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'And so, my fellow Americans'

'allow me in closing, to emphasize once again'

'that the aims and purposes of this administration'

'are the aims and purposes of all our citizens.'

'Men, women and children'

'regardless of sex'

'regardless of color.'

'Black, white, red, yellow'

'and all of the equally attractive shades in between.'

'Let us remember always that we can'

'and will accomplish these goals'

'because our purpose and our resolve'

'are derived from an unshakable belief'

from a benevolent power

worshipped by all of us under many names.

And through whose all-seeing omnipotence

I shall humbly say goodnight.

Ladies and gentlemen

this has been a nationwide address

by President Manfred Link coming to you directly

from the Oval Office.

For a printed transcript of tonight's speech

please send 25 cents

and a stamp self-addressed envelope

to "Mr. President, White House, Washington DC."

We are back in our Washington studio.

We've just heard President Link's

State of the Union address

and here with me

to lend us his personal observations

on the President's speech

is Senator William "Wild Bill" Hubley.

Welcome, senator.

Thank you, Howard.

Senator Hubley, what is your perception

of how the President's speech will be received by Congress?

Well, Howard, I dowant to study the President's remarks a bit

before I try and second guess my colleagues on the hill

but, but I think I can safely say

that it's a "good news, bad news" situation.

And what is the good news, senator?

Well, the good news is that the President is quite obviously

in firm control of a number of tricky situations

both on the national and the international scene.

'And what's the bad news?'

Well, frankly speaking, in terms of implementing

any of the programs that he's outlined

I think and and I mean this is no disrespect

toward our fine citizens of oriental extraction

uh, that the President hasn't got a Chinaman's chance.

Of course, we have to point out

that you do represent the opposition party.

Oh, yes, but the loyal opposition.

I am not in agreement, for instance

with my great good friend Senator Bailor.

Yes, I believe he referred to President Link

as a "depraved halfwit."

Yes, he did and I-I think

that could be called overreacting.

The President is nota depraved halfwit.

- 'He is not, you say?' - Oh, certainly not.

Of course, that's the kind of exaggeration we can expect

in an election year but halfwit, no.

Depraved, I seriously doubt it.

'It has been suggested that the members of your party'

'have been doing everything they can'

'to see that the president's problems'

'are never re-provoked.'

Who is it?

'You and your congressman'

'have been using every possible means at your disposal..'

Bye. It was nice meeting you.

'Is that fair?'

'Well, Howard, I don't know what you mean by fair'

'but you have to remember'

'a number of hard facts about politics.'

'Not the least among them being that we are spending'

'a great deal of money to win an election'

'and-and people get really upset if they give you a lot of money'

'and then lose.'

'That I think is..'

'And of course the president has to face the fact'

that he's dealing with the Congress

in which his party is in the minority.

Uh, but, senator, the Congress will have to face the fact

that President Link was elected to office

by a slim but definite majority.

Uh, yes, but that victory must be weighed against the fact

that his opponents, the presidential

and vice-presidential candidates of my party

were killed in that tragic automobile accident

three days before the election.

And it must be remembered that nearly 30 million Americans

actually voted for the two corpses.

Hi, Fred, what time you get off?

'Now, tell me this, did she still have her pants on?'

'Yes, Mr. President.'

- Where were her hands? - 'That was hard to tell, sir.'

'The room was very dark.'

I see.

That's for the senator from Iowa.

Oh, Mr. President, would you save me a pen, please?

Okay, I-I would say her hands

were in a relatively uncompromising attitude, sir.

I see. Oh, let's make this one the senator from Connecticut.

Mr. President?

A pen?

How exactly did she get away?

'We lost her in the crowd, sir, at the Kennedy Center.'

'That was just after the Annual Oldies but Goodies concert.'

Okay, no more Oldies but Goodies.

No more concerts at all.

That's for the senator from Texas.

Sir, the vice president would like a pen.

If you can't do your job, I'll find someone who can

and you'll be back patrolling the toilets

in the State department, is that clear?

- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir, Mr. President.

Alright, now, get out of here and go-go protect someone

or whatever it is you do.

- Yes, Mr. President. - Absolutely, Mr. President.

- I never get a pen. - Just hold on, please.

- I just-- - Look..

This one is just like it. Take it.

'Alright, this, this is the last one.'

'Who's, who's left?'

Who didn't get the souvenir pen

with the gold embossed presidential seal?

Mr. President?

Oh, the senator from Rhode Island?

Come on. Come on.

Well, alright, if you don't care what I think

then you should at least have some consideration

for your father.

Now, he has this whole country to run, dear

and it is a very tough, very demanding job

and he needs our help.

Don't you see, dear, that the commander-in-chief

of the greatest armed force in the entire free world

cannot have the people saying that his daughter

is a nymphomaniac.

For God's sake, mom, how can you say

I'm a nymphomaniac when I've never even done it?

It's not what you've done that counts, dear.

It is what people think you've done.

Yeah, well, I-I've never even been alone with a boy

for more than ten minutes.

I remember back when dad was mayor, you said--

Now, you were just a child then and it was only for a year--

Right, and then he went into Congress

and I had to wait for two years after that.

- You were a teenager-- - Then he gets into the Senate.

And then it's six more years--

The senator's family

must be above and beyond reproach.

Now he's been president for four years

and I haven't even had a real date.

That's right, dear, because someone like yourself

must set an example.

Mom, I am 28 years old.

And that is right.

That is right, dear

and in just a few years

a few years from today

after your father has served out his second term

if God and the people

are sensible enough to see that he is reelected

then we can go back home and lead a normal life, dear

and how, but, however

until then, we must act in accordance

with our station.

Now, you want the respect and admiration

of the people, don't you?

- Yeah. - Yes, of course you do.

But not as much as I wanna do it. Just once.

Just see what it feels like.

Gloria, don't talk like that, dear.

It does not suit you.

- Mom. - Yes?

- Tell me something. - Yes?

Do, uh, you and dad still, um..

...you know, do it?

We do, we..

...we do it

now and then.

We do it

when our busy schedule permits.

I hate this.

I hate my life.

I wish we were like normal people.

I wish dad were a street car conductor or something.

Well, of course you do.

Millions and millions of people do, dear.

But he's not, and we have to be happy with that.

We have to be happy with what we got.

Now, however, what about that nice young man

who came to dinner last week with his parents?

'What was his na.. He was the son of the secretary'

'of something or other..'

He looks like a turnip.

He looks like a turnip, dear.

That's right, because his mother looks like a turnip.

But looks are not everything, dear.

He seems like a very intelligent boy.

He's a fairy.

He is a fairy, dear, well, t-that's because

his father's a fairy, but that does not mean

that you cannot have a very nice relationship...with him.

- Mom, mom. - What?

That's not the kind of relationship I want.

- Then what? - I wanna be like real people.

- And what is it? - I mean..

I just wanna put on old comfortable clothes and stuff

and, and drive a nice sports car down to the beach.

- A sports car? - And run along the sand.

And maybe meet a nice, tall, average blonde guy.

- Yes. - Or maybe three or four.

And lie down on a blanket

and they, like, rip my clothes off and start grabbing at me

everywhere, and I moan and scream dirty words

and then I'm carried off into a..

...pitch of ecstasy

and, and then we start performing every kind of

bizarre, physical act, rolling over and over

until we're smothered, and I'm just trapped

in hot, male flesh, and then I burst..

Even if you have to interrupt a debate

just tell the ambassador that the delegation

from Upper Gorm has arrived.

He wants to get to them before the Chinese.

Agreed.

As a position that it will be recognized by a majority

of the distinguished members

as one of sensible if adamant support

for the conclusions already submitted

in the inter-committee report.

And may I suggest that, uh, we end the apparent monotony

of the discussion by bringing the issue to a vote?

May I suggest further

that if the distinguished representative

has concluded his absolutely fascinating display

of bodily eruptions

he apply his apparently limited powers of concentration

to the...subject in hand?

May I suggest that..

Uh, the distinguished member

of the, uh, United States delegation..

...is, uh, is not fit to suck on my hat.

I'm sorry?

Ah, it's an old Arabic saying.

Please inform my distinguished colleague

that such epithets are better reserved

for the savages he so obviously represents.

Uh, considering the, uh, amount of oil

exported by my country to his country..

'...the, uh, American ambassador'

like his government, knows what section of my, uh

savage anatomy...he may kiss.

Kiss?

Poopie.

Thank you.

You can tell my distinguished colleague that he can meet me

in the parking lot whenever he chooses

even if he is wearing a dress.

Hmm.

Well?

I'd rather not say, sir.

What do you mean, you "Rather not say?"

'Well, Mr. Ambassador, to be perfectly frank'

it was about your mother, sir.

My mother?

What about my mother?

Well, sir, he, uh, suggests that your mother

maintained a close

intimate relationship.

Relationship?

Yes, sir. With a camel.

'And after the camel killed itself in shame'

'your mother apparently took on the..'

Sir! Sir, not here.

Don't stop me!

I'm alright.

I am able to forgive this lack of basic civility

because I am a gentleman and a Christian.

A Unitarian, in fact.

I'll return to the August Chambers

when the distinguished representative

is prepared to apologize for his inane remarks.

If such a concept exists

within the framework of his alleged culture.

Cute. Cute.

'Move directly across the hall into the China Room'

'where you'll be able to see a display of tableware'

'used by various White House families.'

'Of course, that was Army Chief-of-Staff'

'Randall Dumpston.'

'Now, please, don't touch any of these'

'invaluable items of historical significance'

'and kindly refrain from sitting on the antique chairs'

'or walking on the premises..'

Uh, good morning, general.

Please inform Mr. Feebleman I'm here.

Yes, sir. Uh, General Dumpston is here to, uh..

'General. Excuse me. Just a minute. If I..'

- Good morning, general. - ...to you, Quincy.

Huh.

What the hell happened at United Nations this mornin'?

I assume you're talking about Ambassador Spender's

failure to get a favorable vote

in the Natural Resources council?

Yeah, Ambassador Spender

that Harvard-educated dimwit.

He had a firm majority of one vote.

He blew it because he lost control

of a maniac wearin' a bed sheet.

That vote is not conclusive.

It can brought up again in the general council

when and if Ambassador Spender feels--

What the hell is that?

Uh, that is rope made out of sheets knotted together.

I can see that, Feebleman.

- Barbara. - 'Yes, sir?'

Please inform security that Gloria is taking

another shot at the wall.

'Right away, sir.'

Now, as I was saying, general

I assume you know that the ambassador

from the newly emergent nation of Upper Gorm

presented his credentials to the secretary general today.

- Are you cognizant to the fact? - I'm cognant.

- Upper Gorm is the key. - To what?

See if you can follow me, general.

You like to, uh, fly your planes, and sail your boats.

- Ships. - Ships. I'm sorry.

And operate your wonderful new sophisticated weapon systems.

Well, in order to do that

you need the following raw material.

Titanium, manganese, tungsten

beryllium, zinc and cobalt.

- Are you listening, general? - Yeah, zinc, cobalt. Go on.

In order to procure these items

produced primarily in those African nations

the names of which no one can seem to remember

the president has put forward his well-publicized

"Share and share alike" program.

'They send us the above mentioned material'

we, in turn, provide them with liberal amounts of rayon

Coca Cola syrup, musical instruments

TV repair manuals

costume jewelry

and many many other very nice things.

'Terrific.'

'But that program went down the tube'

'with the vote this morning.'

'Here's the point.'

The ambassador is arriving here this afternoon

by special presidential invitation.

So?

According to the UN protocol, the ambassador takes a seat

on the Natural Resources Council

the Arab moves up to the committee

on international monetary cooperation.

'Just keep goin'.'

We have our swing vote.

Now, what's to keep him from throwin' in

with the rest of his buddies and giving us

the well-known African shaft?

We are going to roll out the red carpet.

The President himself is going out to the airport

to meet him and his group

and then bring them all back here.

They're staying here? At the White House?

That's right. After a brief tour of lovely downtown Washington.

Trust me, Randy, we know what we're doing.

We've got it all worked out.

Alright.

I'll go along with you on this one.

We would appreciate that. We really would.

Incidentally, what are you gonna be wearing tonight?

What the hell are you talking about now?

There'll be a gala affair here at the White House tonight

in honor of Ambassador Longo.

The ambassador requested a costume party.

I'll be damned if I'll wear a costume.

The theme of the evening is American holidays.

'Titanium, general.'

Manganese and tungsten.

Think tungsten.

Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

No, you..

It arrives at 4:27.

- What does? - The plane, Mr. President.

The plane with Ambassador Longo inside of it.

Thanks.

No. No.

Will you be wanting Press Secretary Bunthorne

to handle this evening's affair

in any special way with the press?

Yes.

Well, where is he?

- Who, sir? - Press Secretary Bunthorne.

Um..

- Right here, sir. - Good.

Um, try to handle this, uh..

situation in the usual way, Bunny.

Can I leak something?

- Yes. - Can I confirm something?

- Yes. - Can I deny something?

Yes, yes, yes. Just, uh..

Try to make it look like we're glad to have a lot of-lot of

black people in the-in the White House.

Like we're, um..

Comfortable?

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yes. Yes. Thank you.

Thank you.

She, uh, she forgot her camera.

'Thank you.'

'Thank you.'

Are, uh, are you two going, uh

going with me to the airport?

No, sir.

'Does the commander have to go with me to the airport?'

You know he does, sir.

He has the code, sir.

'Thank you.'

- 'Thank you.' - She's coming.

- Whoa! Look out. - Oh.

'Thank you.'

She's alright. She's alright.

Washington.

Washington?

'Yes.'

I'm sorry?

Say, pachu-man-chika.

"Chu-jo, pachu-ju, pachu-lab, chu-man..

Here we are, pachu-man-chika.

"A complex term leading to the appeasement

"of the Gormese divinity Chi

"the deity responsible for the safety of travelers

in the form of human sacrifice."

Sacrifice?

Mr. Ambassador, I..

It is, uh, it is so good of you to, uh, to visit us

here in Washington on such short notice.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is Mrs. Link.

For you.

May I have peas instead of beans?

Yes.

I, uh, I trust, your President Kalundra

is in good health.

Thank you. I'd rather walk to school in the morning.

Uh-huh.

Well, uh..

We're-we're actually like you to say a few words

to the-to the greeting party.

Thank you.

My gums are swollen.

My--

Just, just a second.

What the hell is this?

They threw one out of the plane.

What in the hell is he talking about?

Pachu-man-chika,sir. Pachu-man-chika.

What in the hell are you talking about?

He must've landed around here somewhere.

Spender, I'm asking you a question.

The bath water is too hot in January.

What in the Christ's name is he babbling about?

Oh, well, he seems to have learned a little English

he knows from a phrase book.

He doesn't make any sense, Spender.

Yes, sir, he seems to have memorized phrases

somewhat arbitrarily.

What about the others?

Hello. Hello.

Do, uh, any of them speak English?

No, sir.

What you're telling me is what we have here

is a bunch of very important visitors

with whom we must communicate

on some very vital matters of international interest.

And we are stuck after we say, "Hello."

Is that about the size of it?

I don't it's quite that severe a problem, sir.

You don't.

Ambassador Longo.

Up your ass.

That sweater is too expensive.

You don't consider that severe?

- Manfred, what is this-- - Go away.

Yes, sir. Yes.

How did you get them this far?

One hundred handy Upper Gormese phrases.

Who compiled this?

We're trying to track him down now, sir.

We believe he's somewhere in Washington working

in computer research.

- Get him. - Yes, sir.

Oh, this, uh..

This is a beautiful box.

No, dear.

Oh.

Well, this, this is very nice.

It's a-it's a rock.

It's a very nice rock.

How's-how's that?

Uh-huh.

Well, uh, okay.

I-I would like you to, um..

...to ride, ride

'with me to the White..'

White, White, uh, House.

It's being handled, sir.

The church be open until precisely 12:00 midnight.

'Yes. Yes indeed.'

Is this your first visit to Washington, Mr. Ambassador?

It is forbidden to piss against the wind.

I am very happy to hear that.

Oh.

'Goodnight.'

- 'Goodnight, Dr. Grade.' - Goodnight.

Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.

Goodnight, Dr. Grade.

Goodnight.

- Goodnight, Alexander. - Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Uh, goodnight. Goodnight.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

'Dr. Alexander Grade, your country needs you.'

Ah. Oh, I'm so..

Look alive, young man.

This is it.

Sir, what is, sir?

You are about to meet

the president of the United States.

Mr. President?

No pictures. No pictures. Hey, hey.

No pictures. Alright, boys. There's no TV tonight.

Turn 'em off, boys. Turn 'em off.

Okay, I've got some material for you, yes.

Tell me, uh..

Why was this morning's press briefing canceled?

Okay, let me be perfectly frank with you on that one.

This morning's briefing was not canceled

it was simply not held.

What is he talking about?

Now, there'll be no inside coverage of tonight's banquet.

But guest lists and menus will be disseminated.

- Hey, give me one there. - Oh, give me two.

And there's a special surprise.

We're going to give you out here

a few minutes with Ambassador Longo.

And I think you should be real appreciative of this one.

And President Link himself.

Ladies and gentleman of the press, it is my privilege

to present the ambassador to the United Nations

from the lovely Island Republic

of Upper Gorm.

Oh..

May I?

"Ah-uh, greetings.

"Greetings to the American people

"from the president of my country.

"The honorable Mazai, Mazai Kalundra.

"It is to the eternal honor of the people of the Upper Gorm

"to join with her new friend

the United States in affairs of, uh--

- "Mutual advantage." - Yes.

"Uh, uh, which will be discussed when her great leader

"President Link and his family will visit

our country next week."

What?

"We give our assurances that all amenities will be

"accorded to your great leader and-and, uh, his lovely family.

'"And we solemnly give our promise'

no to eat them."

What?

Hawa-tunee.

Hawa-tunee.

Ah! Oh.

Oh. A joke.

The ambassador was making a hawa-tunee.

Um, a joke.

And-and a-a very amusing hawa-tunee.

Uh, the hawa-tunee.

Uh, did that have to do with the "Eat them" part?

That was a hawa-tunee,sir. Yes.

Hmm. And how about the going to Gorm part?

That was not a hawa-tunee,sir.

Spender..

Uh, ask the ambassador if he'd care to sample

one of our fine domestic wines.

Sir, sir, the ambassador says

that he would be pleased if you in turn

would like a taste of the traditional

Upper Gormese national drink.

And an excellent gesture

of mutual inter-ethnic appreciation.

Chapelle Chardonnay '76.

Hmm, donkey blood.

Um, and cow urine, August.

Is the president in there?

Yes, sir.

What's he doing?

Sir, this is the bathroom.

I am aware of that fact.

This is an emergency. What's he doing in there?

- 'Sir!' - Is it la-la or chi-chi?

We don't know, sir.

Then find out.

- Mr. President. - 'What is it?'

Sorry to bother you, sir.

Ambassador Spender wants to know whether you're making..

"La-la" or "chi-chi."

'Spender.'

Mr. President, we have a problem.

Yes, sir.

'Sir, I think we should assemble'

'the National Security Council immediately.'

- 'In here?' - 'Not in here, of course.'

Gentlemen, a situation has arisen concerning Upper Gorm.

And Dr. Grade, oh, Dr. Grade, before we begin

I'd like to introduce you to the council members.

Uh, Special Presidential Assistant, Feebleman.

- My pleasure, doctor. - How do you do, sir?

Press Secretary, Bunthorne.

Oh, I think we've met.

We just met. Good to see you again, doc.

It's good to see you, sir.

Attorney General, Spot.

How do you do, sir?

Willie O'Malley, the director of the CIA

and I might add, a grand honor.

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, fine, sir.

How is it going with you, Willie?

- And Vice President, Shockley. - Of course.

- How do you do? - How do you do, sir?

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

- Alexander Grade. - Grade, yes.

Grade is right.

Secretary of Defense, Springfield.

Good to have you aboard, son.

Sir, how are you?

And over here, we have Secretary of State, Reigle.

- Of course. - Do you speak English?

- Yes, I do. - So I'd love you.

And Military Chief of staff, General Dumpston.

Sir.

And of course, you already know the chief.

Yes, yes, indeed.

This is such a thrill to me.

Please, I-I, this is the--

Gentlemen, please, please sit down.

Oh, oh. I..

Gentlemen, I'll try to make this as simple as possible.

As you know, we desperately need

the Upper Gormese vote in the United Nations.

Ambassador Spender assures me, we have that vote.

This evening however, Ambassador Longo

announced to the press that his country was expecting

a formal visit from me, your president

and my lovely family, next week.

He did this without consultation

and without warning.

Do you get the picture?

It's totally unacceptable.

We're talking Pearl Harbor.

Absolutely shocking.

We don't have to take that kind of crap from anyone.

Now, I would like to point out that we are moving

into an election situation.

We can't afford to have you out of the country.

- Yes. Very good. - True.

I have to add one or two more pieces of information.

This afternoon..

...Ambassador Longo..

...gave me this.

Hmm.

Looks like a rock.

Dr. Grade, do you have any information on this?

Oh, yes, well, sir, according to Ambassador Longo

the junk was extracted at random from Jucama.

- Jucama? - Oh, yes, sir.

Jucama is the name of the mountain

'which comprises a large part of their island'

'and which is actively volcanic in nature.'

And, uh, it's sacred.

- 'It's scared?' - Yes, sir.

They...well, they worship it.

That rock has an extremely high uranium content.

Uranium?

- That's right. Uranium 238. - 238?

What about the aerial photographs, Spender?

Yes, sir. Well, the Air Force just brought them in.

So the analysis has been necessarily hasty.

Now, if you'll look at your copies, you'll see

that certain sections have been circled.

Those sections are hot-spots.

Hot-spots?

Is there an echo in here?

Echo?

Go on, Spender.

Well, these areas are giving off some kind of energy.

Now, air intelligence suspects that these large, spherical

and curving tunnel-shaped forms are the top

of some sort of underground structure

suggestive of a massive power complex.

And I'm really sure what that means, but..

You mean, these Gormese people have..

Say it, general.

...nuclear capacity?

We wish we knew.

Well, sir.

Do you wanna know what I think?

'Does anyone want to know what a vice president thinks?'

'Those are the facts, gentlemen.'

In light of this new information

and with firm beliefs that any compromise on our part

would demonstrate great moral weakness

how many of you feel that I, your president

should even consider giving into

this case of appalling international blackmail?

It's not my fault I'm the vice president.

I didn't pick me. He did.

God knows, I was perfectly happy in Congress.

I was on a lot of swell committees

and I got the vote on a lot of things.

And-and I answered quorum..

and I took part in the biggest.. Gee, I had fun.

You are trying to tell us that you've never thought about

being president now, are you, Will?

Not even a little?

Not even a teeny-weeny bit?

Are you kidding?

President?

Presidents don't have any fun.

I mean, gee, they're always getting shot at

or-or impeached

or reviled.

Ooh, it's terrible.

Then why didn't you refuse the nomination?

I didn't want people to think I was a sissy.

Here are the new messages that the president recorded

last night for emergency broadcast

in case of enemy action during his absence.

This is Signal Yellow.

My fellow Americans we're about to undergo an enemy assault.

We have approximately one hour to activate our military

and civil defense procedures.

Good luck to all of you.

This is Signal Orange.

This is your president speaking.

Aerial bombardment is eminent.

Do the best you can and may God be with you.

What about Signal Red?

We're not entirely happy with that one yet.

It's a tricky message to deliver considering that it will proceed

a nuclear missile attack by only 20 or 30 seconds.

Oh, let's hear of what you've got so far.

Th-th-that's all folks.

Too frivolous?

Mr. President, beloved members of the first family

ladies and gentlemen, honored guests.

I'm Father Reggie Sandstone, okay?

First pastor of the first church of the rude awakening

over in Louis, Virginia.

I mean, look at them.

'Our beloved first family.'

Beautiful human beings, every last one of them

are going to get into that machine up there

and they are going to trust in something.

'I don't care what you call it.'

'God or Buddha'

'or the light force or just good old karma.'

Something that keep them from falling out of the sky

and smashing into the ground in a pile of twisted metal

and mango blends.

And you know what I call that?

I call that, guts and love in equal parts.

You know it.

And I look at them as I'm looking at them

'right now and I say to myself'

"Hey, baby, that's one first family

that really got it's shit together."

So it can't hurt for us to lay a few good vibes on them.

To let them have their own real space to be in for all of us.

For all of us here.

Black, white, gay, straight

carnivores, vegetarians, whatever.

Because they're doing it for us.

For all of us here in this greatest

grandest and grooviest of nations where every man or woman

is free to form a tax exempt, non-profit corporation

and trade the revealed word of the creator for the material

benefits of American life..

That's excellent. That's 24.

Can I get you something?

Can I get you anything?

Excuse me, sir, your coffee.

Thank you.

Anyway, we better try that word again, sir.

That word.

- Chara jojo. - No, no. Chara jojo.

The accent is on the final syllable.

Chara jojo.

What the hell is the difference?

Sir, "chara jojo" means "thank you."

And "chara jojo" means, roughly..

...bite the tree.

Grade, I'm never gonna get the hang of this language.

I flunked Spanish in high school.

And my God, even Mexicans know how to speak Spanish.

'That's true, sir.'

Oh, and of course, in Gormese

they don't make any distinction

at all between a noun and a verb.

For instance, their word for snake can indicate

a past snake, a present snake

or a future snake depending on

the juxtaposition of diphthongs..

...within the word itself.

Let me tell you something.

I have too much to remember now.

I've to think about Gorm's national product.

I've to think about foreign price supports.

I've to think about military appropriations

the cost of indexes.

And future snakes?

It's-it's-it's too much.

Oh, I know, sir. You have too much to worry about.

And I think it would be a good idea if you got some sleep.

Can't sleep.

'Sir?'

Dreams.

Dreams.

Are you bothered by dreams, sir?

Listen to this, kid.

When I was your age..

...I used to have all these big dreams.

I go to sleep and..

...hit a home run with three men on..

...discover boxes of rubies..

'...low down Nazi troops..'

...bang movie stars.

Once I protected a blind newspaper boy

from six giant hoods.

Just my quick fists and my bare wits.

Those were the nights.

'Those are really fine dreams, sir.'

Not anymore.

You wanna know what do I dream now?

What, sir?

I dream..

...in the White House dining room..

...when I sit down..

...and there's a bowl of soup.

Clear soup.

Bouillon or something.

And I pick up my soup spoon..

...and I eat my clear soup.

Yes, sir.

That's it.

I eat it.

I don't burn my tongue horribly.

They don't find a dead spider with legs, like my sister

floating in the bottom of the bowl.

No witch doesn't come through the wall

and scares the crap out of me.

I just, I eat my bowl of clear soup..

...and I wake up.

What do you think it means?

I don't know, sir.

You've ever heard of a dream

that doesn't mean anything?

No, sir. I don't think so.

Where are the dreams of yesteryear?

I just don't know, sir.

'Good morning. This is your captain speaking.'

'We're on our final approach'

'to Upper Gorm's international airport'

'which consists I'm sorry to say'

'of a large clay hut and a short dirt runway.'

'The landing maybe a little bit bumpy'

'but according to our State Department'

'information manual'

'you'll soon be enjoying Upper Gorm's'

'natural scenic splendor'

'carefree island beauty'

'and hearty native cuisine.'

Which one of them is the head boogie man?

I am the head boogie man.

Which one of you is the chief turkey?

One of the things that I have always regretted

is that we do not see more

uh, black people in the White House.

I mean, we, we, we see them

but we do not...see them.

If you know what I mean, but the one's that we do see

are so..

Uh, they are so well-mannered.

They are pleasant and, and they're so appreciative.

And when they get dressed up

my, my, they look so, so nice.

I hope Mr. President that you are not too bored

with our modest attempt at entertainment.

No, no, I've, uh, I've always been interested

in, in, native, uh...things.

Hmm, if there are any questions..

I was, I was wondering, uh, h-how you learned

to-to speak English so good.

Uh, so, so well.

My father, the late dictator

of our beloved island

who saw the time when it would become necessary

to establish some contact with the outside world.

He sent me across the great water to study.

Great...the great water?

Hmm, yes.

All the way to the University of Miami.

It was there I learned your language.

- Great seat of learning. - Yes.

Better be something big.

Yes.

What better be big?

This deal, whatever it is you're talking about.

We better go back with something dramatic.

Something...big?

Yeah. Yeah.

Let us come now, right to the point

of your visit, Mr. President.

Fine.

Uh, you want our vote in the United Nations.

Yes?

Well, but, uh, it would certainly be helpful.

Mhm, and why do you remain somewhat in the dark

so to speak about, uh, what it is that we want.

Go on.

We have a healthy, hard working population.

We are ancient in noble religious traditions.

Strong economy, splendid climate.

In fact, we have all the requirements

of a superstate but one.

And what is that?

Well, can't you guess what it is?

No.

A repressed minority.

What?

We are prepared to purchase

from you at a reasonable price

several hundred, middle class White Americans.

Of various religions, ages and, uh, occupations.

As you might, uh, say in your country

a mixed bag of honkeys.

Uh, we would see to it that they were comfortably settled here.

And then subject them to their proper amount

of division and contempt

and deny them certain basic rights.

And in general..

...give them the dirty end of the stick.

What do you say?

Uh, t-this is an utterly incredible proposition.

Oh, ho, ho, I can't imagine that you would miss

a few hundred average American families.

I'm sure you would think of something

to tell your constituency.

I can't even imagine what I..

...what I would tell my, my own lovely family?

Oh, please, Mr. President

let us not be too hypocritical.

Your lovely family consists primarily

of a wife who drinks too much

and a daughter who..

My daughter happens to be a virgin.

Are you seriously trying to tell me

that your daughter has never..

Absolutely never.

Goodnight, Mr. President.

Goodnight, Mr. President.

Do as I say.

There is, there is nothing.

Absolutely..

Gloria, I really don't think

you should just wander off like this.

Don't you ever, wish you could just throw off all your clothes

and run on all fours, through the woods

with nothing but your hot, hot blood rushing

through all your arteries?

Well, n-not on all fours.

- Alexander.. - Yes, Gloria.

Look in my eyes, what do you see?

Well..

You see a woman.

The woman's needs and a woman's dreams

and all the rest of that stuff, don't you?

Yes, I do.

You see a deeply feeling human being

looking for fulfillment.

And there's that, too.

So why don't we just sort of cease the moment

if you know what I mean?

- Gloria.. - Alone in the jungle.

In the moonlight and pounding drums

and all that junk, you know.

- Yeah, but-- - Naked and not ashamed.

Gloria..

Okay.

Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go over to that tree

and I'm gonna wait until you collect yourself

and put your shoes back on.

'And then I'm gonna take you to your family.'

And we're gonna forget that this ever happened.

Are there no men left on this Earth!

Gloria!

Please, Dr. Grade, control yourself.

Miss Link has been chosen for a greater destiny than anything

she or you could've dreamed.

She is to become the bride of Jucamba.

Jucamba is ready.

'Gloria. Gloria.'

'What can we do to erase this hideous'

this, oh, this nightmare?

Oh, my.. Oh, my baby.

Look at you.

My dear, Mr. President, if there is any way

we can make up for this inconvenience.

In...Inconvenience?

You, you used my daughter for some kind of depraved ritual

and, and you call it an inconvenience?

Oh, but you must try to understand.

This is not just some fly by night ceremony.

This is the big time. Like your rosebush.

Why in God's name didn't you use one of your virgins?

Well, frankly, we've almost run out.

And, uh, between you and me..

...he's never had a foreigner.

He was overcome with delight.

Overcome!

Thanks to Miss Link, we look forward

to an extremely prosperous year.

Do you actually think

that there can be some connection bet-between this

this grotesque practice

and in a, in a smoothly functioning economy?

Well, look at it this way.

In your country, you raise

and lower the prime lending rate.

In my country, we sacrifice a virgin.

This is the 20th century.

Yes. And it still works.

I-I can't believe my ears.

Well ,then my dear, Mr. President

perhaps you can believe your eyes.

Are you interested in fertilizer?

Ours is the best in the world.

It is, as you might say, super-fertilizer.

It is incredibly rich in potassium

phosphorus and sulphur.

It is with great pleasure

that I present The Nobel Prize

for chemistry and peace.

'Good evening, tonight's Washington reports'

'deals with President Link's diplomatic mission'

'to Upper Gorm.'

'Since his return, some ten days ago'

'the president has held himself in virtual seclusion.'

'Spending almost all of his time by himself in the Oval Office.'

'Working on next Sunday's schedule'

'to address to the nation.'

'Pausing only for a few hours sleep, a light meal'

and now and then, according to Press Secretary Bunthorne

an uncontrollable giggle.

'Chief's executive journey to that small island'

'off the coast of Africa, have been rebuffed'

'by both White House staff members'

'and presidential entities.'

'Of all the assumption that can safely be made'

'and some sort of understanding'

'has been reached between the two governments.'

Shh! Listen.

It is assumed that the president will deliver his speech

from this remote military base in Minnesota

for sentimental reasons.

Since it is within a few miles of the farm

'on which he was born.'

'What is less explicable is the..'

With him over there in that Godforsaken place.

Don't you have any idea what this is about?

He won't talk to us.

Oh, he does his smile knowingly.

Like this..

- Oh, it scares me. - When he smiles like that?

No, when you smile like that, I hate it.

Maybe he's having a nervous breakdown.

Of course he's having a nervous breakdown.

All presidents have nervous breakdowns.

That's why they all look like that.

Um, can't the CIA do anything?

They certainly don't want to do anything illegal.

- Ahem. - Oh, Bill.

If we could only get a look at that treaty..

It would do absolutely no good.

It's written entirely in Gormese.

Shh, wait a minute.

Meanwhile, special crews from the department

of agriculture are working around the clock

'under direct orders from the White House.'

'In an apparent effort to beautify the nation's capital'

'in time for the upcoming election. Here at the..'

The government's falling apart

he's got them planting flowers, for God's sakes.

What's he doin'?

Well, I asked him about that.

- What did he say? - Please don't do that.

'And although the subject, the chief executive's speech..'

Shh! Shh! Listen!

'...secrecy, it will include'

'according to our White House sources'

one of the most dramatic announcements

to come out of the government since last year

when Supreme Court Justice Benjamin Barstow

President Link's only High Court appointee

'revealed that he had undergone a sex change operation'

'at the Doppelmayr clinic.'

'Taken the first name of Beatrice'

'and given up his widely publicized hobby'

'of mountain climbing for macrame.'

Which the nation's first semi-female Supreme Court..

Gentlemen, let us not forget

that whatever happens out there on that field on Sunday

the eyes of the country will be upon us.

Our party is at stake. Our government, our nation.

Even more important..

Our jobs.

That, sir?

Is that Mr. Longo?

Take over.

'My fellow Americans..'

...in my inaugural address to you

almost four long high, work filled years ago

I made a solemn promise.

That promise was that I would commit

every ounce of my time and energy

to gain for our country

the biggest and the best of everything.

'My administration is yet to bear the burden'

'the past decade was shrinking resources.'

Shrinking supplies of energy.

Shrinking productivity.

Shrinking..

...shrink...shrank..

...shrunk.

'I was a, uh, boy..'

Ah, here it is. Here is the treaty.

Start translating, Dr. Grade.

Oh, sir, I don't think--

We're not asking you to think

we're asking you to translate.

And I, I walked to school

across the, the very ground

on which we stand now.

And I, I had a dog

and he, he walked along with me to school.

But he, but he died.

He was a saint, that dog.

And he..

He went to doggy heaven.

'And I miss him.'

Well, what?

- I miss him very much. - You're really getting to me.

But because I was, uh, a little boy

l-like all little boys and-and all

little girls, too, I guess

everything seemed so big.

Buildings were big.

And furniture..

...silver dollars..

...and this cigar my dad used to smoke.

And clouds..

...and, and women's breasts were big.

Breasts?

Why is he talking about breasts, for Pete's sake?

Sir, we're giving them people.

- I'm sorry. W-What do you say? - 1500 people.

'And then, and then I grew up.'

'And every, everything seemed to shrink.'

'Almost before your eyes.'

'till everything was s-so small and'

'so tiny.'

But not anymore, my fellow Americans.

Not with this.

This, this treaty

signed and executed by me, your president..

Oh, hold it, sir.

"They have given us

20,000 gallons.."

Gallons?

...in tailing a minimum

of sacrifice on your part..

...on, on part of your parts

in exchange for the contents

of this tank..

Gallons of what?

'This tank..'

Shit.

'...beneath which I sold thousand acres..'

Shit!

Shit!

...will give us back our business.

I see vast fields..

...and in, in those fields

I see sweet peas

as big as beach balls.

I see, I see kidney beans

as big as armchairs.

Stalks of celery

like telephone poles.

'Giant purple figs like domes of Muslim temple'

and, and potatoes

as, as large as Volkswagens.

- President, I.. - Mr. President.

Please, stop him. Stop him!

I can see a cantaloupe

'that will not only feed a family of four for a year'

'but house them as well!'

'Rhubarb taller than pine trees.'

Because I can see all--

Dad!

My hand..

Oh.

'This special secret session of the Supreme Court'

'in private chambers is now in order.'

Please be seated.

Justice Barstow.

Beatrice.

Beatrice?

Hat.

Hat.

You may proceed, Mr. Ambassador.

'Well, thank you very much. Ahem.'

Mr. Chief Justice.

Mr. Justices.

Madam Justice.

What we are seeking here is the advice of the court

on the possibility of some sort of remedy

for this extremely painful situation.

'Well, Mr. Spender'

I'm sure you are familiar

with the provisions in the constitution

for removal of the president from office.

Well, uh, not in any great detail, sir.

You see, by profession I am a history teacher.

A professor?

No, uh, an associate professor.

Well, Mr. Feebleman

being a lawyer, perhaps you have some opinion?

Uh, Mr. Chief Justice

uh, I'm afraid that the bulk of my legal experience

has been in insurance law.

Uh, traffic accidents, things like that.

I have, uh, worked mainly with ambulance drivers--

I, I see. I see. Thank you.

'What about you, Mr.Bunthorne?'

I was in public relations, sir, for the fuss.

For what?

For the, um..

...funhouse, sir

in Coney Island.

I see. Thank you.

I would like to address the particulars of this treaty

with the Upper Gormese.

Oh, yes, sir.

A treaty drawn up without the advice

and, or consent of the senate, I believe.

Yes, sir, but I for one

knew absolutely nothing about it.

I had no idea what was in that treaty.

I would've advised against it if anybody had asked me.

'Gentlemen, the point is'

that if the American people ever find out about this treaty--

Uh, fortunately, sir, they don't have to.

'What do you mean, Mr. Spender?'

Well, you see, the television transmission

concluded when the platform was...accidently demolished

before the details of the treaty could be revealed.

You see, actually, all that people know

was that there was a mishap of some sort--

Uh, you mean, as far as

everybody outside this room is concerned

Mr. Link and his family might be..

Yes, sir.

- You agree? - Yeah.

'Mr. President'

it is the decision of this body

that in order to save this nation

'from the embarrassment of a long and painful impeachment'

'and in the interest of preserving'

'the good name of your office'

and of protecting all of us

from the scorn and derision of the outside world

'we now...pronounce you..'

'...dead.'

Would you raise your right hand?

Would you raise your right hand?

You may lower your left hand.

Please repeat after me.

- I, William Shockley. - I..

I hope we get away with this.

Do faithfully swear..

To uphold the office of the president of the United States

Ahem, do faithfully swear to uphold the office

ahem, of president of t-the..

I, uh...oh..

No, no..

Do faithfully swear..

Do faithfully swear..

...to uphold the office..

...to uphold the office..

...of the president of the United States..

- Presi, pres.. - President.

President of the United States..

I, uh..

I..

'Oh, my gosh.'

There's no.. There's no pulse.

'And so once again, within the space of a few days'

'the nation mourns another fallen leader.'

'Struck down according to White House physicians'

by a fatal heart attack brought on

by the burdens of his high office.

Political experts agree that the late President Shockley

will receive high marks for his command of the ship of state

even though he was at its helm for little more than

five or six seconds.

'And now with the November general elections'

'almost upon us, the heads of the late president's party'

'must begin a frantic search for a new candidate.'

'In other news from Washington'

groups of local citizens and tourists alike

are gathering at the site of what can only be described

as some kind of agricultural miracle.

'Special investigators from Food and Drug Administration'

'are at a total loss to explain the sudden appearance'

'at this and other monuments'

'a bizarre, organic, possibly edible forms'

'some of them, according to one eye witness'

'resembling potatoes as large as small foreign cars.'

'People have been gathering all day'

'at all these monuments and other sites around Washington..'

Excuse me, please.

'This is...base standing by for security report'

'on the perimeter, over.'

Yeah, this is Gunderson on lookout three.

'I've got a clear all on all four compass points, over.'

'You betcha.'

I can see a Nobel Prize in your future, sir.

Mr. President, Mr. President.

I can predict an overwhelming majority at the polls.

Manny, we've already opened negotiations

with the Upper Gormese for an exclusive trade agreement.

I want a lot more vacations.

- Yes, sir! - Naturally, sir!

- Aah! - Uh-oh.

I, I want to remodel the White House.

I, I wanna make it more homey.

Why not.

I wanna put a statue in the Rose Garden.

A lovely idea.

- A really big statue. - 'Gloria.'

- With a real big-- - Gloria!

And...of course, we'll need..

...virgins.

Virgins, sir?

Approximately one a year.

For the sacrifice.

- Yes. - We'll have a national contest.

Yes!

Wait a minute.

They think I'm dead.

Yes.

Yes.

'How, h-how do we..?'

- Yes! - Aah!

This will be the greatest sales pitch

in the history of American political campaigns.

Once, every 2000 years or so

a man of vision

a man who can work miracles

returns to lead his people.

You don't really think that

that a-anyone would

would believe that?

Welcome back, Mr. President!