Original subtitles

Hi.

Hi.

Who wants to change dirty diapers anyways?

Alrighty, folks.

D&C went great.

As you know, technically, it wasn't even a miscarriage.

The ova planted but never really took.

Avoid vaginal intercourse for two weeks,

although oral, manual, and anal are all acceptable.

It's like my granny used to always say.

When life gives you lemons, try anal.

And you could get a post-care sheet on your way out.

Do you have any questions?

Oh, excuse me. That's it?

That's it.

But we can still have children?

There's no reason for concern.

Look, I know this feels like a tragedy, but it's not the Hindenburg.

It's more like whatever the first plane Orville and Wilbur crashed.

See, we don't even know the name.

And they eventually flew just fine.

Mrs. Elliott.

I like her.

Hey, I can get drunk again.

Oh, thank God.

You're a nightmare sober.

You know, it's funny, I didn't even think I wanted kids.

If you don't...

want kids, it's... it's okay.

You know, we can get a pet.

-I've always wanted a ferret.

It'd save us a fortune on college.

Unless it's a really smart ferret.

Like honors ferret.

But you know, the thing is, Miles, after this, I am sure.

I do want a baby.

I loved being pregnant with our baby, Miles.

You up for a drive?

Yeah.

Where to?

Where are we exactly?

They call it the suburbs.

I smell something not entirely terrible.

It's called grass.

Grass. What, like in the movies?

Yeah, they also have something called "good schools."

You looked up schools?

Well, I figured, look, my stupid job is going great.

I win a few more of these Golden Pencils, I can dedicate the time to my play.

We'll get it to Broadway. You can work on the next Guggenheim.

The You-genheim, named after you, because you're so awesome.

The suburbs won't know what hit 'em.

You looked up schools.

Here we are, your new home,

if you approve and help with the down payment.

And if you don't like it, they come in every possible shade of tan.

-Including tan.

Close your eyes. Close them, close them.

Open them.

Huh? Nice big foyer.

Look at this dining room and all this nice natural light.

You've got a little sitting room over here. This kitchen is...

Look at this generous counter space.

Generous. We could put all kinds of stuff on there.

Dishes, a little nook. I know you love a nook.

Oh, look at this, a butler's pantry, right here.

We don't have a butler, we'll get one.

That's a lie. I'm not... I'm only kidding, but you got a den here.

Careful with the chandelier.

I've hit my head on it twice when I was here last time.

But look, the whole thing... This column.

-Comes with the house.

And...

and someday,

the baby's room.

The baby will come.

In the meantime,

let's make this a home.

What do you think?

Honestly?

I mean, the...

construction materials are fairly shoddy.

And the fact that we'd have the exact same house as our neighbors

makes me sad and terrified,

which pretty much sums up how I feel about moving to the suburbs.

Yeah, uh, sorry. You know what, I should've...

talked to you before I did any of this.

-We don't.. -And...

I think that we could be so happy here.

And I think that our family could be so happy here.

And I think it's the sweetest thing I could possibly imagine.

But we have to get rid of that column.

I don't think we can.

It's holding the whole house up.

Hey.

You wanna go for a run?

On grass?

No, that's insane.

-Mmm. -Yeah.

-Come on. Get up, get up. -Aw.

Okay.

Ah, yes!

-Our first one. -Yes.

So, how's your Barbie dream house?

Oh, you would hate it.

Yes, obviously.

You would too if you were still you.

Are they really giving all this stuff to Goodwill?

-Yeah. -Oh, my God.

Oh, look at this credenza.

My parents had a credenza just like this.

My mother engraved their married names on the inside.

You, Goodwill girls.

Is he talking to us?

That piece is worth at least a thousand. I want a receipt for the full write off.

Oh. Right away, sir.

And let me just say, there's something so sexy

about a man who knows how to profit from his generosity.

Uh, sorry. We're the architects.

Oh, but you're...

-My wife said.. -Harold, isn't it?

-Yes. -Hi, yeah, Kate and Meg.

Your wife said there was some fabric samples we had to look at?

-We'll be in a minute. -All right.

-Okay. Alright. -Yeah.

Thank you, Harold. Bye.

-You showed him. -Shut up.

When we first started hanging out, you didn't take shit

-from douchebags like Harold. -Yeah, I still don't.

-Even from douchebags like you. -Ow.

Call it an overage.

-Get the other end. Go. -Oh, now you want my help.

-Go, go, go. -It's heavy.

Keep an eye out for the guy.

-You stole a credenza. -Sure did.

I actually know a guy who can engrave "I settle down"

on the inside of it for you.

I like settling down.

It's not too late. Suburbs, babies, husband?

How is that, um, sculptor that you've been seeing?

-I dumped her. -Yeah, oh, what? For the burlesque dancer?

No, for snake tattoo.

Oh, I see. And so I should be taking relationship advice from you, why?

Because I have not bought into someone else's vision for my life

and pretended like it's my own.

I'm sorry. I think that you should just stay badass.

Thank you for your concern, but I love my husband, I love my house,

and I love my goddamn stolen credenza.

I decide my life, nobody else.

Okay, that was badass.

What's a credenza for anyway?

It's to make a house a home.

Yeah.

So, like, you can put things in it, in the drawers, like your keys,

but never on top because it'll scratch the wood. Always in the drawer.

-Okay. -Do you wanna order some dinner?

-Yeah. -Yeah?

Sure.

Miles, I'm heading off to work.

Huh? Uh-huh.

Oh, remember you've got that fertility appointment this week.

What's that now?

What?

I can't hear you.

Oh, jeez.

Bye.

What?

No, that's...

Bye.

You're late.

Yes. Sorry, mornings are crazy at preschool.

-Right. Here we go again. -Mm-hmm.

How are the kids?

Oh, uh, they had lice.

Hello?

Yo.

Is this baller or what?

Oh, check out this banister. I mean, this is hand-polished rosewood.

Straight from Brasilia.

You ever been?

Ah, truth.

Man, I wouldn't change a thing in this room.

Talking as is.

-Oh, I was.. -No, no, no.

As is.

Okay. Great.

Yeah. Yeah, that's fine.

-And will we have a look at the.. -Except for the marble though.

Italian Carrara?

So played out.

You know, my CEO had this, uh, Calacatta from the Apuan mountains,

and the veining was so sexy.

I'm sorry, you're saying you want

-his marble... -Hold.

Yo, B. What up?

Yo, you got those d-bugs down?

No. No.

No. No.

You know, I got some ladies I'm chilling with right now, right here.

We just chilling. Yeah, let me hit you back.

Yo, peace!

-Go. -Uh, go, yes.

Um, well, I was thinking that we could actually replace

-some of the larger pieces of marble.. -No, no, no, no. All of it.

In my kitchen, too.

Mmm.

That would require us to rip out every appliance.

Even the kitchen sinks would have to go.

Yeah, I gotta tell ya, I got 99 problems but a sink ain't one.

Well, then,

yes, we... we can definitely do that.

Dope.

Do you wanna, uh, go to the master bedroom?

Yeah. Ooh, already? Whoa.

-Oh, he's so cheeky. -Let me lead the way.

Why does he dress like a banker and talk like a rapper?

He's the CTO of DA8ER.com.

-He's trying to keep up with the kids. -Yeah.

God, DA8ER must be a pretty big deal if it's paying for all of this.

Yeah. It's where I met Laura, as you may recall.

It's too bad you never got to try it.

Yeah.

Hey, guess what?

What?

Never mind. I'll tell you later.

You're late.

Yes, I am.

I am very late indeed.

Hello, sir.

-How's your day? -Shitty.

Got a work party tonight.

Oh, sorry about that. But hey, work party sounds fun.

Do you want me to come?

Or I could see you after?

It's not...

I'll be late.

Yeah, okay. In the morning then.

And maybe you could try not to be in your usual mood.

-Did you call me to start a fight? -No. No, I'm sorry. Yeah.

Um, okay.

Uh, well, I'll talk to you later.

I love you.

Love you, too.

Not to be contrarian, I just... I don't want something neutral.

I want something that pops out. But thank you for putting it up there.

Yeah. Sorry, can you please excuse me?

Yeah. Sometimes it's good to see what you don't want.

I'll take this. This one though, this green, like, leopard trees situation.

I feel like neutral though is not really my thing.

I like this one, because this is...

I've never seen that before.

Yeah, I know. I love...

That's pretty dope. This one also makes me feel like...

Was that the credenza?

No, it's all right.

I'll be up in a minute.

-Honey, um... -Yeah?

What do you want?

What?

Where do we keep the light bulbs again?

Uh, I don't know. The laundry room maybe?

Right.

Hi.

Hi.

["One We Go/Drink To Me" by The Mollys plays on car stereo]

Hey.

What's all this?

Butternut squash and apple casserole coming right up.

What is that?

This is a bouquet I made for you today at the farm.

What farm?

Hi.

Yeah, sit down.

What's going on here?

Dinner.

Yeah, but why?

Sustenance.

Uh-huh.

You haven't been looking at my emails, have you?

Why, were you expressing a secret desire for squash?

Yes, in a way.

Just lucky, I guess.

You want a glass of wine?

Maybe he has a brain tumor.

Inoperable, I hope.

She wakes up, and I hear, "Drive! Drive!"

So I wake up, I look around, and I think to myself...

And remember, one... one still works.

One still works.

I wake up, I look around, and I think to myself...

"Where's the steering wheel on this car?"

Why didn't you tell me?

I went to a spa, I didn't...

expect to walk out with two me's.

Yeah, but that was a week ago.

Why not tell me?

I don't know.

Maybe because it had nothing to do with you.

Hi. Kate Elliott.

I'm here to put down a deposit on the IVF course

that I discussed with Dr. Rosamita.

Your husband hasn't completed his baselines yet.

Yeah. And, uh, what does this have to do with him?

Normally, he would be the sperm donor.

Mm-hmm. Could be.

Or I could just get someone else to do it.

It's a $5,000 deposit. Non-refundable.

Yes, yes, yes. I know.

Here you go.

Declined. Says you should call your bank?

Oh, yeah. No. Uh, keep it.

Um, it's...

a balance alert thingy.

Sorry. It's weird. We don't actually really use this account.

We just, um, use it for this.

Hi, yes. Kate Elliott.

Zero-two-zero-seven.

Yeah, that's what I'm calling about actually. Thank you.

I'm sorry, when was that exactly?

And how much did he take out?

Um, do you still wanna put down that deposit?

All right. Well, hit me, dawg.

Ecco.

The veins are fat.

Scusi?

The veins on the marble are fat.

It's disgusting.

-Okay. Look, this is my CEO's foyer here. -All right.

-Okay. -There's a picture. Where is it?

-Okay. There. -Yeah.

-Shit. How do you zoom on this... -Just the thumb, right?

-All right. So... -So, look.

-See what I mean? -That's the identical veining.

-No, it is... Look closer. -It's slightly.

-Va bene? -Va bene.

-No. It's not va bene. It's... -Slightly thicker?

No, it's more than slightly. It's much thicker.

I want-- Just give me the right thing.

-I want the thin veins. Please. -We would have to shut construction down

for another three weeks to wait for another shipment.

Okay. Well, let me just tell you something. I cannot do that,

because how am I supposed to host Microdose mixers here

with fat veins?

I have an idea.

Okay, What?

Yeah, why don't you just grow the fuck up?

Just accept the fact that you are never going to be as young

or as hip as the notorious CEO,

no matter what type of flooring you have.

So you may as well try and focus on being a decent adult human being.

I mean, what age are you? Fifty?

Jesus Christ. Just let us install those perfectly good tiles,

which are just as good as the other tiles.

Neither of which will change your life in the slightest,

because they have nothing to do

with the things in your life that make you feel, and not unreasonably,

like a complete waste of space.

And if you don't like my plan,

then you can get another bloody architect.

Va bene?

I said, va bene?

-So that's good there. -Grazie!

I'm 48.

Oh, for God's sake.

["One We Go/Drink To Me" by The Mollys plays]

♪ There was an old woman And there was an old man ♪

Don't bother getting up.

-Hi. -Hi.

It's just you?

Uh, no. I'm meeting someone actually.

Name of your party?

Um...

Oh, actually I see it. You can follow me.

Thank you.

♪ She pushed him in the water And she held him down ♪

♪ There was an old woman And there was an old man ♪

Thank you very much.

I don't know what to call you.

Miles.