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1
00:00:08,968 --> 00:00:10,701
(duck quacks)
2
00:00:13,801 --> 00:00:15,300
(dog barking)
3
00:00:15,367 --> 00:00:17,334
(tires screeching)
4
00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:19,133
(dog whimpering)
5
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:21,501
Yeah, right!
I'm giving up an afternoon
6
00:00:21,567 --> 00:00:23,167
of prime, grade "A,"
flat-on-my-face
7
00:00:23,234 --> 00:00:24,501
self-induced
veg-out time
8
00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:25,868
just to come out to
Wonder Bread Heights
9
00:00:25,934 --> 00:00:27,167
and make chitchat
with total strangers
10
00:00:27,234 --> 00:00:28,934
who probably think
they're better than me
11
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,334
just because they
make more money,
12
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:31,934
hold down steady jobs
put away savings
13
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:34,033
for their kids' futures
and aren't wanted by Interpol.
14
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:35,534
How can people
live like that?
15
00:00:35,601 --> 00:00:37,634
Shut up and drive,
you urban cow patty!
16
00:00:37,701 --> 00:00:38,868
We're doing this for Ajax
17
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,267
and until we get
the results back
18
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:41,067
from those blood tests
I commissioned,
19
00:00:41,133 --> 00:00:42,400
you're still his father.
20
00:00:42,467 --> 00:00:43,801
This is important to him.
21
00:00:43,868 --> 00:00:45,300
You're about to meet
his new girlfriend's parents
22
00:00:45,367 --> 00:00:46,601
and we're going
to do all we can
23
00:00:46,667 --> 00:00:48,501
to make
the best impression possible.
24
00:00:48,567 --> 00:00:50,300
Ha-rumph.
25
00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:52,167
So, uh, Ajax, if
I'm going to meet
26
00:00:52,234 --> 00:00:53,601
this new love
of your life
27
00:00:53,667 --> 00:00:55,234
I might as well
know her name.
28
00:00:55,300 --> 00:00:56,234
"Tommy."
29
00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:57,234
(tires screeching)
30
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:03,467
Well, nice knowing you, son.
31
00:01:03,534 --> 00:01:05,133
Not like I don't love you,
but you know how people are.
32
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:06,601
They'll assume that sort of
thing runs in the family
33
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,167
and, frankly, I got a tough
enough time picking up chicks
34
00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:10,000
to begin with,
so good luck, be careful,
35
00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:11,501
and maybe we'll see you on TV
sometime
36
00:01:11,567 --> 00:01:13,934
lip-synching "Over the Rainbow"
at one of those pride parades.
37
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,868
Ajax, spell "Tommy"
for your father.
38
00:01:17,901 --> 00:01:20,200
T-A-
39
00:01:20,267 --> 00:01:22,868
M-M-Y.
40
00:01:22,934 --> 00:01:23,868
"Tommy."
41
00:01:25,367 --> 00:01:26,934
Well, what do you know?
42
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,000
Here we are right
at your little friend's house.
43
00:01:29,067 --> 00:01:32,100
(doorbell chiming)
44
00:01:32,167 --> 00:01:34,634
Who on earth would have
such an ominous sounding bell?
45
00:01:35,734 --> 00:01:37,000
DUCKMAN:
King Chicken?!
46
00:01:37,067 --> 00:01:38,334
Duckman.
47
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,133
You're on my turf,
walking decoy.
48
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,400
Fricassee your fryer,
tenderize your tips.
49
00:01:42,467 --> 00:01:43,901
When I'm through
with you...
50
00:01:43,968 --> 00:01:45,234
AJAX:
Excuse me.
51
00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:47,400
Could you please tell me
where Tammy is?
52
00:01:47,467 --> 00:01:49,234
Upstairs, second door
on the left.
53
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:50,300
Wait on her bed.
54
00:01:50,367 --> 00:01:52,300
She's just getting out
of the shower.
55
00:01:54,734 --> 00:01:56,000
Oh, talk tough now.
56
00:01:56,067 --> 00:01:58,601
You couldn't have
planned this better.
57
00:01:58,667 --> 00:01:59,934
(Bernice whistling)
58
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,834
(giggling):
Hi, Kingy.
59
00:02:01,901 --> 00:02:04,334
(laughing):
Bernice.
60
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,934
I can't believe
your nephew
61
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,667
is Tammy's new
boyfriend.
62
00:02:10,734 --> 00:02:12,667
You can't believe?
I'm getting nostalgic
63
00:02:12,734 --> 00:02:14,601
for a few minutes ago
when he was gay.
64
00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:15,934
Look, both of you,
65
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,267
can't you set aside
your death blood feud
66
00:02:18,334 --> 00:02:19,467
for one afternoon
67
00:02:19,534 --> 00:02:21,868
just for the sake
of the kids?
68
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:23,200
TAMMY:
Oh!
69
00:02:23,267 --> 00:02:24,868
(Ajax groans)
70
00:02:24,934 --> 00:02:28,300
Well, one
afternoon.
I guess so.
71
00:02:28,367 --> 00:02:31,100
But the second we leave,
I'm peeing on their lawn.
72
00:02:31,167 --> 00:02:33,100
Wait a second.
73
00:02:33,167 --> 00:02:36,234
Ajax said we were meeting
Tammy's parents
74
00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:37,834
with an "S."
75
00:02:37,901 --> 00:02:40,167
You mean to tell me
all these years
76
00:02:40,234 --> 00:02:42,701
after those many times
we were together
77
00:02:42,767 --> 00:02:45,234
after I threw
my back out for you
78
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:47,701
you've been married?!
79
00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:50,901
Bok-Bok-B-Bernice, please.
80
00:02:50,968 --> 00:02:52,567
It's not what you think.
81
00:02:52,634 --> 00:02:54,400
You see, my wife is...
82
00:02:54,467 --> 00:02:56,901
(softly):
dead.
83
00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:57,968
Dead?
84
00:02:58,033 --> 00:02:59,300
(sobbing):
It was...
85
00:02:59,367 --> 00:03:00,834
before we met.
86
00:03:00,901 --> 00:03:04,033
I c-c... I can't tell you
the pain I've been through
87
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,901
trying to be an evil genius
88
00:03:05,968 --> 00:03:08,701
and mother and father
to my little girl
89
00:03:08,767 --> 00:03:12,701
especially as I remember holding
my beloved bride in my arms
90
00:03:12,767 --> 00:03:15,367
while she took her last breath
91
00:03:15,434 --> 00:03:21,701
and said her final
unforgettable words to me.
92
00:03:21,767 --> 00:03:24,167
WOMAN:
Kingy Pie, is
that our guests?
93
00:03:26,334 --> 00:03:27,868
It's a miracle.
94
00:03:27,934 --> 00:03:30,601
She lives.
95
00:03:38,634 --> 00:03:41,200
Why, you must be Ajax's family.
96
00:03:41,267 --> 00:03:43,367
I'm King's wifey
through the week,
97
00:03:43,434 --> 00:03:45,234
golf widow on the weekend.
98
00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:46,567
Call me Honey.
99
00:03:46,634 --> 00:03:48,234
And you are?
100
00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:49,567
I'm, uh, Duckman
101
00:03:49,634 --> 00:03:51,567
and this is my not-wifey,
Bernice.
102
00:03:51,634 --> 00:03:52,901
Tell me, Honey,
103
00:03:52,968 --> 00:03:55,567
would a bun in your oven
be honey baked?
104
00:03:55,634 --> 00:03:58,534
(Duckman and Honey laughing)
105
00:03:58,601 --> 00:03:59,767
(grunts)
106
00:03:59,834 --> 00:04:01,300
Whoops. Have
to watch out
107
00:04:01,367 --> 00:04:03,567
for those
involuntary
muscle spasms.
108
00:04:03,634 --> 00:04:05,334
I know I will.
109
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:06,834
(laughs)
110
00:04:06,901 --> 00:04:08,834
George Herbert
Walker Chicken,
111
00:04:08,901 --> 00:04:10,501
where are
your manners?
112
00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:12,634
Invite our guests
in for a drink.
113
00:04:14,267 --> 00:04:15,367
Honey,
114
00:04:15,434 --> 00:04:17,367
this man is
my arch nemesis.
115
00:04:17,434 --> 00:04:20,200
I'll tolerate his presence
for Tammy's sake
116
00:04:20,267 --> 00:04:22,434
but I will not have
a drink with him.
117
00:04:22,501 --> 00:04:23,701
Oh, pshaw!
118
00:04:23,767 --> 00:04:26,734
I don't even know
what an arch nemesis is,
119
00:04:26,801 --> 00:04:28,734
but do come in.
120
00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:30,367
King's always
throwing around
121
00:04:30,434 --> 00:04:31,767
those two-dollar phrases.
122
00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:34,767
It's "chief adversary" this,
"world domination" that,
123
00:04:34,834 --> 00:04:37,868
but little ol' me can't make
heads or tails of it.
124
00:04:37,934 --> 00:04:40,901
I just leave all that
man stuff to the man.
125
00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:02,868
Pardon.
126
00:05:02,934 --> 00:05:06,167
"Tommy" and I need some
canola oil, rope and a zucchini.
127
00:05:06,234 --> 00:05:08,033
HONEY:
Try the kitchen,
sweetie.
128
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:09,567
Kids.
129
00:05:09,634 --> 00:05:11,601
They're always
up to something.
130
00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:13,501
I don't know
what everyone wants
131
00:05:13,567 --> 00:05:16,000
but after one
of my sloe gin fizz specials
132
00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:17,334
you won't either.
133
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,501
(laughing)
134
00:05:19,534 --> 00:05:21,100
(all gulping)
135
00:05:22,334 --> 00:05:27,567
Well, aren't we
three thirsty guffies.
136
00:05:27,634 --> 00:05:30,033
Kingy, why don't you
put on some tunes?
137
00:05:30,100 --> 00:05:31,868
You paid
a wing and a thigh
138
00:05:31,934 --> 00:05:34,467
for that home
entertainment system.
139
00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:37,534
You know, it's so revealing
140
00:05:37,601 --> 00:05:40,534
to see the things a man
acquires for his home,
141
00:05:40,601 --> 00:05:43,033
the things that
make him happy.
142
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:46,534
Not everything a man acquires
makes him happy,
143
00:05:46,601 --> 00:05:51,133
especially if he didn't
comparison shop beforehand.
144
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,534
I know the perfect store
that has everything
145
00:05:53,601 --> 00:05:55,400
in just the right
size and color.
146
00:05:55,467 --> 00:05:58,000
Too bad it's no longer open.
147
00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:00,033
I think said store
has forgotten
148
00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:04,334
what an inconceivably
long shopping list
149
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:07,501
a certain customer has.
150
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:10,033
No. In fact, I think
a certain customer
151
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:12,667
should see a specialist
about a credit extension!
152
00:06:12,734 --> 00:06:14,501
Well, I think...
153
00:06:14,567 --> 00:06:17,367
Who gives a damn what
you think?!
Who gives a damn
what you think?!
154
00:06:17,434 --> 00:06:18,701
HONEY:
Dinner.
155
00:06:18,767 --> 00:06:22,100
I think this is going
to be a special evening.
156
00:06:22,167 --> 00:06:23,467
(hiccups)
157
00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:31,534
(chewing loudly)
158
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:34,367
What? I'm chewing.
159
00:06:34,434 --> 00:06:36,801
Sometime tonight,
try swallowing.
160
00:06:36,868 --> 00:06:38,634
And choking on it.
161
00:06:38,701 --> 00:06:41,801
I can insult him myself,
thank you.
162
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:43,734
Yeah. * Nee-ner,
nee-ner, nee-ner. *
163
00:06:43,801 --> 00:06:45,400
Shut up!
164
00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:52,667
I hope my casserole
isn't too dry.
165
00:06:52,734 --> 00:06:56,300
I swear, with the range
and the Crock-Pot, microwave
166
00:06:56,367 --> 00:06:59,834
and the FryBaby, you need to be
some kind of rocket scientist
167
00:06:59,901 --> 00:07:02,868
to work out
all those little buttons.
168
00:07:02,934 --> 00:07:05,767
And you're
no rocket scientist.
169
00:07:05,834 --> 00:07:09,000
No, sir, I am not.
170
00:07:10,234 --> 00:07:11,501
No, sir.
171
00:07:11,567 --> 00:07:14,501
No, sir-ee, bob-bob-bob!
172
00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:17,000
No!
173
00:07:26,234 --> 00:07:28,033
Out of yams.
Need more.
174
00:07:28,100 --> 00:07:29,467
I'll help.
175
00:07:30,767 --> 00:07:33,667
There's more
in the thingamajigger.
176
00:07:33,734 --> 00:07:35,200
(grunting in kitchen)
177
00:07:35,267 --> 00:07:37,868
So, Kingy says
you're a dick.
178
00:07:37,934 --> 00:07:39,534
Huh? What? What?
179
00:07:39,601 --> 00:07:41,868
A private detective.
180
00:07:41,934 --> 00:07:43,534
Isn't that what
they're called?
181
00:07:43,601 --> 00:07:46,701
Oh, right.
Yeah. Yes, I am.
182
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:49,634
BERNICE:
Yes! Kingy, yes, yes, yes!
183
00:07:49,701 --> 00:07:51,467
Do you like it?
184
00:07:51,534 --> 00:07:52,801
Like it?
185
00:07:52,868 --> 00:07:55,801
It sounds so... lonely.
186
00:07:55,868 --> 00:07:57,801
Detective work.
187
00:07:57,868 --> 00:07:59,801
(yelling)
188
00:07:59,868 --> 00:08:01,467
KING:
You're on my ankle.
189
00:08:01,534 --> 00:08:02,968
Okay. There.
190
00:08:03,033 --> 00:08:05,334
Oh, yes!
191
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,334
Right there!
192
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,000
Uh... no.
I work with someone.
193
00:08:10,067 --> 00:08:11,501
He's a pig.
194
00:08:11,567 --> 00:08:13,334
My partner is a pig.
195
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:14,667
How nice.
196
00:08:14,734 --> 00:08:17,167
I understand
they're very smart.
197
00:08:17,234 --> 00:08:18,834
(yelling)
198
00:08:18,901 --> 00:08:20,834
Adorable breakfront
199
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:22,334
with the complete
commemorative
200
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,667
famous-sports-heroes-
turned-killers plate collection.
201
00:08:24,734 --> 00:08:27,367
I got those
to cheer up Kingy
on his big 3-0.
202
00:08:27,434 --> 00:08:30,501
You know, you, uh, you
have a very lovely home.
203
00:08:30,567 --> 00:08:31,868
What?
204
00:08:31,934 --> 00:08:34,667
Your home--
it's very lovely!
205
00:08:34,734 --> 00:08:37,934
Thank you.
I try my best.
206
00:08:38,033 --> 00:08:39,968
(screaming)
207
00:08:40,033 --> 00:08:43,133
(panting)
208
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,634
KING CHICKEN:
Wrong leg.
209
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:57,601
Sounds like you two looked
high and low for those yams.
210
00:08:57,667 --> 00:08:58,701
Yams?
211
00:08:58,767 --> 00:09:00,868
You know,
the yams you went in there for.
212
00:09:00,934 --> 00:09:02,200
Hmm? Where are they?
213
00:09:02,267 --> 00:09:04,868
You got all you need.
214
00:09:04,934 --> 00:09:07,300
Apparently,
that makes threeof us.
215
00:09:08,534 --> 00:09:10,801
Are you suggesting...
216
00:09:10,868 --> 00:09:14,167
How dare you insult me
in front of my wife,
217
00:09:14,234 --> 00:09:17,334
who's still dangerously
close to coherent.
218
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:21,434
How dare you come into my house
and suggest that I...
219
00:09:21,501 --> 00:09:22,767
Dip your McNuggets
220
00:09:22,834 --> 00:09:24,934
in something
other than Honey?
221
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:26,367
(screaming)
222
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,334
My morals
are beyond reproach.
223
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,701
And I'll brutally kill anyone
who says they're not.
224
00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:35,267
We aren't children anymore.
225
00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:38,434
I don't have to put up with your
abuse and your cruelty
226
00:09:38,501 --> 00:09:39,868
and your taunting,
227
00:09:39,934 --> 00:09:42,167
your turning me into the most
unpopular kid in school.
228
00:09:42,234 --> 00:09:44,634
I should charge
for these sessions.
229
00:09:44,701 --> 00:09:47,367
Look what you've done to me!
230
00:09:47,434 --> 00:09:49,200
The Kramers next door
231
00:09:49,267 --> 00:09:51,534
own a family
dry-cleaning business.
232
00:09:51,601 --> 00:09:54,868
Jim Rosenthal across the street
is a C.P.A.
233
00:09:54,934 --> 00:09:56,868
Winnie's in real estate.
234
00:09:56,934 --> 00:09:58,534
By the way, lovely people
235
00:09:58,601 --> 00:10:00,234
and their front lawn's
to die for.
236
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:03,868
But me!
I sit in a basement all day
237
00:10:03,934 --> 00:10:05,767
thinking of ways
to take over the world.
238
00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:09,868
Think we're car-pooling
to the P.T.A.?
239
00:10:09,934 --> 00:10:11,534
I just wanted to belong.
240
00:10:11,601 --> 00:10:13,534
To be one of the guys.
241
00:10:13,601 --> 00:10:15,467
But I'd always end up
running home
242
00:10:15,534 --> 00:10:18,234
laughed at, humiliated,
everyone hating me.
243
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:21,167
You couldn't know
what that's like!
244
00:10:21,234 --> 00:10:23,400
I know exactly
what that's like!
245
00:10:25,534 --> 00:10:28,567
I mean... well...
246
00:10:28,634 --> 00:10:30,901
I know because...
247
00:10:30,968 --> 00:10:34,501
after you ran home,
they always beat me up.
248
00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:38,400
Oh, what? That never
occurred to you?
249
00:10:38,467 --> 00:10:41,300
That I was the second-most
unpopular kid in school?
250
00:10:41,367 --> 00:10:44,367
That I made fun of you
so I could be one of the guys?
251
00:10:44,434 --> 00:10:47,234
It was the only way
I got to feel what it was like
252
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:50,000
not to be the punching bag,
not to be the outcast myself.
253
00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:53,701
And it's not like it's changed
much for me, either, you know.
254
00:10:55,601 --> 00:10:57,467
I'm sorry.
255
00:11:04,868 --> 00:11:06,567
(clears throat)
256
00:11:09,033 --> 00:11:11,534
Excuse me,
Mr. and Mrs. Chicken.
257
00:11:11,601 --> 00:11:14,567
Do you have barbecue tongs,
a buttered-up wicker bun pan,
258
00:11:14,634 --> 00:11:17,033
and a towel we can throw away
when we're done?
259
00:11:17,100 --> 00:11:18,834
Kitchen, dear.
260
00:11:20,934 --> 00:11:22,767
Kids.
261
00:11:22,834 --> 00:11:24,100
Tell me about it.
262
00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:25,767
You do your best
and then you hope.
263
00:11:25,834 --> 00:11:28,467
Exactly. Who knows if they grow
up on the side of good
264
00:11:28,534 --> 00:11:30,400
or the embodiment of pure evil.
265
00:11:30,467 --> 00:11:31,734
It's a crapshoot.
266
00:11:31,801 --> 00:11:33,400
You said
a mouthful there.
267
00:11:33,467 --> 00:11:34,901
Isn't that, though?
268
00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:38,400
So...
269
00:11:38,467 --> 00:11:41,400
Duckman, I
was wondering...
270
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:42,868
Maybe you'd like
to come downstairs
271
00:11:42,934 --> 00:11:44,801
and see my office.
272
00:11:44,868 --> 00:11:48,367
(gulps)
I... I guess so.
273
00:11:48,434 --> 00:11:49,834
Sure.
274
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:59,701
Well, here we are,
my dark fortress,
275
00:11:59,767 --> 00:12:02,367
nucleus of my deadly realm,
276
00:12:02,434 --> 00:12:05,801
nexus of my horrific plots
to kill you
277
00:12:05,868 --> 00:12:07,133
and destroy the planet.
278
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:08,467
Now don't judge.
279
00:12:08,534 --> 00:12:09,968
I'm not through decorating.
280
00:12:12,267 --> 00:12:14,234
Sweet!
281
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,534
Here, of course
282
00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:18,367
is a rather special
section of the room.
283
00:12:18,434 --> 00:12:22,000
You might recognize
a thing or two.
284
00:12:27,634 --> 00:12:30,200
Well, well, well.
285
00:12:30,267 --> 00:12:31,567
Is my face red.
286
00:12:31,634 --> 00:12:33,234
The time spent!
287
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:34,901
The attention
to detail.
288
00:12:34,968 --> 00:12:37,400
I don't know whether
to be frightened
or flattered.
289
00:12:37,467 --> 00:12:39,400
(both laughing)
290
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:40,901
Oh, flattered, please.
291
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:43,667
I'll try not to wipe you
off the face of the earth
292
00:12:43,734 --> 00:12:45,467
while you're a guest
in my house.
293
00:12:45,534 --> 00:12:48,501
Appreciate it!
Bok-bok.
294
00:12:48,567 --> 00:12:49,834
It isn't! From '78?
295
00:12:49,901 --> 00:12:52,501
That whole giant
spinning wheel
of death thing?
296
00:12:52,567 --> 00:12:53,834
Talk about a crime!
297
00:12:53,901 --> 00:12:55,734
I can't believe
I wore those
platform shoes.
298
00:12:55,801 --> 00:12:57,400
Look at my hair!
299
00:12:57,467 --> 00:12:59,167
And those muttonchops!
300
00:12:59,234 --> 00:13:02,000
My God! You should
have been killing me!
301
00:13:04,734 --> 00:13:07,868
Hey, you have one
of those fun machines!
302
00:13:07,934 --> 00:13:09,868
Guilty as charged.
303
00:13:09,934 --> 00:13:11,367
It relaxes me
304
00:13:11,434 --> 00:13:13,601
and it's great
around the holidays.
305
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:15,701
May I?
Go ahead.
306
00:13:15,767 --> 00:13:18,701
(music playing)
307
00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:33,400
(clearing throat)
308
00:13:33,467 --> 00:13:34,901
(clearing throat)
309
00:13:40,033 --> 00:13:42,300
(sighs)
310
00:13:43,868 --> 00:13:45,767
(sighs)
311
00:13:45,834 --> 00:13:48,200
(drunkenly):
You want to
know a secret?
312
00:13:48,267 --> 00:13:50,033
(both burping)
313
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:53,200
Sometimes, I wish
I was an evil genius
314
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:55,200
just like you
315
00:13:55,267 --> 00:13:57,200
because let
me tell you
316
00:13:57,267 --> 00:14:00,701
you are the best
in the biz, mister.
317
00:14:00,767 --> 00:14:02,067
It means a lot
318
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:05,033
to hear you
drunkenly slur that,
319
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:09,701
'cause I never wanted
just to murder you.
320
00:14:09,767 --> 00:14:13,567
I wanted your respech-t.
321
00:14:13,634 --> 00:14:15,234
You're the one!
322
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:19,567
You're Dickman,
private duck.
323
00:14:19,634 --> 00:14:21,234
You said a mouthful...
324
00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:23,734
(burping):
King Chicken.
325
00:14:23,801 --> 00:14:25,534
(burping):
Duckman!
326
00:14:25,601 --> 00:14:27,868
(both guffawing)
327
00:14:31,834 --> 00:14:34,767
I just want you to know
328
00:14:34,834 --> 00:14:37,400
I love you, man.
329
00:14:37,467 --> 00:14:41,901
I love you, too, man.
330
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:44,133
You know
what this means.
331
00:14:45,701 --> 00:14:46,934
Not that.
332
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:50,701
It means we're friends.
333
00:14:50,767 --> 00:14:53,934
(both burping)
334
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,033
(both laughing)
335
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,834
DUCKMAN:
Lactose intolerant.Ben Vereen.
336
00:15:02,901 --> 00:15:04,634
Guppies ina trash compactor.
337
00:15:06,968 --> 00:15:08,868
Uh... lactose tolerant.
338
00:15:08,934 --> 00:15:10,234
Ben Johnson.
339
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,567
Guppies in a great big
trash compactor.
340
00:15:12,634 --> 00:15:13,868
Time.
Time.
341
00:15:13,934 --> 00:15:15,868
(all laughing)
342
00:15:15,934 --> 00:15:18,901
What an amusing series
of errors.
343
00:15:18,968 --> 00:15:22,901
No, compadre,
it was War and Peace.
344
00:15:22,968 --> 00:15:24,767
A-ha. What's
War and Peace?
345
00:15:24,834 --> 00:15:26,234
It's a book.
346
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:28,968
A-ha. What's a book?
347
00:15:29,033 --> 00:15:30,868
(laughs)
Only kidding.
348
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:32,801
I used one to prop up a window
just last week.
349
00:15:32,868 --> 00:15:35,801
Well, charades is not only
loads of provincial fun,
350
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:38,934
the built-in tension seems
to have sobered all of us up.
351
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,334
(clattering)
352
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,834
(cackling laughter)
353
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,234
Perhaps one more game.
354
00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:51,033
George, thinks I have
a drinking problem
355
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:53,167
and I do...
356
00:15:53,234 --> 00:15:56,267
I'm not plastered yet!
357
00:15:56,334 --> 00:15:58,534
(laughing)
358
00:15:58,601 --> 00:16:00,734
(chuckles nervously)
359
00:16:00,801 --> 00:16:04,067
Duckman, I think it's just super
that you're here tonight.
360
00:16:04,133 --> 00:16:06,367
I hear your name
around here so often--
361
00:16:06,434 --> 00:16:07,968
cursed from
the downstairs office
362
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:10,701
screamed in the middle
of a sweat-soaked nightmare.
363
00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:14,968
I've got an idea-- Scruples.
364
00:16:15,033 --> 00:16:16,601
Doesn't ring a bell.
The game?
365
00:16:16,667 --> 00:16:17,434
The word.
366
00:16:17,501 --> 00:16:18,601
You answer questions
367
00:16:18,667 --> 00:16:20,100
and everyone votes
368
00:16:20,167 --> 00:16:21,734
on whether you're telling
the truth-- I'll show you.
369
00:16:21,801 --> 00:16:24,534
"You're attracted to
someone who's married.
370
00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:28,067
Do you act on that
attraction or not?"
371
00:16:28,133 --> 00:16:29,934
You say, "of course not."
372
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,701
We all believe you
and we move on.
373
00:16:32,767 --> 00:16:38,033
"You have a chance to cheat
on your wife of 17 years.
374
00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:39,400
"Do you resist
375
00:16:39,467 --> 00:16:42,133
"or do you reward
everything she's
given you
376
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:47,567
by betraying her
with a relative
of a sworn enemy?"
377
00:16:47,634 --> 00:16:49,067
Getting the idea?
378
00:16:51,467 --> 00:16:53,067
Oh!
379
00:16:53,133 --> 00:16:56,067
My heavens, this won't do.
380
00:16:56,133 --> 00:16:59,467
Duckman, help me walk.
381
00:17:01,334 --> 00:17:02,601
She's only guessing.
382
00:17:02,667 --> 00:17:04,234
She can feel
the electricity.
383
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:06,400
Oh, Kingy, all I want is
for you to get a divorce,
384
00:17:06,467 --> 00:17:07,968
give up your
life-long dream,
385
00:17:08,033 --> 00:17:09,534
settle down in a
god-forsaken sinkhole
386
00:17:09,601 --> 00:17:11,968
and work long hours
at a poorly paid
service industry job
387
00:17:12,033 --> 00:17:14,667
while I get old and fat
caring for my dead sister's
three children.
388
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,100
Is that too much to ask?
389
00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:20,167
Bernice, the lure
of that lifestyle
is strong indeed.
390
00:17:20,234 --> 00:17:22,834
Say, I've got
an idea.
391
00:17:22,901 --> 00:17:24,834
While I work
on the divorce,
392
00:17:24,901 --> 00:17:26,634
we can have sex
on the sly
393
00:17:26,701 --> 00:17:28,100
while I keep having sex
with Honey
394
00:17:28,167 --> 00:17:30,100
and never acknowledge
you in public.
395
00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:32,567
(growling)
396
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:37,100
You, uh... you sure
the champagne's in here?
397
00:17:37,167 --> 00:17:40,968
Oop. No.
Here it is.
398
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:48,000
Now, don't pop that cork
prematurely, Mr. Downy Buns.
399
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,834
(smacking)
400
00:17:49,901 --> 00:17:53,634
Wait, wait, Mrs. Chicken,
we can't do this.
401
00:17:53,701 --> 00:17:54,934
This is wrong.
402
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:57,801
If we did anything,
it would crush my
new best friend
403
00:17:57,868 --> 00:18:00,133
and we'd both regret it
for the rest of our lives.
404
00:18:04,267 --> 00:18:07,901
Of course, it's not like lives
are that long.
405
00:18:12,167 --> 00:18:13,167
(moaning)
406
00:18:13,234 --> 00:18:16,367
What the...?
407
00:18:16,434 --> 00:18:18,767
What's going
on here?!
408
00:18:18,834 --> 00:18:21,367
This is how
you carry on
a friendship?
409
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,033
Of course not.
I barely even like her.
410
00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:24,701
Oh, you meant with you.
411
00:18:24,767 --> 00:18:26,534
Look, I wouldn't have
gone through with it.
412
00:18:26,601 --> 00:18:29,267
Another 20 or 30 minutes,
I would have put my foot down.
413
00:18:29,334 --> 00:18:32,234
Nothing's changed,
has it, Dorkman?
414
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:34,667
You'd do anything
to humiliate me.
415
00:18:34,734 --> 00:18:36,934
Anything it takes
to destroy my life.
416
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,033
Even if it means getting my wife
417
00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:42,968
to violate
the sacred bonds of matrimony.
418
00:18:43,033 --> 00:18:46,300
Quit crowing,
Mr. Cock-a-diddle-too.
419
00:18:46,367 --> 00:18:49,634
You've been "violating"
our "sacred bonds"
420
00:18:49,701 --> 00:18:51,968
for who knows
how many years.
421
00:18:52,033 --> 00:18:54,968
I'm a man!
422
00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:58,133
I mean... I have not.
423
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,334
I'm tired of your lies.
424
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:04,334
And I'm tired of slaving
over a hot stove while you have
425
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,834
your little cellulite-encrusted
tart for dessert.
426
00:19:07,901 --> 00:19:11,033
Well, if I spent my life
as tanked up as you do,
427
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:13,601
I wouldn't want to go near
an open flame either.
428
00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:15,100
Is that right?
429
00:19:15,167 --> 00:19:17,534
Well, maybe
Susie Homewrecker here
430
00:19:17,601 --> 00:19:19,200
would like to help out.
431
00:19:19,267 --> 00:19:21,334
Why don't you dip yourself
in flour
432
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:23,200
and make a skank biscuit?
433
00:19:23,267 --> 00:19:26,000
Blow it out your Jell-o mold,
Betty Crock-o-sh...
434
00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:28,334
Shut up!
435
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,801
This is your fault, Duckman.
436
00:19:30,868 --> 00:19:33,801
Everything was fine
until you ruined it,
437
00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:36,033
you teeth-sucking boor.
438
00:19:36,100 --> 00:19:39,300
Don't blame me,
you rug-wearing
suburban psycho.
439
00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:41,534
Scrawny yellow
hockey stick.
440
00:19:41,601 --> 00:19:42,667
Chrome dome.
441
00:19:42,734 --> 00:19:44,167
Hostess humper.
442
00:19:44,234 --> 00:19:47,167
George Herbert Walker!
443
00:19:47,234 --> 00:19:50,200
My name is King!
444
00:19:50,267 --> 00:19:51,267
That's it.
445
00:19:51,334 --> 00:19:52,300
It's over.
446
00:19:52,367 --> 00:19:54,400
I am once again
dedicating my life
447
00:19:54,467 --> 00:19:56,000
to taking over the world
448
00:19:56,067 --> 00:19:58,267
and destroying you
in the process.
449
00:19:58,334 --> 00:20:01,100
And I mine!
To you.
450
00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:04,634
Egad! You can't even
banter properly.
451
00:20:04,701 --> 00:20:07,000
We're on opposite sides
of what's right, Chicken.
452
00:20:07,067 --> 00:20:09,100
It's clear to me
we could never be friends.
453
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:12,801
For the last time
in our lives, we agree.
454
00:20:12,868 --> 00:20:15,701
This friendship
is deceased.
455
00:20:15,767 --> 00:20:16,801
HONEY:
Good.
456
00:20:16,868 --> 00:20:20,767
I'm not a big fan of change.
457
00:20:20,834 --> 00:20:22,501
You see, I realized
some time ago
458
00:20:22,567 --> 00:20:24,901
that I wasn't going to have
a life I could be proud of
459
00:20:24,968 --> 00:20:27,934
so I promised myself
a life I could hang on to.
460
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:29,834
King's happiest when
he's hating Duckman.
461
00:20:29,901 --> 00:20:31,167
He's downstairs, he's working--
462
00:20:31,234 --> 00:20:33,167
everything's in its place.
I like that.
463
00:20:33,234 --> 00:20:34,734
When you have
very little,
464
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:37,267
you hold tight
to the things
that are there.
465
00:20:37,334 --> 00:20:38,934
Which is why I
also made sure
466
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,734
he signed
a prenuptial
agreement
467
00:20:40,801 --> 00:20:43,634
promising me
everything
if he leaves.
468
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:47,868
Can you imagine
the things I had to do
469
00:20:47,934 --> 00:20:50,734
to get him
to sign that?
470
00:20:50,801 --> 00:20:53,534
The point being, he's
not going anywhere.
471
00:20:53,601 --> 00:20:56,734
My Kingy's life
is his work and me.
472
00:20:56,801 --> 00:20:59,801
Other people are too
big a risk for us,
473
00:20:59,868 --> 00:21:03,200
and I do what I have to
to keep them out.
474
00:21:05,868 --> 00:21:08,033
So, now that we all
understand each other,
475
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:10,834
I think we'll assume that except
in the course of their careers
476
00:21:10,901 --> 00:21:12,334
as bitter arch enemies,
477
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,901
none of us will ever
see each other again.
478
00:21:14,968 --> 00:21:15,968
Agreed?
479
00:21:36,667 --> 00:21:40,234
Dad, Aunt Bernice,
I really like "Tommy."
480
00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:42,767
I hope we can
come back soon.
481
00:21:44,467 --> 00:21:47,868
Dad? Aunt Bernice?
482
00:22:35,067 --> 00:22:37,901
KING CHICKEN:
Lovely people, and theirfront lawn's to die for.
33684
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