Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello.

I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

I receive so many letters from you girls,

and the letters go like this.

Dear Jack LaLanne, will you please show us

something to firm up the hips?

All right. I want you to lie on your side. Face me.

Then I want you to lift your leg up high as you can.

Uh-oh.

Ready? Begin.

One and two.

That's it. And higher and down.

Up, down, and rest.

One, two. That was fine. Perfect.

Mm-hmm.

We're going to be standing on our feet.

Everyone get up. Come on, everyone up.

That's it. Up, up, up.

We always have somebody that's a slow one.

So?

The next exercise is dedicated to all of you

who want to have a lovelier neck.

That's for me.

Let's all begin together.

Ready, go.

One, two.

That's it. Slowly. Up and down and around. That's it.

And one, and two.

Great.

That feels good.

The next exercise is to firm up the waistline,

so you can look much nicer in your clothes.

Gee.

Right, then to the left.

Go with me. Ready? Begin.

One, two, one, two.

Swing it, Jack.

One, two. Get way out.

And swing.

Feel the waistline tightening up?

One, two.

Out, in.

One, two, one, two.

One, two.

Ed, you and this television set.

Aw, Wilbur.

You left it on again last night.

I fell asleep.

That's no excuse.

Get me a remote control and it won't happen.

Remote control. Huh!

Next thing you'll be asking for is a color television.

Oh, no. I may be a horse, but I'm not a pig.

Dishes. Just no end.

In our house, my husband does them.

Kay, you're always joking.

I've been in your house when you did the dishes.

Yeah, but that's only on the nights when my husband does the cooking.

Hello, girls.

Oh, say, hi Wilbur.

I'm glad you came in.

Will you do me a great favor?

You can have anything I've got.

My horse, my house, my mortgage.

That's exactly what I want.

Our mortgage?

Now that's what I call being a good neighbor.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'd like to borrow Mr. Ed for this Saturday.

Oh, you want to take him for a ride?

Me? I wouldn't ride a horse

if he came with white wall tires.

No, it's for my little niece Peggy.

Oh, is she feeling any better?

Quite a bit. You know, I got a letter from her this morning,

and she wants more than anything else

to ride Mr. Ed again.

Oh, sure. When's she coming to town?

Well, she can't leave Mountain Springs for a while.

She's still recuperating.

So I guess we'll just have to take Mr. Ed up to see her.

Oh, honey, can we?

It's all right with me.

I don't think Ed has anything planned for the weekend.

[gunshots]

Ah, thanks, Wilbur.

Killings, shootings, violence.

Is this for our children?

You know something, Ed?

We're going to see little Peggy again.

Ah, swell.

When is she coming over?

Well, she's at Mountain Springs,

still recuperating.

We're going up there.

Mountain Springs?

How high is that?

Oh, it's about 3,000 feet.

No, no, the deal's off.

Why?

I've got acrophobia.

Acrophobia?

That's a fear of high places.

I know what it is,

but I didn't know horses could be afraid of heights.

Why not? We're human.

Well, Mountain Springs is only 3,000 feet.

Please. I get dizzy when I look down my nose.

Ed, it's for little Peggy.

Don't you want to help her?

Sure, but let's face it, Wilbur.

I'm yellow.

Ed.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

My horse is chicken.

That's right.

Ed, I promised Kay that we'd go to Mountain Springs this weekend

to see her niece.

Oh, a fine thing.

All the favors that I've done for you,

and this is the way you repay me.

All right, you can just forget about

that remote control set, buddy boy--

Wilbur, to whom are you talking?

Myself. Didn't you ever talk to yourself?

Not since I've been married.

Are you all right?

Never better.

Look, about little Peggy--

I just talked with her on the phone.

Wilbur, you have no idea what a wonderful thing

you are doing for that child.

Just the idea of seeing Mr. Ed again

has filled that child's heart with happiness.

Yeah. Well, Roger, I'm afraid

you're going to have to get yourself another horse.

Ed can't make it this Saturday.

He can't make it? Why?

Is anything wrong with him?

Well, I--

Got a sore foot.

Peggy is going to be terribly disappointed.

I'd better tell Kay.

Oh, no, I just haven't got the heart

to call that child and tell her the bad news.

I don't understand it.

When I saw Mr. Ed this morning, he seemed perfectly all right.

Why don't we rent another horse?

Peggy would never know the difference.

Oh, of course she would.

It's very hard to fool a little girl.

Kay, Kay, I'm sorry.

If it would help any, I'd throw a saddle on my back

and let Peggy ride me.

- It's not your fault, Wilbur. - [Mr. Ed neighs]

After all, if the horse--

Well, your horse seems to have made a remarkable recovery.

Yeah, well, Ed suffers from a chronic broken leg.

I mean, it comes and goes.

Well, I might as well tell you the truth.

Ed's got acrophobia.

- Acrophobia? - What?

Yeah, that's a fear of heights.

Runs in the family.

Wilbur, you've been talking very strangely today.

- Do you feel all right? - I feel fine.

He just invented that story so he wouldn't have to lend us his horse.

Oh, but Wilbur, you promised.

Honey, I'm sorry.

Acrophobia.

You know, I'm beginning to develop a case of neighborphobia.

Come, dear.

Indian giver.

you believe me, don't you?

Of course I believe you're an Indian giver.

Ed, I think I've got it.

The answer to your problem is hypnotism.

You see, Ed, you're suffering from a phobia.

Would you stop chewing those carrots when I'm talking to you?

You ain't hypnotizing me, Svengali.

I'm just going to put you into a little trance,

and then make a few post-hypnotic suggestions

to your subconscious.

I got a better suggestion.

Give me back my carrot.

Yeah.

Now just do as I say now.

Watch the watch.

Now you're getting sleepy.

Sleepy.

Sleepy.

Your eyes are getting heavy.

You... are...

asleep.

♪ Rock-a-bye baby ♪

Now cut that out.

Ed, don't you want to lick this height phobia

and help that little girl?

Okay, I won't horse around.

Okay, now don't talk at all.

Just make your mind a complete blank.

This is ridiculous.

Relax.

You are getting sleepy.

Sleepy.

Sleepy.

[Ed] Uh-oh.

Keep your eye on the nice new watch now.

Wilbur, what are you doing?

Huh? Oh.

Uh... Oh, I was...

just winding my watch.

Why don't you wind it with that little knob on top?

Oh, well, I got tired of winding it that way.

I thought I'd just break the monotony of...

winding my watch.

Wilbur, do you feel all right?

Of course I feel all right. Why do you always ask that?

Lunch will be ready in a few minutes.

Thank you, honey.

Well, he certainly has been acting rather odd.

Now, Carol, I don't want to worry you,

but I caught Wilbur talking to himself earlier today.

Yeah, and that business about his horse having acrophobia.

And now, waving his watch to wind it.

Roger, maybe there's something on his mind that he can't tell me.

Will you please have a talk with him?

Why, of course. Now don't you worry.

Everything is going to be all right. Just leave it to me.

Thank you, Roger.

Don't bother.

[door opens, closes]

What do you think, doll?

I think some psychiatrist can start warming up his couch.

Maybe he does need psychiatry.

Why don't you suggest it to him?

I will, but I'll have to be very subtle.

You know those who need help most usually resist.

Their id is in a continual state of turmoil.

But I'll try.

Attaboy, Sigmund.

Well, winding your watch, I see.

Uh... uh, yeah. Yes.

Oh, that reminds me.

I forgot to wind mine.

Wilbur,

I need your advice.

Oh, yeah?

What can I do for you?

Well, um, it concerns a friend of mine.

He's been under a good deal of tension lately,

and he's acting rather strangely.

I was wondering what I could do to help him.

- How about a doctor? - Psychiatrist. An excellent suggestion.

You know, there's a time in every man's life

when he needs outside help

to get rid of his neuroses and phobias.

Phobias.

I know just the doctor for my friend.

>j Well, look, I, uh--

I have a friend who has that kind of problem.

Would you give me your doctor's name and address?

Oh, why, sure. Of course. Yes.

Well.

Here. Write it down.

Why...

Y-y-yeah, sure. Yeah.

Why are you writing with a carrot?

Well, don't you always write with a carrot?

No, no. I...

I use a pencil.

You better get a hold of yourself, Roger.

Psychiatry.

I'm sure my friend will appreciate this.

Uh, yes. Uh...

Here.

Thanks, Rog.

I'm worried about him, Ed.

He was trying to write with a carrot.

Oh, well.

Dr. Bruce Gordon.

- Wilbur. - Yeah?

No head-shrinkers for me.

Sure, Ed.

Hello. Dr. Bruce Gordon?

Well, this is Wilbur Post.

Roger Addison recommended you to me.

Roger, it's him.

Yes, Mr. Post. What can I do for you?

I'd like an appointment.

All right, Mr. Post. When would be convenient?

Well, could you come to my barn?

Your barn?

Yeah. I'd come to your office,

but my horse won't ride in the elevator.

He's in big trouble.

Your horse?

Yes, he's the patient. He's afraid of heights.

This is a classic case.

He says he has a horse that has a fear of heights.

So that's it.

Wilbur has acrophobia, and he's afraid to let anyone know.

That's why he canceled his trip to the mountains.

That's the least of his worries.

Uh, I don't usually make barn calls, Mr. Post.

But since you're a friend of Roger's,

I'll-- I'll accommodate you.

Thank you, Doctor.

Can you be here at 2:00 sharp?

Yes.

You see, my wife goes to the beauty parlor,

so my horse and I will be expecting you.

Good-bye.

Uh, good-bye.

Bruce, you're doing me a great favor.

You're doing me a greater favor.

Why, this ought to get me the lead article

in The Psychiatric Journal.

A horse. Interesting.

Well, Ed, Dr. Gordon will be here at 2:00.

You're wasting your time.

I don't talk to anybody except you.

Ed, please.

Don't worry. I've thought of that.

I'm gonna make the doctor believe that I am the patient.

How? We don't look alike.

Here's my plan.

The doctor will go into my office.

I'll go into the stall with you.

Behind closed doors, he'll think he's talking to me.

[laughs]

He will be, 'cause I ain't gonna be there.

Ed, please.

Please, Ed. Little Peggy.

This dear little girl is recuperating,

and she wants to see you.

Now, Ed,

you want to help her, don't you?

[sniffles]

Okay, okay.

Stop with the hearts and flowers.

Why don't we go into your office,

[lowers voice] Mr. Post?

I don't want my horse to hear this.

Oh.

What if he did?

Then he wouldn't talk.

I see. Your horse talks.

Well, that's what I want to tell you.

You see, you're going to be the only other person

who knows that he does.

Good. Good.

I'm honored, but let's get started.

I have a long paper to write when this is over.

This way.

Now, Doctor, you go into my office,

and I'll go into the stall,

and the next voice you hear will be mine.

We're all set, Ed.

Okay, Doctor. I'm ready when you are.

[Dr. Gordon] Now, Mr. Post, I want you just to relax

and tell me all about yourself.

Now what is your earliest recollection?

[Ed] Uh, at birth,

I weighed 68 pounds.

68 pounds?

Yep. I was an incubator baby.

About your acrophobia, Mr. Post,

when did the first syndrome manifest itself?

Make him talk English.

He wants to know when your phobia started.

Oh. Why didn't he say so?

[Ed] It's a family curse.

It, uh, started when my great-grandfather

fell off a cliff.

How did that happen?

He was chasing a filly.

She made a sudden stop.

Va-va-va-voom!

Good-bye, Grandpa.

Yes, yes. Uh, go on.

After your grandfather fell off the cliff,

what happened?

[Ed] Well, it kinda knocked the wind out of that romance.

How old was your grandfather at the time?

Uh, nine years old.

Uh, Mr. Post, I think we've had enough for one day.

Will you come out now, please?

Doctor, before you go, may I ask you one question?

Well, certainly.

[Ed splutters]

Doctor, how do you overcome this fear of heights?

Well, we overcome a phobia by doing the thing we fear.

Oh. You mean,

by forcing yourself to climb to a high place,

you might conquer this fear?

- Precisely. - [whispers] Louder.

[shouts] Precisely.

[loud voice] Thank you, Doctor.

[normal voice] I'll walk you to your car.

What do you think, Doctor?

It's amazing.

This will make medical history.

You don't know what a relief it is

to know that somebody else besides me knows that my horse talks.

Fantastic case of schizophrenia.

Mr. Post, you are part architect, part horse.

Well, I've been--

No, no. That's my horse that was talking.

Doc, you gotta believe me.

Just relax.

The first step toward recovery is knowing your illness.

I'm not sick.

Of course not. Of course not.

Now about your next appointment.

I don't need any appointment. It's him.

Shall we say tomorrow? In your stall or in my office?

It's not "my" stall.

I'm not a horse.

Good!

You see? You're improving already.

Well, see you tomorrow.

Uh, don't call us. We'll call you.

You heard what the doctor said.

The only way to lick your fear of heights

is by going up to a high place.

You'll have to carry me.

I'll think of something.

Honey, how about a kiss?

Well...

How high are we?

Oh, just a few feet.

How much is "a few"?

Well, why don't you take a look for yourself?

No, no, no!

Ed, you are a coward.

We've already established that.

Come one, Ed. Look.

Can't. I'm in a trance.

Ed, come on. Take a look.

Fred, somebody's watching us.

I'll be right back, Bernice.

Come on. One little peek.

Hey, fella, what are you? A peeping tom?

I beg your pardon?

- How long you gonna be here? - Just a few minutes.

Well, hurry it up, will you?

Why didn't you belt him one?

Ed, you're being obvious.

You're just trying to cause trouble

so he'll chase us away from here, and you won't have to look down.

Come on, Bernice.

No. Not here.

That's telling him, Bernice.

Ed, be quiet.

You're getting me in trouble.

Well, are you taking me down?

Not until you look over the edge.

Come on, Bernice.

Don't kiss that slob, Ber--

You're really a joker, aren't you?

- No, no. That wasn't me. - Now listen.

I'm gonna tell you just once.

Beat it.

Make me, fatso.

Okay, buddy. You asked for it.

[Ed] Shall I call the boys, Wilbur?

Uh, yeah.

Fella's looking for trouble. Gonna round up the whole gang.

They're just around the bend.

Now, look. Take it easy, will you? Just forget it.

Forget it!

Okay, Ed. You win.

- [car door shuts] - Let's go home.

[car engine starts]

Hey, Wilbur, look.

The San Fernando Valley.

Ed, you're looking down there.

You beat the phobia.

Yeah. What do you know?

Ed, you're gonna make a certain little girl

very happy tomorrow.

- Uh, Wilbur? - What?

Has horse ever climbed the Matterhorn?

Not yet.

Wilbur, wasn't it worth the trip,

just seeing Peggy's face light up when she saw Mr. Ed?

Yeah. Maybe we'll go up there again next week, huh?

Honey, I'm so glad you're your old self again.

Well, licking my fear of heights had a lot to do with it.

I'm so proud of you, darling.

- Don't be too long, now. - Be right with you.

[sighs] Ed, this has been such an exciting day,

I doubt if I'll be able to sleep tonight.

Uh, buddy boy, look in my eyes.

You're getting sleepy.

Sleepy...

Sleepy...

[laughter]

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.