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1
00:00:12,526 --> 00:00:17,526
(theme music playing)
2
00:00:23,776 --> 00:00:27,109
♪ ♪
3
00:00:32,609 --> 00:00:35,984
Announcer (over TV):
It's No Dice! A game of wits,
a game of skill,
4
00:00:36,067 --> 00:00:38,025
but most of all,
a game of chance,
5
00:00:38,109 --> 00:00:42,693
where brains will
only get you so far,
because on No Dice...
6
00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:45,984
Audience:
The dice decide!
7
00:00:46,067 --> 00:00:50,359
Announcer:
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for the Hot Table.
8
00:00:50,442 --> 00:00:52,025
Does paradise await?
9
00:00:52,109 --> 00:00:55,901
Or will Floyd succumb
to the viscous snake eyes?
10
00:00:55,984 --> 00:00:57,442
Back to you, Chip.
11
00:00:57,526 --> 00:01:00,359
Chip: Floyd, your total
for the week is 12,500,
12
00:01:00,442 --> 00:01:02,150
plus you've won
the living room set.
13
00:01:02,234 --> 00:01:05,693
-It's a lot on the line, Floyd.
-Floyd: Sure, it is.
14
00:01:05,776 --> 00:01:07,609
Chip:
It's all up to you, Floyd.
15
00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:10,442
Are you going to walk away
or let it ride?
16
00:01:10,526 --> 00:01:12,776
- (audience cheering)
-Floyd: Um, I, um...
17
00:01:12,859 --> 00:01:15,526
-He should be here any minute.
-Floyd: I'm going
to let it ride.
18
00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:17,859
Chip:
He's going to let it ride!
19
00:01:18,859 --> 00:01:20,484
Are you nervous?
20
00:01:23,109 --> 00:01:25,067
It's okay.
I'm nervous too.
21
00:01:25,150 --> 00:01:29,609
Chip: Are you
r-r-r-ready to roll?
22
00:01:29,693 --> 00:01:31,234
Floyd:
I'm ready to roll, Chip!
23
00:01:31,317 --> 00:01:33,401
(TV clicks off)
24
00:01:34,067 --> 00:01:37,651
Hey. You're about to have
the real thing, right?
25
00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:42,317
♪ ♪
26
00:01:44,818 --> 00:01:47,317
(groans, sighs)
27
00:01:51,734 --> 00:01:54,025
(exhales loudly)
28
00:01:58,025 --> 00:01:59,776
(flask sloshes)
29
00:01:59,859 --> 00:02:04,109
Sir, just a reminder,
we are filming this visit
for Dreams2realities.com.
30
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:07,526
Steph, how long have you
been working on the show?
31
00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:13,025
How about a mint?
32
00:02:17,317 --> 00:02:18,818
Wallet.
33
00:02:19,818 --> 00:02:21,025
Phone.
34
00:02:22,818 --> 00:02:25,776
All right, we're doing
15 minutes tops
with this old bag.
35
00:02:25,859 --> 00:02:29,734
So when I say,
"Boy, I sure have
the best fans!"
36
00:02:29,818 --> 00:02:33,192
you make a pained expression,
look at your watch and say,
"I'm so sorry--"
37
00:02:33,275 --> 00:02:35,150
"Sorry, we have to head
to the airport now."
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00:02:35,234 --> 00:02:38,234
Now, watch how it's done.
I might even get us
out of here in 10.
39
00:02:38,317 --> 00:02:41,401
(knocks "Shave and a Haircut")
40
00:02:42,359 --> 00:02:44,984
Mr. Crawford.
Please, come in.
41
00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:47,567
And where is
the lucky young lady?!
42
00:02:48,818 --> 00:02:50,818
Well, hello there.
You must be Enid.
43
00:02:50,901 --> 00:02:53,234
Wow. You know, I was
just telling Steph here,
44
00:02:53,317 --> 00:02:58,484
we were just so moved, Enid,
when we'd heard your story.
45
00:02:58,567 --> 00:03:01,776
We couldn't wait
to come and meet
such a special lady.
46
00:03:02,693 --> 00:03:06,234
Oh boy. Tea time
with Chip and Enid.
47
00:03:06,693 --> 00:03:08,067
I love tea.
48
00:03:08,150 --> 00:03:12,609
Enid, I hear that you are
the biggest No Dice fan
49
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:14,567
in your retirement community.
50
00:03:14,651 --> 00:03:17,025
In fact, it says here that...
51
00:03:17,109 --> 00:03:20,901
you wrestled a man for
the remote when he tried
to change the channel.
52
00:03:21,442 --> 00:03:24,484
Steph, I think I found
my new bodyguard. (laughs)
53
00:03:24,567 --> 00:03:27,609
Steph, let's show Enid some
of those amazing prizes.
54
00:03:27,693 --> 00:03:28,901
Okay? (claps)
55
00:03:31,275 --> 00:03:33,025
Thanks, hon.
56
00:03:33,109 --> 00:03:34,484
Oh, Enid.
Look at this.
57
00:03:34,567 --> 00:03:37,526
It's a No Dice T-shirt.
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00:03:37,609 --> 00:03:39,109
(laughs): Yeah.
59
00:03:39,609 --> 00:03:41,734
Oh, that's gonna look
terrific on you.
60
00:03:41,818 --> 00:03:44,859
Uh... Oh. Oh wow!
61
00:03:44,943 --> 00:03:47,901
Enid, look at that!
It's a genuine No Dice buzzer.
62
00:03:47,984 --> 00:03:49,109
(buzzes)
63
00:03:49,192 --> 00:03:51,192
You know, they don't give these
to just anyone.
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00:03:51,818 --> 00:03:54,109
Yeah. You know what?
Can we do that one again?
65
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:56,359
Let's take that one again.
All right.
66
00:03:56,442 --> 00:03:59,567
What do we have here?
Oh, holy smokes,
67
00:03:59,651 --> 00:04:01,943
a genuine No Dice buzzer!
68
00:04:02,025 --> 00:04:02,901
(buzzes)
69
00:04:02,984 --> 00:04:04,442
Even I don't have one of these.
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00:04:04,526 --> 00:04:05,734
(laughs)
Here.
71
00:04:05,818 --> 00:04:08,859
-Okay, keep it comin', Steph.
-(snaps fingers)
72
00:04:08,943 --> 00:04:13,067
Enid, I think we got one more
amazing prize for you.
73
00:04:13,150 --> 00:04:17,150
Wow. Look at that.
Genuine No Dice dice.
74
00:04:20,651 --> 00:04:22,859
Mmm. Lipton's?
75
00:04:24,150 --> 00:04:25,359
My favorite.
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00:04:28,567 --> 00:04:30,109
Ah!
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00:04:30,651 --> 00:04:33,776
Boy. I sure have the best fans.
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00:04:41,192 --> 00:04:43,234
Could you excuse me
for just a minute?
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00:04:45,317 --> 00:04:47,109
(quietly):
We got this, Steph.
We're outta here.
80
00:04:47,192 --> 00:04:49,317
Sir, we haven't even
been here for five minutes.
81
00:04:49,401 --> 00:04:52,275
Tea time. Enid. Chip.
Bam. Done. We're out.
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00:04:52,359 --> 00:04:54,275
Mr. Crawford,
with all due respect,
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00:04:54,359 --> 00:04:56,401
if the goal here is to
demonstrate your humanity
84
00:04:56,484 --> 00:04:57,901
-and relatability--
-Zip it!
85
00:04:57,984 --> 00:04:59,776
Now, you listen to me, missy.
86
00:04:59,859 --> 00:05:01,442
You think you can
tell me what to do?
87
00:05:01,526 --> 00:05:04,401
I'm the talent,
and I say when we're done,
and we're done here.
88
00:05:05,025 --> 00:05:08,317
I could have your little
millennial ass fired
just like this.
89
00:05:08,401 --> 00:05:10,693
-So if you think for one sec--
-Enid: Thank you.
90
00:05:16,025 --> 00:05:18,234
-What's that?
-(sighs)
91
00:05:19,567 --> 00:05:21,275
For coming here.
92
00:05:22,901 --> 00:05:23,943
Thank...
93
00:05:25,609 --> 00:05:26,693
Thank you, Chip.
94
00:05:26,776 --> 00:05:27,901
(sighs)
95
00:05:29,025 --> 00:05:31,067
(sniffles, sighs)
96
00:05:31,526 --> 00:05:35,609
I'm so sorry
I was so shy before, I...
97
00:05:35,693 --> 00:05:37,067
(sighs)
98
00:05:37,150 --> 00:05:40,567
I guess I was just nervous
to meet you, you know?
99
00:05:41,067 --> 00:05:43,901
You see, I am your biggest fan.
100
00:05:44,609 --> 00:05:47,484
-Is that right?
-Oh yes.
101
00:05:47,567 --> 00:05:53,025
I... love... No Dice. I...
102
00:05:53,776 --> 00:05:56,693
How even if you work
your way to the Hot Table,
103
00:05:56,776 --> 00:05:59,401
it's still up to chance.
104
00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:01,317
The dice decide.
105
00:06:01,818 --> 00:06:05,526
It's-it's wonderful.
It's like life.
106
00:06:05,609 --> 00:06:08,484
Uh-huh. Start filming again.
107
00:06:13,025 --> 00:06:16,818
Listen, I don't remember
too much these days.
108
00:06:16,901 --> 00:06:21,150
But I sure do remember
the first time I saw No Dice.
109
00:06:21,776 --> 00:06:24,526
Oh, when that lady won,
and you picked her up
110
00:06:24,609 --> 00:06:29,484
and you swung her around,
it was like you'd won too.
111
00:06:32,275 --> 00:06:35,150
What I really, really love
about No Dice ...
112
00:06:36,943 --> 00:06:39,109
is you, Chip.
113
00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:42,859
And-and at
my retirement community
114
00:06:42,943 --> 00:06:44,734
when those ladies
at the other table,
115
00:06:44,818 --> 00:06:46,734
they wanna watch Wheel,
116
00:06:46,818 --> 00:06:48,275
I get so mad. I say,
117
00:06:48,359 --> 00:06:50,401
"Why would you
settle for second best
118
00:06:50,484 --> 00:06:52,776
when you can have Chip?"
(sniffles)
119
00:06:52,859 --> 00:06:56,025
When they wanna
turn the channel,
I wanna smack 'em.
120
00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:59,317
-(Enid chuckles)
-(Chip sighs)
121
00:07:00,442 --> 00:07:02,234
Well. Um...
122
00:07:02,693 --> 00:07:07,359
I am so glad that we could
make your dream come true,
Enid.
123
00:07:07,442 --> 00:07:10,984
If you're happy,
I'm happy.
124
00:07:15,150 --> 00:07:19,401
So, um,
I think it's about time--
125
00:07:19,484 --> 00:07:21,693
Julius: To play.
126
00:07:24,776 --> 00:07:27,192
-Play what?
-No Dice.
127
00:07:28,025 --> 00:07:29,859
That was the dream.
128
00:07:30,776 --> 00:07:32,109
The dream?
129
00:07:32,192 --> 00:07:34,317
Dreams 2 Realities.
130
00:07:35,401 --> 00:07:38,109
Play No Dice with Chip Crawford.
131
00:07:38,192 --> 00:07:39,734
(scoffs)
132
00:07:40,150 --> 00:07:41,693
I thought it was tea time?
133
00:07:41,776 --> 00:07:45,442
Oh, well, I always serve
refreshments to my guests.
134
00:07:45,526 --> 00:07:50,693
Oh God, I can't believe
I'm gonna play No Dice
with Chip Crawford!
135
00:07:55,067 --> 00:07:59,150
Oh... boy. Does that sound fun.
136
00:07:59,234 --> 00:08:01,609
-(gasps)
-Chip: And special.
137
00:08:01,693 --> 00:08:03,359
Wow.
138
00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:05,818
You know,
I would absolutely love
139
00:08:05,901 --> 00:08:08,984
to play No Dice with you ,
Enid, my biggest fan.
140
00:08:09,067 --> 00:08:12,234
But the thing is, we really
need to get to the airport.
141
00:08:12,317 --> 00:08:15,025
You wouldn't want me to miss
my flight, would you?
142
00:08:15,109 --> 00:08:16,943
No, of course not.
143
00:08:17,025 --> 00:08:18,651
Then they'd have to do
No Dice without me,
144
00:08:18,734 --> 00:08:20,901
and I know
you don't want that.
145
00:08:22,442 --> 00:08:25,234
It's Steph's fault,
really.
146
00:08:25,317 --> 00:08:28,109
It's just a rookie mistake,
but she makes them all the time.
147
00:08:28,192 --> 00:08:30,818
Truth is, it's becoming
a bit of a pattern...
148
00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:32,484
-(scoffs)
-...with her.
149
00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:34,609
-The job's not a good fit--
-No, Chip.
150
00:08:34,693 --> 00:08:37,442
Actually our flight
isn't for three hours.
151
00:08:37,859 --> 00:08:39,150
Steph, uh...
152
00:08:39,234 --> 00:08:41,234
In fact, if I head
to the airport now,
153
00:08:41,317 --> 00:08:43,609
I can pick up your
Preparation H on the way.
154
00:08:43,693 --> 00:08:45,234
Still extra strength, right?
155
00:08:45,317 --> 00:08:46,693
(laughs)
156
00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:49,359
Oh, that is funny, Steph!
157
00:08:49,442 --> 00:08:51,359
That's really funny.
The thing is,
158
00:08:51,442 --> 00:08:53,401
I need you to drive me
to the airport.
159
00:08:53,484 --> 00:08:58,317
That's fine Chip.
I'll call a car for you
in, say, one hour?
160
00:08:58,401 --> 00:09:01,651
That should give you and Enid
plenty of time to play No Dice.
161
00:09:02,693 --> 00:09:03,943
Have fun!
162
00:09:08,901 --> 00:09:10,818
(groans)
163
00:09:13,776 --> 00:09:15,776
More tea, dear?
164
00:09:16,109 --> 00:09:18,401
Oh no. I've had plenty.
165
00:09:25,484 --> 00:09:27,984
-Now where are you going?
-Smoke break.
166
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:30,859
Julius gets one every two hours.
167
00:09:33,984 --> 00:09:36,109
Can I ask
you something?
168
00:09:38,859 --> 00:09:40,150
Fine.
169
00:09:41,025 --> 00:09:44,317
Do you remember that
little move you used to make?
170
00:09:45,526 --> 00:09:47,275
-What?
-You know...
171
00:09:47,818 --> 00:09:51,025
"Are you r-r-r-ready to roll?"
172
00:09:51,109 --> 00:09:52,567
(giggles) Remember?
173
00:09:52,651 --> 00:09:57,484
You used to say it like that.
"Are you r-r-r-ready to roll?"
174
00:09:58,275 --> 00:10:00,150
Why did you change it?
175
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:05,192
Well, Enid, the same reason
I still have this mustache--
176
00:10:05,275 --> 00:10:07,025
you fans.
177
00:10:07,484 --> 00:10:08,484
What?
178
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:11,567
Clean-shaven Chip
didn't test well.
179
00:10:11,651 --> 00:10:13,609
You fans decided
you didn't want Chip
180
00:10:13,693 --> 00:10:15,484
to wink or point
at the camera anymore.
181
00:10:15,567 --> 00:10:19,651
You fans decided that
would make you uncomfortable.
182
00:10:20,859 --> 00:10:22,901
You fans. (sighs)
183
00:10:25,526 --> 00:10:27,693
Are you all right, Chip?
184
00:10:29,192 --> 00:10:31,067
Do I seem not all right?
185
00:10:31,150 --> 00:10:34,275
You just-- you don't
seem like yourself.
186
00:10:34,359 --> 00:10:36,067
Not myself?
187
00:10:37,192 --> 00:10:39,776
Do I not seem like
myself to you?
188
00:10:39,859 --> 00:10:43,109
You seem different from
how you are on the show.
189
00:10:43,192 --> 00:10:45,109
Well, Enid.
190
00:10:45,192 --> 00:10:47,943
Let's see, I've got
the network up my ass,
191
00:10:48,025 --> 00:10:49,442
telling me that
my ratings are down,
192
00:10:49,526 --> 00:10:51,109
and my audience
is turning on me.
193
00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:55,401
And now I've been abandoned
by my producer,
194
00:10:55,484 --> 00:10:58,734
and I am stuck in this
shitty motel room with you.
195
00:10:58,818 --> 00:11:03,025
So forgive me, if as I make
your dreams into reality,
196
00:11:03,109 --> 00:11:06,025
I'm not perfectly cheery!
197
00:11:06,109 --> 00:11:10,567
So does this mean we're
not gonna play No Dic ?
198
00:11:11,901 --> 00:11:14,734
See! This is what you get!
199
00:11:14,818 --> 00:11:17,859
You can't please the network!
Can't please the fans!
Can't win!
200
00:11:17,943 --> 00:11:20,984
This is what you get
from being the nice guy!
201
00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:22,526
You get bled out!
202
00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:24,401
I gotta take a stand somewhere.
203
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:27,192
I don't care if I have
to walk to the airport.
204
00:11:27,275 --> 00:11:29,109
I'm outta here!
205
00:11:30,234 --> 00:11:31,943
Excuse me, Julius!
206
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,401
Hey!
207
00:11:34,776 --> 00:11:36,442
You just assaulted me!
208
00:11:36,526 --> 00:11:38,776
Your nurse just assaulted me.
209
00:11:40,484 --> 00:11:44,275
This... This is where
I call the cops.
210
00:11:46,776 --> 00:11:47,859
Fuck!
211
00:11:48,317 --> 00:11:51,317
Okay. This is where
I call the cops!
212
00:11:54,526 --> 00:11:57,734
-What the--
-Oh, Chip.
213
00:11:58,984 --> 00:12:02,776
I can't believe
you don't remember me.
214
00:12:04,109 --> 00:12:08,526
"Up next we have Enid Brown
from Madison, Wisconsin.
215
00:12:08,609 --> 00:12:12,442
"Enid, it says here
you enjoy bridge club,
216
00:12:12,526 --> 00:12:16,859
"and make original needlepoints
of club members' dogs.
217
00:12:16,943 --> 00:12:19,734
"That sounds fantastic, Enid.
218
00:12:19,818 --> 00:12:22,317
Maybe I could
commission one of them."
219
00:12:24,484 --> 00:12:28,025
-You were on No Dice ?
-Mm-hmm.
220
00:12:28,109 --> 00:12:33,401
June 6th, 1993.
Episode 1053.
221
00:12:33,484 --> 00:12:35,818
That was almost 30 years ago.
222
00:12:35,901 --> 00:12:38,484
You realize we've done
nearly 6,000 episodes, right?
223
00:12:38,567 --> 00:12:42,192
Six thousand three hundred
and eighty-nine.
224
00:12:42,818 --> 00:12:47,442
Yes, I know Chip. See, I am
your biggest fan, remember?
225
00:12:48,484 --> 00:12:50,984
-Sure.
-Enid: That night...
226
00:12:51,401 --> 00:12:53,734
I made it all the way
to the Hot Table.
227
00:12:53,818 --> 00:12:57,359
-Chip: Uh-huh.
-Yeah. You wanna know
how I did it?
228
00:12:57,859 --> 00:13:00,651
-(sighs) No.
-I let it ride, Chip.
229
00:13:00,734 --> 00:13:02,526
It was all on the line.
230
00:13:02,943 --> 00:13:05,025
And then I rolled a seven.
231
00:13:06,067 --> 00:13:06,984
I won.
232
00:13:07,067 --> 00:13:10,943
But the judges
made me roll again,
233
00:13:11,025 --> 00:13:14,150
because of the hands
on the table.
234
00:13:14,943 --> 00:13:20,567
You see, when the dice hit
anything, anything at all,
they call interference,
235
00:13:20,651 --> 00:13:25,651
and the dice hit hands,
your hands, Chip.
236
00:13:26,693 --> 00:13:29,234
Why would I put my hands
on the Hot Table?
237
00:13:29,317 --> 00:13:33,734
Well, I'm pretty sure you
had your hands on the table
to steady yourself, Chip,
238
00:13:33,818 --> 00:13:38,275
because you were blackout drunk
and staring at my breasts!
239
00:13:38,359 --> 00:13:42,442
And because of your hands,
I lost...
240
00:13:44,234 --> 00:13:46,943
the Golden Grandfather Clock.
241
00:13:48,234 --> 00:13:49,734
(scoffs)
242
00:13:49,818 --> 00:13:52,984
The... Golden Grandfather Clock?
243
00:13:53,067 --> 00:13:54,776
Yes, that's what I wanted, Chip.
244
00:13:54,859 --> 00:13:58,234
And that's what I lost
because of you.
245
00:14:00,693 --> 00:14:02,275
That's it?
246
00:14:02,359 --> 00:14:04,859
You brought me here
over a clock?
247
00:14:09,651 --> 00:14:11,359
Jesus Christ.
248
00:14:12,234 --> 00:14:16,234
Well... I've got great news
for you, Enid.
249
00:14:17,901 --> 00:14:21,984
You can order Golden
Grandfather Clocks
over the Internet.
250
00:14:22,067 --> 00:14:25,526
And get this:
It would be my pleasure,
my great pleasure,
251
00:14:25,609 --> 00:14:28,609
to buy you, Enid,
a Golden Grandfather Clock.
252
00:14:28,693 --> 00:14:31,984
-Just send me your address--
-Enid: I don't want your money.
253
00:14:33,275 --> 00:14:36,317
I'm your biggest fan.
You're trying to buy me off?
254
00:14:36,401 --> 00:14:39,401
I'm 80 years old!
I don't need money!
255
00:14:39,484 --> 00:14:42,984
-I don't follow.
-The dice decide.
256
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:45,401
That's the whole point
of the show, isn't it?
257
00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:51,275
And the dice decided that I,
Enid Brown, was the winner.
258
00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:56,401
I'd never won anything
in my life before.
259
00:14:57,359 --> 00:15:02,234
For once, I wanted to be
the one with confetti
raining down on me,
260
00:15:02,317 --> 00:15:04,401
and everyone cheering for me.
261
00:15:04,484 --> 00:15:07,025
And I thought maybe you'd
pick me up and swing me around
262
00:15:07,109 --> 00:15:09,859
like you did on that
first episode I saw.
263
00:15:11,859 --> 00:15:15,859
And then, I'd look at that
grandfather clock and...
264
00:15:15,943 --> 00:15:18,859
and remember the greatest day
of my life.
265
00:15:18,943 --> 00:15:21,693
But instead,
it was the worst day.
266
00:15:23,609 --> 00:15:25,651
You don't make it easy, Chip.
267
00:15:27,401 --> 00:15:31,984
You ruined my roll because
you were drunk and ogling me.
268
00:15:33,150 --> 00:15:34,567
Now I forgave you,
269
00:15:34,651 --> 00:15:38,150
'cause I kept remembering
how you swung that lady around,
270
00:15:38,234 --> 00:15:39,943
how happy you were for her
and I thought,
271
00:15:40,025 --> 00:15:42,442
how can I stay mad at him?
272
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:46,943
So I watched you for years,
and I stuck with you,
273
00:15:47,025 --> 00:15:49,150
through the drinking
and the hair plugs,
274
00:15:49,234 --> 00:15:51,984
and when my friends
gave up on you
275
00:15:52,067 --> 00:15:54,442
and said, "Eh, he's an asshole.
He's a drunk.
276
00:15:54,526 --> 00:15:56,109
He's an empty shell of a man."
277
00:15:56,192 --> 00:16:00,025
I had faith in you.
I had faith, Chip!
278
00:16:03,651 --> 00:16:06,234
And if you knew how
important this was to me,
279
00:16:06,317 --> 00:16:08,359
if you...
280
00:16:09,984 --> 00:16:15,651
If I got you here,
if you remembered me,
you'd make it right.
281
00:16:18,359 --> 00:16:20,192
Make it right?
282
00:16:21,150 --> 00:16:24,484
Make what right?
That you lost a game show?
283
00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,192
(scoffs)
284
00:16:26,275 --> 00:16:27,859
What about me?
285
00:16:27,943 --> 00:16:29,776
Who's gonna make it
right for me?
286
00:16:29,859 --> 00:16:32,943
You're-You're rich
and famous, Chip!
287
00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:34,442
So what?
288
00:16:35,109 --> 00:16:38,359
My whole life is
a total misery.
289
00:16:38,442 --> 00:16:40,734
All I do is host this show.
290
00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:42,776
And the few off days I have,
291
00:16:42,859 --> 00:16:45,401
I now have to spend
traveling around the country,
292
00:16:45,484 --> 00:16:49,651
groveling before my fans,
begging them to take me back.
293
00:16:49,734 --> 00:16:51,275
Geh-- I'm all yours!
294
00:16:51,359 --> 00:16:54,150
I... regrew and maintained
this mustache because of you.
295
00:16:54,234 --> 00:16:56,943
-I got these hair plugs
because of you!
-I love your mustache,
296
00:16:57,025 --> 00:16:58,651
and I don't care
about your hair.
297
00:16:58,734 --> 00:17:01,317
Chip:
I gave everything to this show.
298
00:17:01,401 --> 00:17:04,526
Before No Dice,
I was on Broadway.
299
00:17:04,609 --> 00:17:06,067
I was incredible in Hamlet .
300
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:08,067
They said I was
the next Olivier.
301
00:17:08,150 --> 00:17:09,734
I had real chops.
302
00:17:09,818 --> 00:17:14,859
But no one wants to see
Chip Crawford do anything
except No Dice.
303
00:17:14,943 --> 00:17:17,651
I built myself a prison.
304
00:17:17,734 --> 00:17:19,109
And now I want out.
305
00:17:19,192 --> 00:17:22,067
So no, Enid.
I'm not gonna make it right.
306
00:17:22,150 --> 00:17:24,317
And fuck you for asking me!
307
00:17:24,401 --> 00:17:27,818
You think I care?
Here's the truth.
308
00:17:27,901 --> 00:17:31,109
I never cared!
309
00:17:35,275 --> 00:17:37,609
I'm disappointed in you.
310
00:17:40,484 --> 00:17:47,275
You, Chip Crawford,
are a massive, colossal
disappointment.
311
00:17:50,234 --> 00:17:51,401
(sighs)
312
00:17:51,484 --> 00:17:54,984
Don't think that mommy shit
is gonna work on me.
313
00:17:57,484 --> 00:17:59,651
It's not gonna work on me.
314
00:18:00,693 --> 00:18:01,693
(sighs)
315
00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:04,317
(laughs) It's never enough.
316
00:18:04,401 --> 00:18:07,776
You just want more, and more!
317
00:18:07,859 --> 00:18:09,317
(scoffs)
318
00:18:09,401 --> 00:18:12,567
You want more? Huh?
319
00:18:12,651 --> 00:18:16,275
You want more Chip?!
I'll give you more Chip!
320
00:18:16,359 --> 00:18:19,651
You heard me!
You wanna play No Dice ?
321
00:18:20,317 --> 00:18:22,651
Let's play No Dice.
322
00:18:27,275 --> 00:18:30,317
We got Enid Brown
from Wisconsin.
323
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:34,025
Enid, step up to the Hot Table!
324
00:18:36,234 --> 00:18:38,818
Enid:
Oh... okay.
325
00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:42,067
Here, take
your goddamn dice.
326
00:18:42,150 --> 00:18:44,526
What about the trivia round?
327
00:18:45,484 --> 00:18:47,651
Trivia round?
You want a trivia round? Okay.
328
00:18:47,734 --> 00:18:50,150
I'll give you
a goddamn trivia round.
329
00:18:50,234 --> 00:18:51,734
Now, here's your buzzer.
330
00:18:52,275 --> 00:18:55,275
How many years of my life
have I relinquished
331
00:18:55,359 --> 00:18:57,567
to the ungrateful,
needy No Dice fans?
332
00:18:57,651 --> 00:18:59,192
-(buzzes)
-Thirty!
333
00:18:59,275 --> 00:19:01,734
Correct, 30 long years.
Now, next question.
334
00:19:01,818 --> 00:19:05,609
What is my real name?
The one they might have
taken seriously
335
00:19:05,693 --> 00:19:09,317
instead of the childish nickname
I am now forever saddled with.
336
00:19:09,401 --> 00:19:10,275
(buzzes)
337
00:19:10,359 --> 00:19:12,317
-Walter! (giggles)
-Correct.
338
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:14,859
And finally, what is
the name of the 1991 film
339
00:19:14,943 --> 00:19:17,609
that I wrote, directed,
starred and funded
340
00:19:17,693 --> 00:19:20,234
in a futile attempt to get
my acting career back.
341
00:19:20,317 --> 00:19:22,859
-(buzzes)
- Pangs of the Morning !
342
00:19:22,943 --> 00:19:25,651
(sighs)
I've seen it four times.
343
00:19:25,734 --> 00:19:27,234
-Really?
-Really.
344
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:30,234
All right, it's time
for the fucking Hot Table.
345
00:19:30,943 --> 00:19:34,275
-Everything okay?
-Everything's fine!
Go away. We're playing.
346
00:19:34,359 --> 00:19:36,150
Now, Enid,
I don't envy you.
347
00:19:36,234 --> 00:19:37,901
You can walk away
with just the money,
348
00:19:37,984 --> 00:19:40,359
but I have a feeling
you want more.
349
00:19:40,442 --> 00:19:42,484
Oh, yes, Chip. I do.
350
00:19:42,567 --> 00:19:45,401
You want that goddamn
grandfather clock.
351
00:19:45,484 --> 00:19:46,609
I do!
352
00:19:46,693 --> 00:19:48,526
But you could
lose it all though.
353
00:19:48,609 --> 00:19:49,901
Oh, what a choice.
354
00:19:49,984 --> 00:19:52,693
Let's ask our annoyingly
enthusiastic studio audience
355
00:19:52,776 --> 00:19:54,859
-what Enid should do!
-(audience cheering)
356
00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:59,234
Chip (as audience):
Let it ride!
Let it ride! Let it ride!
357
00:19:59,317 --> 00:20:02,859
(as Chip):
Oh, ho, ho, the tension
is palpable, folks.
358
00:20:02,943 --> 00:20:06,025
On the line,
is the one-of-a-kind
Golden Grandfather Clock,
359
00:20:06,109 --> 00:20:08,943
plus some other fabulous prizes.
Herb, tell her what we got!
360
00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:12,693
(as Herb):
That's right, Chip, we've
got some fantastic prizes
361
00:20:12,776 --> 00:20:14,609
furnished by
Valhalla Appliance.
362
00:20:14,693 --> 00:20:16,275
Are you tired of working
your kitchen?
363
00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:18,109
Have your kitchen
work for you!
364
00:20:18,192 --> 00:20:20,693
Valhalla Appliance--
it's what's cookin'!
365
00:20:20,776 --> 00:20:23,067
(as Chip): All right,
it's all up to Enid.
366
00:20:23,150 --> 00:20:27,317
Enid, are you going to walk away
or let it fuckin' ride?
367
00:20:27,943 --> 00:20:32,025
I'm going to let it ride, Chip!
368
00:20:32,109 --> 00:20:34,150
-Wow, folks!
She's gonna let it ride!
-(audience cheering)
369
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:36,818
She made her choice! But now...
370
00:20:37,234 --> 00:20:39,275
The dice decide!
371
00:20:39,943 --> 00:20:42,567
Remember, Enid,
you need a seven to win.
372
00:20:42,651 --> 00:20:44,901
But if you roll snake eyes...
373
00:20:44,984 --> 00:20:47,526
Well, put it this way,
we'll cover your
bus ticket home.
374
00:20:47,609 --> 00:20:50,275
Now, you've
come this far.
375
00:20:51,275 --> 00:20:53,776
Now the dice decide.
376
00:20:55,025 --> 00:20:57,192
Yes, Chip.
The dice decide.
377
00:20:57,275 --> 00:20:59,734
-Enid, are you...
-(snaps fingers)
378
00:20:59,818 --> 00:21:03,359
...r-r-r-ready to roll?
379
00:21:03,442 --> 00:21:08,192
Yes, Chip. I'm r-r-r-ready!
380
00:21:09,442 --> 00:21:10,984
(blows)
381
00:21:12,734 --> 00:21:17,401
♪ ♪
382
00:21:30,025 --> 00:21:31,693
(whimpers)
383
00:21:48,150 --> 00:21:50,234
♪ ♪
384
00:21:59,275 --> 00:22:01,693
Well, folks... (sighs)
385
00:22:05,150 --> 00:22:07,484
Look at that.
Lucky number seven.
386
00:22:07,567 --> 00:22:09,943
Enid won the trip, the money,
the kitchen set,
387
00:22:10,025 --> 00:22:12,484
-and the Golden
Grandfather Clock!
-I won!
388
00:22:12,567 --> 00:22:14,818
(laughs): I won!
389
00:22:14,901 --> 00:22:17,943
(audience cheering)
390
00:22:18,025 --> 00:22:21,526
♪ ♪
391
00:22:26,317 --> 00:22:28,901
(gasps) Oh, Chip.
392
00:22:30,651 --> 00:22:34,234
Oh. Thank you so much.
393
00:22:36,109 --> 00:22:37,901
You're welcome.
394
00:22:40,859 --> 00:22:42,984
♪ ♪
395
00:22:47,109 --> 00:22:50,317
(jazzy game show
music playing)
396
00:23:11,150 --> 00:23:13,275
♪ ♪
29407
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