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Filmexport Home Video presents
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THE GOOD SOLDIER SCHWEIK
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Starring:
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Schweik:
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Mrs. Muller:
Innkeeper Palivec:
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Detective Brettschneider:
Army Chaplain:
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Lieutenant Lukas:
Mrs. Wendler:
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Minor parts acted by:
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Assistant Director:
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Screen Play and Direction:
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So they've killed our Ferdinand,
Mr. Schweik!
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- Which Ferdinand, Mrs. Muller?
I know two.
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One of them does jobs for Prussia
the chemist,
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and one day he drank a bottle of
hair oil by mistake...
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- But Mr. Schweik, it's the Archduke
Ferdinand, the one from Konopiste,
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you know, the fat, pious one.
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- Good Lord, that's a fine thing...
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And where did this happen?
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- They shot him at Sarajevo,
with a revolver, you know.
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He was riding there with his Archduchess
in a motor car.
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- Fancy that, Mrs. Muller,
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what a bad end a ride in a motor car
can have!
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Did he suffer long?
- The Archduke
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was done for on the spot!
U ou know,
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a revolver is no plaything.
- With some revolvers, Mrs. Muller,
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you could try till you were dotty,
and they still wouldn't go off!
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But they are sure to have used
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something better than that
for the Archduke!
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And I wouldn't mind betting,
Mrs. Muller, that the fellow who did it
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put on his Sunday best for the job.
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U ou know, this is not a case
of a poacher shooting a gamekeeper.
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For a job like this, you have to wear
a top hat,
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or else the police would run you in
before you got near him.
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- I hear there were a whole lot of them,
Mr. Schweik.
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- Of course, Mrs. Muller!
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If you for instance wanted to kill
an Archduke...
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- Oh, Mr. Schweik!
...or the Emperor,
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naturally you'd talk it over
with somebody.
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Two heads are better than one.
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One gives one bit of advice,
the other gives another
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and so the good work prospers.
As our National Anthem says.
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- The newspaper says, Mrs. Schweik,
that the Archduke
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was properly riddled with bullets.
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The assassin emptied the whole lot
into him.
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- That was mighty quick work,
Mrs. Muller.
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I'd buy a Browning for a job like that.
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It looks like a toy,
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but in a couple of minutes, you could
shoot twenty Archdukes with it,
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thin or fat!
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- I got the shock of my life now.
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I thought somebody had been spying
on us!
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- But instead of that, our Balaban,
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sold six times already,
has returned again.
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- Aren't you unlucky with that dog,
Mr. Schweik...
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Why did you take him in to begin with?
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- I had to take care of him,
you know,
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because he is so ugly that all
the other dogs avoid him.
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And he was so sad about it.
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- All that suffering he's caused us!
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- Well, now, Mrs. Muller,
I'm going round to the "Flagon".
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- All right,
Mr. Schweik.
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- Give my key with the house porter,
please!
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- Good bye, Mr. Schweik!
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- We are having a fine summer,
aren't we?
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- All damn rotten!
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- That's a fine thing they have done for
us at Sarajevo, don't you agree?
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- Do you mean the wine shop in Nusle?
They have a rumpus there every day.
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- No, I mean Sarajevo in Bosnia.
They shot the Archduke Ferdinand there.
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00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:03,301
What do you think of that?
- I never shove my nose
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into that sort of thing.
I've got my business to see to.
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- Innkeeper,
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you used to have a picture
of the Emperor hanging there...
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- That's right,
it used to hang there,
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but flies left their trademarks
all over it, so I put it into the attic.
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U ou see, somebody might pass
a remark about it
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and then there would be trouble.
What do I need that kind of trouble for?
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- Good day to all of you, Gentlemen!
- Alright, Mr. Schweik.
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- One Black beer for me today.
- A black one...?
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- In Vienna, they're also in black today,
for mourning.
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U ou won't believe me,
gentlemen,
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but I know that something will happen
at Sarajevo.
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- What, you know about it...?
- Of course,
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as soon as there is an army parade,
something is bound to happen.
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Allow me, is this yours?
- Please.
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- I remember once, during an inspection
like that,
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there were twenty buttons missing
from my tunic
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and I got two weeks solitary
confinement for it,
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and had to spend two days of it tied up,
hand and foot.
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And all that because of discipline.
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Our company commander, a fellow called
Makovec, always used to say:
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"There's got to be discipline,
you thick-headed louts,
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or else you'd be crawling about like
monkeys on trees!"
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And isn't it true, gentlemen?
- Hm.
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- Just imagine a park,
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on Charles Square for instance,
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with an undisciplined soldier
on every tree...
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That's what I was always most afraid of.
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- That business at Sarajevo was done
by the Serbians.
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00:07:01,387 --> 00:07:02,820
- U ou are wrong there.
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00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,817
It was done by the Turks,
because of Bosnia and Herzegovina.
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They're cross, because our Emperor
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did not help them in the war
with Serbia.
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Do you like Turks?
Do you like that heathen pack of dogs?
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- A customer is a customer!
And he may be a Turk for all that.
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People like us, who have a business
to look after,
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can't be bothered with politics.
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Pay for your drink, and you can sit down
and talk about what you like!
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- All right, Innkeeper,
but you'll have to admit
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that it's a great loss to Austria.
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- U es, there's no denying it.
A fearful loss!
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U ou can't replace Ferdinand by any sort
of fool.
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Isn't that true?
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I say, I wouldn't like to be
the Archdukes widow.
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What's she going to do now?
The children are orphans,
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the estate at Konopiste is without
a master, what is she going to do...?
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Marry another Archduke?
What good would come of that?
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She'd take another trip to Sarajevo
and be left a widow for the second time!
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- Come, come, gentlemen, talk about
something else! I don't like this!
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One word leads to another and then
you might be sorry!
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00:08:06,385 --> 00:08:10,048
- We are not drunk enough
to make nasty remarks about the Emperor!
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- And what sort of nasty remarks
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about the Emperor do people make
when they are...
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- Well...
- Well, what...?
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- All sorts.
- Well, what sorts?
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Do you know any?
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- Get drunk...
- And then what?
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...get them to play the Austrian
National Anthem...
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- Well, and...?
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...and you'll see what you'll start
saying.
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00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:38,308
But the Emperor is not going to put up
with that sort of thing.
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Little do you know!
There's got to be war with them Turks!
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Kill my uncle, would you?
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Then take this smack in the jaw
for a start.
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There's going to be a war!
That's all I can tell you.
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- Follow me into the alley and
I'll tell you something.
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- Let me have another Slivovitz
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and I shall have to go,
you know, I've just been arrested.
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- Come here!
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Are you married?
- U es.
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00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,362
- And can your wife carry on
the business during your absence?
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00:09:27,466 --> 00:09:28,899
- U es.
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- Well then, hand the business over
to your wife
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and we shall come for you
in the evening!
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- But why?
- Don't you worry,
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I am being run in only for high treason.
- And I was being that careful!
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- I've got you for saying that the flies
left their trademarks on the Emperor.
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Let's go!
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They'll knock all that stuff
about the Emperor out of your head!
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- I am innocent!
I don't read the papers at all!
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- What concern is that of mine...?
- I am not interested
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in politics! Mister!
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Mister, I'm innocent! Innocent!
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00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:02,757
- For God's sake, where did you put
my basket?
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00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:04,495
- Call my lawyer
immediately!
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00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:06,367
- What's that?! What's that?!
- Off you go!
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00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,102
- Please...
be kind enough to tell the inspector,
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00:10:10,343 --> 00:10:12,072
that I'm a stationer!
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00:10:12,211 --> 00:10:13,644
- Is there a vacant place here?
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00:10:16,248 --> 00:10:18,808
- Well, what does it look like
outside? Shall we be here for long?
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00:10:20,519 --> 00:10:23,454
- It depends on the kind of crime
you have committed.
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00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:25,887
- Mister, I'm the chairman
of the "Smallholder's Union"!
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00:10:27,226 --> 00:10:30,525
We just had a garden party.
Two tons of Wiener schnitzels
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and a lottery.
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And just when the party was going fine,
a gentleman came around
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and told us to stop,
that Austria was in mourning.
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00:10:38,537 --> 00:10:40,630
So I said: "Just wait a moment,
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00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:44,540
wait till they've played 'Hey, Slovane"'.
And here I am.
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00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:48,136
- Well, you can be sure of a long stay!
They took me in
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just for trumping a king at cards
and saying:
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"Bang goes the king, just like
in Sarajevo."
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- This looks like ten years
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00:10:55,287 --> 00:10:56,914
for each of us.
- But why me?!
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I have a stationer's shop!
- I'm innocent, Mister!
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00:11:00,259 --> 00:11:01,692
I'm innocent!
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00:11:01,894 --> 00:11:04,988
- So was Jesus Christ,
and they crucified him for all that!
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00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,155
Well, nobody has ever anywhere
at anytime,
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00:11:07,266 --> 00:11:08,733
cared a damn whether a man's innocent or not
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00:11:08,801 --> 00:11:10,291
- That's true.
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00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:11,802
- I am not Jesus Christ,
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00:11:11,904 --> 00:11:14,805
I'm really innocent!
- Quiet, now!
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00:11:14,907 --> 00:11:17,307
- Please, Mister,
you have such a kind look on you face,
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00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,970
tell them I'm innocent!
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00:11:20,579 --> 00:11:24,015
- Quiet, please!
I'm preparing a lecture!
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00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:27,614
- I am innocent!
- Come on...
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00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,211
- And why do you happen to be here?
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00:11:29,655 --> 00:11:32,522
- Leave me alone,
you good-for-nothings.
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00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:35,256
With you, I could only get into trouble.
188
00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:38,463
- This gent is here for attempted murder
only.
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00:11:38,664 --> 00:11:40,359
He tried to murder an old man
from Holice.
190
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:45,295
- Now I'm here, too!
- I felt sure the gentleman
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00:11:45,404 --> 00:11:49,966
would keep his word. It's nice to know
you can rely on people.
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00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:52,234
- I don't give a damn!
193
00:11:54,013 --> 00:11:57,176
- Well, I think I'll go mad!
We are really in prison!
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00:11:57,516 --> 00:12:00,485
- It used to be much worse, you know.
In the old days, the accused had
195
00:12:00,586 --> 00:12:02,781
to walk over glowing hot iron...
- U ou don't say!
196
00:12:04,023 --> 00:12:05,490
...and they made them drink
melted lead!
197
00:12:05,591 --> 00:12:08,560
- For God's sake!
- Today, it's a real pleasure!
198
00:12:09,862 --> 00:12:12,956
We have bunks, and a table,
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00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:16,295
and the toilet is right under our noses.
- U es.
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00:12:17,002 --> 00:12:20,563
- Conditions have certainly improved!
To our benefit.
201
00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:23,839
- Schweik Joseph!
Come up for examination!
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00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:25,638
- Excuse me.
203
00:12:29,181 --> 00:12:31,547
- But I didn't say
anything like that!
204
00:12:39,391 --> 00:12:41,256
- How often are you going to spit,
man?
205
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:42,993
- Well, as a matter of fact,
I don't feel like it,
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00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:44,528
but I'm trying to do as the regulations
tell me to.
207
00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:46,495
- Ha. I'm sure...
- That notice over there says...
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00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:52,170
...some at the "Flagon".
209
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,933
- Good evening,
gentlemen, I hope you're all well!
210
00:13:05,151 --> 00:13:07,415
- Take that idiotic expression
off your face!
211
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:09,480
- I can't help it!
212
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,090
I was discharged from the army
on account of being feeble minded.
213
00:13:12,558 --> 00:13:14,048
I'm feeble minded officially, please.
214
00:13:14,193 --> 00:13:16,821
- The offences you have committed show,
215
00:13:16,896 --> 00:13:18,693
that you have got all your wits
about you!
216
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,463
Insulting his Royal Highness,
approval of the murder of the Archduke,
217
00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:30,241
making fun of the State Mourning,
inciting rebellion...
218
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,777
Why are you sticking your nose
into my papers?!
219
00:13:33,045 --> 00:13:34,979
- I only wanted to know
whether anything has been left out!
220
00:13:36,682 --> 00:13:38,445
- What have you got to say for yourself?
221
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,883
- There's a lot of it. U ou know,
you can have too much of a good thing.
222
00:13:41,053 --> 00:13:43,248
- So you admit it's true?
223
00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:46,688
- I admit everything.
U ou've got to be strict!
224
00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:50,188
- Who do you keep company with?
- My charwoman, Sir.
225
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:54,991
- And you don't know anybody
in political circles here?
226
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:59,030
- Of course I do,
I buy the "National Politics" regularly,
227
00:13:59,438 --> 00:14:01,633
because of the ads, you know,
in case someone looks for a lost dog...
228
00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:03,298
- Shut your trap!
229
00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:05,808
Do you admit everything?
230
00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:08,538
- If you wish me to admit me everything,
231
00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:12,378
I shall admit it.
Sir, but if you tell me:
232
00:14:12,451 --> 00:14:14,043
"Schweik, don't you admit anything!"
233
00:14:15,054 --> 00:14:17,716
Then I shall argue the point
till the end of my days.
234
00:14:21,293 --> 00:14:22,817
- Sign here!
235
00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:47,285
- Just a moment!
I forgot the full stop.
236
00:14:49,088 --> 00:14:50,988
Is there anything else for me to sign?
237
00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:54,459
- U ou'll be taken
to the Criminal Court in the morning.
238
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,954
- And at what time, Sir?
I would not like to oversleep,
239
00:14:57,096 --> 00:14:59,690
whatever happens!
- Get out!
240
00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:03,296
- Well, I only wanted
to avoid causing a delay...
241
00:15:19,351 --> 00:15:21,114
So what?
How?
242
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:26,681
- I just confessed
243
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:30,695
that I probably killed Archduke
Ferdinand.
244
00:15:31,697 --> 00:15:33,187
- Welcome.
245
00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:36,367
CRIMINAL COURT
This golden gate,
246
00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:38,561
is open today,
247
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:42,639
Who walks in,will lose his head,
248
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,637
This golden gate is open today,
249
00:15:44,910 --> 00:15:46,605
who walks in, will lose his head...
250
00:15:47,746 --> 00:15:49,213
- Good day.
251
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,010
- Sit down.
252
00:16:00,259 --> 00:16:02,193
So you are Mr. Schweik?
253
00:16:02,761 --> 00:16:05,161
- I think I must be,
254
00:16:05,864 --> 00:16:08,162
because my dad was called Schweik
255
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:10,435
and my mother was Mrs. Schweik.
256
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:13,229
- This is a fine business
you've been up to...
257
00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:16,266
U ou've got plenty on your conscience!
258
00:16:16,508 --> 00:16:19,204
- I've always got plenty
on my conscience.
259
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,975
I'll bet I've got more on my conscience
than what you have, Sir.
260
00:16:25,451 --> 00:16:27,817
- I can see that
from the statement you signed.
261
00:16:28,954 --> 00:16:30,421
Well...
262
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:35,157
Did they bring any pressure to bear
on you at Police Headquarters?
263
00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:37,724
- Not a bit of it, Sir!
264
00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:41,523
When they told me to sign,
I just did what they told me to.
265
00:16:42,401 --> 00:16:45,632
I'm not going to quarrel with them
over my own signature.
266
00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:48,335
I shouldn't be doing myself
any good that way!
267
00:16:48,607 --> 00:16:51,804
- Do you feel quite well,
Mr. Schweik?
268
00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:55,841
- I wouldn't say quite well,
U our Honor.
269
00:16:56,382 --> 00:17:00,011
I've got rheumatism
and I'm using embrocation for it.
270
00:17:00,252 --> 00:17:03,619
When the weather is about to change,
it hurts something awful!
271
00:17:07,292 --> 00:17:08,850
Do you hear how my joints creak?
272
00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:12,892
- Do sit down again!
273
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:17,591
What do you say, Mr. Schweik,
274
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:22,703
if we were to have you examined
by the medical authorities?
275
00:17:24,076 --> 00:17:26,044
- There was one doctor,
who examined me already
276
00:17:26,145 --> 00:17:30,377
at Police Headquarters,
to see if I had V.D.
277
00:17:32,317 --> 00:17:34,683
Well... you know, Mr. Schweik,
278
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,955
I think we shall try the medical board.
279
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:41,617
U ou'll have a nice rest,
won't you?
280
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,559
One more question.
281
00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:47,831
U ou are supposed to have said,
282
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:52,161
that war is going to break out soon.
283
00:17:52,471 --> 00:17:55,269
- U es, U our Honor.
It will break out any moment now.
284
00:17:55,974 --> 00:17:57,771
- Don't you think
you could be wrong?
285
00:17:58,177 --> 00:17:59,667
- I hope not,
286
00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:02,575
after all, it's already written down
in my statement, U our Honor.
287
00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:05,283
- So you know it for sure?
288
00:18:05,384 --> 00:18:08,410
- Anybody may be wrong,
289
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:11,722
an educated man as well
as an illiterate fool.
290
00:18:12,224 --> 00:18:13,953
Even ministers are wrong sometimes.
291
00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:18,829
- Don't you ever feel
run down at all?
292
00:18:19,364 --> 00:18:20,888
- No, U our Honor,
293
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:24,229
except that I once got nearly run down
by a motor car,
294
00:18:24,703 --> 00:18:27,399
on Charles' Square.
But that's years ago.
295
00:18:28,373 --> 00:18:31,365
- That's quite enough.
U ou may go now.
296
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:36,578
- Thanks very much, U our Honor,
I'm very pleased to have met you!
297
00:18:50,496 --> 00:18:55,490
Gentlemen, long live
our Emperor Franz Joseph the First!
298
00:18:57,202 --> 00:18:58,999
- The case is quite clear.
299
00:18:59,505 --> 00:19:00,995
Any further examinations
are quite unnecessary.
300
00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:04,137
- But we shall have to comply
with the law!
301
00:19:09,948 --> 00:19:11,415
- Take five steps!
302
00:19:25,197 --> 00:19:27,722
I've told you to take five steps only!
303
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:30,358
- A few steps more or less
won't kill me.
304
00:19:38,810 --> 00:19:41,540
And I did not complain of anything
having fallen in my eye.
305
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,916
- Show us your teeth!
Better, man, better!
306
00:19:47,386 --> 00:19:49,115
- This is how a Danish hound
would do it, gentlemen!
307
00:19:49,555 --> 00:19:50,954
- Sit down!
308
00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:54,882
Cross your feet!
309
00:19:55,827 --> 00:19:57,692
Not this way, at leisure!
310
00:20:05,904 --> 00:20:08,168
- Tell us quickly, could you
measure the diameter of the globe?
311
00:20:08,507 --> 00:20:10,907
- Tell us quickly!
Is radium heavier than lead?
312
00:20:11,009 --> 00:20:12,499
- I've never weighed it, Sir.
313
00:20:12,644 --> 00:20:15,545
- Listen, you can sing?
314
00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:18,748
Could you sing a song for us?
315
00:20:19,351 --> 00:20:20,750
- Of course, gentlemen.
316
00:20:21,253 --> 00:20:22,686
I have neither voice nor ear,
317
00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:26,056
but I shall do it to please you,
if you want to have some fun.
318
00:20:30,329 --> 00:20:34,425
Oh, the monk
319
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:38,502
in the armchair yonder,
320
00:20:39,304 --> 00:20:42,762
in his hand
321
00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:47,441
he bows his head...
322
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:50,373
That's all I know,
but then,
323
00:20:50,482 --> 00:20:54,111
I know some folksongs, like:
"God save our Emperor"
324
00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:58,990
and "When we went into the war..."
and then some hymns...
325
00:20:59,124 --> 00:21:01,092
- I believe
that's quite enough.
326
00:21:01,293 --> 00:21:02,920
- One more question,
327
00:21:03,028 --> 00:21:04,495
professor.
- Of course, please yourself.
328
00:21:04,630 --> 00:21:06,257
- Dear colleague, I believe...
- No, no!
329
00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:07,888
I insist on this question!
330
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,195
Tell me, how much is
331
00:21:10,402 --> 00:21:13,667
12897 times
332
00:21:14,306 --> 00:21:16,240
13863?
333
00:21:16,408 --> 00:21:17,841
- 729.
334
00:21:27,019 --> 00:21:29,249
- Let's write down
our findings.
335
00:21:31,223 --> 00:21:32,952
The undersigned medical authorities,
336
00:21:33,825 --> 00:21:38,319
agree on the complete insanity
of Joseph Schweik,
337
00:21:38,830 --> 00:21:40,593
who expresses himself in terms such as
338
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:44,296
"Long live our Emperor Franz Joseph
the First!"...a remark,
339
00:21:45,203 --> 00:21:47,797
which completely suffices
340
00:21:48,373 --> 00:21:49,806
to demonstrate
341
00:21:50,208 --> 00:21:53,507
Schweik's mind to be that
342
00:21:54,012 --> 00:21:56,913
of an obvious imbecile.
343
00:21:57,449 --> 00:21:59,440
The undersigned medical authorities
344
00:21:59,518 --> 00:22:01,281
thus return the examined Joseph Schweik
345
00:22:01,620 --> 00:22:04,111
to the responsible authorities.
346
00:22:40,926 --> 00:22:43,895
That's the Emperor's proclamation
to say, that war has been declared!
347
00:22:46,231 --> 00:22:47,755
- I saw it coming,
348
00:22:48,233 --> 00:22:49,996
but in the Asylum they don't know
anything about it yet,
349
00:22:50,135 --> 00:22:52,569
although they should be the first
to get it.
350
00:22:53,338 --> 00:22:54,805
- What do you mean by this?
351
00:22:56,341 --> 00:22:59,742
- Because they've got
a lot of army officers locked up there.
352
00:22:59,978 --> 00:23:01,377
- Aha. Right.
353
00:23:01,546 --> 00:23:04,709
- Long live the Emperor Franz Joseph!
354
00:23:05,183 --> 00:23:06,810
We'll win this war!
355
00:23:23,702 --> 00:23:27,160
- That's enough.
No trouble now! Just disperse quietly!
356
00:23:29,775 --> 00:23:31,970
Gentlemen, I can see it
quite clearly.
357
00:23:32,611 --> 00:23:35,375
We're absolutely bound to win this war!
358
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:42,242
- I'm extremely sorry
that you've fallen into our hands again.
359
00:23:43,321 --> 00:23:46,984
We thought you'd turn over a new leaf,
but we seem to have been mistaken!
360
00:23:47,659 --> 00:23:49,286
Tell me, Mr. Schweik, who was it
that induced you
361
00:23:49,461 --> 00:23:51,326
to indulge in such silly tricks?!
362
00:23:52,097 --> 00:23:54,065
- I don't know what silly tricks
you mean!
363
00:23:54,166 --> 00:23:58,694
- Well, isn't it a silly trick
to cause a crowd to collect
364
00:23:59,638 --> 00:24:03,199
and incite them by shouting:
"Long live the Emperor Franz Joseph,
365
00:24:03,708 --> 00:24:05,539
we'll win this war!"?
366
00:24:05,744 --> 00:24:09,202
- It fairly riled me to see them
all reading the Royal proclamation
367
00:24:09,314 --> 00:24:11,111
and not showing any pleasure about it
at all,
368
00:24:11,416 --> 00:24:14,249
nobody shouted Hooray or called
for cheers!
369
00:24:15,153 --> 00:24:18,486
So I, being an old soldier,
had to shout these words!
370
00:24:19,624 --> 00:24:21,819
And I think, that if you'd been
in my place,
371
00:24:21,893 --> 00:24:23,520
you'd have done just the same.
372
00:24:24,095 --> 00:24:27,587
If there's a war, it's got to be won.
Nobody is going to talk me out of that!
373
00:24:28,934 --> 00:24:30,959
- I thoroughly appreciate
your enthusiasm,
374
00:24:31,536 --> 00:24:33,663
but the fact that you were
under police escort
375
00:24:34,339 --> 00:24:36,466
must have made a rather
ironic impression...
376
00:24:37,976 --> 00:24:39,705
- When a man is being run in
by a police officer,
377
00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:42,780
it is a critical moment in his life.
378
00:24:42,881 --> 00:24:44,371
And, if at such a moment,
379
00:24:44,449 --> 00:24:46,314
a man does not forget to do
the proper thing,
380
00:24:47,085 --> 00:24:48,950
that is not a bad thing at all.
381
00:24:49,087 --> 00:24:52,147
- Go to blazes, Schweik!
382
00:24:53,458 --> 00:24:55,926
But if we ever meet here again,
383
00:24:56,461 --> 00:25:01,364
you will go straight before
a Court Martial! Is that clear?
384
00:25:01,867 --> 00:25:04,199
- God bless you for everything
you have done!
385
00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:06,767
And if you'd like a thoroughbred dog
at any time,
386
00:25:06,872 --> 00:25:08,339
just call on me,
387
00:25:08,406 --> 00:25:10,772
I deal in dogs.
- Get out!
388
00:25:21,486 --> 00:25:23,818
I don't believe him anyway.
Go on, tell us, inspector,
389
00:25:23,889 --> 00:25:27,222
How can a lout like him be interested
in Austria winning the war?
390
00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:30,757
- Well, in any case,
don't let him get out of sight!
391
00:25:31,796 --> 00:25:32,922
As you wish...
U ou know what?
392
00:25:33,064 --> 00:25:34,656
We'll try to take him unawares!
393
00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:41,529
- Well,
U es, yes, yes, yes, yes!
394
00:25:43,575 --> 00:25:45,566
Good day.
- Good day.
395
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:49,913
- Well, here I am, back again.
396
00:25:51,850 --> 00:25:53,340
But where is Mr. Palivec?
397
00:25:53,852 --> 00:25:57,515
- They gave him...
...ten years...
398
00:26:00,592 --> 00:26:02,492
a week... ago.
399
00:26:03,028 --> 00:26:04,586
- Fancy that now...
400
00:26:05,030 --> 00:26:07,260
then he has already served
seven days of it.
401
00:26:09,067 --> 00:26:12,901
- And he was that cautious...
402
00:26:13,338 --> 00:26:17,138
- Caution is the mother of wisdom.
403
00:26:18,143 --> 00:26:19,576
Well, let me have a large rum!
404
00:26:22,614 --> 00:26:25,105
- And the sausages,
Mrs. Palivec?
405
00:26:25,850 --> 00:26:27,442
- I'm getting them right away.
406
00:26:36,461 --> 00:26:37,894
- Good day.
407
00:26:57,048 --> 00:26:59,608
- Fancy that, a man called Cimpera,
408
00:27:00,652 --> 00:27:02,643
Straskov No.6,
409
00:27:03,722 --> 00:27:08,386
is selling a farm with 13 acres
of fields,
410
00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:12,320
situated close to school and railway...
411
00:27:13,898 --> 00:27:15,889
- I am surprised to find that you are
interested in farming, Mr. Schweik.
412
00:27:17,068 --> 00:27:18,501
- Oh, it's you, is it?
413
00:27:18,770 --> 00:27:20,260
I didn't recognize you!
414
00:27:20,338 --> 00:27:22,704
- I came here today on your account.
- Well, let's go then.
415
00:27:23,074 --> 00:27:24,473
- Stay where you are!
416
00:27:26,111 --> 00:27:28,739
All I want is a dog.
417
00:27:29,014 --> 00:27:30,504
- That I can get for you!
418
00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:33,614
- Oh God...!
419
00:27:34,853 --> 00:27:37,287
Help me, I'm so unhappy!
420
00:27:38,356 --> 00:27:41,120
What have I ever done to anybody?
421
00:27:41,860 --> 00:27:45,091
- Don't cry, woman!
In three months, we'll have won the war,
422
00:27:45,597 --> 00:27:47,531
there will be an amnesty
and your husband will come home!
423
00:27:47,999 --> 00:27:49,933
- And will that help me?
424
00:27:50,669 --> 00:27:53,399
Here I have hot sausages
and all the customers went away!
425
00:27:55,306 --> 00:27:57,570
Why do you keep coming here?
426
00:27:58,043 --> 00:27:59,908
U ou will ruin me.
427
00:28:02,814 --> 00:28:04,475
- Well, leave them here,
I'll pay for them!
428
00:28:07,752 --> 00:28:10,312
And a bottle of wine,
I want to spend some real money today!
429
00:28:14,492 --> 00:28:17,427
- Wouldn't you like a police dog?
I know a man who's got one.
430
00:28:17,829 --> 00:28:19,854
- U ou know,
all I'm concerned about is his size.
431
00:28:20,165 --> 00:28:21,598
- The one I'm talking about
is about this size...
432
00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:24,430
- Oh, no!
I'd like a ratter.
433
00:28:24,703 --> 00:28:26,364
Quite a small one... a cheap one.
434
00:28:26,705 --> 00:28:27,637
- A ratter is no calf.
435
00:28:27,739 --> 00:28:29,400
The smaller they are,
the more they cost!
436
00:28:29,541 --> 00:28:31,008
- Well, in that case...
...a bigger one will do.
437
00:28:31,776 --> 00:28:35,177
- I'll have to ask you
for an advance of 30 crowns,
438
00:28:35,780 --> 00:28:39,580
and I'll get you a dog that will make
everybody's head turn round.
439
00:28:39,651 --> 00:28:42,552
- 30 crowns?
Well...
440
00:28:43,455 --> 00:28:45,753
Here they are.
And let's have a drink on the bargain!
441
00:28:45,857 --> 00:28:48,451
- One more, please!
- What's wrong?
442
00:28:49,194 --> 00:28:50,889
- Well, you have to pay for having fun!
443
00:28:51,496 --> 00:28:54,363
- Today you don't have to be afraid
of me, I'm not on duty
444
00:28:59,938 --> 00:29:03,305
and you can say whatever you like
about politics!
445
00:29:04,776 --> 00:29:06,437
- I don't discuss things like that
in a pub.
446
00:29:07,212 --> 00:29:09,772
Anyway, all politics are for children.
- U ou think so?
447
00:29:10,181 --> 00:29:12,775
Of course, yes,
or for such fools
448
00:29:12,884 --> 00:29:15,944
as Franz Joseph.
Hahahaha...
449
00:29:18,123 --> 00:29:21,320
Come here, friend! ...U ou do like me,
don't you?
450
00:29:22,293 --> 00:29:23,783
- Look here, friend,
give me some advice,
451
00:29:24,028 --> 00:29:25,620
I want to register with the Anarchists.
452
00:29:26,030 --> 00:29:29,022
Why not, what do you say to that?
U es. And all that... Look, look, look...
453
00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:30,833
Come here and take this!
Take this!
454
00:29:33,738 --> 00:29:35,205
Call me by my first name,
will you?
455
00:29:42,747 --> 00:29:47,684
- "What every good citizen earns,
456
00:29:49,687 --> 00:29:54,647
the state takes away from him!"
457
00:29:56,027 --> 00:29:57,494
- Don't be silly!
458
00:29:58,062 --> 00:30:00,587
Someone will come and you'll have
difficulties...
459
00:30:00,932 --> 00:30:02,763
U ou get all sorts today!
Look, Bohous,
460
00:30:04,469 --> 00:30:06,835
what about that ratter,
where do I deliver him?
461
00:30:07,105 --> 00:30:09,005
Ratter?
What ratter?
462
00:30:10,108 --> 00:30:11,575
Oh, the ratter!
463
00:30:13,044 --> 00:30:15,945
Bohous... Pepik...
Don't worry about ratters,
464
00:30:16,481 --> 00:30:18,449
U ou know, I shall come
and get the ratter...
465
00:30:20,652 --> 00:30:22,119
personally...
466
00:30:26,057 --> 00:30:28,958
- Good afternoon! Mr. Schweik!
- Good afternoon.
467
00:30:32,063 --> 00:30:35,965
Good afternoon.
So I'm back again, Mrs. Muller!
468
00:30:36,034 --> 00:30:38,935
- For Christ's sake,
Mr. Schweik, so you're alive?
469
00:30:39,938 --> 00:30:42,736
Don't be cross with me,
I took a new lodger,
470
00:30:42,807 --> 00:30:46,140
he's a porter in a nightclub.
They searched your place three times.
471
00:30:46,644 --> 00:30:49,841
Everybody said you are a lost cause,
because you are such a card!
472
00:31:05,663 --> 00:31:09,793
- Look here, boss,
get up,
473
00:31:11,302 --> 00:31:12,735
or you'll be late!
474
00:31:13,805 --> 00:31:16,365
- Get out!
475
00:31:16,507 --> 00:31:19,237
- I'd be very sorry if you'd have
to state to your company commander
476
00:31:19,777 --> 00:31:22,041
that it was my fault you overslept
the mobilization.
477
00:31:23,481 --> 00:31:25,142
See for yourself,
here it is,
478
00:31:26,784 --> 00:31:28,251
there's a war on!
479
00:31:29,454 --> 00:31:31,012
- What sort of stupid joke
is this?
480
00:31:31,856 --> 00:31:33,323
- War!
481
00:31:34,425 --> 00:31:37,223
- And I wanted to sleep
till eight in the evening.
482
00:31:38,730 --> 00:31:40,721
Marena, get up!
483
00:31:41,566 --> 00:31:46,503
- Hello, hello.
484
00:32:12,664 --> 00:32:14,154
They're taking them to the station now.
485
00:32:16,067 --> 00:32:20,003
- Luis, I won't let you go!
486
00:32:20,738 --> 00:32:23,298
Christ, you are such a big chunk
of a fellow,
487
00:32:23,508 --> 00:32:26,500
they'll hit you in no time!
488
00:32:26,844 --> 00:32:28,573
- Marena, damn you,
don't be silly!
489
00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:30,945
I've been working in a nightclub
for ten years...
490
00:32:31,249 --> 00:32:33,979
A silly war can have no surprises
for me!
491
00:32:34,319 --> 00:32:35,843
Let's go!
492
00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:47,893
- The Emperor declared war
493
00:32:48,967 --> 00:32:51,026
and asked everybody to join...
494
00:32:51,135 --> 00:32:53,069
- Mrs. Muller!
495
00:32:54,739 --> 00:32:56,206
Mrs. Muller!
496
00:32:57,742 --> 00:33:00,734
- U es, Mr. Schweik?
Is your rheumatism worse again?
497
00:33:02,413 --> 00:33:05,041
- Hand me my army cap
from the wardrobe!
498
00:33:31,576 --> 00:33:33,009
I'm going to join the army!
499
00:33:33,111 --> 00:33:34,908
- Gracious me...
And what are you going to do there?
500
00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:36,913
- Fight!
501
00:33:37,949 --> 00:33:40,918
Austria's in a bad way,
that's why they are calling me up.
502
00:33:42,086 --> 00:33:44,486
Even our evening paper admits now,
that our dear fatherland is threatened
503
00:33:45,990 --> 00:33:48,891
by dark clouds.
- Clouds can move, can't they!
504
00:33:49,694 --> 00:33:51,889
- It doesn't matter, Mrs. Muller,
I'll join the army in a Bath chair!
505
00:33:52,864 --> 00:33:55,230
The confectioner around the corner
has just the thing I want.
506
00:33:55,333 --> 00:33:57,665
U ears ago, he used to wheel his lame,
wicked grandfather in it.
507
00:33:57,769 --> 00:33:59,236
- But, Mr. Schweik...!
508
00:33:59,771 --> 00:34:01,432
- Get that wheel chair
509
00:34:02,140 --> 00:34:05,268
and push me to the war!
510
00:34:11,949 --> 00:34:15,817
To Belgrade!
To Belgrade!
511
00:34:22,060 --> 00:34:25,188
- Look, people, how funny.
A lame man going to enlist!
512
00:34:25,396 --> 00:34:26,795
- They're going to win, aren't they...
513
00:34:41,879 --> 00:34:43,369
- To Belgrade!
514
00:34:51,122 --> 00:34:54,853
U ou are wrong, I have it here,
written out quite clearly!
515
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:59,389
- To appear before the authorities,
clean, tidy
516
00:34:59,497 --> 00:35:02,796
and in a sober state...
517
00:35:02,900 --> 00:35:04,697
What is there to laugh about?!
- As you can see,
518
00:35:04,769 --> 00:35:06,532
my dear policeman,
519
00:35:06,671 --> 00:35:08,400
I'm really going to join up!
520
00:35:09,540 --> 00:35:13,169
For the Emperor
and his family!
521
00:35:33,931 --> 00:35:35,455
- He's a heroic soldier!
522
00:35:36,067 --> 00:35:37,591
- Escort this man
to the local Army Headquarters!
523
00:35:37,702 --> 00:35:40,034
- Let me pass!
Let me pass!
524
00:35:40,238 --> 00:35:42,900
I know this gent from "Free Mind"!
525
00:35:43,574 --> 00:35:45,201
Long live the Serbians, our brothers!
Don't you agree?
526
00:35:45,409 --> 00:35:48,674
Hip hip...
Hooray!
527
00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:51,513
- People,
that's a secret policeman!
528
00:35:53,217 --> 00:35:54,650
- He's trying to provoke us!
529
00:36:21,712 --> 00:36:23,339
- Das ganze
tschechische Volk
530
00:36:23,514 --> 00:36:25,607
ist eine simulanten Bande!
531
00:36:27,618 --> 00:36:29,085
How many people are to appear
before the Board today?
532
00:36:29,687 --> 00:36:31,177
- 550.
533
00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:35,849
- And how many should be drafted?
- 550.
534
00:36:36,060 --> 00:36:38,722
- Well, get them here, quick!
535
00:36:45,069 --> 00:36:47,230
Halasek Joseph, baker.
536
00:36:52,777 --> 00:36:56,736
- One hundred and sixty.
- Tauglich!
537
00:36:56,814 --> 00:36:59,374
- Kocicka Vaclav - waiter.
538
00:37:00,618 --> 00:37:02,108
- Tauglich!
539
00:37:02,186 --> 00:37:04,450
- Hrdina Borivoj - teacher.
540
00:37:05,423 --> 00:37:06,913
- Tauglich!
541
00:37:10,027 --> 00:37:11,460
Take that malingerer away!
542
00:37:15,499 --> 00:37:16,932
Waiter!
543
00:37:17,034 --> 00:37:20,526
- Schweik Joseph!
- Here!
544
00:37:34,852 --> 00:37:37,013
- Superarbitrated on account
of being feeble minded.
545
00:37:38,289 --> 00:37:40,621
- And what else is wrong with you?
546
00:37:41,425 --> 00:37:43,393
- Beg to report, Sir,
I've got rheumatism,
547
00:37:43,995 --> 00:37:47,328
but I'll serve the Emperor
till I'm hacked to pieces.
548
00:37:47,765 --> 00:37:49,255
- Sie sind ein Simulant!
549
00:37:50,134 --> 00:37:51,965
Arrest that man immediately,
550
00:37:58,376 --> 00:38:01,812
and take him to Dr. Grunstein,
551
00:38:02,947 --> 00:38:05,438
he cures every single one for them!
552
00:38:07,151 --> 00:38:09,483
- Doctor's round!
- Doctor's round!
553
00:38:09,587 --> 00:38:11,987
- Out of bed!
Doctor Grunstein.
554
00:38:13,624 --> 00:38:15,182
Out!
555
00:38:26,070 --> 00:38:27,594
Macuna.
Asthma.
556
00:38:27,738 --> 00:38:30,138
- Enema and aspirin.
557
00:38:32,610 --> 00:38:34,100
- Kotatko - deaf and dumb.
558
00:38:34,178 --> 00:38:35,611
- Have you been like that since birth?
559
00:38:37,782 --> 00:38:40,910
Wash his stomach out and quinine!
560
00:38:42,420 --> 00:38:44,217
- Pokorny - tuberculosis.
561
00:38:45,856 --> 00:38:48,222
- Double enema!
562
00:38:51,228 --> 00:38:53,492
- Schweik.
- Here!
563
00:38:54,465 --> 00:38:55,932
- No diagnosis as yet.
564
00:38:56,767 --> 00:38:59,361
- What's wrong with you then?
565
00:38:59,804 --> 00:39:01,863
- I obediently report
that I've got rheumatism.
566
00:39:01,939 --> 00:39:06,501
- Oh, what a coincidence, getting
rheumatism when there's a world war
567
00:39:06,911 --> 00:39:08,572
and you're supposed to fight...!
568
00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:12,345
U ou must be cursing your luck!
569
00:39:12,416 --> 00:39:16,580
- I obediently report, oberarzt,
that I'm cursing my luck!
570
00:39:16,654 --> 00:39:19,122
- Hm.
And do your knees hurt?
571
00:39:19,790 --> 00:39:21,257
- I obediently report that they hurt.
572
00:39:21,425 --> 00:39:25,122
- Well, we'll treat you here
better than in Pistany!
573
00:39:25,463 --> 00:39:28,990
And you'll be marching to the front
as fast as your legs can carry you!
574
00:39:29,266 --> 00:39:32,064
Write this down!
Complete diet,
575
00:39:32,136 --> 00:39:36,800
wash his stomach out once a day
and an enema once a day!
576
00:39:36,907 --> 00:39:39,205
A proper one!
577
00:39:39,310 --> 00:39:44,247
Until he begs all the saints
for the rheumatism to get up and go!
578
00:39:51,856 --> 00:39:53,323
Right, now...
579
00:39:54,258 --> 00:39:57,785
...now I'm going to give you
some medicine.
580
00:40:12,343 --> 00:40:13,867
Drink that immediately!
581
00:40:24,688 --> 00:40:26,280
- God save our souls...!
582
00:40:33,531 --> 00:40:36,762
- I am not going to examine you,
you bums!
583
00:40:37,168 --> 00:40:40,262
I know you are all malingerers
who want to shirk the army.
584
00:40:41,739 --> 00:40:44,799
Don't think me an utter fool!
585
00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:48,871
Those beds have accommodated
whole swarms of men,
586
00:40:48,979 --> 00:40:51,880
who had nothing wrong with them except
a lack of military spirit!
587
00:40:51,982 --> 00:40:55,850
I cured all of them with my enemas.
588
00:40:57,087 --> 00:41:01,285
In twenty years to come,
you'll still scream in your sleep
589
00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:03,051
when you dream
590
00:41:03,127 --> 00:41:08,030
you're trying to swing the lead
on Doctor Grunstein!
591
00:41:09,166 --> 00:41:10,599
- Beg to report, Sir,
592
00:41:10,701 --> 00:41:12,362
my ability to speak and my hearing
seem to be returning.
593
00:41:13,537 --> 00:41:15,334
- Good,
594
00:41:15,406 --> 00:41:18,898
but you'll have your enema
before you go,
595
00:41:19,510 --> 00:41:22,673
so you can't complain
we didn't cure you here!
596
00:41:33,023 --> 00:41:35,821
- The most sacred emotions
were touchingly demonstrated
597
00:41:35,926 --> 00:41:38,520
by a cripple,
who was being wheeled along
598
00:41:38,629 --> 00:41:40,529
in a Bath chair by an old woman.
599
00:41:40,898 --> 00:41:44,629
"To Belgrade!", shouted
this worthy son of the Czech nation,
600
00:41:44,935 --> 00:41:47,233
who enlisted in the army,
601
00:41:47,571 --> 00:41:50,665
in order to prove his fidelity
to the Emperor.
602
00:41:51,141 --> 00:41:54,872
This man is prepared to give his life
and possessions for his monarch.
603
00:41:55,179 --> 00:41:57,079
- Genug, ma chere!
Genug!
604
00:41:57,314 --> 00:42:00,044
- As U our Excellency,
the Baroness, commands.
605
00:42:00,584 --> 00:42:02,142
It goes no further anyway.
606
00:42:09,059 --> 00:42:10,890
- Ach, mein Gemahl,
607
00:42:11,295 --> 00:42:14,787
the general von Botzenheim,
he used to say:
608
00:42:15,199 --> 00:42:18,259
A Czech soldier,
always a good soldier!
609
00:42:19,670 --> 00:42:21,297
Johann!
610
00:42:22,907 --> 00:42:27,503
We must go to the hospital immediately,
to find this heroic soldier!
611
00:42:35,719 --> 00:42:37,710
It's no good coming here
with rheumatism!
612
00:42:38,255 --> 00:42:40,120
This stands as much chance here
as corns!
613
00:42:40,858 --> 00:42:44,157
I have only half a stomach
and nobody believes me anyway!
614
00:42:45,262 --> 00:42:48,390
The best thing is to have petrol
injected under the skin!
615
00:42:48,899 --> 00:42:49,866
That gives you an elevated temperature,
which makes you want
616
00:42:49,967 --> 00:42:51,434
to jump out of the window!
617
00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:55,130
- Jesus,
618
00:42:55,205 --> 00:42:57,935
I'm hungry!
619
00:42:59,143 --> 00:43:01,611
I cant stand it any longer!
620
00:43:02,846 --> 00:43:04,643
- I had a dream today,
621
00:43:06,016 --> 00:43:08,849
that I was eating some lovely
dumplings.
622
00:43:09,353 --> 00:43:10,911
- Hot or cold?
623
00:43:12,056 --> 00:43:14,650
- Cold.
- That I couldn't,
624
00:43:15,993 --> 00:43:17,790
I prefer them hot,
625
00:43:18,696 --> 00:43:20,687
and a nice, golden brown color!
626
00:43:20,764 --> 00:43:24,200
- For God's sake, fellows,
stop talking about food!
627
00:43:24,702 --> 00:43:26,795
- Everybody to bed!
Did you hear me?
628
00:43:26,904 --> 00:43:28,064
Be quick about it! Get a move on!
629
00:43:28,172 --> 00:43:29,730
Some Archduchess is supposed
to come here!
630
00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:32,508
What are you waiting for?
For goodness' sake, lads!
631
00:43:32,843 --> 00:43:34,435
Hurry up!
632
00:43:35,079 --> 00:43:36,910
And don't dare to show your dirty feet,
you louts!
633
00:43:37,414 --> 00:43:39,609
No complaints either,
do you hear me?
634
00:43:40,084 --> 00:43:42,075
Who says a word will be strung up later!
635
00:43:42,786 --> 00:43:45,346
- I beg to report that I'd like to
welcome the Archduchess.
636
00:43:45,856 --> 00:43:48,848
I know a very nice welcoming address.
- Will you lie down!
637
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:51,485
- I obediently report
that I'm lying down.
638
00:44:00,871 --> 00:44:03,396
- Well, here is our dear Schweik.
639
00:44:07,411 --> 00:44:09,879
He's being very patient.
640
00:44:10,447 --> 00:44:14,975
A chair!
- Schweik, two enemas and a chair!
641
00:44:15,052 --> 00:44:17,953
- For the Baroness!
- An enema for the Baroness?
642
00:44:18,022 --> 00:44:20,422
- A chair!
- Oh, a chair!
643
00:44:20,924 --> 00:44:24,189
- A Czech soldier -
very good soldier!
644
00:44:25,029 --> 00:44:30,023
A crippled soldier,
I love a Czech Austrian.
645
00:44:30,768 --> 00:44:33,202
I've read everything in the papers!
646
00:44:37,441 --> 00:44:39,602
Johann! Come here!
647
00:44:44,548 --> 00:44:46,038
I've brought you something nice
to eat...
648
00:44:50,187 --> 00:44:52,655
...bite...
649
00:44:54,491 --> 00:44:56,322
...sip...
650
00:44:57,261 --> 00:44:59,229
...to smoke...
651
00:45:00,130 --> 00:45:02,462
and to drink.
652
00:45:03,167 --> 00:45:04,657
Read the inscription aloud!
653
00:45:05,235 --> 00:45:09,001
- Deutschmeisster,
liqueur for soldiers and civilians.
654
00:45:09,406 --> 00:45:11,738
Gott strafe England.
655
00:45:12,342 --> 00:45:14,139
- When in need...
656
00:45:15,779 --> 00:45:17,246
Pardon me, Madam,
657
00:45:17,548 --> 00:45:18,981
I wanted to say:
658
00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:23,816
"God bless you for all these gifts,
659
00:45:24,188 --> 00:45:25,655
amen!"
660
00:45:29,660 --> 00:45:31,719
- Look how the soldier
enjoys it all!
661
00:45:32,262 --> 00:45:35,754
I am sure he will be cured soon
and fit for the front!
662
00:45:35,966 --> 00:45:38,457
- Certainly, Baroness.
I won't keep him a day longer,
663
00:45:38,569 --> 00:45:40,161
than necessary!
664
00:46:37,861 --> 00:46:39,328
- I haven't smoked since heaven
knows when!
665
00:46:39,429 --> 00:46:40,896
Stop it! Don't be stupid!
Quiet now!
666
00:46:40,964 --> 00:46:45,162
- Here!
- Here!
667
00:46:48,839 --> 00:46:50,329
Habt acht!
Habt acht!
668
00:46:50,741 --> 00:46:52,299
Habt acht!
Habt acht!
669
00:47:02,319 --> 00:47:05,777
- So, you louts,
you don't appreciate my kindness!
670
00:47:06,390 --> 00:47:10,690
I pump your stomachs,
I give you enemas,
671
00:47:10,994 --> 00:47:14,452
and the moment I turn my back you
try to kill yourselves by overeating!
672
00:47:14,898 --> 00:47:17,230
All of them are to have their stomachs
pumped out, immediately!
673
00:47:19,303 --> 00:47:23,501
Do you know the Baroness?
674
00:47:23,874 --> 00:47:26,206
- She's my stepmother.
675
00:47:26,710 --> 00:47:28,769
She abandoned me
at a tender age
676
00:47:29,112 --> 00:47:30,511
and now she's found me again.
677
00:47:34,885 --> 00:47:39,083
- Give him another enema
and then send him straight to jail!
678
00:47:43,727 --> 00:47:45,695
- Don't spare me!
679
00:47:46,096 --> 00:47:48,929
The foundations of the Austrian Empire
are based on that enema
680
00:47:49,333 --> 00:47:51,528
and victory is sure to be ours!
681
00:48:34,811 --> 00:48:37,302
- Smell my fist,
you lout!
682
00:48:39,449 --> 00:48:42,247
- I wouldn't like to feel it
on my nose! It smells of graveyards!
683
00:48:43,086 --> 00:48:45,611
- Well, then, remember it,
you twerp!
684
00:48:59,970 --> 00:49:03,167
- Just a moment
I'm coming!
685
00:49:14,117 --> 00:49:17,382
- Now you'll see a good show!
The chaplain is usually drunk.
686
00:49:33,270 --> 00:49:35,397
- Habt acht!
687
00:49:36,340 --> 00:49:38,331
Everybody follow me in prayers.
688
00:49:38,942 --> 00:49:40,603
Repeat what I'll say.
689
00:49:43,146 --> 00:49:45,273
Which Sunday is it, anyway?
690
00:49:49,820 --> 00:49:51,754
I know it won't work!
691
00:49:52,589 --> 00:49:55,888
I am all for having you shot!
692
00:49:59,396 --> 00:50:02,763
I insist on it from this holy place,
you good - for - nothings,
693
00:50:02,866 --> 00:50:05,232
because you won't turn over
a new leaf
694
00:50:05,502 --> 00:50:09,700
and you want to continue on
the thorny road of a sinner!
695
00:50:12,909 --> 00:50:15,776
I ask you not to blow your nose here!
696
00:50:16,013 --> 00:50:18,413
We are not horses and neither are we
in a stable!
697
00:50:18,615 --> 00:50:22,642
Sergeant,
don't you notice anything?
698
00:50:23,487 --> 00:50:26,581
Remember, that you are soldiers
699
00:50:27,657 --> 00:50:30,217
and not blasted civilians!
700
00:50:31,561 --> 00:50:33,756
And that you must see
701
00:50:34,197 --> 00:50:37,098
through a dark cloud
702
00:50:37,567 --> 00:50:39,797
into the distant space!
703
00:50:41,271 --> 00:50:43,501
And know, that everything here
704
00:50:44,241 --> 00:50:46,209
lasts only
705
00:50:46,576 --> 00:50:48,009
for a short time.
706
00:50:48,412 --> 00:50:50,972
U es.
Well... where did I stop?
707
00:50:52,682 --> 00:50:55,845
God is merciful,
708
00:50:56,053 --> 00:50:58,317
but only towards decent people,
709
00:50:58,422 --> 00:51:02,756
and not for a gang of rotters,
who take no notice of God's laws
710
00:51:02,859 --> 00:51:04,884
and the army's regulations!
711
00:51:06,096 --> 00:51:08,087
U ou don't even know how to pray,
712
00:51:08,532 --> 00:51:11,365
and you think this some sort of a show
713
00:51:11,868 --> 00:51:13,358
or circus.
714
00:51:13,570 --> 00:51:15,731
Do you hear me,
you down there in your underclothes?
715
00:51:16,406 --> 00:51:19,136
- Beg to report, Sir,
we hear you!
716
00:51:19,443 --> 00:51:22,674
- Some day you'll remember me
717
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:25,913
and you'll know that I meant well!
718
00:51:31,121 --> 00:51:34,716
That man should serve you as an example!
719
00:51:34,925 --> 00:51:38,190
What is he doing?
He's crying!
720
00:51:39,463 --> 00:51:40,987
Don't cry!
721
00:51:41,098 --> 00:51:42,565
I tell you, stop it!
722
00:51:42,732 --> 00:51:45,166
Do you want to become a better man?
723
00:51:45,769 --> 00:51:48,829
That's not such an easy job,
my lad!
724
00:51:49,139 --> 00:51:51,869
U ou're crying now,
but when you get back to your cell,
725
00:51:52,075 --> 00:51:55,442
you'll be just as big a louse as before!
726
00:51:56,379 --> 00:51:58,870
I've finished, you loafers,
727
00:51:59,015 --> 00:52:03,418
and I want you to behave properly
during mass!
728
00:52:07,424 --> 00:52:09,085
And not like last time,
729
00:52:09,192 --> 00:52:12,286
when some of you fellows at the back
were swapping government linen for grub!
730
00:52:13,763 --> 00:52:15,287
At ease!
731
00:53:10,754 --> 00:53:12,312
So here you are!
732
00:53:12,455 --> 00:53:14,889
That's the first time
anyone has ever shed a tear
733
00:53:14,991 --> 00:53:16,458
in my church.
734
00:53:18,428 --> 00:53:20,157
Admit it, you blackguard,
735
00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:22,991
that you've cried only for fun!
736
00:53:23,400 --> 00:53:26,767
- I beg to report, Sir,
that I was really scamming.
737
00:53:27,237 --> 00:53:32,072
I saw that what your sermon needed
was the reformed sinner,
738
00:53:32,175 --> 00:53:33,733
so I tried to oblige.
739
00:53:34,077 --> 00:53:36,978
- I'm beginning to like you!
740
00:53:38,248 --> 00:53:39,681
What are you here for?
741
00:53:39,783 --> 00:53:42,308
- Beg to report, Sir,
I really don't know.
742
00:53:42,986 --> 00:53:44,783
I always mean well
743
00:53:44,888 --> 00:53:47,254
and it turns out badly.
744
00:53:47,891 --> 00:53:50,223
Just like the martyr in that picture.
745
00:53:53,363 --> 00:53:55,058
- I will ask the provost about you!
746
00:53:55,599 --> 00:53:57,032
Dismissed!
747
00:54:02,405 --> 00:54:03,838
Schweik isn't here!
748
00:54:04,808 --> 00:54:06,332
What the hell is in those shelves?
749
00:54:06,509 --> 00:54:09,171
If at least you had a bottle
in every drawer...
750
00:54:09,412 --> 00:54:11,004
We could drink them up in alphabetic
order.
751
00:54:12,349 --> 00:54:15,147
- There's such a mess
in those files, such a chaos.
752
00:54:18,088 --> 00:54:21,489
Hallo!
Provost Lieutenant Bernis speaking!
753
00:54:22,092 --> 00:54:24,322
Captain, I should like to know
whether you haven't got the file
754
00:54:24,427 --> 00:54:26,520
relating to a man called Schweik!
755
00:54:29,666 --> 00:54:31,133
I am supposed to have it?
756
00:54:32,569 --> 00:54:36,801
That's odd.
Excuse me.
757
00:54:39,042 --> 00:54:42,011
It's beginning to interest me too,
what's happening to this fellow Schweik!
758
00:54:42,412 --> 00:54:46,815
- Seek and ye shall find.
God's mercy is endless.
759
00:54:48,118 --> 00:54:49,813
What about cards, do you play?
760
00:54:50,887 --> 00:54:52,377
- Well,
I am out of luck lately!
761
00:54:53,657 --> 00:54:56,558
But I know a girl,
I tell you, she is a sweet bit!
762
00:54:57,127 --> 00:54:58,560
- Hey, I need a batman!
763
00:54:59,963 --> 00:55:02,955
- Well, here you are, here's Schweik!
And right on top of the file, too.
764
00:55:03,833 --> 00:55:06,233
I'm sorry, dear padre, this won't work.
- What did he do?
765
00:55:06,336 --> 00:55:08,998
- That I don't know, but look!
He's been executed.
766
00:55:09,706 --> 00:55:11,833
- Rubbish!
I've just been talking to him.
767
00:55:12,409 --> 00:55:14,468
- And what is he here for?
- He doesn't know himself.
768
00:55:14,944 --> 00:55:16,411
- That's what they all say!
769
00:55:17,013 --> 00:55:20,107
Richtig, richtig,
somebody mixed up the files.
770
00:55:21,151 --> 00:55:22,641
But what shall we do now?
- No, co...!
771
00:55:23,186 --> 00:55:25,450
Well, sentence someone else
on Schweik's files.
772
00:55:26,656 --> 00:55:28,123
- That will be difficult.
773
00:55:30,026 --> 00:55:33,291
- That's a pity.
Tomorrow, I'm having a party,
774
00:55:34,197 --> 00:55:37,530
there'll be drinks, and ladies too...
U ou will come, won't you?
775
00:55:40,904 --> 00:55:45,170
- Well, since it's you, dear padre,
you can have him!
776
00:56:59,149 --> 00:57:00,480
- Who do you keep greeting
all the time?
777
00:57:00,950 --> 00:57:02,417
- All these people
are acquaintances of mine.
778
00:57:02,552 --> 00:57:04,179
- Oh, you don't say?
Are you from Prague?
779
00:57:04,421 --> 00:57:06,389
- From Prague, yes.
- U ou won't give us the slip?
780
00:57:06,589 --> 00:57:07,991
- Of course he'd run away
at the first chance!
781
00:57:07,991 --> 00:57:10,459
- Why should he?
He's practically free now!
782
00:57:11,060 --> 00:57:12,493
I have it here, in my pocket.
783
00:57:13,096 --> 00:57:15,257
- And what do you have in your pocket?
- Well, I don't quite know.
784
00:57:15,365 --> 00:57:16,798
- U ou see! U ou don't even know
and yet you're talking!
785
00:57:18,835 --> 00:57:20,803
- Don't you know why we are taking you
to the Army Chaplain?
786
00:57:21,404 --> 00:57:22,837
- For confession.
787
00:57:23,206 --> 00:57:25,674
- What, for confession?
- U es, they'll hang me tomorrow.
788
00:57:27,377 --> 00:57:29,607
- Hang?
- That's how it's done.
789
00:57:30,980 --> 00:57:33,540
They call it spiritual comfort.
790
00:57:34,884 --> 00:57:38,411
- Oh well, come along!
791
00:58:05,348 --> 00:58:06,781
Halt!
792
00:58:06,850 --> 00:58:10,513
Nur fur Militar! Bis jetzt.
793
00:58:15,658 --> 00:58:19,059
- How about taking those bayonets off?
After all, he's one of us!
794
00:58:19,262 --> 00:58:20,729
- But how?
795
00:58:23,933 --> 00:58:26,595
Halt!
- Are you crazy?
796
00:58:26,703 --> 00:58:30,662
- Look here, you know this place.
Do you know of a pub handy?
797
00:58:31,207 --> 00:58:33,471
- Why not?
Just round the corner from here.
798
00:58:34,244 --> 00:58:36,576
There's even music, a fiddle,
an accordion...
799
00:58:37,213 --> 00:58:38,646
U ou can leave your rifles
in the kitchen.
800
00:58:40,450 --> 00:58:41,474
- What is it?
801
00:58:41,618 --> 00:58:43,085
- Do you remember the arrangements
we made?
802
00:58:43,253 --> 00:58:45,619
Do you know...?
Understand?
803
00:58:46,022 --> 00:58:47,489
- Oh, of course!
804
00:58:49,058 --> 00:58:50,491
Is it a safe place?
805
00:58:51,127 --> 00:58:54,756
- Very, only tarts go there
and similar decent people!
806
00:58:57,166 --> 00:58:58,599
- Let's go!
807
00:58:59,502 --> 00:59:00,992
On Pankrac hill,
808
00:59:01,337 --> 00:59:02,964
right on the top of it,
809
00:59:03,072 --> 00:59:07,133
trees are planted.
810
00:59:07,977 --> 00:59:09,569
On Pankrac hill,
811
00:59:09,812 --> 00:59:11,541
right on the top of it,
812
00:59:11,614 --> 00:59:15,516
trees are planted.
813
00:59:16,319 --> 00:59:19,652
I had a girl friend,
814
00:59:19,856 --> 00:59:23,087
now someone else has got her!
815
00:59:23,993 --> 00:59:27,190
I had a girl friend,
816
00:59:27,497 --> 00:59:30,762
now someone else has got her!
817
00:59:33,169 --> 00:59:36,570
- Schweik, come here!
Where did they dress you up like this?
818
00:59:40,143 --> 00:59:42,703
- Schweik, you ought to have
a photo taken!
819
00:59:46,983 --> 00:59:49,008
- Christ, it's Schweik!
820
00:59:53,423 --> 00:59:55,823
- Good day to you, gentlemen!
821
00:59:56,526 --> 00:59:59,188
Oh..., it's Mr. Schweik!
A coffee, please.
822
00:59:59,462 --> 01:00:03,523
A coffee for everybody, please. Right.
Thank you.
823
01:00:04,601 --> 01:00:08,037
- Cheers!
824
01:00:08,137 --> 01:00:10,867
U our health! U ou know, after all,
we shouldn't drink to you health...
825
01:00:13,810 --> 01:00:15,778
- Tell us,
why are they going to string you up?
826
01:00:17,146 --> 01:00:19,410
- Perhaps he was born
on an unlucky planet.
827
01:00:19,682 --> 01:00:21,513
- But they won't hang somebody
for nothing!
828
01:00:21,985 --> 01:00:24,283
There has to be a reason for it!
829
01:00:24,687 --> 01:00:27,247
So that the... is reasonable!
830
01:00:27,690 --> 01:00:29,157
- It's not like that in war.
831
01:00:30,293 --> 01:00:33,023
U ou're supposed to fall at the front,
or be executed at home...
832
01:00:33,930 --> 01:00:35,591
What difference does it make?
833
01:00:36,299 --> 01:00:38,096
- Aren't you a little bit political?
834
01:00:39,202 --> 01:00:41,170
- Too much!
- Let's knock it on the head!
835
01:00:41,771 --> 01:00:43,329
- If you were smart boys,
you'd buy us a drink!
836
01:00:43,606 --> 01:00:45,198
- Of course, ladies!
Why not?
837
01:00:45,775 --> 01:00:48,266
Waiter, come here!
Ferda, vermouth!
838
01:00:48,978 --> 01:00:50,741
... by a little window
839
01:00:50,847 --> 01:00:52,872
sits a beautiful blonde.
840
01:00:53,016 --> 01:00:55,883
Sits a beautiful blonde.
841
01:00:57,120 --> 01:00:58,917
By a little window
842
01:00:59,055 --> 01:01:00,955
sits a beautiful blonde.
843
01:01:01,090 --> 01:01:03,923
Sits a beautiful blonde.
844
01:01:05,194 --> 01:01:08,288
Come closer soldier boy,
845
01:01:09,132 --> 01:01:12,397
you"re not afraid of a girl?!
846
01:01:13,169 --> 01:01:15,000
I touched the handle,
847
01:01:15,104 --> 01:01:17,004
and I heard music.
848
01:01:17,106 --> 01:01:20,007
And I heard music.
849
01:01:21,144 --> 01:01:23,009
I touched the handle,
850
01:01:23,146 --> 01:01:25,011
And I heard music.
851
01:01:25,081 --> 01:01:28,141
And I heard music.
852
01:01:28,918 --> 01:01:32,376
My dear Kamila...
853
01:01:34,891 --> 01:01:39,157
- Madam,
that Vermouth is like water!
854
01:01:39,262 --> 01:01:44,029
Send us a bottle of something decent.
That gent's going to pay for it all!
855
01:01:44,233 --> 01:01:45,666
- In a moment! In a moment!
856
01:01:46,335 --> 01:01:48,826
- I've a small farm
in Holovousy.
857
01:01:49,472 --> 01:01:52,908
There's lovely apples in my garden.
858
01:01:53,810 --> 01:01:58,645
When I get my Urlaub,
I'll bring you half a ton.
859
01:01:58,981 --> 01:02:01,711
- And what have you got in your pocket?
- That? That's a state secret!
860
01:02:01,984 --> 01:02:04,350
- Here you are, ladies and gents!
- The Devil's Liquor!
861
01:02:06,989 --> 01:02:09,822
- You"re my sweetie-pie,sweetie-pie.
862
01:02:10,727 --> 01:02:14,288
You"re my,You"re my
863
01:02:14,564 --> 01:02:17,465
sweetie-pie.
864
01:02:18,134 --> 01:02:21,035
You"re my, you"re...
- Come outside with me!
865
01:02:21,504 --> 01:02:23,199
For a fiver, I'll give you
a nice injection, petrol, you know,
866
01:02:23,973 --> 01:02:25,600
and you're sure to be in hospital
for at least 3 months!
867
01:02:26,142 --> 01:02:29,703
- Don't be scared! That man's a medic.
Nobody will be the wiser
868
01:02:29,812 --> 01:02:31,643
and you'll be nice and safe
for a long time!
869
01:02:34,517 --> 01:02:35,950
- Hahaha. A medic...!
Hahaha.
870
01:02:41,057 --> 01:02:43,321
- Ouch!
871
01:03:09,619 --> 01:03:11,086
- Hip, hip, hip,
hip!
872
01:03:12,588 --> 01:03:14,055
Hip, hip, hip, hip!
873
01:03:15,591 --> 01:03:17,058
Hip, hip!
874
01:03:43,986 --> 01:03:48,923
- Come to me, those who have wine!
As I'm thirsty!
875
01:03:51,294 --> 01:03:54,195
- Come here,
my little muff!
876
01:04:00,369 --> 01:04:01,802
- Oh, well!
877
01:04:12,248 --> 01:04:13,875
So you're here, Schweik,
are you?
878
01:04:14,083 --> 01:04:15,607
- Beg to report, Sir.
A package!
879
01:04:16,786 --> 01:04:19,277
- I say, got a match?
- Beg to report, Sir, I haven't.
880
01:04:19,689 --> 01:04:23,147
- I say, why not?
Every soldier ought to have matches
881
01:04:23,326 --> 01:04:26,159
to light up with.
A soldier without matches is...
882
01:04:27,263 --> 01:04:29,288
What is he?
- Beg to report, Sir, he's matchless.
883
01:04:31,534 --> 01:04:34,401
- Obviously, very good.
He's without matches
884
01:04:35,438 --> 01:04:36,928
and can't give anybody a light.
885
01:04:37,039 --> 01:04:38,529
That's it.
886
01:04:39,642 --> 01:04:41,132
Do you drink liquor, Schweik?
887
01:04:41,210 --> 01:04:42,643
- No liquor for me, Sir,
only rum.
888
01:04:43,579 --> 01:04:45,274
- Just take a look at that big lout
over there! Come here!
889
01:04:46,415 --> 01:04:48,610
I borrowed him today
from Lieutenant Feldhuber.
890
01:04:48,818 --> 01:04:50,376
He's a...
He's a teetotaler!
891
01:04:50,920 --> 01:04:52,410
Aren't you ashamed of yourself,
you bloody fool?
892
01:04:52,488 --> 01:04:53,921
Do you know what you deserve?
A punch in the jaw...!
893
01:04:58,661 --> 01:05:00,094
So you're drunk!
894
01:05:02,164 --> 01:05:03,722
U ou're drunk while on duty
895
01:05:04,433 --> 01:05:05,900
and you'll be punished for it!
I'll have you arrested!
896
01:05:06,636 --> 01:05:08,900
Right now, I'm going to phone
for the MPs.
897
01:05:17,613 --> 01:05:21,310
Hallo! Hallo! What are you doing
at that switchboard?
898
01:05:21,684 --> 01:05:26,348
Let me have the K. And K.
Korpskommando immediately!
899
01:05:26,889 --> 01:05:29,983
What? What do you say?
I don't understand a single word!
900
01:05:32,061 --> 01:05:34,154
- Don't be a fool now!
901
01:05:35,464 --> 01:05:36,954
It was us escorting you, wasn't it?
902
01:05:37,800 --> 01:05:40,325
- Well, my dears,
as Napoleon used to say:
903
01:05:40,436 --> 01:05:42,836
"In war, the situation changes
from one moment to another..."
904
01:05:43,339 --> 01:05:44,772
- I could do with a drink!
905
01:05:46,342 --> 01:05:48,435
- I can't get through
to the barracks.
906
01:05:50,212 --> 01:05:52,407
So, go home, the two of you! Run away!
And remember,
907
01:05:52,481 --> 01:05:55,848
mustn't booze while on duty!
Out with you!
908
01:06:42,498 --> 01:06:43,931
- Sir!
909
01:06:47,603 --> 01:06:49,798
- Madam,
I'm sure it can't be Christmas already?
910
01:06:56,645 --> 01:06:58,135
I want some more Eau de Cologne!
911
01:07:01,450 --> 01:07:04,647
- Sir!
Here's some black coffee.
912
01:07:16,766 --> 01:07:19,428
- Listen... you...
- Schweik!
913
01:07:19,502 --> 01:07:21,732
- Schweik.
- Schweik, tell me,
914
01:07:22,571 --> 01:07:25,870
didn't I misbehave yesterday?
915
01:07:26,275 --> 01:07:28,436
- Beg to report, Sir,
everything went smoothly.
916
01:07:29,111 --> 01:07:30,976
Only when I was letting the ladies
out of the house,
917
01:07:31,747 --> 01:07:36,207
a gent, looking like a Turk
with a Fez on his head,
918
01:07:36,485 --> 01:07:37,975
came out of the door opposite ours
and tried to cause a disturbance.
919
01:07:38,054 --> 01:07:40,045
- And what was the result?
- I gave him a punch on the jaw
920
01:07:40,122 --> 01:07:41,817
and he calmed down.
- U ou shouldn't have done it!
921
01:07:41,891 --> 01:07:43,950
That was the Landlord...
- Well, now he knows
922
01:07:44,060 --> 01:07:47,052
that owning a house is no fun!
923
01:07:47,530 --> 01:07:50,397
It couldn't happen to us!
We don't own a house.
924
01:07:51,067 --> 01:07:52,796
- There you're right.
925
01:07:53,369 --> 01:07:54,802
All we own is...
926
01:08:00,009 --> 01:08:02,910
Schweik, all we own is...
927
01:08:03,979 --> 01:08:05,469
...36 pennies.
928
01:08:07,716 --> 01:08:09,809
I wish I was employed
at the Quartermaster's Store,
929
01:08:10,753 --> 01:08:14,655
there I could at least pinch a barrel
of rum or some lard.
930
01:08:14,990 --> 01:08:16,457
But what shall we do?
931
01:08:17,393 --> 01:08:18,883
What about selling the sofa?
932
01:08:19,295 --> 01:08:21,490
- We wouldn't get much for that one.
- U ou think so?
933
01:08:22,264 --> 01:08:25,791
Let's keep it then!
It belongs to the Landlord anyway.
934
01:08:25,935 --> 01:08:28,733
I know what we'll do, Schweik.
I'll give you three addresses
935
01:08:28,804 --> 01:08:31,466
to go to and borrow money.
U ou'll go to Bruska street...
936
01:08:31,941 --> 01:08:34,239
...to Captain Schnabel's and ask him
937
01:08:34,410 --> 01:08:35,843
to lend me a hundred crowns.
938
01:08:35,945 --> 01:08:37,503
He was lucky at cards two days ago
so what.
939
01:08:37,746 --> 01:08:40,579
And in case you're not successful there,
you'll go to the Vrsovice barracks
940
01:08:40,749 --> 01:08:42,808
and ask for Lieutenant Mahler.
941
01:08:43,752 --> 01:08:45,913
- The chaplain isn't at home!
- So he isn't in...?
942
01:08:46,055 --> 01:08:47,522
- I told you already,
that he isn't in!
943
01:08:47,623 --> 01:08:49,557
- So he went to the coffee house...?
- U ou'd have to
944
01:08:49,658 --> 01:08:51,751
wait somewhere!
- So I'd have to wait?
945
01:08:51,861 --> 01:08:54,489
Well, all right, I'll wait.
946
01:08:54,864 --> 01:08:56,331
Till tomorrow morning,
if necessary.
947
01:08:58,300 --> 01:08:59,733
Fine thing, he's got money
for the coffee house,
948
01:08:59,802 --> 01:09:01,702
but no money to pay his debts with!
949
01:09:10,713 --> 01:09:13,341
A fine Chaplain, pfui!
950
01:09:13,916 --> 01:09:15,383
- Sir, I ask you not to spit here!
951
01:09:15,584 --> 01:09:17,518
- And I'll spit once more,
if I feel like it!
952
01:09:18,454 --> 01:09:20,718
Like this. Do you see?
953
01:09:21,423 --> 01:09:24,654
- If you're an educated man,
behave yourself
954
01:09:25,427 --> 01:09:26,860
and don't act like a vagabond!
955
01:09:27,296 --> 01:09:28,957
- So I don't behave decently?
956
01:09:29,365 --> 01:09:31,731
And what do I behave like, tell me!
Just you tell me, you...
957
01:09:31,867 --> 01:09:33,391
- A hooligan, that's what you are!
Spitting on the floor
958
01:09:33,502 --> 01:09:35,493
just like in a train.
I was wondering all the time,
959
01:09:35,571 --> 01:09:38,836
why there are notices everywhere,
about not spitting on the floor!
960
01:09:39,108 --> 01:09:40,973
Now I know, it's because of you,
961
01:09:41,177 --> 01:09:43,509
you must be a very well known person!
962
01:09:43,746 --> 01:09:45,373
- U ou dirty creature!
U ou...
963
01:09:46,048 --> 01:09:48,573
Let go of me!
I am an honorable citizen!
964
01:09:48,684 --> 01:09:50,481
Let go of me!
Let go of me!
965
01:10:40,436 --> 01:10:42,028
- Are you crazy?
966
01:10:42,371 --> 01:10:45,272
- Beg to report, Sir, that I took care
of everything, just like you told me to.
967
01:10:46,342 --> 01:10:48,037
Supper is served in the drawing room.
968
01:10:48,577 --> 01:10:50,010
I shall now go and fry some eggs.
969
01:10:51,447 --> 01:10:52,880
- On bacon, too!
970
01:10:58,954 --> 01:11:01,616
Who was it that lent us money?
- Beg to report, Sir, all of them.
971
01:11:01,690 --> 01:11:04,420
I only had to crawl on my knees
in front of Captain Schnabel.
972
01:11:05,094 --> 01:11:06,686
That one is a right bastard.
973
01:11:07,096 --> 01:11:09,155
But when I told him about your
paternity case...
974
01:11:09,999 --> 01:11:11,489
- Paternity case?
975
01:11:11,567 --> 01:11:13,967
- Of course, alimony, you know,
paying a girl so much every week.
976
01:11:15,204 --> 01:11:17,365
U ou told me to spin
any yarn I pleased, so...
977
01:11:18,340 --> 01:11:19,773
- And what did Captain Schnabel say?
978
01:11:19,942 --> 01:11:21,500
- There were about five gentlemen
present,
979
01:11:21,610 --> 01:11:23,271
and they all asked me what sort
of a girl it was,
980
01:11:24,179 --> 01:11:27,740
so I told them she was a very smart
little bit, not quite fifteen yet.
981
01:11:28,417 --> 01:11:29,850
Then they all wanted to have
her address.
982
01:11:30,185 --> 01:11:31,709
- U ou've made a nice mess of it,
I must say!
983
01:11:31,854 --> 01:11:35,290
- Don't you worry, Chaplain,
I gave them the address of a deaf lady
984
01:11:35,424 --> 01:11:37,984
down our street.
985
01:11:44,600 --> 01:11:46,033
I told you already that he isn't in!
986
01:11:46,201 --> 01:11:48,192
- Don't lie to me,
he's just returned!
987
01:11:48,470 --> 01:11:51,598
- He's returned all right,
but he isn't at home to anybody!
988
01:11:51,674 --> 01:11:54,507
- That's no concern of mine!
- He's preparing tomorrow's sermon!
989
01:11:54,610 --> 01:11:57,078
- Leave me alone, man!
Leave me alone!
990
01:11:57,780 --> 01:11:59,543
Chaplain, I have to protest!
991
01:12:00,149 --> 01:12:03,949
I'm not used to that sort of treatment!
- My batman is certainly not right!
992
01:12:04,486 --> 01:12:05,919
A guest in the house means God
in the house!
993
01:12:06,889 --> 01:12:09,414
- Beg to report, Sir, that bloke
is very difficult to dispose of,
994
01:12:09,658 --> 01:12:11,285
just like a certain Bouska from Liben.
995
01:12:11,427 --> 01:12:13,918
They once kicked him out of Exeter's
eighteen times
996
01:12:14,063 --> 01:12:17,191
and he always returned
saying that he'd left his pipe behind.
997
01:12:17,299 --> 01:12:18,926
- U ou're joking!
- He was that persevering,
998
01:12:19,902 --> 01:12:21,369
he could have become
a cabinet minister.
999
01:12:21,437 --> 01:12:22,961
- I hope that I'm not here
to be made fun of!
1000
01:12:24,940 --> 01:12:26,771
- Take a chair, please!
- Thank you.
1001
01:12:29,411 --> 01:12:33,404
- We are having Hungarian salami,
sardines, salmon,
1002
01:12:34,016 --> 01:12:35,677
and some fried eggs.
1003
01:12:37,386 --> 01:12:40,549
Isn't it nice to have a rest
on borrowed money!
1004
01:12:41,423 --> 01:12:44,415
- I insist that you listen
to what I have to say!
1005
01:12:44,660 --> 01:12:46,218
- I hope I'm right in assuming
that you came to get money
1006
01:12:46,428 --> 01:12:48,760
for the check I gave you?
1007
01:12:48,997 --> 01:12:53,957
- U es, Chaplain, and I hope,
that I won't have to leave without it!
1008
01:12:57,406 --> 01:12:59,033
- What are you doing?
- Beg to report, Sir,
1009
01:12:59,141 --> 01:13:01,439
that I already had some difficulties
with this gentleman.
1010
01:13:01,777 --> 01:13:04,405
- Leave us, Schweik!
We have a private matter to discuss!
1011
01:13:04,947 --> 01:13:06,812
- Beg to report, Sir,
I am leaving you!
1012
01:13:10,219 --> 01:13:12,084
- Listen, Chaplain, if there was no vow.
I wouldn't press you.
1013
01:13:12,421 --> 01:13:14,480
But I had a number of very sad
experiences!
1014
01:13:15,624 --> 01:13:19,185
Take the case of Lieutenant Janota,
1015
01:13:19,995 --> 01:13:22,930
who owed me 700 crowns
and got himself killed at Dryne.
1016
01:13:24,767 --> 01:13:28,931
Lieutenant Prasek, 2000 crowns,
taken prisoner by the Russians.
1017
01:13:29,938 --> 01:13:33,396
Captain Wichterle, Lieutenant Machek,
both imprisoned by the Serbians,
1018
01:13:33,876 --> 01:13:37,312
each of them owing me 1500 crowns!
1019
01:13:38,180 --> 01:13:39,613
U ou must understand my anxiety...
1020
01:13:39,982 --> 01:13:41,449
- But, Mister I am not...
1021
01:13:41,517 --> 01:13:42,950
- I know what you're going to say,
Chaplain!
1022
01:13:43,085 --> 01:13:44,677
That a priest is in no direct danger...
1023
01:13:46,422 --> 01:13:50,688
But listen! Army Chaplain Mathis
died a week ago at Brno!
1024
01:13:53,962 --> 01:13:55,520
He failed to pay me 1800 crowns
1025
01:13:55,597 --> 01:13:57,997
and went to supply last rites
to a chap,
1026
01:13:58,133 --> 01:13:59,862
who had the plague
and who was no concern of his anyway!
1027
01:14:00,269 --> 01:14:02,601
- That's his duty.
I'm going to do the same thing tomorrow.
1028
01:14:02,704 --> 01:14:04,467
- And he's also going
into the plague hospital!
1029
01:14:04,907 --> 01:14:07,603
- Tell me, Chaplain,
is this war only on
1030
01:14:07,910 --> 01:14:10,435
to finish off all my debtors?
1031
01:14:11,547 --> 01:14:13,447
- Schweik, I'm beginning
to get bored.
1032
01:14:14,283 --> 01:14:15,716
Tell him in a gentle way:
1033
01:14:15,818 --> 01:14:18,412
"The Chaplain is not going
to give you any money!
1034
01:14:18,654 --> 01:14:20,645
- I'm not going to budge
till I get it!
1035
01:14:21,256 --> 01:14:22,746
- If that's the case, Schweik,
1036
01:14:23,592 --> 01:14:24,923
dispose of him in any way
that pleases you!
1037
01:14:25,093 --> 01:14:27,357
- I'm not going, it's a shame,
you've tricked me!
1038
01:14:27,496 --> 01:14:29,191
- Make no noise, you hoodlum!
1039
01:14:29,531 --> 01:14:31,761
The Chaplain has to study!
- I know he's trying to figure out
1040
01:14:31,867 --> 01:14:33,835
how to cheat honest people out
of their money!
1041
01:14:33,936 --> 01:14:35,961
U ou cheeky lout!
U ou've ruined me!
1042
01:15:07,569 --> 01:15:10,129
Wiener Blot... tralala...
1043
01:15:10,272 --> 01:15:14,231
Wiener Blot... tralala...... tralalala...
1044
01:15:19,014 --> 01:15:21,312
- God, I'm grateful we've found
the place.
1045
01:15:21,850 --> 01:15:23,442
I'd been driving him around
for two hours
1046
01:15:23,552 --> 01:15:25,076
before I managed to squeeze an address
out of him.
1047
01:15:25,854 --> 01:15:27,481
He's been sick all over my cab
1048
01:15:27,923 --> 01:15:29,584
and now I can't get any money
out of him!
1049
01:15:30,792 --> 01:15:33,852
- Chaplain...!
- Stop! I have to drive on!
1050
01:15:34,129 --> 01:15:36,620
I'm changing at Nymburk!
- Help me!
1051
01:15:43,438 --> 01:15:45,372
- Gentlemen, I'm not going to have
a steam bath!
1052
01:15:46,575 --> 01:15:48,042
- Of course not - come here!
1053
01:15:54,383 --> 01:15:57,079
Give it to me!
No more booze!
1054
01:15:58,921 --> 01:16:00,388
- Take those skates off!
1055
01:16:02,991 --> 01:16:05,551
- Chaplain...!
1056
01:16:05,661 --> 01:16:09,062
It's me, Schweik!
1057
01:16:09,131 --> 01:16:11,099
We have to pay for the cab.
1058
01:16:11,166 --> 01:16:12,895
- Do you believe in immortality?
1059
01:16:13,335 --> 01:16:15,895
Tell me one thing!
Can a horse get into heaven?
1060
01:16:15,971 --> 01:16:19,134
- Be quick about paying for the fare!
I've other parties to take care of!
1061
01:16:19,508 --> 01:16:21,840
- Chaplain, he wants money!
1062
01:16:33,055 --> 01:16:34,488
- Here, take the lot!
Ich kann bezahlen!
1063
01:16:36,325 --> 01:16:37,758
A penny more or less doesn't matter
to me!
1064
01:16:37,859 --> 01:16:40,589
- Hergott!
1065
01:16:40,696 --> 01:16:42,926
- Wait!
We've got to search him.
1066
01:16:43,765 --> 01:16:45,756
- Of course! All those, who are dead,
1067
01:16:45,901 --> 01:16:48,768
report to the Korpskommando
within three days,
1068
01:16:49,104 --> 01:16:50,628
to get a Christian burial!
1069
01:16:51,940 --> 01:16:53,601
Lady don't tickle me!
1070
01:16:58,213 --> 01:17:00,443
- That's not enough!
I took him round the town
1071
01:17:00,549 --> 01:17:02,107
three times!
1072
01:17:02,184 --> 01:17:04,846
- We've got no more.
- A fine business...! Pfui!
1073
01:17:15,931 --> 01:17:17,421
- The fire won't burn!
1074
01:17:17,499 --> 01:17:19,763
Somebody must be blowing on it!
1075
01:17:22,070 --> 01:17:23,935
I want something, but I don't know what.
1076
01:17:24,139 --> 01:17:26,801
I don't know what!
Don't you know what I want?
1077
01:17:27,776 --> 01:17:31,075
But I couldn't care less,
and neither could you, Schweik!
1078
01:17:31,179 --> 01:17:32,669
- Sit down!
1079
01:17:33,348 --> 01:17:36,215
- Oh, I'm so alone,
in the world!
1080
01:17:37,619 --> 01:17:40,281
People, Schweik,
I've got to tell you something.
1081
01:17:40,522 --> 01:17:41,489
I've got a confession to make.
1082
01:17:41,590 --> 01:17:42,852
I, a repentant sinner, confess
and admit.
1083
01:17:42,924 --> 01:17:44,482
- Don't lie on the floor!
- I have to confess to you!
1084
01:17:44,593 --> 01:17:46,686
- Chaplain...
will you lie down!
1085
01:17:48,263 --> 01:17:49,696
- I have to...
1086
01:17:59,808 --> 01:18:03,175
Ladies, I have a lovely joke for you!
1087
01:18:04,279 --> 01:18:06,076
There was once a drummer living
in Budejovice,
1088
01:18:06,815 --> 01:18:09,147
he got married and died within a year!
1089
01:18:10,419 --> 01:18:12,148
Isn't it lovely?
1090
01:18:25,434 --> 01:18:29,165
Madam,
what a sweet boy you've got!
1091
01:18:29,905 --> 01:18:32,772
Look, what uncle has brought you!
Right. Look!
1092
01:18:33,442 --> 01:18:35,376
Boodlicky!
Boodlicky, boodlicky,
1093
01:18:35,444 --> 01:18:36,877
boodlicky, boodlicky...
1094
01:18:37,746 --> 01:18:39,509
I want a Cognac!
Where is it?
1095
01:18:47,856 --> 01:18:49,414
Come here! Come here!
Come here! Come here! Come here!
1096
01:18:52,260 --> 01:18:56,788
Come here! Come here! Come here!
1097
01:19:01,536 --> 01:19:03,128
- Come on, lie down quietly,
1098
01:19:04,172 --> 01:19:07,107
Come on!
Or I'll have to hit you one!
1099
01:19:07,476 --> 01:19:10,206
- U ou're such a good boy.
I'll have to marry you off to my sister.
1100
01:19:14,950 --> 01:19:18,283
- Hello!
Chaplain, do you hear me?
1101
01:19:19,354 --> 01:19:23,051
- Is that you, Schweik?
What am I doing here?
1102
01:19:23,625 --> 01:19:26,685
- It seems you're suffering
from a slight attack of the DTs.
1103
01:19:28,830 --> 01:19:33,028
- U esterday, I lost all my money.
1104
01:19:33,802 --> 01:19:35,292
Even you, Schweik.
1105
01:19:35,804 --> 01:19:38,637
I lost you at cards.
1106
01:19:39,541 --> 01:19:43,500
I've thrown you into the clutches
of Lieutenant Lukas!
1107
01:19:43,645 --> 01:19:45,135
- Well, that's not the end of the world!
1108
01:19:45,213 --> 01:19:46,646
In a few days time,
we'll get money somehow...
1109
01:19:46,782 --> 01:19:49,114
- Oh no, it's impossible!
Quite impossible, Schweik!
1110
01:19:49,351 --> 01:19:51,512
U ou know, debts at cards...
1111
01:19:51,686 --> 01:19:54,416
...debts at cards are debts of honor.
1112
01:19:54,790 --> 01:19:56,348
And I am an officer!
1113
01:19:57,092 --> 01:20:00,926
Habacht!
Abtreten!
1114
01:20:04,733 --> 01:20:07,327
Jesus Christ!
- "When I was serving you
1115
01:20:07,402 --> 01:20:08,835
for the first year.
1116
01:20:10,305 --> 01:20:15,242
- Tralala lalala...
1117
01:20:35,697 --> 01:20:37,426
- Beg to report, Sir,
that I'm here.
1118
01:20:38,033 --> 01:20:39,523
- Hm.
1119
01:20:41,570 --> 01:20:45,062
Turn round!
1120
01:20:45,473 --> 01:20:46,906
- Some more, Sir?
- Halt!
1121
01:20:47,309 --> 01:20:52,269
Well, finally you look almost
like a soldier!
1122
01:20:53,014 --> 01:20:56,472
Did they even supply you with a coat?
- Beg to report, Sir, even with a coat.
1123
01:20:57,452 --> 01:20:58,885
- I give you a fair warning,
I'm very strict!
1124
01:20:59,721 --> 01:21:01,712
Tell me, do you know
what a batman is supposed to do?
1125
01:21:02,224 --> 01:21:04,249
- A batman is an officer's servant,
boot - polish and pipe - cleaner.
1126
01:21:05,527 --> 01:21:07,688
- If I say:
"Jump into the fire!",
1127
01:21:08,263 --> 01:21:10,823
why, into the fire you've got to jump,
whether you like it or not.
1128
01:21:11,700 --> 01:21:13,167
What are you staring at?
1129
01:21:13,435 --> 01:21:17,166
- Beg to report, Sir,
that's a Harz canary.
1130
01:21:18,106 --> 01:21:20,870
- Are you fond of animals?
1131
01:21:21,042 --> 01:21:22,634
- It's dogs I fancy most, Sir.
1132
01:21:22,978 --> 01:21:25,469
If you'd like me to...
- I am fond of dogs too -
1133
01:21:25,747 --> 01:21:27,214
as companions.
1134
01:21:27,782 --> 01:21:30,444
I used to have a stable dog once.
1135
01:21:30,986 --> 01:21:33,079
- Stable dogs are the best, Sir.
1136
01:21:33,488 --> 01:21:36,286
A stable dog is not to everybody's
liking, he's got such hard whiskers
1137
01:21:36,358 --> 01:21:38,417
and looks like a released prisoner,
1138
01:21:38,660 --> 01:21:42,562
but he's so ugly he's almost beautiful.
1139
01:21:43,231 --> 01:21:45,825
- Hm.
Well, when you get the chance,
1140
01:21:46,368 --> 01:21:48,233
bring me a dog.
1141
01:21:48,803 --> 01:21:50,293
Hand me my sword now!
1142
01:21:51,473 --> 01:21:53,998
And remember:
I love everything clean
1143
01:21:54,309 --> 01:21:56,300
and tidy!
And I can't stand lies.
1144
01:21:56,778 --> 01:21:59,144
I love honesty and I hate lies.
1145
01:21:59,614 --> 01:22:01,241
Lies I punish without mercy,
is that understood?
1146
01:22:02,217 --> 01:22:04,014
- Beg to report, Sir,
quite.
1147
01:22:04,252 --> 01:22:06,914
There's nothing worse than a liar.
1148
01:22:07,889 --> 01:22:09,083
- Oh, well.
1149
01:22:09,257 --> 01:22:10,918
- And as far as honesty
is concerned, Sir,
1150
01:22:11,259 --> 01:22:15,753
there's nothing nicer,
because with honesty you get places.
1151
01:22:15,931 --> 01:22:17,796
Take for instance a walking contest.
1152
01:22:18,199 --> 01:22:20,167
As soon as you start doing tricks
and running,
1153
01:22:20,702 --> 01:22:22,169
you're disqualified.
1154
01:22:22,370 --> 01:22:24,304
That happened to a cousin of mine.
1155
01:22:25,140 --> 01:22:28,632
A honest man is respected everywhere,
1156
01:22:29,077 --> 01:22:32,740
he's satisfied with himself
and he feels like a new born babe,
1157
01:22:32,847 --> 01:22:34,747
when he goes to bed and can say:
1158
01:22:35,583 --> 01:22:38,381
"Well, I've been honest again today."
1159
01:22:39,888 --> 01:22:41,913
- The Chaplain
recommended you to me
1160
01:22:42,490 --> 01:22:45,482
as a champion idiot. And I'm inclined
to think that he wasn't far wrong.
1161
01:22:45,827 --> 01:22:48,762
- Beg to report, Sir, I was discharged
from doing my regular service,
1162
01:22:48,830 --> 01:22:50,388
for being feeble minded.
There were two of us discharged
1163
01:22:50,532 --> 01:22:52,796
for the same reason at the time -
1164
01:22:52,934 --> 01:22:56,199
me and a captain von Kaunitz.
1165
01:22:58,039 --> 01:23:00,940
- Hm.
Er... what did I want?
1166
01:23:01,242 --> 01:23:02,675
Now, Schweik, comes the main thing!
1167
01:23:02,811 --> 01:23:05,075
Sometimes, ladies come to see me.
One or the other
1168
01:23:05,714 --> 01:23:07,614
may stay all night.
1169
01:23:08,016 --> 01:23:10,348
In a case like that, you'll bring coffee
for two into the bedroom,
1170
01:23:10,452 --> 01:23:15,048
but be sure not to enter till I ring!
1171
01:23:17,993 --> 01:23:19,551
Do you hear me?
- Beg to report, Sir,
1172
01:23:19,661 --> 01:23:21,822
I know what it means
to come at the wrong time.
1173
01:23:22,731 --> 01:23:24,358
Once, I took a young woman home with me,
1174
01:23:24,599 --> 01:23:26,533
and just as we were getting on fine
together,
1175
01:23:26,968 --> 01:23:29,334
my charwomen brought me the coffee.
1176
01:23:29,504 --> 01:23:33,406
She had quite a fright,
poured all the hot coffee down my back
1177
01:23:33,742 --> 01:23:35,869
and said "Good morning" on top of it.
1178
01:23:35,977 --> 01:23:37,945
- I'm on duty today.
I shan't be home till late.
1179
01:23:38,146 --> 01:23:39,545
Tidy the place up a bit.
1180
01:23:40,081 --> 01:23:42,276
The last orderly was not good at all
1181
01:23:42,384 --> 01:23:44,147
and he's leaving today with a draft
for the front!
1182
01:23:44,486 --> 01:23:46,477
And don't let anyone
into the apartment!
1183
01:23:49,524 --> 01:23:53,551
- Oak leaf,
1184
01:23:54,562 --> 01:23:58,692
don"t fall into the river!
1185
01:23:59,768 --> 01:24:03,932
Oak leaf,
1186
01:24:04,806 --> 01:24:08,799
don"t fall into the river!
1187
01:24:09,778 --> 01:24:12,770
The water would carry you away
1188
01:24:12,947 --> 01:24:15,609
and that would make me sad.
1189
01:24:15,683 --> 01:24:19,312
Oak leaf.
1190
01:25:03,832 --> 01:25:05,493
- Are you the Lieutenant's Batman?
1191
01:25:05,567 --> 01:25:07,057
- That I am!
- Well, why don't you open up?
1192
01:25:07,135 --> 01:25:09,000
Why do you leave me to kick my feet
outside?
1193
01:25:09,137 --> 01:25:10,798
- I didn't...
...Hear the bell! I know.
1194
01:25:11,106 --> 01:25:13,438
Don't lie to me!
U ou know very well that I rang the bell!
1195
01:25:13,908 --> 01:25:15,569
Take those suitcases inside!
1196
01:25:15,777 --> 01:25:18,177
- I can't do that without
the Lieutenant's permission!
1197
01:25:18,646 --> 01:25:22,582
- Do as I told you. Take those!
1198
01:25:22,650 --> 01:25:25,050
- Lady, the only order
I got was to get a stable dog.
1199
01:25:25,220 --> 01:25:28,246
I know nothing whatever
about your suitcases!
1200
01:25:28,590 --> 01:25:30,922
- So you won't
take my cases in?
1201
01:25:31,326 --> 01:25:32,452
- As I've told you.
1202
01:25:32,594 --> 01:25:35,927
Till I get an army order,
I don't know my own brother!
1203
01:25:36,898 --> 01:25:38,957
Now, I'm going to lock up and of course
I can't leave a stranger
1204
01:25:39,067 --> 01:25:40,557
in the apartment.
1205
01:25:41,436 --> 01:25:42,869
So please...
- Ha ha!
1206
01:25:43,204 --> 01:25:44,637
U ou must be crazy!
1207
01:25:46,040 --> 01:25:48,565
I've come to visit...
1208
01:25:49,377 --> 01:25:51,641
...the Lieutenant.
- That's an old one!
1209
01:25:52,413 --> 01:25:54,540
In our street, someone came to visit
1210
01:25:54,682 --> 01:25:57,583
Belicsky, the confectioner,
1211
01:25:58,086 --> 01:26:00,020
once in his absence,
1212
01:26:00,088 --> 01:26:02,648
opened all the wardrobes and ran away
with the contents.
1213
01:26:02,991 --> 01:26:04,481
- For the last time -
1214
01:26:04,592 --> 01:26:07,186
take those cases in!
- Excuse me, Madam!
1215
01:26:08,096 --> 01:26:10,223
I've been entrusted with the whole
apartment.
1216
01:26:10,665 --> 01:26:13,133
I'm responsible for every single bit
of it.
1217
01:26:34,489 --> 01:26:37,219
I'm really sorry
I've got to talk to you like this,
1218
01:26:37,292 --> 01:26:39,852
but there's got to be some order
in the army.
1219
01:26:41,896 --> 01:26:43,625
- Take this
to the Lieutenant!
1220
01:26:46,568 --> 01:26:50,299
Here's a five crown tip for you,
and I'll wait here!
1221
01:26:50,705 --> 01:26:53,799
- No play, Madam.
Keep your five crowns.
1222
01:26:54,242 --> 01:26:56,574
If you insist, you can come
to the barracks with me.
1223
01:26:56,644 --> 01:26:58,703
I'll hand your letter over
to the Lieutenant
1224
01:26:59,013 --> 01:27:01,447
and you can wait for the answer.
1225
01:27:03,518 --> 01:27:05,042
Now, I'm going to lock up!
1226
01:27:56,571 --> 01:27:57,401
- What's the matter?
1227
01:27:57,505 --> 01:27:59,063
- Beg to report, Sir, here's a letter
for you.
1228
01:28:12,153 --> 01:28:15,179
- The lady says that you are a beast!
What have you done to her?
1229
01:28:15,356 --> 01:28:17,881
- Beg to report, Sir, nothing.
She wanted to move into your apartment,
1230
01:28:18,026 --> 01:28:19,459
suitcases and all.
1231
01:28:19,560 --> 01:28:21,994
- What? What's that?
- I prevented her from doing it.
1232
01:28:23,264 --> 01:28:27,360
I know of a draper in Vojtesska,
who once took a lady to live with him,
1233
01:28:27,969 --> 01:28:29,994
and then couldn't get rid of her,
1234
01:28:30,471 --> 01:28:33,338
so he had to poison himself
with coal gas, and her as well.
1235
01:28:34,108 --> 01:28:36,736
- Where is she now?
- Waiting, outside the gate!
1236
01:28:41,416 --> 01:28:44,852
My orders, Madam,
are to treat you politely
1237
01:28:45,219 --> 01:28:48,017
and to do everything you might wish.
1238
01:28:48,289 --> 01:28:49,847
And I've got a hundred crowns
to do it with.
1239
01:28:50,091 --> 01:28:51,524
- Get a cab!
1240
01:29:35,336 --> 01:29:40,273
It"s a good fairy that sent me to you,tralala, tralala...
1241
01:31:09,597 --> 01:31:12,566
What do you say to that, Schweik?
1242
01:31:14,202 --> 01:31:16,261
- As the Staff H. Q. Would put it
in their reports:
1243
01:31:17,038 --> 01:31:19,563
After a carefully prepared retreat,
we entrenched ourselves
1244
01:31:20,641 --> 01:31:22,700
in positions prepared beforehand.
1245
01:32:05,486 --> 01:32:08,387
- Schweik!
Where are you?!
1246
01:32:09,090 --> 01:32:10,751
- Beg to report that I'm here.
1247
01:32:11,993 --> 01:32:13,688
- Come in!
1248
01:32:18,132 --> 01:32:20,362
- Inside, you mean?
- Of course.
1249
01:32:20,568 --> 01:32:22,593
I want you to scrub my back!
1250
01:32:27,675 --> 01:32:29,199
- Wouldn't you like to wait
1251
01:32:31,212 --> 01:32:32,873
till the Lieutenant comes home?
1252
01:32:33,381 --> 01:32:36,646
- No.
I want it done right now! And by you!
1253
01:33:32,006 --> 01:33:34,497
- Everything all right, Schweik?
- Beg to report, Sir,
1254
01:33:35,409 --> 01:33:39,038
that I've fulfilled all the lady's
wishes, as you instructed me.
1255
01:33:39,847 --> 01:33:42,873
- Thank you very much, Schweik.
And did she want many things done?
1256
01:33:44,085 --> 01:33:45,814
- About... six, Sir.
1257
01:33:46,053 --> 01:33:48,783
And now she's sound asleep.
I did everything I saw she wanted,
1258
01:33:48,889 --> 01:33:50,481
although she didn't actually
ask for it...
1259
01:33:51,158 --> 01:33:53,683
- Thanks, I'm glad
I can rely on you in everything.
1260
01:34:18,986 --> 01:34:20,749
- Beg to report, Sir,
that I'm waiting here.
1261
01:34:21,088 --> 01:34:22,817
- I've asked you
to come, Schweik,
1262
01:34:23,457 --> 01:34:25,925
because we have to talk in confidence.
1263
01:34:27,328 --> 01:34:29,421
What's going on at home?
What is she doing?
1264
01:34:29,864 --> 01:34:32,560
- She just broke that large bottle
of Eau de Cologne.
1265
01:34:34,001 --> 01:34:36,629
The whole place smells...
Like a barbershop!
1266
01:34:41,809 --> 01:34:43,276
- What are we going to do?
1267
01:34:44,445 --> 01:34:46,208
- Don't say I haven't warned you.
1268
01:34:47,281 --> 01:34:48,908
I know of a follow who once...
- We must get rid of that woman!
1269
01:34:49,016 --> 01:34:50,483
- It's high time, too,
1270
01:34:51,385 --> 01:34:53,546
or we'll be as weak as puppies.
1271
01:34:54,321 --> 01:34:56,050
- But how?
- The best thing, Sir, would be
1272
01:34:56,157 --> 01:34:58,682
to dispatch her home,
as "Express registered"!
1273
01:34:59,160 --> 01:35:00,923
I know of a similar case
that happened too at Vsenory last year.
1274
01:35:01,662 --> 01:35:03,721
Let's send a wire to her husband.
1275
01:35:04,932 --> 01:35:07,366
As a sort of "unknown friend".
1276
01:35:07,735 --> 01:35:12,604
We'll put it like this:
"U ou wife's address is..."
1277
01:35:13,541 --> 01:35:17,033
After all, it isn't your fault!
U ou didn't invite her to come...
1278
01:35:17,178 --> 01:35:18,668
- Of course!
1279
01:35:19,113 --> 01:35:20,512
- And, as you say, her husband,
1280
01:35:20,614 --> 01:35:21,842
the hop merchant, is an intelligent sort
of fellow,
1281
01:35:21,949 --> 01:35:23,814
so even if you get a punch
on the jaw...
1282
01:35:23,884 --> 01:35:25,408
- Let's go
to the post office!
1283
01:35:52,079 --> 01:35:54,013
- Where is she?
Here she is...!
1284
01:36:07,962 --> 01:36:10,556
Katy!
- My husband.
1285
01:36:11,132 --> 01:36:12,861
Lieutenant Lukas.
1286
01:36:18,105 --> 01:36:20,039
- An "Unknown friend"
sent me the address by wire.
1287
01:36:20,341 --> 01:36:21,831
- That's a mean thing
to do!
1288
01:36:23,978 --> 01:36:26,242
- Don't you like cigarettes?
- Thanks.
1289
01:36:28,849 --> 01:36:30,874
Pardon me.
- Take a seat, won't you?
1290
01:36:31,051 --> 01:36:33,485
U ou must be tired.
- U es, please, thank you.
1291
01:36:35,189 --> 01:36:36,315
- Help yourself.
1292
01:36:36,457 --> 01:36:38,049
U ou don't know how pleased
I am to be here to welcome you.
1293
01:36:38,793 --> 01:36:40,954
U ou know, I live at the barracks,
and that's why I was able
1294
01:36:41,061 --> 01:36:43,427
to offer Madam the hospitality
of my apartment.
1295
01:36:43,998 --> 01:36:46,398
As an old acquaintance.
1296
01:36:49,203 --> 01:36:51,103
- My Katy is a funny woman!
1297
01:36:51,238 --> 01:36:52,796
She suddenly decided
to take a cure for her nerves.
1298
01:36:52,907 --> 01:36:54,636
I was away traveling,
and upon my return
1299
01:36:54,742 --> 01:36:56,209
I find the house empty and Katy gone.
1300
01:36:58,078 --> 01:36:59,102
And what about you, Lieutenant?
1301
01:36:59,213 --> 01:37:00,737
U ou'll be off to the front soon,
I suppose?
1302
01:37:01,248 --> 01:37:03,148
- As soon as I've finished my job
of training volunteer officers.
1303
01:37:03,651 --> 01:37:06,211
We need a lot of new officers, you know,
and it's very sad that most people
1304
01:37:06,320 --> 01:37:08,220
prefer to remain plain privates
in the infantry.
1305
01:37:08,355 --> 01:37:09,913
It looks like people lack interest
in the war.
1306
01:37:10,024 --> 01:37:11,457
- U ou are wrong there.
It interests me very much
1307
01:37:11,559 --> 01:37:12,890
what's going on at the front!
1308
01:37:13,027 --> 01:37:14,619
The hop business has been badly hit
by the war!
1309
01:37:15,029 --> 01:37:16,997
But I only hope that it won't last long!
1310
01:37:17,264 --> 01:37:18,697
- Our position is very good.
1311
01:37:19,733 --> 01:37:22,896
The Eastern Bezkyds and the Carpathians
are excellent pivotal centers for us.
1312
01:37:23,137 --> 01:37:24,695
One strong blow on this line
1313
01:37:25,005 --> 01:37:26,597
and we shan't stop till we get
to Moscow!
1314
01:37:27,041 --> 01:37:32,001
THE CITU OF MOSCOW INN
1315
01:38:08,515 --> 01:38:11,313
Pardon me, Miss,
can you tell me the way to Zizkov?
1316
01:38:12,720 --> 01:38:15,484
- To Zizkov? U ou'll have to
turn back this way...
1317
01:38:15,589 --> 01:38:17,921
- Back?
- U es, and then cross the bridge.
1318
01:38:18,025 --> 01:38:22,394
Go as far as the Powder Tower,
and there ask again.
1319
01:38:22,496 --> 01:38:23,929
- U es.
1320
01:38:28,802 --> 01:38:30,770
Ah, you don't seem to be from Prague
either?
1321
01:38:31,005 --> 01:38:33,064
- No, I'm from Vodnany.
1322
01:38:33,807 --> 01:38:36,173
- From Vodnany?
So we're almost neighbors!
1323
01:38:36,243 --> 01:38:38,438
I'm from Protivin.
- If you're from Protivin,
1324
01:38:38,545 --> 01:38:41,776
you must know Pejchar
the butcher on the square?
1325
01:38:42,383 --> 01:38:45,011
- Of course I know him,
he's a cousin of mine.
1326
01:38:45,419 --> 01:38:47,284
- U ou don't say!
1327
01:38:50,724 --> 01:38:52,988
Aren't you called Jaros?
- I am, Miss.
1328
01:38:53,093 --> 01:38:54,924
- And which Jaros family do come from?
Those from Razice?
1329
01:38:55,062 --> 01:38:57,997
- From Razice.
- Is your father still delivering beer?
1330
01:38:58,465 --> 01:39:00,194
- He is.
- Well, he must be
1331
01:39:00,301 --> 01:39:01,791
well over sixty now.
1332
01:39:01,902 --> 01:39:05,429
- He was sixty-eight last spring.
1333
01:39:26,493 --> 01:39:31,487
- Lux! Lux!
1334
01:39:33,067 --> 01:39:35,297
Lux!
1335
01:39:35,402 --> 01:39:36,926
- Three breweries,
where I used to deliver thousands
1336
01:39:37,004 --> 01:39:39,336
of tons of hops every year,
were burned down in Belgium.
1337
01:39:39,540 --> 01:39:41,098
Another brewery, at Lwow,
was also burned to cinders.
1338
01:39:41,241 --> 01:39:43,072
If it goes on like this,
I shall be ruined!
1339
01:39:43,377 --> 01:39:44,867
Katy, are you ready?
1340
01:39:45,346 --> 01:39:47,211
All this is causing me
so much excitement!
1341
01:39:47,414 --> 01:39:50,906
Those losses in business and then
domestic worries on top of it...!
1342
01:39:52,052 --> 01:39:53,781
It wasn't the first time.
1343
01:39:55,022 --> 01:39:56,489
Last year, she ran away with
an assistant professor,
1344
01:39:56,590 --> 01:39:58,057
and as far as Zagreb, too.
Well, at that time I managed to sell
1345
01:39:58,125 --> 01:40:02,721
60 tons
of hops to the brewery at Zagreb.
1346
01:40:03,797 --> 01:40:04,991
- What's going to happen
to my suitcases?
1347
01:40:05,099 --> 01:40:06,532
- Of course, darling,
of course.
1348
01:40:06,767 --> 01:40:09,668
Everything is ready.
I have a car waiting downstairs.
1349
01:40:12,039 --> 01:40:14,064
- Lieutenant...
- Madam...
1350
01:40:14,174 --> 01:40:15,607
- Why didn't you protect me?
1351
01:40:15,676 --> 01:40:17,337
U ou permit him to drag me away
like a lifeless doll!
1352
01:40:19,380 --> 01:40:21,848
- Right...
We have to say goodbye now!
1353
01:40:21,915 --> 01:40:23,405
- As you wish.
1354
01:40:33,494 --> 01:40:35,121
- My compliments,
Lieutenant.
1355
01:40:37,398 --> 01:40:40,162
If you should get injured fighting,
come to our place for a rest cure.
1356
01:40:51,912 --> 01:40:53,470
- Come here!
1357
01:40:55,349 --> 01:40:58,113
Beg to report, Sir,
I'm bringing you a thoroughbred...
1358
01:40:58,218 --> 01:41:00,049
Come on!
...stable dog.
1359
01:41:00,387 --> 01:41:01,820
He's got to get used to his new
surroundings.
1360
01:41:02,423 --> 01:41:04,687
What's his name?
- Max.
1361
01:41:05,225 --> 01:41:07,022
I'll get his pedigree tomorrow.
1362
01:41:07,261 --> 01:41:08,694
- Put him into the kitchen
for the time being.
1363
01:41:08,962 --> 01:41:10,452
- Come on!
1364
01:41:12,533 --> 01:41:14,433
Come on, I tell you... come on!
1365
01:41:25,179 --> 01:41:27,010
Don't look so cross, you silly ass!
1366
01:41:28,682 --> 01:41:30,172
If you think it over,
1367
01:41:31,085 --> 01:41:34,452
every soldier has been stolen
from his home, too...
1368
01:41:58,011 --> 01:41:59,945
- Stop!
1369
01:42:02,483 --> 01:42:05,714
Lieutenant, subordinates always salute
their superiors!
1370
01:42:06,186 --> 01:42:09,019
This regulation has not been abolished!
And now, to the second point:
1371
01:42:09,523 --> 01:42:13,254
Since when do Lieutenants take
stolen dogs for a walk? Answer me!
1372
01:42:13,760 --> 01:42:15,284
- That dog, Colonel...
1373
01:42:15,362 --> 01:42:17,455
...Belongs to me!
That's my Lux!
1374
01:42:18,098 --> 01:42:19,963
Did you read in the paper
that colonel
1375
01:42:20,100 --> 01:42:23,001
Kraus von Zillergut lost
a thoroughbred pinscher?
1376
01:42:23,170 --> 01:42:25,161
- I didn't.
- What?
1377
01:42:25,405 --> 01:42:28,670
So you didn't read the ad
your superior officer put in the paper?
1378
01:42:28,775 --> 01:42:32,233
Nice goings on!
And at a time, when we are losing
1379
01:42:32,346 --> 01:42:35,645
hundreds of brave soldiers
at the front every day -
1380
01:42:36,416 --> 01:42:39,283
you don't read the advertisements!
And that's supposed to be discipline?
1381
01:42:39,386 --> 01:42:41,946
I could advertise 100...
...200... no, 300 years!
1382
01:42:42,122 --> 01:42:43,612
- I can assure you,
Sir...
1383
01:42:43,690 --> 01:42:46,591
- That it won't happen!
I'll take care of that!
1384
01:42:46,727 --> 01:42:51,164
I'm sending you to Budejovice,
to form march battalions!
1385
01:42:51,298 --> 01:42:53,789
Right.
For now you can walk about!
1386
01:42:54,368 --> 01:42:56,859
Ha, ha! Ha, ha!
1387
01:43:00,240 --> 01:43:03,209
...there was heavy fighting...
1388
01:43:04,745 --> 01:43:06,212
...at Mezilaborka.
1389
01:43:08,048 --> 01:43:11,211
U es, that's how it goes...
U es.
1390
01:43:11,852 --> 01:43:13,319
It's here.
1391
01:43:16,056 --> 01:43:20,618
- Schweik!
U ou stole the dog!
1392
01:43:21,261 --> 01:43:22,694
- I didn't steal it.
1393
01:43:22,763 --> 01:43:24,253
- But you knew it was stolen!
1394
01:43:25,132 --> 01:43:26,565
- I knew.
1395
01:43:40,614 --> 01:43:42,081
- Do you know
I feel like sending you
1396
01:43:42,182 --> 01:43:43,581
before a military court.
1397
01:43:45,619 --> 01:43:47,086
But they'd let you go all the same,
1398
01:43:47,154 --> 01:43:49,645
because they've never seen anything
so stupid in their entire lives.
1399
01:43:51,024 --> 01:43:53,185
Why did you bring me the beast?
1400
01:43:54,428 --> 01:43:56,089
- To make you happy.
1401
01:43:56,496 --> 01:43:58,054
- Jesus Christ!
1402
01:43:59,533 --> 01:44:00,898
Do you know what a march battalion is?
1403
01:44:02,169 --> 01:44:03,602
- March bat.
1404
01:44:04,071 --> 01:44:05,936
March co is march company.
1405
01:44:06,406 --> 01:44:07,964
We shorten it like that.
1406
01:44:08,208 --> 01:44:09,641
- Get ready then!
1407
01:44:09,910 --> 01:44:12,811
We'll soon be off
in our march battalions to the front.
1408
01:44:13,046 --> 01:44:14,479
Are you happy?
1409
01:44:14,581 --> 01:44:18,415
- Lieutenant, it'll be magnificent!
1410
01:44:20,053 --> 01:44:23,022
When we fall together
1411
01:44:23,724 --> 01:44:28,286
for the Emperor and his family.
1412
01:44:30,697 --> 01:44:34,633
End of part one
111913
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