Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ [theme]

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

How are the carrots, Ed?

Delicious.

Want some more?

No, thanks. I've had it.

- Wilbur. - Yeah?

I'm lucky.

Nice stable, all the food I can eat,

and a wonderful owner.

You deserve it, Ed.

y Why don't you adopt me and make it legal?

You're already one of the family.

I mean, there's you, Carol, and me.

Just the three of us.

[Mister Ed chuckles] That's my boy.

[door opens]

Wilbur, how would you like to join me for lunch?

ko You know, a nice meat sandwich,

some French-fried potatoes, pickles?

Mmm, sounds good.

Would you mind preparing it?

Well, why don't we wait till the girls get back, huh?

Oh, you know where my wife is?

She's with Carol.

Today they're working for the Humane Society.

There they go again.

Once again our dear wives

are off on another one of those civic projects.

In the meantime we join the legion of the hungry.

Yup, Stomachs Anonymous.

There should be a Humane Society for husbands.

Oh, do you mind if I browse through your refrigerator?

I looked in mine, and even the light was out.

- Help yourself. - Thank you.

In the meantime, in case the cupboard is bare,

throw me a carrot.

[Mister Ed snorts]

[dog yelping]

What's that?

You can bet it ain't a horse.

I wish Addison would let me buy a poodle.

Doesn't he like dogs?

He barely tolerates me.

Oh, come on, Pierre. Come to your Aunt Kay.

- Oh, doll. - Hello, girls.

- Oh, hi. - Hi, honey.

Cute little dog. Who's is it?

Ours.

Honey, Kay and I have been working at the pound,

and he was so cute.

I just couldn't resist bringing him home.

Honey, I don't mind you getting a dog,

but couldn't you get a man's dog?

I mean, these dogs are so frail and and pune--

Welcome to the family.

[splutters]

a+ Well, he's a cute little thing, isn't he?

What's his name?

Pierre. He's a lost dog. Nobody claimed him.

If you offer him a biscuit, he rolls over.

If somebody offered me a biscuit, I'd roll over, too.

Oh, come on, doll. I'll fix your lunch right now.

Did I neglect my sweetheart?

I don't know about him, but I'm starving.

Oh, come on.

[Kay] Roger, wait.

Don't you want to see the cute tricks Pierre can do?

I do not like these barking, noisy creatures.

He can't forget the time that a dog bit him on the beach.

Neither can the dog. I bit him right back.

Come on, Kay. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Come on, Pierre, let's see if you can do some tricks.

- Yeah. - Oh, you're so cute.

Maybe he can sit up, huh?

Come on, Pierre, sit up. Sit up.

Sit up. Come on, sit--

- Oh! - Hey, that's great.

Isn't that adorable?

Just the three of us, huh?

ÑX Carol, I want you and Wilbur to see the sweater

that I got for little Pierre.

Sure, come on over.

Addison, doll, wait till you see what I just bought.

Woman, have you no regard for money?

Of course. I love it.

Then why do you get rid of it so fast?

How do you like it?

Beautiful. Wear it in good health.

You know it's for Pierre.

My money is buying ermine for a dog?

How come you didn't buy him mink?

Don't be silly, doll.

It wouldn't go with his coloring.

Ermine for a dog, and I have to scrounge for a sandwich.

Oh, is this so marvelous? I love it.

[Roger] Hello, Carol.

[Wilbur] Hi, Roger.

Carol, look what I got for Pierre.

Any dog would love it, wouldn't he?

Oh, it's adorable.

Wilbur, look, an ermine sweater for Pierre.

Oh, Roger, you shouldn't.

Oh, Wilbur, I didn't.

j@ [Kay] I hope it's the right size.

If it's too small, Pierre can always wear it as a stole.

[Carol] Oh, Wilbur, look.

[Kay] Hold still, Pierre. You'll love every minute of it.

What a beautiful fit. Isn't it a beautiful fit, Roger?

I like the cut of the pockets.

[overlapping chatter]

This town's not big enough for both of us.

That French mutt has got to go.

[bugle playing Reveille]

It's 1:00. Up, Pierre! Rise and shine!

Bark. Wake up that Roger Addison.

- [barking] - Louder, Pierre.

Let's hear it for old Ed. Come on, bark.

[chuckles] That's a nice, little, stupid dog.

[barking continues]

I knew this would happen.

I knew it. I knew it.

Oh, please don't call Wilbur.

It's 1:00, and you'll wake them.

Fine. We'll have a pajama party.

Wrong number.

Please, doll, they're our friends.

Don't start anything.

I am not going to spend the rest of my life

falling out of bed at 1:00 in the morning.

Oh, now, calm yourself, sweetheart.

Oh, there's a nice doggy.

- Doll? - [barking continues]

Let's go to sleep.

Sorry I'm late with your breakfast, Ed,

but I had to feed Pierre.

You know, it's hard to find out

what a little dog wants.

[Mister Ed] Well, that's okay.

As long as the little fellow's happy.

Say, I hope his barking didn't wake you up last night.

What barking? Didn't hear a thing.

Wilbur, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.

I know. I'm sorry our dog woke you up last night.

- It won't happen again. - Oh, you sold him?

No. I'm going to spend the day teaching him not to bark.

You're a strange man, Wilbur.

First a horse, now a dog.

When do the camels move in?

Anybody who doesn't like dogs is no good in my book.

♪ [Reveille]

Hey, meatloaf, rise and shine.

Wake up that grouch Addison.

0 Come on, Pierre, bark.

Uh-oh, Wilbur's training got to him.

Come on, Pierre, bark.

Like this-- [fakes barking]

[barking]

That's it. Keep it up.

Doll, watch your blood pressure.

Never mind my blood pressure. I'm going to get rid

of that mutt, or I'll move to a zoo.

- But doll-- - [barking continues]

[Carol] I'm worried about him.

[Mister Ed snores]

[Wilbur] Worried about him?

Woke me out of a sound sleep.

Aw, poor baby. I wonder why he was barking.

Maybe he heard a noise.

Impossible. It would have awakened Ed.

[Ed snores]

Wilbur, you promised. Now, I think I bet-- 1:00 in the morning.

I don't care what you say. I think I've been very nice about this.

- And that dog-- - You're absolutely right.

What's wrong with little Pierre?

What is wrong with him?

Carol thinks the dog may have heard a sudden noise.

That was me falling out of bed.

Kids, don't be angry with Addison.

He's a little nervous

because he hasn't been sleeping very much lately.

I mean-- Bye, now.

Why can't you fall asleep?

Pity he can't count sheep. Maybe he's hungry.

Oh, I'll get him some warm milk.

[snoring]

Ed?

Coming, Mother.

[groggily] Oh, hi, Wilbur. What's up?

Pierre woke up the Addisons again with his barking.

That poor little pup, he's probably teething.

You might be right.

He needs love, affection, someone who cares.

Ed, you are all heart.

Aw.

We've got to do something for that little dog.

I sure will.

Operator, get me the Police Department.

qU Oh, come on, Roger.

We want you over for breakfast.

Roger?

[snoring]

Roger.

What? What? What's that, Wilbur?

We want you and Kay over for breakfast.

[snores]

We're sorry about last night.

I promise it won't happen again.

What do you say, Roger? Will you come over?

We're having your favorite-- kippers.

[snores]

- Roger. - Huh?

Kip--Kippers? No, no, this is not the Kipper residence.

You have the wrong number. This is Mr. Addison.

Roger, don't hang up.

This is Wilbur.

Carol is having your favorite for breakfast--

Jó kippers.

Kippers? Well, why didn't you say so?

Yeah, we'll be right over.

Kippers?

- Okay, honey, they're coming. - Oh, wonderful.

Kay once told me that Roger loves kippers.

Well, he'll flip over yours.

Nobody kips a kipper like you do, kid.

[doorbell rings]

- Mr. Post? - Yes.

- You own a dog? - Yes. What's wrong?

We've had a complaint

that your dog's barking is waking the neighborhood.

- What? - This is a warning.

Next time we'll have to take action.

Who complained?

A Mr. Thompson.

Thompson?

Officer, there's no Thompson in this neighborhood.

Well, you know how it is.

Neighbors sometimes hesitate to use their right name.

I'd keep that dog quiet if I were you.

Mr. Thompson.

I wonder who that is.

Kippers.

Oh, that heavenly odor.

Hi, Roger.

Good morning. Oh, they look delicious.

[sighs]

Did I forget to say, "May I?"

Don't act so innocent... Mr. Thompson.

What are you talking about?

We're talking about a man who would stab his neighbor in the back

when his dog was turned.

Now, go in the house and play with Addison.

Good morning, darlings.

Look at the cute little booties

that I bought for Pierre.

No kippers for me, no booties for that hound.

Don't you call my dog a hound.

Kay, you belong to the Humane Society.

How could you let Roger do a thing like that?

What did he do, eat all the kippers?

They've accused me of turning their dog in to the police.

They did?

Well, that wasn't very nice of you, Addison.

Kay, I did not.

Now, wait a minute, Thompson.

And stop calling me Thompson.

Honestly, you two.

Here, sit down, Roger.

Here, honey. Sit down here please.

[chuckles]

It will soon be just the three of us again.

 Pierre ought to love that little doghouse.

I can't get over that guy calling the police.

He makes Fagan look like a girl scout.

Well, that Addison, he brings out the beast in me.

Unbelievable.

Wish I could buy back my introduction to him.

Post.

What is it, Thompson?

You know my name.

It's on that hammer you borrowed last week.

Since when is your name Sears Roebuck.

There are my initials, right there-- R.A.

Huh, Rotten Apple.

See here, Wilbur--

You're tarnishing my belt buckle.

For your information, it will never tarnish.

I gave you that belt for your birthday,

and the buckle is solid gold.

Gold plated.

Oh, I suppose you had it priced.

I didn't have to.

You left the price ticket in the box.

I'm not ashamed of what I paid for it. That cost me 13.95.

3.95. You put a one in front of the three.

Look, the stores don't close till 5:00.

Maybe you can get your money back.

I don't care about the 3.95 I-- [gasps]

[growls]

I don't see you returning that tie I gave you for Christmas.

Temper, temper, temper.

I gave you something for Christmas, too.

Oh, all right.

Happy now?

No. I gave you a hat.

And stop being childish.

Me, childish?

You phoned the police, and I'm childish.

I did nothing of the kind. Oh, what's the use?

[chuckles]

Please get up.

You are denting my dichondra.

Roger, what happened?

Wilbur-- Where's your shirt?

Well, Mr. Thompson here--

I'll explain later.

Carol, whatever you saw in that man

is not there anymore.

Come on, now, boys. Wait, Roger.

Wilbur, make up. Say something.

Okay.

Get off my property.

Wilbur, please.

I do not want to discuss it anymore.

[chuckles] Idiots.

Here's something for your nerves, doll.

How can Wilbur accuse me of turning in his dog?

You never know who your friends are till a thing like this happens.

Oh, you're right, dear.

Now tell me. Why did you call the police?

Kay, you've got to believe me.

Well, you really don't like Pierre.

May I lose every penny I have in the bank

if I called the police.

Now I believe you.

Carol, sweetie?

Right here, Kay.

Sweetie, we've got to get this thing settled once and for all.

- Now where's Wilbur? - Upstairs.

Kay, if Roger would only apologize to Wilbur.

Well, that's why I came over.

Addison never called the police.

Are you sure?

He swore on his money belt, and that's good enough for me.

Wilbur? Wilbur.

- Yes? - Kay is here,

and she said that Roger did not make that phone call.

Oh. Then he's not really Mr. Thompson?

Well, if he were, then I'd be Mrs. Thompson.

[doorbell rings]

Mr. Post, I just had another complaint.

I'm sorry, but I've come to pick up your dog.

Who complained?

That same Mr. Thompson again.

Did it sound like he had a moustache?

I don't know who he is,

but he sure doesn't like barking dogs.

Excuse me.

I'm afraid I'll have to pick up your dog. Where is he?

He's out back.

Just a minute, Officer. Do you have a warrant to arrest that dog?

- Yes. Have you got one? - Oh, come now, folks.

This is America, where every dog has its rights.

- Take it easy. - Our Constitution guarantees freedom of speech.

Our dog can't speak, so he barks.

Look, I've got a job to do.

Now where'd that dog go?

There he is! Come back here!

- Run, Pierre! Run! - Run! Run, Pierre!

Run!

Doll, you've got to take something for your nerves.

Kay, I did not make that first call, nor the second.

And I don't understand why Wilbur doesn't believe me.

Well, sweetie, sometimes you don't believe me, either.

That's different. We're married.

- Have another pill. - I don't need a pill.

I've got one living next door.

And I'm going over and have a talk with him right now.

Oh, but Addison, dear, please. You'll be sick.

You're so nervous.

[Pierre barking]

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

- Excuse me. - You get out of my house.

- I've come to get my dog. - But Addison, you wanted to speak to Wilbur.

In his house. He's not welcome in my house.

It's guys like you that give stool pigeons a bad name.

- Where's the dog? - That way.

Excuse me. Excuse me, Kay.

Will you kindly leave my house?

I'd like to take my arm with me.

And I'll thank you never to bother my lawn mower again.

Don't worry. And the next time I catch you sniffing my roses,

I'll phone the police.

Did the dog run through here?

Post, the minute you moved in next door,

- I knew there'd be trouble. - Excuse me.

- Any man that would turn in a little dog-- - Excuse me.

Would sell out his own brother.

And at a profit.

I don't have a brother.

The best thing that could've happened to him!

What are you doing here, you little troublemaker?

[Pierre whines]

Ed, is Pierre in there?

No. I haven't seen the little angel.

Addison called the police again.

They want to take Pierre back to the pound.

Well, maybe the little fellow would be happier there.

Ed, don't say that.

When a dog gets marked as a troublemaker, nobody wants him.

- Mm. - He'd spend the rest of his life in the pound.

- The rest of his life? - Yes. And he's just a little puppy.

Imagine Pierre being locked up for the rest of his life,

no family, nothing.

I never thought of that.

Yes, that's what'll happen to Pierre,

locked up until he's too old,

and then...

- Wilbur. - Yeah?

I've got a confession to make.

Confession? What?

I am Mr. Thompson.

What?

You made those phone calls?

Yeah.

Ed, why did you do it?

Well, since Pierre came here,

you don't know I'm alive.

Oh, Ed.

You've got no reason to be jealous.

Well, there's nobody around here could ever take your place.

You mean that, Wilbur?

Of course I do.

Ed, we're buddies.

Let's shake on it.

All right. Let's shake.

[Ed yawning]

Am I keeping you up?

The police are here.

Did you see the dog?

Officer, you can forget about it.

Mr. Thompson said he's calling off his complaint.

- He did, huh? - Yes.

He said he'd call the police station

and talk to the sergeant personally.

I wish that Thompson would make up his mind.

Flatfoot.

What did you say?

Believe me, I didn't say anything.

- I suppose it was the horse. - It was.

Oh, Kay, I'm so worried.

Where could Pierre be?

Maybe that officer found him and took him back to the pound.

- Oh, no. The poor little thing. - [door opens, closes]

Roger? Roger, I'm sorry.

I know you didn't call the police.

Mr. Thompson just told me that he did.

Are we still friends?

Now, really, Addison.

Pierre!

You've been protecting him.

I have not.

I don't know how he got here.

You see now why I married this cupcake?

Oh, let's not get mushy.

[laughing] He likes you, Mr. Thompson.

I mean Roger.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, I'll get him.

Here he is now.

Wilbur, telephone.

Thanks, Ed.

Hello.

Yes, this is Mr. Post.

Oh, the little dog? He's right here. Yeah.

Yes, he's a gray miniature poodle.

With a Dutch trim. That's right.

Oh.

Well, okay.

Thank you very much.

Good-bye.

That was the pound. They've located Pierre's owner.

It's a little boy.

Gee, I'll miss this pup.

We all will.

Well, I better go and tell Carol.

- Uh, Wilbur-- - What?

Uh, get that little boy's address, will you?

What for?

Well, I might just want to nip Pierre or something

one of these days.

Oh, Ed, just like I said,

you're all heart.

[Ed grunts]

I wonder if you can understand

what I've been saying, Pierre?

I like you. [laughs]

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

[Man] This has been a Filmways television production.