Original subtitles

Help!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Ow! That hurts like a motherfucker!

Ow!

Possum tits, that hurts!

[SIGHING]

GILBERT: Abigail.

Oh, no!

Abigail.

Uh...

Oh, that's not right. Uh...

-Ah! -Oh.

Ah! Monster!

Abigail, it's me, it's Gilbert!

What? Who?

Gilbert, your, um, husband.

Who you loved before the amnesia.

Nice try, Gilbert.

What are you doing here?

Well, I like a little self-care too, but, uh, I saw your pubic message

and I wanted to make sure you were safe.

That's very kind, but you smell like sushi

that's been sprayed with men's cologne.

Well, what happened here?

Well, I was taking a nice sauna,

and someone locked me in there and turned up the heat.

[ABIGAIL COUGHS]

It was more terrifying

than that solstice vaginal steam I had earlier.

Hey, I got that one too.

[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING]

Ding-dong.

I don't like just laying here and doing nothing!

I feel as useless as a penis at the Lilith Fair!

Aunt Abigail, I know you're a real tough bitch.

But you have to let me help you.

So let me help you!

Listen to your niece.

Jerry, what are you doing in my bedroom?

[ABIGAIL CHUCKLES]

Did you just let yourself in?

I don't mean to intrude, but I took the liberty

of hiring you a bodyguard for the next few weeks.

I can't have you dying before you finish your next novel.

You got a really weird sense of humor.

I am trying to lighten the mood and make you feel safer.

This is your bodyguard whose name is...

-Yoda. -Yoda.

Wait, that-- That can't be right.

You're named after Yoda?

Jedi master Yoda?

Resident of Dagobah? Original seat on the--

My parents named me Yoda way before those stupid movies!

Everything was fine and then Empire Strikes Back comes out

and Yoda's the name of a weird, little monster.

JERRY: Okay, well, uh...

Yoda will be at your front door all night so that you can finally get some sleep.

Nah, we don't need him.

I'm actually incredibly strong and can really fuck someone up.

Bring it.

It's all right, Heidi.

I'm too tired to argue tonight. Let the men be men.

-Well, then it's settled. HEIDI: All right.

Everyone, get out. My aunt needs some beauty sleep.

Beauty sleep? You could not get any more beautiful.

No need to butter me up like a hunk of hot sourdough, Jerry.

Abigail, your skin looks amazing.

That mud mask did wonders.

HEIDI: Shoo.

Aunt Abigail?

I'm gonna sleep in the dogs' room tonight

so that you can rest.

All right.

Now get some sleep.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SNORING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[CREAKING]

[CHUCKLES]

Ah, yeah. Oh, I...

[GRUNTING]

Yoda.

To jail you are going.

-Why'd you say it like that? -That's how Yoda speaks in Star Wars.

Never saw it, but let me try.

[YODA EXHALES]

[IN DEEP VOICE] Abigail, I am your killer.

You sure you've not seen the films? Because that sounds like Darth Vader.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Don't talk about my little brother!

Time to say goodnight forever, Mrs. Mapleworth.

Think, Abigail.

How would you write yourself out of this one?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Mrs. Mapleworth froze as her nemesis moved towards her

in all his hunkiness.

She was reminded of a recent self-defense class she attended,

taught by a handsome woman named Dallas,

who had arms of steel and fingers like feathers.

Hyah!

[GRUNTS]

You're a force of nature, Mapleworth!

Are you dating anyone?

Namaste on the floor, dipshit.

[GONG SOUNDS]

Mrs. Mapleworth.

Ha!

And this!

And another one of these, and...

[GRUNTS]

And we have a double elbow to the testiculars.

Get your ass out of my face!

[ABIGAIL YELLS]

[MUFFLED] Don't move! Don't move a muscle.

-What? -I got flustered.

Aunt Abigail, are you okay?

I'm peachy.

You are going to jail.

For attempted murder.

What's your name? What's your name?!

-His name's Yoda. BILLS: Yoda?

As in pointy-ear Chihuahua Yoda?

It's a pretty stupid name.

Pewntz! Cuff him!

He's not here.

[SOFTLY] He's not here.

Hold this, hold this, hold this.

Mm-hm.

Yeah, have that smirk on your face when you get in that bunk

with your cellmate who likes to spoon.

Hey, where'd you get these from, Toys "R" Us?

Shut up. So we finally found the murderer.

ABIGAIL: No, Bills.

-Yoda is simply a paid assassin. -Assassin!

All the black outfit, I knew it!

Same thing happens in all the James Bond movies.

Dude always wears black.

-He is not the murderer. -Not the murderer!

I was gonna say that until you stole my words.

But now, I know who the real murderer is.

Don't worry, Morty.

Even though Mrs. Mapleworth is unable

to finish her new novel because she's dead,

I have something I think you're gonna like a lot more.

Hello, Jerry.

[STAMMERING] Abigail.

You're alive! I mean, you're not dead.

I mean, you're alive. Damn it!

-What's this, Jerry? -No, nothing!

Oh, you thought with me out of the way,

you could sell Morty some of your own writing?

No! No, I mean, I wrote it. It's my first novel.

But it's pretty good if you ask me.

"Something incredible happened

and I'm going to tell you the whole entire story right here."

That's terrible writing, it's really shit.

And what is this trash font?

Comic Sans Any Talent?

Fine, I get it. Sprinks stinks.

Call me crazy, but I wouldn't mind reading that.

ABIGAIL: Shame on you, Jerry!

Trying to get me out of the way in order to further your own career?

I would never in--

You would and you did! Take him away!

Oh, thank God, for once we're gonna get a long, drawn-out Maple log.

But how did you know it was him? Please explain it to us in detail.

You stupid asshole!

Well, I was initially suspicious of Jerry when he complimented my skin.

There were only three people who knew that I had a mud mask on at that spa.

Myself, Gilbert and the person that locked me into the sauna.

This is ridiculous.

And he's my agent, that's why all the books were in the car's trunk.

What about the orange nail polish?

It wasn't orange nail polish at all.

It was orange-colored pencil.

The same pencil he uses

to edit all my books.

And also to do his color-by-number paintings in his office.

What about the tissues?

Clearly, he has an insatiable masturbation habit.

He likes to pop his Perignon.

That is a disgusting lie.

I shove tissues down the front of my pants

to create a bigger pelvic topography.

That's not better.

Okay, fine, you know what? Yes, I tried to kill you.

I'm sorry.

I loved watching you fly at first,

but then I wanted to be the one with wings.

I guess I should have told you a long time ago.

Jerry, if you told me a long time ago, I would have fired you.

I don't want to mentor anyone.

Well, of course, besides my niece, Heidi.

I think we actually mentor each other, don't we?

-Okay. BILLS: Gilbert, cuff him.

This is the hardest part of my job.

Because I'm not good at these. I'm not really good at putting this-- Ow.

JERRY: You okay? -Yeah, I'm all right.

-Watch your thumb this time. -Okay.

-There we go. -Is that too tight?

-No, that's fine. -All right.

I want to thank all of you.

Minus Jerry.

Heidi, thank you for saving me from the dildo stick of dynamite.

Chief Bills, thank you for saving me from Yoda.

And, Gilbert, thank you for rescuing me

from Crock-Potting it in the sauna.

Well, I guess there's just one last mystery for me to solve.

I can't find my favorite neck massager...

Purple Princess.

[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING]