Original subtitles

- I think I'm losing my authority. - You have authority?

I thought I did, but the kids are starting to answer me back.

Oh, it's a slippery slope.

- Days away from mutiny. - You wouldn't stand a chance.

There are a lot more of them than there are of you.

Yeah.

- How many have you got now? - Ah, can't quite remember.

There's a couple I feel like I haven't seen for weeks.

Did your parents punish you for swearing?

- Only if they caught me. - What would've happened?

- Depended on the severity. - Like if it was at the low end.

My mother made me drink soapy water.

I don't think my kids would go for it.

It's not supposed to be voluntary.

- Are you sure that's not you on that mug? - No!

- It looks like you. - No.

- What happened? - One of them swore at me.

- What did he say? - She.

- What did she say? - You know...

- How old is she? - Four.

- Does she know what that means. - No, I don't think so.

- She just picked it up somewhere. - From where?

Our eldest would be prime suspect.

When I was a kid, my dad, if we lied,

would make us stand in the corner for half an hour.

- Did it stop you lying? - For half an hour, yeah.

What happened with your neighbour?

- She brought the bottles back. - Did she?

- Yeah. - What did you do?

I denied it. I told her she must be mistaken.

I said, "I'm happy to put them outside my house for now

"but I will not cover for you again."

You lied. I think you should stand in the corner for half an hour.

All right.

David knows some of this.

Erm, before we cast you, Michael, we were talking to somebody else,

he's kind of a big deal and has always wanted to do a play in London.

I was running quite high after Killer Joe.

In fact it was my idea to take it to David.

And they got it to me.

Yeah, we got it to David and David said...

- I said yes, yes. - So we were all ready to announce,

then this actor got offered a film

so he had to drop out of the project.

We couldn't postpone, so we had to...

We chose to find somebody else, and David suggested you.

Of course I did.

And that film that he went to do has been cancelled

because of all of this, and he has been phoning me a lot

because he'd like to be involved again.

Well, thank you for suggesting me, David.

Well, not just a suggestion, it was a strong recommendation.

I was unaware that you'd been submitting me for roles

- over the years. - Advocating.

Did you get a nice bit of commission on that?

I just really wanted to do it with you.

Yeah, he did, really.

I was really thrilled when you said yes.

Yeah, we both were, ecstatic.

- I don't like you, Simon. - No.

I find you weaselly.

I understand.

Who is it?

- I'd rather not say. - Does he know about me?

No, not yet.

And how exactly have you told this someone else no?

I haven't.

The reason being...?

- He scares me. - He scares you?

I mean, he is quite an intimidating personality.

I can be intimidating.

I know, yeah, yeah.

I'm feeling a very strong urge to be intimidating.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, just resist it, OK?

Please, please.

Listen, I'm going to suggest I just call him up

and we just have a conversation, actor to actor,

I just tell him it's done, he had his chance

but we have Michael now and we are over the moon.

Don't you feel that we should have...

...we deserve a director who is

brave enough to have difficult conversations like that?

Well...

We are where we are, aren't we? So...

These are exceptional times.

I think we have to allow our individual exceptionalism

to catch up with the moment, yeah?

Do you know how you get people to trust you, Simon?

- Honesty. - Yeah, I...

And if you can't be honest, just don't get caught, yeah?

Oh, hi, Lucy.

Hi.

- David is going to phone Sam. - Oh, right.

I'm not doing very good at this.

David.

- I can't see your face. - Yeah, yeah, that's a choice.

I hate these fucking things.

- What, video calls? - Yeah.

Everybody was happy with a fucking phone call before all this shit,

now suddenly they feel this need to share a fucking close-up with me.

Right.

Erm, can we talk about Six Characters In Search Of An Author?

You know, I've been trying to get Simon on the fucking phone for days.

That motherfucker's not picking up.

He's a cock.

Erm, what happened to your movie?

- Unofficially? - Sure. Unofficially.

The script was a mess.

Then the director starts fucking the co-star. Her husband finds out.

Husband stomps his ass out. He's in the hospital.

That bitch goes to rehab and we lost half our locations.

What about officially?

Officially they are saying global pandemic.

Sure. Well, silver lining, erm,

by the sound of it. Are you still in LA?

Yeah, for now.

- But I'm bored as shit. - Right.

I've been trying to get hold of this goddamn Simon on his fucking phone,

it's like I tell you, he is not goddamn picking up.

I know. He said you'd called.

What?!

- You talked to that motherfucker? - Voicemails is all that...

Ah...

Look, OK... All right, you know, fuck it.

I say we use the time to work on the play.

I get that it's strange,

but we'll have something while everybody else

is running round with their dicks in their hands, right?

- Right, yeah. - So what do you think?

What do I think?

- Erm, oh, what do I think? - Yeah.

I think...

I think you're too late,

because I think what happened is, you left the production

and us in real trouble.

You know, I get why you did that, I understand completely,

I'd probably have done the same thing myself,

but we were left to pick up

the pieces, and we did that by going out and getting someone else.

So I wish you well, but we've moved on.

Look, David...

Yep?

Erm... You froze, so everything after "I think" I didn't get.

So could you, like, run through all that shit again, please?

Erm, right.

I was just saying I think, um...

I think...

- Erm... - What? You think what?

I think that Jo won't allow it.

What the fuck is his problem?

I don't even know this fucking Joe.

Why would that motherfucker be mad with me?

Well, because you left the production, she was...

She? It's a she?

- Yeah. - It's a woman named Jo?

- Yeah. - Like Joanne, or Josephine?

- Um... - Or is it just fucking plain old Jo?

I have no idea.

You know her, I don't even know who the fuck she is

- and she's pissed off with me. - I just know her as Jo.

I'll talk to my assistant and I'll call her.

Well, I wouldn't, because she doesn't like you very much now.

She doesn't want you to derail the show, so she went straight out

and she hired another actor.

- Who? - Michael Sheen.

Who the fuck is Michael Sheen?

Some Welsh... British, erm...

You'll know him.

He was in G-Good Omens, we were...

Erm...

Frost/Nixon?

Passengers? Twilight?

Any of these movies make any goddamn money?

I...

Do you want to do this with him?

Of course I don't, I worked with him once. I want to do this with you.

I'm not, you know... But here we are, we're stuck.

- And... and Jo won't let us change. - Tell you what.

I'll call Jo.

I wouldn't. She's not easy to talk to, and you'll...

She's angry, I'd let her cool down.

In the fullness of time, when the dust is settled,

you and me will move on and we'll do something else, something better.

- Sorry. - Don't worry.

- Got to keep a bit quiet. Nap time. - No, I get it. Is she down yet?

No, not Lyra, Michael.

- Michael has a nap time? - He was a little angry earlier.

Yeah. I heard.

So...

He let off some steam in the garden

and he sat down in the sun with his script. Then he fell asleep.

Yeah, David does that.

Then he just pretends that he was awake the whole time.

Michael's strangely proud of it. Claims he can sleep anywhere.

Well, it's nice to have a hobby, isn't it?

Mm. How are you all doing?

Oh, yeah, fine, fine.

Yeah, there are seven of us so...

- How are you? - We are fine.

I mean, Lyra is pretty low maintenance so...

- So, things could be worse. - Hm.

So a friend of mine is pregnant and alone.

Father not around?

- No, couldn't get away from his wife. - Oh.

She's asked me to be her birthing partner.

Is that allowed?

I don't know how I feel about leaving David on his own.

- Yeah, how's he doing? - Good days and bad days.

I suppose I thought these rehearsals would help

but it seems like more of a hindrance so far.

Just talking to Georgia.

- Did you tell her I fell asleep? - I did.

- Well done, Michael. - Thank you!

David's actually started writing.

That may give him a bit of a focus, you know.

- How's your novel? - Oh, I, erm...

I've actually sold it.

- You what? - What?

Georgia sold her novel.

Ohhhhhh!

- That's fantastic. - Thanks. Thanks.

It's actually just happened, David doesn't know yet so...

Oh! Mum's the word.

- It's all fine. - Really?

Yeah, really. It's done, it's fine.

What did you say to him?

I just stood up to him. I just told him, you know,

that he'd had his shot.

I told him we've got a superior actor now

and that you weren't going anywhere, so...

- How did he take that? - I mean,

nobody likes getting bad news, do they?

I wouldn't know.

- Of course not. - But you stood your ground?

I did, I did.

Chanelled Henry V.

When the blast of war blows in our ears,

we imitate the actions of the tiger.

You said that to him?

- Not out loud, no. - No, of course not.

- Have you ever played Henry V? - I have not, no. Have you?

For the RSC.

Of course you did. Yes. No, I gave the RSC my Richard II.

I saw it.

I don't know that I would trust Richard II

in a formal negotiation setting, though.

- I don't know, he's impassioned. - That's true.

- He's eloquent. - Undeniably.

Very snappy dresser.

So history would have us believe, but not perhaps the right

temperamental fit for the artistic battlefield.

Perhaps not, no.

What I'm saying is, I think you channelled the right

Shakespearean monarch.

Well, thank you very much. Yes.

I really should let Simon know, shouldn't I?

He'll be delighted.

Have you got a window this afternoon for some rehearsals?

- I'm afraid not, no, I've errands. - Groceries?

- Library. - Really? Picking up or dropping off?

Dropping off, erm, for my neighbour.

- I thought that was all dealt with. - I thought so too.

You denied it, you lied to a poor little old lady.

There... there is nothing poor or little about...

- I'm beginning to doubt she's even old. - Ohhh. She rumbled you.

She has a CCTV camera on her garage.

She was kind enough to e-mail me a short little video clip.

What, of you with armfuls of bottles, shoving them in her bin?

So now I do her chores.

You're being blackmailed by a wee little old lady.

Blackmail is a very strong word.

Listen, it'll be lovely for everyone to see you out and about.

Lovely for the community.

Local celebrity, Michael Sheen, visits the library.

Yeah, not returning books like Passion On The Plantation.

The Smell Of The Poacher.

Ivory On Ebony.

There's a sort of theme, isn't there?

Michael, do you know how to get people to trust you?

Oh, piss off.

- You said not to speak to Jo. - Yeah.

Well, I spoke to Jo.

Why did you do that?

- Because you told me she was furious. - She was.

- Well, she seemed fine. - She's quick to forgive.

- Did you lie to me? - No.

Do you want to do this play with Michael?

No.

So tell me again.

I want to do it with you, that was the plan,

that was always the plan, I'm excited about the plan.

Michael's fine. I mean, he's...

He's... We get on fine.

- He's all right but he's not you. - How so?

He's overbearing, he drinks too much.

He thinks that Henry V is better than Richard II.

I've worked with him once, I'd do anything not to do it again,

but we're in it now, it's too late, you know.

I know you're upset. Spare a thought for me, I'm stuck with him.

But if the situation was different?

Yeah. Well, obviously, seriously,

of course I would want to do this with you, in a heartbeat.

Hello, David.

- All right, Michael? - Yeah.

- Back from the library? - I am, yeah.

All the books safe?

No major issues.

I just wanted to give Michael a call, you know, clear the air.

Yeah, that was good of you.

Yeah, we had lots to talk about.

- Has he gone? - Yeah, that motherfucker is ghost.

Probably tucked his tail between his legs,

and ran on his spineless spindly ass down the street like a wounded dog.

Yeah, well, give him a second.

Is that him?

It is, yeah.

Ohhh.

Been nice to meet you. Big fan.

Ah, thank you.

Yeah. Strange circumstances,

I can't believe our paths have never crossed before.

Yeah, erm, we have actually... done a movie together.

Really? What was... You were, like, a young actor

and you were, like, doing background, or something?

I had a bag over my head for some... Well, for most of it.

A bag over your head?

You were torturing me all the way through.

Oh, get the fuck out of here, that was you?!

- Yeah. - You were in that film?

- Yeah. - Come on, man.

That was a great fucking movie.

You were awesome in it.

Hey, remember the night that Obama won his first presidency?

- Yeah. - We were torturing the fuck out of you.

- Right? - Yeah... I mean...

That was...

- You need to get that? - Yeah. Erm...

David...

- Listen, I know that that was cowardly. - And you were caught.

- And, yeah, I was caught. - Lying.

Well, it's the day for it, isn't it?

So where do we go from here, then?

Obviously, I want to do this play with you, but Sam has an ego

like a fucking tour bus. I had to manage that.

And I managed it badly and I got caught, OK.

But I want to do this with you, you have passion, you have integrity.

Sam has a mansion in the Hollywood Hills and fucking zero imagination.

I would do anything not to do it with him.

David?

I should've seen that coming, shouldn't I?

Yes, motherfucker, you should have. What the fuck's wrong with you?

Sorry.

You know how you get people to trust you?

Is it honesty?

Grow a brain and a pair of balls. Fuck you, David.

Goodbye.

Oh, nice talking to you, Michael.

That's half an hour.

Shall I do it again?

The credits will be Michael Sheen

and that fucking liar David Tennant.

Yeah, seems fair.

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