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1
00:00:04,503 --> 00:00:06,637
Hey! You're Amy Schumer!
2
00:00:06,639 --> 00:00:09,540
"Pussy, pussy,
I'm so confident!"
3
00:00:09,542 --> 00:00:12,042
I could get a picture?
Actually, would you mind?
4
00:00:12,044 --> 00:00:13,410
I just... I don't
wanna draw attention.
5
00:00:13,412 --> 00:00:15,145
But it's really
nice to meet you.
6
00:00:15,147 --> 00:00:17,715
Meet you?
I just want a photo.
7
00:00:17,717 --> 00:00:21,719
Wow, you should really be
nicer to your fans, Jeez.
8
00:00:21,721 --> 00:00:25,222
Hi, can I have
a small black coffee?
9
00:00:25,224 --> 00:00:25,856
Name?
Amy.
10
00:00:25,858 --> 00:00:29,827
Oh, you're Fat Amy
from that singing movie.
11
00:00:29,829 --> 00:00:32,263
Pitch something?
No, that's not me.
12
00:00:32,265 --> 00:00:33,864
Yes, it is... I didn't see it,
13
00:00:33,866 --> 00:00:35,533
but my brother didn't like it.
14
00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:38,569
(whispers)
Okay, thank you.
15
00:00:39,838 --> 00:00:42,239
Amy? Amy Schumer?
16
00:00:42,241 --> 00:00:43,440
Yeah.
Can I have a selfie?
17
00:00:43,442 --> 00:00:45,242
Oh.
Can you do
something funny?
18
00:00:45,244 --> 00:00:47,311
Like, can I pretend
to grab your boob?
19
00:00:47,313 --> 00:00:49,046
Ow!
(mocking) Ow?
20
00:00:49,048 --> 00:00:52,283
Fat Amy?
Fat Amy.
21
00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:53,350
Fat Amy.
Thank you.
22
00:00:53,352 --> 00:00:55,586
Oh, my gosh, uh,
can you call my brother?
23
00:00:55,588 --> 00:00:58,255
It is his birthday this summer.
24
00:00:59,758 --> 00:01:01,158
Sure.
25
00:01:01,593 --> 00:01:04,295
Gonna call him?
I can't from my phone.
I'm working.
26
00:01:04,297 --> 00:01:06,163
You want me to call him
from my phone?
27
00:01:06,165 --> 00:01:07,331
Yeah.
28
00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:12,136
It is 213-555-5555... 5.
29
00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:14,071
(line ringing)
30
00:01:14,073 --> 00:01:15,539
Uh, it went right to voice mail.
31
00:01:15,541 --> 00:01:17,374
Yeah, he's out
of daytime minutes.
32
00:01:17,376 --> 00:01:18,175
Or, ooh!
33
00:01:18,177 --> 00:01:19,543
Can you make him a video
34
00:01:19,545 --> 00:01:21,111
and text it to him?
35
00:01:21,113 --> 00:01:22,479
Mm-hmm, what's his name?
36
00:01:22,481 --> 00:01:24,548
Cashew.
Like the nut?
37
00:01:24,550 --> 00:01:25,749
No.
38
00:01:25,751 --> 00:01:26,984
(whispers)
Okay.
39
00:01:26,986 --> 00:01:29,186
Hey, Cashew.
Uh, it's Amy.
40
00:01:29,188 --> 00:01:31,755
Here with your sister,
she's working really hard.
41
00:01:31,757 --> 00:01:32,756
She gave me your number, so, hi,
42
00:01:32,758 --> 00:01:34,992
happy birthday
this summer... okay.
43
00:01:34,994 --> 00:01:35,793
That wasn't funny.
44
00:01:35,795 --> 00:01:38,596
All right, well, I really
have to run, thank you.
45
00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,331
It wasn't good,
can I take another one?
46
00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:42,333
Yeah, here, let me do it.
47
00:01:42,801 --> 00:01:44,602
You're not cute.
What?
48
00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:47,037
I'm just kidding,
see, I'm funny too!
49
00:01:47,039 --> 00:01:48,706
You should make me
the show, everybody says
50
00:01:48,708 --> 00:01:50,975
I'm just like you,
a piece of shit.
51
00:01:50,977 --> 00:01:52,443
Okay, thanks.
52
00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:54,211
I hate to be that girl,
I'm so that girl
53
00:01:54,213 --> 00:01:56,680
right now, though,
but, um, can, um...
54
00:01:56,682 --> 00:01:59,216
You want a picture?
No, can I have $100?
55
00:01:59,218 --> 00:02:00,150
I am such a big fan.
56
00:02:00,152 --> 00:02:02,419
I, like, loved you
since "Chelsea Lately."
57
00:02:02,421 --> 00:02:03,287
I'm not on that show.
58
00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:06,890
Maybe consider being nicer
to people who like you.
59
00:02:06,892 --> 00:02:08,559
(Amy sighs)
60
00:02:08,561 --> 00:02:10,127
Do you have smaller bills?
61
00:02:10,129 --> 00:02:11,595
No.
Must be nice.
62
00:02:11,597 --> 00:02:12,596
Hi, are you Amy Schumer?
63
00:02:12,598 --> 00:02:14,865
I love your legs.
Thank you.
64
00:02:14,867 --> 00:02:16,166
Can I eat one?
What?
65
00:02:16,168 --> 00:02:18,535
What, do you think you're
better than everyone else now?
66
00:02:18,537 --> 00:02:19,470
Is that it?
No.
67
00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:21,472
Let me eat your leg.
It wasn't good.
68
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:22,673
I lost it!
(Amy)
The money?
69
00:02:22,675 --> 00:02:24,408
Yeah, that's why
I wanted smaller bills.
70
00:02:24,410 --> 00:02:25,943
Amy Poehler let me
chew on her hair.
71
00:02:25,945 --> 00:02:27,478
She's great.
My brother is
awake now.
72
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,613
Can you go to his house
and have sex with him?
73
00:02:29,615 --> 00:02:31,448
Ow!
Can I be annoying
74
00:02:31,450 --> 00:02:33,817
and ask you for one thing?
75
00:02:36,821 --> 00:02:37,821
Help.
76
00:02:37,823 --> 00:02:39,189
(shutter clicks)
77
00:02:39,191 --> 00:02:43,694
♪♪
78
00:02:47,732 --> 00:02:49,767
I've been on the road
with you for seven years.
79
00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:50,601
Yes.
Have I changed?
80
00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:52,970
I would say the only
change is, uh...
81
00:02:52,972 --> 00:02:55,205
the quality of life
has gone way up.
82
00:02:55,207 --> 00:02:56,540
We used to go to IHOP and shit.
83
00:02:56,542 --> 00:02:59,143
Well, I'd still like
to go to IHOP and shit.
84
00:02:59,145 --> 00:03:00,678
Which is what happens.
Good point.
85
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,680
Like, is there any difference
you've seen in me?
86
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:05,315
No, you were...
You were scary back then.
87
00:03:05,317 --> 00:03:06,984
(laughing)
No, no, uh...
88
00:03:06,986 --> 00:03:08,419
No, no, but that's true, I was.
89
00:03:08,421 --> 00:03:10,387
Yeah.
We were doing, like,
the shittiest clubs...
90
00:03:10,389 --> 00:03:12,089
Right.
Staying in
comedy condos.
91
00:03:12,091 --> 00:03:14,558
And I was still, like,
"I'm not doing that."
92
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,260
Yes, yes.
I've always been
93
00:03:16,262 --> 00:03:18,495
exactly how I am
right now.
Right.
94
00:03:18,497 --> 00:03:20,431
♪♪
95
00:03:20,433 --> 00:03:22,232
(pilot/announcer)
From 40,000 feet above the earth
96
00:03:22,234 --> 00:03:25,235
aboard a luxury airship
that never touches the ground
97
00:03:25,237 --> 00:03:27,171
for tax reasons,
it's "Down To Earth,"
98
00:03:27,173 --> 00:03:30,140
with your host,
a regular normal person,
99
00:03:30,142 --> 00:03:34,344
just like you, Amy Schumer!
100
00:03:34,346 --> 00:03:35,045
Oh!
101
00:03:35,047 --> 00:03:36,880
We've got a great show
for you tonight!
102
00:03:36,882 --> 00:03:40,150
But first, let's say "Hi"
to the Down to E Band,
103
00:03:40,152 --> 00:03:43,754
Selena and the Schume-tones!
104
00:03:43,756 --> 00:03:44,855
♪♪
105
00:03:44,857 --> 00:03:46,790
♪ She has a chef
for her dog ♪
106
00:03:46,792 --> 00:03:48,959
♪ She bought
a convent in Prague ♪
107
00:03:48,961 --> 00:03:50,527
♪ She owns three precogs ♪
108
00:03:50,529 --> 00:03:53,097
♪ This girl is
just like you ♪
109
00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:55,332
♪ J-j-j-just like you ♪♪
110
00:03:55,334 --> 00:03:57,835
Look, at you,
Miss Rosetta Stone.
111
00:03:57,837 --> 00:04:00,904
Look how good your English
has gotten, I love!
112
00:04:00,906 --> 00:04:02,072
I was born in Texas.
113
00:04:02,074 --> 00:04:05,709
So... now it's time
for our first segment,
114
00:04:05,711 --> 00:04:07,611
I'm Just Like Us!
115
00:04:07,613 --> 00:04:08,345
That's right, guys,
116
00:04:08,347 --> 00:04:11,281
I get coffee and bagel,
just like me.
117
00:04:11,283 --> 00:04:14,518
And that's my new miniature
dinosaur, Pom Pom,
118
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:15,819
wearing Narciso Rodriguez.
119
00:04:15,821 --> 00:04:18,689
There are a lot
of misconceptions
about min-dins,
120
00:04:18,691 --> 00:04:22,226
but believe you me,
they are the sweetest,
121
00:04:22,228 --> 00:04:25,195
most loving pet that you can pay
122
00:04:25,197 --> 00:04:26,930
to have genetically
re-engineered.
123
00:04:26,932 --> 00:04:29,299
Pom Pom is a rescue
from extinction
124
00:04:29,301 --> 00:04:30,334
and Steven Spielby.
125
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:34,605
Okay, and then here's me
with Perez... Hilton.
126
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:38,175
So, look, I get a cup of joe,
no fancy drink for me.
127
00:04:38,177 --> 00:04:40,177
I just say, coffee.
128
00:04:40,179 --> 00:04:41,578
But, uh, uh, you know what?
129
00:04:41,580 --> 00:04:44,214
I have hard days
just like everyone else.
130
00:04:44,216 --> 00:04:46,617
And here's what happened,
so the barista...
131
00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:49,720
she got mad when
Pom Pom had to make shit.
132
00:04:49,722 --> 00:04:52,189
So, I left, and let's just say
133
00:04:52,191 --> 00:04:54,424
I won't be going back.
134
00:04:54,426 --> 00:04:55,893
♪♪
135
00:04:55,895 --> 00:04:57,995
Today's topic is
using a hidden camera
136
00:04:57,997 --> 00:05:00,264
to spy on your maid who steals.
137
00:05:00,266 --> 00:05:04,668
Let's go to the Relato-Cam
and see what mine is stealing.
138
00:05:05,804 --> 00:05:07,437
There she goes again!
139
00:05:07,439 --> 00:05:09,873
Stop stealing!
140
00:05:09,875 --> 00:05:12,276
(speaking Spanish)
141
00:05:12,278 --> 00:05:14,211
Do I have a maid? Yes.
142
00:05:14,213 --> 00:05:16,213
Do I know her name? No.
143
00:05:16,215 --> 00:05:18,048
But I'm just like you.
144
00:05:18,050 --> 00:05:19,917
I still wash my own legs.
145
00:05:19,919 --> 00:05:22,786
I still do my own masturbating.
146
00:05:22,788 --> 00:05:23,587
Thank you.
147
00:05:23,589 --> 00:05:25,956
Seleña, am I saying that right?
148
00:05:25,958 --> 00:05:27,691
Masturbating or my name?
149
00:05:27,693 --> 00:05:29,393
(text alert pings)
150
00:05:30,728 --> 00:05:31,328
Mmm, wow.
151
00:05:31,330 --> 00:05:33,597
I didn't even know
I was up for that award.
152
00:05:33,599 --> 00:05:34,531
(chuckles)
153
00:05:34,533 --> 00:05:35,833
Here's a life hack for you.
154
00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:39,036
After I make a call
or take a vaggie,
155
00:05:39,038 --> 00:05:42,072
I like to shred my phone
so it doesn't get hacked
156
00:05:42,074 --> 00:05:46,944
by Internet robots who are
super jelly, like so.
157
00:05:46,946 --> 00:05:48,345
(whirring)
158
00:05:48,347 --> 00:05:49,213
Voilà!
159
00:05:49,215 --> 00:05:51,181
Then have your
personal assistant
160
00:05:51,183 --> 00:05:52,216
bring you a new phone.
161
00:05:52,218 --> 00:05:55,385
Easy Peasy, beautiful.
Assistant!
162
00:05:55,387 --> 00:05:56,253
♪♪
163
00:05:56,255 --> 00:05:59,556
No, she does not
need walk-on music.
164
00:06:00,258 --> 00:06:03,260
Ooh, thank you,
I love your blouse.
165
00:06:03,262 --> 00:06:04,494
Alligators.
166
00:06:04,496 --> 00:06:06,630
What is your name?
167
00:06:06,632 --> 00:06:09,333
I'm your sister, Kim?
168
00:06:09,335 --> 00:06:11,134
Ooh, "Sister Kim."
169
00:06:11,136 --> 00:06:13,070
A nun, high-end.
170
00:06:13,072 --> 00:06:15,072
Now we're gonna meet
our first guest.
171
00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:17,374
Not a celebrity,
he's just a regular,
172
00:06:17,376 --> 00:06:19,543
normal poor person like Seleña.
173
00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:22,679
My pilot, Jermone.
Jero... Jerome.
174
00:06:22,681 --> 00:06:23,881
Jerome.
175
00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:25,849
♪♪
176
00:06:25,851 --> 00:06:27,618
(Amy)
Careful, Jermone.
177
00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:28,452
Here, have a seat.
178
00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:30,621
You can take a knee right there.
179
00:06:32,523 --> 00:06:34,224
Fun, welcome to the show.
180
00:06:34,226 --> 00:06:35,692
No problem, I was already here.
181
00:06:35,694 --> 00:06:39,463
Just, uh...
steering the zeppelin.
182
00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:41,665
I can relate, interesting.
183
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:42,466
I'm just like you.
184
00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:44,334
You're the boss lady,
Miss Schumer.
185
00:06:44,336 --> 00:06:46,937
Miss Schumer is
my mother's pussy's name.
186
00:06:46,939 --> 00:06:49,406
You can just call me
America's Golden Eagle.
187
00:06:49,408 --> 00:06:53,310
Well, America's...
Golden Eagle.
Ew.
188
00:06:53,312 --> 00:06:56,213
I just mainly
fly the zeppelin.
Mmm.
189
00:06:56,215 --> 00:06:58,515
Refuel the zeppelin.
190
00:06:58,517 --> 00:07:01,652
Do zeppelin repairs,
stuff like that.
191
00:07:01,654 --> 00:07:02,853
(shutter clicks)
Actually, I should
192
00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:04,221
probably get back
to the controls.
193
00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:06,890
Nonsense,
you're my guest,
it's an honor.
194
00:07:06,892 --> 00:07:10,294
For more information,
check out my lifestyle website.
195
00:07:10,296 --> 00:07:12,296
Engorge.biz.
196
00:07:12,298 --> 00:07:14,965
(loud whooshing)
Oh, my God,
what's going on?
197
00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:17,200
Nobody's flying
the zeppelin, you idiot!
198
00:07:17,202 --> 00:07:18,769
You have to go down
with the ship because
199
00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:20,671
you're in the band,
and it's Titanic!
200
00:07:20,673 --> 00:07:22,639
Or we could just
pull up the controls.
201
00:07:22,641 --> 00:07:25,309
I mean, we're 40,000
feet up in the air.
202
00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:26,677
No time!
203
00:07:26,679 --> 00:07:28,612
We need to cut weight!
204
00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:29,846
I can fix it!
205
00:07:29,848 --> 00:07:31,348
Shut up!
(Jerome screams)
206
00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:33,951
You need to be
my human parachute.
207
00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:35,819
They have real parachutes.
208
00:07:35,821 --> 00:07:37,921
It's fine.
Shut up, Seleña!
209
00:07:37,923 --> 00:07:43,593
Remember, I'm just like you!
210
00:07:43,595 --> 00:07:45,462
Well, I'm gonna go fix this.
211
00:07:45,464 --> 00:07:49,466
♪♪
212
00:07:53,771 --> 00:07:56,406
♪♪
213
00:07:56,408 --> 00:07:58,942
(announcer)
This week on "Katfish."
214
00:07:58,944 --> 00:08:01,078
All right, let's dial
this Amy girl up.
215
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,346
Let's see what's going on.
216
00:08:02,348 --> 00:08:03,513
Hi, guys.
217
00:08:03,515 --> 00:08:04,181
Hey!
Hey!
218
00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:05,215
Oh, my God, it's you guys.
219
00:08:05,217 --> 00:08:07,384
The one with the gray hair
and the one with not.
220
00:08:07,386 --> 00:08:09,586
Yup.
What's going on, Amy?
221
00:08:09,588 --> 00:08:10,387
Yeah, what's the dealio?
222
00:08:10,389 --> 00:08:13,690
I've been talking
to this guy, Jake...
223
00:08:13,692 --> 00:08:14,624
for, like, a year?
224
00:08:14,626 --> 00:08:17,427
And we met in a chatroom
for ferret fanatics.
225
00:08:17,429 --> 00:08:20,497
He's been telling me that
he loves me since week one.
226
00:08:20,499 --> 00:08:22,933
But I'm pretty sure
I'm being katfished.
227
00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:24,001
What makes you say that?
Yeah.
228
00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:27,137
Because this is his picture.
229
00:08:28,106 --> 00:08:29,373
Stay right there.
Don't move.
230
00:08:29,375 --> 00:08:32,776
So, he's saying he's
Jake Gyllenhaal, the actor.
231
00:08:32,778 --> 00:08:33,977
Yeah, that's a major red flag.
232
00:08:33,979 --> 00:08:35,345
Um... (chuckling)
I know.
233
00:08:35,347 --> 00:08:37,114
So, how did he get
in touch with you?
234
00:08:37,116 --> 00:08:38,281
He just messaged me,
and he said,
235
00:08:38,283 --> 00:08:41,852
"You are the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen."
236
00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:43,387
Yeah, that's another red flag.
237
00:08:43,389 --> 00:08:45,389
(Amy)
I know! I know, I know!
238
00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:46,590
He said that, and I was, like,
239
00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:50,193
"Oh, my God,
I'm being katfished."
240
00:08:50,195 --> 00:08:50,827
(laughing)
241
00:08:50,829 --> 00:08:52,963
So, what does he say when
you try to FaceTime him?
242
00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:56,299
Busy, he's so busy,
he's, like, "I can't.
243
00:08:56,301 --> 00:08:59,036
I have to read
a Hollywood movie script."
244
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:02,706
Wow, let's go find out
who's been katfishing you.
245
00:09:03,508 --> 00:09:06,209
Oh, my God, am I going
on an airplane?
246
00:09:06,211 --> 00:09:08,245
♪♪
247
00:09:08,247 --> 00:09:11,314
Okay, so our unpaid intern
tracked down his IP address
248
00:09:11,316 --> 00:09:12,849
from the e-mails he sent you,
and this is it.
249
00:09:12,851 --> 00:09:14,951
You ready to meet the guy
you've been chatting with?
250
00:09:14,953 --> 00:09:16,219
Oh, my God, I'm so ready.
251
00:09:16,221 --> 00:09:17,687
I hope it's
an overweight lesbian
252
00:09:17,689 --> 00:09:18,889
who can't make eye contact.
253
00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:20,557
(buzzer buzzes)
(man)
Hello?
254
00:09:20,559 --> 00:09:21,491
Hi, it's Amy.
255
00:09:21,493 --> 00:09:23,994
Okay, Amy, even though
your first emotion
256
00:09:23,996 --> 00:09:25,228
is probably gonna be anger,
257
00:09:25,230 --> 00:09:27,831
just try to remember that
this person's hurting, too.
258
00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:30,267
How much money do you get
for a spin-off show?
259
00:09:30,269 --> 00:09:32,369
Like, "The Challenge"
or whatever?
What?
260
00:09:32,371 --> 00:09:35,572
Like, I'm gonna
get MTV famous, right?
261
00:09:35,574 --> 00:09:37,040
Drinks?
262
00:09:37,042 --> 00:09:37,974
I knew it!
263
00:09:37,976 --> 00:09:41,078
Yes! You're just
a lonely loser!
264
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,045
Are you Amy?
265
00:09:42,047 --> 00:09:43,780
I am who I said I am.
266
00:09:43,782 --> 00:09:45,215
Who are you?!
267
00:09:45,217 --> 00:09:47,250
She's here, sir!
268
00:09:51,556 --> 00:09:54,291
Amy, hi!
269
00:09:54,959 --> 00:09:57,194
God, it's so great
to finally meet you.
270
00:09:57,196 --> 00:09:59,096
That's Samuel,
my door assistant.
271
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:00,564
This is Falkor.
272
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:02,866
(Falkor chitters)
273
00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:04,935
What's with all the cameras?
274
00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:07,070
Why are you ruining
my episode of "Katfish"?
275
00:10:07,072 --> 00:10:08,405
I totally understand
why you were worried.
276
00:10:08,407 --> 00:10:09,773
I thought I was being katfished
277
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:10,874
by someone pretending
to be a model.
278
00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:15,879
But then, I felt like love is
about taking a chance and...
279
00:10:15,881 --> 00:10:17,614
here you are,
and I'm so glad I did.
280
00:10:17,616 --> 00:10:18,748
So, all that stuff
you said about
281
00:10:18,750 --> 00:10:21,418
being nominated
for an Oscar,
that was true?
282
00:10:21,420 --> 00:10:22,319
Of course, why would I lie?
283
00:10:22,321 --> 00:10:24,955
That's, like,
a really cool thing to get.
284
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:26,423
And all those awesome stories
285
00:10:26,425 --> 00:10:28,091
about you eating shrimp
at craft services?
286
00:10:28,093 --> 00:10:29,626
I guess those were
all true, too.
287
00:10:29,628 --> 00:10:31,161
I would never lie to you, Amy.
288
00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:33,463
Where's Margot, by the way?
289
00:10:33,465 --> 00:10:35,499
Margot?
Your beloved ferret?
290
00:10:35,501 --> 00:10:37,901
Oh, um... I got...
I got rid of her.
291
00:10:37,903 --> 00:10:39,236
What... what are you
talking about?
292
00:10:39,238 --> 00:10:41,171
I sold her so that
I could afford a publicist
293
00:10:41,173 --> 00:10:43,507
for when I got famous
on "Katfish."
294
00:10:43,509 --> 00:10:44,174
Are you serious?
295
00:10:44,176 --> 00:10:45,942
I mean, she'd shit
all over the place,
296
00:10:45,944 --> 00:10:47,244
and she smelled like dicks.
297
00:10:47,246 --> 00:10:48,645
I didn't even know
what a ferret was.
298
00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:51,481
I thought it was just,
like, a long gerbil.
299
00:10:51,483 --> 00:10:52,516
I thought you loved ferrets.
300
00:10:52,518 --> 00:10:54,551
I thought they were
your main hobby.
301
00:10:54,553 --> 00:10:55,318
Were you lying to me?
302
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,320
Yeah, I thought
I was being katfished.
303
00:10:57,322 --> 00:10:59,289
Fuck you.
Fuck me?
304
00:10:59,291 --> 00:11:00,323
Fuck you, Amy!
305
00:11:00,325 --> 00:11:01,925
I believed in you!
306
00:11:01,927 --> 00:11:05,162
God, this is
so fucking embarrassing!
307
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:06,429
Fuck you!
308
00:11:06,431 --> 00:11:07,364
Fuck you, Amy!
309
00:11:07,366 --> 00:11:08,131
I believed in you!
310
00:11:08,133 --> 00:11:12,869
I can't... God, this is
so fucking embarrassing!
311
00:11:12,871 --> 00:11:15,238
So embarrassing!
312
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,140
Fuck you!
313
00:11:18,743 --> 00:11:19,576
(Amy sighs)
314
00:11:19,578 --> 00:11:22,045
So, like, when does...
When does this air?
315
00:11:22,047 --> 00:11:23,480
Come on, we're not
gonna air this.
316
00:11:23,482 --> 00:11:24,581
You weren't katfished.
317
00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:26,049
Of course you were,
318
00:11:26,051 --> 00:11:28,185
you gorgeous idiot.
319
00:11:31,122 --> 00:11:35,158
They've been hot Chinatown
garbage this whole time.
320
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:36,459
What?
321
00:11:36,461 --> 00:11:38,328
(insect buzzing)
322
00:11:39,030 --> 00:11:40,130
"Katfish."
323
00:11:40,132 --> 00:11:41,164
Coming up next on MTV,
324
00:11:41,166 --> 00:11:44,167
"True Life:
I'm Hot Chinatown Garbage."
325
00:11:44,169 --> 00:11:46,703
♪♪
326
00:11:48,706 --> 00:11:51,575
♪♪
327
00:11:59,417 --> 00:12:01,952
Oh, I'm, I'm so... Shit.
328
00:12:01,954 --> 00:12:02,819
Excuse me.
329
00:12:02,821 --> 00:12:05,789
Would you mind
lending me your wife?
330
00:12:05,791 --> 00:12:07,157
Excuse me?
331
00:12:07,159 --> 00:12:08,925
For luck.
332
00:12:08,927 --> 00:12:11,294
It's okay, honey.
333
00:12:11,296 --> 00:12:12,996
He's in a suit.
334
00:12:17,668 --> 00:12:20,971
I got money...
lots of it.
335
00:12:20,973 --> 00:12:23,940
But you have
something I don't have.
336
00:12:23,942 --> 00:12:25,208
What?
337
00:12:27,278 --> 00:12:29,479
Her?
338
00:12:29,481 --> 00:12:30,380
What's up?
339
00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:32,115
That's not a necklace.
340
00:12:32,117 --> 00:12:34,417
Supposing I were
to make you an offer,
341
00:12:34,419 --> 00:12:36,686
to spend one night
with your wife.
342
00:12:36,688 --> 00:12:38,321
Uh, how much mon... Pass.
343
00:12:38,323 --> 00:12:38,888
No, shh...
344
00:12:38,890 --> 00:12:40,657
Shut your hole.
Shut your little hole.
What?
345
00:12:40,659 --> 00:12:42,659
What... what are
we talking about here?
346
00:12:42,661 --> 00:12:44,094
For $39.
347
00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:47,364
Wait, $39 million?
No.
348
00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:48,698
(whispers)
Shut the fuck up.
349
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:51,501
So, it feels like
you want me to do it?
350
00:12:51,503 --> 00:12:53,303
Is that... do you wanna...
351
00:12:53,305 --> 00:12:54,404
is that something you'd wanna...
352
00:12:54,406 --> 00:12:56,640
No, I definitely
don't wanna do it.
353
00:13:00,278 --> 00:13:01,611
Like, I can...
354
00:13:01,613 --> 00:13:03,647
Oh, thanks, baby.
Thank you.
355
00:13:03,649 --> 00:13:05,582
Do you know
what this could mean?
356
00:13:05,584 --> 00:13:07,684
For the future of our weekend?
357
00:13:07,686 --> 00:13:12,088
We could go to Red Lobster
and not just get the shrimp.
358
00:13:12,090 --> 00:13:14,291
We could get some lobster.
359
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:17,327
We could go
to the movies together.
360
00:13:17,329 --> 00:13:18,695
(Amy)
And get popcorn?
361
00:13:18,697 --> 00:13:22,465
Probably not the popcorn.
362
00:13:22,467 --> 00:13:24,167
Yeah.
363
00:13:25,169 --> 00:13:26,069
Really?
364
00:13:26,071 --> 00:13:27,637
I guess so.
365
00:13:27,639 --> 00:13:28,605
You know, if you were mine,
366
00:13:28,607 --> 00:13:33,176
I wouldn't share you
with anyone for $39.
367
00:13:33,178 --> 00:13:35,312
Just tell me what
happened, did he...
368
00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:37,280
It was just sex, Sam!
369
00:13:37,282 --> 00:13:39,616
Not love, just sex.
370
00:13:39,618 --> 00:13:41,318
All right, I get it!
371
00:13:42,186 --> 00:13:43,853
Pick a hole, Sam!
372
00:13:43,855 --> 00:13:45,622
'Cause he fucked me in it.
373
00:13:45,624 --> 00:13:46,489
He got you in the...
374
00:13:46,491 --> 00:13:48,158
Yeah, he put it in my tushy.
375
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,593
That hurts my feelings,
that's horrible.
376
00:13:50,595 --> 00:13:52,996
Would you feel better
if you heard exactly
377
00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:54,497
where he came on me?
Uh, no...
378
00:13:54,499 --> 00:13:55,598
I want you to feel
better about this.
379
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,468
Because I feel...
kind of great about it.
No, I wouldn't feel...
380
00:13:58,470 --> 00:14:01,371
Please, please, stop.
I don't want
anything to change.
381
00:14:01,373 --> 00:14:02,872
I don't want that
I am a squirter now
382
00:14:02,874 --> 00:14:04,341
to change...
Okay, oh, my God!
383
00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:05,909
Anything about us, I love you.
384
00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:07,811
I didn't even know
you could squirt.
385
00:14:07,813 --> 00:14:10,046
I don't wanna be
DP'd by him and a friend
386
00:14:10,048 --> 00:14:11,915
that showed up last minute!
387
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:13,650
I wanna be with you!
388
00:14:13,652 --> 00:14:15,719
♪♪
389
00:14:15,721 --> 00:14:17,454
(Robert)
The evening
would come and go,
390
00:14:17,456 --> 00:14:20,090
but the $39 could last
maybe a day.
391
00:14:20,092 --> 00:14:23,393
Think of it, $39.
392
00:14:23,395 --> 00:14:24,661
For one night?
393
00:14:24,663 --> 00:14:25,695
Right, but, um...
394
00:14:25,697 --> 00:14:30,200
Babe, we just got $100,000
from both my parents dying.
395
00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:32,402
Yeah, but you know
what's better than $100,000
396
00:14:32,404 --> 00:14:34,003
from both your parents dying?
397
00:14:34,005 --> 00:14:35,638
100,000...
398
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:40,043
and $39 from both
your parents dying.
399
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:42,011
Both your parents died?
400
00:14:43,981 --> 00:14:46,049
♪♪
401
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:47,484
You remember the movie,
"Indecent Proposal"?
402
00:14:47,486 --> 00:14:50,019
I did.
What did that movie,
like, do for you?
403
00:14:50,021 --> 00:14:51,621
It made me realize
that there's no woman
404
00:14:51,623 --> 00:14:52,756
I've ever loved that I wouldn't
405
00:14:52,758 --> 00:14:54,991
have gladly given up
for a small percentage
406
00:14:54,993 --> 00:14:56,259
of that money.
(laughing)
407
00:14:56,261 --> 00:14:58,728
The girlfriend you loved
the most in your whole life.
408
00:14:58,730 --> 00:15:00,263
What would you have
given her up for a night?
409
00:15:00,265 --> 00:15:02,565
I actually... 1500 a hole.
410
00:15:02,567 --> 00:15:05,602
1500 a hole,
he could've had her for.
411
00:15:05,604 --> 00:15:08,738
♪♪
412
00:15:09,206 --> 00:15:10,573
I can't believe you got us
into this place.
413
00:15:10,575 --> 00:15:13,076
It's, like, a month-long
wait for reservations.
414
00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:16,146
Yeah, let's just say
I have connections.
415
00:15:16,148 --> 00:15:17,847
I have connections.
"I have connections."
416
00:15:17,849 --> 00:15:20,917
My God, I have
so much fun with you.
417
00:15:25,022 --> 00:15:26,055
Who's that?
418
00:15:26,057 --> 00:15:28,458
Oh, that's the head chef,
Link Donovan.
419
00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:30,160
He used to work
at Chez Lubbee's,
420
00:15:30,162 --> 00:15:32,495
but they fired him
because apparently
421
00:15:32,497 --> 00:15:33,797
he's a huge asshole.
422
00:15:33,799 --> 00:15:35,298
Anyway, I booked us a room...
423
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:39,569
(Amy thinking)
Hmm, I didn't know
this place had a bad boy chef.
424
00:15:40,304 --> 00:15:43,573
Wow, his sunglasses
are on backward.
425
00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:44,474
Yes, please.
426
00:15:44,476 --> 00:15:46,676
So, what do you
think about that?
427
00:15:46,678 --> 00:15:48,978
Um... Uh, yeah.
428
00:15:48,980 --> 00:15:52,582
I guess everybody needs a place
to put their sunglasses.
429
00:15:52,584 --> 00:15:54,484
What?
What'd you say?
430
00:15:54,486 --> 00:15:58,087
Oh, I just thought that
after the couples' dressage,
431
00:15:58,089 --> 00:15:59,722
I could buy you some boots.
432
00:15:59,724 --> 00:16:02,225
I know you have a lot
of boots, but, uh...
433
00:16:02,227 --> 00:16:04,327
(Amy thinking)
He seems so misunderstood.
434
00:16:04,329 --> 00:16:07,363
Don't ask me for sauce
on the side ever again!
435
00:16:07,365 --> 00:16:08,231
Get the fuck out of here!
436
00:16:08,233 --> 00:16:10,300
(Amy thinking)
That's right, my BBC.
(glass shatters)
437
00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:12,135
(Doug)
What was that?
438
00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:12,869
I don't know, Doug.
439
00:16:12,871 --> 00:16:15,905
Maybe just a flawed man trying
to follow his passion while
440
00:16:15,907 --> 00:16:19,309
coming to terms
with his need for sadness.
441
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:20,076
Are you all right?
442
00:16:20,078 --> 00:16:23,546
What? Yeah, just keep talking
so I can think.
443
00:16:23,548 --> 00:16:25,448
Oh, okay, the hotel.
444
00:16:25,450 --> 00:16:26,249
(needle buzzing)
445
00:16:26,251 --> 00:16:30,420
(Amy thinking)
No time for quiet,
my gourmet golden pony boy.
446
00:16:30,422 --> 00:16:32,021
(echoing)
Ahh!
447
00:16:34,925 --> 00:16:37,193
I'm sorry, but how do we
not have our food by now?
448
00:16:37,195 --> 00:16:38,862
God, it's never about
the food, Doug!
449
00:16:38,864 --> 00:16:44,634
Can't a man redeem himself with
local sustainable ingredients?
450
00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:45,435
What, who?
451
00:16:45,437 --> 00:16:49,672
Shut the fuck up, Doug!
452
00:16:49,674 --> 00:16:51,140
Thank you.
453
00:16:52,309 --> 00:16:54,244
Wow, so well-plated.
454
00:16:54,246 --> 00:16:56,779
Compliments to the chef.
455
00:16:56,781 --> 00:16:59,282
(soft music playing)
456
00:17:01,285 --> 00:17:03,319
Does this taste raw to you?
457
00:17:03,321 --> 00:17:05,922
That's how I like it.
458
00:17:05,924 --> 00:17:07,824
(soft music continues)
459
00:17:15,799 --> 00:17:16,633
What about you, Kenny?
460
00:17:16,635 --> 00:17:18,101
Have you ever met
a celebrity chef?
461
00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:21,337
My wife watches
a lot of cooking shows.
462
00:17:21,339 --> 00:17:24,173
Why are you so awful to talk to?
463
00:17:24,175 --> 00:17:26,075
It's my nature.
464
00:17:26,077 --> 00:17:28,578
♪♪
465
00:17:30,414 --> 00:17:33,550
♪♪
466
00:17:34,718 --> 00:17:36,085
Jess...
467
00:17:36,087 --> 00:17:37,754
Jess Sapienza.
Stop!
468
00:17:37,756 --> 00:17:39,956
You are my friend
for my whole life.
Yes.
469
00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:41,691
And I've been for a couple years
470
00:17:41,693 --> 00:17:43,459
wanting you to come
and review movies.
471
00:17:43,461 --> 00:17:44,761
'Cause whenever you see a movie,
472
00:17:44,763 --> 00:17:46,796
you go, "I'd be a good
movie reviewer."
473
00:17:46,798 --> 00:17:47,497
Right.
474
00:17:47,499 --> 00:17:48,932
First of all,
you saw "The Revenant."
475
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:50,667
(laughing)
Stop it!
No.
476
00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:53,903
Yes, I saw "The Revenant."
That's all we talked about.
477
00:17:53,905 --> 00:17:55,471
Well, I have not heard yet.
478
00:17:55,473 --> 00:17:58,007
Please, you're a movie reviewer.
479
00:17:58,009 --> 00:17:58,975
Please review
"The Revenant."
480
00:17:58,977 --> 00:18:03,112
All right, I watched it
at home illegally.
481
00:18:03,114 --> 00:18:04,914
So it was awesome.
482
00:18:04,916 --> 00:18:06,015
Now what happens?
Okay.
483
00:18:06,017 --> 00:18:07,183
All right, the bear, hello.
484
00:18:07,185 --> 00:18:11,154
Yeah, Leonardo DiCaprio
has a bear attack,
485
00:18:11,156 --> 00:18:14,691
and Tom Hardy left him for dead.
486
00:18:14,693 --> 00:18:16,693
And, yadda yadda yadda,
487
00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:18,995
"The Revenant" is, uh,
488
00:18:18,997 --> 00:18:21,831
comes back and then
kills Tom Hardy.
489
00:18:21,833 --> 00:18:22,565
(laughing)
490
00:18:22,567 --> 00:18:26,035
Okay, what do you think
the movie "Carol" is about?
491
00:18:26,037 --> 00:18:29,572
Well, I thought it's about
lesbians. (laughing)
492
00:18:29,574 --> 00:18:30,473
You don't have to whisper it.
493
00:18:30,475 --> 00:18:33,876
Like, girls are straight-up
allowed to just go at it now.
494
00:18:33,878 --> 00:18:35,078
What is the most recent
movie you saw?
495
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,681
I... two nights ago,
we watched "The Night Before"
496
00:18:38,683 --> 00:18:40,016
with Seth Rogen.
497
00:18:40,018 --> 00:18:40,683
Review it.
498
00:18:40,685 --> 00:18:41,884
I will review it.
Do it.
499
00:18:41,886 --> 00:18:44,754
I fell asleep.
Jess, that's...
500
00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:45,955
(laughing)
501
00:18:45,957 --> 00:18:48,157
Review "Mockingjay 2."
502
00:18:48,159 --> 00:18:49,425
Okay.
503
00:18:49,427 --> 00:18:53,529
I have a severe crush
on, um, Cressida.
504
00:18:53,531 --> 00:18:54,831
Like, a hard crush.
505
00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:55,832
What's Cressida?
506
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:57,467
Um, what's her name?
Natalie Dormer.
507
00:18:57,469 --> 00:19:00,069
Oh, oh, her name's Cressida
in the... okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
508
00:19:00,071 --> 00:19:01,504
So, okay, so the review so far
is about Cressida.
509
00:19:01,506 --> 00:19:03,373
Forget about the movie,
forget about the movie.
510
00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:04,273
But that's what we're doing,
511
00:19:04,275 --> 00:19:05,942
we're reviewing the movie,
that's...
512
00:19:05,944 --> 00:19:07,143
But before that...
513
00:19:07,145 --> 00:19:08,678
at like the premiere of it.
514
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:11,381
First explain...
how you got invited
515
00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:13,883
to the "Mockingjay 2" premiere.
516
00:19:13,885 --> 00:19:14,584
Tell me the plot.
517
00:19:14,586 --> 00:19:16,653
You could definitely tell
that a lot better than me.
518
00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:19,322
Um, okay, well,
from what I remember,
519
00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:21,357
we'd been hanging out
with Jennifer Lawrence
520
00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:22,692
for about two hours.
521
00:19:22,694 --> 00:19:27,563
And then out of nowhere,
literally nowhere, you went,
522
00:19:27,565 --> 00:19:30,900
"Jennifer, here's why
I should be invited
523
00:19:30,902 --> 00:19:34,103
"to the 'Mockingjay 2' premiere.
524
00:19:34,105 --> 00:19:35,371
"I read all the books.
525
00:19:35,373 --> 00:19:37,840
I'm a fan!"
Do I sound like that?
526
00:19:37,842 --> 00:19:39,375
Is that what I sound like?
527
00:19:39,377 --> 00:19:41,744
Exactly like that.
528
00:19:41,746 --> 00:19:43,046
(laughing)
529
00:19:43,048 --> 00:19:43,713
So, we saw...
530
00:19:43,715 --> 00:19:45,481
We went to the "Mockingjay 2"
premiere.
Yes.
531
00:19:45,483 --> 00:19:50,253
We were at a bar and shoving
our... like, nobody would eat.
532
00:19:50,255 --> 00:19:52,955
We were invited
to the upstairs movie thing.
533
00:19:52,957 --> 00:19:53,723
The pre... yeah, yeah.
534
00:19:53,725 --> 00:19:55,692
And I'm at the bar
and Natalie Dormer walks up.
535
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,026
And I've gotten good
with, like, celebrities.
536
00:19:57,028 --> 00:19:58,795
You're very cool
with them now.
I've gotten better.
537
00:19:58,797 --> 00:20:00,763
You've gotten better.
I've gotten better.
538
00:20:00,765 --> 00:20:03,800
Okay, I'm just remembering
at the, um, premiere
539
00:20:03,802 --> 00:20:06,202
of "Trainwreck" when you
went up to Bill Hader going,
540
00:20:06,204 --> 00:20:08,204
"Do your gay character!"
541
00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:09,672
He loved that!
542
00:20:09,674 --> 00:20:11,841
(laughing)
He did.
543
00:20:11,843 --> 00:20:12,809
Okay, so...
So, uh...
544
00:20:12,811 --> 00:20:15,411
So for the review is that
you like Natalie Dormer.
545
00:20:15,413 --> 00:20:16,612
And that she was eating
next to you at a bar
546
00:20:16,614 --> 00:20:19,148
where you were, like, literally
eating your own body weight.
Right, and I...
547
00:20:19,150 --> 00:20:20,516
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
right, that's it.
548
00:20:20,518 --> 00:20:22,385
Okay, that's the whole...
That's the movie!
549
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:25,955
No, it was good, it was good,
it was good, um...
550
00:20:25,957 --> 00:20:27,223
I'm trying to remember that.
551
00:20:27,225 --> 00:20:29,525
I don't know, um...
552
00:20:29,527 --> 00:20:31,327
Okay, what movie...
553
00:20:31,329 --> 00:20:32,295
I'm, I'm, I'm blank, I'm blank.
554
00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:35,698
What movie is...
(laughing)
I'm sorry.
555
00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:37,467
No, you're gonna get
so many job offers
556
00:20:37,469 --> 00:20:39,368
out of these
movie reviews, Jess.
557
00:20:39,370 --> 00:20:41,637
♪♪
558
00:20:41,639 --> 00:20:43,840
But I thought you loved ferrets.
559
00:20:43,842 --> 00:20:45,775
(Amy laughing)
560
00:20:45,777 --> 00:20:50,413
God, this is so
fucking embarrassing!
561
00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:52,315
Fuck you!
562
00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:53,649
Fuck you, Amy!
563
00:20:53,651 --> 00:20:54,484
(screaming)
564
00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:57,120
Oh, my God...
(laughing)
565
00:21:02,459 --> 00:21:03,793
(woman)
So easy.
566
00:21:03,795 --> 00:21:05,561
(man)
Mmm, magic.
567
00:21:07,831 --> 00:21:09,198
I'm sending it back.
568
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,000
Oh, God!
569
00:21:12,336 --> 00:21:13,836
God.
570
00:21:15,139 --> 00:21:18,741
I'm this close to
canceling that weekend.
571
00:21:19,743 --> 00:21:21,978
This close.
39990
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