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( "Wedding March" playing )

My name is Antoni Clarke and I am a bride's best friend.

I'm not gay.

Now I own Confetti Magazine, but Vivien is the editor,

and she's really the backbone of the publication.

She does all the day-to-day work if you like.

This is going to be the event of the year and we have to,

we have to really go for it as the event of the year.

It's immense, because our reputation is, is, is hanging

on a thread if we fail in this.

It's half an hour on a Saturday afternoon,

three weddings, it's easy.

All you have to do

is hold up a card and say ten out of ten

or nil points.

ANTONI: We're all very excited.

We were gonna do another bride of the year competition,

but we thought that would just end up being given to a woman in a white dress again.

So we thought we'd do the most original wedding as an idea.

We're giving away a house

to the couple with the most original wedding.

Not everyone wants to get married in a crazy way.

Not everyone wants their special day ruined by a gimmick,

but some people do.

Pitch us your vision of the most original wedding.

Well, we're dinosaurs, we're raptors actually.

It's a dinosaur-themed wedding?

MAN: Yeah, absolutely.

We want it in a cave, first of all.

Thanks so much for coming.

Already? So soon?

VIVIEN: Yep, already. ( croaks )

ANTONI: I don't want to waste your time. Next.

Hi, hello. Thank you so much for coming.

All the guys are gonna be dressed as Elvis Presley.

WOMAN: And the girls will be dressed as, you know, teddy girls.

VIVIEN: Don't you think the idea has been done before?

No.

Right, next.

Vivien, am I gonna be meeting

more mental people today?

We're going to get married

following the Daffodil Route around Wales.

It's a train route.

It starts in Cardiff.

I appreciate you wanting to come here and win a house.

It's not gonna happen for you. Good-bye.

MAN: There are three changes on the way from here to Bridgeport.

I'm sure you fucking loved it, didn't you?

You love a train. Go on.

She was tremendously pretty.

We could actually partner her up with somebody else.

Well, what we had in mind was a kind of ancient Roman wedding.

Great.

It starts with the sacrifice of a pig at the bride's house.

Fuck me.

But maybe with some hairstyle around it

and a prescription lens.

ANTONI ( sighs ): Next.

( buzzer )

Get out.

If we were producing a sort of updated version

of The Joy of Sex,

you two would be perfect.

Naturists or Joy Of Sex?

The Joy of Sex

are better looking, but the naturists,

well, it's more, it's more Confetti.

I don't want them at all.

I'd rather have the Romans.

That's as maybe.

Naturists, tennis, musicals.

MATT: Our submission was accepted, and our submission, by the way,

we should probably say, is the musical theme.

The theme for a musical wedding.

Yeah, Hollywood musicals, that's what we're going for. Yeah.

SAM: The idea that we pitched is it's in the style

of the sort of Busby Berkeley,

so it's a big kind of production number.

We're having sort of bridesmaids as the chorus girls.

You know they'd sort of have the sweeping kind of staircase

of bridesmaids in those films, and Jen,

my sister, obviously,

she'll be bridesmaid of honor, won't she?

Oh, absolutely. She'd love to be.

She's away at the moment, but she's a dancer.

She's in Bahrain with a cruise.

SAM'S MOTHER: She travels around a lot,

and we don't always know where she is.

I work in a care home for the elderly.

Sam comes along sometimes and she helps out.

She helps me,

and she sings for them-- lovely.

SAM: I'm slightly tone-deaf, but Matt's always said

if I wasn't tone-deaf, I'd have a very good voice.

Yeah, it's true.

Uh, so, you know, I enjoy it.

It's all confidence, that's all it is. Yeah, yeah.

A lot of it is confidence.

Well, the vision for our wedding

is going to be actually quite simple.

Tennis. Tennis.

Yeah!

Woo!

Come on, Josef. JOSEF: I mean, we are gonna win.

If you're listening, losers,

the other people in the competition, give it up.

Stop.

Stop now, because we're gonna win.

It's not about how good our wedding is,

it's about can we do anything

to make theirs a little...

That's what you do in tennis. That's what you do.

You've got to look at someone's game and you have to destroy it.

Yeah, we have a coach.

Well, I say coach.

We have a coach.

He's, uh...

Jesus, he's amazing.

He's so supportive.

My inner game is gone at the moment

and he's really

working on that with me. Yeah.

So when we're on the court, that's what,

that's what we're working on.

He's very interested in getting inside you, isn't he?

He's fantastic at it.

* I like to ride my bicycle with you. *

Well, I'm Michael.

This is Joanna.

I'm Joanna.

And, uh, yeah, I've been a naturist all my life.

And Joanna... ( splash )

And Joanna's quite new to it, really.

I'm a beginner.

* Never say good-bye... *

JOANNA: Summerland, it's the oldest naturist camp in the country.

Mum and Dad lived here

and they were naturists.

JOANNA: Well, my dad was a policeman,

my mum worked as a legal secretary.

And they do think, they do worry a bit that I'm in a cult.

It's not a cult.

It's not a cult.

I mean, we are all naked, apart from clothes.

JOANNA: All the time.

And then when you take the clothes off, it's more obvious.

You know, I know for this film

I'm supposed to sit like this so that you can't see my penis.

But you know, I'm looking at my penis now.

It's lovely.

It seems absolutely fine to me.

Now the auditions we had, I was very excited about it,

but I'm not particularly now.

One is a potential idea, perhaps, the musical couple.

No, no, no.

We've gone back to singing out of tune again, dear.

The tennis couple maybe could work.

But the girl, she has the most extraordinary nostrils.

I mean, I can't take my eyes off them.

So if you put that

on a front cover,

the nation won't be able to take their eyes off them.

The third choice...

I mean, where do you want me to start?

They want to be on the front cover naked.

But I'm optimistic.

I have my wedding planners coming in soon

and..., Heron and Hough, and they seem absolutely dynamic.

( wood creaking )

MAN: Push it a bit to the side.

You all right?

* L is for the way you look at me * Come in.

Hi!

Hello.

This is my partner.

Heron and Hough.

Your dreams are enough.

ARCHIE: I think this is going to be the most extraordinary

theatrical wedding, love celebration.

Three-ring circus.

It's a three-ring circus of love

and we're gonna be right at its center.

Don't show them that.

Come away. Don't show them that.

This...

No, stop it.

This... No.

This is our award wall.

You shouldn't show them that.

I know, but, let... you know.

Don't show them that one or that one.

GREGORY: We're not clear on budget, are we at the moment?

ARCHIE: No, but, I mean, the great thing, it's,

as you know, it's a very big magazine.

So I think we're safely assuming that there will be

some money to spend.

Just a little bit.

ARCHIE: Which is why we've already started.

I mean, we haven't met

the couples yet, but we already have a load of ideas

that we wanted to kind of spring on them.

GREGORY: And I think one's first instinct is often the best.

Black and silver sparkle.

Oh, lovely. That's good, good choice.

ARCHIE: Because, also, we're up against time, don't forget.

GREGORY: Yes.

ARCHIE: We would often plan a wedding over nine, 12, 18 months.

And we have three months

to plan three weddings.

GREGORY: Yes. Which we're up for.

ARCHIE: Mad as cheese, the pair of us.

Mad as cheese. Yeah.

What we give people is a huge part of ourselves.

It's our wedding on the day.

GREGORY: We have not lost one yet.

No, there's nobody who has been married

at a wedding we have organized who is not still together. ...who has separated.

( Isabelle yelps )

Oh, come on, don't serve so hard to her.

What do you mean, don't serve so hard to her?

How's she going to get any better if I don't serve hard to her?

I mean, you're the man.

Are you here? Are you actually in the room?

Do it again. Just go one more time.

Do what again? Serve so you can miss it?

Jesus is, uh,

an exceptionally, an exceptionally mediocre coach.

Oh, well, my name is Jesus and I am from Spain.

Um, yep, there's the difficulties of my name

is because it also is called Jesus.

* Clouds and stormy weather... *

I mean, if anyone goes around calling himself Jesus,

frankly, it's a bit sad.

There must be a deep well of insecurity in there.

I will hurt if they get married,

because I think he's not the appropriate man for her.

Yeah, that's character.

I mean, she needs more love, she needs more smiling,

and she needs, yeah, a little bit more of sweetness.

Back.

( whispering ): It's very lovely.

In front.

No, no, no, don't stop. I think this is good.

What's good?

At this rate. Keep going.

Are you tired? No, I'm not tired.

You need to sit down, yeah?

I'm not "tyrid," if anything, I'm tired.

Sorry, sorry.

Woo, positive, positive. Just for the opening... Yeah?

I was feeling something. Yeah?

Take my hand. What were you feeling?

I think that would be lovely, that.

I was feeling that this could be used.

For the wedding? Used in the wedding?

Yeah. That would be excellent.

Who's getting married?

JOSEF: You know, he's always going on

about how warm they are in the Mediterranean,

you know, they're very, you know, tactile people,

but he doesn't touch anyone as much as he touches my fiancée.

I don't think...

Oy!

I'm watching!

"Rules of entry. Number one.

You hereby confirm you're not already married.

Two. You agree to participate in pre-marriage counseling."

Counseling.

Counseling.

Yes.

I'm not doing counseling.

Josef, you've...

I'm not doing counseling.

I just think... I've done counseling.

I know. You know I've done counseling.

I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing it!

Let's just concentrate on...

how we want these people to look.

The tennis players, I mean Isabelle and Josef,

we want them to look so glamorous.

Well, we want them to win, don't we?

Yes, I quite like the musical couple.

I think they're... I think they're quite sweet.

WOMAN: And they'll look wonderful on the day.

She's a little dowdy. No, she'll

be fine if we dress her in a beautiful dress.

You never know on the day, either.

You know, the naturist couple, on the day, might be fantastic.

I don't think anyone wants to see her muff.

You chose them.

* Summer breeze and blue, blue sky *

* Memories of that beautiful delight... *

GREGORY: I was quite excited by the people that we met.

I think, you know, of the three couples, I think

I couldn't, wouldn't want to favor any of them.

I think they're all exciting,

very much in love, I think.

I'm having slight problems with the tennis, Isabelle and Josef.

ARCHIE: And a woman that only wears things

that she's knitted herself is just gonna be difficult.

Yes, and they did smell.

* ...back to the time when we were so carefree *

* And easy, building castles in the sand *

* While our dreams of strolling hand-in-hand *

* Will light the love you bring *

* You're the song I sing and everything is you. *

Well, it was... It was a really,

really good day, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was an amazing day.

There was so many things to see and...

MATT: And also, from the, from the time that, uh...

Sam had that makeover, you know,

that would be enou... you know,

the fact that she was chosen to have a makeover anyway was,

oh, my God.

* I see tomorrow in her eyes *

* And where my future lies *

* So I don't need a crystal ball at all *

* Because I've seen tomorrow in her eyes *

* And time shall hold no sad surprise *

* More hellos than good-byes *

* So I don't need a crystal ball at all *

* Because I've seen tomorrow in her eyes *

* I've seen tomorrow in her eye. *

JOSEF: They just happened to pick her to have a makeover.

Out of all those people in the audience, so we had

to have a word, a civil word,

and they kindly agreed to, uh, to go again.

( cheering )

Oh, doesn't she look gorgeous?

A big round of applause for the lovely Isabelle.

GREGORY: She's got herself in a picture.

She's got herself... just, see?

Hi.

Hello. Oh, hi.

Come on in.

Ooh.

Lovely to see you.

You, too.

Perch yourself on the couch.

Hello, love. Hi. Lovely to see you.

Lovely to see you.

In you come. Thanks.

Okay. Well, you know, first and foremost,

you know, thank you so much for coming and doing this job.

We are so excited about it.

Good, I'm thrilled.

Now, to cut to the chase.

There are several things that are on my mind at the moment

that need to be sort of sorted.

Firstly, I need-- which has also come

from the powers that be above--

I need one venue for all three weddings.

The wedding, wedding competition.

For all the weddings?

That's right, yes.

'Cause we thought about

Queen's Club and Roland Garros.

Well, I love your ideas.

They're great, but they're not within the budget, you know.

So, um... one venue.

Now a second point is, and one that does concern me,

are the naturists.

I need, I need the naked girl dressed.

I need her in a dress.

In a dress?

In a dress, yes.

But they're nudists, aren't they?

No, they're naturists.

All right, well, yes,

but they take their clothes off.

Well, I need them in a dress.

Does she know that?

No, that's your job to tell her.

GREGORY: Right.

I think they actually do play volleyball.

I don't know, so that's what we're going to find out.

I feel a bit sick, actually, Archie.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my good...!

It's a naked man on a bike!

( giggling ): It's a naked...

All right, just keep your eye on the road.

Did you see that!

I did see it.

I'm choosing to ignore it. Now, just... Look.

No clothes on, just riding around on his bike!

Just pull up here, pull up here.

Will there be, will there be any...

We'll be obvious, won't we?

I mean, we'll be obvious when we meet them.

How are you doing?

All right. Hi.

Hey, there.

Good. Nice to see you again.

Hi. Hi. How are you doing?

Hi, Joanna. Archie.

Hi, there. Hi.

Great, glad you could make it.

Just don't want to...

Oh, no, no, I'm all right.

Thanks for coming. Yeah.

Well, let's, uh...

Show you round. Yes.

Hi, guys.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

You know, you have a really good game

of badminton and no need to wash your kit, so...

so that's a bonus.

Do you play badminton?

No. Right.

You are aware, aren't you, that these weddings

will all take place, all three competitors

will have their weddings in the same venue

on the same day, one after another.

Sort of concurrently.

In a venue?

JOANNA: It doesn't, it doesn't...

No, I didn't know that.

No, it isn't, it isn't

absolutely, well, it is clear, in fact,

but it isn't, it isn't underlined or anything.

No, 'cause it says...

MICHAEL: It just says you have to approve where...

...where we want our wedding.

Well, the magazine approves,

and they've, they've decided

that to make it easier for the judges to be everywhere,

it all has to be inside

and on one occasion.

MICHAEL: What's that?

This is "Primavera."

Who's he?

No, that's a painting by Botticelli.

Oh, sorry.

But you said nature, it explores

some of the themes of nature.

Obviously you've got these apples, pears and things

and the elements blowing on her and there's flowers and so on,

and the strength of his sword.

And there's just, she's just slightly veiled

and you can see the nakedness underneath.

But that's just wacky costumes.

It's just costumes.

It's a kind of theater, isn't it?

It's not real,

and we're about nature and real.

Oh, Holly, thanks ever so much.

JOANNA: Thank you.

That's all right. Make way.

JOANNA: I'll move those.

Thanks.

Quite all right.

Thanks very much.

GREGORY: What are we going to do?

They're going to want to walk in

and take their clothes off, aren't they? Yes.

Do you think we should allow them to do that?

Yes, if that's what they want to do.

Good, I think that, too. Absolutely.

If they want to do that, they should be

allowed to do that. Of course they do.

To ask them to get married

in another way, you know, clothed,

is completely contrary to everything we believe in,

so, yes, they must be naked people as they get married,

because that's who they are.

All right, lovely.

So, musical. Musical's King and I.

It's not The King and I. It should be The King and I.

Why does it have to be The King and I?

King and I this, King and I that.

It offers so much design-wise.

It's East meets West.

There's fantastic opportunities for food there. Archie.

You know I can bring, I can get hold of elephants.

I'm thinking

Singing in the Rain.

I can just see it.

We can have the rain from the Wimbledon

falling all over the MGM.

It'll just be singing-- On the Town. Oh, please, On the Town.

I hate On The Town.

How can you hate On The Town?

Oh, it was that woman in the cab, she just drives me mad.

Oh, she's wonderful.

ARCHIE: So, folks, el maestro.

Sorry we're late.

This is Paul. Sam.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Paul. Hi, again.

Oh, how are you?

Paul has been working with us on some ideas for your wedding,

which we'd like to show you.

This is nice.

So... we've put some stools out.

We've kind of, it's like a little show. It's like...

Just, if you could take the stools,

we're going to show you...

Now? Yes.

Right now?

And we want to show you

what we've come up with... Okay.

...as potential vows for your wedding.

Shall I take my coat off?

( piano intro )

* I gave you my love... always *

* To have and to hold *

* Always *

* A life to unfold as man and wife *

* Always *

* Always *

* I give my life to you *

* Evermore shall my heart be true *

* For the rest of our lives we'll live as one *

* Always... *

* Always. *

That's amazing.

That is really amazing.

Exciting, isn't it?

That is... That's amazing.

Do you like that?

Yeah, I love it,

and it's a bit like ours.

Off your bottom and show us.

Off your bottom and show us.

I'm sure it is, but we just cobbled that together.

I'm sure we can get some sort of middle ground

between the two or...

( singing off-key ) * I promise to love you *

* I promise to care for you *

* I promise to always make you laugh... *

You're both singing in different keys.

Yeah. Yeah, that's, that's harmony.

Oh.

We know now we can't be here,

but if we get married there, then it has to be clothed.

I didn't, I didn't hear them say that.

It has to be clothed,

but for me it does have to be clothed.

You want it to be?

Well, I'm happy as a naturist with you

and a naturist with naturists,

but I'm not happy being undressed

in front of lots of clothed people.

It's been your life forever, and I'm new to it still.

Yeah, but you're not gonna give them nightmares.

I mean, you know, you look beautiful.

You'll be fine. No, they'll laugh.

Someone will laugh at us.

They won't laugh.

People don't laugh.

I'm not prepared to feel shame

and feel humiliation on our wedding day.

It's their problem.

It's completely their problem, though, isn't it?

I think it's your mum.

I think it's your mum that does this.

Think about your mum now. Think about your mum now.

Picture your mum. Do you want to get dressed?

Yes.

See? There we go.

It's her.

She's so... clothed.

* When we were young *

* You used to laugh so much *

* But now you're always buying wine *

* And wanking on about your sofa. *

I'm like Eno on speed.

It's just kind of like,

you take the whole thing and I just...

Speedo. Speedo.

That's what we're like.

This is what we're like, isn't it? Yeah.

This is what we used to be like.

Well, we still are, still are.

Yeah.

* You've made your bed *

* I hope you lie in it *

* With the girl who stole our dreams away *

* She's just like Jo Jo, oh, no *

* Dead man walking * * Whoo-hoo *

* Can't you hear *

* Can't you hear your old friend talkin'? *

You can do Wizard of Oz, right?

Wizard of Oz is a musical, yeah?

Yeah? Okay, all right.

You've got, uh... You've got the...

Do you mean at the wedding?

Yes. You've got the bass, the, the cowardly lion,

the Tin Man on drums, you've got Dorothy on guitar,

you've got, second guitar can be the, uh...

Toto.

Toto. Yes, the little dog.

This is not a bad idea.

And I can be the little monkey with the wings.

The flying monkey with the tail.

You can just take him. Take him with you.

I don't think you're taking me seriously at all.

No, no, no. The Flaming Lips do it.

It's not a joke.

It's not a joke, Snoopy. It's our wedding.

The Flaming Lips do it. The Flaming Lips do it.

I can speak to her.

That's... Well, I don't think

you really need to speak to her.

I'm just going to have to calm this one down,

because she does really think

you're taking a piss, do you know what I mean?

No, mate, I'm not. I know you're not.

She liked everything else.

Soon as I said the monkey with the wings...

I don't even know if it was the monkey, to be honest.

It was the monkey, with the wings,

'cause I saw her face and it dropped.

If you don't want a monkey, you don't have to do it.

It wasn't an integral part.

I could be a wicked witch.

ISABELLE: I'm a bit anxious, actually.

JOSEF: We're both anxious.

Today is a big day.

We've got the wedding planners coming in

and those lovely little fellas,

hopefully will have come up with something very exciting

for our wedding, because we've not heard much.

ISABELLE: No, we haven't heard much and we gave them a lot of information.

JOSEF: A lot of information.

ISABELLE: We're hoping that they're coming back today.

JOSEF: With something concrete.

Sorry we're so late.

That's okay. Let's get started.

Let's not waste no more time. Oh, okay.

Look, should we just show you?

We've got it within our heads.

We'll do it. No, no, no. Fantastic.

The opening of your ceremony.

Brilliant. Where do you want us?

Well, if you just go over there.

Right. We'll imagine you're the congregation.

You're the congregation.

Right, brilliant. And we're...

and this is where we're sort of looking that way.

And what?

Let's give them a chance, I suppose, you know.

You never know.

The parade of the ball boys.

On they come.

Go!

Go!

And then...

From the back come your gigantic balls.

On the way down on the tram lines, hmm?

Right.

And then you perform your vows, then you're married.

And that's the start.

What do you think?

( chuckles )

That's not where...

You know, we need to speak to someone professional.

I mean, you move beautifully, both of you,

but we need someone who knows what they're doing properly.

With, um, you know, with ball boys and ball girls, don't we?

Yeah. So a choreographer, first of all.

We think that the choreographer really should be the ring mate

of the MGM wedding couple.

Yes.

Sorry. We can't have the choreographer

because they've got one?

Well, because their dance is sort of key, central to...

It's central to us.

Yeah. I've worked already. I've worked a lot.

Right before you guys came in,

I was, I was working on the moves.

She does dancing.

Yes, I saw that.

I thought you'd injured yourself.

Yeah, I mean, whatever, whatever, we need some...

We need a... We asked for a...

( man clears throat )

Oh, for saints of Jesus.

Can you get rid of him?

Get rid of him.

I have to explain something to you.

We have to win this competition.

There's no question of if, but or maybe.

We have to win it.

We are in, we are in severe financial...

Are you... What are you doing?

Jesus is here. I invited him along.

Can you go away?

No, I invited him here. I want him to go!

I want him to go! I want him to stay!

I want him to stay! I want him to go!

Hey, listen, speak nice to her.

She's going to be your wife.

No. Can you go?

What's it like being short?

Do you like being short?

Josef, stop it. You're rude all the time.

What's the weather like down there, is it good?

Anyway...

What's the Spanish for "Go away, you fairy"?

Josef, stop it.

You have to say, "I love you" to her not this bad word.

I'm sorry? What do you have to say to her?

Listen, don't touch me.

I'm not touching you. Stop it!

Hey! Hey, hey!

I'm not touching you!

Josef, no, no!

No, no, no!

* Every sight and every sound... *

Now, listen, listen, please, please!

Stop it! Stop it! Please, listen, please.

Please, now listen to me.

You do not, you do not have an education

from a boy's boarding school

in the north of England and be the only gay boy there,

and not know how to handle yourself.

So if you move again, I'm going to break your arm.

Do you understand? Tell him to get off.

JESUS: He doesn't deserve you.

He'll be fine.

He just needs, he just needs to run it off.

JESUS: Sorry.

It's fine, it's fine.

So from the top.

I think we should just, you know...

Oh, God! No!

* Love is in the air... *

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

You stop it, you stop it!

And you stop it! Just stop it!

This is ridiculous.

It's just stupid!

I come here for this?

I was appalled by that and shocked.

It was, it was terrifying.

It was a terrifying experience.

It's in my top ten terrifying experiences.

It's just not what we're used to.

It's not the world we work in, really.

But you know, we showed them a few things

and we'll come out and show them more.

You showed them some things.

You-You stood up, you stood up for me,

and you stood up, you stood up for yourself.

It was amazing.

It was wonderful, Archie.

It's really wonderful.

You do know that.

I'm so proud of you.

Come on. Let's go.

We'll see you later. Bye.

Bye.

JOSEF: People don't like me, do they?

Josef, people like you.

Who? I like you.

You don't count.

Why not?

Well, you do count,

but you don't count in the people who like me.

Why not?

Because you obviously like me.

Well, do you like me?

Josef...

I don't like me.

Maybe that's the real problem.

Thank you, Dr. Freud.

Well, I'm just saying, you know,

I have a lot more experience.

I mean, I went to counseling. I stayed there.

I'm not going to counseling.

Don't start that again.

I'm just saying that, if you stayed a bit longer,

maybe we could have answered some of these questions.

You need, we're going to get you in a positive space right now.

I don't feel that you are.

Know what we've got?

You want to hold that for a while?

Hold it. Huh?

That's what we've got.

And we've got...

I won this ten years ago.

Hold this.

Come on. Hold it.

Look at me.

Mm! Come on!

Come on, Josef.

Give me the...

That's it.

BOTH: Hello.

Gregory, how are you doing?

BOTH: Nice to see you.

Hello, Sam, how are you?

Hi. This is Jen my sister.

Oh, hello. Hi.

How nice to meet you. Lovely.

So if you two lovebirds would like to flutter down with me.

Cool.

You two want to come as well?

Jen's coming as well.

Jen's, Jen's, um, Jen's really, really interested.

Jen's a professional choreographer.

Dance choreographer. A choreo...

She'd like to, she's gonna be choreographing the show.

Oh, what?

I've got loads of ideas 'cause I've done loads.

I've been, you know, a dancer for, like, 12 years,

so I've got loads of stuff, ideas worked out.

Yeah, we're sorry about the other lady,

but Jen really wants to do it.

Yeah.

Well, we have the best dance choreographer

in the country. Do you realize that?

I just explained... Well, we were just explaining

that, um, I'm actually a professional dancer...

Oh, really? ...and choreographer,

and, so, we've kind of come up with a few ideas.

Yeah.

And what we're kind of thinking is,

we've kind of got it kind of wrapped up really, you know.

I mean, I can show you a few of what we've got.

I'm not quite sure what the ideas are originally.

I'm a bit new to this.

Well, shall I...? Can you explain what it is?

Yeah.

'Cause I don't know that it is all wrapped up yet.

It's, it's like the theme that we've gone after, right,

is kind of '30s and '40s musicals.

Right. Fred Astaire and all that.

Exactly, exactly, yeah. Yeah.

Who's the water woman?

It's sort of like an Esther Williams style.

Oh, right, yes, hundreds of girls.

Exactly. A smaller version of that.

Kind of like that sort of thing.

It's like, you know, well, just, might as well.

Jen's, Jen's worked some moves out.

Right.

What it is like, just say you've got two rows of girls.

Like Busby Berkeley, they're all, like, the tinfoil dresses

and then it's like out, and the next girl out,

and the next girl, out.

And on the other side simultaneously,

all at the same time, out, next girl, out,

next girl out. Jen.

And then Matt and Sam can sink down and you know,

like the "Dream Ballet" in Oklahoma,

dream Laurey comes out, me, same costume, wig, so I'm Sam...

MATT: Jen.

You know, it just gives you an idea.

We do stuff like it on the ships all the time, you know.

If she'd like to do it, then that's fine, you know.

You don't need me.

What do you think about the "Dream Ballet" bit,

because that really works,

'cause Sam, you know, has physical dyslexia

and she's going to be all nervous.

What, sorry?

Well, Sam's got physical dyslexia.

What's that?

Well, she's, like, clumsy.

Clumsy? You mean, she can't dance?

Well, no, of course she can dance.

I'm not saying she can't dance.

We did a lot of dancing as kids.

I'm not saying she can't dance. We did competitions.

I think it's great, I think it's great that we've got Jen here

'cause I'm sure she can play a really strong role in this,

but I really feel that we've got Jenny here,

who is an expert in choreography as opposed to a dancer,

and we should be using her like we said.

You were an actress.

She's been working on the cruise ships for years.

Yeah, cruise ships, exactly.

That's the cruise ships. So what about all the dances she does?

Right. Who's a professional dancer? She is.

Right, and this choreographer is not a professional dancer?

I'm not saying that. All she wants to do

is help her sister on her wedding day.

Is something wrong with that?

No, there's nothing wrong with that. I don't think so.

But you know, this isn't just an ordinary wedding.

This is a competition. We've entered a competition.

We've got to abide by the rules of the competition.

It's still her wedding day.

Yeah, and it's my wedding day as well.

The most important day of her life.

And it's my important day as well.

I'm going to be your sister-in-law.

Have you thought about that?

Jesus, every night.

I know you're stressing and I know you're tired,

and I know you're getting up really, you know,

I know you're working hard and you-you...

and I'm totally amazed.

I'm about to get married.

I'm about to get married in a competition.

But you're being so lovely.

You're being so lovely,

and you're really putting your heart and soul into it.

Yeah, for you.

And I know that, but they don't know that.

They should know it.

Why don't they know it?

Because they've not met,

you know, they-they-they see it... They've not met me?

I've lived with your flippin' mum for nine months.

They will see it.

They will... Christ.

All I am saying is

that you need to just go and be a bit...

do a bit of diplomacy.

Yeah, I will, but...

But I love you and I'm completely with you

and I'm totally... day by day,

I'm just... amazed at how wonderful you are,

and, and... I'm so pleased to be marrying you.

( sighs )

SAM: I come down the aisle, you're waiting at the altar for me...

you know, in your top hat and tails with Snoopy,

you know, doing, you know, the sway, whenever I come down...

MATT: Yeah. you know, shuffling

down the aisle or whatever in time, hopefully.

And then we can meet up at the altar.

The other question is, that I'm worried about as well,

is who is going to take me down there?

What about your dad?

I don't... I...

You know, I'm not sure

if he's gonna be there to be honest.

I don't, I mean, at the moment

it doesn't look like he's going to be there, so...

Why? Well, because, he's obviously...

I haven't invited him, Mum hasn't invited him.

You haven't invited him.

Do you not want...? I'd like him to be there,

but obviously, I'm not in a position to...

To invite your dad to your wedding?

I'm not in a position to...

I'm not in a position to...

to do that.

You do want him there, don't you?

This is more...

Your dad being at your wedding

is more important than anything else we're talking about.

Or that your family being at your wedding

is more important than getting the song right.

I think your mum is gonna have to lump it

for four hours of her life.

( piano plays intro )

Feel this bit.

That's it, out.

( piano continues )

Run to each other and around, and turn out.

And back...

Hold his face.

( laughing )

I can hold his head like that.

Where's the... Where's Snoopy's bit?

Where's, we haven't done any of the music.

It's not all... it can't be this, surely, you know.

Because we've got a thing. * Da-da... *

Not that. It's bigger.

( plays tune ) * No more pathetic relationship *

* It makes me sick, so very sick *

* Your shining eyes like twisted wire *

* On the cover of a dirty magazine *

* Mouth full of razor blades *

* Tongue just like shining steel *

* You're making me ill *

* On the cover of a dirty magazine... *

( piano plays dainty love ballad )

Can you believe this?

I can do that bit. I can do the twiddly bit.

That's...

uh... not good.

But I mean, I thought that could be the big... Paul...

It's just not...

"Still Ill" it's called.

Steel eel. Still Ill, steel eel.

But what's it got to do with the wedding, Snoopy?

What's it got to do with getting married? Shiny. It's shiny.

Is that what you think I am?

You think I'm a girl on the cover

of a porno magazine?

No, it's not saying all that. With a steel tongue?

Is that what you're trying to say?

No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying... uh...

You're saying it's nomothetic.

Nomothetic. Yeah, yeah, good idea.

Relationship, it makes me sick.

So our relationship makes you sick? No, no.

Well, Snoopy,

if you want to sing that song at our wedding,

that's what it sounds like.

I'm not, I'm saying, everyone else's relationships,

normal, nomothetic. This is...

There is no nomothetic.

What does "pedantic" mean?

That's the whole thing. Snoopy...

that's an interesting question,

but it's not the time to work it out here. Listen to this.

( piano plays beautiful ballad ) * You're dragging me down *

* You're making me frown *

* Saw you crying in your sleep *

* Please don't cry *

* What does "pedantic" mean? *

Snoopy... Yeah, we're going to have...

you can do the lyrics.

Snoopy has a vital part to play in this wedding.

There's no doubt about that.

He is Matt's best friend and he's musically talented

and he's going to be there.

But this is going to be their dream wedding.

And I'm prepared to kill or maim for them to have that wedding.

Do you understand?

Do you understand me?

Can I help you come, my honey?

Oh, yes. Look at that.

Oh, she's looking a bit ragged, actually.

Oh, the squirrels are falling.

Didn't quite make the journey, but there you go.

And now, which way around?

We're all moving around now.

It's like Dunsinane, isn't it? Right.

I like the idea of that.

It's kind of Midsummer Night's Dream, isn't it?

Yes, that kind of thing--

fairies, Midsummer Night's Dream.

Uh, they would arrive...

Where's the couple?

Here we are. I think they're hiding.

They're hiding. Well, they're not going to be naked.

Well, this is the problem we're having at the moment.

It's sort of tricky convincing them, you know.

I'm not interested in convincing them.

This is what we need for our readership,

for the front cover. Yes.

We can't have nude people.

Vivien, it's fine if they're...

They're not going to be on the front cover,

because they're not going to win, are they?

I think we all know that.

Well, they may do.

I mean, they may do. This is just...

Well, they may not. I mean, don't write them off

just because they've got no clothes on.

What about having a little...

a bush, if you'll pardon the language,

a bush area that covers the...

A bush area? I had an idea.

How elegant is that going to be

on the front cover of the magazine?

Well, if it's sort of...

if the topiary is done properly,

I think it could be rather lovely.

Well, they're wearing...

I gave you an agenda.

The agenda is no nudes.

To begin with the dance is very formal.

Then...

more country.

( gasps ): Suddenly...

What's that? Bright lights.

What's that? A rumble, a rumble

or something. What's this?

What it is, is the arrival of your camper van.

And inside, you...

...are the queen of the fairies.

And me, Oberon like, as the king of the fairies,

emerge from the camper van.

The green man guides them, comforts them.

And he is, of course, our green man-slash-registrar.

And you're married.

Well, I just think that completely sucks.

I mean, that whole thing is rubbish.

I mean, this is our wedding we're talking about.

We can't be prancing around like berks.

We have a... a little problem here

that I think we ought to share with you.

That is that our brief, if you like,

is that your naturist wedding

must not be naked.

And that's come right from the top.

ANTONI: I really have to apologize. I mean,

I chose these people.

And it was, it was after lunch.

They were the best of a bad lot.

I had a couple glasses of wine and I think...

All right, Antoni, it's all right.

I think I've made an error of judgment.

Yeah, okay, we just need to deal with it now.

We just need to get them in a dress as I understand it.

Yes, we do. We absolutely do.

ANTONI: Michael, Joanna, lovely to see you.

VIVIEN: Come on in.

ANTONI: This gentleman is James Thursk.

He's our lawyer, and he sorts things out.

And I believe we've got some sorting out to do today.

Yeah.

Well, we've been talking, we found out the problem is

that we were asked for an idea for an original wedding,

and our idea was a naturist wedding.

And we found out recently that this is going to be

a naturist wedding featuring no nudity.

Mr. Thursk.

You can't really have expected

anyone to put naked people

on the cover of a magazine if they would. No.

I'm not talking about the cover of a magazine.

I'm talking about our wedding,

us getting married. Don't put us on the cover.

And as naturists, we know that

you can't be a bit naked.

You're either naked or you're not naked.

You're not naked now and you seem comfortable enough.

Is that some kind of challenge?

No, no. I don't think...

Antoni.

I don't think... Michael.

I hardly think...

Clearly, this is the problem.

I hardly think it's appropriate.

This isn't going to help anyone.

You're either naked or you're not naked.

Come on, stop it there, please.

Just leave it there.

We're trying to have a civilized discussion.

I am having a civilized discussion.

I'm having a civilized discussion.

What I'm saying is I can still have a civilized discussion

whether I'm dressed or not.

This is what he's becoming,

and it's impossible to live with.

I'm going to stay here until you write a new contract

that says that we can have the wedding

that you said that we could have.

I've got to tell you now

that's just not going to happen.

That simply isn't going to happen.

We cannot put out a magazine with people in it naked.

I'm sorry about that, but we simply cannot do it.

Okay, well... That is the end of the subject.

Yeah, I guess that is the end of it.

What we do is... I guess that's the end.

( groans ) Mr. Collier.

( door closes )

Joanna...

maybe if you just wore a wedding dress.

Look, I'm not even sure that I want to get married.

This is not what I dreamt of since I was a little girl.

It is not becoming what I wanted for a wedding.

He's sleeping in the kitchen at the moment.

What if you dressed yourself up to allure him?

I mean, maybe you've just been naked too much.

I mean, maybe you've just become immune to each other

because being so naked the whole time,

you've got used to your bodies.

There's no sort of magic. James?

There's something very romantic

about a wedding dress.

Well, if I can just start by simply explaining

why we're here, what it's all about.

We're here today to talk about

what it means to actually be getting married.

There's not really much to talk about.

I mean, you know, I felt that

what we were going to do was have a naturist wedding,

and that, that would involve people acting like naturists

aka being naked.

It's a.k.a. not aka.

And apparently, you know, not everybody feels the same way,

including the person I was hoping to marry.

I have expressed a, not just a made-up problem,

but a real issue with me, is that suddenly being naked

in front of non-naturists is not that easy.

MICHAEL: I keep telling you nobody is going to laugh.

Your body is the most eloquent expression

of how beautiful you are.

Please get it into your thick head how much I respect you.

Well, if you can just take "thick" out for a moment,

there were some very nice words there.

JOANNA: Right.

You can always pop one out and put another one back.

Let's take "thick" out then.

Let's take "thick" out.

Good, good.

Could you...

Could you... are you ready to shuffle up a bit, yet...

on the... settee?

Well done. Lovely.

Okay.

* I was walking along minding my business *

* When out of an orange-colored sky *

* Flash, bam, alakazam *

* Wonderful you came by *

* I was humming a tune drinking in sunshine *

* When out of an orange-colored view *

* Flash, bam, alakazam *

* I got a look at you *

* One look and I yelled "timber" *

* Watch out for flying glass *

* The ceiling fell in and the bottom fell out *

* I went into a spin *

* And I started to shout "I been hit" *

* This is it, this is it, I've been hit *

* I was walking along minding my business *

* And love came and hit me in the eye *

* Flash, bam, alakazam *

* Out of an orange-colored sky. *

The wedding planners are not giving us the same service

that they are getting.

They are getting a choreographer.

We've been told we're not allowed a choreographer.

Next?

Next point, they...

well, she had a makeover at the wedding fair,

before we made a fuss and I got Isabelle to have one. Yeah.

Yes, you did make a fuss.

They are getting resources that we are not getting.

They're getting all the... Is it rigged?

Is that what it's about?

VIVIEN: Oh, please.

Is it rigged? I mean...

Just tell us, because we...

Absolutely not. I mean, I'm...

Well, it doesn't seem like that from where we're sitting.

I'm the chair of the judging panel--

I've got the casting vote.

It will not be fixed.

You have the casting vote?

Yes.

So what do you... what do you, what are you looking for?

So, Isabelle, let's have a look at your nose.

Okay, should I...

Yes, please, can you look in the mirror?

Okay... JOSEF: I love that nose.

So what I see in your nose, they took the dorsum here,

the bridge is a little bit too wide and too flat, okay?

The nose is a little bit too short

and is pointing up too much.

And, uh, when I look at you, I see inside your nostrils.

And I personally don't like that.

Okay.

* I've played tennis all over *

* From Florida to Bosnia Herzegovina... *

I'll have to check what that country is called.

I don't think it's called that.

* But I've never met a girl as beautiful as Isabelle *

* More beautiful than Maria Sharapova *

* Felt like I was being torn apart by the hounds of hell *

* The day I fell in love with my Isabelle *

( humming )

* Isabelle. *

That's all really that I've got at the moment.

I think that's beautiful.

Here we go.

So, voilà.

That's your basic set as it were.

Your wedding area... Dark, isn't it?

Well, it'll be lit, obviously, it's not just this dark.

And here it's peopled with as you described to us before,

about maybe a little

canopy of people.

I don't know what you think. There'll be...

It just looks so dark to me. I don't like it.

If it's all going to be black...

Yes, but what I'm saying is that it will be lit.

For a wedding you don't want black walls and a black floor. No, these are star lights.

No.

These are star lights. Little stars.

I don't care.

That's a black floor and it's not right for a wedding.

That's my opinion, anyway. Agreed.

It makes it easier for you to stand out in whatever,

you know, in white or what I thought

particularly was using a color.

I just don't like the sounds of it, I'm sorry.

Well, go on, carry on, but I don't like it. Cheers, carry on.

I don't like the sound of it at all. Matt?

SAM'S MOTHER: A few flowers or something to cheer it up.

Flowers?

Flowers don't exist in this concept. In this theme.

Busby Berkeley was not full of flowers.

It's about angles, geometrics, art deco,

shaped bodies... She's nodding, she knows.

What about the lights? What are the lights for?

The great thing about spotlights in black

is that we'll just see you. We won't see the people

sort of hanging around.

Oh, what's the point in having people hanging around then?

Shut the fuck up!

Seriously, shut the fuck up, all right?

Matt, excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse? Excuse nothing.

I don't want language like that.

No, we had this out yesterday.

You, shut up. I beg your pardon.

Goodness me. Who the hell do you think you are?

MATT: We're losing the wedding planners now.

We're losing the wedding planners.

It's all gone pear shaped.

It's not all gone pear shaped, you put it pear shaped.

Your fault, not mine. You put it pear shaped!

Not Sam's, not Jen's.

You shouted as though you're on a barrel in a market.

If you want to come and see us, you two are getting married,

but we don't need to deal with your sister and your mother,

because it is not their wedding. So we won't do it.

You need to sort your sister out.

You need to sort her out. You don't have to be so rude.

Can you leave my house, please? It would be an absolute joy.

Sort her out?

Because, quite frankly, this green is giving me a headache.

Oh, speaking of headaches, here she comes.

Come on. Get out of my house.

Oh, my goodness, I tell you what. I've had it.

Enough, I've had enough.

Take care, take care. Thank you very much.

You need that house. You need that house.

I don't want to talk to her again. Do you understand me?

That makes two of us.

Thanks for coming over.

Have a safe journey.

Well, that was a fucking waste of time, wasn't it?

I tell you what, you might as well pack your bags and go.

You really upset me this time,

I tell you what.

You won't... you won't apologize and repair it this time.

Bugger off.

SAM: Matt's gone, right? He's gone out.

I don't know where he is.

He could be lying on a park bench somewhere,

and he's gone because of you.

Because of the way you behaved yesterday.

Don't say you're worried about him,

not after the way he behaved in here.

Shouting at your sister,

shouting at me, shouting in front of you.

Language like that? No.

He's shouting because he can't stand it anymore.

And I can't stand it anymore.

Stand what anymore, Sam? Stand people helping you?

Me and Mum trying to help?

Me coming back from the cruise

saying, "Oh, I'll do the choreography, I'll help out,

I'll be in, like, a dream ballet sequence."

Oh, I was so pleased when I heard

you were coming back from the cruise.

I was so excited to see you.

And then you come back and you just try and take over.

It's like you don't trust that I can do it on my own.

I've had to sit there and watch you and clap you

with half a flamingo coming out of your head.

"Look at Jen, look at Jen." And it's my turn now.

I want to have a chance. I want to have a chance.

I want it to be me and Matt. Me and Matt getting married,

loving each other, getting married in that spotlight.

Give me one day, just one chance to have my day, my wedding day

and I want you to be there loving me and supporting me.

Not making me feel like some idiot.

Hello.

* I love dancing *

Morning, Matthew. * Crazy romancing... *

Hello.

Cheers. It's lovely.

* Marriage is for old folks *

* Old folks, not for me *

* One husband, one wife *

* What do you got *

* Two people sentenced for life. *

You're not the first person seen up here before a wedding--

freaking out.

No? No.

You've just got to accept the fact that it's a stressful time,

and take some time out

and look after yourself and look after her

and don't get so wound up with it all.

You need a bit of me time. It's what you need.

It's very difficult, it's so much pressure,

particularly with this.

( woman singing )

What is that?

Jesus Christ.

What are you... What are you doing?

Stop it.

* I love you... *

( laughing )

It's Julie Andrews.

Fly, my Romeo, fly.

Oh! * True love, true love... *

He's coming down, he's coming down.

Archie, look. The lovebirds.

That's beautiful.

* True love, true love. *

Oh, Archie.

* Summer breeze and blue, blue sky *

* Memories of that beautiful delight *

* Driving madly in the sun *

* Playing games and having fun together, smiling... *

Just put something on, please.

Joanna, I'm not going to get dressed

just because your mother is coming, all right?

I'll have to take her somewhere else then.

It's our hotel room.

When I go to her house,

then I'll put some clothes on.

Dubsy, darling.

How are you, sweetheart?

Good, thank you. Good.

How are you? I'm fine.

What have they done to you then?

Where have they put you here?

Oh, it's quite nice.

It is nice.

Sweetheart, you're looking thinner.

Thank you.

Well done! That's excellent.

Right.

I've had a long day, so it's lovely to be here.

There you are, sweetie.

Hello. Oh, hello.

Mrs. Roberts... Well, I suppose now I should call you Mom,

really, shouldn't I?

Pleasant trip?

Oh, my God.

Look at them.

That's ridiculous.

Don't say that.

That is absolutely ridiculous.

Here, move over.

I'm almost on these chairs here.

You ready, Mum?

See? I don't know where Matt's coming from.

Is that him? Is that us, Jenny? Is this us?

Five, six, seven, eight, go.

Go!

Lower the arm.

Oh, my God.

What's he doing here?

Oh, no. I don't believe it.

How come he knew about it?

Who's been talking to him?

That's what I want to know.

Well, Matt obviously knew about it.

I could have been warned.

I could have been warned.

You all right?

Don't get upset, Mum. Don't get upset.

'Cause then it's like he's winning.

You all right, Dave?

You never said.

I wasn't sure if he was gonna come,

but I'm really glad he's here.

Shall we get on?

Well, it would have been nice

if you could have told me

that your dad was gonna be here.

Sorry.

Is he gonna be dancing?

Yeah. No.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Up, down, up, down.

Up, two, three.

Go!

One, two, three, four.

And run. Good. Very good. Perfect.

Five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Kick!

I'm sorry, but...

Keep going! Keep going!

He's too close to me.

Up, two, three, four. And up.

For God's sakes, Dave.

Do me a favor?

I'm trying my best.

How can anyone be so insensitive?

I'm standing here next to you.

Punched me in the back of the head.

I'm not Fred Astaire.

Pushing me like that.

I'm not Ginger Rogers, you know?

And if you're not pushing me, I can feel the...

You're making me lose me balance.

Chris, there's only a little bit of room

we've all got, darling.

We're all gonna have to try...

What I'm saying is...

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

He's standing right next to me.

Bish, bash, bosh, bish!

It's very hard. It's very hard.

Making me wobble over. I'm doing me best.

All of us, all right? We've all got to try.

If you were a bit more sensitive to what was happening...

And...

Hi! Hi, guys.

What happened?

What do you mean?

What's happened to your face?

The nose job. Nose job.

This is just protecting it.

But it's next week.

How long's that on for? It's gonna be fine.

Don't worry about her nose.

We're worried about the time.

That's not what we're worried about.

We're not worried about this anymore.

I'm only worried about it

because I had to pay for it myself.

Right. Cliff Richards?

Very possibly.

What do you mean, possibly? Yes or no?

Well, he's out of the country,

but he said that, if he can get back, he will.

And, if not, he's got somebody else he'll send,

who, apparently, is more like him than he is. So that's...

Big ball? The big ball?

We've got you a big ball. We've got the big ball.

The big ball? Where is it?

It's arriving on the day.

On the day?

It's 1,000 pounds a day.

How many... how many... how many ball boys?

Six. Or possibly even eight.

Choreographer?

We're still... We're still talking to her.

We're still talking to her.

It's just that we've got so many things to do.

We've got so many weddings...

If we can get a shape, right?

Because we haven't really got the budget

to get a choreographer in to do the whole thing,

but if we can get... Listen to me.

If we can get a shape to it, on the day,

we can get her in, hopefully.

We're talking to her.

She's doing it. We can get her in,

and she can tidy it up at the end.

Right, but she's very busy

with the 42 dancers in the other wedding.

It's just that she is the choreographer,

and the choreographer is used to create...

Choreograph.

Dance. Dance pieces.

And provide ideas. Yes, but, but...

Provide ideas. No, no, no.

That's what couples do who want to get married.

We have given our ideas!

Where have your ideas been?

We gave you... We gave you...

We wanted dancer ball boys,

we wanted you to arrive in a net,

we wanted you to look beautiful in Edwardian clothes,

and everything was thrown out.

No, you didn't. What ideas? When? When? When?

You never said anything about...

We came to you at your club and said,

"Entrance of a lot of ball boys

to prepare your arena for you."

It's not our fault that you don't

have enough friends to bring along

who can do these things for you.

Fuck you!

Oh, no, please, Isabelle, please.

No. We have friends.

Well, where are they?

Fuck off about the friends!

It's not about friends.

Of course it is.

On the day, we need people.

They can't make it!

Her family are from Canada.

Do you know how far away that is?

We can't afford to fly them over.

We can't afford it because we've had to spend

all our money on her... nose.

Thanks very much.

Oh, Arch, come on. Don't be silly.

Come on. Don't be silly.

I'm sorry. Oh, come on.

It's not your fault.

I hate being shouted at.

Silly sausage.

Silly sausage, it's not your fault.

They'll come back.

Come on, my big bag.

Don't be silly. Come on. Don't be silly.

* The rest of your life... *

Oh, they're coming back.

Don't let them see you like this.

Don't let them see you like this.

Oh, why not?

They just think I'm a stupid poof anyway.

Don't be stupid.

I'm the poof. You're the straight man.

Don't be silly.

I'm sorry. It's okay now.

I just wonder how long before she gets sick of me really.

Before she, uh...

you know, especially if we don't win the competition,

I've got nothing to offer her really.

I'm at the end of my tennis career,

and I've got no money.

Okay.

And I don't know whether,

you know, whether in a year's time,

she'll still want to be married,

you know, if I'm...

if I haven't provided anything good for her,

or, you know, if I'm not winning any tennis matches.

They're under huge pressure, these, you know, these people,

to-to sort of have the perfect wedding,

and they... and...

So it's natural that they should take that out

on us a bit, I suppose, really.

That's, you know...

If you don't like it,

then we wouldn't be doing it, would we?

You're tired, aren't you?

Sorry?

You're just tired.

We're just tired.

No, I'm not tired. Really I'm fine.

Tell Mr. Izetski to ring me. I won't ring again, and he...

The wedding's really soon.

He wanted to come.

Okay?

Josef Warrell.

You have my number.

Thank you.

Do you like it?

Yeah.

You don't. I do.

Why are you crying?

Don't cry, don't cry.

It's good?

No, I do like it. Don't cry.

It's okay.

I like it, I love it.

You do?

Yeah. It's just a bit of a shock.

Do you want to see it from the side?

Okay. Okay.

You look gorgeous.

Gorgeous.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm tremendous.

Terribly exciting, isn't it?

VIVIEN: How can that nose go on a front cover?

Well, I... I didn't say it specifically,

but I implied, change it for the better.

Well, it wasn't for the better, was it?

It's ever so subtle. I know, I know.

( whispers ): It's fucking out here.

I know. It looks like it broke and then they reset it.

Is that the mother over that way?

She's not going to be naked, is she?

No.

No one wants to see that.

Who's that?

VIVIEN: That's the sister.

Sister of who?

Really? Yes.

Are you insisting that they wear clothes now?

I think it would be better. I too. I couldn't agree with you more.

Now look, let's stop this silly stuff, shall we?

Oh, a woman of my own heart. Let's just stop it.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, just, you're looking at the view. I've heard that one.

Yeah, went up to see the view.

I wasn't born yesterday. Mum.

Well, I'm just I can assure you...

Jen. Do you think Jen would be that cheap to go upstairs

with a stranger and have sex?

Mum, excuse me, we're going up there talking.

I'm saying that I'm defending her.

I mean, she's a... This is my little girl, here...

And I can assure you, sir, that-that nothing...

Vivien? Vivien?

Uh, so, uh, here's to a wonderful day.

Here's to Confetti.

ALL: Hear, hear.

Oh, look, look.

Somebody set this right-handed.

Okay, but it's good, it's good.

It's lovely, it's lovely.

It's just detail, it's just detail.

Start getting ready now.

I'm getting ready, love. All right.

We have... Getting ready. Look up. What's this?

Oh, they need to come out, you need to be...

They need to come out. Go see Marella. Go see Marella now.

( chattering )

Is everybody all right? You all right?

Yeah, yeah. But, pet, you're a bit short of numbers here.

I think there are a few people that have disappeared?

Oh, they've just gone to the loo, yeah. They had to go.

Please, please, just make the loo run and nothing else.

All right. All right?

You look absolutely fabulous, all of you. Yes.

You look smashing, too. All the best...

So do you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Can't say I hope you win, 'cause I don't.

I don't want you to win, but anyway, good luck with it.

Hope it goes well. Yeah, I hope yours goes well, I really do.

Yeah, thanks. Is everything all right?

Fingers crossed. There's no panic in the camp?

No, it's lovely. Is it?

I don't... I'm really worried about it. What is it?

I just don't know if I can do it,

'cause, I mean, I feel really...

Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no. No.

Oh, just 'cause of the singing and stuff.

Sam-Sam, be fine, darling.

Sam, listen to me, listen to me. Breathe.

Your singing...

I'm going to be sick, I'm going to be sick.

I'm going to be sick. Sam, do you want me to come?

Look, I'm going to be sick. Sam?

Keep her hair away from her face if she's sick. Okay.

Otherwise, you get sick on the hair.

If it's something different,

if it's something that you'd like,

and you think, "Well, this is...

"this is something new.

I haven't seen this before."-- now that's,

that's regardless of whether you like it or not.

If you hate it, step back and say,

"Well, that was original, but I didn't like it." Yeah.

Just popped by to say, on behalf of Confetti Magazine,

the best wishes, all right?

Thanks. Thank you.

And I think you've got a very, very strong chance.

All right? Right.

Thank you very much...

Smashing, yeah.

Yeah, if, um...

Yes, if-if you keep your clothes on.

See you later.

What I'm about to say now is not meant

as a criticism, I swear to you,

but, you know, you're sort of painted brown,

and some of the...

It's just like it...

There's a line, and I don't know if you...

If you noticed it and you wanted to change it...

Maybe you didn't notice it.

But I know you're a perfectionist,

and I-I would have thought you might want to change it--

'cause you're a perfectionist, you know what I mean?

What do you mean? And you want to look

as good as you can look.

Yeah, I know, a fake tan's in.

I've just outdone it.

I know, but that looks a bit lighter.

Yeah, but you don't get brown palms when you sunbathe.

You don't sunbathe like that, do you?

You don't, but also, not everyone looks like Biffo the Bear,

'cause, I mean, there's a sort of brown and there's a-- huh?

We have to win.

We have to win.

So we will win. We will win.

Come on, Josef.

Come on.

Do you want to go through it?

All right.

What if we lose?

We're not gonna lose!

Why? We're not going to lose!

How do we know? Because we're winners!

We are winners!

We are gonna win this.

They'll kill us out there.

ANTONI: Right. Well,

I'm sure you'll all agree with me

when I say marriage is about commitment,

and we at Confetti Magazine

are committed to pushing the envelope in weddings.

Today is about doing new and exciting weddings,

things that maybe you haven't seen before.

Now, I know the couples are backstage now.

I know you can hear me.

Do remember, the work is over now.

Everything is prepared.

So just relax,

take a breath and get ready to enjoy yourselves.

Let's move on to our first wedding.

I think, I think it's taking place over here.

You can probably guess what the theme is.

Ladies and gentlemen, Confetti gives you Josef and Isabelle.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Wimbledon

on this absolutely glorious summer's day.

There's a palpable sense of excitement

here amongst this full house.

A real buzz around center court.

This really does promise to be the most wonderful occasion.

( cheers and applause )

And here they are!

Here they come!

* What a day this has been *

* What a rare mood I'm in *

* Why it's almost like being in love *

* And there's this smile on my face *

* For the whole human race *

* Why, it's almost like being in love *

* And all the music of life seems to be *

* Like a bell that is ringing for me... *

Who will call? I will.

Heads.

Sorry, it's tails.

I'll serve.

Josef Cecil Warrell has won the toss and elected to serve.

( applause )

( cheers )

Quiet, please.

And play.

I, Josef Cecil Warrell, know of no legal reason

why I may not be married to Isabelle Francis Fontaine.

JUDGE: 15-love.

I, Isabelle Francis Fontaine, know of no legal reason

why I cannot be married to Josef Cecil Warrell.

JUDGE: 15 all.

I, Josef Cecil Warrell, take you,

Isabelle Francis Fontaine, to be my lawfully wedded wife.

JUDGE: 30-15.

I, Isabelle Francis Fontaine, take you, Josef Cecil Warrell,

to my lawful, legal husband.

JUDGE: 30 all.

New balls, please.

* Love is in the air *

* In the whisper of the trees... *

Isabelle.

I've never won a tournament, but I don't care,

because I've won you.

JUDGE: 40-30.

I know it's not been possible

to have any friends or family here today,

but that doesn't matter because you're here,

and that's all I'll need now and forever.

JUDGE: Deuce.

Isabelle,

I can't promise I'll never be jealous again.

I can promise that I'll look after you

and love you till the day I die.

* Love is in the air *

* Love is in the air... *

Josef Cecil Warrell, Isabelle Francis Fontaine

it gives me great pleasure to pronounce you...

( thundering )

Well, what a shame...

ANTONI: The covers are going on.

Looks like a passing shower,

so hopefully it will not...

What's this?

Someone's standing up.

It's Cliff Richards!

Oh, my goodness.

He's going to sing!

What a privilege to be here.

* I've got myself a cryin', talkin' *

* Sleepin', walkin', livin' doll *

* I've got to do my best to please her *

* Just 'cause she's my livin' doll *

* I've got a roving eye yeah, that is why *

* She satisfies my soul *

* I've got my one and only *

* Walkin' talkin', living doll *

( cheers, applause )

* Love is in the air *

* Love is in the air *

* Oh, whoa... *

JUDGE: Game, set and match.

* Love is in the air. *

You could try a bit harder.

I am trying, but this isn't what we wanted to do, is it?

I've had everybody telling us what we have to do.

Sticking stuff on us.

I've got leaves stuck in places

I didn't know existed.

Yeah, well, how do you think I feel?

That's what they've done to me.

Right, well, ladies and gentlemen,

as if that wasn't a treat enough,

and I think it really was, we got three weddings

to get through, and I can scarcely believe it,

we're, we're on to our second.

This one's very interesting.

Um... I love it. I love the concept.

I've not seen anything yet, but I love the idea.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Michael and Joanna.

( cheers, applause )

* I lay before you all I have to offer *

* King of my heart *

* I need to know you, and I need to love you *

* Oh, king of my heart *

* And you're king... and you're king *

* And you're king and you're king *

* So I'm queen when you're king in my heart *

* And it's love, and it's love *

* That I lay at your feet, at your feet *

* King of my heart *

* I love you, king of my heart *

* How I love you, king of my heart. *

Oh, tops.

I vow to never make you

cover up for shame or fear or duty.

You'll never need to shed your clothes

for me to see your beauty.

I won't ignore our differences

but let them just connect.

MICHAEL: One word for that is "compromise."

The better one's "respect."

They drove you mad, but do not fear,

for now you have a wife.

Your husband's here, screw them, my dear,

their wedding, but-- our life.

For you join the dots between the stars,

like a pan of Heaven's manna,

you make two houses into one, you join me up, Joanna.

You're like an angel overhead,

but with me on a cycle.

Come live with me and be my love,

my Gabriel, my Michael.

Ladies and gentlemen, now that Michael and Joanna

have exchanged head rings

and promised themselves to each other,

the solemn moment has come for the couple

to make their marriage contract.

If you'd please all stand.

I call upon these persons here present

to witness that I, Michael Gabriel Collier...

I call upon these persons here present

to witness that I, Michael Gabriel Collier

do take thee, Joanna Martha Roberts,

to be my lawful wedded wife.

I call upon these persons here present

to witness that I, Joanna Martha Roberts,

do take thee, Michael Gabriel Collier,

to be my lawful wedded husband.

It gives me great pleasure

to pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

( bicycle bell ringing )

Woo-hoo!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was

Michael and Joanna, and I think we can all, uh...

Well, let's all raise our glasses to them,

the happy couple,

Michael and Joanna.

What a wonderful, wonderful thing. Whoo!

( laughter )

Listen, everyone, we're not going to worry about the steps,

we're not going to worry about the tune.

We're just gonna have fun, all right?

We're just gonna, you know,

none of us are singers, none of us are dancers.

Well, I am. Sorry, you are.

I'm nervous of forgetting that bit.

That's the bit. But you know what,

you know what, it doesn't matter.

When we went through it before, I got it all wrong.

And for all I know, I'll let you down. No, no, Mom.

Don't worry. Girls, girls.

this is stage fright.

I've seen it a thousand times.

I don't want to let you down, darling, that's it.

Calm, deep breaths.

This is going to be something fabulous.

We're going to do a wonderful show. Yeah.

For once in your life, Jen, I think you're right.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to give

the warm reception you gave the other two

to our final couple.

It is Matt and Sam.

( cheering ) All right! Yeah!

I love you.

Love you, too.

All right.

( cheering continues )

( timpani rolling )

( horns, woodwinds playing fanfare )

* A beautiful girl makes the world *

* A beautiful place *

* Nothing compares to her adultly style *

* And grace *

* Her smile *

* Lights up a room *

* Her voice is a lovely tune *

MEN: * The way she walks *

* Her hair, her eyes *

* And her fabulous face *

* Yes, a beautiful girl *

* Makes the world *

* A beautiful place... *

( band plays "Wedding March" )

Hi, you two.

Matthew Norris,

Samantha Winston, marriage, according

to the law of this country is the union

of one man and one woman,

voluntarily entered into for life

to the exclusion of all others.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

Matthew and Samantha are going

to make their marriage vows through the medium of song.

* I promise to love you *

* I promise to care for you *

* I promise to always make you laugh *

* I give you my love always *

* To have and to hold always *

* Our life to unfold *

* As man and wife *

* Always *

* Always *

* I give you my love * * I promise *

* For always * * To love you *

* To have and to hold * * I promise to care *

* For you * * For always *

* Our life to unfold as man and wife * * I promise to make you laugh *

* Always *

* Always *

* I do *

* Me, too. *

( cheering and applause )

( music ends, applause )

ANTONI: Once again, to each of the couples,

thank you so much for sharing this day with us.

It's been so wonderful for us.

It's been really good of you to open up your...

your most precious day to our magazine Confetti.

Thank you so much.

Smile, look as if we're winners.

They're not gonna give it to us

if we look like we're losers.

Right.

First off, let's go through couple by couple.

Couple by couple.

The judge in the green suit seems to be a fan.

JOANNA: He was lovely, wasn't he?

He kept saying well done. Ah.

Just want to say congratulations.

Thank you. Thanks very much.

Good luck anyway. Thank you.

Congratulations.

Bye.

Have a drink later. Yeah.

They are so two-faced.

Well, it's the innovation,

that was pretty initiative, wasn't it? Let's all put down a score...

Well, it was original enough.

In that you wouldn't do it again.

You look so beautiful.

So do you.

You've got a great body.

Thanks so much.

I had to tell him to stop looking at your bum.

They know they won that's why they came over.

No, they don't know they won. Yes, they do.

They have not won. They have not necessarily won.

We can still win, for God's sake.

Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please.

The judging panel have reached a verdict

and Vivien, the editor of the magazine,

has the golden envelope.

And, uh, I think it would be churlish

not to let her do the honor.

She's done so much of the work for this,

so, Vivien, over to you.

Okay.

And the winner is...

( drumroll )

Yes!

Matt and Sam.

( cheering )

( orchestra playing )

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Fix! It's a fix.

ANTONI: No, not really the time.

It's a fix.

Josef, it is not the time.

Don't be a bad loser.

Don't be a bad loser. It's a fix!

It's not one of your tennis matches. Donkey!

It was a fair and square competition

run by Confetti Magazine.

I object to that in the strongest possible terms.

Please, let Matt and Sam have their moment.

Matt and Sam, round of applause for Matt and Sam.

Matt and Sam.

Now I've got the key, I've got the key

to a half a million pound house

for Matt and Sam, our winners!

Winning fair and square.

* Heaven *

* I'm in heaven *

* And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak *

* And I seem to find the happiness I seek *

* When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek *

* Heaven *

* I'm in heaven *

* And the cares that hung around me through the week *

* Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak *

* When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek *

( rock music playing )

* Oh, I'd love to climb a mountain *

* And to reach the highest peak *

* But it doesn't thrill me half as much *

* As dancing cheek to cheek... *

( church bells ringing )

ANTONI: Since that competition, I've trusted my intuition,

I've trusted in my dreams,

because you have an idea like that, and you run with it,

and it's that big a success.

And you think, well, just trust in yourself and go for it.

So what I've done is I've taken some of the profit

from that competition, the success of it,

and, uh, I've invested it in music.

Not just a couple of CDs.

I bought a record label, and, you know, doing some A&R.

( upbeat melody playing )

* One looks for happiness *

* One longs to find a partner *

* One knows that nowadays *

* One love will be the answer... *

MATT: Oh, please, God, you know,

the deeds are going to come through soon.

They've told us, haven't they, not to worry.

They've told us it's all all right, it's all okay.

But of course you never actually can believe it

until you're there in your new home. Yeah.

So, you know, we're keeping our fingers crossed.

Yeah.

* One love * * One love *

* Only one * * Only one *

* One love * * One love... *

I would say to anyone thinking of getting married,

do it if you are doing it

for the reason that you just love the other person.

* One love *

* While we're still living. *

I went in to a bit of a decline after the weddings.

Post-nuptial depression.

Didn't get out of bed for four weeks.

It hit him pretty hard. Yeah, very hard.

JOSEF: But we're over that.

I'm coaching now.

ISABELLE: He's fantastic.

Watching him with children.

The forehand is this, there, there, there.

Got it? Right. Go away.

ISABELLE: And now we're thinking about having one of our own.

Yeah. Who knows what...

nose they'll get.

* One nose * * One nose *

* And only one * * Only one *

* One nose * * One nose *

* And no misgivings *

* One love * * One love *

* Only one love * * One love... *

( volume increases and decreases )

Mainly, we just sort of found out that the only people

we really need to be naked in front of is each other.

I mean, we don't really call ourselves naturists anymore. No.

We call ourselves...

Well, I call myself Michael. And I'm Joanna.

And, yeah, that seems to work better.

Better, I think.

* One love * * One love *

* Only one love * * One love *

* One love *

* While we're still living... *

Um...

You can't do this, are you?

Are you doing, are you really doing this?

Shh, be quiet.

This is my bit.

Gregory Hough...

Um, I...

Will you marry me?

Is that the right hand?

It's actually...

* One love * * One love *

* Only one love * * One love *

* One love *

* While we're still living... *

One love.

Peace.

Don't stand around on the edges of other people's weddings,

crying at pretty brides and thinking,

"Oh, wouldn't it be nice if..."

You see what you want, go and get it.

So that's what we're doing,

and that's what you should do.

Heron and Hough...

BOTH: Your dreams are enough.

* And only one * * Only one *

* One love * * One love *

* With no misgivings *

* One love * * One love *

* Only one love * * One love *

* One love *

* While we're still living... *

You were great.

You were.

* One looks for happiness *

* One longs to find a partner *

* One knows that nowadays *

* One love will be the answer *

* One sees a crazy world *

* One needs a fresh perspective *

* One comes to realize *

* One love's a true objective *

* One seeks a perfect love *

* One learns to tell the difference *

* One finds in consequence *

* One love is all that makes sense *

* One hopes there'll be a way *

* One peers into the distance *

* One thinks that come what may *

* One love will be the best chance *

* One love * * One love *

* And only one * * Only one *

* One love * * One love *

* To last forever *

* One love * * One love *

* Only one love * * One love *

* One love *

* It's now or never *

* One tries to draw a line *

* One draws a swift conclusion *

* One tells oneself in life *

* One love is the solution *

* One falls in love at last *

* One celebrates the meeting *

* One always will because *

* One love cannot be beaten *

* One love * * One love *

* And only one * * Only one *

* One love * * One love *

* With no misgivings *

* One love * * One love *

* Only one love * * One love *

* One love *

* While we're still living *

* One tries to draw a line *

* One draws a swift conclusion *

* One tells oneself in life *

* One love is the solution *

* One falls in love at last *

* One celebrates the meeting *

* One always will because *

* One love cannot be beaten *

* One love * * One love *

* And only one * * Only one *

* One love * * One love *

* To last forever *

* One love * * One love *

* Only one love * * One love *

* One love *

* It's now or never *

* One love * * One love *

* And only one * * Only one *

* One love * * One love *

* With no misgivings *

* One love * * One love *

* Only one love * * One love *

* One love *

* While we're still living. *

( music ends )