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1
00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:16,040
Ah! Come on, where is it?
2
00:00:16,075 --> 00:00:18,377
Oh...
3
00:00:18,412 --> 00:00:20,645
Oh, shit!
4
00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:23,005
Where is it? Stuart!
5
00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:25,600
Where's the bag?
Oh, hold my hand, hold my hand.
6
00:00:25,635 --> 00:00:27,045
I think we need to get a move on.
7
00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:29,480
I want to share every
beautiful moment together.
8
00:00:29,515 --> 00:00:31,880
You just told me to
set myself on fire. It's fine.
9
00:00:31,915 --> 00:00:33,880
The doctor said
there might be swings.
10
00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:40,125
Now you.
11
00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:41,765
Breathe in the... Love.
12
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:43,320
Breathe out the... The baby.
13
00:00:43,355 --> 00:00:44,957
April, where's the hospital bag?
14
00:00:44,992 --> 00:00:46,525
I want to take all your clothes off.
15
00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:49,520
What? It's the oxytocin.
The doctor said I might get randy.
16
00:00:49,555 --> 00:00:51,977
Yeah, she also said
you might shit yourself.
17
00:00:52,012 --> 00:00:54,306
I want to have this
child while we make love.
18
00:00:54,341 --> 00:00:56,600
I think we need to
get you to the hospital.
19
00:00:56,635 --> 00:00:57,605
Dad!
20
00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:03,565
Dad? I'm entertaining!
21
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:06,400
Have you taken a bag out of my room?
Just a moment.
22
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:08,880
Enter.
23
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:12,840
Stuart, this is Igor.
24
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,280
When you were born,
your mother was twice as loud.
25
00:01:18,315 --> 00:01:19,805
Heard her from the pub.
26
00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:21,800
Can you get out of bed?
It's two o'clock.
27
00:01:21,835 --> 00:01:23,245
Didn't get back until nine.
28
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,520
Cannot remember beyond lunchtime.
29
00:01:25,555 --> 00:01:27,760
I know we had cocktails in town.
30
00:01:27,795 --> 00:01:29,045
Dad, I need some help.
31
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:31,485
Then we did poppers
in the bog at Cafe Rouge.
32
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:34,960
Dad... Did we end up in a field?
..have you seen a blue sports bag?
33
00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:37,160
Full of nappies and nighties?
Over there.
34
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,400
Where's all the Red Bull?
We ran out of cocaine.
35
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:53,360
I want Mummy.
OK, should I phone her?
36
00:01:53,395 --> 00:01:55,325
God, no. She hates me.
37
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:58,440
It's just such a festival
of men in this house.
38
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,200
I need some Venus.
39
00:02:06,235 --> 00:02:08,125
Please!
40
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:09,920
Back in a minute.
41
00:02:09,955 --> 00:02:12,397
I love you! Yep.
42
00:02:14,875 --> 00:02:16,560
Oh.
43
00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:36,805
Stu! Hi, Barry.
44
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,805
Fancy hopping on for a Campari?
45
00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:42,800
April's in labour.
Oh, felicitations. Hm.
46
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:46,045
Hello, neighbour.
47
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:47,245
Congrats on the beard.
48
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:48,900
Doesn't look dyed. Is Kate there?
49
00:02:48,935 --> 00:02:50,485
I'm in the middle of woodwork sesh,
50
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,725
building a pagoda
for my birthday girl.
51
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:54,800
She's not yours.
What'd you get her, jeans again?
52
00:02:54,835 --> 00:02:57,640
She's mine.
It's what real dads do, Stuart.
53
00:02:57,675 --> 00:02:59,445
They don't buy
disappointing presents
54
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,840
and they don't shit themselves
on the ferry to Santander.
55
00:03:01,875 --> 00:03:03,605
Could you just shut up
and get Kate, please?
56
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:05,680
It was supposed to be here
an hour ago. What's the hold-up?
57
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,400
Just make sure
it's here before three.
58
00:03:11,435 --> 00:03:13,525
Congratulations. Shouldn't you be...
59
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,320
..there? It's a bit bloke-heavy.
She wondered if you could pop over.
60
00:03:16,355 --> 00:03:17,765
Don't be so ridiculous.
61
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,520
Why would she want your ex-wife
gawping up her chuff?
62
00:03:20,555 --> 00:03:22,125
Play well with the female voters.
63
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,880
Do you really think
I'm that cynical?
64
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,445
Won't be long.
65
00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:27,860
Holler if you need me.
66
00:03:27,895 --> 00:03:29,205
I'll be at the lathe.
67
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,925
What's she supposed
to do with a pagoda?
68
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,040
We saw them in Japan.
They're actually quite beautiful.
69
00:03:33,075 --> 00:03:35,277
You know you can see his knob
through that dressing gown.
70
00:03:35,312 --> 00:03:37,480
Where's your van? I'm getting
it pimped up with a respray.
71
00:03:37,515 --> 00:03:39,677
Don't try to compete with Ted.
Wasn't.
72
00:03:39,712 --> 00:03:41,840
So, how are you getting to hospital?
73
00:03:41,875 --> 00:03:43,045
Uber.
74
00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,900
Hi. Why are you here?
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
75
00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:48,720
I thought you were getting
your hair done. I did.
76
00:03:48,755 --> 00:03:49,845
Fuck off.
77
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:51,220
I'm trying to win an election.
78
00:03:51,255 --> 00:03:52,525
What? I thought you'd like it.
79
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,160
I'm challenging traditional
notions of feminine beauty.
80
00:03:55,195 --> 00:03:56,680
You look like Patrick Stewart.
81
00:03:56,715 --> 00:03:58,680
Who? I like it.
82
00:03:58,715 --> 00:03:59,977
Whatever.
83
00:04:00,012 --> 00:04:01,205
Not that way.
84
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,685
Ted's organising a surprise.
85
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:06,040
Come on, I need your help.
April's in labour.
86
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:10,240
I'll stick the kettle on.
87
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,480
I'm here now, April.
88
00:04:15,515 --> 00:04:16,520
You off, then?
89
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:21,920
Oh, God, it feels like
it's coming out of my bum.
90
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,280
How on earth did I get home?
91
00:04:27,315 --> 00:04:28,765
Dad, can you not vape?
92
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,645
Balls, it's a harmless
smelling mist.
93
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:33,920
I am so glad you chose to
join our magical adventure.
94
00:04:33,955 --> 00:04:36,040
It's like having my mum here.
95
00:04:36,075 --> 00:04:37,257
I'm 40.
96
00:04:37,292 --> 00:04:38,405
..8.
97
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,880
How long's this cab going to be?
I haven't ordered it yet.
98
00:04:40,915 --> 00:04:42,757
What do you mean you
haven't ordered it?
99
00:04:42,792 --> 00:04:44,600
Oh, don't make this
another Alton Towers.
100
00:04:44,635 --> 00:04:46,125
What happened at Alton Towers?
101
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,880
I lost my gay virginity
on the teacups.
102
00:04:48,915 --> 00:04:50,857
What? No. I forgot to order a cab.
103
00:04:50,892 --> 00:04:52,606
Oh, I can't find my good place.
104
00:04:52,641 --> 00:04:54,285
I can't find my good place!
105
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:57,360
Gucci businesswear, that's what
I think about when I'm depressed.
106
00:04:57,395 --> 00:04:58,525
She's not depressed.
107
00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,720
Stuart, go and tell Ted he's
taking April to the hospital
108
00:05:00,755 --> 00:05:02,880
and, on your way, book the cab.
We'll follow in that.
109
00:05:02,915 --> 00:05:05,160
I'm not asking Ted for help.
Just do it!
110
00:05:05,195 --> 00:05:06,960
I think one's coming again.
111
00:05:06,995 --> 00:05:08,325
And breathe.
112
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,760
And the reason I forgot to
order that cab at Alton Towers
113
00:05:10,795 --> 00:05:12,160
was cos Dad was getting arrested.
114
00:05:12,195 --> 00:05:13,840
Please hurry up! Yep.
115
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:28,925
Surprise!
116
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,445
Why are you hiding in the bushes?
117
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,480
Cos it wouldn't be
a surprise otherwise.
118
00:05:32,515 --> 00:05:34,125
What's the surprise? Me.
119
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,460
In the bushes?
Thought you were on the Isle of Man.
120
00:05:36,495 --> 00:05:38,760
I was. Now I'm here.
Just in time for my birthday.
121
00:05:38,795 --> 00:05:40,405
And that's why I was
hiding in the bushes.
122
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:44,640
So your present for Madonna on her
17th birthday is you in the bushes?
123
00:05:44,675 --> 00:05:46,760
Well, I'm pleased to see you,
Uncle Charlie.
124
00:05:46,795 --> 00:05:48,525
Aw! See?
125
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,005
Ross Kemp don't mind.
126
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:51,880
Stick the kettle on.
127
00:05:51,915 --> 00:05:53,685
Hurry up!
128
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,045
Something's tearing.
129
00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:56,520
Now's not a good time, Charlie.
130
00:05:56,555 --> 00:05:58,400
April's in labour.
131
00:05:58,435 --> 00:05:59,600
Who's April?
132
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:09,285
Girl or boy? Still waiting.
133
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,240
If you are looking for Ted,
he's round the back,
134
00:06:11,275 --> 00:06:13,040
mucking about with his funny shed.
135
00:06:13,075 --> 00:06:14,437
It's a pagoda.
136
00:06:14,472 --> 00:06:15,800
Ooh! Konnichiwa.
137
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:23,960
What the fuck are you doing?
138
00:06:23,995 --> 00:06:25,877
I cut my thumb off.
139
00:06:25,912 --> 00:06:27,725
Look. Oh, Christ.
140
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,520
There was someone in the garden,
a man in the bushes.
141
00:06:30,555 --> 00:06:31,925
I got distracted.
142
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,605
Caught kimono in saw,
took hand with it.
143
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:37,160
Where's the thumb?
Well, where did you last see it?
144
00:06:37,195 --> 00:06:38,840
On my fucking hand, you moron!
145
00:06:38,875 --> 00:06:39,885
Where did it land?
146
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:42,920
I don't know, I was too busy
having my thumb cut off.
147
00:06:42,955 --> 00:06:45,085
Call an ambulance! Yep.
148
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,280
Oh, dear me, Ted,
put some clothes on.
149
00:06:47,315 --> 00:06:48,565
I can see your aubergine.
150
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,560
Ambulance, please.
He's cut his thumb off.
151
00:06:50,595 --> 00:06:52,205
Find it, find the thumb.
152
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,360
My neighbour's
cut his thumb off on a...
153
00:06:54,395 --> 00:06:57,157
..DeWalt DCS391 XR.
154
00:06:57,192 --> 00:06:59,885
Oh, nice bit of kit.
155
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,245
They want the fucking make?
156
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,460
6 Fountain Close, SM5. Found it.
157
00:07:03,495 --> 00:07:05,605
Going to need a rinse. OK, thanks.
158
00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:08,120
We have to raise the arm and pack
the thumb in ice, apparently.
159
00:07:08,155 --> 00:07:09,960
Leave it to me. I love a drama.
160
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,200
Oh, it's cold.
161
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,760
Snazzy kitchen!
162
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,740
I realise you're not
having the best day,
163
00:07:48,775 --> 00:07:50,885
but I really need
to borrow your car.
164
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:52,845
We need to get April
to the hospital. Eurgh!
165
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:55,480
There's no way your girlfriend's
leaking all over the Lambo.
166
00:07:55,515 --> 00:07:58,200
That interior's hand-rubbed leather.
167
00:07:58,235 --> 00:07:59,485
Can you do me a favour?
168
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:02,200
Today of all days, could you just
dial back on the dick a bit?
169
00:08:02,235 --> 00:08:03,205
Dick?
170
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:04,920
I'm not the dick, YOU'RE the dick.
171
00:08:04,955 --> 00:08:06,245
You're a wedding DJ.
172
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:07,880
Audiovisual events coordinator.
173
00:08:07,915 --> 00:08:09,445
Yeah, for weddings.
174
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,285
I'm dicing with disability here.
175
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,640
I haven't got time to worry
about the latest addition
176
00:08:13,675 --> 00:08:14,845
to your weird family.
177
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,725
What do you mean, weird? Well...
178
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:20,120
You're out of ice, so I improvised
with some waffles.
179
00:08:20,155 --> 00:08:21,477
Dad, Mum wants you!
180
00:08:21,512 --> 00:08:22,800
We're out here!
181
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:25,405
What is going on?
182
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:28,640
It's Yul Brynner. I literally don't
know who any of these people are.
183
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:29,885
Where's your hair?
184
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,320
Now, don't panic, love.
Your dad's had a bit of an accident,
185
00:08:32,355 --> 00:08:34,640
but it's all under control.
I'M her dad.
186
00:08:34,675 --> 00:08:36,680
What is that? No, no, don't look.
187
00:08:36,715 --> 00:08:38,157
You'll spoil the surprise.
188
00:08:38,192 --> 00:08:39,565
I thought I was getting a car.
189
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:42,080
Come on, we'll have to
take April in the Uber.
190
00:08:42,115 --> 00:08:43,765
Ted, stay with me.
191
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:45,840
How many fingers am I holding up?
192
00:08:45,875 --> 00:08:47,280
Are you taking the piss?
193
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,640
Do you think I'm weird? Yes.
194
00:08:51,675 --> 00:08:54,005
OK. Good. Honest.
195
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:55,600
I mean, who is she, anyway?
196
00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:57,077
Who? Your girlfriend.
197
00:08:57,112 --> 00:08:58,485
She's my girlfriend.
198
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,480
Mum says you're having
a midlife crisis.
199
00:09:00,515 --> 00:09:02,405
I'm not the one with
the yellow Lamborghini.
200
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,800
No, you're the one dying your beard
and dating someone 20 years younger.
201
00:09:05,835 --> 00:09:07,357
She's old enough to be your...
202
00:09:07,392 --> 00:09:08,880
..significantly older sister.
203
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,325
Where have you been?
204
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,285
I wanted this to be perfect!
205
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:19,560
But at this rate, our child's going
to be delivered by your ex-wife
206
00:09:19,595 --> 00:09:21,885
on these stairs.
207
00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:23,925
Thanks! It's not my fault.
208
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,405
Have you got the car?
Ted won't let me use it.
209
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,840
Oh, for Christ's sake.
What have you said to him this time?
210
00:09:28,875 --> 00:09:30,045
Well, to begin with,
211
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:32,360
"Why are you lying naked
on the patio covered in blood?"
212
00:09:32,395 --> 00:09:34,640
What are you talking about?
He's cut his thumb off.
213
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:37,240
What? No, please don't leave me!
214
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,405
Not off.
215
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:41,840
He's just cut it.
216
00:09:41,875 --> 00:09:42,880
Not off?
217
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:46,440
Stuart, has he cut his thumb off?!
218
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,325
No.
219
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,120
We could all squeeze in the Uber.
220
00:09:57,155 --> 00:09:58,360
Be here in a few minutes.
221
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:02,440
Right, time for a quick poo.
222
00:10:02,475 --> 00:10:04,485
Here we go.
223
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:10,960
Charlie's here!
224
00:10:10,995 --> 00:10:12,680
Is that weed?
225
00:10:12,715 --> 00:10:13,720
No. Yes.
226
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,140
I've got a wounded soldier here.
227
00:10:44,175 --> 00:10:47,040
Oh, Christ. Stuart, it's off!
It's totally off!
228
00:10:47,075 --> 00:10:48,125
Sorry.
229
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,320
Kate? Is that you?
230
00:10:50,355 --> 00:10:51,565
Oh, Ted.
231
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:52,925
Ambulance can't get here.
232
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,120
There's a herd of cows
blocking the road.
233
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,685
I'll stick the thumb in the freezer.
234
00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:59,125
Madonna, go and find
something for Ted to wear.
235
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,720
Everybody just chill.
It's only a bit of thumb trauma.
236
00:11:01,755 --> 00:11:04,080
They can work wonders
with a needle and thread.
237
00:11:04,115 --> 00:11:05,285
Chin up, fella.
238
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,280
We'll jump in the cab
with these dudes.
239
00:11:13,575 --> 00:11:14,565
Jesus.
240
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,080
Someone in here!
241
00:11:16,872 --> 00:11:17,525
I'm busy!
242
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:18,880
Open up, I need a word.
243
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:31,125
You all right?
244
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:32,765
Been shitting in the sink?
245
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,680
It's beard dye.
Why are you here, Charlie?
246
00:11:35,715 --> 00:11:37,245
Nothing to worry about.
247
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:41,165
I think the police
might be after me.
248
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,200
But they're on
the Isle of Man, I'm over here,
249
00:11:43,235 --> 00:11:44,520
so what are they going to do?
250
00:11:44,555 --> 00:11:46,085
What have you done?
251
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:49,120
Have you ever heard
of something called
252
00:11:49,155 --> 00:11:50,737
a Ponzi scheme? Yeah.
253
00:11:50,772 --> 00:11:52,285
I done a Ponzi scheme.
254
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,085
Fuck. You're going to
end up back in prison.
255
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,280
Well, it weren't my fault
the arse fell out the Dow Jones.
256
00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:57,405
You're an idiot. Am I? Yeah.
257
00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,960
And this is the first place the
police are going to look for you.
258
00:11:59,995 --> 00:12:02,040
Oh, don't worry about that.
I kept off the roads.
259
00:12:02,075 --> 00:12:04,125
I garden-hopped
my way round the close.
260
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,400
Were you just in Ted's garden?
Yes. What's he building?
261
00:12:06,435 --> 00:12:07,765
A pagoda.
262
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:10,800
You can't stay here, Charlie.
I've got enough on my plate.
263
00:12:10,835 --> 00:12:13,800
Oh, well. If I'm going down,
you're going down with me.
264
00:12:13,835 --> 00:12:15,360
What's that supposed to mean?
265
00:12:15,395 --> 00:12:17,125
You're a wedding DJ.
266
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:19,800
How do you think you got
the mortgage on this place?
267
00:12:19,835 --> 00:12:21,120
I didn't, you did.
268
00:12:21,155 --> 00:12:22,445
Did I?
269
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:23,800
Didn't you?
270
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,400
Shitting or chatting?
271
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,165
We must tell your mother.
272
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:41,560
Mind you, she hasn't spoken to me
since I started dabbling in cock.
273
00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,205
Cab's here!
274
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,960
You'd better go. Stuart!
275
00:12:44,995 --> 00:12:46,400
Get a move on!
276
00:12:46,435 --> 00:12:47,600
Yep!
277
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,925
That's it, deep breaths.
278
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:56,720
You're a strong, powerful,
independent woman, just like me.
279
00:12:56,755 --> 00:12:58,840
Yeah, and I'm young and I'm happy.
280
00:12:58,875 --> 00:13:00,165
Oh, thank you, Kate.
281
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,360
When this is done, I'm going
to give you such a makeover.
282
00:13:03,395 --> 00:13:04,485
Breathe in the pain.
283
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:06,280
You breathe into the fucking pain.
284
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:11,200
Come on, sunshine. Let's get
that digit attached, tout de suite.
285
00:13:11,235 --> 00:13:13,605
Do you know? I feel fantastic.
286
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:16,405
Dad, why did you order
an Uber pool?
287
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:18,725
A what? There's two people
already in there.
288
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:21,540
Look after April. I love what
you've done with your head.
289
00:13:21,575 --> 00:13:24,320
Look, here's the deal. I've got
Ted here, who's a thumb down,
290
00:13:24,355 --> 00:13:26,165
and a young lady
about to pop a sprog.
291
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:29,000
You're going to have to give me
some wriggle room here, dudes.
292
00:13:29,035 --> 00:13:31,837
What's going on? There's only
two spaces left. We're late.
293
00:13:31,872 --> 00:13:34,640
All the roads are closed cos
of the bloody cattle incident.
294
00:13:34,675 --> 00:13:37,445
Please get out the fucking cab.
Hello, gentlemen.
295
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:40,260
As you can see, we've got
a rather pressing situation here
296
00:13:40,295 --> 00:13:43,567
and, while we appreciate your need
to get to your destination,
297
00:13:43,602 --> 00:13:46,840
could you possibly see your way
to letting us hijack your vehicle?
298
00:13:46,875 --> 00:13:48,120
Let's go.
299
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,525
Ted! Oh!
300
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,885
Sod it, I'm taking his car.
Where are the keys?
301
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,720
Well, there aren't any keys. It's
one of those fingerprint things.
302
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:00,805
Oh, of course it is.
303
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,960
You can't move him. Yes, I can.
304
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,040
Oh, please, just do something!
305
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,800
Load him on the lounger.
Brilliant! Careful, careful.
306
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:14,880
Oh, Ted!
307
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,800
So, thought of any names, Stu?
308
00:14:23,835 --> 00:14:24,925
Not really.
309
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,120
My mum and dad thought
I was going to be a girl.
310
00:14:27,155 --> 00:14:30,280
They were going to call me
Carol or Linda.
311
00:14:30,315 --> 00:14:32,080
I quite like Sue.
312
00:14:32,115 --> 00:14:33,360
Right.
313
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,120
Oh, God.
314
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:43,160
Come on.
315
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:47,520
Try the other hand, dude.
316
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:59,640
Oh, fuck! Oh, you don't think...?
317
00:14:59,675 --> 00:15:00,725
Of course I do.
318
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:02,960
Better fetch the waffles.
They're in your freezer.
319
00:15:02,995 --> 00:15:05,160
It'll be frozen solid.
Bung it in the microwave.
320
00:15:05,195 --> 00:15:07,600
It's not a lamb bhuna.
He'll be fine.
321
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:13,820
Back in a minute. Stuart!
322
00:15:13,855 --> 00:15:15,400
Breathe out the baby!
323
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:18,565
Have you seen this?
324
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,080
There's a load of cows
hanging about on the A232.
325
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,245
I can't believe it.
My own brother, blackmailing me.
326
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,720
Oh, don't get your knickers
in a twist. I'll be out your hair
327
00:15:32,755 --> 00:15:35,240
as soon as I've managed
to find an Airbnb in La Paz.
328
00:15:35,275 --> 00:15:37,077
A week, tops.
329
00:15:37,112 --> 00:15:38,845
Three weeks max.
330
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:40,280
What are you doing now? Nothing.
331
00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:41,885
Yay, best birthday ever.
332
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,080
And Bob's your uncle,
classic gin sling.
333
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:47,520
Oh...
334
00:15:47,555 --> 00:15:48,760
Eurgh!
335
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:52,900
Oh, shit! It's not working.
336
00:15:52,935 --> 00:15:54,640
I told you it is frozen solid.
337
00:15:54,675 --> 00:15:55,800
Shit! Don't panic.
338
00:15:55,835 --> 00:15:57,045
Suck it.
339
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:58,765
What? Suck his thumb.
340
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,405
No fucking way! You suck it.
341
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:03,040
Not your Nelly.
Go on, give it a quick suck.
342
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,800
Oh, Gordon Bennett,
he's only gone and done it!
343
00:16:11,835 --> 00:16:14,325
Stop sucking my thumb, DJ.
344
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,600
Fine, just get here
as fast as you can.
345
00:16:16,635 --> 00:16:18,840
Stuart, there's
a car two minutes away.
346
00:16:18,875 --> 00:16:20,125
What car?
347
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:22,085
Ted and I got Madonna
a car for her birthday.
348
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,480
What, so you DID get her a car?
It's a Citroen C3.
349
00:16:24,515 --> 00:16:26,840
Ooh, snazz! It was supposed
to arrive this morning
350
00:16:26,875 --> 00:16:28,800
when she was getting her hair done.
351
00:16:28,835 --> 00:16:30,557
Great. Thanks very much.
352
00:16:30,592 --> 00:16:32,245
What's your problem?
353
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:34,520
It's going to get your
girlfriend to hospital.
354
00:16:34,555 --> 00:16:36,280
Yeah. But how does that
make me look?
355
00:16:36,315 --> 00:16:37,437
Like a wedding DJ.
356
00:16:37,472 --> 00:16:38,560
Yes, all right, Ted.
357
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:43,880
Oh, shit. What? Charlie.
358
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:45,925
Take me to hospital!
359
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,480
This is no longer beautiful.
With you in a minute.
360
00:16:48,515 --> 00:16:50,217
He's not here.
I haven't seen him in weeks.
361
00:16:50,252 --> 00:16:51,885
And even if I had seen him,
which I haven't,
362
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,360
I'd have been straight on the
phone to you guys. He's there.
363
00:16:54,395 --> 00:16:55,445
What?
364
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:57,805
Sorry, all. Nodded off on the bog.
365
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,680
William Hope, I'm arresting you
for criminal damage. Oh, God.
366
00:17:00,715 --> 00:17:03,637
We have CCTV footage that clearly
shows you releasing several
367
00:17:03,672 --> 00:17:06,560
dozen cows from a local farm,
causing major traffic disruption.
368
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:10,685
What's happening, dude?
369
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,440
Dad got pissed
and broke into a farm.
370
00:17:12,475 --> 00:17:13,685
Yep, not interested.
371
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,685
There is a problem
with Madonna's car.
372
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:18,160
Unfortunately, my husband's
had a rather nasty accident
373
00:17:18,195 --> 00:17:19,365
with a power saw.
374
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,245
Do you have room to
take him to hospital?
375
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:23,440
Thumb's in here,
flanked by a pair of waffles.
376
00:17:23,475 --> 00:17:25,200
I'd recommend haste.
It's on the thaw.
377
00:17:25,235 --> 00:17:27,205
Right. Stick him in.
378
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:29,680
I'll finish the pagoda.
Don't bother.
379
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,680
Can you take my girlfriend? Why?
380
00:17:31,715 --> 00:17:32,960
I'm having a baby.
381
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:36,680
We'll be right behind you, darling.
382
00:17:36,715 --> 00:17:38,040
I love you, Kate Fundy.
383
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,080
I love you, April Long-Carrington.
384
00:17:43,115 --> 00:17:45,800
This is the best day of my life!
385
00:17:45,835 --> 00:17:47,280
Yep.
386
00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:00,280
Right, better get lunch on the go.
387
00:18:00,315 --> 00:18:02,517
I was going to have waffles.
388
00:18:02,552 --> 00:18:04,476
Thanks, Barry. No, I had fun.
389
00:18:04,511 --> 00:18:06,400
Keeps the depression at bay.
390
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:15,900
Sorry about the car.
391
00:18:15,935 --> 00:18:17,267
Ploughed into a cow.
392
00:18:17,302 --> 00:18:18,600
Insurance'll cover it.
393
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,440
Happy birthday, Madonna.
394
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:23,800
I got you some jeans.
395
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:28,405
You were amazing last night.
396
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,560
Sorry about the noises. She's with
me now. I thought you were her dad.
397
00:18:31,595 --> 00:18:34,080
Everything I do goes wrong.
Oh, fuck off!
398
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,200
My IBS is out of control.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
399
00:18:39,235 --> 00:18:41,205
I'm starting to get hot farts.
400
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,485
You truly are a lingering
disappointment.
401
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:47,200
You fucking idiot!
You're absolutely useless. Wanker!
402
00:18:47,235 --> 00:18:50,205
Nice one, Pat. You as well. Righto.
403
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:54,460
What's all this, then? All right?
Healthy body, healthy balls.
404
00:18:54,495 --> 00:18:58,680
We are in what is commonly
known as a polyamorous relationship.
405
00:18:58,715 --> 00:18:59,685
Dear God!
406
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,680
Or, as I like to call it,
a throuple. Disgusting pervert!
407
00:19:02,715 --> 00:19:05,640
We're just a regular family
who enjoy each other's company.
408
00:19:05,675 --> 00:19:07,400
I'm not afraid to give
you a spanking!
409
00:19:07,435 --> 00:19:08,640
Yeah, I'd like to see you try!
410
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:26,280
I didn't expect to see your penis
in my car. And I'm afraid anus.
411
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:30,920
This might be the lowest point
of my life. About average for me.
30023
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