Original subtitles

Have the photos come through?

They have.

Some.

Simon says we have to pick three.

Uh, 2089.

- I'm not in 2089. - Oh, are you not?

You know I'm not.

- Hadn't noticed. - Needs to have both of us in it.

Where were you for 2089?

I don't know. Choosing a new shirt, I think.

- You chose that shirt? - Yeah, you were rude about it then.

You don't get to be rude about it now.

- Oh, was I rude about it? - Yeah, you rude about it, yeah.

- What did I say? - You said I looked like a J-cloth.

Ah.

Is that make-up, too?

Yes, a little foundation, maybe.

You look pox-ridden.

Why do you do that thing with your mouth?

- What thing? - You know, you make it...

...sort of... sort of flat, just like a...

...like a line straight across you. Like a Muppet, you know?

I don't do that.

Yeah, I'm looking at 20 different photos of you.

I cannot see your teeth in one of them.

I can't see your teeth in any of these either!

Yeah, but I have a twinkle in my eyes.

My eyes twinkle!

No, your eyes tire.

- Tire? - Like a low-impact Gorgon.

Fuck you.

Portals onto a barren...

- Oh, Jesus. - ...parched, arid landscape.

I have said sorry!

And I have accepted your...

Well, it doesn't look like it!

Have you rehearsed any of it yet?

Yes, of course.

- How much of it? - It's difficult to quantify.

Give me a page number.

We've been starting from a more conceptual place.

- What does that mean? - Well, it's part of my process. Um...

We've begun with a sort of freewheeling discussion

about the play, its themes, its inner workings

and what it might say to a 21st century audience.

You haven't done anything, have you?

- Not a thing. - Right.

In my defence, the business with Sam threw us off the rails.

Well, that was the business you failed to handle.

- David said he would deal with it. - And did he?

- Not really, no. - No. Did he make it worse?

- Yes. - All right.

- So, where are we? - Well, Sam's handled.

He doesn't want to have anything to do with us or the play any more,

which is good.

David and Michael are...

- ...angry. - With you?

Mostly with each other.

All right, Simon. I know this means a lot to you.

Yes, it does.

Yeah, it's... It's a really big opportunity.

Yes, it is.

And you promised me that you were up to it, so...

Are you?

- Yeah. - Then make some fucking progress!

Make some fucking progress! Do something, will you, please?

Please!

All right. Sorry.

It's just, you know, it's fine. It's fine, what you're doing.

Anybody could do it, really.

I... I just expected a little bit more of you, that's all.

Me, too.

Well, you know, there's no need to...

I don't need somebody hanging their head in shame,

I just need somebody to do something for me, all right?

Otherwise, what's the point? What's the point of you, really?

- It's a good question. - Yeah.

Well...

All right. Well, I think this has been constructive, so...

- Yeah? - Yep.

Yeah.

Thanks for your time.

Oh, Christ.

- Janine! - What?

I'm done here.

All sorted?

Nope, nightmare. Fucking nightmare.

You should have furloughed him!

Jo is going to drop in on our session this afternoon.

Why?

- Uh, checking on progress. - There's been progress?

- Plenty. - We haven't read anything yet.

- That's deliberate. - Why is that?

We've been, um, operating from a more conceptual space.

Is Jo worried?

- I think she just feels left out. - Left out?

Yeah, shall we have a look at page, um...

Page ten?

From, um...

"We do not have time for insanity."

- Sure. - Yep.

Whenever you're ready.

Michael.

Uh. "We do not have the time for insanity."

"Life is crammed with insanity."

"What the hell do you mean?"

"Your craft should be considered a breeding ground for madness,

"rendering falsity as truth."

Are you going to do it like that?

Like what?

- Arch. - Can we just carry on, actually?

Michael, it's with you. "A profession of madmen..."

"You think this is a profession of madmen?"

"I think that is your mission. Give life to fantastic characters."

I'll read the stepdaughter.

"Believe me, we are some of the most interesting characters."

"Yes. And we, who have had the luck to be born as characters,

"can laugh even at death."

Can I just pause for a second?

I've got a quick question about tone.

- Yeah. - Yep.

- So, this dialogue is heightened. - Yeah.

- Mm-mm. - Yeah.

My impulse is to take the heat off it.

Try it as natural as possible.

Try and make it sound real.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

And David... seems to be going in a different direction.

- Can we just read on? - Sure.

Yeah, we can just save questions like that until the end.

Yeah, I would like that.

"Because we have the fortune to exist

"in a fantasy which nourishes us forever."

- "So, what do you want here?" - "Not just to live, but to be heard."

Michael, that... That's you.

I'll just do it, shall I? Um...

"So, what do you want here?"

- "Not just to live, but to be heard." - "Forever?"

"For however long I have, I want to be heard."

Are you done for the day, Michael, are you?

- For now, yeah. - I'll do both sides, shall I?

Why's that?

- "How can I help?" - Why's that?

You guys can just listen. "I want to tell our story."

- I'm having trouble with the words. - Well, just try reading them.

No, your words.

We can discuss all these questions at the end. That's what it's there for.

- What's wrong with my words? - I'm struggling to believe them.

- There's a lot going on. - A lot going on?

- OK. - Would you try something for me?

Oh, sure. Happy to, yeah.

Is that OK, Simon?

I'd rather we just pushed on, actually.

Won't take a sec. Just give me "I want to be heard" again.

- "I want to be heard." - Simon?

I thought that was great.

- You don't think he sounds cartoonish? - Cartoonish?

- I've thought it for a while now. - Absolutely not. No, I don't.

It's why Georgia hasn't asked you

- to do the audiobook for her novel. - What?

- I'm guessing. - She sold her book?

David, it's with you. "I want to be heard."

- "I want to be heard." - "I want to be heard."

- Please, can we carry on? - "I want to be heard."

- "I want to be heard!" - "I want to be heard."

- "I want to be heard!" - "I want to be heard."

- "I want to be heard!" - "I want to be heard."

But I... I want to be heard, so I'm trying to be heard!

Just... It's simple. "I want to be heard."

"I want to be heard!" It's got to have something behind it.

No, it's got to come from somewhere.

Just because you're mumbling doesn't make it good.

I speak the same language as you. You don't have to...

You're barely speaking, though.

- You're basically whispering it. - "I want to be heard."

Let's pretend we're all human beings...

Yeah, who have ears that need to receive the vibrations.

It's not a hearing thing. It's sort of a feeling thing.

You know, what I'm doing makes sense.

And what you're doing is a sort of weird...

It might sound weird to you

because you won't be used to hearing that coming out of yourself.

It's so affected, if you don't mind me saying.

"I want to be heard."

Isn't it interesting, Simon, that if you spend a career

speaking in such a stilted sort of artificial way,

then hearing something that's truthful can sound affected to you?

"I want to be heard."

It's... I mean, yeah.

Maybe for Theatr Clwyd.

I don't know.

- No, no, I'm just... - We'll do it all your way.

I'm just doing it exactly how you want to do it.

- "Ooh, listen to me!" - At least I can hear that!

At least I can hear that. Simon. Simon.

Simon.

I mean...

Yeah, it's all completely normal, you just need to stay relaxed

and keep breathing, OK?

- It's all going to be fine. I promise. - Georgia?

That's it. In...

- Georgia. - Out...

You busy?

Yeah, a little bit, yeah.

Do I sound cartoonish to you?

- What? - Cartoonish.

- No. - You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Yeah. That's it.

Deep breath in.

Michael doesn't think I make it sound real.

Deep breath out. What?

- The play. - What, is he still angry at you?

I've apologised.

OK, what did Simon say?

He was busy reading the other parts.

Why was he reading the other parts?

Michael and I were having a discussion about tone.

Yes, sorry, I'm still here.

- How far apart are they now? - We're doing a bit for Jo later.

- How long? - Not long, I wouldn't have thought.

Oh, you're on that... Sorry.

Yeah. OK. I'll phone them now. All right. Hold on one sec.

Babe, can I borrow your phone?

When are you talking to Jo?

- In about an hour. - OK. Well, you know,

she's got taste and all the money.

So why don't you see what she says?

Yeah, hi. I'm phoning on behalf of Victoria Kay. She's gone into labour

and said you'd be able to take her to hospital.

- Might do a bit of writing. - Yeah, that's... That's a great idea!

Got a really good idea for this scene

where a Scottish hero takes a shit on a Welsh twat's head.

That sounds promising. Yeah, that's the one.

- Did you sell your novel? - 233.

- OK. - Georgia.

- All right. - Did you sell your novel?

Yes, I did.

Why would you not have told me about that?

I didn't know how you'd react.

I'd have been really fucking nice about it!

You don't seem to be being fucking nice about it.

I'd just like to point out that's exactly why I didn't tell you. OK?

- OK, I have to go now. - Where are you going?

Vicky's gone into labour. I need to go and help her.

And you're going to have to stay here.

Are you going to be OK meeting Jo?

Yes.

Looking after the kids, cooking them dinner and getting them to bed?

- I can manage all that. - Yeah?

How long are you going to be?

I won't be back till tomorrow.

Oh, fine!

Beep-beep.

- See, that's Road Runner. - I know.

That's cartoonish.

I can do it when I choose to do it.

Yep.

Go on. Go and do the deed, Florence Nightingale.

Simon tells me things have become a little bit tense between you?

No.

- Where is Simon? - Well, I'm hosting the meeting,

- and I'm not letting him in. - OK.

Um, we said we were going to read some of the play for you today.

If you're ready to read.

- Sure. - Easy peasy.

Did Simon say that we haven't actually spent

- a lot of time on the actual text? - No?

Yeah, no,

we've been operating from a more conceptual place.

- Is that you on that mug? - No.

How serious is this?

You don't need to put your hand up.

Michael's being insufferable.

- OK. - Oh!

Let's try and be a bit more constructive.

No, you don't have to put your hand up.

Well, do you think that I sound cartoonish?

- No. - Right. Well, because Michael's upset,

he started throwing around some very unhelpful phrases.

Well, why is Michael upset?

Well, Michael is upset, Jo, because he didn't realise

that he was second choice for the role,

which... cos apparently, that has never happened

in the history of theatre ever.

We really don't need to keep raising our hands, so...

Michael.

It is true that I have never been the second choice before.

Sorry, is that...? That's...

That's literally your complete point, is it?

I'd like it noted.

I mean, do you see what I'm having to work with?

Is that why you're upset, Michael?

No, no, I'm upset because David and Simon are fucking liars.

All right. I admit it was handled badly.

Yes. David?

Yes, I will absolutely hold my hands up

that I did hold some stuff back.

The reason I did that is because of my experience of Michael.

I knew that at this time, he would become overly sensitive.

- Oh, fuck! Come on! - I didn't want to hold things up.

- No, no. Let's not play the blame game! - We had limited time!

Let's not start doing that.

- Start doing what? - Pointing fucking fingers!

You scotty! That is you on that fucking mug!

Oh, what? Oh, this mug? This mug here? This one here?

Yeah. Look at that!

Look at that!

You narcissistic Scottish man boy child.

Fill this mug full of your tears and make you drink them!

Na-na-na-na.

Let's just all take a step back.

Yeah.

- That wasn't nice. - Look, Jo.

Yeah?

You know as well as I do that I add "con-creet" value to any project

- that I'm a part of. - Sorry, you add "con-creet" value?

- That's what I said. - "Con-creet" value?

Is that the same as concrete value?

- I said concrete. - No, you said "con-creet."

- I know what I said. - You said "con-creet".

It's funny, because I thought you were classically trained.

I thought you'd know, you know,

where to put the "em-fasis" on a word, but apparently not.

I bring gravitas, which is very important.

- I bring charm... - All right.

- ...Which is more important. - Mm!

No-one is doubting what either of you bring to the party. All right?

I just want to get this resolved.

The play is a classic.

You are both exceptional.

And Simon, he really knows what he's doing, he does.

We have a chance here to come out of all of this

with something really special.

If we can just resolve... Can we resolve this, please, David?

- Yeah. - Yes. Thank you.

Yes. Michael?

Sorry, I just... You know, I just want to make sure

- that I don't get oversensitive. - Oh! Such bullshit!

See, see!

- David needs to calm down, too. - Oh, yeah, do I?

Cos when I get overemotional, I start to sound cartoonish, don't I?

Oh, I've heard that about you as well, yeah.

Fuck it! I wrote a scene today about me taking a shit

on your big fucking Welsh, hairy head.

Yeah, well you've...

Oh, sh...

I've got to go. Sorry. I'll be back.

I've just got to drop some shopping off for my neighbour.

Oh, that's kind. Isn't it? That's kind of him, David?

No. She's blackmailing him.

Right. Why?

- Because he's a lush. - She's harmless, OK?

And she's alone.

- Does she have any family? - Her children are stuck in Cardiff.

It's no trouble. I just pick up the shopping,

I drop it around at four, I ring the doorbell, out she pops.

We say "hello" and "hello".

And that's the end of it.

I did it yesterday and she made me a Bara brith to say thank you.

Oh, so it's a symbiotic relationship, then.

What's a Bara brith, Michael?

Um, it's a Welsh fruitcake.

Takes one to know one!

Don't. Don't.

What are you dropping off to her today?

Um...

Mixed fruit, sugar, tea, mixed spice, flour and eggs.

What's she making you today?

It's another Bara brith, isn't it?

All right. Hang on.

- Is Simon up to this? - He's terrified of you both.

Why?

Cos you're behaving like twats. You're twats.

Yeah. I mean, it'll be fine.

We went through half a dozen of these in Good Omens.

How did you resolve it then?

- Battleships. - Battleships?

Mm.

With a pen and a paper and a grid with the...? Hit and miss and...?

Yeah. Yeah.

You're back.

Just telling Jo about Battleships.

Oh, yeah.

You all right?

She didn't answer the door.

I think the world would be a much better place

if more problems were resolved like this.

E4.

Ooh. Miss.

Well, it's certainly helped us over the years, hasn't it?

Do you think it's game-specific?

- We can try something else if you want? - Like what?

- Twister. - It's too sexual.

B2.

Is a miss.

- Chess? - Nah, it's too complex.

- Snakes and ladders? - Oh, now, you're talking!

Yeah.

- Uh, D2. - Hit!

- Oh! - Oh!

A very palpable hit!

I'm sorry I let the cat out of the bag about Georgia's novel.

- It's all right. - B3?

- Is a miss. - And that I said you were cartoonish.

- That wasn't fair. - Well, I mean, it's not so bad

cos I am, after all, the voice of Scrooge McDuck.

Is that...?

- What? The voice of Scrooge McDuck? - Yeah.

- No. - Who's that, then?

I... I have no idea.

That's like nothing I've ever heard.

Um, D3.

You sunk my...

I'll do it as Mickey Mouse.

You've sunk my battleship!

Victory is mine!

Does this victory

mean we get to re-explore the composition of our credits?

You can have it.

She'll be fine.

Michael, she'll be fine.

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