Original subtitles

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

GILBERT: Whoa. Abigail, watch out! -Aah!

[GRUNTS]

Abigail?

Abigail! No, no!

-Oh, Abigail. -Ah.

Oh. Are you all right?

That car hit me so hard, it knocked my shirt clear off.

-What are you doing, Gilbert? -I'm covering you.

Oh, my goodness.

There.

Thank you.

May I say, your chest has a lovely personality.

Well, thank you. Right back at you, milady.

I'm so happy that you're all right.

That driver could have caused a serious accident.

Oh, that was no accident, Gilbert.

Someone just tried to murder me.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Gilbert, I don't understand why I have to do a police report.

It was nothing.

Someone trying to run you over and leaving you topless is not nothing.

Who would want to kill you?

I have accused nearly everyone in New Woodstream of murder,

but I don't see why any of them would want me dead.

Well, I'm not gonna sit around here and do nothing

while someone's out there trying to kill you.

Me "meither."

I meant to say, "Me neeber."

Nope, dang it.

I'm trying to sound reassuring and I keep fudging it up.

What are we waiting for? Let's deduce who's trying to murder me.

Ah. Well, it solves itself.

Oh, Aunt Abigail, are you sure you're not shelving pingers?

-I could be. -What in the hell is going on here?

Pewntz, you allowed this woman to come in here

and "crapify" my suspect board like this?

-This is a mess! -Shh! I'm percolating. Please.

BILLS: You're not the police.

Which is why you shouldn't be doing any of this arts and craft stuff

on my suspect board.

[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]

Where is Abigail Mapleworth? Who is in charge here?

-Jerry? -Abigail, you're okay. Thank God.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

JERRY: Mmm! ABIGAIL: Oh!

Jerry!

Everyone, this is my agent, Jerry Sprinks. What are you doing here?

I was in the next town over at my niece's brother's wedding.

Your nephew.

My-- Yes. Yes. I don't know why I said it that way.

But I thought I would come over and see how the new book is coming in.

When I was checking into the hotel, someone said you were almost run over.

Are you all right?

Yes, just a little bit of a bruised ego and a left breast.

When that car came at me, it really knocked my knockers,

but it evened them out, so that's good news.

Well, I thought I'd come here and find you as flat as a panini,

but you're not and I'm glad.

-Mmm! ABIGAIL: Ow.

-Jerry. -Oh.

My left beanbag, please.

It's like a gator gave me a mammogram.

Well, how about I finish checking in at the hotel

-and you join me later for a cocktail? -[PHONE RINGS]

I would love that. After tonight, I need a good stiff one.

-The stiffer the better. -Oh. Rock-hard liquor.

Well, it's not hard to lick her when she's rocking that skirt.

-Oh! Holy innuendo. -More like, "hardly in her endo."

ABIGAIL: Oh! Ow.

JERRY: Jerry, no! -Jerry! For the win!

[LAUGHING]

"In your endo."

Oh, agents.

Bad news, everyone.

My septic tank has flooded the basement.

Also, I just got a call that there's an abandoned car in the cemetery.

It matches the description of that car that tried to hit you.

-New Woodstream Cemetery? -Nope.

-South New Woodstream Cemetery? -Uh-uh.

-Hilltop Cemetery Annex One? JERRY: Nope.

St. Francis the Blessed Animal Owner Cemetery?

Stop. Which one?

Oh, it's at the Northwestern Woodstream Cemetery South.

Let's go, Heidi.

-Hey, hey, hey. ABIGAIL: Hm?

That's a potential crime scene over there. I don't want you going near that car.

We promise.

BILLS: Hmm.

-Pewntz, tail them. -Tail?

-Gilbert. -Yes?

-Tail them now. -Tell them what?

-Follow them! -Follow. Follow.

-You mean, "tail." Okay, got it. -Yeah.

ABIGAIL: All right, Heidi. There's the car. Let's get to snooping.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

-What are those? -Soiled tissues.

The driver either has a cold

or likes to play with their stick shift when they're driving.

To the trunk!

Ah! My, my, my.

Oh, yeah. This is stalker city.

ABIGAIL: They tried to cross out my name.

Clearly, someone despises me.

HEIDI: Is that orange nail polish? -[TWIG SNAPS]

Hey, hey! It's me. It's Gilbert. Ah!

-You didn't touch anything, right? -Why don't you ask, uh, Puppy Daisy?

[IN FUNNY VOICE] These nice ladies didn't do anything. Anything at all.

[ABIGAIL HOWLING]

GILBERT: Hi, I'm a friendly unicorn.

-Wanna go romp in the grass together? -Nope.

Great meeting you. Mm.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Heidi, let's go.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Yeah, I know you're a badass, but I'm worried about you.

Heidi, no one is going to try to murder me with all these people around.

I just wanna have one nice drink with my agent

and then I'll be home before you know it.

Okay.

Could you be a dear and feed all my babies?

-Yeah, sure. Um, where's their food? -Oh, it's in the kitchen.

Now, Cooper likes a cup of the food from the purple bag in the red bowl.

-And then form it into little meatballs. -[CAT CATERWAULS]

Izzy likes the leftovers from my egg fried rice.

Buttercrunch likes his wet food warmed up, preferably in a body nook.

Flattery Will Get You Everywhere will eat everything you hand him,

so keep your tampons to yourself.

The Schranz will only eat freeze-dried treats

that smell like cheese.

They'll be fine. They'll be fine. Um...

-You just stay safe, okay? -Thank you, dear.

I'm not doing any of that shit, so who wants pizza?

-What can I get you? -I would like a salty nipple.

And as long as you're pouring, I'll have another Jack and Coke.

And this time, put some Jack in it, asshole.

Sir, you have reached your limit and I'm cutting you off.

-Oh, dear. Oh, my. BARTENDER: Riffraff!

My apologies for that rude individual.

Your drink is on the house.

-That is not necessary. -Of course it is.

I've been working up the courage to tell you that I'm a huge fan.

I own every single one of your books, even your children's book,

Inspector Bear and the Chipmunk Stabbings.

Thank you.

Well, there she is.

Hello there, Mrs. Twat.

Don't "hello" me. You got my son locked up.

Well, your son hung me from a meat hook and killed your ex-husband.

My son was a good boy.

And he always gave me money when I asked for it.

And if he resisted, I would say, "Puh-weeze."

And he would shit money out like an ATM.

It's like you murdered my only source of income.

If there weren't so many people in this bar,

I'd murder you so hard right here!

-Mrs. Twat! -Go to hell!

BARTENDER: Oh.

A lot of birds flying around this place tonight.

Kind of makes me wish I brought my binoculars.

-[BARTENDER LAUGHING] -Dang.

[ABIGAIL SIGHS]

Paige.

-I thought I smelled burning sulfur. -I followed the slime trail to your seat.

Would you like to make a statement for the paper about your brush with death?

Speaking of brushes, your hair looks like a merkin from a giant.

There's the sharp wit I've come to expect from a novella writer.

"Ges-cunt-heidt."

-Any details? -Yes. Uh, one detail:

Fine, if you won't spill the beans, I will have to get my information el--

Excuse me.

I guess I'm allergic to bullshit.

That was a good one.

Hello.

Jerry, thank the Lord.

So sorry that I kept you waiting.

Oh, this is such a parade of ding-dongs in here tonight.

I will get a virgin margarita with a shot of tequila.

So a margarita?

Yes. Abigail.

Morty Bundt, the publishing house, is gonna ask for the advance back

if you don't finish the new book soon.

Jerry, have I ever missed a deadline?

-All the time. -Oh, fair.

Here is your drink, sir.

ABIGAIL: Oh! -Goddamn it!

This sweater was a Valentine gift from my uncle's only sister!

-So your mom? -Oh, shut up.

Oh, that's bleach.

Perfect.

-I gotta change. -Oh, Jerry, I'm sorry.

Oh, poor Jerry.

I feel like I've stressed out my agent so much

and he's such a support with my career as an author.

Hey, that's not meant for you!

I cut you off!

You can't cut me off.

[STOMACH GURGLING]

[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]

[PATRONS GASP]

Death by salty nipple!