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1
00:00:00,083 --> 00:00:02,794
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:07,132
GILBERT: Whoa. Abigail, watch out!
-Aah!
3
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,177
[GRUNTS]
4
00:00:10,802 --> 00:00:12,262
Abigail?
5
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,056
Abigail! No, no!
6
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:17,184
-Oh, Abigail.
-Ah.
7
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:19,061
Oh. Are you all right?
8
00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:23,357
That car hit me so hard,
it knocked my shirt clear off.
9
00:00:24,775 --> 00:00:27,152
-What are you doing, Gilbert?
-I'm covering you.
10
00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:28,779
Oh, my goodness.
11
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:29,780
There.
12
00:00:30,781 --> 00:00:32,491
Thank you.
13
00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:36,912
May I say,
your chest has a lovely personality.
14
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:39,122
Well, thank you.
Right back at you, milady.
15
00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:40,582
I'm so happy that you're all right.
16
00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:43,210
That driver could have caused
a serious accident.
17
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Oh, that was no accident, Gilbert.
18
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Someone just tried to murder me.
19
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[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
20
00:00:57,182 --> 00:01:00,936
Gilbert, I don't understand
why I have to do a police report.
21
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,229
It was nothing.
22
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Someone trying to run you over
and leaving you topless is not nothing.
23
00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:07,901
Who would want to kill you?
24
00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:11,530
I have accused nearly everyone
in New Woodstream of murder,
25
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:14,950
but I don't see why any of them
would want me dead.
26
00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:17,160
Well, I'm not gonna sit around here
and do nothing
27
00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:19,288
while someone's out there
trying to kill you.
28
00:01:19,371 --> 00:01:20,664
Me "meither."
29
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,457
I meant to say, "Me neeber."
30
00:01:22,541 --> 00:01:23,417
Nope, dang it.
31
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,752
I'm trying to sound reassuring
and I keep fudging it up.
32
00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:29,590
What are we waiting for?
Let's deduce who's trying to murder me.
33
00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:33,051
Ah. Well, it solves itself.
34
00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:36,763
Oh, Aunt Abigail, are you sure
you're not shelving pingers?
35
00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:39,474
-I could be.
-What in the hell is going on here?
36
00:01:39,558 --> 00:01:41,268
Pewntz, you allowed this woman
to come in here
37
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and "crapify" my suspect board like this?
38
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-This is a mess!
-Shh! I'm percolating. Please.
39
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BILLS:
You're not the police.
40
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:51,111
Which is why you shouldn't be doing
any of this arts and craft stuff
41
00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:52,404
on my suspect board.
42
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[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]
43
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Where is Abigail Mapleworth?
Who is in charge here?
44
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-Jerry?
-Abigail, you're okay. Thank God.
45
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[BOTH CHUCKLE]
46
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JERRY: Mmm!
ABIGAIL: Oh!
47
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:02,915
Jerry!
48
00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:07,294
Everyone, this is my agent, Jerry Sprinks.
What are you doing here?
49
00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:10,422
I was in the next town over
at my niece's brother's wedding.
50
00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:11,757
Your nephew.
51
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:15,344
My-- Yes. Yes.
I don't know why I said it that way.
52
00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:18,347
But I thought I would come over
and see how the new book is coming in.
53
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:21,808
When I was checking into the hotel,
someone said you were almost run over.
54
00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:22,893
Are you all right?
55
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:27,439
Yes, just a little bit of a bruised ego
and a left breast.
56
00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:30,359
When that car came at me,
it really knocked my knockers,
57
00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,569
but it evened them out,
so that's good news.
58
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:35,239
Well, I thought I'd come here
and find you as flat as a panini,
59
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:37,074
but you're not and I'm glad.
60
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,867
-Mmm!
ABIGAIL: Ow.
61
00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:40,118
-Jerry.
-Oh.
62
00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:41,703
My left beanbag, please.
63
00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:44,873
It's like a gator gave me a mammogram.
64
00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:47,376
Well, how about I finish checking in
at the hotel
65
00:02:47,459 --> 00:02:49,962
-and you join me later for a cocktail?
-[PHONE RINGS]
66
00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:53,173
I would love that. After tonight,
I need a good stiff one.
67
00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:55,843
-The stiffer the better.
-Oh. Rock-hard liquor.
68
00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:58,303
Well, it's not hard to lick her
when she's rocking that skirt.
69
00:02:58,387 --> 00:03:02,182
-Oh! Holy innuendo.
-More like, "hardly in her endo."
70
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ABIGAIL:
Oh! Ow.
71
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:06,436
JERRY: Jerry, no!
-Jerry! For the win!
72
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[LAUGHING]
73
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"In your endo."
74
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,150
Oh, agents.
75
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:13,735
Bad news, everyone.
76
00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,696
My septic tank has flooded the basement.
77
00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:18,866
Also, I just got a call that
there's an abandoned car in the cemetery.
78
00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:21,702
It matches the description
of that car that tried to hit you.
79
00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:23,871
-New Woodstream Cemetery?
-Nope.
80
00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,330
-South New Woodstream Cemetery?
-Uh-uh.
81
00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:28,166
-Hilltop Cemetery Annex One?
JERRY: Nope.
82
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,002
St. Francis the Blessed
Animal Owner Cemetery?
83
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Stop. Which one?
84
00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:34,047
Oh, it's at the Northwestern
Woodstream Cemetery South.
85
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Let's go, Heidi.
86
00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:37,134
-Hey, hey, hey.
ABIGAIL: Hm?
87
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:40,846
That's a potential crime scene over there.
I don't want you going near that car.
88
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We promise.
89
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:43,682
BILLS:
Hmm.
90
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:47,311
-Pewntz, tail them.
-Tail?
91
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,770
-Gilbert.
-Yes?
92
00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:50,564
-Tail them now.
-Tell them what?
93
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,774
-Follow them!
-Follow. Follow.
94
00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:54,776
-You mean, "tail." Okay, got it.
-Yeah.
95
00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:58,405
ABIGAIL: All right, Heidi.
There's the car. Let's get to snooping.
96
00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:01,033
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
97
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,746
-What are those?
-Soiled tissues.
98
00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,122
The driver either has a cold
99
00:04:07,206 --> 00:04:10,250
or likes to play with their stick shift
when they're driving.
100
00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:11,376
To the trunk!
101
00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:14,963
Ah! My, my, my.
102
00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:17,466
Oh, yeah. This is stalker city.
103
00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,510
ABIGAIL:
They tried to cross out my name.
104
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Clearly, someone despises me.
105
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:24,932
HEIDI: Is that orange nail polish?
-[TWIG SNAPS]
106
00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:28,602
Hey, hey! It's me. It's Gilbert. Ah!
107
00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:33,148
-You didn't touch anything, right?
-Why don't you ask, uh, Puppy Daisy?
108
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[IN FUNNY VOICE] These nice ladies
didn't do anything. Anything at all.
109
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[ABIGAIL HOWLING]
110
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GILBERT:
Hi, I'm a friendly unicorn.
111
00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:48,163
-Wanna go romp in the grass together?
-Nope.
112
00:04:48,247 --> 00:04:50,332
Great meeting you. Mm.
113
00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:52,918
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Heidi, let's go.
114
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[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
115
00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:59,174
Yeah, I know you're a badass,
but I'm worried about you.
116
00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:02,845
Heidi, no one is going to try
to murder me with all these people around.
117
00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:05,389
I just wanna have one nice drink
with my agent
118
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,099
and then I'll be home before you know it.
119
00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:08,100
Okay.
120
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:10,727
Could you be a dear
and feed all my babies?
121
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:13,897
-Yeah, sure. Um, where's their food?
-Oh, it's in the kitchen.
122
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:17,985
Now, Cooper likes a cup of the food
from the purple bag in the red bowl.
123
00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:20,153
-And then form it into little meatballs.
-[CAT CATERWAULS]
124
00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:23,073
Izzy likes the leftovers
from my egg fried rice.
125
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:27,202
Buttercrunch likes his wet food warmed up,
preferably in a body nook.
126
00:05:27,286 --> 00:05:30,372
Flattery Will Get You Everywhere
will eat everything you hand him,
127
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,457
so keep your tampons to yourself.
128
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:35,085
The Schranz will only eat
freeze-dried treats
129
00:05:35,169 --> 00:05:36,712
that smell like cheese.
130
00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,797
They'll be fine. They'll be fine. Um...
131
00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:42,259
-You just stay safe, okay?
-Thank you, dear.
132
00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:46,263
I'm not doing any of that shit,
so who wants pizza?
133
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:51,310
-What can I get you?
-I would like a salty nipple.
134
00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:54,813
And as long as you're pouring,
I'll have another Jack and Coke.
135
00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:57,441
And this time,
put some Jack in it, asshole.
136
00:05:57,524 --> 00:06:00,777
Sir, you have reached your limit
and I'm cutting you off.
137
00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:07,284
-Oh, dear. Oh, my.
BARTENDER: Riffraff!
138
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:11,538
My apologies for that rude individual.
139
00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:13,999
Your drink is on the house.
140
00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:17,085
-That is not necessary.
-Of course it is.
141
00:06:17,169 --> 00:06:21,131
I've been working up the courage
to tell you that I'm a huge fan.
142
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:24,176
I own every single one of your books,
even your children's book,
143
00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:27,554
Inspector Bear and the Chipmunk Stabbings.
144
00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,014
Thank you.
145
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,390
Well, there she is.
146
00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:32,059
Hello there, Mrs. Twat.
147
00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:34,853
Don't "hello" me.
You got my son locked up.
148
00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:38,106
Well, your son hung me from a meat hook
and killed your ex-husband.
149
00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:40,526
My son was a good boy.
150
00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:42,778
And he always gave me money
when I asked for it.
151
00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:47,074
And if he resisted,
I would say, "Puh-weeze."
152
00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:49,743
And he would shit money out like an ATM.
153
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:52,704
It's like you murdered
my only source of income.
154
00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:55,624
If there weren't so many people
in this bar,
155
00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:59,086
I'd murder you so hard right here!
156
00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:02,631
-Mrs. Twat!
-Go to hell!
157
00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:03,757
BARTENDER:
Oh.
158
00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:07,427
A lot of birds flying around
this place tonight.
159
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:10,013
Kind of makes me wish
I brought my binoculars.
160
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,307
-[BARTENDER LAUGHING]
-Dang.
161
00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:20,566
[ABIGAIL SIGHS]
162
00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:22,150
Paige.
163
00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:26,029
-I thought I smelled burning sulfur.
-I followed the slime trail to your seat.
164
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:29,241
Would you like to make a statement
for the paper about your brush with death?
165
00:07:29,324 --> 00:07:32,536
Speaking of brushes, your hair looks
like a merkin from a giant.
166
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:36,081
There's the sharp wit
I've come to expect from a novella writer.
167
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:38,959
"Ges-cunt-heidt."
168
00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:43,130
-Any details?
-Yes. Uh, one detail:
169
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:47,009
Fine, if you won't spill the beans,
I will have to get my information el--
170
00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:50,554
Excuse me.
171
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,182
I guess I'm allergic to bullshit.
172
00:07:53,265 --> 00:07:54,433
That was a good one.
173
00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:58,020
Hello.
174
00:07:58,103 --> 00:08:00,689
Jerry, thank the Lord.
175
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:02,357
So sorry that I kept you waiting.
176
00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:05,861
Oh, this is such a parade of ding-dongs
in here tonight.
177
00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:08,572
I will get a virgin margarita
with a shot of tequila.
178
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:09,615
So a margarita?
179
00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,367
Yes. Abigail.
180
00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:15,787
Morty Bundt, the publishing house,
is gonna ask for the advance back
181
00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:18,165
if you don't finish the new book soon.
182
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,584
Jerry, have I ever missed a deadline?
183
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:23,295
-All the time.
-Oh, fair.
184
00:08:23,378 --> 00:08:24,505
Here is your drink, sir.
185
00:08:25,297 --> 00:08:27,216
ABIGAIL: Oh!
-Goddamn it!
186
00:08:27,299 --> 00:08:30,302
This sweater was a Valentine gift
from my uncle's only sister!
187
00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:32,513
-So your mom?
-Oh, shut up.
188
00:08:34,306 --> 00:08:35,432
Oh, that's bleach.
189
00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:39,311
Perfect.
190
00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:41,688
-I gotta change.
-Oh, Jerry, I'm sorry.
191
00:08:41,772 --> 00:08:43,148
Oh, poor Jerry.
192
00:08:43,232 --> 00:08:45,192
I feel like I've stressed out my agent
so much
193
00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:49,446
and he's such a support
with my career as an author.
194
00:08:49,530 --> 00:08:51,365
Hey, that's not meant for you!
195
00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:53,200
I cut you off!
196
00:08:55,911 --> 00:08:57,621
You can't cut me off.
197
00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:00,207
[STOMACH GURGLING]
198
00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:04,336
[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]
199
00:09:04,419 --> 00:09:05,671
[PATRONS GASP]
200
00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:10,342
Death by salty nipple!
15523
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