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The Duke of Edinburgh Award.

An outdoor adventure challenge set up in 1956

to take young delinquents out of the city and into the countryside.

Established by the Queen's husband, the Duke of Edinburgh,

it centers on four days' camping in the great outdoors,

away from the perils and distractions of urban life.

By completing tasks such as teamwork,

foraging and orienteering,

you will receive not only a laminated certificate

but also the sense of pride that you are part

of the promising youth of tomorrow.

It's quite the challenge.

Four days on your own.

No phones.

Just your wits and nature.

I'm Mr. Carlyle,

your new substitute outdoor education teacher.

I'll be leading the award this year.

I promise you it'll be a life-changing experience.

I'm so glad your headmaster volunteered the three of you.

Right, get your bags.

♪ Verbal couture Parkour with the metaphors ♪

♪ The flow house of horror Dead-bolted with metal doors ♪

♪ Grinch bitch Six sense with a nose drip ♪

♪ Mind skydive Sniffing bumps in the cockpit ♪

♪ Locksmith of hip-hop Appraisal the wristwatch ♪

♪ The rock's 'bout the size As the teeth In Chris Rock's mouth ♪

♪ Sock out the mic Prototype for Adderall ♪

♪ Your work killing fiends You cut it with fentanyl ♪

♪ So much coke, just to sniff Need a ski lift ♪

♪ Flip your table over if you Cut it with the bullshit ♪

♪ Nose bleed on red carpets But it just blend in ♪

♪ Snapping pictures, Feeling like my chest Being sunk in ♪

♪ Live a fast life Seen many die slow ♪

♪ Unhappy when they left So I try to seize the mo' ♪

♪ Funny how it happens Whoever would imagine ♪

♪ That joke's on you But Satan the one laughing ♪

♪ Ain't it funny How it happens? ♪

♪ Ain't it? ♪

♪ Ain't it funny How it happens? ♪

♪ Ain't it? ♪

♪ Ain't it funny How it happens? ♪

♪ Ain't it funny How it happens? ♪

♪ Ain't it? ♪

♪ Ain't it funny How it happens? ♪

♪ Ain't it? ♪

♪ Ain't it funny How it happens? ♪

♪ Ain't it? ♪

♪ Ain't it funny How it happens? ♪

Oh, my God.

Ah, smell that air.

It smells of cow shit.

Welcome. Lose yourself in the beats of DJ Beatroot!

Oy, yo, DJ Beatroot's PR campaign is kicking off nicely.

This is, like, literally grassroot marketing, untapped territory.

Right, guys? Guys?

DJ, shut up a sec.

Who are you?

Ian. Hello.

Where'd you come from?

Minibus. I got on just after you.

I said hello.

Quite a few times, actually.

What'd you do to get volunteered?

I really wanted to do the Duke of Edinburgh Award,

but I didn't have a group, so...

Why didn't you just do it with your friends?

Right. You three, stop hanging around.

Line up, boys.

Expedition start.

One, two, three, four bodies.

All healthy. Tick.

Okay, Duke of Edinburgh camping expedition roll call.

-Who have I got? -Dean Gibson, sir.

- Terribly disruptive. - Appalling attendance.

Banned from all local parks.

Burned down a school toilet.

Dean Gibson. Okay, and...

Duncan MacDonald.

-Allowed to run wild. -Undisciplined.

-Poor standard of hygiene. -Reckless. -Harebrained.

Claimed he was trying to light his sh...

-Okay, and... -DJ Beatroot.

Who?

DJ Beatroot.

Can I have your real name, please?

-That is my real name. -No, your original name.

Well, I mean, last week, I was MC DickFire.

"DickFire."

Uh, sir, it's just-- just that third one down there.

William DeBeauvoir.

- William DeBeauvoir. - Oh.

-Now introduce yourself to the class. -DJ Beatroot.

A very disappointing start to the year.

Filmed a hip-hop video in front of

the burning wreckage.

D-DJ Beatroot. Thanks.

-What did you tell him? -Told him to go fuck himself.

Nice.

Right, you've all met Ian.

Dear Mr. Carlyle, Ian is a sheltered and sensitive boy.

Placing him with like-minded, good Christian children.

A perfect environment for him where he can make friends and thrive.

Yours sincerely, Silvia Harris.

If I hear

you're ever anything other than incredibly nice to him,

- you'll fail the award. - What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, sir, can't do that.

Well, actually, teamwork is a core element

of the Duke of Edinburgh Award, so he can.

Sir, come on.

Right. Get your bags.

- Come on, boys. - Oh, smell that air.

So, you excited about the expedition?

Aye. I'm gonna blast this.

I'm gonna run the whole way.

No. We didn't have a choice, mate.

'Cause Duncan burned down a toilet!

Hey, I was trying to light a shit.

Exactly, you knob head, and now we got to do this.

This is punishment? This?

They were gonna expel him, weren't they, so we all took the blame.

That's very loyal.

I wish they'd just expelled us. That'd have been amazing.

-Yeah, trust me, man. -This, though? Ugh.

Oh, best mates ever, these lads.

Mate, and the fire was amazing. I wish you'd seen it.

Yeah, he did make a shit explode.

Well, turns out they don't really burn,

so I had to use loads of lighter fluid,

which is kind of how it all...

Think of the stupidest plan you can, okay?

It's not gonna come close to Duncan's plan.

Uh, actually, it worked so well,

it burned the whole toilet block down,

so, uh, who's stupid here?

-Uh, you. -It's definitely still you.

It really is you, mate.

Hurry up, you lot.

Come on, come on.

Okay, boys. I'll meet you at the Bàs Valley campsite at 6:00 p.m.

You all set?

Just give us the postcode, sir.

Oh, you can put that away, you numpty.

There's no reception in the Highlands.

What?

-He's right. -Shit.

So, I mean, do we just go home then?

We can't do this without a map.

-Ian. -I was told that my-my group

- would have a planned route. - Take a breath, Ian.

Okay, this is the route you'll take.

It's really quite simple. So, initially,

follow the natural contours of the valley, towards the cliffs.

This is active farmland, so respect the County Code and avoid electric fences.

Once you reach the volcanic plug

by the old oak tree, watch your step.

Try not to run, as it can be very unstable around there.

Climbing the hill should bring you to the valley of the campsite,

where I'll be waiting with a campfire.

We'll spend the night singing some rousing, hearty songs.

Though very remote, there is a road by the camp, so be aware.

We don't want any car accidents.

Setting off the next morning, do stick to the path,

as the road has severe drops on all sides.

Travel through the woods. At all costs, avoid the ruined villages around here.

Very dangerous inside those walls,

and there'll be no one to come to your rescue out there.

Final stretch, you can forage for lunch before heading to the coast,

where we'll be reunited, and I'll award you as having passed.

To be honest, the whole thing is fraught with danger, really,

and I'm amazed they let teenagers do it, but there you go.

- All clear? - Huh?

Duke of Edinburgh Award, start.

-But, sir, no, you can't. -Sir!

-Come on. -Good luck.

You'll need it.

Oh, and don't get lost.

Every year, people go missing round here.

It's...

-Ah. -Oh.

-Oh, right, yeah. -Okay.

It's north.

Oh.

Watch out, man!

Okay, boys, let's just get far enough away from the teacher,

walk around in circles and cover ourselves in fucking mud.

They'll think we've done the award.

We'll sit down by a tree, just chill out.

♪ Ain't it funny how it happen Upcoming heavy traffic ♪

♪ Say ya need to slow down 'Cause you feel Yourself crashing ♪

♪ Staring in the devil face But ya can't stop laughing ♪

♪ It's a living nightmare That most of us might share ♪

♪ Inherited in our blood It's why we stuck in the mud ♪

♪ Can't quit the drug use Or the alcohol abuse ♪

♪ Even if I wanted to Tell you what I'm gonna do ♪

Hey, yo, guys.

New kid, yo, wait up.

-That'll be mad. -Oh, shit. That looks good.

-It will be. It'll be fine. -That could work. That could work.

-Still got a map. -Yep.

Can make good time, achieve all the award goals. It'll be fine.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me enough. Yo, Duncan.

Give us a lift.

Oh, this is shit. Why'd you want to do it?

It looks good on your CV.

Gives you the extra edge in a job interview.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna be a hip-hop star,

so that's not really relevant.

Oh, yeah, good one. I-I could be a hip-hop star.

- What? No. - My parents are pretty keen for me to go into law,

so it looks good on the university application.

I could be a lawyer.

What university will you go for?

I'm gonna work in the factory with my brother and my dad.

Oh, aye. 6.50 an hour.

Seriously, 6.50 an hour for just packing fish.

Probably just do that.

Well, my family have a saying. It's, um,

"Work hard at what you love to do,

and all your dreams can come true."

Just did a gig here last week.

- Did you, actually? - Yeah.

Oh, no, better be better than the last one.

All this fresh air is horrible.

What?

Hurts my nose.

Oh, look, over there.

There he fucking is. DJ, hurry up!

Oh, yeah, you're all right 'cause you got shit shoes.

Look. We found something for you.

What the fuck are they?

Yeah, put them on instead.

Bub, I am not wearing fence shoes, man.

It doesn't matter. Look, you're taking forever. Just put them on.

It's gonna be dark before we reach the camp at this pace.

-What, we're not close yet? -We've walked one field.

Well, how many fields are there?

Oy, you lot.

Imagine someone saw DJ Beatroot wearing these.

Like, can you imagine?

"Oy, oy, DJ Beatroot.

"Where'd they come from?

How much do they cost?" Yeah.

Fuck that.

Guys, guys, it's fashion, innit?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Yo, guys, hold up. Yo, hold up.

Nothing.

It didn't blow up, so it's fine.

Well, the worm's not grounded, so that proves nothing.

What if someone pissed on it?

At least it would conduct electricity.

Duncan.

Or someone could just touch it.

Duncan.

Wh-Why is it always me?

Let's just all grab it together.

Teamwork. That's right, Duncan.

Let's put "grab it together" to a vote.

I'm a strong "maybe, yes."

-Yeah. -Aye.

Yep.

I thought we all voted to grab it together.

No, we voted on whether that's what we thought we were gonna do, not do it then.

You legend.

That was cool, though, Duncan.

-Classic Duncan plan. -Nice one, Duncan.

Just forget it.

So, did anyone bring anything?

Vegetable soup and then some leek soup.

Oh, and then I've got three flavors of hot chocolate powder.

It's, like, normal hot chocolate powder, orange hot chocolate powder,

and then I think raspberry hot chocolate powder.

- Oh, and actually... - Nah, you dickhead.

-Like, did anyone bring anything? -Lads.

-Lads. -See, that's what I'm talking about.

-Oh, Deano, Deano, Deano! -That's what I'm talking about.

- Yeah. - -I got it off my brother for 50 quid.

-It's got to be good if it cost that much. -You legend, mate.

Here, smell that.

Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff.

Yeah, right, youse all owe me for it.

-You, too, Ian. -Is it for repelling midges?

Mate, it's-it's hash.

Cannabis.

Are you insane?

I want everyone to acknowledge that I've been spiked against my will.

Oh...

Look, Ian, everyone knows the Duke of Edinburgh Award

is all about getting shit-faced.

Duke of Edinburgh Award is about navigating your way over the countryside

and overcoming obstacles as a group.

Yeah, while super high.

If there wasn't such an emphasis on teamwork, I'd bail out on you right now.

Oh, no. Come on, Ian. We're happy you're here.

-Yeah. -We're a group.

- Ian! Ian! -We're a team. We're a fucking gang.

Ian! Ian! Ian! Ian!

Are you sure that's not just a lump of tar?

Yeah. Tar hash.

More like tar... from a road.

One for you,

one there, and one for you.

-Man, I'm not gonna lie... -Here.

Take some stickers and spread the word, yeah?

-It's gonna be banging. -PR department of DJ Beatroot.

That's a lovely name.

Lovely?

DJ Beatroot.

You can probably tell from my accent I actually went to America last year.

DJ Beatroot did a little tour out there.

Wasn't that when your family went to Disneyland?

Shut up.

I mean, it was the same trip. I just, you know...

-These hills all look the same. -I wouldn't worry about it.

-You can't get lost in the countryside anyway. -Yeah, you can.

-Uh, but there's no corners here. -What?

How can you get lost in a place where there's no corners?

You're such a twat, Duncan.

You utter fanny, mate.

N-No walls means everything is always straight on,

so just chill out.

Yep. See, to be fair,

Duncan is right about that, Ian.

You've just got to relax.

What did you roll that with?

I used the corner of the map.

The corner of the-- Are you insane?

But relax, Ian.

It's just the corner. We're never going there.

All the stuff Mr. Carlyle pointed at was in the middle.

-Yeah. I'm not stupid. -Exactly.

Yeah!

-All right, go for it. -♪ Oh, check this out ♪

♪ My dick is a tyrannosaurus ♪

- Duncan! - ♪ Balls big like a bull ♪

♪ 100% Taurus ♪

♪ Make you come so loud You'll sound like A Greek chorus ♪

♪ You'll make new noises ♪

♪ So please bring a thesaurus Listen ♪

♪ They call my dick "Loch Ness" 'Cause it's a giant mystery ♪

♪ Forget inches I'm talking miles ♪

♪ The biggest dick in history ♪

♪ Girl, you'll be screaming ♪

- ♪ They'll call it a symphony ♪ - Oh!

♪ 'Cause my dick's The elephant in the room ♪

♪ Not a metaphor, literally ♪

- What, what? What, what? What?

Come on, then! Yeah!

DJ Beatroot! Raw fire!

DJ Beatroot on the mic! Yeah!

Come on, then. Who wants some?

Come and get it! Who wants some?

Oh, mad lads.

Ian's going mental.

Dean, beatbox solo.

-Duncan. Duncan. -Dean, beatbox, beatbox.

-Not now. Duncan, I'll... -Beatbox, Dean.

-Dean, beatbox. Beatbox. -Duncan. Duncan.

Ian. Ian.

Come look at this sick video, man.

- Three. - Come look at the video.

DJ Beatroot!

Four. Hmm.

Good night, Highlands.

Get home safe, yeah?

Vermin.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Could you tell me what field we're in, please?

Mine.

Right. Can you tell me which one that is, please?

Have you got a map?

Uh, no, we did have...

We did have one, but...

I know we need to be going north.

Be careful, boys.

You don't want to get lost in the Highlands.

Och, it's not safe anymore, you know.

In the old days, it was better.

You see, people died so young,

there was no time for anything bad to happen.

Now there's danger everywhere.

This whole area

full of rotten trapdoors and smugglers' tunnels.

Very easy to fall into.

Or to be dragged into, hmm?

Hey! You wee shit.

Nothing to do with me, sir.

Big Country Code fan here.

Here.

Take one of these.

Dopest beats this side of Kilmarnock.

Spread the word with the other farmers, yeah?

-Whoa. Beetroot. -DJ Beatroot.

Aye, I've farmed it. It's a lovely crop.

No. No, as-as in B-E-A-T.

Beatroot. Root of the beat.

Proper clever, right?

DJ Beatroot...!

Oh, just forget it, man.

Ugh, I shouldn't have asked him anyway, man...

Come on, DJ! I've puked, and I feel brand-new again!

Right, then. So, how are we gonna find the campsite?

Look, you're the one that got us lost.

-No, I'm not. You're just lousy at orienteering. -Whoa.

-Did you just call me a lousy Oriental? -"Orienteering."

-Look, I'll find the way. -The "O" word is very offensive, Ian.

-"Orienteering"? -Stop saying it, bruv.

Ah, we'll just vibe it out. That's what the Duke of Edinburgh Award is all about.

The Duke of Edinburgh Award is about orienteering.

- Whoa. - Maybe you should

think a bit more about Orient's feelings.

Thank you, Duncan. Kind of. Look, I'm not Chinese.

-So that makes it double racist, really. -I know you're not Chinese.

I'm just saying we need to start orienteering.

Ah, fuck the Duke of Edinburgh. He's not even real.

-Exactly. -What?

Well, he's like Santa, isn't he?

No, he's the Queen's husband.

This award looks very good on university applications.

Ah, no one cares about university, right?

You don't need uni to pack fish. Let's just do what we want.

I mean, it's not as if I see any dukes sneaking around keeping an eye on us.

Ooh...

Ian, I'm coming to get you!

It's not funny, guys. Can we just focus?

Yo.

Yo. Yo.

What's up?

Look, Dean, I've got a question for you, yeah?

Yeah.

But you got to answer it honestly.

All right.

Have I got a shit DJ name?

Um, you know, I just don't know

how gangster a vegetable can be.

The vegetable's totally irrelevant here.

I know, I know, I know.

I just can't imagine a crowd all hyped up chanting it, you know?

Really?

Like, Beatroot. Beatroot.

-Beatroot. -Oh, fuck.

Right, that name took me ages, man.

I really thought that was the one.

I'm knackered. I've been walking all day.

- Shit. - I know. We all have.

Yeah, let's just camp here.

We have to do it properly, or else we won't get the award.

Yeah, what is the award anyway?

-It's a laminated certificate. -A certificate?

A fucking certificate?

What did you think it was?

-Money. -I wanted a medal.

Well, if you achieve all the award goals,

you have a ceremony where you can meet the royal family.

Well, why would anyone want to meet them?

Look, we just can't camp here. It's not safe.

How are we gonna find the campsite?

We could ask him.

Yo!

Yo! Yo, bruv, is-is there a campsite around here?

Who's that?

Hey, pal!

Hello, boys!

That looks a little bit like the, um...

You all right?

Hey, yo!

That's crazy. I mean...

The population's

got a little too big this year.

Is that the Duke of Edinburgh?

-Is that the Duke of Edinburgh? -Holy shit.

Yo!

So, we've got to cull the weakest animals.

He'd just give us the medal now, and we can go home.

For the good of the herd.

I have no idea what he's shouting about.

Run!

This is not natural.

- Now! Go! - Run!

- Is this part of the award? - No!

Quick, keep moving!

Oh, for fuck-- Hurry up!

Go, go, go, go, go!

I think I'm gonna be sick.

He nearly shot me!

Look, fuck this guy. Let's take him out.

We got any weapons?

- Oh, we're doomed. - Hey.

This is actually well sharp.

Oh, man.

Come on.

Come to daddy.

-Lord, help us in this time of need. -Oh, fuck.

-Guide us through the darkness. -We're fucked. Run for it?

-See us through with your light. -I'll make a bomb.

-What? -Deano!

- Shh. - Deano. Deano.

How do you know how to make a bomb?

I downloaded the terrorist handbook, didn't I?

The government have monitors on that stuff, you know. And you'll be on the list now.

Come on, I'm not stupid. I didn't download it at my house.

Whoa. Whose house did you download it at?

- Duncan's. Oh, appreciate that, man.

Wait a minute.

I mean, I...

Your name is Duncan MacDonald, right?

You're the whitest white guy I've ever met.

-You're basically albino. I wouldn't worry. -Huh.

"Doonkhan Mach D'Naald."

A friend in head office just sent me this on the sly.

Don't get your hopes up, but...

we may have a terrorist in the Highlands.

What about the bread thief?

This is our number-one case now.

Nail this, and there's no way it's us getting closed down.

A terrorist.

Whoa.

Legit.

Okay.

Now or never.

Welcome to the hunting season!

Oy!

- Duke of Dick! - "Duke of Dick."

Go, go, go, go, go!

Oh, children.

Now I can brew up a lovely post-hunt cup of tea.

- Where's the explosion? - Why, thank you.

Yeah, the whole point of a bomb.

Just kind of skim-read the instructions.

- Oh, for f... - Got any crockery?

Throw that down too.

Okay, okay. A bomb.

-A bomb. A bomb. -Right.

Have you got a map?

- A bomb. - -Got it off my brother for 50 quid.

Are you sure that's not just a lump of tar?

- A bomb. - -Dopest beats this side of Kilmarnock.

I got this.

Well, how's that gonna help us?

Aha.

- No! - Yo, it worked.

- Duncan! Duncan! - No, no!

- That actually worked. - Duncan!

Bastard children!

Wait, you used all the hash?

-That was supposed to last us months! -Go.

-I'm not wasting it. -Come on, come on.

- It cost 50 quid. -Come on. Let's go. Grab your stuff.

Where's Dean? Dean.

Wait up, boys! I'll be two seconds!

Come on, boys! There's still loads of little bits! It's really good!

Come on!

Oh, I think that was rabbit shit.

Damn it, damn it! Crap!

Run, boy, run.

♪ We are the murderous pair That went to jail ♪

♪ And we murdered The murderers there ♪

♪ Then went to hell And discovered the devil ♪

♪ Delivered some hurt And despair ♪

♪ Used to have powder to push ♪

♪ Now I smoke pounds Of the kush ♪

♪ Holy, I'm burnin' a bush ♪

♪ Now I give a fuck about None of this shit ♪

♪ Jewel runner over And out of this bitch ♪

One bar.

Police. We're being chased by a psycho pedophile with a gun.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-You can't go calling him that. -What?

We don't know if he's a pedophile.

Everyone old and famous is a pedo.

Well, you're 16, so it'd actually be fine.

I'd be fine?

You just can't call him a pedophile.

Oh, hello. Sorry.

Yes, that's right, we're being chased by a psycho with a gun,

but we're still trying to figure out if he fancies us.

Better.

Where?

On top of a mountain.

Oh, near a sheep.

-Oh, near a campsite. -What?

- What? - Get down.

Come on. Dean, hurry up!

Come on!

Dean, it's the minibus!

We found the campsite!

We were right. We're saved.

Just vibe it out.

Fucking told you.

Hamish, grab your stuff together. We're going to investigate.

Dougie, you stay here and-and man the phone.

-But the superintendent said... -The situation has escalated.

You want to impress the superintendent?

This is our big ticket.

Hamish, get your stuff.

You're driving.

See ya.

- Hello? - Mr. Carlyle?

This is weird, man.

-Where is he? -Mr. Carlyle?

Boys?

Hmm?

Well done. Gosh, you made good time.

Sir, we've been chased by the Duke.

Oh, yes. He's come to check up on his award, has he?

-No, it was a mask. -He was shooting at us, sir.

Now, boys, I like a laugh, and I'm glad to see you're entering into the banter, Ian,

but that joke is actually quite inappropriate.

He's mental! He nearly killed us!

Not another word on this!

Show some respect.

But...

Right, then, let's prep the camp.

Come on.

You two, I want you to re-aerate the kindling there

in a substrata that'll ventilate

the, uh, larger branches on top.

Then let's, uh, crack some tins of beans, get them warming up.

So, watch out for thistles when you lay down your tents.

-I'm then wanting to see your food. -Mmm.

The forecast says it's a cold one,

so I'd suggest something warmer than cereal for your breakfast.

Cereal for your breakfast.

-Huh? -There's a killer frost coming,

uh, but that's part of the fun of the Duke of Edinburgh Award.

-Now... -Huh?

Watch out... watch out... for your breakfast.

I'm... cereal.

The Duke...

I'm...

Watch out. The Duke...

I'm... the Duke.

I'm the...

serial killer duke.

You okay there, Dean?

What happened to your leg, Mr. Carlyle?

Yeah, what happened to your leg?

Is that a burn?

Oh, yes, uh, bit embarrassing.

I tried to cook up my lunch, and the wind changed direction,

and I have hair on my legs, so they caught very easily,

so... schoolboy error.

Although not all schoolboys have hair on their legs,

so I suppose that's a misnomer.

Boys?

We're going to get firewood, sir.

- We're just gonna keep walking. - Now.

-Let's just keep walking. -Right now.

Aye, that's the spirit.

Quick. Come on.

- Quick, team huddle. Quick, get down.

Okay, so Mr. Carlyle was the Duke.

He is. He told us.

I mean, I suppose the story about his leg's a bit far-fetched, but...

And, okay, get this.

The Duke burned his leg too. Coincidence? Maybe not.

Check this out. What I'm saying is maybe Mr. Carlyle is the Duke.

That's literally what I just said.

Don't try and take the credit. So we've got to kill him, right?

-What? -Eh?

Otherwise, he's gonna kill us in our sleep. He's the Duke.

-Yeah. -Duncan's actually right.

Course I am. That's why they call me the brains.

-No one ever calls you that. -Uh, it's my Xbox Live name, so I get called it all the time.

-That doesn't really count 'cause it's Xbox Live. -No.

Focus, please. This is not the time. Look, let's just...

Let's just concentrate.

He's got a beard, so how can he be the Duke?

Well, it's a disguise, isn't it?

-Exactly. -Listen.

Right, he threatened us. Okay?

I mean, he told us to watch out.

I mean, he told us he's a killer.

Did he?

Why do you think he was going on about schoolboys' legs, hmm?

Why would that be, Ian?

Pedo.

-Well, I think killing him's a wee bit much. -Well, he's got to be stopped.

Look, we need to decide on a plan fast, before he knows that we know.

- Good, DJ. - Plus...

That's right. Teamwork.

-We'll put it to a vote. -Right.

I'm a... strong "maybe, yes."

Right. DJ?

-Yeah. -And Dean?

- Aye. - And Duncan?

Duncan?

Yep!

What the heck, Duncan?

Duncan, you madman!

- What the hell have you done? - -Duncan!

What? We-we all just agreed to kill him.

We were voting on whether we should maybe kill him, not kill him then.

Oh, shit, not this again.

Fuck's sake.

I've never seen a murder before.

I'm homeschooled.

Okay, okay, I'm almost at the edge. All right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Duncan, stop, idiot.

All right, stop there.

Thanks, DJ.

Fuck.

Well, this is horrific.

Look, it's fine. I mean, the Duke was trying to kill us.

- We had to fight back. - Exactly.

That's how it goes down in the hood.

Except we're not in the hood, DJ.

-We're in the Scottish Highlands. -Pretty similar.

What are you doing?

Making him look sad so it seems like suicide.

If anyone finds out about this, we're definitely failing the award.

Ian, this is teamwork. We're overcoming obstacles.

The real Duke would be proud of us right now.

Come on, he was a fucking psycho.

-No one's gonna find him anyway. -Exactly, man.

All right, do it, Duncan. Send it off the edge.

Three.

Two.

- One! - Quick! Right, go, go, go!

Quick, quick. Jump out!

Ah, shit.

Wouldn't worry about it. Britain's an island.

It'll fall off a cliff eventually.

Right. Let's get moving.

That's it, boys.

I'm done. I'm going home.

- But you can't. We're very lost. -What?

I thought you said you were dead good at this.

You all right, Ian?

Of course I'm not F-ing all right. We just killed our teacher.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That was the Duke.

He was the Duke.

Who was?

Found you.

Fuck.

Ah, there you are.

I see you've met my wife.

Continued reports of missing children.

Purity for the Common Good.

Worrying trend of the wrong

sort of youth being given more and more opportunities.

Britain's culture is at risk.

I propose an annual cull

to remove the troublemakers and keep control of the herd.

You see, we must keep

the integrity of the species under control.

Bottle them!

Oh, shit.

Leg it! Go!

Come on!

Give us sport!

How'd Mr. Carlyle come back?

-That wasn't Mr. Carlyle! -So who is Mr. Carlyle, then?

I think Mr. Carlyle was just Mr. Carlyle.

What?

- Whoa! - Quickly, Duncan.

- Go on! - Dance, boys.

- Dance. - Keep going!

Right, keep going!

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

-Oh, shit! -♪ Eeny meeny miney moe Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Catch a rapper at his show Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Couple dollars, let him blow Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Who's up next, I don't know Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Eeny meeny miney moe Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Catch a rapper at his show Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Couple dollars, let him blow Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Who's up next, I don't know Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Come on!

So you're just gonna go back to being a postman, then?

No, because we're not going to be closed down.

Well, Malcolm in the Pitlochry station

says they are a day away from catching the bread thief

and that the superintendent's been down to congratulate them already.

Listen, when we bring in this case,

the superintendent will make us central command of the Highlands.

Yeah, well, she'd better, 'cause I cannot go back to that abattoir.

I'm just not very good with blood and violence.

You worked in accounts.

-I could still sense it. -Och, Hamish.

I need you to focus.

This is a big case, a real chance for us both to show what we're made of.

Come on. Concentrate.

I-I am concentrating.

I don't feel you concentrate.

I feel your head's all over the place.

I need you to focus and stay on the job.

Now, eyes peeled, Hamish.

Eyes peeled.

The Duke of Edinburgh is well mean.

That's obviously not the Duke of Edinburgh.

-So who is it, then? -Just a different duke.

♪ Aye, oh, the Duke's insane ♪

♪ How will I explain When we get hame? ♪

♪ He shot Ian in the brain ♪

- DJ. - Guys, that was the first time I've done a rap

-that wasn't about my dick. -Shut up, DJ!

No one cares, you tit!

Help!

Help!

♪ My dick is a tyrannosaurus ♪

♪ Balls big like a bull ♪

♪ 100% Taurus ♪

♪ Make you come so loud... ♪

We need to hide. Let's find some woods.

-The woods are shit! -We should dump our rucksacks.

-Don't stop. Keep going. -The bags are making us slower.

-Yeah, but we can't stop. -If we stop and drop the bags, we can be faster after.

But we'll have stopped, so they'll catch us.

They'll catch us if we go this slowly, Dean.

Which is exactly why we can't stop.

Keep running, Ian!

Ian, this is the worst time for a rest, bro.

I'm not resting. It's my ankle.

You can't leave me.

I'm sorry, Ian.

I-I can't die. I'm the future of hip-hop.

Thanks for understanding, bro.

-See you in a bit. -DJ. DJ.

Don't worry, Ian. I got you.

Oh, thank you, Duncan.

-Camouflage. -Duncan, what the heck?

Duncan, what are you doing?

-Duncan! -Good luck, wee man.

If they see you, just pretend to be a deer.

Don't leave me.

Duncan!

Guys? Guys!

Duncan?

Well spotted, Hamish.

It's some sort of terrorist...

campsite?

Mm, wait a minute.

What's this?

You, uh... you doing forensics?

It's drugs.

No.

Oh.

-Hmm. -That's rabbit poo, though.

I know.

I knew that. I-I was just...

double-checking.

Found this as well.

"Beatroots."

Some sort of agricultural audiobook?

This is no audiobook, Hamish.

This is hip-hop.

Oh, no, not in the Highlands.

Drugs and hip-hop.

We are dealing with an urban gang.

What, a London gang?

I've done a training course on this stuff.

Dougie, Dougie. Come in, Dougie.

We are on the lookout for 15 to 20 young black males in hooded tops.

-Where's Ian? -He's sorted.

- Don't worry. - It's getting dark.

Let's get to that barn, get some help, yeah?

Are you mental? Look at it.

We've just been chased by some psycho,

and you want to go in that barn that looks like it's owned by a serial killer.

If someone tries something, we just...

You know what I mean?

What, you-you point at them?

Oh, no, sorry, sorry, DJ.

I forgot, you're the leader of some unseen gangsta rap crew.

If they could come around right now and help us out, that'd be really handy.

-It'd be really great. -Well, what are you gonna do, huh?

Find a cave.

Yeah, really well-thought-out plan.

-Classic Duncan plan, innit? Dickhead. -Better than your plan.

Bruv, I ain't scared. That's nothing.

I deal with much worse every day on the street.

What streets, DJ?

I mean, your mum showed me a photo of your house back in London.

-What? -It was covered in ivy.

Yeah, you were outside in a little school uniform.

-And holding a chess trophy. -Nah, nah.

What are you talking about? Must have been someone else or something.

It's, like, a Photoshop or something.

The closest thing you've been to the ghetto is coming round my house,

and even then you're too scared to get off the bus.

Just be fucking real for once, please.

And...

...you have a shit DJ name.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

All right.

Enjoy your cave, pussies.

Come on, Duncan.

A bit harsh, man.

♪ The hounds get the scent And are filled with glee ♪

♪ The knife is sharp And the blood runs quick ♪

♪ My hands are red And wet and slick ♪

♪ The hunt is fine And the fox is mine ♪

♪ The hunt is fine And the fox is mine ♪

♪ The hunt is fine And the fox is mine ♪

♪ The hunt is fine And the fox is mine ♪

Dean?

Duncan?

Where are you? It's me.

Pasta.

Tons of soup sachets.

Normal soup, coriander soup,

chicken soup, vegetarian soup, beef soup.

Hot chocolate powders.

Have you got any water? I chucked all mine at the Duke.

Me, too. Hit the lady duke in the balls.

I can't believe you actually found a cave.

This is perfect. Hey, Duncan, this is a perfect plan, mate.

Well, you know, everyone knows, when you get lost in the Highlands,

you find a cave, but thanks anyway.

And we don't even need water. We can just eat it like this. It'll still be tasty.

Try mixing it in your mouth with the spit

so it becomes a bit more soupy.

Delicious.

-Another good Duncan plan, eh? -Mm.

Where are you hiding?

Where are you hiding?

Where are you?

- You can't hide. - Where are you?

Nowhere to run.

-Little boy. -Nowhere to run.

It's him.

No, no, no, no, no. My name's William DeBeauvoir.

It's him.

DJ Beatroot.

Yeah?

It's DJ Beatroot.

DJ Beatroot!

Beatroot!

Beatroot! Beatroot!

Beatroot! Beatroot!

That's fucking right.

That's my name!

-DJ Beatroot! -Yes!

Yes!

-DJ Beatroot! -Yes!

-Yes! Yes! -DJ Beatroot!

Yes!

Go on, now.

Go on!

Oh, good boy.

Let's get this party started, eh?

Joe.

What is it?

Oh.

The Highlands' best kept secret.

Local rabbit shites.

They really get you well fucked up.

See, the rabbits love the magic mushroom, right?

And then it ferments in the gut and...

becomes... supercharged.

Hmm?

Now, only take one.

Seriously.

Why do you think they call it the Highlands, eh?

Booyah!

Little boy.

Little boy.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Oh, shit!

Do mind your tongue, young man.

Fuck!

-Hello, darling. -Hello, sweetheart.

♪ Oh, the... ♪

♪ Fox runs fast When the fox does flee ♪

♪ The hounds get the scent And are filled with glee ♪

♪ The knife is sharp And the blood runs quick ♪

♪ My hands are red And wet and slick ♪

Mommy's coming.

Is that him?

Oh, shit. Ian! We've got to help.

Aye, we could take 'em. They're just old people.

Old people with swords and guns.

Since when have you been scared of a bunch of posh old people?

Let's fucking do this.

Ian, we're coming!

Go on. Here we go.

All right, all right, all right. Yo, listen up. Listen up.

You guys having a good time, yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah!

DJ Beatroot in the fucking house!

- Yeah! Come on. - Yeah!

I got something new for you, all right?

A lot of shit's been going down in the Highlands.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. -And I'm about to tell you all about it.

Mr. Farmer, hit that track.

Here we go.

Come on, come on.

Y'all ready, yeah?

- Yeah! - Okay.

Okay, DJ Beatroot fresh out the box.

Listen, listen.

♪ This flawed award's Caused discord ♪

♪ The Duke's sanity's A boat unmoored ♪

♪ The bored and ignored youth Get mauled ♪

♪ God save the Queen? What about us, Lord? ♪

Come on, then, look.

That's what I'm talking about!

-You having a good time, yeah? -Yeah!

♪ Four boys Three ugly and Caucasian ♪

♪ One a sexy, well-hung Asian ♪

♪ None of them really Of hiking persuasion ♪

♪ Dumbstruck in A royal liaison ♪

Who have you come to see tonight?

DJ Beatroot!

♪ Oh, the kill is clean And the cut is quick ♪

♪ We thank the blade And the hunter's wit ♪

♪ One chance, two chance Three chance, four ♪

♪ Survived them all But how many more? ♪

♪ The hunt is fine And the fox is mine ♪

♪ The hunt is fine And the fox is mine ♪

♪ When I say "get" You say "duked" ♪

-♪ Get, get ♪ -♪ Duked, duked ♪

♪ When I say "get" You say "Duked" ♪

-♪ Get, get ♪ -♪ Duked, Duked ♪

♪ Duked ♪

♪ Duked ♪

Fuck, it's hot.

♪ Duked ♪

♪ Duked ♪

-♪ Duked ♪ -Shh.

♪ Duked ♪

♪ This horror flair Don't star Freddy ♪

♪ Met your nightmare On the Duke of Eddy ♪

♪ Never seen a mask Like this on our screen ♪

♪ The Duke's rubber cast Haunts our dreams ♪

- Is that hip-hop? - Fuck him.

♪ Loco Duke on The Yellow Shit Road ♪

♪ Toto, we ain't in Glasgow, though ♪

♪ Tin Van's search for a cliff Or stiff spin round ♪

♪ The scarecrows Stormed off in a tiff ♪

♪ The fox's time Will soon be nigh ♪

♪ God bless the fields And the empire's sky ♪

♪ The blood runneth soon As we end our tune ♪

♪ The blood runneth soon As we end our tune ♪

Oh, you bastard.

Dougie, listen.

There are loads of them.

It's a riot.

Hamish.

Stop it. Hamish.

Ian! Ian!

♪ The fox runs fast When the fox does flee... ♪

-Ian! -♪ Filled with glee The knife is sharp ♪

-♪ And the blood runs quick ♪ -Stop it.

♪ My hands are red And wet and slick ♪

Ian, we're coming!

♪ Lost in the hills But we've got a choice ♪

♪ Barely no skills, but we've Got a voice, together we rise ♪

♪ That we met's not a fluke Element of surprise ♪

♪ Hunt's over, dear Duke ♪

♪ When I say "get" You say "Duked" ♪

-♪ Get, get ♪ -♪ Duked, Duked ♪

♪ When I say "get" You say "Duked" ♪

-♪ Get, get ♪ -♪ Duked, Duked ♪

♪ Nobis bene, nemini male ♪

♪ Duchess can't touch us Duke's got duked ♪

♪ Deficit omne quod nasciture ♪

♪ Duchess can't touch us Duke's got duked ♪

Go, go, go, go! Dougie, Dougie, Dougie.

Dougie! Dougie! Go!

Get in the car!

Fucking drive!

Dougie! You'll never believe this, Dougie!

They're fucking zombies, Dougie.

♪ When I say "get" You say "Duked" ♪

-♪ Get, get ♪ -♪ Duked, Duked ♪

♪ When I say "get" You say "Duked" ♪

-♪ Get, get ♪ -♪ Duked, Duked ♪

-♪ Get, get ♪ -♪ Duked, duked ♪

-♪ Get, get ♪ -♪ Duked, duked ♪

Hello.

-♪ Get ♪ -♪ Duked ♪

-♪ Get ♪ -♪ Duked ♪

Let's fucking have it!

Charge, Ian!

Bastards! You've done it now.

Don't you tease me, little boy!

Fuck off, Granddad.

That sword has been in our family for hundreds of years.

The blacksmith that smelted it

had his own hands chopped off after

so no common hands would ever have touched it.

This sword's a piece of shit.

Hand it over so I can chop off your grubby hands

and put things back to right.

Oh, aye. You and whose army?

Oh, you naive child.

And you-- where's your army, eh?

♪ When I say "get" ♪

♪ You say "Duked" ♪

-♪ Get ♪ -♪ Duked ♪

What's my name? DJ Beatroot!

- What's my name? - DJ Beatroot!

- What's my name? - DJ Beatroot.

What the hell is that?

- What's my name? - DJ Beatroot?

No! The horses!

Charge!

Tactical retreat.

DJ fucking Beatroot.

I'm coming for you, brothers!

DJ Beatroot!

Ian, hold tight. Here we go. Found this in a field.

Gonna strap you up good, mate.

All right, put your leg up. There we go. Okay.

What the hell happened?

We saved you.

- You left me. - Yo.

We had to leave you in order to save you.

Otherwise, how could we save you?

Yeah, look, I'm sorry for leaving you, Ian.

But I'm all about community now, yeah?

Farmside!

Hey, Farmside!

DJ Beatroot!

I thought you were different, but you're not.

You're just more cool kids that treat me like a loser, like everyone else.

Ian, why do you think us three are such good mates?

I mean, we're... we're losers at school.

No one talks to us.

But you... you've been pretty cool.

Like, you haven't slagged us off or anything.

Come on, you're part of the gang.

That's why we came back.

What about the Dukes?

They'll be back. They'll try and kill us. Who's gonna stop them?

We'll call the police.

How are we gonna explain Mr. Carlyle to them?

It was a genuine mistake.

I thought he was trying to kill us.

-I-I didn't know. I-I thought... -Hey.

I know, but if we don't want to go to jail, we're gonna have to capture the Dukes.

They're our only proof.

Okay, Dean, help me up.

Oh, yeah. There we go.

They want to know where our army is?

We're our own army.

Holy shit, Ian.

Are you going full Braveheart on us?

They can't hunt us if we're already hunting them.

-Oh, I'm in. I'm so fucking in. -Yes.

No corners, right, Duncan? Nowhere to hide.

Fuck yes, Ian!

-I fucking love this award now, boys! -Come on, come on!

Only problem is we don't have any weapons.

Yeah?

Oh.

-Well, how's about a sword? -Oh.

- A sword! - Aye.

And... a massive fuck-off gun.

-A gun! -And I still got my fork.

Like I said, it is well sharp.

Right, that as well.

Well, shout it out, then.

What?

You shouted out all the others. Shout mine out too.

-Fork. -Yeah!

Let's fucking do this!

Now...

Let's finish this award.

Fuck.

How can you not remember if they went north or south?

It was dark, and...

I think I had my eyes closed for most of it.

What's got into you?

Are you crying?

Sorry, it... you know, it just feels a bit overwhelming all of a sudden.

It's like nothing matters.

Oh.

Hello, Superintendent.

Superintendent.

What brings you here all the way from the big village?

Dougie called me in,

said things may have got a wee bit out of hand.

What's this nonsense?

It's all true.

I saw it with my own eyes.

It's gone fucking mental out there.

Enough!

Letting your imagination run wild.

When you're sitting on...

the crime of the decade.

Half the Highlands' bread's gone missing.

I've no had a ciabatta in weeks.

Granary, seeded batch, pita,

organic raisin and cashew bloomer-- gone.

There's babies out there who've never even seen a baguette.

My neighbor, who, by the way, fought in the war,

had to spread jam on a dog biscuit yesterday.

All the ducks are miserable.

They're getting really vicious.

Think about it-- no toast means no butter.

All the farmers have gone mental. It's a full-scale disaster.

So stop daydreaming.

Stop playing TV cops.

Nothing ever happens in the Highlands.

This is as big as it'll ever get for you.

Accept that,

or hand in your badges right now.

They've let the bread trail go cold.

It's hard to know where to start from now.

He's a bread thief.

Follow the trail of crumbs.

Follow the crumbs.

She's right.

That's how we'll find them.

But what about the bread thief?

We can't ignore what we've found.

The superintendent's wrong.

People's lives are at risk here.

So, are we going rogue?

Yes, Hamish, we are.

We're going rogue!

I'm a real policeman now.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Trust no one. Could be anyone under those masks.

Could be a bunch of them. Could even be one of us.

-No. -Who can say?

The Duke might even be me.

Whoa.

You're too young, Duncan. It's everyone old that we got to watch out for.

Right, enough chitchat. Let's make a plan.

Okay, look, we're in a valley with no tree line,

so there's a natural route.

They'll want to follow a stream, which I suggest will probably be one or two miles that way.

Right, and they're old, so they're not gonna be climbing any big mountains.

-Right. -You see those boulders there?

The grass round it suggests to me that it's probably quite boggy,

- so they'll be traveling slow. - Hmm.

Well, let's use the rocks as cover and follow the contours of the valley then.

-Agree? -Okay.

- All right, cool. - Let's go. Come on.

Yeah.

Come on.

Hurry up, Ian.

Come on, boys.

Ow. Wait!

Here. Morag.

-You were right. -Excellent work, Hamish.

More drugs.

Heroin, maybe.

Bad quality, though.

Heavily cut with something.

Chicken?

Guys.

Move.

Get down.

That's it. They're there. Right where we said they'd be.

We were right.

-This is it. -Yeah.

Oh, wait, hang on. Take some of these.

Here.

They'll get you well mashed up.

You'll feel fucking invincible.

- Are these what I think they are? - -Look.

These are called Farmer's Courage, all right?

Trust me. Down 'em.

Nah.

Nah, I'm not going there. Committed to you now, Ian.

Aye. Against the spirit of the award, right?

Legend.

-Fuck it. -All right.

Oh, by the way, guys, only ever take one at a time.

Oh, shit.

Give me the rest.

Here we go.

♪ Hear what I say We are the business today ♪

♪ Fuck shit is finished today ♪

♪ RT and J We the new PB and J ♪

♪ We dropped a classic today ♪

♪ We did a tablet Of acid today ♪

♪ Lit joints with the masses And ashes away ♪

♪ Skrrt, we dash away Donner and Dixon ♪

♪ The pistol is blasting away ♪

♪ Doctors of death Curing our patients of breath ♪

♪ We are the pain You can trust ♪

♪ Crooked at work Cookin' up curses and slurs ♪

♪ Smokin' my brain into mush I became famous For blamin' you fucks ♪

♪ Maimin' my way Through the brush ♪

♪ There is no training Or taming of me and my bruh ♪

♪ Look like a man But I'm animal raw ♪

I don't... I don't understand it.

The youth's gone feral.

They're making a mockery of everything this country stands for.

Was that a gun?

They've got all our weapons.

Let's keep moving.

Oy, you wankers!

- Oy! Oy! - "I..."

- Wankers! - "Iyahwanka"?

"Iyah... wanka."

"Allahu Akbar."

Hamish, we found them.

Can't run for much longer!

Not gonna-- Fuckin' A!

I c-- I can't go.

I can't. I can't.

I can't.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Oh, God.

These youngsters should have the decency

to let one take a good chop at them.

Oh, gosh, listen to us.

We sound like... we sound like a couple of old fogies.

We are old.

That's why they're not scared of us anymore.

Well, when did it happen? We used to be invincible.

All right, Duke?

Oh, God.

Oh, no, you don't.

Come on!

Come on!

My God, that fork is sharp.

In here!

- Get... Get... - Duked! Duked!

- Oh, fuck, it's locked. - Damn it to hell!

Duked!

Thank you.

Oh, lovely. Thanks so much.

Typical.

- Go, go, go. - -When I say "get," you say "Duked."

-Get... Get... -Duked! Duked!

-They're getting away, Duncan. -When I say "get," you say "Duked."

-Get... Get... -Duked! Duked!

Come here, come here, come here.

Um, take that.

You ready?

Come on.

Three, two, one, go!

Oh, where are the boats?

I was told this was the escape point.

- Well, where are the boats, then? - -I don't bloody know.

Oh, this is great.

Just great. Well done.

- Get... Get... - Duked! Duked!

When I say "get," you say "Duked."

-Get... Get... -Duked! Duked!

When I say "get," you say "Duked."

-Get... Get... -Duked! Duked!

When I say "get," you say "Duked."

-Get... Get... Get... -Duked! Duked! Duked!

-Get... Get... Get... -Duked! Duked! Duked!

-Get... -Duked!

Duked, Duked, Duked, Duked, Duked,

Duked, Duked, Duked, Duked, Duked!

Put that down, little boy.

Don't you realize it's dangerous?

Yeah, after all the times you shot at us with it.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. That's completely different.

-Uh, hand me my sword. -Oh, back off.

Bad form, Mowgli.

Who? But you shot at us.

You tried to kill us for no reason.

No reason?

You people, your generation, you're always complaining,

always saying that you are the victims.

Yeah, you don't even realize you are the cause of your problems,

always blaming someone else.

But you definitely did cause this problem.

Don't answer back. Respect your elders.

You think we're gonna put up with this? You don't think we're gonna fight back?

You see, it's exactly that new challenging attitude

that needs to be culled-- and fast.

You don't know how good you have it.

We've given you this perfect world,

and all your lot can do is turn round and say that we have ruined it.

But you have ruined it.

I mean, everything's shite for us.

And fucking wanker golf, la-dee-dah,

"Oh, look at my house I bought after I went to uni and got a fucking job.

Why can't you?" It's fucking bullshit.

Okay?

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm...

I'm gonna pack fish and live with my drunk dad till I'm old.

That's it. That's all I've got going.

And by then, you rich cunts will be living on Mars

'cause the planet will be so fucked anyway.

But even then, not even then are you gonna get it.

No, youse'll be in your gold-plated oxygen tanks

still convincing yourself you did nothing wrong

and everything's perfectly fair.

Meanwhile, we'll be on Earth,

as mutants living in bunkers,

explaining to our manky fucking three-eyed kids

what you tweedy business CEO fucking greedy bastards did to us!

-Yeah, what he said. -Yeah.

Wasn't sure about the mutants part, but overall, yeah.

Yeah.

How come you guys get to live on Mars?

-It's very sweet, isn't it? -It is, I have to say.

It's our time now. It's over.

I do love it when they talk.

What you laughing at?

Come on, Grandma!

Oh, you silly boys.

You didn't actually think you'd be able to change anything, did you?

Where are they?

Ah, there you are!

-There you are. -Yoo-hoo!

Well, well, well.

Mackenzie, you old bastard.

Took your time.

Hello, old man. Gosh.

Very aggressive bunch this year, aren't they?

Yes, we managed to kill four or five.

They put up a real fight.

-They were terrible practice. -Oh!

It's it so lovely to be out on the hunt again, though.

D of E is my favorite time of year.

-So invigorating. -So reaffirming.

Ooh, we must all get a photo.

-When were we all last together? -Absolutely.

-What a good idea. -Come on. Gather round.

Darling, come over here.

Here, let's do it here.

- In we go. - Come here, darling.

-Oh, right, we've got a camera. Well done. -Good. That's it.

-Right here. Here we go. -Yes.

-In you get, Tom. -Hop in. Perfect.

Oh, that's great.

Youse are all fucking mental.

Steady with the language, old boy.

-You've no idea what they've been saying. -So uncouth.

It's appalling.

You won't get away with this.

That's where you are wrong.

We always do.

And we always will.

You see, one must cull the vermin

so that the crops may thrive.

I'm sure you understand.

Ready.

Aim.

Fi...

It's a miracle.

It's the minibus!

-I told you, didn't I? -Mr. Carlyle!

-Mr. Carlyle. -Mr. Carlyle.

I'm so sorry, sir.

I want you to know that

we genuinely did think you were a psycho pedo.

We hope you understand, sir.

You're at peace now.

Mr. Carlyle!

Get him out! Get him out!

-Go help! Go! Go! -Quick!

-Come on, quick. Quick. -Get his legs.

Grab his legs! Grab his legs!

Get his legs.

Oh, shit.

-Okay, set him down. -Easy, easy, easy, easy.

-I've got a faint heartbeat. -I didn't kill him.

-I wouldn't speak too soon, mate. -I'm gonna lose him.

-Duncan, give him mouth-to-mouth. -Oh...

-Nah. -What, bro? Come on, man.

Someone give him some water.

Oh. It's not water, but it's well better.

It's working.

-We need to shock him. -Ah.

Yes!

You...

You...

You've f-fa...

-Yeah? -What?

You've failed the award.

-Oh, come on, sir. -What? Are you kidding us?

-We saved your life. -We saved you.

You killed me!

But we had to kill you in order to save you.

-Or else how could we save you? -That is a good point.

Oh, you...

are all in a lot of trouble.

Hold it right there.

Sorry to interrupt, but have you seen

about 50 young males in hooded tops

wearing satanic animal skulls, covered in heroin,

who look a bit undead, pass through here?

'Cause watch out. They're all pedophiles.

Um...

no, we've not seen that.

Trail's gone dead again.

What's going on here?

Duke of Edinburgh Award.

Officer, these boys...

Uh, found a smashed-up minibus!

This could still be a clue.

Go. Go.

Are you okay, sir?

These boys...

- ...tried to kill me. - Oh, my God!

Don't let those boys out of your sight!

What is it, Hamish?

They've only gone and found the bloody bread thief.

Oh, my...

- God. - Look.

- Ciabatta, baguettes. - Oh, my God!

Oh, oh, look.

Pain-- Pain au chocolat here, uh, b-brioche.

It's the cashew bloomer.

Whose minibus is this?

It's theirs.

-Aye, it's theirs. -Yeah, it's theirs.

Look under the bus.

Oh, my Lord.

Well, it's a gang.

Blood, guns. There's masks.

You think they've found the terrorists as well?

Would we maybe get a medal for this?

Well, I expect so. I mean, you're heroes.

We get a medal.

We did it. We won the award.

We will be getting the real award, though, right?

Aye.

What are your names, lads?

Uh, DJ Beatroot.

I think I've heard of you.

Well, I mean, I'm pretty big round these parts.

Duncan.

The brains behind the operation, I can see.

Pretty much, aye.

Do I know you from somewhere?

No.

Dean. Hi.

-Well done, son. -Thanks.

Have you ever thought a career in the forces?

-I mean, you'd be good. -I might do that.

Don't know. I'm gonna keep my options open, though.

Could go into politics, take down the big man, you know?

-Ian Harris. -Congratulations.

That's a great set of mates you got there.

Yeah. They're the best.

I think we'll get you to the hospital.

Uh, uh, Hamish.

We get a medal. We did it. We won the award.

Hamish.

Hamish!

Hamish.

Right, lads, straight in that minibus, eh? Been a long day for youse.

How much would I have to pay you

to have Mr. Carlyle's balls rested on your head

for one hour each day for a full year?

That's got to be at least 50 quid.

At least 50 quid?

You get 6.50 an hour working in the fucking fish factory.

- You have to sit there... - 500.

500 quid. Sound.

-We'll try and work that out for you. -Just a minute.

-Come on, look. -Hey!

- Hey. - Wait.

- Stop. - Yo.

Are you doing the Duke of Edinburgh Award?

Yeah.

Here.

You'll need this.

And this.

Make this signal, and you'll always have backup.

Farmside, yeah?

Trust me on this.

It's well sharp.

Give 'em hell.

♪ Clap your hands If the police ever profiled ♪

♪ You ain't got to worry Don't be scary 'Cause we on now ♪

♪ Ain't no gentrifying us We finna buy the whole town ♪

♪ Tell the one percent To suck a dick Because we on now ♪

♪ We on now, we on now ♪

♪ Tell the one percent To suck a dick Because we on now ♪

♪ Tell the government To suck a dick Because we on now ♪

♪ Tell the president To suck a dick Because we on now ♪

♪ We on now, we on now ♪

♪ Tell the one percent To suck a dick Because we on now ♪

♪ Tell the president To suck a dick Because we on now ♪

♪ Tell the government To suck a dick Because we on now ♪

♪ We on now, we on now ♪

♪ We on now ♪

♪ We on now, we on now ♪

♪ We on now ♪

♪ We on now, we on now ♪

♪ Gas, brake 'n' dip, The cash came, I flipped ♪

♪ And stacked that, Yeah, I stacked that Past the ceiling ♪

♪ So sacrilegious Don't ask to chat ♪

♪ And don't ask for pictures Bagbak, I'm trippin' ♪

♪ Bagbak, better back, back You don't know me ♪

♪ Better bagbak, better back Back, you don't know me ♪

♪ Better bagbak, better Back, back, you don't know me ♪

♪ Bagbak, better back, back You don't know me, homey ♪

♪ Boy, I'm buoyant, We are floating On them peons ♪

♪ Go in till they take My bro'nem out them CDCRs ♪

♪ Prison system broken Racial war commotion ♪

♪ Until the president get ashy Vincent won't be votin' ♪

♪ We need Tamikas and Shaniquas In that Oval Office ♪

♪ Obama ain't enough for me We only getting started ♪

♪ The next Bill Gates Can be on Section Eight ♪

♪ Up in the projects So till they love My dark skin ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm goin' all in ♪

♪ Gas, brake 'n' dip The cash came, I flipped ♪

♪ And stacked that Yeah, I stacked that Past the ceiling ♪

♪ So sacrilegious Don't ask to chat ♪

♪ And don't ask for pictures Bagbak, I'm trippin' ♪

♪ Bagbak, better back, back You don't know me ♪

♪ Better bagbak, better back Back, you don't know me ♪

♪ Better bagbak, better Back, back, you don't know me ♪

♪ Bagbak, better back, back You don't know me, homey ♪

♪ They found it ♪

♪ Depth close to 3,230 feet A deep dive ♪

♪ Clap your hands If the police ever profiled ♪

♪ You ain't got to worry Don't be scary 'Cause we on now ♪

♪ Ain't no gentrifying us We finna buy the whole town ♪

♪ Tell the one percent To suck a dick Because we on now ♪

♪ We on now, we on now ♪

♪ Tell the one percent To suck a dick Because we on now ♪

♪ Tell the government To suck a dick Because we on now ♪

♪ Tell the president To suck a dick Because we on now ♪

♪ We on now, we on now ♪

♪ Tell the one percent To suck a dick Because we on now ♪

♪ Tell the president To suck a dick Because we on now ♪

♪ Tell the government To suck a dick Because we on now ♪

♪ We on now, we on now ♪

♪ We on now ♪

♪ We on now, we on now ♪

♪ We on now ♪

♪ We on now, we on now ♪

DJ Beatroot...!

Youse are all fucking mental.