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1
00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:12,213
- I'm sure
you're all wondering
2
00:00:12,245 --> 00:00:14,305
why I'm not up for
"Most Likely to Succeed."
3
00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:17,677
As editor of this paper,
I had to recuse myself.
4
00:00:17,717 --> 00:00:19,287
- I got nominated
for "Whitest."
5
00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:21,589
Is that bad?
It's not, right?
6
00:00:21,621 --> 00:00:23,461
- How could it be bad,
you know?
7
00:00:23,490 --> 00:00:26,130
I mean, look at how cool
the sword you're drawing is.
8
00:00:26,159 --> 00:00:28,429
- It's not just any sword.
It's Excalibur,
9
00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:30,401
the most famous sword
of all time.
10
00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:45,679
Ohh...
11
00:00:48,648 --> 00:00:52,348
- Should we be starting
to shut up now, Boss?
12
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,260
- One, two, three, four!
13
00:00:55,288 --> 00:00:57,588
- ? Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ?
14
00:00:57,624 --> 00:01:00,464
? Next time,
well, I'll be smart ?
15
00:01:00,493 --> 00:01:07,403
?
16
00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:16,384
?
17
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:18,509
- I'm up for "Most Original,"
18
00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:21,575
the category formerly known as
"Biggest Freak."
19
00:01:21,614 --> 00:01:23,354
- Eduardo and I
have been nominated
20
00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:25,253
for "Best Friends" again
21
00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:28,285
but we don't need a trophy
to confirm our bond.
22
00:01:28,321 --> 00:01:29,691
- Yeah, that's 'cause
you know you're gonna lose
23
00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:32,263
to Ashley Dorfman
and Amanda Jackson.
24
00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:35,462
- Ashlanda!
Ugh, love them.
25
00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:37,655
- I didn't get nominated
for anything.
26
00:01:37,697 --> 00:01:39,527
- Me neither.
27
00:01:39,566 --> 00:01:42,236
But Craig Donovan made the list
for "Best Singer."
28
00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:44,198
Sure, if you like a tenor
who pushes!
29
00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:47,637
- These, uh, superlatives
will never matter.
30
00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,614
Nothing matters.
31
00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:52,552
We're all just rapidly
decaying meat bags
32
00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:54,249
we patch together
with duct tape
33
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,620
till the bottom falls out.
34
00:01:55,648 --> 00:01:59,318
- Is your meat bag okay,
Mr. G?
35
00:01:59,352 --> 00:02:01,592
- Well, we'll find out
after my colonoscopy.
36
00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:03,791
I don't know if I have, like,
a family history of anything
37
00:02:03,823 --> 00:02:05,333
'cause I don't speak
to my dad.
38
00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:06,688
So to be safe,
39
00:02:06,726 --> 00:02:09,756
I gotta drink this muck
for 24 hours
40
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:12,396
then get my butt probed.
41
00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:14,702
- I'm surprised that you're
opening up to us, Mr. Griffin.
42
00:02:14,734 --> 00:02:16,574
- Yeah, well, you guys
don't count, you know.
43
00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:18,413
I'm hiding it from adults,
44
00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:19,838
people who don't play
Pogs all day
45
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:22,443
while wondering
who shot Mr. Burns.
46
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,635
- It's clear from your tone
that we've been savaged.
47
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,678
But I wonder if you could do it
again with updated references.
48
00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:29,254
- I cannot.
49
00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:30,452
And now...
50
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:32,685
I must leave you.
51
00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:37,619
- Buckle up, people.
52
00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,627
Amanda and Ashley
have had a fight!
53
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,389
They're off the ballot.
54
00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:43,398
- This could be
our year!
55
00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:46,400
We could go down
in Whitlock history.
56
00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:48,273
Secret handshake time?
57
00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:49,871
- Gimme
that knuckle candy.
58
00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,743
One, two, three.
59
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:56,510
- Hmm?
- I like his new boyfriend.
60
00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:59,553
- Hey, uh, Mary.
- Hey.
61
00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:01,649
- Do you remember
a few months back
62
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,551
when, uh, we made
your grandma believe
63
00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:05,723
that I was a firefighter
named Cash
64
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,552
and we were getting married
in a Catholic ceremony?
65
00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:09,617
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, um,
66
00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:11,656
you kinda owe me.
I need a ride.
67
00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:13,591
- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
68
00:03:13,626 --> 00:03:16,296
- Where do you need to go?
- Well, I don't wanna say.
69
00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:18,629
- Oh, hey, psst, I know
I'm not in this conversation,
70
00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:21,365
but why can't you
drive yourself?
71
00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:22,801
- I'm omitting that as well.
72
00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:24,496
- Oh.
- I'm obviously gonna know
73
00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:25,907
once we get to
the destination.
74
00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:27,809
Unless it's
a nondescript building.
75
00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:29,741
- It's a nondescript
building.
76
00:03:29,776 --> 00:03:31,506
- You know,
the more closed off you are,
77
00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:33,814
the more I just wanna
take my nails and just...
78
00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:35,777
pry you open.
79
00:03:35,815 --> 00:03:38,615
You're like that one
closed pistachio.
80
00:03:38,651 --> 00:03:41,321
- You know what happens
to the open pistachios?
81
00:03:41,354 --> 00:03:43,364
They get eaten.
82
00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:44,490
- Well, see, that's the point.
83
00:03:44,524 --> 00:03:46,534
- Let us eat you,
little pistachio.
84
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:48,799
- We will gain
your powers!
85
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:57,344
- Who do you think you are,
Ellen's DJ?
86
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:05,305
?
87
00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:26,397
?
88
00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:31,665
- Ralph, you look pretty!
89
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,665
Ooh, ya smell nice too.
90
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,377
- Oh, well, you look pretty
spiffy yourself.
91
00:04:35,408 --> 00:04:36,508
Is that a new shirt?
92
00:04:36,543 --> 00:04:38,813
- Oh, gosh, no, this is my
grandfather's favorite shirt.
93
00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:40,645
He was buried in it.
94
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,420
But then they reopened
the murder case, so-
95
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,979
- Ooh!
There you are!
96
00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:46,487
Hi, Helen, hi, Ralph!
97
00:04:46,519 --> 00:04:49,719
I like it, so I'm gonna
put a class ring on it.
98
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,985
- I better squeeze you!
- Oh, you better!
99
00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:57,528
How are you?
Look at your hair!
100
00:04:57,564 --> 00:04:58,974
- Hey, Marjorie, Marjorie,
101
00:04:58,998 --> 00:05:00,598
so weird you dropped by
102
00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:03,643
just as I...
was gettin' my twirl on!
103
00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:05,610
- Ralph, are those
devil sticks?
104
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:06,868
- Yep.
I got 'em in the divorce.
105
00:05:06,906 --> 00:05:08,606
I am as single
as a $1 bill.
106
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:09,941
- Mm!
- Mm-hmm.
107
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,746
- What is that wonderful scent
that I'm smelling?
108
00:05:12,779 --> 00:05:14,549
- Dark Temptation
XL Body Spray.
109
00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:16,751
- Ha ha!
I knew it was you.
110
00:05:16,783 --> 00:05:18,753
I'm gonna get that
for my mailman next Christmas.
111
00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:20,415
That is so yummy on you.
- Yeah, yeah.
112
00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:22,023
- Look at this.
- Ooh!
113
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,515
- Lookit. Lookit.
- Oh, I can tell.
114
00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:24,956
That looks like
something very special.
115
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:25,991
- It's so special.
- Uh-
116
00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:28,026
- What you are looking at
is a lock of hair
117
00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:29,901
of the legendary
118
00:05:29,929 --> 00:05:31,799
Weird Al Yankovic.
- Ooh.
119
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:33,801
- Marjorie, l-look,
this is a new trick.
120
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:35,943
I call this The Body Scan-
watch this.
121
00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:38,909
Whoa!
And then...yaaaah-
122
00:05:38,938 --> 00:05:41,038
Opa!
- Ooh! Ah, that was great!
123
00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:42,944
- Been workin' on it.
- I was in line
124
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,506
at JoAnn Fabrics,
125
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:47,684
and who walks up
but the Bard himself?
126
00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:49,524
So I cut a little bit
of his mane
127
00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:50,919
when he wasn't paying
attention.
128
00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:52,820
- Oh, wow!
129
00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:54,652
This has truly made my day.
130
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,618
- Oh, thank you.
Your hands have made my day.
131
00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:58,526
They're soft.
They're real soft.
132
00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:00,058
- Okay!
Well, I gotta go
133
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,033
and peddle my wares.
134
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:04,062
- Ah, it's so good.
135
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:06,597
- I didn't want that
to end.
136
00:06:09,602 --> 00:06:14,672
?
137
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:24,651
?
138
00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:28,456
- Here you go.
139
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,634
- Don't return forms
until they're fully complete.
140
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:35,960
- I-I prefer to discuss
some of these privately
141
00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:37,625
with the doctor.
- Excuse me,
142
00:06:37,664 --> 00:06:39,074
is this where
you donate the urine?
143
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:40,999
I'm a universal donor!
- What are you...doing?
144
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,844
What are you doing?
145
00:06:42,869 --> 00:06:44,839
- You should have told me
it was a doctor's appointment.
146
00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:47,711
I've got a great butt guy.
Well, he's not a doctor,
147
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,741
but he knows what
he's doin' back there.
148
00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:52,576
- Sir, your forms!
149
00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:54,112
First blank question.
150
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:56,117
When was your last
evacuation?
151
00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,819
- Oh, this-
- Yeah, when was that thing?
152
00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:58,921
- Come on, don't-
153
00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:00,652
- I think we'd all
like to know.
154
00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:02,717
- This morning,
on the drive over.
155
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,516
- What-at the gas station?
- Yep.
156
00:07:04,557 --> 00:07:05,727
- You said you were
157
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,559
buying gum, you little liar!
- I did buy gum!
158
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:08,864
Ma'am!
159
00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:10,825
Be quiet!
160
00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:12,874
Everything in this waiting room
161
00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:16,669
must be orderly.
162
00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:18,573
Select a crayon.
163
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:22,905
Draw your stool so that
I can get on with my day.
164
00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:25,582
- Draw it?
165
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:28,752
Oh, my God.
166
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,552
Hey.
167
00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:34,853
Hey, Mary, I'm actually
pretty glad that you're here.
168
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:37,658
Thanks for keeping this
a secret, so-
169
00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:39,861
Seacrest.
170
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,763
Ryan Seacrest.
171
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,095
- I would never
tell Seacrest.
172
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,700
- I mean, I think
he's got enough on his plate.
173
00:07:46,733 --> 00:07:48,903
You didn't
tell Lynette, did you?
174
00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:50,965
'Cause...I just want-
175
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:53,174
I just want my butt
to be romantic.
176
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:56,176
- No, for the 15th time,
I did not tell Lynette.
177
00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:58,139
- Okay, good.
178
00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:01,578
So you're the only one
that knows that-good.
179
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,023
- Knows what?
About your butt surgery?
180
00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:06,791
- Why is he face-up?
181
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,190
- Hey, no, no.
182
00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:13,091
No one else knowing...
my Seacrests...
183
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,703
- Can I ask you guys
a serious question?
184
00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,895
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
185
00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:25,107
- Is this where
the baby comes out?
186
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:27,843
- Errrr...pffft!
187
00:08:27,874 --> 00:08:29,884
You ladies
188
00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:31,679
are being very loud.
189
00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:32,911
- Ooh.
- Sorry.
190
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:35,046
- Only the patient's ride
needs to be in here.
191
00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:36,221
- No, actually,
we are the ride,
192
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:37,719
all three of us.
- Mm-hmm.
193
00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:39,721
- Well, maybe you'd be
more comfortable
194
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,793
waiting someplace
more appropriate
195
00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:44,161
like a McDonald's Play Place.
196
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:47,130
- Ooh, I know she did not
just tell this Burger Queen
197
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,800
to go to McDonald's.
198
00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:50,028
- Mm-mm.
- Mm-mm.
199
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:52,233
- You said something
about a lollipop.
200
00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:54,865
- Oh, there's our big guy!
- Aw.
201
00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:56,271
- Oh, are you okay?
202
00:08:56,302 --> 00:08:58,742
- No.
- You're with Mr. Griffin?
203
00:08:58,772 --> 00:08:59,712
- Yeah.
- I have some images
204
00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:00,969
from today's exam.
205
00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:02,807
- W-what-w-
206
00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:05,882
- So what you're looking at
is the ascending colon.
207
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:09,122
You're gonna see some swelling,
especially in that photo.
208
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,879
Pass that down and make sure
everyone sees it.
209
00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:12,947
- Everyone doesn't need
to see it, that's-
210
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,746
- Wait, but doctor,
why does this one
211
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,018
have a question mark
drawn on it?
212
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,016
- That spot is where
I found a small polyp.
213
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,758
- Wait, a polyp?
- Most polyps are harmless.
214
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:22,934
We'll run some tests and call
you with the results tomorrow.
215
00:09:22,962 --> 00:09:26,902
- W-w-w-w-
for sure there's a polyp?
216
00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:28,703
- Here, y'all wanna see?
- What are you doing?
217
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,295
Don't pass it to her!
Gimme, gimme, gimme!
218
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:33,767
Passing-ugh.
And why are you taking it?
219
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,007
That's crazy.
220
00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:39,051
?
221
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,849
- Ah-ah-hem!
222
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,050
We'd like to talk to you
all today
223
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,323
about our friendship.
224
00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:47,051
We are hoping
that our words will inspire you
225
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,057
to vote for us
for Whitlock's "Best Friends."
226
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,219
- "Friendship.
227
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,186
"Webster's Dictionary
defines it
228
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:54,285
"as a person whom one knows
229
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,857
and with whom one-"
230
00:09:59,899 --> 00:10:01,199
?
231
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:02,944
both: Friends!
232
00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:03,999
Friends!
233
00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:06,807
?
234
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,340
Friends!
235
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,135
both: Besties!
236
00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:12,106
both: Friends!
237
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:18,315
?
238
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:21,863
- They're campaigning
as write-in candidates,
239
00:10:21,888 --> 00:10:23,088
and they're going hard!
240
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:26,833
- Frickin' do-si-do...
now!
241
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:33,800
?
242
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,176
- It's called
The Serendipity.
243
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:44,838
- Oh. Now, by that
do you mean this moment
244
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,108
or the ring?
245
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,976
- I can't with you!
246
00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:49,984
- I'm sorry that I'm being
so funny and awesome
247
00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:51,986
while you're trying to work.
Tell me about the ring.
248
00:10:52,018 --> 00:10:55,118
- Not until you tell me more
about these plates.
249
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,055
- Oh, my...
250
00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:59,130
Princess Di plates.
Well,
251
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,989
I just always really
admired, you know,
252
00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:03,057
her stance on landmines.
253
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,156
Against.
254
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:05,967
- Hmm.
Yeah.
255
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,839
- I just started
collecting them
256
00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:10,398
around the same time
that my, uh...
257
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:13,237
Parents started arguing.
258
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:15,213
?
259
00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:18,851
- You poor, sweet man.
260
00:11:18,878 --> 00:11:22,148
- Would you teach me
Instagram?
261
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:26,092
- Oh! Somebody help me!
262
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:28,089
- Helen, are you okay?
- Oh!
263
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:30,161
I just bopped my face
on my monitor,
264
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,290
and I knocked my tooth out!
265
00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,155
- Thank heavens
it's your fake tooth
266
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,034
which can be replaced.
267
00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:38,002
- Well, this one isn't.
268
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,001
- Oh, Helen,
what are you doin'?
269
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,873
You're a wild one,
aren't you?
270
00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:44,241
- Marjorie, Marjorie,
I- I wrote a new song!
271
00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:45,270
Listen to this.
272
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,905
? Foot on the gas
273
00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:48,440
? And I'm goin' too fast
274
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,435
? It's a rock n' roll car,
yeah ?
275
00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:52,047
- No, don't got in there,
Marjorie.
276
00:11:52,078 --> 00:11:53,948
Stay with me,
and I'll tell you the story
277
00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:56,050
about when I came out
to my grandpa
278
00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:58,052
in the Denny's parking lot
and it went just fine.
279
00:11:58,084 --> 00:12:01,454
- What has gotten
into you two goofs, huh?
280
00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:03,988
Because I want whatever
y'all are havin'.
281
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:17,997
?
282
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,010
- Stef, what are you doing?
283
00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:26,875
- Well, I'm making sure
you're okay
284
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,353
while also testing out
some baby products.
285
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,281
- Wait a minute-I wasn't
wearing pajamas before.
286
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:31,946
Did you change me?
287
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:34,985
- Yes, we changed you.
Don't get weird.
288
00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:38,161
- Jack, you own
"Fifty Shades of Grey"?
289
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:40,931
all: Ooh!
Freaky-deaky!
290
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,930
- All right, okay, there was
a month where everyone got it!
291
00:12:43,963 --> 00:12:45,933
I- I didn't get
the other shades!
292
00:12:45,965 --> 00:12:48,265
Look, can you guys just
stop poking around my home?
293
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:49,901
I'm feeling a little...
294
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:52,266
- Oh, um...vulnerable?
295
00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,165
- Whoops.
- Actually, those are mine.
296
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:55,977
Those are my gym panties.
297
00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:57,339
They must have fallen
outta my coat pocket.
298
00:12:57,377 --> 00:12:59,507
- Oh, is that-
- Look, enough!
299
00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:02,016
Look, this day
has been a nightmare
300
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,218
from start to finish, okay?
I just wanna be alone.
301
00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:06,090
- Well, we're not
leaving you alone, okay?
302
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,089
We're gonna stay here
and tease you
303
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,261
and help you forget
about that scary test.
304
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,990
- When Keith gets scared,
I sing to him.
305
00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:15,156
? Don't you cry,
little doggie ?
306
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,255
- Stop!
No!
307
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,501
- Okay, we get it.
308
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:22,103
You don't like to be
goofed on.
309
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,235
You don't like dog songs.
What do you like?
310
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:28,410
- I like getting revenge
on those who've wronged me.
311
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:34,014
?
312
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:36,277
- Oh, yeah,
that woman's got to pay.
313
00:13:38,184 --> 00:13:41,094
Agatha: Leave your name
and number after the beep
314
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:43,161
and try not to mumble
like a moron.
315
00:13:43,189 --> 00:13:44,989
Oh.
316
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,985
- Hi, I'm a mermaid.
317
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,497
My name is...
318
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:51,158
Eeeeeeeee!
Eee-ee-ee-
319
00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:54,027
- Hello.
I am snow saleswoman.
320
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:57,537
I will put you in igloo
today, uh...
321
00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:01,510
No, I-I'm-I
wanna order a pizza, actually.
322
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,341
And, um, with, um...
323
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:05,976
I can't think of any toppings!
324
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:08,982
I was referred to you by...
325
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:11,045
Arrrrrhhhhh...
326
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,194
Hello, my name is
327
00:14:13,219 --> 00:14:16,159
Peabody J. Taco
of the hard shell Tacos.
328
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,019
Would you accept
329
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:19,458
a Groupon that expired in
330
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:22,402
Urr! Uhh-Ooh-Oohhhh!
331
00:14:22,429 --> 00:14:25,399
It is saleswoman of the snow.
332
00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:27,502
And I sell the snow
by the flake.
333
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:31,204
Everyone is different.
Oh, no, pepperoni!
334
00:14:31,237 --> 00:14:34,067
Pepperoni! Pep, please-
Oh, ah-bye.
335
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:36,237
Oh, my God.
336
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,506
Oh, Molly, I love ya.
337
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:41,075
Come to da poob
and tip da pint!
338
00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:42,484
- What kind of accent
is that?
339
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:44,075
- Irish.
340
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:46,317
- Uh-uh, girl,
that was full-on pirate.
341
00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:48,363
This is Horace T. Taco
342
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,358
of the soft shell Tacos.
343
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,230
Perhaps you know
my arch nemesis-
344
00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:53,488
- The mailbox is full
and cannot accept
345
00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:55,356
any messages at this time.
- It's full.
346
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,025
- Good-bye.
- It's full-we did it.
347
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:59,103
- Yes!
- Yes!
348
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:00,472
- Ah!
349
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,600
- Nice.
350
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:05,265
You guys wearing
my sweatpants?
351
00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:08,435
?
352
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,149
- You think you're bester
friends than us?
353
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,546
- We challenge you
to a duel
354
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,285
that we hope
that we will win.
355
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,120
- Fine.
- Sounds good.
356
00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:25,286
- All right, everybody,
357
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:27,525
just three questions left.
358
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,560
Let's take a little trip
to Tinseltown.
359
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:33,526
Victor, what is Eduardo's
favorite movie?
360
00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:35,436
- Oh, that's an easy one.
It used to be "Shanghai Noon,"
361
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:37,138
but now he can't
fall asleep at night
362
00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:39,210
without watching
"Pitch Perfect 2."
363
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:41,309
Wait-does that mean
he hates "Pitch Perfect 2"
364
00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:43,081
because
it puts him to sleep?
365
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,679
- I'm gonna need
a final answer, buddy.
366
00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:47,351
- Uh, "Shanghai Noon."
Final answer.
367
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,250
- Eduardo.
368
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,352
- Oh, my God!
- Come on, man!
369
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,294
- We talked a bunch
about how the young women
370
00:15:53,319 --> 00:15:55,419
really find their stride
in the sequel.
371
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:58,685
- All right, Grace, it is time
to ride the rainbow.
372
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:01,285
What's Anthony's
favorite color?
373
00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:04,697
- Um, his shirt is blue,
374
00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:07,301
so...blue?
375
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:08,544
- Yes!
376
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:09,668
You literally see me!
377
00:16:09,703 --> 00:16:11,373
I love my BFF!
378
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:13,444
- My man!
379
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,443
- It's time for
the last question.
380
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:19,105
Eduardo, let's talk grub,
bub.
381
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,245
What is Victor's favorite food?
382
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:23,151
- Pot pie.
- What?
383
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:24,653
- Pot pie-
you said just Friday
384
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:26,494
that my mother's pot pie
was the best in the worid.
385
00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:28,619
- It's pizza.
It's pizza!
386
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:30,255
It's always pizza!
387
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:31,660
- Ooh!
- Ooh...
388
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,361
- Eduardo, we're teens!
389
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:35,533
We're like two decades out
from lovin' pot pie.
390
00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,432
- Then why did Victor
say that to my mother
391
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:39,134
about her pot pie?
392
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,265
- I was being nice!
393
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,201
- Let's give it up
for our best friends...
394
00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:50,312
?
395
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:53,553
- Helen, I know
it's been awkward, so...
396
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,480
I'm just gonna come out
and say it.
397
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,485
Today is Marjorie's last day
and...
398
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,388
I think you should
ask her out.
399
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:01,620
I mean, your eyes light up
400
00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:03,324
whenever she walks into
the room!
401
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:06,286
- Yes, Marjorie
makes my nether regions
402
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,396
thump the "Law & Order" theme,
403
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:10,458
but I couldn't do that
to you, Ralph.
404
00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:13,267
This is the first time
that you've flirted with anyone
405
00:17:13,299 --> 00:17:15,499
since your divorce.
406
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,535
I would rather die again.
407
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:19,470
- Oh, hi, Helen!
408
00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:22,206
I have an extremely important
question to ask you.
409
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:24,242
If I said you had
a nice body,
410
00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:25,547
would you hold it
against me?
411
00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:27,448
- Oh, it's a riddle?
412
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,480
Oh, uh...
of course I would
413
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:32,516
hold my body against you,
Marjorie,
414
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,652
and so would Ralph!
415
00:17:34,688 --> 00:17:36,588
- Ah! Both of you, huh?
416
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:39,533
'Cause that sounds like
my kinda party!
417
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,759
Well, maybe I'll swing by
later and we can, uh,
418
00:17:41,795 --> 00:17:44,425
get into some trouble
together?
419
00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:52,437
- ? Dun-dun
420
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,612
- Did she just propose
what I think she did?
421
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,412
- I think so.
422
00:17:57,444 --> 00:17:59,414
A three-way at work.
423
00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:00,506
Well, it's official.
424
00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:01,677
I'm turning into my mother.
425
00:18:01,715 --> 00:18:03,445
- But we-we-
we can't!
426
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,223
I mean, right?
427
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:07,651
- No! I mean, we can't
look at each other naked.
428
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:10,357
- We're gonna say, "Marjorie,
we'll do things with you,
429
00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:12,790
but not with each other?"
That's just weird!
430
00:18:12,826 --> 00:18:15,356
- Dear Marjorie,
here's 102 rules
431
00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,395
before we start smoochin'.
432
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,370
I mean, we could do
less rules, but...
433
00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:21,299
No, forget it!
434
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:23,274
- Oh, no, that's crazy,
right?
435
00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:24,443
- Whoo!
- Ha ha ha ha.
436
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:26,271
What?
437
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:40,454
?
438
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:44,817
- Hi, um, I'm calling for
the results of my colonoscopy.
439
00:18:44,858 --> 00:18:46,288
Jack Griffin.
440
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:47,386
- Mr. Griffin,
441
00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:50,697
I received 127 messages
442
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:54,400
from what sounded like you
and your loud friends.
443
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,274
Unfortunately,
444
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,512
all of those messages
flooded our system
445
00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:01,678
and deleted your test results
to make space.
446
00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:03,338
- Wait, wait, wait.
447
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:05,746
Voicemails deleted
a test result?
448
00:19:05,779 --> 00:19:06,749
H- that can't be a thing.
449
00:19:06,780 --> 00:19:09,480
- You'll need to get
another colonoscopy
450
00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:12,386
tomorrow morning
to be absolutely certain
451
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:13,889
you're cancer-free.
452
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,790
I hope you and your friends
had fun, Mr. Taco.
453
00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:24,801
- She knows it was us
who did the prank calls.
454
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,631
She's making me do the test
again.
455
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:29,296
- That sucks!
- Damn!
456
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:30,636
Well, I guess she won.
457
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,770
Or maybe not.
458
00:19:33,807 --> 00:19:36,877
But it's gonna cost me
my last shred of dignity.
459
00:19:36,910 --> 00:19:38,580
?
460
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,419
- Aren't you forgetting
something?
461
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:56,503
In the end,
462
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,829
the winners of
the "Best Friends" category
463
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:00,695
were the write-in candidates.
464
00:20:00,734 --> 00:20:03,504
- Yes! You do the work,
you get the reward!
465
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,366
Oh!
- Actually, I meant Ashley
466
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,765
and Amanda.
- Yes! Ohh!
467
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,407
They're back, baby.
468
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:16,745
?
469
00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:18,853
- Here,
you take these.
470
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:21,915
- Ours was a sham
friendship anyways.
471
00:20:21,955 --> 00:20:23,985
You two are the real BFFs.
472
00:20:24,024 --> 00:20:26,534
- We don't deserve
your used hats.
473
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,729
I said pot pie.
474
00:20:28,762 --> 00:20:30,802
- Come on, you're Victuardo.
475
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:35,600
?
476
00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:37,635
- During last night's
closing statements
477
00:20:37,671 --> 00:20:39,611
of "Bunkbed Breakdown,"
478
00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:41,469
we agreed that you guys
could be, like,
479
00:20:41,508 --> 00:20:43,708
actual best friends.
480
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:47,013
It seems like you have a real
special thing gestating.
481
00:20:47,047 --> 00:20:49,677
- Then my brother threw up
and Victor had to go home.
482
00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:52,617
- Okay.
483
00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:55,792
?
484
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,990
- Although I am thrilled
485
00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:02,626
that your loud,
obnoxious friends aren't here,
486
00:21:02,662 --> 00:21:04,732
you do need to have
a ride present,
487
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:07,474
so you'll have to continue
to fast
488
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,040
and come back tomorrow
and take the test again.
489
00:21:10,070 --> 00:21:11,970
- Yeah, no.
490
00:21:12,005 --> 00:21:13,605
Ihavea ride.
491
00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,582
I have a ride!
492
00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,651
Whoo-hoo!
493
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,920
- Ah!
- Oh, no...
494
00:21:22,949 --> 00:21:25,949
Oh, this is not-
- No, this is it.
495
00:21:25,985 --> 00:21:28,685
- No, no, no, no.
- These are my friends.
496
00:21:28,722 --> 00:21:30,662
- This is completely
illegal.
497
00:21:30,690 --> 00:21:32,530
You can't just come in
here like this.
498
00:21:32,559 --> 00:21:34,059
No!
499
00:21:34,094 --> 00:21:35,834
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no.
500
00:21:35,862 --> 00:21:37,662
This is illegal!
501
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:42,043
No! Enough!
- No?
502
00:21:42,068 --> 00:21:42,998
- Enough!
- Oh.
503
00:21:43,036 --> 00:21:45,066
- Stop!
504
00:21:45,105 --> 00:21:47,505
You want your results?
Fine.
505
00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:52,552
Everything was clear.
506
00:21:52,579 --> 00:21:55,719
And I'm happy to share it
with everyone.
507
00:21:55,749 --> 00:21:59,089
?
508
00:22:00,954 --> 00:22:04,094
Please stop.
Just go.
509
00:22:04,124 --> 00:22:06,764
No, no.
Please go away.
510
00:22:06,793 --> 00:22:08,533
- Ohh...
511
00:22:08,561 --> 00:22:09,801
Hi!
- Wow.
512
00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:11,559
- Oh, so glad you made it.
513
00:22:11,598 --> 00:22:12,968
- So that's you there,
huh?
514
00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:14,999
- That's me!
- Mmm!
515
00:22:15,035 --> 00:22:16,695
Well, I'm glad you're healthy.
- Mm-hmm.
516
00:22:16,736 --> 00:22:18,866
- Maybe next time I could
give you a ride, huh?
517
00:22:18,905 --> 00:22:20,105
- Okay.
518
00:22:20,140 --> 00:22:22,110
Hey, um, you wanna
know something
519
00:22:22,142 --> 00:22:24,682
that's even more humiliating
than this?
520
00:22:24,711 --> 00:22:25,951
- What?
521
00:22:25,979 --> 00:22:27,879
- I own
"Fifty Shades of Grey."
522
00:22:29,716 --> 00:22:31,046
- We all bought it
that month.
523
00:22:31,084 --> 00:22:33,094
- Yeah.
- You...
524
00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:35,689
you did buy it
that month, right?
525
00:22:36,956 --> 00:22:39,526
- Yeah!
526
00:22:39,559 --> 00:22:41,799
- Hey, the whole school's
having a party
527
00:22:41,828 --> 00:22:44,128
at my gastroenterologist's
and I'm not even invited?
528
00:22:44,164 --> 00:22:45,874
Oof!
529
00:22:45,899 --> 00:22:47,999
?
530
00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:49,604
- Y'all rascals here?
531
00:22:49,636 --> 00:22:51,496
I'm heading out.
532
00:22:52,639 --> 00:22:54,139
Oh.
533
00:22:55,909 --> 00:22:58,009
Mmm.
534
00:22:58,044 --> 00:23:01,654
- Dearest Marjorie,
it's me, Ralph.
535
00:23:01,681 --> 00:23:04,881
- And me, Helen.
I'm the purple pen.
536
00:23:04,918 --> 00:23:07,748
We think you're the best thing
since sliced ham.
537
00:23:07,787 --> 00:23:09,117
Ralph:
And you've made me excited
538
00:23:09,155 --> 00:23:11,585
about the idea
of being single.
539
00:23:11,624 --> 00:23:14,764
But because we are long-time
friends and coworkers...
540
00:23:14,794 --> 00:23:16,604
Helen: We respectfully
decline your offer
541
00:23:16,629 --> 00:23:18,829
of a sex three-way.
542
00:23:18,865 --> 00:23:20,625
Ralph: You could just say
three-way.
543
00:23:20,667 --> 00:23:21,967
Helen: Well, you could just
tell me that
544
00:23:22,002 --> 00:23:23,042
instead of writing it down.
545
00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:24,199
Ralph: Let's just start over!
546
00:23:24,237 --> 00:23:26,967
Helen: This is my only piece
of stationary, Ralph.
547
00:23:27,007 --> 00:23:28,737
Ralph: What about
the stationary with the cat
548
00:23:28,775 --> 00:23:29,775
dressed as Shakespeare?
549
00:23:29,809 --> 00:23:30,909
Helen: Well, that's tucked
550
00:23:31,945 --> 00:23:32,875
under the copier
so it doesn't rattle.
551
00:23:33,580 --> 00:23:34,680
Hey, are you hungry?
552
00:23:35,782 --> 00:23:35,822
Ralph: I could use a bowl
of chili right now.
553
00:23:36,216 --> 00:23:37,546
Shall we?
38779
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