All language subtitles for 30 Rock - 07x00 - A One-Time Special.PCOK.WEB-DL-monkee.English.HI.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -

LIZ: Ugh.

Really?

You don't need a mask, hotshot?

MAN: Facebook says masks
make the virus worse.

LIZ: Facebook also says my
cousin's marriage is good. It's not.

MAN: We're in an open-air system.

Gravity makes the droplets come down.

LIZ: Whoa, let me find a
pen to write all this down.

I didn't know the world's
foremost epidemiologist

also crushed laser
tag at Rich's birthday.

MAN: If you're so scared,
why are you out here?

LIZ: Because my family have asked

for some alone time from me.

MAN: Ugh.

LIZ: You scared of the virus now?

- How about now?
- MAN: I already had corona.

I was on my way to donate plasma.

LIZ: Boom! Another successful
interaction with a man.

I'm home.

Ooh!

[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]

Hello?

JACK: Did you get my muffins, Lemon?

LIZ: Mmm, they're so good.

What fancy place are they from?

JACK: They're Shoppe Ennuié.

LIZ: Am I tasting pear and bacon?

JACK: I don't know what's
already in your mouth, Lemon,

but listen, Kenneth
Parcell emailed me today.

LIZ: Ugh, why? Is he having another one

of those zoop zort
virtual cocktail parties

where everyone talks at the same time

and the camera makes
me look like Weird Al?

JACK: No, he wants to
reboot "TGS" for Peacock.

It's NBC's amazing
new streaming platform

where all of NBC's hit comedies
from the past 93 years

will be available.

LIZ: Wow, even "Friend"...

- [SLAP]
- Ow! How did you slap me?

JACK: I have the iPhone
40. Now, you do know

that Kenneth Parcell is the chairman

of all of NBC Universal, right?

LIZ: I guess I kind of remember that.

JACK: You're the next president

of the National Broadcasting Company.

He's a very big deal.

Kenneth is presenting all of
NBC Universal's new content

to advertisers tomorrow.

The stakes have literally
never been higher.

He's got to sell a full
year of ads in one meeting.

Thank God it's him.

And thank God advertisers
are some of the smartest

and most physically attractive people

this industry's ever seen.

LIZ: I don't know that
I'd want to reboot "TGS".

I do not miss the long hours

and dealing with big personalities.

I've just been enjoying
being home with my teenagers

and reading more. Hey!

If your arms are that strong,
you could fold some towels.

Making TV just doesn't seem
that important right now.

JACK: I disagree, Lemon.
This is the time

for all Americans to do their duty

to get the economy back on track.

"TGS" employed dozens of
otherwise unemployable people.

LIZ: True.

JACK: I need you to get
the band back together.

LIZ: [SIGHS] Okay, I'll try.

I mean, I haven't really spoken to Tracy

since he moved to Canada.

And maybe we should replace Jenna?

She's pretty cancelled
every since she pooped

- in Mandy Moore's thermos.
- JACK: Good by me.

I've always felt that
Jenna was replaceable.

I'll set a call with
some top tier women.

There are some incredibly talented gente

at Telemundo and USA.

So many hijos can move their faces.

Oh, there's a wonderful actress on Syfy.

Are you open to working
with a Falrudian?

- LIZ: Am I?
- JACK: She has a human face

but an exposed brain.

There's really something for
everyone at NBC Universal.

So, I'm wondering if you
guys want to come back

and write for a reboot of "TGS".

I mean, if you're not already
working someplace else.

FRANK: Yeah, dude, I'm available.

I was consulting at "Peppa Pig",

but they wouldn't let me
keep my porn collection there.

I told them my old boss Liz Lemon

didn't care about keeping
a "safe work environment".

LIZ: Cool, cool, and you
used my full name. Great.

Toofer, are you available?

TOOFER: I refuse to
be called that anymore.

LIZ: Yep, of course. I am so sorry.

James. James.

JAMES: Thank you.

I'm more of a screenwriter now.

You may be familiar. I wrote
"A Prince for Christmas"

and "A Christmas Prince" and
"Two Princes, One Christmas".

But Hallmark pays me in
ornaments, so I am in.

- LIZ: Great.
- LUTZ: I'm a soft yes.

I would just want to be assured that...

LIZ: Shut up, Lutz. You're doing it.

SUE: Come back to bed, my love.

LIZ: Wait, is that Sue?

Do you live with Sue?

Oh, boy. You guys are really...

tender with each other. Okay.

Leave meeting. End meeting for all.

- God, who is the host?
- LUTZ: I'm the host.

Enjoy.

FRANK: Touch his butt.

JONATHAN: So funny that you would think

I was still doing assistant work.

LIZ: Well, Jack wanted me to ask.

JONATHAN: I produce horror
movies from Blumhouse now, Liz.

- LIZ: Wow.
- JONATHAN: Yeah.

After 7 years with you, I know horror.

Maybe you've heard of the Lers trilogy.

It's about a 4-eyed
monster called the Lers

who thinks she's funny,

and if you look at
her feet, you explode.

LIZ: Well, the joke's on you

because I'm writing a short
story about a mean little creep

who can't fly so he eats birds.

Okay, whatever, I guess a
lot of people eat birds, so.

Jack loves me more than you.

JONATHAN: Seeing where
you live makes me sad.

LIZ: So what do you
think, hotshot, you in?

PETE: I mean, I guess I
would come back to "TGS",

but it would be very different.

I'm living my truth now.

You ever hear of [INDISTINCT], Liz?

If so, do you know how to spell it?

I've been trying to Google it.

LIZ: Well, I'm glad you're happy.

I mean, you look...

I assume Paula and
the kids have left you?

PETE: Left me? Heck...

PAULA: No, I'm into it, Liz.

I'm finally into it.

LIZ: Okay, great.

That takes care of the
writing and producing staff.

Now I just have to call the actors.

PETE: Ugh. Good luck.

PAULA: [SHRIEKS] Bring your guitar.

LIZ: So we are just looking
for someone super likeable

and talented to replace
our original actress.

Are you familiar with the show, "TGS"?

SOFIA: I don't really
watch TV. I'm more a reader.

LIZ: Well, it's comedy
sketches, some topical.

We had some recurring characters
that you probably heard of...

Fart Doctor, Robot Bear Talk Show,

Tike Myson, Baby Boxer.

SOFIA: No, no, no, I
don't want to do this.

LIZ: No, of course. Why would you?

Thank you for your time.

And you're great live, I know,

'cause I've seen you with
Andrew Cohen on his program.

KANDI: What happened to that blonde lady

that used to be on it?

LIZ: Um, she pooped in
Mandy Moore's thermos.

KANDI: Oh, yeah, she's a monster.

I'm not touching her old job.

LIZ: And I think you
would be amazing at it.

I've always thought you were the
funniest person in your family.

KHLOE: No, I am. So if I do this,

would I be able to
write my own material?

Because I do some
really funny impressions.

This one is Dandy, my
dog's business manager.

"Hey, Khloe, how are you? You good?"

LIZ: Ha ha ha! It's so wonderful.

- I would love...
- JENNA: Aah!

LIZ: Aah! Oh, my god, Jenna.

JENNA: How dare you
try and replace me, Liz.

I am "TGS".

LIZ: When did you learn
how to Zoom-bomb?

JENNA: Last month, so
I could give surprise

unrequested graduation speeches.

To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson,

"If everyone reading this donated $3.00,

we could keep Wikipedia
thriving for years to come".

- KHLOE: Wow.
- JENNA: I need to perform, Liz.

Science has shown that quarantine

was hardest on hot extroverts.

Every night at 7:00, I open my window

and pretend they're clapping for me.

KHLOE: That's really sad.

JENNA: Yes, thank you, Khloe.

It is sad.

I've had to create my own
opportunities to be seen.

One thing I love to cook for my baby

is pee-za.

You just chop up some bread.

Top it with chez.

And yum! Yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum.

[SPITS] Oh, it's so good.

And I was supposed to be
in that "Imagine" video,

but they said I started too high.

♪ Imagine there's ♪

KHLOE: How am I seeing these flashbacks?

JENNA: No one will work with me, Liz,

ever since this ridiculous
misunderstanding with Mandy,

which I apologized for.

LIZ: Yeah, I think your
apology made it worse.

JENNA: I want to very sincerely say

that I do not remember
ever [BLEEP] in any thermos,

let alone one as incredible as Mandy's.

You know, the late 2010s
was a very different time.

It saddens me that what was
supposed to be a great night

celebrating diabetes was ruined
by Mandy talking about this.

Until I feel safe, I
will be taking a break

from social media.

I hope you're all happy!

KHLOE: Oh, you're that lady?

Oh, I can't be on this call with you.

- LIZ: No, Khloe.
- JENNA: You see that, Liz?

I'm in famous person jail.

LIZ: I had a Kardashian in the boat.

JENNA: Sure, Tracy crashes his
yacht into Mario Cuomo Bridge,

but I'm the terrible one.

LIZ: In his defense, he
was trying to touch it.

He had a dream that it wasn't real.

LIZ: I bet Jack said to
replace me, didn't he?

He thinks he can throw me
away now that I'm 35... 5-5-5.

LIZ: No, he is not
the one who said that.

JENNA: If people could
just be reminded, Liz,

of how talented I am, they'd
let me back into show business.

Otherwise, I'm gonna be forced to

like adopt a kid or something.

LIZ: Okay, no, don't do that.
You can be in the reboot.

JENNA: Oh, thank you,
Liz. You won't regret this.

Also, I refuse to work Wednesdays

for skin care reasons.

LIZ: [SIGHS] Yeah.

Okay, time to call Tracy.

I'm not gonna procrastinate.

Maybe I'll just check
the news real quick.

Stephanie Ruhle, hop over to
David Faber and Jim Cramer,

maybe stream a little
last night's Rachel Maddow.

I want to feel informed but
nervous but also yelled at.

Then I'll be ready to talk to Tracy.

This is my pool table
with the Moray Eel ***.

I don't know how it got in there,

but it seems to be thriving.

LIZ: Your house is beautiful, Trey.

Should I try to guess
why you moved to Canada?

TRACY: Because I'm too rich to live

on a less majestic
side of Niagara Falls.

LIZ: Huh. That was not my guess.

So would you like to do "TGS" again?

TRACY: No, no. I'm done
with acting, Elizabeth.

Did I mention to you
I'm Canadian now? Aboot.

LIZ: What, you've got like 4
movies coming out this summer.

TRACY: Ah, they make those without me.

I read the whole dictionary
in front of a green screen.

Now a computer can
make any movie it wants.

Zucchini, zulu, zy-goatee.

- MAN: Zygote.
- TRACY: My bad.

Back to one.

Aardvark.

Abacus.

I've been able to accomplish so much

since I stopped acting.

I've alphabetized my records,

I participated in a chili cook-off.

And you know I got a silver
medal in race walking, right?

ANNOUNCER: Inspiring story here.

Jordan first started race walking

after picking up regular
walking in his late thirties.

TRACY: You know what my secret
to race walking is, Liz Lemon?

I just run as fast as I can.

LIZ: Okay, I get it.

You don't want to do TV. It's fine.

I'll just call Kevin
Hart or George Lopez.

TRACY: Slow down, Lizzo.
That's just my process.

- I'm a perfectionary.
- LIZ: I remember.

TRACY: How do I know you
can still write for me?

I'll start a sentence and you finish it.

- LIZ: Oh, boy.
- TRACY: The best thing about

swimming with dolphins is...

LIZ: Pranking their
friends by pretending

to be a very ugly mermaid.

TRACY: Correct. Now topical.

Mitch McConnell's neck looks like...

LIZ: My Aunt Beryl's ankle under
water at the community pool?

TRACY: Mmm, two for two.

I got my wife a tattoo and it says...

LIZ: "If lost, please
return to the bitch museum".

TRACY: Ha ha ha!

I was gonna say, "Love reveals truth",

but yours is hilarious.

Okay, I'll re-aboot the show.

LIZ: Great. Thank you, Tracy.

TRACY: But due to pending lawsuits,

I can't open my eyes on TV.

Maybe we can draw some fake ones on.

Hey, I'm not a producer.

LIZ: Uh, okay.

Ooh.

VIVICA: Mr. Parcell, your
calendar says you have

a Zoom call with something
called "TGS" right now.

KENNETH: Thank you, Vivica.

You can go, Vivica.

[ALL GREETING AT ONCE]

- PETE: Hey, Kenneth.
- JACK: Kenneth,

I'm pleased to say that the "TGS" cast

and crew are ready to
accept your reboot offer.

JENNA: We're so excited.

But I do have a problem
with my dressing room,

which is here in my home, so I
need you to buy me a new home.

TRACY: Also, these are the eyes
that I'll be using, Kenneth.

KENNETH: So you do know
how to use a Zoom link.

That's so interesting
because for the past 4 months,

I have been trying to check on you all

and you've just been
ignoring my many invites.

LIZ: Oh, I've missed those somehow.

KENNETH: I've printed
out all the emails.

"TGS" reunion cocktail party.

"TGS" reunion trivia night.

Happy 50th birthday, Liz.

And most hurtfully,
Kenneth's roaring twenties

murder mystery party,

which was only attended by Mr. Griswold.

Say, jazz babies, the
clock is striking 10:00.

Guests should be here in
two shakes of a lamb's tail.

GRIZZ: I don't think
anybody else is coming, Ken.

Also, Liz just texted me.

She was the murderer.

KENNETH: Ugh! Nuts!

This was a test.

And congratulations.

You all tested
negative... for friendship.

- LIZ: [GROANS]
- JACK: Kenneth, I'm not following

what's happening here.
Is there a reboot or not?

KENNETH: Not. You think I need "TGS"?

Do you know how many amazing
shows I have on Peacock alone,

a dynamic new platform
that will leverage NBCU's

unmatched ability to combine
the best of television

with the best of streaming,
delivering a vast library

of content that includes both
the timely and the timeless?

- LIZ: What does that even mean?
- KENNETH: Gah!

Watch this video.

Very nice job, bro.

PETE: Wow, I can get
all those "Frasier" s?

FRANK: Will the films contain
all their original nudity?

JENNA: I'll play a sexy
serial killer on any of those,

including the news and European soccer.

KENNETH: Yes, yes, and no thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a lot of cool new

NBC friends to hang out with,

like Mr. Dwayne Johnson

and Mr. Alfredo Roker.

FRANK: Whoa! It's The Rock!

LUTZ: Whoa! It's Al Roker!

DWAYNE: Damn, Kenneth, look at you.

You trying to beat me
for sexiest man alive?

AL: Thanks for having me. I loved

waiting around to be part of this.

JENNA: Dwayne, it's me... Jenna Maroney.

I would just like to
apologize for what I

tweeted about "Moana".

JAMES: Kenneth, Kenneth,
do you need another

story editor on "This is Us"?

I had an idea that they
are sad in the nineties.

FRANK: Wait, wait, it's important.

Can you Venmo me $100? It's for a hat.

PETE: Fine. Kick me off.

I'm too hip for this
anyway. Rock and ro...

TRACY: No need, Kenneth.

I'll bloop myself. Bloop!

LIZ: Wait, Kenneth, I
can't have you mad at me.

It gives me stress diarrhea.

Kinda thought you were gonna
cut me off after "stress".

JACK: Don't you dare bloop me, Kenneth.

I'm Jack Donaghy. I bloop
you, you tiny-toothed...

AL: Uh, are we done, 'cause

I've gotta go make the weather.

I... I mean, I've gotta
go report the weather.

VIVICA: I'm having a bad day, too.

Roderick doesn't know if he
wants to get married anymore.

He says he can tell something
in my heart has changed.

KENNETH: Uh, okay.

TED: TV show.

Looks like someone knows

his charades gestures.

ANDY: Two words. "New Amsterdam".

"Chicago Fire". "Chicago Med".

"Chicago Pizza". "Chicago Kardashian".

ANDY: First word! Also, I see

you're wearing the sweater I sent you.

It looks great. Mazel.

KATE: Little word. Off. Beach.

MARIO: Nice, Kate del Castillo.

Oh, I'm making so many
new friends tonight,

all thanks to you, Mr. P.

AL: Really just an
impressive level of play.

TED: Uh...

MARY: Singing. "Zoey's
Extraordinary Playlist".

TED: No, it starts with "The", Mary.

It's two words. Sorry, Kenneth.

THE MIZ: Is it The Miz?

HODA: "The Voice". "The Voice".

[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER]

TODD: You were close. I
love you, Cousin Kenneth.

HODA: Kenneth.

KENNETH: You guys are having fun, right?

TED: Are you kidding, Mr. Parcell?

Mary and I are so tired
of walking on the beach

and seeing our grandkids.

KENNETH: Okay. I hope
you're being honest

and this isn't some big charade.

[LAUGHTER]

MARY: Funniest NBC chairman ever!

ANDY: Great joke.

TED: You should've played Sam Malone.

MARY: You should've!

VIVICA: Excuse me, Mr. Parcell,

there's a Jack Donaghy
on your home line.

KENNETH: Tell him I'm out of pocket.

Vivica, would you watch

any of these people on television?

Do you think I chose
good shows this year?

VIVICA: Of course. You're a genius.

KENNETH: Really? Even
"Merlin: The Teenage Years"?

VIVICA: Oh, absolutely.

KENNETH: I didn't choose Merlin, Vivica.

It was an either/or with "Dracula P.D".

and now I'm second-guessing it.

Please, just leave me alone.

TRACY: ♪ O Canada ♪

♪ Glorious and free ♪

♪ O Canada, we stand on guard for thee ♪

- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Hello?

JENNA: Tracy, it's Jenna.
I've been thinking.

TRACY: And now your head feels hot?

It's normal. Eat two popsicles

and call me from the ocean.

JENNA: Wait. Tracy, I've been thinking.

We don't need "TGS" to make a comeback.

We can do it on our own.

We've always been a perfect team.

TRACY: Like peanut butter and dog pills.

JENNA: And I really need people to focus

on my talent right now

and forget everything else about me.

TRACY: Go ahead. I'm nodding.

JENNA: Well, Kenneth
won't take my calls,

but maybe if you call him,

we can pitch something together.

Maybe a show about a hot teen

and a grouchy, old basketball coach.

TRACY: Uh-uh. You'd be awesome
as a basketball coach,

but I don't perform anymore.

I've evolved.

JENNA: No. Tracy, you don't understand.

I need your help. I'm a pariah.

TRACY: Pariahs are awesome.

I have a bunch of them in my aquarium.

Well, I only have one now.

JENNA: No, Tracy, I'm blacklisted.

TRACY: I have a black list, too.

A chalkboard, a Puma, a black crayon,

space, me, a Batmobile.

JENNA: No, Tracy, I mean people hate me.

But if someone as
incredibly beloved as you

would agree to work with me,

I could get my life back.

TRACY: I'm sorry, Jenna,
but working with you

is like the beginning of this sentence.

It's in the past and
I don't remember her.

JENNA: But Tracy.

TRACY: Never go backwards, Jenna.

That's the first rule of race walking.

Second rule... always be farting.

JENNA: Always be farting.

- LIZ: ♪ Workin'... ♪
- [CELL PHONE BUZZES]

Whew. That was almost expensive.

- JACK: Lemon, it's Jack.
- LIZ: I can see you.

You know I can see you, right?

JACK: I'm not pleased with how that call

with Kenneth went earlier.

I give it a 10 on the Iacocca McDuck

business interaction scale.

LIZ: And 10 is bad?

JACK: It's out of a billion, so, yes,

10 is bad, Lemon.

If you recall, I once told you...

5 years, we'll all either
be working for him...

or be dead by his hand.

LIZ: Well, it's been more than 5 years.

Wait, are we ghosts?

JACK: Now he won't take my calls.

And his assistant tells
me he's in a meeting.

Do you know Vivica? Beautiful woman,

but there's a sadness there.

I sent Kenneth an all-chick
pea Edible Arrangement.

I hired a skywriter asking Kenneth

to please skywrite me back.

- Nothing.
- LIZ: See, this is exactly

what I don't miss about television...

all the fragile egos and hand-holding.

JACK: I do miss it, though, Lemon.

LIZ: Seriously?

- JACK: You know those muffins I sent you?
- LEMON: Yes.

Many of them are left.

JACK: I made them.

God help me, I made them from scratch.

- LIZ: Ohh.
- JACK: That's how bored I am.

I hate being retired. Did you know that

golf is actually... [WHISPERS] awful?

LIZ: It is hard to imagine
you doing nothing all day.

JACK: It's so much worse than that.

I read, I garden, I go down to the beach

and punch the sand, the
surf drowning out my screams.

LIZ: Yeah. I'm kind of a
failure at staying home, too.

I worked out once. I
never know what day it is,

so, I just call every day "Blarsday".

I signed up for MasterClass,

but I only watched the first 10 minutes

of that Penn and Teller one.

I mean, I can do this.

JACK: I did a lot in my career.

I pioneered the clear dishwasher.

I disrupted the turbine industry

with my turbine-sharing app.

At Davos, they named
a handshake after me.

But my time in television
was special, Lemon.

To borrow a phrase, it was the funnest.

LIZ: Wow. So you want to make
up with Kenneth because...

JACK: Because I want
him to give me a job!

I'll take anything, Lemon.

Head of patriotism at USA.

Chief of hysteria management at Oxygen.

Her Majesty's chancellor
of telly at Sky News.

LIZ: You're calling me because...

JACK: Because you're good
at handling crazy people, Lemon.

Kenneth is not acting
like a businessman.

He's acting like one
of your primae donnae.

That's the plural.

I taught myself Italian last night.

LIZ: Okay, so, back in the day

when Tracy wouldn't answer his phone,

I would just go on Google Maps

and find the closest Bugatti dealership.

He would be there, and
when Jenna would cry

because she wasn't
getting on the show enough,

I would get the whole crew to sing

"Paradise City", but we
would change the words

to "Jenna is pretty".

Okay. I know what we
have to do with Kenneth.

I mean, we know where
he's gonna be tomorrow.

JACK: Imagine if you had used your brain

for something worthwhile.

LIZ: Ew. Bye.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

JENNA: Thank you. I am New York strong.

MAN: We told you! This isn't for you!

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

JENNA: Uhh. Liz.

LIZ: Hey, I'm organizing
something nice for Kenneth.

Can you teach me how to Zoom-bomb?

JENNA: No, Liz, that's my thing.

LIZ: What if I told you
I could get you singing

in a roomful of advertisers,
TV executives,

and Universal celebrities?

JENNA: Even The Miz?

LIZ: Even Mandy Moore,

and she won't be able to talk.

JENNA: Oh, Liz, dreams
really do come true.

This'll be my personal Tokyo 2021.

Tokyo 2021!

MAN: It's still called Tokyo 2020.

People already ordered the merch!

Right, right that's what
the Olympics is like.

You'd love it. There's so much swimming.

It's about coming together
and working as a team.

Setting aside our differences.
Celebrating humanity.

I know. What kind of Olympian am I?

Ignoring Kenneth. Rejecting Jenna.

Screaming "shut up" in my head

every time Liz Lemon is talking to me.

- Gotta make it up to them.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh, good. Liz Lemon is calling me.

Shut up! I mean, hello. [MOUTHING WORDS]

VIVICA: All right, Mr. Parcell,

all 3,000 participants are signed on.

The WebEx goes live in
one minute and 20 seconds.

As you know, Jimmy
Fallon will introduce you,

and then you will be
presenting the NBC Universal

slate of shows to potential advertisers.

KENNETH: Vivica, stop telling me things

I already know!

I'm very sorry. I'm so nervous.

Will you help me with my tie?

VIVICA: Are we doing this?

KENNETH: For the last time,

you are stunningly beautiful,

but my job comes first,
so I will never cross that line.

Television is too important.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Fallon!

JIMMY: Good morning, everyone,
and welcome to the 2020

NBC Universal Ad Sales Presentation.

Normally, we do this as a big party

at Radio City Music Hall, but this year,

we're at Couch City Music Hallway.

- [CLICK]
- [RECORDED LAUGHTER PLAYS]

Sorry, guys. My writers and I
are pretty depressed.

Science has shown this
quarantine is hardest

on hot extroverts.

Ahem. Anyway, we have an
amazing event for you today.

NBC Universal has it all,

and we're blowing up
the old advertising.

Sales messages don't need
to be an interruption.

We're gonna find ways to make your...

MAN: Dog food...

insurance... type 2 diabetes medication.

JIMMY: a seamless part of the story.

Now please welcome an amazing person...

our NBC Universal chairman
for the past 6 years,

Mr. Kenneth Parcell.

KENNETH: Thank you, Jiminy.

Welcome, television lovers,

and welcome, advertisers.

I'm Kenneth Ellen Parcell.

I'm not named after the
famous talk show host,

but we do share a barber.

Hold for smiles.

Wait till you see the programs

we have for you today.

Drama, news, sports,

Spanish-language originals,

and of course...

[PEOPLE TALKING AT ONCE]

JENNA: Hey, suits.
We're the "TGS" bunch,

and we're interrupting this presentation

'cause there's something we need to sing

to our friend Kenneth.

♪ It's the story of
a boy named Kenneth ♪

TRACY: ♪ And he was all alone ♪

LIZ: No, Tracy, too soon.

♪ Who was bringing up
some very valid concerns ♪

♪ That his friends were being mean ♪

- Jack, that's you.
- JACK: I'm not going to

sing to you, Kenneth.

I'm not going to debase myself.

LIZ: Then why did you
rehearse with us for an hour?

JACK: I want to work for you, Kenneth.

I know I can be an asset.

But what you did to us
yesterday was uncalled for.

KENNETH: Please excuse
us, advertisers, as

we address a technical difficulty.

In the meantime, please
enjoy this trailer

from our newest "Law
and Order" spinoff...

"SVU 2: Just the Paperwork".

TRACY: Is this purgatory?

KENNETH: This is a private room

where the advertisers and other talent

cannot hear us.

LIZ: Wow. I didn't know you could

make a private room in WebEx.

TRACY AND JACK: Every club
has a private room, Liz.

- JENNA: Duh.
- KENNETH: Ms. Lemon,

Mr. Donaghy, I cannot believe

you interrupted the most important

day of the television calendar

to serenade me with the theme song

of an ABC show!

You embarrassed me in front of

the people from Target
and Dove and Toyota

and Wayfair.com and Apple and Humira

and the Almond Growing Council

and anyone else who would
like to be on this list.

JACK: Stop acting like a baby, Parcell.

You're the chairman of the greatest

media company in the world.

You run a film studio

and 4 Hogwarts, for crying out loud.

Punishing us yesterday was beneath you.

LIZ: Yeah, I mean, I'm sorry

I didn't come to your parties, Kenneth,

but what did you expect?

I'm homeschooling two
kids who kind of hate me,

I got a husband who wants
to do kissing constantly.

It's a nightmare. Also,

no one is telling you this,

but you're too tan.

It's not safe and you look like

a plastic bear full of honey.

KENNETH: Huh. Maybe I didn't

expect to have fun with you.

Maybe you all being mean to me

is the friendship I've been missing.

TRACY: Story time. Explain.

KENNETH: I've been surrounded
by yes persons for years.

Nobody tells me the truth anymore.

Ugh. I really could've used

your brutal honesty last night,

but it's too late.

The presentation has already started.

TRACY: I'll do your
presentation for you, Ken.

'Cause to tell the truth,

I miss being a part of a team,

and I don't want to be Canadian anymore.

The coffee's too weak.

So, me and Jenna got this covered.

JENNA: Wait. You're taking me with you?

TRACY: People need to be reminded

that you're not just
some horrible white lady

that everyone hates.

You also sing sometimes.

JENNA: Thank you, Tracy. I feel seen.

TRACY: Text me your
talking points, Kenny-hana.

KENNETH: Thank you, Mr. Jordan.

I trust you implicitly.

TRACY: Loop us to the other side.

KENNETH: Mr. Donaghy, Ms.
Lemon, time is of the essence.

I'd like to show you a
preview of the shows that

I personally chose this year,

- and I don't want you to hold anything back.
- Uhh.

LIZ: I don't know, Kenneth.
I've already hurt your feelings

so much this week.

JACK: Of course we can do
Kenneth this courtesy, Lemon.

I taught a seminar on non-participatory
fault finding at Wharton,

and unsolicited opinions
are all your garden grows.

KENNETH: Vivica, do that thing
that makes my screen share.

VIVICA: It must be glorious
when he shines his light on you.

TRACY: As the largest
media company in the world,

you have the biggest and the
most game-changing events,

from the Olympics to the election

to the launch of Peacock.

These global events will unite audiences

and transform the face of our company

and the entire industry.

I know you know what I'm
talking about, Linda Yaccaranio.

The future of advertising
isn't impression,

it's impact.

KENNETH: Okay, here it is.

I beg you, Mr. Donaghy and Ms. Lemon,

give me your harshest criticisms.

KEENAN: So, what do you think?

LIZ: Kenneth, those shows...

are amazing!

I wouldn't change a thing.

KENNETH: Really? You like them?

Even the one where the doctors have

troubled workplace relationships?

- LIZ: Especially that one.
- KENNETH: [LAUGHS]

JACK: Parcell, you're the best
damn TV executive I've ever known.

LIZ: I can't believe I doubted
whether TV still mattered.

Making TV is horrible, but
watching TV is wonderful.

Thank you, Kenneth.

KENNETH: And thank
you, my oldest friends.

Also, I've known you a long time.

Ha ha ha!

JACK: Did he freeze or what?

LIZ: No, he's just that happy.

TRACY: One platform, your ad dollars

reaching the exact
person you want to reach,

whether they're watching
"Betty en New York" on Telemundo

or classic "Frasier" on Peacock

or a long music video for Joe
Scarborough's band on MSNBC.

No other company can
bring you this approach.

No other company can bring
you this level of talent.

Now my friend Jenna Maroney

is gonna remind us
of how talented she is

and end our presentation

by singing the NBC Universal anthem.

- JENNA: The what?
- GWEN: Wait a minute,

this was like all planned.

I was supposed to sing
"Sweet Escape" at the end.

JENNA: Oh, sorry, Gwen, you're muted.

You're muted, honey.

GWEN: [NO AUDIO]

JENNA: ♪ Watching, watching, watching ♪

♪ You've been waiting,
waiting, waiting ♪

♪ For something to blow your mind ♪

Well, it's here.

♪ Hopin', hopin', hopin' ♪

♪ While we've been innovating ♪

♪ Where should you buy your ads? ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ It's so clear ♪

♪ Joy ♪

♪ Is Universal ♪

♪ Fun ♪

♪ Is Universal ♪

♪ Awesome ♪

♪ Is Universal ♪

♪ Some phone chargers are Universal ♪

♪ Say it enough and it's true ♪

♪ Mandy Moore forgives me ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Love is Universal ♪

JENNA: Mandy Moore forgives me.

TRACY: Mandy Moore, sing
that part or your fired

and your show is cancelled.

MANDY: Wait, what?
♪ Mandy Moore forgives you ♪

JENNA: Thank you, Mandy,
and I forgive you, too.

TRACY: Gwen Stefani, hit me with a riff.

GWEN: ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

JENNA: Oh, sweetie, honey, I'm so sorry,

you're still muted.

♪ Universal is everything ♪

♪ Universal is love ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Joy is Universal,
love is Universal ♪

♪ Awesome's Universal,
everything's Universal ♪

JENNA: ♪ Universal is love ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

I'm back.

CHORUS: ♪ Jenna is back ♪

LIZ: It's nice to pretend
to be in your office.

JACK: A great day for television, Lemon.

LIZ: To a new Golden Age.

Take this mid to late 2000s.

Ew, this apple juice has turned.

JACK: I see that your virtual background

is a giant sandwich. How surprising.

LIZ: Virtual, yes.

So you're really planning
on going back to work?

JACK: Abso-smurfly.
That's an inside joke

from the Bohemian girl of the summer.

Colin Powell was... you had to be there.

Parcell actually called me
after the presentation today.

Kenneth wants me to run Peahen,

NBC's new female-ccentric
streaming service.

LIZ: Huh, Kenneth
actually called me, too.

He asked me to write the pilot

for a pitch that he bought today.

It's about two sexy
teen basketball coaches

who cause crimes.

JACK: The best ideas
are always the simplest.

By the way, the Peahen advertisers'

sales meeting is next week.

I'd love it if you'd write my remarks.

LIZ: Seriously, Jack? No.

I'm an artist, not a
shill for the network.

I don't do industrials.

- [DING]
- Ow!

Why did that hurt? Ah!

Chris, come kiss my eye.

CHRIS: Coming, beloved.

LIZ: Oh, god.

Ahh, really? Still?

[ROAR]

TRACY: I am cool
scientist doctor zucchini.

Welcome to Jurassic Green Book.

[DINOSAUR ROARS]

MAN: Uh, after this.

V29B, take one.

Camera roll, Liz 2.

TRACY: Ready? This is the money shot.

ALEC: Uh, can you hear me?

Sweetie, you can't talk
while we're rolling here, okay?

What are you doing? Can't you tell?

When I talk to you, I sound real.

When I'm acting, I sound
really bad and fake.

- Oh, I sound the same?
- [DOG BARKS]

You let Diego out?
Great. Diego's coming out.

Let's do 22 episodes like this.

Hold on!

TINA: [LAUGHS]

Hold on guys, I'm getting
a call from Spam Risk.

That's my agent.

- BOY: That one was really good.
- JANE: Oh, thank God.

- BOY: That one was the best one.
- JANE: Okay, thank...

I have a critic under my table.

I'm gonna show you this camera.

So can you see, we have all of this.

Then we pan down to see this.

And then being amazing.

[WOMAN'S VOICE BREAKING UP]

JACK: I'm sorry, our
connection makes it sound

like you're a dying robot.

TRACY: Alphabet to the... All right.

I got it. Got you. All right.

Aardvark. Aardvark! Aardvark!

Aardvark. Aardvark!

ALEC: I've missed speaking in adult
sentences for quite a while now.

JANE: ♪ Da da da da! ♪

- CHILD: Good night, everybody.
- SECOND CHILD: Good night.

- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -