All language subtitles for Directors.Cut.2016.WEBRip.x264-ION10

HERBERT: Hello. I'm Herbert Blount.

B-L-O-U-N-T.

Welcome to my director's commentary

of my director's cut of Knocked Off.

You're watching my director's cut, not this other guy's.

And my director's cut stars Missi Pyle.

She is the greatest movie star that has ever lived.

It was my honor to work with her.

I realized right away

she was the greatest actress of our time

when I first saw her in Galaxy Quest.

But, she's fantastic in all the other

119 movies she's starred in too.

Now my friend, Sam?

He says that this cut of the movie you're about to see

is a fan edit, but that term doesn't apply here.

I'm not a fan. I'm...I'm a director.

And in my director's cut,

I'm gonna share everything.

I'll show you what I did,

and I'll tell you how I did it.

These days, you don't need to waste money

on film school anymore.

The greatest filmmakers of our time

have been sharing all their secrets with their

director's cuts, special features, and commentaries.

And I've seen every single one of them.

And now that I'm a filmmaker,

it's my duty to pass this knowledge on to you,

the next generation.

It's called paying it forward.

Another guy started this movie,

but I felt I had to take it over.

I obtained all the footage,

and took charge of the edit of this movie myself

to create my ultimate director's cut.

some deleted scenes that should never have been deleted,

and some previously unseen behind-the-scenes footage.

This version is way better than the theatrical cut

that came out a few years ago.

[scoffs] No wonder it bombed!

This movie was crowdfunded,

and I started out as one of the crowdfunders.

For those of you who don't know what crowdfunding is,

it's where filmmakers go directly to the fans online

to fund their movie.

You know, like Kickstarter.

Some crowdfunders contributed a smaller amount of money,

and they got a t-shirt.

Some people contributed larger amounts of money,

and got things like a screen
credit, or even a line
in the movie.

I bought the "Executive Producer" credit package.

See? Blount.

B-L-O-U-N-T.

God bless crowdfunding.

Even though there were all these other crowdfunders

who bought executive producer credits,

I was the only one on set all 32 days of the shooting.

I take filmmaking very seriously.

It's my calling.

As you can see by all these names,

film's a collaborative medium.

But at the end of the day, there's only one director.

I spent a lot of time fixing this movie.

That's why I'm the director.

This is my movie now.

Close your eyes for a moment and think about that.

Close your eyes riiiiight now.

Okay. Open your eyes.

My director's cut is starting.

[police sirens wailing]

HERBERT: We all remember the long, single Steadicam shot

in Orson Welles' classic Touch of Evil, or Birdman.

[gate buzzes opens]
Get that down.

HERBERT: I have one, too. Mine has a prostitute.

Do you even know who I am, huh?

I just fucked the mayor
last week, okay?

-Yeah, yeah.
-This should not be allowed!

-We got a wild hooker over here.
-I'm almost an American citizen!

[chains clanking]

HERBERT: She's not a real prostitute.

I asked her, and she got a little mad.

She's actually one of our crowdfunders.

She paid to be in this movie.

Back in the old days of Hollywood,

if you wanted to be an actor,

you'd have to enroll in acting school,

and go on lots of auditions, and get lucky.

But nowadays, all you have to do is PayPal $500

to a crowdfunding site.

Poof! You're an actor!

Most of these cops, they're crowdfunders too.

They bought the Be A Cop package.

Fucking pig!

And my policy is, I don't take
shit from assholes like you.

HERBERT: See this guy? He's not a crowdfunder.

This is Harry Hamlin.

He's only in movies because his wife is on a reality show.

His character is Godfrey, who is often called God.

He's a police detective who doesn't play by the rules.

He doesn't take guff from anyone.

Real police take guff from everyone.

They really do.

But, God doesn't take guff from The Man.

Which is creative, because real police are The Man.

Can I just say one thing? Yeah.

[sarcastically chuckles,
then shouts] Fuck you!

[phone slams down]

I'm a big fan of the--

HERBERT: That's his partner, Reed, right there.

They tryin' to repossess your
piece of shit car again?

No, it's the fucking
satellite TV people.

That fucker telling me to
watch my language?

If it weren't for swearing
there wouldn't be any cable TV,
right?

Right. We were okay with the
county gambling away our
pensions

but when it comes to talking
politely to the few people
remaining

still making less than us?
Forget it.

Yeah. Fuckin' assholes.

HERBERT: Keep your eye on that clock on the wall.

It's 8:05, right?

Wait a minute.

HERBERT: Watch this. Keep watchin'.

Wh-What was that about gambling
away our pensions?

HERBERT: And see? Now it's 8:25!

Forget it, Godfrey.

You're right; she's an asshole.

HERBERT: It's the fault of the continuity person.

There are mistakes just as bad

in Hitchcock and Spielberg movies.

Maybe we all had the same continuity person.

What the fuck?!

Didn't I fire you guys?!

Well, last week, but we didn't
think you really meant it.

So, we've still been showing up
for work.

Yeah.

HERBERT: Usually, the police captain in movies

is an exasperated African-American man.

But, we went with the lady from Insidious.

Reed...God.

Into my office.

We just found these in an empty
apartment.

The neighbors called because
they couldn't stand the stink.

Whoa, must have been some
serious funk.

The name is Albert,
and the blood on the paddle

won't match the blood of the
victims.

GODFREY: Oh, cool.

How the fuck do you know that?

Probably 'cause Reed is our
perp.

This is an Albert Fish
crime scene.

Albert Fish was the real life
Hannibal Lector, but worse.

Went to the electric chair with
a raging hard-on in the 1930s.

HERBERT: The idea is that the Knocked Off killer

meticulously re-creates crime scenes of the past.

But, is this supposed to be a flashback

to the real Albert Fish crime scene?

Or the killer's re-creation of it?

It's stupid either way.

And if this is the re-creation,

why would that girl be happily sittin' there half-naked

with all those dead bodies around?

Makes no sense!

Forced his children to
beat his ass

with a paddle with nails in it.

Then, he gutted his kids
and ate 'em.

HERBERT: And that's just not
true at all.

He didn't gut his own kids and eat them.

He gutted other people's kids and ate them.

In movies, when you change the facts

to suit what's convenient for the plot,

it's called taking artistic license.

But, it's just a fancy way of sayin' lying.

[thwack!]
[man yelps]

[thwack! thwack!]

[thwack! thwack!]

HERBERT: I would buy this if she were being forced

to paddle him with nails.

But why is she smiling?

There's only so much you can fix in the editing room.

Fuck!

Our shithead is back.

It's another knockoff.

He's mimicked Bundy, Dahmer,
Lucas, and now Fish.

Was there any old fashioned
stuff at the scene?

WHEELER: Yeah.

WHEELER: There was a pair
of antique glasses.

HERBERT: You can see her breathe.

Since when do dead people breathe?

Oh, man. What psycho is he
gonna knockoff next?

Nobody!

You two are gonna arrest him,

and you're gonna lock him up
forever.

I don't know if we can catch
this guy.

He seems pretty fuckin' smart.

WHEELER:
Alright, alright, alright.

I got some help lined up for
you in the parking lot.

-Take this. Get outta here.
-Help? What do you mean?

-Go on!
HERBERT:Oh boy. Here she comes.

These pictures are perfect.
They're fucking perfect.

Perfect historic crime scene
reenactments.

HERBERT: This is the scene where we get to see Missi.

This is a tough case, and they are stymied.

But, Missi Pyle is gonna solve it for them.

This is not passionate.
This is careful.

-It's really careful.
-We'll catch 'em.

The good guys have to win.

Unless you're dealin' with
a cable company asshole.

HERBERT: Here comes Missi's entrance.

Uh-oh...Don't look now.

But, there's a great piece of
ass walkin' right towards us,

which I don't think is a good
thing.

HERBERT: That is rude and uncalled for.

Let's talk about great movie film entrances.

The shadow of Indy Jones.

George C. Scott in front of the big flag in Patton.

And now, Missi Pyle in my movie.

This is one of the great movie entrances of all time.

Ooh! Watch this part!

[tape rewinding sound]

This is my favorite shot in the movie.

I slowed it down so it could breathe a little longer.

Yeah. Look at that.

[whispering] Wow.

[film speeding back up] vrrrret

Detectives Winter and Taylor?
Agent Mabel Hendricks.

I've been loaned to you
by the FBI.

I'm a forensics shrink.

I've been studying
the Knocked Off case,

and I'm here to see if I can
give you any help.

HERBERT: She's really cold and professional in this scene.

But, she won't be like that the whole movie.

She can be very vulnerable.

You'll see her being vulnerable later.

Let's go catch a bad guy.

Well, I guess you got
all the info.

So, we'll just see ya
at the scene?

Can't I get a ride over there
with you two?

No.

HERBERT: Ah, the little smoking man is threatened.

We do our best thinking
in the car.

It's where we talk.

Then that's where I need to be.

HERBERT: I would think, even though they're gay,

they would still be able to do their job

with a woman around, right?

HERBERT: This is called an establishing shot,

and it establishes where the car is before they go in.

[police sirens in distance]

[walkie-talkies chattering]

MABEL: Whoa, that smell.

REED: It's Godfrey;
you'll get used to it.

You better get used to it.

It's death.

Death is our bread and butter.

Well Mabel, you went to college.

Who did it and where can we
find 'em?

HERBERT: It's true. She went to Oxford School of Drama.

I say we knock on some doors.

[knocking on door]

Police! Open up!

[door unlocks and creaks open]

The murder site is next door.

You follow the yellow tape
and the brown shoes.

HERBERT: That's Gilbert Gottfried.

He was in Problem Child 2.

-Jesus Christ!
-Ugh!

What is that smell?

It's incense; it's all I got.

I can't stand that dead guy
stink.

HERBERT: Here comes the reason we all watch director's cuts:

to see important collector's outtakes

that were left out of the movie

because of big corporate decisions.

You're about to see a shot

that has never been seen by anyone, ever,

but was part of my original vision.

We're gonna have to come inside,

and see what you got left
around.

You got a warrant?

HERBERT: Here we go.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: And, action!

HERBERT: There! That's my shot.

You can tell it wasn't in the corporate release

because it has what's called timecode.

Timecode is numbers flashing at the bottom of the screen

to tell the editor not to put it in the movie.

You didn't kill anyone,

and we don't care about
your pot and love dolls.

We're lookin' for
a really bad guy.

You can trust us.
Look at her face.

HERBERT: Her face really is perfectly symmetrical.

[cough]

HERBERT: This is a rookie mistake.

Even if you haven't done anything wrong,

never let a cop in without a warrant!

And if you have done something you might think is wrong,

then really don't let them in.

You know, unless it's Missi.

REED: Nice place.

I think I saw it profiled once
in Better Homes and Weirdos.

So, uh...

All the checks and everything

were written in the name
of Albert Fish?

And his occupation was
house painter, right?

HERBERT: This writer just read Wikipedia.

Well, house painter,
dangerous serial killer.

I forget which one.

Uh-huh. So, how'd he move his
furniture in?

It was one of these

starving student moving
companies

that had a big Jewish star
on the side.

HERBERT: Here's a big problem I had to fix in this movie.

Why isn't Missi in any of these shots?

ADAM: She's coming through and
is listening to what they're
saying.

Being suspicious of him.

HERBERT: In my version, [smacks lips] problem solved!

I just used one of the many shots of Missi they didn't use.

What were they thinking?

Are you ever gonna yell, "Cut"?

Or, do you want me to read
the whole thing?

[industrial rock music playing]

HERBERT: This isn't just the strip club scene

from every cop movie.

It juxtaposes the purity of Missi

in a crass and dirty world.

DJ: C'mon!
How 'bout a nice applause?

[lackluster applause]
DJ: And just remember:
No kissing, no touching, n--

HERBERT: I don't know who this actor is,

but they say he's been in a lot of movies.

Now coming to the stage, Mariah!

REED: I'm sorry, Mabel.
Are we making you feel
uncomfortable?

I mean, you told us just to
carry on as usual.

This is where we come to think.

HERBERT: In case you're wondering why

Godfrey's always sucking on that vaporizer pen,

it's a result of what's called product placement.

Like in Castaway.

The charactor of Wilson was product placement.

REED: Ramirez? Gacy? Who's next?

Berkowitz? Son of Sam is very
important in this culture.

Yeah, but he wasn't artistic.

He was just a crazy guy killing
people.

[speech slowed, pitch lowered]
Crazy guy killing people.

[even slower and lower]
Crazy guy killing people.

HERBERT: Watch. She's in
character all the time.

What the other two guys are saying in this scene

doesn't even matter.

This scene is about watching Missi think.

And she's thinkin' that even though she's wearing pants

she has a much more beautiful behind

than that woman who is trying so hard

to get us all to look at her.

[camera turns on] bleep!

[footsteps]

HERBERT: Missi walks alone.

[traffic sounds]

Before she has to meet Reed and Godfrey in the next scene,

she needs a little private time to think about the case.

There was no crew around or anything.

This was just me and Missi.

A director and his star makin' magic.

[sinister horror-style music playing]

HERBERT: Now that Missi's had some alone time,

she joins her idiot cop partners here

at this phony moving and storage company.

MOVING COMPANY CLERK:
I can give ya everything I have.

There's no mover/client
privilege as far as I know.

HERBERT: Fancy schmancy mirror shot. Not needed!

Just tell the story, and tell it well.

So, it might be under
Albert Fish?

HERBERT: I kept this scene in for this guy.

He was in Total Recall.

[typing]

Right, six weeks ago.
Albert Fish.

136 Brewster Street.

Could we have a copy

of all the records you have
for Albert Fish, please?

HERBERT: They remade Total Recall in 2012,

but I always say,

you should only change a movie if you can make it better.

[paper shuffling] CLERK: Wait a minute.

This is a check from another
name.

Charles Whitman.

That's not a very Jewish name.

No, that's a very Texas name.

HERBERT: This whole scene was kind of a waste

of that Total Recall guy.

[church bell ringing]

HERBERT: Birds chirping, church bells, a nice day.

Everyone pretending to be walking someplace.

Watch this!

When a guy is walking that fakey in a movie,

you know something really bad is about to happen.

[church bell ringing]

[horror music intensifies]

HERBERT: Three...two...one...

[gunshot] Bang!

HERBERT: See?!

HERBERT: This is supposed to be one of the Knocked Off killer's

meticulously re-created crime scenes.

[gunshot] Bang!

This one is of Charles Whitman.

They cast a different actor to play the killer

in each crime scene re-creation

which is really confusing. [people screaming]

Is this supposed to be the real Charles Whitman in a flashback?

Or, is this supposed to be the killer dressed as Charles Whitman?

They should've never shown the killer's face

until the very end.

This is really amateur.

[gunshot] bang! [woman yelps]

HERBERT: Watch this.

This is the only redeeming part of this whole scene.

It establishes a major character.

And they cut it out!

ADAM: Tell him not to look in
the camera.

-[insane screaming] Waaaah!
-ADAM: Keep running!

ADAM: Herbie!
Don't look at the camera!

HERBERT: Notice in the center of the screen?

That tall, athletic fellow?

HERBERT: He's gonna be really important later in the movie.

HERBERT: Hello.

[elevator dings]

[heavy breathing]

[keycard beeps] be-be-beep!

HERBERT: [under breath] Okay.

[heavy breathing] Ohh.

[takes in room scent] Ohh. Haha!

[under breath] Wow.

[door slams]

[heavy breathing continues]

HERBERT: There was a very famous acting book writer

named Stanislavski

who wrote that we must know what every character has

in her dresser drawers.

In this behind-the-scenes footage,

you see me, the director,

giving you a visual tour of Missi's private room,

and all the things she touches.

HERBERT: [under breath] Oh.

[inhales deeply] Oh, man.

I can-- [breathing heavily]

I can grab that.
She won't notice.

HERBERT: I put some little tiny cameras up all over the room,

so I could shoot some more traditional scenes later

that Missi won't even know are being shot.

She can act in my movie without even knowing she's acting.

That's how good a team we are.

We work together great.

[camera loudly falls]

[quietly] This is very intimate.

This is exciting filmmaking.

HERBERT: Now that we've learned all that about her character,

and what she wears, we have a better sense of what she's feeling

when she comes back to her hotel room

after a hard day of police things.

One of the things I love

about John Carpenter and Clint Eastwood,

is that they do their own musical scores.

I also write my own scores.

Well, today we did that
strip club scene.

Yeah, it was like this snappy
cop dialogue,

and then just tits everywhere.
[chuckling]

Like, everywhere I look
there were a bunch of tits.

HERBERT: Here she is giving her full report

to her FBI supervisor.

Why don't you tell me about
your day.

Get me out of this crazy
crowdfunded cop--

[phone ringing]

HOTEL CLERK: Thank you for
calling the Andaz Hotel.

How may I direct your call?

HERBERT: Hello. Missi Pyle's
room, please. Room 322.

HOTEL CLERK: My pleasure to
connect you.

HERBERT: She's about to get a very important phone call

about the Knocked Off case.

Will you tell her I said hi?

[phone ringing]

Oh, you know what?
That's the hotel phone.

Adam wrote some rewrites
and, I want to have them--

HERBERT: When you're a police officer working on a case,

you can't just count on a private evening.

Okay. I love you more.
[phone ringing]

HERBERT: That's just code. She doesn't mean it that way.

Hello?

HERBERT: There's been a
horrible shooting!

Better get to the university
tower pronto!

MISSY: Who the fuck is this?!

She's shocked that the Knocked Off killer has struck again.

Don't you fucking call here
again, okay? I will call the
fucking cop--

[police sirens]

HERBERT: Sometimes, great directing can be

just knowing when to use slow-mo.

[police walkie chatter]

REED: August 1, 1966.

Not much of a tower, huh?

GODFREY: What?

Charles Whitman:
Texas tower sniper.

Poor bastard couldn't find his
perfect tower.

Whitman's tower was 27 floors
up, right?

Yeah, I guess something like
that.

Much more than this and
a clock tower.

It's hard to find a tower in LA.

Yeah, I'm from Texas.

I know Charles Whitman.

MABEL: When Charles was
shooting in Texas in 1966,

some good ol' boys pulled out
their guns and fired back.

That didn't happen in
California.

These are all unarmed victims.

You know, um, I gotta take
a piss.

HERBERT: If he really had to pee,

all the stars had fancy mobile homes with private bathrooms.

We crowdfunders had to use these tiny porta-potties,

which were really uncomfortable especially for a big guy like me.

Don't look up at the tower
too much, alright?

[gun cocks]

[click - no gunfire]

[gun cocks]

HERBERT: Most police people would get everyone safe

and find their own cover.

But, movie tough guys like to do everything themselves.

[gun cocks]

You don't ever catch Tom Cruise doin' things the smart way.

GODFREY: Don't fucking move
a fucking inch.

You have the right to
remain silent.

HERBERT: That's called an in-joke.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Action!

HERBERT: This is one of the new scenes I shot myself

exclusively for my director's cut.

ADAM: And... Action!

HERBERT: In it, I pull back the curtain on how movies are made.

I'm combining the special features right into the movie.

ADAM: [yelling] Cut!

That was awful.

I got an idea.

HERBERT: Here, Missi approaches this guy

when he was still trying to direct Knocked Off

before I had to take over.

He's just a bossy little guy.

And that girl is putting suntan lotion on him.

What kind of sissy, wannabe director is that?

-What time d'ya need to be out ?
-Is there any way--

-Is there any way we can swap i?
-HERBERT: Excuse me, Miss Pyle?

I need to be out of here
by 6PM like at the latest.

You need to be outta here
by 6PM?

-HERBERT:Missi? Missi?
-I mean, maybe 6:30.

HERBERT: I-I bought the reward
to have dinner with you.

We don't get the cars until 5PM.

-HERBERT: Uh, Miss Pyle?
-Excuse me. I'm sorry.

-Can you just--?
-HERBERT: I was told I was
allowed to film here.

It's okay.
Actually, he's a crowdfunder.

And he's paid for the privlege
to be able

to videotape the whole
experience.

Thank you very much.
Just give us--

[sinister, creepy music]

MABEL: Let me go in there.
He might open up to a woman.

REED: She might be right.

She's the one with all the
fancy shrink credentials.

Well, that's good thinking.

No, that's real good thinking.

Except, I'm gonna go in there.

I caught him. I get the fun.

[door unlocks and opens]

[door slams shut]

Charles Joseph Whitman
was born, when?

Early 1940s? Yeah, '41, I think.

About as early as you can get
in the 1940s

without it being 1940.
[takes deep breath]

He added the name Joseph
himself at his confirmation.

He wa-- He was, he was an altar
boy and a marine.

If he hadn't gone fucking wacky
and killed all those people,

he could have easily been alive
and unknown today.

Just like the rest of us
nobodies.

Hmm. Ya know, I'm pretty okay
being nobody.

HERBERT: We all know it's too early in the movie

for this to be the real bad guy.

This isn't his movie.

We know whose movie this is.

SUSPECT: Listen guys,

I'm what you real cops call
a leather sniffer.

I listen to the police band and
I like to go to crime scenes.

HERBERT: This guy gives me the willies.

Is that why you killed
all those people?

[heavy sigh]

I was afraid this was gonna
happen.

[deep breath]
I'm getting aroused.

HERBERT: Creepy.

The idea of being brutalized
by cops turns me on.

You know, the funny thing is,
I'm not gay.

Not at all.

I'm a successful breeder.

But, this attention and danger
really turn me on.

[shouting] Oh no! You sick fuck!

Tell us what you did!

You'll feel a lot better
when you do.

I'm sorry, but, I didn't hurt
anyone.

-Oh, yeah?
-Sorry I'm wasting your time.

I know I didn't do the crimes,

and I should prove that to you
as quickly as possible,

so you can get back to work.

I love this room.

I love the smell.

I love the tension.

I love...feeling guilty.

I love the coffee on your
breath.

Feel how hard I am.

-[shouting] You fucking psycho!
-Oh god!

-Stop fucking around and spill!
-God dammit!

[loudly moaning] Ohh!
Even beyond my wildest dreams.

I am sooo gonna spill.

Maybe right here.

I can't wait to get home to the
wife. Ohh!

You motherfucking piece of shit!

[loudly moaning] Ohh!

Aw, shit!

Too late to save it for the
wife. [cackles]

Aww, you fucker!

HERBERT: Yech!

GODFREY: Hold me the fuck back!

GODFREY: Fuck! Look at this
fucking freak-o!

REED: It sucks! That sucks!

-REED: God!
-GODFREY: Let me at that fucker!

REED: Not just yet.

REED: God dammit,
it's fucking disgusting!

GODFREY: Who the fuck does he
think he is?

HERBERT: See? Told you he wasn't the killer.

This is his only scene in the movie.

GODFREY: Well, at least he's
not pressing charges.

Yeeeeah...

And, he didn't even want you to
pay his dry cleaning bill.

He did seem like our guy.

Maybe he was Godfrey's guy,
but he wasn't ours!

I lost it. I-I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah. You lost it alright.

I saw the video.

-He did it! Fuck!
-Godfrey! Godfrey!

HERBERT: They're not really supposed

to hit you when you're in custody.

They shouldn't hit you, but they do.

I'm gonna give you
a few weeks off.

-Without pay!
-What?

WHEELER: Get the fuck out of
my office. Now!

All-Alright, alright.
I'm leaving, I'm leaving.

And don't get a drink before
you get home, you asshole!

Alright. You two are
partners now.

HERBERT: She has the authority to command a federal agent

to partner with a local police detective?

I guess, in this movie world,

she's the first female President of the United States.

We'll do our best.

Come on.

[police sirens wailing]

HERBERT: Too bad you can't see it,

but I'm wearing a fantastic Boba Fett costume,

so Missi won't recognize me from the set.

I did this on purpose so she wouldn't know it was me

and give a little more spontaneous performance.

Little director tricks you pick up along the way.

HERBERT: Ms. Pyle? Ms. Pyle?

I'm a really big fan.

I work for a little
science fiction blog.

Can I--
Can I ask you a question?

Actually, I'm just really tired.

Would you mind tweeting it
to me? Thank you.

HERBERT: Do you think the police

can always solve crimes
by themselves?

Or do they sometimes need help
from an outside source?

Someone outside of the police?

Listen, I just memorize what
they write.

We're just selling popcorn,
right?

HERBERT: We improvised all that dialogue.

HERBERT: I love you.

[slow, sensual music playing]

HERBERT: I hate this scene,

but I left it in because I wanted you to see

how good of an actor Missi really is.

She's acting as though she likes Godfrey.

I'm sorry you'll be gone
for two weeks.

GODFREY: You gonna miss me?

I'll miss you working the case.

You're a good cop.

But, I'll also miss you.

HERBERT: Whoa, that just came outta nowhere!

You know, Reed said you'd
get used to the way I smell.

I got very used to it.

I even like your stupid vaping.
Nerd Bogart.

HERBERT: She was told to say that. This is the writer.

This isn't her. This is all scripted.

-And, you're sexy.
-Really?

HERBERT: That's a movie line.

I've never heard a woman really say that.

[door unlocks]
This is sexual harassment.

Lucky for you, we're not
working together anymore.

-Mmhmm. You gonna invite me in?
-Unless you can fuck me from out
in the hall.

HERBERT: They made her say all this.

The way you made that guy come
in his pants?

I've never done that without
a lot of denim burn.

At least not since middle
school.

You're the sex bomb. [laughing]

[laughing] Fuck you.

Where?

HERBERT: They forced her to do all of this.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

No. Not yet.

What?

Okay, that's covered.

Now let's work on how.
We can skip the why.

I want to see you naked first.

[coughs]

One...

Two...

Three.

Now I'm sure.

Check, please!

HERBERT: This was filmed on what's called a closed set.

Thats where the doors are locked,

and they can force actresses
to do things against their
will,

and no one can come in and save them.

If they would have let me into that room,

I would have put a stop to this nonsense.

But, in case you're worried, she held on to her dignity.

She's not naked.

She's wearing flesh colored tape right here.

And here.

Someone threw it away.

But, I saved it.

HERBERT: In the theatrical cut of this movie that y'all saw,

there were lots of scenes without Missi in 'em.

They were so boring that I'm fast forwarding through them.

Charlie Manson reenactment. Gone!

Jeffrey Dahmer plot twist? Gone!

When you make a movie,

every single every single thing has to move the plot ahead.

If it doesn't, cut it!

And, this next scene was not in the corporate release,

so this is a big bonus.

This was shot on location,

and it's Missi with her FBI supervisor.

This is the scene where she's told she needs a partner.

[falsetto; mimicking Missi] Listen, Chief.

You are my boss even though you're a woman.

We just haven't got the break in this case.

[loud slurp]

[falsetto; as Missi's friend] That's what I wanted

to talk to you about.

You're the best agent we have.

And you might have my big boss job someday

because you're so smart and pretty.

But, you have to stay away from the local cops.

[falsetto; mimicking Missi] Well, I don't like them.

I just do what I have to do.

I don't like them at all; especially not like that.

[loud slurp]

[falsetto; as Missi's friend] Of course; I know that.

But you're getting in too deep.

Local cops can't be trusted.

You need to find someone outside of LAPD.

Someone you can really trust.

[falsetto; mimicking Missi] I get it.

Someone smart, who cares about me. And the case.

But isn't these disgusting guys at LAPD.

Blech!

[falsetto; as Missi's friend] Exactly.

I knew you would understand.

Now keep working on the case.

But keep your distance from those LAPD guys, okay?

You're getting in way too deep!

[resumes normal voice] And...swish pan!

There's some really important plot points

coming up in this next scene.

So, I'm going to let you just listen and concentrate.

-Reed, we need to talk now.
-...check back with you.

HERBERT: [chip bag rattling]

Sure, what's up?
I'll call you back.

HERBERT: [chip bag rattling] [loud chewing and crunching]

Jeez, you look like you've seen
a ghost.

I may have just seen a bunch of
ghosts.

The blood work came in.

I have the lab results
from some of our scenes.

-Make my fucking day.
-Get this, the DNA--

HERBERT:[loudly chewing] N'yep! Listen! Listen!

--was Charles Whitman's.

HERBERT:[loudly chewing] I get wrapped up in the editing.

I didn't realize how hungry I was.

GODFREY: So, is this our perp?

The body looks like the perp,

but it was arranged like that
after.

It's another victim.

-What?!
-It's Charles Whitman's DNA.

-100% match.
-That's impossible.

It gets better. The DNA--

HERBERT: [opens soda, loudly drinks, clears throat]

--at the Dahmer site
was Jeffrey Dahmer's.

HERBERT:[mouth full] Some
people can't watch stuff
like this

when they're eatin', but it's just a movie.

-How can that be?
-I don't know. It just is.

Well, obviously he put it there.

But, did you find out how our
perp got a hold of the DNA?

I mean, that should be easy
to find, right?

But, the Albert Fish scene--

HERBERT: I wish we had popcorn,

but we only get potato chips here. [loudly munching]

It was Albert Fish DNA.

-I get it.
-No.

HERBERT: [mouth full] Pay attention. It's DNA.

-Whose was it?
-The report says Albert Fish.

-HERBERT: [mouth full] Yep.
-Right, like I guessed.

There is no DNA for Albert Fish!

Albert Fish was fried in 1936,

50 years before DNA profiling
was invented.

We can't know Fish's DNA
because it doesn't exist!

HERBERT: [mouth full] Albert Fish; there was no DNA.

Couldn't be. It was way back before there was DNA.

These lab reports are fake.

HERBERT: [loudly chewing] You can tell--

Whoever's doing this has
access to our DB.

HERBERT: She's figured it out! Watch this!

[whispering] It's someone
inside the station.

HERBERT: Missi's gonna figure it out. Pay attention!

WHEELER:[muffled] What the
hell's she looking at?

HERBERT: [slurps drink, then belches] Mmmm.

You know, Missi's like a bloodhound in this scene.

She can sniff out evil.

Check her out. Yeah.

Could it be him? [crunches chip]

[mouth full] Could be anybody; couldn't it, Missi?

Could be anybody.

Is it her? Someone in--

Someone in the station. You know?

HERBERT: [still chewing] Oh, man! She is beautiful.

Reed, we have to get this to
the lab for a saliva analysis.

No! Don't even!

It is not Godfrey.

[drawer slams shut]

Been my partner since I started
here.

Someone on our team is the
killer, Reed!

We have to check everyone.

HERBERT: [chip bag crumpling] [smacks hands together]

Even if there's a personal
connection.

Quit talkin' crazy.

HERBERT: Serious filmmakers sometimes forget:

you gotta just sit back and enjoy them once in a while.

-ADAM:Action!
-HAYES:Uh, alright. I dunno.

Do I go, "blah, blah, blah.
The lab samples came back"?

I don't understand how Reed
would know that.

Well, it's 'cause
it's make believe.

HERBERT: I like Missi better like this.

She's more relaxed,

and her body looks more natural in a robe.

Your motivation is to stay
out of my light.

I had a serious question.
I don't know how Reed would know

the line about Albert
right now in the story,

and Missi said just make
believe.

Alright, well, blah blah blah.
We'll figure that out.

What is he doing?

Um...oh.

H-Hey, man. Do you mind just
taking a step back?

Just a little step back. Thanks.

-HERBERT: I'm sorry. Sorry.
-Appreciate it.

That stuff that you saw them
arguing about?

-If you could erase that part--
-HERBERT: Oh. Yeah.

-That would be great.
-Hey, maybe you could give him -

Maybe he could be your DP?

Since you won't fucking ever
have him leave.

ADAM: He--It's alright.
-Do you wanna be the fucking DP?

HERBERT: Yeah, I could do that.

It's not alright!
We're fucking fighting here!

-I want that tape erased!
-ADAM: Go! I'll take care of it.

Give me the fucking tape.
I'm taking this fucking tape.

HERBERT: This is Missi...

just showing some of her emotional depth.

She's not really mad at all.

MISSI: --fucking ridiculous.
ADAM: He gave a lot of money.

MISSI: I don't give a shit
how much money he gave.

HERBERT: Chicago!

REED: Hey, thanks for meeting
me here.

What's with all the sneaking
around?

Why don't you just let
the world know?

You can't do shit without me.

We can.

Okay. So, what do you want?
I'm not on the case.

Exactly. I need you
to stay off the case.

HERBERT: One, two, three...oh.

One, two, three, four...ooh!

-Don't come back to work.
-What the fuck?

Mabel thinks the killer could
be on the inside.

What, a cop?! No way.

HERBERT: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

Just stay away.
It's your only hope.

HERBERT: Eight, nine, ten!!
He got 12 in one take.

HERBERT: A lot of these filler shots, like this one.

And this one, were shot by what's called a second unit.

That's a separate crew that shoots all the boring shots.

And, they're not really driving here.

This was shot on a green screen. Look!

What crime scene are we
going to next?

If it's nurses, it's gotta be
Albert DeSalvo

or Richard Speck, right?

HERBERT: Movie magic!

Well, Speck is nurses.
Speck was all about nurses.

And torture.
I think we'll see both.

Maybe I've seen too much
already.

HERBERT: Shooting on green screen

gives you maximum flexibility in post-production later.

[thunder claps and rain]

You can put anybody anywhere.

[pounding on door]

NURSE:Quit it.
We need to stop sneaking around.

It's not sneaking.
I am a doctor, you know.

Now, let me take a look at your
labium superius oris.

[car speeding by; horn blaring]

I come from a cop family.

My dad and brother, of course.

Even my sister was a cop,
'til she got married.

She married a perp.

Criminal.

[hospital machine beeping]
beep. beep. beep.

[scream]

[scream]

And, Godfrey comes from
a family of criminals, right?

Yeah, but cops is worse.

Criminals see the best in
people.

They have to know how to look
for the good,

so they can exploit it.

Cops see the bad,
and try to fix it.

Cops see the worst in everyone.

[shriek]

[thwack!]

It's better to be raised
by criminals.

[hospital machine beeps
continue faster and faster]

[scream]

[screaming] Oh no! Ahh!

Sorry I'm late ladies.

[thwack!]

[gasps, coughs]
Stop, motherfucker! Stop!

What?

[shrieking] You just stabbed me
for real!

-What?!
-Somebody get over here!

-ADAM: What? Cut!
-This motherfucker stabbed me!

ADAM: Cut, cut, cut!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

ADAM: Scott, pull the camera
out. Did you stab her?

HERBERT: I included this scene in the movie

to show you just how unprofessionally run this whole set was.

I had no choice but to take over this...

runaway production for Missi's safety.

[shrieking]
Is it really slashed?!

-No! No! No!
-No, no, it's okay.

-He didn't break the skin.
-He just punched you.

-He didn't break the skin.
-He hit you with the handle.

-It's okay.
-ADAM: Can I get a towel?

There's blood on my pants!

[whimpering]
Nobody's taking me serious.

-HERBERT:Hello, Missi.
-Jesus. Can you please--?

HERBERT:I bought the reward
dinner with you.

We just have to s-set that up
pretty much.

MISSI:Adam, I need to talk
to you now, please.

-ADAM:Hey. Yeah, alright.
-Please.

I'll see you in a minute. Okay.
Alright. Great.

I got blood all over my pants.

-ADAM: What's up?
-MISSI: Harry fucking Hamlin.

ADAM:What did he do?

He's supposed to be a
professional fucking actor.

He sticks his fucking tongue
all the way down my fucking

throat over and over again.
It's fucking bullshit.

I'm doing this show my fucking
bra, show my fucking panties.

I get it; I'm an actress.
That's in the script.

But, I'm not fucking gonna
fucking make out with some
fucking pencil dick.

HERBERT: She's right! See how gross he is?

I need you to fucking talk
to him!

Yes, I will talk to him.

But, I can't really afford to
piss anybody off on this
budget, you know?

I'm mailing t-shirts to
crowdfunders myself.

How many fucking times--?

Are you the fucking director of
this movie or--

HERBERT: Not anymore, he's not!

She's crying out for help and all he's worried about are t-shirts.

-This is a fucking shit show.
-His manager--

If he doesn't get off set
right now,

I swear to god I will walk off!

I don't know. You shouldn't be
mailing t-shirts, okay?

Thank you. You'll..
Y-Y-You're gonna do great.

-Oh, do ya wanna get--
-Oh? Oh, gross!

-Is it bad?
-Ew! Oh my god.

-I was kidding.
-Yeah, yeah.

-Unless you want to.
-HERBERT: Excuse me, Miss Pyle?

-I'll see if--
-Oh god. I don't believe this.

-Ow! Dude!
-HERBERT: Yeah, S-Sorry.

MISSI: This is the biggest,
low budget piece of shit--

-Dude, where are you going?
-HERBERT: Sorry.

ADAM: Hey. Hey! You're not
supposed to be back there.

ADAM: [calling out]
Derek! Get that guy!

You can't be back here.

Derek, can you fucking take him
back?

DEREK: Gotta go this way, sir.

HERBERT: [breathing heavily]

HERBERT: [whispering] I felt at this point in the movie,

Missi should have a dream sequence.

[mystical sci-fi music playing]

HERBERT: I created the whole thing

using different parts from the rest of the movie,

and from a computer program called After Effects.

It enables you to do your own movie quality special effects.

All us directors use it.

[voice reverberating]
Let's go catch a bad guy.

HERBERT: I use symbolism to go deep into her subconscious mind

to show you what she really thinks of her coworkers.

[horns inflating like balloons]

HERBERT: I'm showing here how much she hates Godfrey.

[voice reverberating]
There's a great piece of ass

walking right towards us.

[a train whistles, then a whip cracks]

HERBERT: She's sick of that unprofessional, disgusting,

chauvinistic, booze soaked tongue rapist.

[voice reverberating]
He shoved his fucking tongue

all the way down my
fucking throat.

[loud kiss]

Sh-sh-sh-shoved his fucking...

[speech slowed, pitch lowered]
t-tongue all the way down my...

[speech slower, pitch lower]
fucking throat.

[normal speed and pitch]
all the way down my fucking
throat.

[voice reverberating] Don't you
fucking call here again.

[yelling] Fuck you!

[phone slamming down repeatedly, then explosion]

HERBERT: And Reed? [honk honk!]

He's just an arrogant clown.

[voice reverberating]
I come from a cop family.

Is it cop family,
or family of cops?

If I had more time to do it,

I wouldn't have to fucking keep
fucking up the whole thing.

HERBERT: The police just cannot be trusted.

[falsetto; as Missi's friend] Local cops can't be trusted.

[voice reverberating] Do you think the police can always solve crimes by themselves?

[falsetto; as Missi's friend] You need to find someone outside of LAPD.

[voice reverberating] Do they
sometimes need help from
outside sources?

[voice reverberating]
You're fired!

She has nowhere to turn. She's all alone.

[voice reverberating] Are we
making you feel uncomfortable?

Or is she?

This dream shows that Missi needs a hero.

And she needs him now!

HERBERT: [snoring]

[groggily] Hmm? H-Hello?

HERBERT: [whispering] Oops.
[grunting]

MISSI: Hello? Who's there?
Hello??

HERBERT: Following classic storytelling structure,

here's the scene where the white knight swoops in

and saves the damsel in distress.

HERBERT:
[tentatively] Miss Pyle?

What do you want?

HERBERT: He-Hey, Missi.

I-I have some, uh, i-ideas on
the case.

You know what? I'm kinda done
with you crowdfunding people.

You're not even supposed to be
here today.

HERBERT: I'm not, uh, I'm not
crowdfunding.

I-I-I didn't pay to be here.

I'm-I'm paid to be here.
I-I work here.

[takes deep breath] I-I work at
the-the snacks table.

Jenny does craft services.
Alright?

Now get the fuck out of here.
Okay?

HERBERT: Did he, uh...

Did he really stick his tongue
i-in your mouth?

What the fuck are you talking
about?

HERBERT:Hey, Missi, I-I love
you.

Um, look. I...I got a tattoo.

MISSI: [under breath]
What the fuck?

[shouting] Security!
Hey, Secur--

David! Can someone get
security, please?

Get this fucking guy out of
here!

He's got a fucking tattoo
of me on his fucking body.

It's fucking terrifying.

Jesus Christ!

HERBERT: Also true to classic storytelling,

she's making her hero prove his worthiness

before he can win the hand of the fair maiden.

HERBERT: Begone, Grendel of the guard!

I slay thee!

HERBERT: [singing "Charge"] Dumt-duh-duh-dah!

MISSI: What the fuck?! How the
fuck did you get in here?!

-HERBERT: Missi. Listen.
-You can't be in here!

-HERBERT: Listen, Missi. Listen.

Okay. Okay, listen. Listen.
I'm sorr--

I'm sorry t-that I called
security on you.

-You need to understand.
-Look, I know.

Listen. I m-I'm sorry that I
called security on you, okay?

But this is my dressing room.
You cannot be in here.

This is where I come to be
alone.

HERBERT: I understand.

I understand why you had me
thrown out.

[whispering, timid] Okay.

HERBERT: You did that because
you do not understand

what we are doing.

Okay. Why don't you make me
understand? I wanna understand.

Just tell me. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I was being such
a dick.

I-I just...we, you know--

HERBERT: We are making a movie.

Yeah, we're mak-- I know.
I understand that.

I understand that. Let's go
outside. Let's get Adam and--

HERBERT: No, no. No.
I wanna do--

-HERBERT: I wanna do it here!
-I'll put you in a scene.

-HERBERT: I wanna do it here.
-Okay.

HERBERT: Now, here's where you
come with me. You get to have--

-Okay, whatever you want to do.
-HERBERT:some of your alone
time.

-Now, you need to be quiet, you-
-No, no, no!

HERBERT: [shouting]
You need to be very quiet!

[rooster crow] cocka-doodle-do!

[Morning Mood by Edward Grieg playing]

HERBERT: This is one of my favorite shots in the movie.

It shows it's the next morning.

ADAM: That totally fucks me.
I'm totally fucked.

I'm standing out here with my
fucking pants

around my fucking ankles right
now.

Well, have you tried her agent?

Well, try her agent again.

Well, I don't know what I'm
gonna do because it's--

I guess I'm just gonna have to
rewrite the scene

to write her out of it.

HERBERT: No, you're the one who's out of it.

From now on, I'm the only one directing this.

Anyway, this is the day the most complicated shot

in the movie was achieved.

It's called a one-er.

That means the whole scene was done in just one shot.

This scene is of the James Huberty shooting massacre.

ACTOR: Boom. Boom.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Stop. Dude,
come on. Get out of the way.

HERBERT: It was a very difficult shot to achieve,

and everybody spent all day preparing for it.

What can we not get blood on?

Anything that you can't clean up

and make sure that I don't have
Department of Health issues.

We will not-- There will be no
Health Department issues.

I promise you.

-Are you willing to do a stunt?
-I am indeed, yes.

HERBERT: I'm not doin' stunts.
I'm doin' a line.

HERBERT: So could--I need a
microphone?

No. No, just--
You just try to focus on--

-Could you go to craft services?
-HERBERT: Okay.

HERBERT: I was very upset when I saw the finished film

because they cut this scene out of the movie.

I paid for a line, was supposed to be in this scene,

and they just cut it out! So, I spliced it right back in,

along with all the other crowdfunders

who also bought lines for this scene. Watch!

Who all bought a line in the
movie?

HERBERT:
Ohh! Me! Me! I bought a line!

We're gonna pass these lines
out to everybody right now.

Okay? First line,

"Oh no, oh no, someone is
shooting at us for no reason".

Who wants that one?

Okay, let's rehearse it.
Ready, action!

Oh no, someone's shooting at us.
For no reason!

A little more horrified, right?

Just...and faster. Right? Right.

ADAM: No dramatic pauses.
Action!

That's not hamburger meat.

Not bad. A little more
horrified. Ready, action!

The cost of this tragedy
is...astronomical.

In human life!

Run! Run! Run!

Where's my brother?
I can't find my brother!

I'd like a fish sandwich
and...fries, please.

If I don't make it out of this,
I love you, sis.

We're gonna make it out.
I promise.

Everybody get down on the
ground.

I got this son of a bitch.

Scream bloody murder. Action!

-[loudly screams]
-Jeez! Alright.

That's gonna work. Alright.
That's gonna be great.

"It's like he's hunting
humans". Who--

HERBERT: I like that!
I-I'll-I'll have that one.

-Okay. Alright. Here--
-HERBERT:That's the one.

-That's the one everybody--
-Alright, here. Let me--

I'll film y-you saying it.
Action!

It's like they're--

-ADAM:Action!
-It's li--

-ADAM:David, be quiet.
-It's like--

ADAM:David, be quiet.

-ADAM:Action!
-[shouting] It's like--

It's like they're hunting
humans!

HERBERT: Now that Missi was on board with my vision of the movie,

I needed access to all the footage,

so I could have total flexibility

and restore the film to its fullest potential.

Because movies are shot digitally these days,

and all the raw footage is uploaded to a production website,

anybody can have access to all the footage shot.

HERBERT: You load the film into
the, uh, into the computers?

It's all shot, you know,
digital. Of course, so.

I back everything up, and then
I use an FTP site.

Like you'd use for...
for stealing movies,

or...file sharing, you know?

But, I do it with the producers
back at the production office.

HERBERT:
All the stuff from the movie?

And all the mistakes?
And everything?

Yeah, it all--
Everything shot comes to me.

HERBERT:
And anybody can then have access

to all this footage from any
computer?

Yep.
All you need is the password.

[typing]

[slow-motion typing]

And off it goes to the bosses.

[computer beeping] beep...beep.

HERBERT: And then it's just
right there? Great!

Everybody, we've rehearsed this
five, six, seven times.

Just remember, we have one shot
at this. That's it.

The sun's going down.

We have enough budget for 40
hits.

Thats all we got.
One shot at it.

Don't screw it up.

HERBERT:
Okay, here's the one-er.

[Blump's Burgers jingle playing]

♪ When you're running late and you need a bite ♪

♪ Or you want a place where you can feel alright ♪

♪ Breakfast, lunch, and dinner too ♪

♪ Burger and fries, just to name a few ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody likes salad ♪

♪ Blump's Burgers, Blump's Burgers ♪

ANNOUNCER: Blump's Burgers.

Proudly serving customers since 1937.

[jingle fades]

[lively chatter]

[restaurant chatter continues]

[gun cocks]

[Ave Maria plays]

[screaming and rapid gunshots]

HERBERT: This music was originally written

for another movie.

[Ave Maria, gunfire,
and screaming continue]

[screaming and gunfire
in slow motion]

[gun cocks]

[screaming and rapid gunfire
continue]

[shouting] Ahhahahahaha!

It's like they're hunting
humans!

ADAM: [shouting] Cut!

What the fuck?!

Get that fucking asshole outta
there!

HERBERT: With all this great production value,

why would they ever cut this shot out?

ADAM: [yelling]
Goddamn motherfu--

HERBERT: Watch this.

These two clowns clearly can't
figure out what to do without
Missi around.

ADAM:
Alright, I just need something

that's gonna cover our ass
for why Mabel's not here.

And, it's gonna cut probably
directly into what we shot last
week.

-Hold on. What the--
-This is crazy.

I mean, where is she anyway?
Why can't we find her?

ADAM: Harry, I wish I knew.

You want me to be using this
thing?

ADAM: Yes, please.

REED: Yo, Mabel. Where you at?

[sobbing] Reed. Hey.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it to
the crime scene.

I had to do some thinking alone.

No problem, Mabel;
God and I are on it.

We'll meet you at the
Blump's Burger ASAP.

[voice shaking] You guys hold
down the fort at Blump's Burgers

because I have an important
lunch meeting

to go to at the police station.

Hey, don't waste any time.

That was Godfrey.

REED: Okay. Bye.
[phone clicks off]

HERBERT: [softly] And...turn.

[chair loudly squeaks]

HERBERT: Well, here we all are in the police breakroom

having some police lunch.

-HERBERT:Hello.
-Hi. How you doing?

-HERBERT: Hello.
-Greetings!

HERBERT:Hey there fellow police!

We sure aren't having any luck
cracking this Knocked Off case.

[whispering] Just read it right
off the paper.

Well, the problem is we can't
trust ourselves.

HERBERT:[whispering]
And, action!

You can't trust cops.

We need someone outside the
force.

-HERBERT: [whispering] Go!
-Who watches the watchers?

We need somebody really smart,
and really cool.

What we really need...is a hero.

MISSI: [whimpering]

HERBERT: Even though Missi is the star, and a detective,

she's humble enough to have lunch with the uniformed police.

She knows there's a problem we have to solve.

HERBERT: Just read the lines
right off the cue cards, okay?

[whispering] Action!

[shaking] I read about this guy
on my internet dating site.

Which I don't need, because
I'm so...attractive.

But, I was looking because my
sister, who isn't attractive.

[voice thick] I read about
this...perfect guy.

He's taller than me, and might
be able to solve this crime.

Because he's not a cop.
[whimpering]

He's a movie maker, so--

[choking back tears] He
understands complicated stuff.

I'm going to meet him for
coffee.

And see if he can solve
this case.

I saw...

his picture. He's-- [sniffles]

He's cute too.

-Yeah!
-Great idea!

-Yeah, yeah.
-Definitely on board with that.

-Yup.
-Good plan! I like it!

HERBERT: Ooh, watch this part.

This is my favorite scene.

A lotta people don't know this,

but the first half of Back to the Future

was shot with Eric Stoltz.

Then they fired him, and reshot it with Michael J. Fox,

and now it's much better. Just like this movie!

It's better without Harry Hamlin.

-HERBERT: [slurps]
-Thanks for meeting me here.

I have to talk to you about a
police work case I am on.

I can't trust police.

I-I'm happy to help you any way
I can.

I work in movies, so I have a
good idea how evil works.

You're smart, and nice.

And very attractive.

[door unlocking] This is seexual harassment.

Lucky for you we're not working
together anymore.

Are you gonna invite me in?

Unless you can fuck me from out
in the hall. [giggling]

You're taller than me by a lot,
aren't you?

Yes, I am!

But, I'm not really scared
of you, and I need--

[choking back tears]
Help solving this case.

The last guy I was working with
was a cop and I didn't like him.

He tried to stick his tongue...
in my mouth,

but I blocked it with my teeth

and told him to stop.
[sniffling]

I would never...do that.

And I can help you with
your case.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

No, not yet.

I wanna see you naked first.

[coughs]

One.

Two.

Three.

Now I'm sure.

I don't want to talk about it
in public...

where there might be
police listening.

Let's go to my...apartment.

Good. And I won't try to stick
my tongue in your mouth.

HERBERT: On-screen chemistry is something you just can't fake.

The actors have to have a deeply rooted connection in real life.

Like, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.

Or, Bruce and Demi.

But, it's not just carnal passion.

We're following in the grand cinematic tradition

of artist and muse.

Alfred Hitchcock had Grace Kelly.

Ingmar Bergman had Liv Ullmann.

And now, Herbert Blount has Missi Pyle.

HERBERT: This movie's finally comin' together.

What's with all the
sneakin' around?

I have to break up with you.

What the fuck?

You are a cop, and I can't
trust you on this case.

A cop?

And you stuck your tongue
in my mouth.

There's a new man in my life
now.

He's really handsome,
and he's a movie maker.

I have to break up with you.

HERBERT: Missi really dug deep in this next scene. Watch!

You know Herbert,
my new boyfriend--

[tearfully]
who isn't a cop, is right.

It's someone on the police
force.

[takes deep breath]

It's someone on the police
force.

I have to figure out who it is.

[quietly sobbing]

If I do, he'll be so proud of me

because he'll know I helped him.

I do my best thinking
in the shower.

I'm going to take a shower.

HERBERT: [softly]
On your own cue.

HERBERT:Here's an example of some nudity that's important to the plot.

It's motivated.

[takes deep breath]
Okay, first--

First I'll turn on the water.
[shivering]

And then I'll start to think.

[knobs squeaking,
then water running]

[yelps] Fuck!
That's fucking cold!

Okay. I wish Herbert was here
right now to help me...

solve the murders,
and put some soap on my back.

[crying and yelling]
Oh, fuck you. Fuck you!

[screaming]
Get me the fuck out--

HERBERT: Great performances are born of collaboration.

Actress and director.

[sputtering] I need to relax
here in the shower,

just think about what...
Herbert said.

I think he might be...able to...

figure out who the
murderer...really is.

HERBERT: Missi's been missing from the case for five days.

Everybody from the movie was called into the police station

for an important meeting.

We shot this scene at a real police station in LA.

We need to come up
with some information,

so anything you guys can
provide us will be helpful.

What do you know?

HERBERT: The police don't know that Missi and I

are working on the case together from home,

so they're needlessly worried.

You mentioned something
earlier. Something about--

Uh, that was nothing.

I just kissed her a little too
enthusiastically.

HERBERT: [scoffs] A little? This
guy only lies when he speaks.

What does that mean; that you
kissed her enthusiastically?

Well, sometimes when you're
in the moment,

-you get a little, you know--
-I know.

-But how in the moment were you?
-Just...caught up.

Excuse me, are these cameras
with the film?

-No, they're with her.
-They're with me.

-What does that mean?
-I have a show.

I do this show called
The Housewives of Beverly Hills.

And they follow me.
[upbeat rock music plays]

Harry has been called
into the police station

to be questioned about an
actress that he's working with

named Missi Pyle who has
gone missing.

I, by god, am gonna go with him

because I'd like to know
what's going on here.

I even canceled my Pilates
class! [record scratch]

I never [bleep] cancel my
Pilates class!

DETECTIVE: Let's bring it back.
Could she have taken another
job?

Could she have left this film
for a big movie?

HAYES: I was in Haunted House 2
with Missi.

If she was gonna walk off any
set, it would've been that one.

DETECTIVE:
Is there anybody on set...

that comes to mind as being
...suspicious?

That really ugly guy.

The one with the long hair,
you know?

He was, um, kinda looked like
a Neanderthal?

And he was always kinda all
dressed like a clown?

HERBERT: Dressed like a clown?!

That guy was a misfit for sure.

HERBERT:Misfit?! Well, at least I'm not a tongue rapist!

ADAM: He was one of our biggest
crowdfunders.

He gave us a lot of money!

Is that camera behind the
screen, is that with you?

-With the Housewives?
-LISA: No. That is not with us.

GODFREY: [voice reverberating]
I do not understand cold,

calculating killers.

HERBERT: This is a montage.

Although it's a device that's been around since the beginning of film making,

most of us know it from when Rocky is training.

Or, when Pretty Woman tries on all those dresses.

MABEL:
Those lab reports are fake.

MABEL: --lab reports are fake.

[knocking on door]

Hey, brother! Come on in.

Boy am I glad to see you.

Come on over here. I wanna show
you something. Come here.

Check this out.

I need your brain.
[papers shuffling]

What if all the samples
are DNA clones?

Sit down. Shut up, and listen.

-No, I'm serious.
-REED: Sit down!

HERBERT: There's a lot of product placement in this scene.

REED: The killings have to stop.

[chuckling] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know that.

Why the fuck do you think I've
lost a whole fucking month's
sleep?

I-Is there a problem?

Yeah. Your fucking girlfriend
is the problem.

That bitch is gettin' real
close to figuring out

who the Knocked Off killer
really is.

She thinks it's one of us.

Oh come on, man. Why would she
think it's one of us?

It is one of us.

So, for the purposes of
argument [plastic bag crinkling]

It's you.

And your DNA matches the DNA

on the Albert Fish crime report.

I saw to that when I fabricated
the report.

[voice reverberating] This is
an Albert Fish crime scene.

[voice reverberating]
How the fuck do you know that?

[voice reverberating] Probably
'cause Reed is our perp.

WHEELER: [echoing] Probably
'cause Reed is our perp.

HERBERT: I know! We all saw other guys doing the crimes.

But, now we see those same crimes again,

and Reed is doing them.

This is a film technique called cheating.

That's when you set something up

then pull a fast one on the audience.

It's a way to get surprise at the end of the movie,

without having to come up with something clever.

REED: [shouting] Ahhhhh!!

Here's about $50,000 I stole
from evidence.

Pack up your shit, man.

You've got an hour before this
place is swarming with police.

I'm gonna leave this at your
girlfriend's murder scene.

You see, she was your last
victim before you fled.

You knew she was onto you,

so you decided to copy one more
murderer.

The BTK killer.

You remember good old
Dennis Rader, don't you?

As you'll recall, BTK stands for

Bind.

Torture.

And, kill.

[yelling] You motherfucker!

You should've killed me when
you had the chance!

HERBERT: That's always true in movies.

Aw fuck. Goddammit.

HERBERT: If you think you might possibly ever, even slightly,

want to kill someone, just kill them.

Well, the killer must be one of
those two partners

[sound glitches]
you were working with.

I...think it must be Reed.

You are so smart!

It wasn't me who figured it out.

It was you.

Well, let's just say...

we're a great team.

HERBERT: Welcome to Blount International Movies Headquarters.

This is my studio.

I like to live right where I work.

I work from home.

Just like my fellow rogue filmmaker, Robert Rodriguez.

When I inherited this house from my dear mother,

it enabled me to focus full-time on my film making career.

I've rigged Go-Pro cameras everywhere,

because you never know when magic will strike.

[doorbell rings] ding-dong

HERBERT: Case in point, today!

-Help! I'm down here!
-Shh, shh.

-Help! Help me!
-Quiet. Quiet on set.

-You'll spoil the movie. Shh!
-[yelling] Help! Help! Help me!

HERBERT: Actors like to do all kinds

of interesting voice exercises between takes.

They're funny like that.

MISSI:[muffled] Someone help me!
Help! Help!

HERBERT: This is the perfect scene to build second act tension.

I learned all about how to create suspense from my mentor, Alfred Hitchcock.

MISSI: [faintly]
Help! Help! Help!

HERBERT: Soundproofing your studio is really important.

And so is presentation.

The way you present yourself to the public.

It's all about image.

Perception is everything in Hollywood.

HERBERT: [calling out]
Who is it?

Metro Police.

We have a few questions for you.

HERBERT: Um, okay. I'm comin'.

HERBERT: When you're making a movie,

you have to be open to rolling with all the punches.

If you don't, you miss out on all the happy accidents.

Here's an opportunity that came up that I just couldn't resist.

Hello.

-Herbert Blunt?
-It's Blount.

-Blount. O-U. Blount.
-Blount? Mr. Blount.

-I am Detective Whiteside.
-Hello.

Detective Jones.

-HERBERT: Hello.
-Hi.

Well, um, could we come in
for a minute?

[mumbling] Sure. Oh, sure. Yeah.

HERBERT: The cops don't know that Missi and I

are working secretly together on cracking the case.

We have to keep it that way because cops can't be trusted.

Would you, uh,
would you like some coffee?

-Uh, no thanks, no.
-None for me, thanks.

HERBERT: They don't know that Missi is hiding out

right beneath their feet!

Watch how I milk the tension with some creative cutting.

So, have you ever heard of
an actress named Missi Pyle?

Yes! She's a famous actress.

Everybody's heard of Missi Pyle.

We know you were on the set
of her movie.

I do a lotta...crowdfunding.

Mostly buying kidneys for
people.

Charity stuff. Children.

But I wanted to help these guys
make their little movie.

It's good for Hollywood.

It's-It's, it's good for
America.

Would it be okay if we took
a little look around?

I watch a lotta movies.
A lotta movies.

I'm always the guy
who's screaming,

"Make 'em get a warrant".
[chuckling] That's me.

So, um...
I'm gonna have to do that.

I, uh,
I've always wanted to say that.

You're gonna have to get
a warrant.

Well, that is your right.

[claps hands] Alright.
Okay then, Mr. Blount.

Speak soon.

HERBERT: I usually would never let police into my house at all.

But, look how great this scene turned out.

HERBERT: Missi! Missi!
The cops are onto us.

We gotta go get Reed, Missi!

We can't let the cops have this
collar!

We deserve the credit.

Get the car going!

Drive! Drive! Drive!

[fast paced action music plays]

[car engines revving]

[flatly] Drive faster.
He's getting away.

Faster.

[police sirens wailing]

[gunshots] bang! bang!

[flatly] See if you can shoot
out the tires.

You're an excellent marksman.

Okay. I'll try it while driving.

[gunfire] bang!

HERBERT: Take that, Vin Diesel!

Freeze, motherfucker!

Freeze, you fucker!

Woah! You got him in the hand!

Go! Go! Go!

[yelps]

So, you're even knocking off
your capture.

The same way Charlie Manson was
found.

In a cabinet at Spahn ranch.

REED: This was my greatest
re-creation.

Well, I guess I'll just live
my life like Charlie Manson.

as a folk hero in prison.

I'll sell my art,
and put out some music.

You got your guy.

Hit 'em with the catchphrase,
Missi!

Now, it's time for you
to get knocked off, Reed.

HERBERT: Every movie needs to have a catchphrase.

[classical music plays]

You know...
I never told you this Herbert,

but my family is rich.

I just do police work for fun.

Let's go to Hawaii and
celebrate.

[whispering] Yeah!

[calm ukulele music plays]

HERBERT:This isn't really Hawaii.

We're back in my Hollywood studio.

This is what's called the martini shot.

It's what filmmakers call the last shot in a movie.

In old Hollywood,

the director would be so anxious to be done with a shoot,

he would already have a martini in his hand when he said "Action".

And, as soon as he said cut, he'd drink the martini.

Now, the last shot is called the martini shot,

even by people who don't drink martinis.

I'm gonna give Missi a 7Up.

[forceful grunt]
[stabbing sounds]

[whimpering]

Put a little on your feet. Good.

[doorbell rings in distance] ding-dong!

[doorbell rings persistently] ding-dong! ding-dong!

HERBERT: Whenever you make a movie

there are always so many distractions

that you have to deal with.

Planes flying overhead.

Lawn mowers in the distance.

More cops showing up at your door.

I could've cut all this out, but you wouldn't learn.

HERBERT: Hello?

Oh! Mr. Blount?
Mr. Herbert Blount?

HERBERT:
Are you back with a warrant?

[calm ukulele music plays]

[whimpering, struggling]

We're not the police,
Mr. Blount.

We're with the Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter Day Saints,

and we have a message for you
of God's good news!

HERBERT: Jesus Christ! Go away!

Missi? Missi?

HERBERT: [muffled]
The martini shot is up.

Missi?

HERBERT: Okay. [exhales] This is it.

This is the scene where the two unlikely lovers

realize what we knew all along

that in the movies, two people are connected by destiny,

and no force can tear them apart.

We call it a Hollywood Ending,

and it's one of the big reasons we love movies.

Because for a couple of hours,

we can sit in the dark alone

and watch love work its magic.

When it comes down to it,

it really is all about love, isn't it?

Every movie is just a love story, dressed in funny clothes.

Whether it's on the Titanic.

Or in the Black Lagoon.

Or even on a beach in Hawaii.

It's all about love.

But once in a blue moon, a special love story comes along

where the misunderstood hero has the strength

to let the love of his live go

because he knows it's the right thing to do.

It kills him, but he does it anyway.

Like when Rick puts Ilsa

on that plane in Casablanca.

Or when King Kong dies when protecting Fay Wray.

Kong. Now there was a misunderstood hero.

His love story makes me cry every time.

There's no love

quite like the love in movies.

That kind of love doesn't exist in the real world.

At least, I've never seen it.

Missi! Missi! Waaagh!!

Missi! Missi! Waaagh!!

[in slow-motion]
Missi! Missi! Waaagh!!

[in slow-motion]
Missi! Waaagh!

[glass shattering]

HERBERT: God bless the movies.

HERBERT: Well, that's my director's cut.

It's a great movie because of a great star:

Missi Pyle.

Missi and I had a certain kind of chemistry--

[prison bell rings]
from the first day we met.

If you don't have that
with an actress,

don't even bother doing the
movie.

You have to have that kind of
chemistry with the actor,

you have to make sure you--
-Blount, time's up! Let's go!

I just have to do
a little more VO.

If I could just have a minute
or two here, I ll be all done.

Computer time for inmates
is a privilege.

It can be given;
it can be taken away.

This is the version that will
be of the best.

Can I come back in like
the next session?

-We will schedule another time.
-Come on.

I'll give you a line.

You know that line you did
about privilege?

There was a real naturalness
in the way you presented it.

I could cut it right in like
toward the end.

You already gave me a line.

HERBERT: We already shot it.
I'll use the security cameras.

Did I give you Executive
Producer credit yet?

Do you want to be Sam Parks or
Samuel Parks?

Which do you want to be?

It'll be permanent, you know.
It'll be on IMDB.

Hello. Hello, everybody.

-You know the drill.
-I do. I do.

I'll go in here like
I'm supposed to. Sorry.

-You were great, Sam.
-Thanks.

-You did a good performance.
-Thanks so much.

I smell Academy Award!

[cell door clangs shut]

[Better Kind Of Man, performed by Penn Jillette]

♪ The only thing that makes me smile ♪

♪ Is my love for Missi Pyle

♪ And to earn it

♪ I just did what I had to do

♪ I finally got all her attention ♪

♪ but it did cause some contention ♪

♪ With those who cannot feel a thing that's true ♪

♪ They can never understand a love that's true ♪

♪ Little man said I was wrong

♪ As I towered like King Kong

♪ The misunderstood

♪ Misunderstood to say the least ♪

♪ But Missi finally knew

♪ That my heart was always true

♪ And in the end it was

♪ Her beauty killed my beast

♪ And in the end it's simply

♪ Beauty kills my beast

♪ So here is where I dwell

♪ I'm happy in my cell

♪ This prison locks them out

♪ It'll never lock me in, no!

♪ My movies set you free

♪ And I'll try to make you see

♪ That a beast is just

♪ A better kind of man

♪ Ooh, the beast is just

♪ The better kind of man

♪ My beast is just

♪ A better kind of man

I love you, Missi.

HERBERT: Playthemutherfucker!

[I Quit My Job [My Job Becomes
Hunting You],
performed by Bad Penn and the
NoGodBand.]

Female Vocalist: What do you
tremble, are you all afraid?

Alas I blame you not for you are mortal.

HERBERT: ♪ The police gave
Dahmer back his abuductee ♪

♪ Dahmer wasn't hungry, he was
just lonely

♪ Couldn't stand to see anyone
walk out his door

♪ He should have stayed just a
masturbator

♪ But he got great head in his
refrigerator

♪ Spent too much time kneeling
on the killing floor

♪ Well I feel your terror and I feel all your pain

♪ It might not be your fault,
just your fucked up brain

♪ But, the charges came in and
the payment has come due

♪ I quit my job!
My job becomes hunting you.

♪ I quit my job!
My job becomes hunting you.

♪ Well, maybe it's genetics
like your parents say

♪ Maybe "Call of Duty" made you
this way

♪ Maybe it's just our
gun-lovin' society

♪ You'’re taking Ambien instead
of counting sheep

♪ Got you walking and eating and fucking in your sleep

♪ Ridlin gives you focus but
brings anxiety

♪ Somehow you've forgotten how
to have fun

♪ You're looking at the playground through the sites of a gun

♪ I think you're going to do what I think you're going to do

♪ I quit my job!
My job becomes hunting you.

♪ I quit my job!
My job becomes hunting you.

♪ [guitar solo]

♪ On my TV and my movie screen

♪ Underaged in my state - only 17

♪ You made love to the camera

♪ but you spoke to only me

♪ Your dirty boyfriend was
skinny and bored

♪ Wouldn't wear a tuxedo when
you won that award

♪ He never really loved you, couldn't ever let you really be

♪ TMZ everywhere you go

♪ You'’re a perfect lady but they called you a ho

♪ Nobody could ever understand
you like I do

♪ I quit my job!
My job becomes saving you

♪ I quit my job!
My job becomes saving you

♪ You sit right there make
yourself to home

♪ My casa is your casa cause
we're all alone

♪ I've got nothing else to do,

♪ and you are welcome to

♪ stay

♪ You can act happy and you can act sad

♪ You can be the good guy, I'’ll always be the bad

♪ We'll improvise our original
screenplay

♪ You're Lady Macbeth with a
bloody silver cup

♪ You could play Hamlet if
things loosen up!

♪ You're so much more than just an ingenue

♪ I quit my job!
My job is now loving you

♪ I quit my job!
My job is now loving you

♪ And on my arm, I've got this
new tattoo

♪ It says "“I quit my job!"”

♪ [various solos]

♪ I quit my job!

♪ I quit my job!

♪ I quit my job!

♪ I quit my job!

[crowd applause and cheers]