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Hey, that's not meant for you!
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00:00:02,294 --> 00:00:05,881
-[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
-[STOMACH GURGLING]
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-[GROANS]
-[GASPS]
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-[CUSTOMERS GASP]
-That's my salty nipple!
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ABIGAIL: Suspect number one, Mrs. Twatt.
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Pumpkin shooter.
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00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:17,768
Precisely. What do we know about her,
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00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,979
besides the fact
that she's balls deep in menopause?
9
00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:23,398
She's not psyched
that you helped put her son in prison.
10
00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:26,276
Correct.
And when she flipped a flamingo on me,
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00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:31,740
I noticed she was wearing the same
orange nail color that was on those books.
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-Dink Choadler.
-Seemed so nice.
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There are some nice murderers.
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But he said he owned all my books.
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-Like the books found in the trunk.
-ABIGAIL: Exactly.
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He also yelled out,
"That wasn't meant for you,"
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when Dink saw the drunk drink my drink.
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Say that five fimes tast.
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Doggamnit!
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I mean, gab blam it!
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Also, it's like he meant
for only you to drink it.
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Plus, he made the drink.
23
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Thank you, Gilbert.
24
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Thank you, Jesus, for fun and friends.
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And last but least,
this dick, Paige Wellingtont.
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She was sneezing like crazy,
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which would explain why there were so many
tissues in the front seat of that car.
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00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:17,744
Look at this mess.
29
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A steaming hot pile of crow shit
all over my suspect board here.
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It's a mess. Ironically,
I have my own same three suspects.
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Really?
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HEIDI: That's a grocery list.
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"Two dozen eggs."
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That's for Dink there,
because he makes me the rocky smoothie
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every morning with the two egg yolks.
36
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Who's "Two big grapefruits"?
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That would be Mrs. Twatt there because
you have two big grapefruits on her chest.
38
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And my nickname for Mrs. Wellingtont
is Hemorrhoids.
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She's a pain in my ass!
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Should I bring all three of them in
for questioning, sir?
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Let me get my balls together first,
Gilbert.
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I was gonna say that, but you're
talking over me in front of people.
43
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I wish I could make a time machine
and go back five seconds
44
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so I can say what I was gonna say
the first time.
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It's funny that you're always about to
tell someone to do something
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after they've already said
they're going to do it.
47
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Honestly, I wasn't listening to you
at all, but I do sense a tone in the room.
48
00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:09,254
Well, I think that
my aunt's probably just a bit on edge
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after almost being killed twice.
50
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:17,179
Yeah. Why don't you go home and relax?
51
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Fine, but just tell me what those three
say when you interview them.
52
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Wait a minute now. No one's privy to that
except Gilbert and myself.
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This is an ongoing investigation.
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So stay out of it, Mapleworth.
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Ugh. Why would I try to poison Abigail?
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We're friends.
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Everything you ever written about her
says different.
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"Shitty writer solves murder."
"Abigail Windbag writes a dumb novella."
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"Mystery solved.
Mrs. Mapleworth was the farter."
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One more question.
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Why are you such a boring waste of space?
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[WHISPERS]
And also, she's a piece of shit.
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-Woman!
-[YELLS]
64
00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:06,270
Okay. Our job is to talk to the suspect
till the suspect fucks up.
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So here's the question.
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When you made Mrs. Mapleworth's drink,
did you add poison?
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-Yes.
-See?
68
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-Wait. Did you say vermouth?
-No. I said poison.
69
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Oops. Then no.
70
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I call all booze poison,
71
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so when someone sits down,
I can say, "Name your poison."
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Because it sounds nifty.
73
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Okay, we got a few questions for you,
Mrs. Twatt.
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That's no longer my name, thank God.
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I remarried. Please call me Mrs. Minge.
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Mrs. Virginia Twatt-Minge.
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ABIGAIL: See, me and Gilbert here,
we're the police.
78
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You better be careful how you answer this.
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Did you put poison
in Mrs. Mapleworth's drink?
80
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Answer the doggang question...
81
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Oh! Answer the gall dang question...
82
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Not today, Pilts, not today.
83
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What the hell?
84
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[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
85
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Get the fuck out of here!
86
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Did you try to run over Mrs. Mapleworth
with your car?
87
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How could I?
I was reviewing the Pitch 22 concert.
88
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I sat right next to Mrs. Mapleworth's
niece and her two weird friends.
89
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It wasn't me. I was at my whiskey club,
90
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:32,272
where we drink whiskey
and hit things with clubs.
91
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:36,443
How can I possibly have tried to run
Mrs. Mapleworth over
92
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if I don't know how to drive
a ding-dang car?
93
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Prove it!
94
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[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
95
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-They're all innocent!
-[GILBERT SCREAMS]
96
00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:50,415
Oh! Gilbert! You gotta give me a heads-up
if it's gonna be a shit-in-the-pants day.
97
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:54,962
It has been a stressful day, Aunt Abigail.
98
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We really need to regroup.
99
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Can I just, like, help you?
100
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:00,843
You don't need to coddle me, Heidi.
101
00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:04,638
I'm not a little baby kitten
looking for her mama's teat.
102
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,557
Although I love those videos with...
103
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:08,976
Oh, I love it.
104
00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:12,104
Well, it's time someone looked after you
for a change.
105
00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:14,523
So you relax.
106
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:17,442
Let's put on one of your house dresses.
107
00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:19,570
[YELLS]
108
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,196
Aunt Abigail?
109
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:24,074
Why do you have so many of these?
110
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,659
What, my neck massagers?
111
00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:28,537
Don't tell me you don't get
a stiff neck sometimes.
112
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,372
All modern women do.
113
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,833
That's my favorite.
That's the purple princess.
114
00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:34,835
It has 40 settings.
115
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:36,962
This one's pretty cool.
116
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-Like steam punk. You junk.
-[BEEPING]
117
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-I've never seen that before in my life.
-[BEEPING CONTINUES]
118
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-[BEEPING INTENSIFIES]
-[YELLS]
119
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-[EXPLOSION]
-[GASPS]
120
00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,352
ABIGAIL: That could've killed both of us.
121
00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:57,608
Looks like the dynamite set off
my neck massagers.
122
00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:01,028
The giant one
is probably leading the pack.
123
00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:05,574
Ah! Well, on the bright side,
124
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:08,285
there's gonna be a happy pussy tonight
in this house.
125
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,203
I'm sorry?
126
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,998
\Buttercrunch, I found your sparkle balls.
127
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,876
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
128
00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:22,549
So how many neck massagers
were in the dresser?
129
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:25,802
Don't worry about it, Gilbert.
To the board.
130
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,514
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
131
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:29,973
Hmm.
132
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,476
Hmm.
133
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,144
Or...
134
00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:37,022
Hmm. Oh!
135
00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:39,483
Mmm.
136
00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:43,195
What if there's more than one murderer?
137
00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:45,739
-You know, I've been thinking...
-Can it, Gilbert.
138
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:49,284
You're just coming up with theories
to come up with theories.
139
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,496
I'm sorry, Gilbert.
140
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,790
I'm so discombobulated.
141
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:59,878
I'm very relaxed around murder,
but this one is different.
142
00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:03,257
With all these close calls,
I've realized...
143
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:05,843
that I could lose my wonderful life,
144
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:09,429
with my wonderful friends and family,
at any time.
145
00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:12,891
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
146
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:17,437
I was gonna give you this gift card
to the spa for Sweetest Day, but...
147
00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:19,064
I think you could use it now.
148
00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:31,243
You know, Aunt Abigail,
maybe some relaxation can really help.
149
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,245
Maybe a little cucumber water
150
00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:37,332
and a long overdue bikini wax
will clear my head
151
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,668
and help me solve this stumper.
152
00:07:41,712 --> 00:07:42,838
Thank you, Gilbert.
153
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:50,053
[RELAXING MUSIC PLAYING]
154
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:53,557
[SIGHS]
155
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:11,325
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
156
00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:17,039
Whoo!
157
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:18,832
It's warm.
158
00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:23,754
It's very warm.
159
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,172
Uh-uh.
160
00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:29,760
Oh!
161
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,306
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
162
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,018
Help!
163
00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:41,313
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
12440
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