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1
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Help!
2
00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:03,712
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
3
00:00:06,256 --> 00:00:10,385
Ow! That hurts like a motherfucker!
4
00:00:10,469 --> 00:00:12,346
Ow!
5
00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:14,139
Possum tits, that hurts!
6
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[SIGHING]
7
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GILBERT:
Abigail.
8
00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,447
Oh, no!
9
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:31,949
Abigail.
10
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,201
Uh...
11
00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:36,954
Oh, that's not right. Uh...
12
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,707
-Ah!
-Oh.
13
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:42,042
Ah! Monster!
14
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:43,794
Abigail, it's me, it's Gilbert!
15
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What? Who?
16
00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,464
Gilbert, your, um, husband.
17
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,508
Who you loved before the amnesia.
18
00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:50,968
Nice try, Gilbert.
19
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,261
What are you doing here?
20
00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:56,181
Well, I like a little self-care too,
but, uh, I saw your pubic message
21
00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:57,850
and I wanted to make sure you were safe.
22
00:00:57,933 --> 00:01:00,102
That's very kind, but you smell like sushi
23
00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:01,895
that's been sprayed with men's cologne.
24
00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:03,188
Well, what happened here?
25
00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:06,233
Well, I was taking a nice sauna,
26
00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:09,361
and someone locked me in there
and turned up the heat.
27
00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:10,779
[ABIGAIL COUGHS]
28
00:01:10,863 --> 00:01:11,822
It was more terrifying
29
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,825
than that solstice vaginal steam
I had earlier.
30
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,201
Hey, I got that one too.
31
00:01:17,536 --> 00:01:20,706
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING]
32
00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:21,832
Ding-dong.
33
00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:28,046
I don't like just laying here
and doing nothing!
34
00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:31,216
I feel as useless as a penis
at the Lilith Fair!
35
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:34,428
Aunt Abigail, I know
you're a real tough bitch.
36
00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:36,513
But you have to let me help you.
37
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,557
So let me help you!
38
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,267
Listen to your niece.
39
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Jerry, what are you doing in my bedroom?
40
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[ABIGAIL CHUCKLES]
41
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Did you just let yourself in?
42
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:47,191
I don't mean to intrude,
but I took the liberty
43
00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:50,152
of hiring you a bodyguard
for the next few weeks.
44
00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:53,614
I can't have you dying
before you finish your next novel.
45
00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,949
You got a really weird sense of humor.
46
00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:58,493
I am trying to lighten the mood
and make you feel safer.
47
00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:03,081
This is your bodyguard whose name is...
48
00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,875
-Yoda.
-Yoda.
49
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:08,003
Wait, that-- That can't be right.
50
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,421
You're named after Yoda?
51
00:02:09,505 --> 00:02:11,131
Jedi master Yoda?
52
00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:14,301
Resident of Dagobah?
Original seat on the--
53
00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:18,096
My parents named me Yoda
way before those stupid movies!
54
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:20,849
Everything was fine
and then Empire Strikes Back comes out
55
00:02:20,933 --> 00:02:23,977
and Yoda's the name
of a weird, little monster.
56
00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,437
JERRY:
Okay, well, uh...
57
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Yoda will be at your front door all night
so that you can finally get some sleep.
58
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,193
Nah, we don't need him.
59
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:35,656
I'm actually incredibly strong
and can really fuck someone up.
60
00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:36,907
Bring it.
61
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,075
It's all right, Heidi.
62
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I'm too tired to argue tonight.
Let the men be men.
63
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,121
-Well, then it's settled.
HEIDI: All right.
64
00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:45,415
Everyone, get out.
My aunt needs some beauty sleep.
65
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:48,919
Beauty sleep?
You could not get any more beautiful.
66
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:52,756
No need to butter me up
like a hunk of hot sourdough, Jerry.
67
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,217
Abigail, your skin looks amazing.
68
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,845
That mud mask did wonders.
69
00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:00,055
HEIDI:
Shoo.
70
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:01,181
Aunt Abigail?
71
00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:04,142
I'm gonna sleep in the dogs' room tonight
72
00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:05,727
so that you can rest.
73
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:06,645
All right.
74
00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,564
Now get some sleep.
75
00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:12,234
[DOOR CLOSES]
76
00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:15,237
[SNORING]
77
00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:24,788
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
78
00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:27,541
[CREAKING]
79
00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:36,049
[CHUCKLES]
80
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:39,887
Ah, yeah. Oh, I...
81
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:42,764
[GRUNTING]
82
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,018
Yoda.
83
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,563
To jail you are going.
84
00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:52,566
-Why'd you say it like that?
-That's how Yoda speaks in Star Wars.
85
00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,943
Never saw it, but let me try.
86
00:03:55,027 --> 00:03:56,195
[YODA EXHALES]
87
00:03:56,278 --> 00:04:01,408
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Abigail, I am your killer.
88
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:05,287
You sure you've not seen the films?
Because that sounds like Darth Vader.
89
00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,414
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Don't talk about my little brother!
90
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:12,711
Time to say goodnight forever,
Mrs. Mapleworth.
91
00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:14,296
Think, Abigail.
92
00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:17,883
How would you write yourself
out of this one?
93
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:20,969
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
94
00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:25,182
Mrs. Mapleworth froze
as her nemesis moved towards her
95
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,059
in all his hunkiness.
96
00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:30,312
She was reminded of a recent
self-defense class she attended,
97
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,814
taught by a handsome woman named Dallas,
98
00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:37,528
who had arms of steel
and fingers like feathers.
99
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,112
Hyah!
100
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:42,950
[GRUNTS]
101
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,202
You're a force of nature, Mapleworth!
102
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,495
Are you dating anyone?
103
00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:49,790
Namaste on the floor, dipshit.
104
00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:50,999
[GONG SOUNDS]
105
00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:53,043
Mrs. Mapleworth.
106
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,127
Ha!
107
00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,879
And this!
108
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,965
And another one of these, and...
109
00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,675
[GRUNTS]
110
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:03,512
And we have a double elbow
to the testiculars.
111
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,266
Get your ass out of my face!
112
00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,559
[ABIGAIL YELLS]
113
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[MUFFLED]
Don't move! Don't move a muscle.
114
00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:15,023
-What?
-I got flustered.
115
00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:18,318
Aunt Abigail, are you okay?
116
00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:19,570
I'm peachy.
117
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,363
You are going to jail.
118
00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,823
For attempted murder.
119
00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:24,992
What's your name? What's your name?!
120
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-His name's Yoda.
BILLS: Yoda?
121
00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,829
As in pointy-ear Chihuahua Yoda?
122
00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:30,455
It's a pretty stupid name.
123
00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,457
Pewntz! Cuff him!
124
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,209
He's not here.
125
00:05:34,293 --> 00:05:35,169
[SOFTLY]
He's not here.
126
00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:37,296
Hold this, hold this, hold this.
127
00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:38,505
Mm-hm.
128
00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:42,718
Yeah, have that smirk on your face
when you get in that bunk
129
00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:45,679
with your cellmate who likes to spoon.
130
00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,391
Hey, where'd you get these from,
Toys "R" Us?
131
00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:52,603
Shut up. So we finally found the murderer.
132
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:53,562
ABIGAIL:
No, Bills.
133
00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:56,732
-Yoda is simply a paid assassin.
-Assassin!
134
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,692
All the black outfit, I knew it!
135
00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:00,736
Same thing happens
in all the James Bond movies.
136
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:01,862
Dude always wears black.
137
00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:04,198
-He is not the murderer.
-Not the murderer!
138
00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:06,783
I was gonna say that
until you stole my words.
139
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:11,288
But now, I know who the real murderer is.
140
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,331
Don't worry, Morty.
141
00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:14,208
Even though Mrs. Mapleworth is unable
142
00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:17,294
to finish her new novel
because she's dead,
143
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:21,924
I have something I think
you're gonna like a lot more.
144
00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:24,426
Hello, Jerry.
145
00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:25,886
[STAMMERING]
Abigail.
146
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,388
You're alive! I mean, you're not dead.
147
00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:30,557
I mean, you're alive. Damn it!
148
00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:31,975
-What's this, Jerry?
-No, nothing!
149
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,727
Oh, you thought with me out of the way,
150
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:35,896
you could sell Morty
some of your own writing?
151
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,649
No! No, I mean, I wrote it.
It's my first novel.
152
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,901
But it's pretty good if you ask me.
153
00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:42,152
"Something incredible happened
154
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:45,697
and I'm going to tell you
the whole entire story right here."
155
00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:48,909
That's terrible writing, it's really shit.
156
00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:50,786
And what is this trash font?
157
00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:52,829
Comic Sans Any Talent?
158
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,415
Fine, I get it. Sprinks stinks.
159
00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:57,918
Call me crazy,
but I wouldn't mind reading that.
160
00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,378
ABIGAIL:
Shame on you, Jerry!
161
00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:02,840
Trying to get me out of the way
in order to further your own career?
162
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,341
I would never in--
163
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,718
You would and you did! Take him away!
164
00:07:06,802 --> 00:07:10,389
Oh, thank God, for once we're gonna get
a long, drawn-out Maple log.
165
00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:13,976
But how did you know it was him?
Please explain it to us in detail.
166
00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:16,103
You stupid asshole!
167
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:21,233
Well, I was initially suspicious of Jerry
when he complimented my skin.
168
00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:25,320
There were only three people who knew
that I had a mud mask on at that spa.
169
00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:29,616
Myself, Gilbert and the person
that locked me into the sauna.
170
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:30,784
This is ridiculous.
171
00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:35,372
And he's my agent, that's why
all the books were in the car's trunk.
172
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,915
What about the orange nail polish?
173
00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:38,834
It wasn't orange nail polish at all.
174
00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,878
It was orange-colored pencil.
175
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,462
The same pencil he uses
176
00:07:42,546 --> 00:07:44,131
to edit all my books.
177
00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:47,843
And also to do his
color-by-number paintings in his office.
178
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,595
What about the tissues?
179
00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,847
Clearly, he has
an insatiable masturbation habit.
180
00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:54,057
He likes to pop his Perignon.
181
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,726
That is a disgusting lie.
182
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,686
I shove tissues down the front of my pants
183
00:07:57,769 --> 00:08:00,814
to create a bigger pelvic topography.
184
00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:03,317
That's not better.
185
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,403
Okay, fine, you know what?
Yes, I tried to kill you.
186
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:07,821
I'm sorry.
187
00:08:07,905 --> 00:08:10,073
I loved watching you fly at first,
188
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:13,035
but then I wanted
to be the one with wings.
189
00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:15,370
I guess I should have told you
a long time ago.
190
00:08:15,454 --> 00:08:18,248
Jerry, if you told me a long time ago,
I would have fired you.
191
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,501
I don't want to mentor anyone.
192
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,796
Well, of course, besides my niece, Heidi.
193
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,174
I think we actually mentor each other,
don't we?
194
00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:30,511
-Okay.
BILLS: Gilbert, cuff him.
195
00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:32,930
This is the hardest part of my job.
196
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:36,183
Because I'm not good at these.
I'm not really good at putting this-- Ow.
197
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,476
JERRY: You okay?
-Yeah, I'm all right.
198
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:38,894
-Watch your thumb this time.
-Okay.
199
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:40,812
-There we go.
-Is that too tight?
200
00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,606
-No, that's fine.
-All right.
201
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,608
I want to thank all of you.
202
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,151
Minus Jerry.
203
00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:49,238
Heidi, thank you for saving me
from the dildo stick of dynamite.
204
00:08:49,321 --> 00:08:52,366
Chief Bills, thank you
for saving me from Yoda.
205
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:54,868
And, Gilbert, thank you for rescuing me
206
00:08:54,952 --> 00:08:57,913
from Crock-Potting it in the sauna.
207
00:08:57,996 --> 00:09:02,251
Well, I guess there's just
one last mystery for me to solve.
208
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:05,212
I can't find my favorite neck massager...
209
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:07,047
Purple Princess.
210
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:11,552
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING]
15301
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