmm.

You were marvelous, Mr. Solo. Hey.

Well, you see. I have my moments too.

Get back to the control room. I'll escort him to his friends.

Move along, Mr. U.N.C.L.E. man.

I think it's only fair to warn you, I threw the javelin in college.

Some people thought I was rather remarkable.

Mm-hm. How interesting, Mr. Solo.

Someday we'll have to exchange success stories.

Now, if you will be kind enough to return--

SOLO: I think not.

You surprise me, Mr. Solo. I gave you more credit than this.

A sword against a gun? Really.

Well, I was never much of a percentage player.

I wonder what the percentages are on me pitching a no-hitter.

What do you do for an encore?

You don't even seem surprised.

Well, it just so happens that, uh...

You mean you had that all the time?

You don't think I'd give him the real gun, do you?

I wanted him to lead me to you first.

- Why did you wait so long? - I've never seen a javelin thrown before.

You may yet.

That's right. We have one, but there may be some more.

Well, unlike Mr. Solo, I am a percentage player.

And so...

Open Channel D, please.

Mr. Waverly, you can get your men to rush the building new.

You-- You mean it's all over?

You sound disappointed.

Oh, heck. I was just getting the hang of it.

[CREDITS MUSIC PLAYS ON-SCREEN]

[CLAPPING]

WAVERLY: Oh. Excellent film. Excellent. Admirable.

CRICKET: Thank you.

Mind you, we wouldn't want it to get around...

...that we spend our afternoons this way, Miss Okasada.

Our image, you know?

You are all very sweet. Just one question, Mr. Solo.

- Mm-hm. - Did you really throw the javelin in college?

Yes, Napoleon. Tell us about your javelin-throwing days.

Well, ahem, it's a very personal, intimate kind of a story.

And I'll save the arresting details...

...to be revealed to Miss Okasada over a cocktail.

Just a moment, Mr. Solo.

I'd rather hoped that Miss Okasada would have tea with me in my office.

- May I have the pleasure? - I'd love to.

Uh, I'm afraid we may have to postpone our date, Mr. Solo.

ILLYA: I'd like to hear your story.

Anytime.

[ENGLISH SDH]