Original subtitles

[ SOUL MUSIC PLAYS ] WELCOME TO

"THE JAMES BROWN SHOW, " STARRING ME - JAMES BROWN!

[ CHUCKLES ] WATCH THE "JAMES BROWN" DANCERS

DO THE JAMES BROWN TO THE JAMES BROWN MUSIC.

AND AS WE TAKE A PAUSE FOR THE CAUSE, GET READY AND LISTEN AND

GET DOWN TO NEW JAMES BROWN HIT, CALLED "BOOTY SWEAT," FROM THE

BOOTY SWEAT OF MY OWN BROW!

THAT'S RIGHT - THE HARDEST-WORKING MAN IN SHOW

BUSINESS, MR. JAMES BROWN HIMSELF!

HA HA HA HA!

HEY!

[ SPEAKING GIBBERISH ] ...IN THE HAIR DRYER.

HE-HE-E-E-E-E-E-E-Y!

DICK CLARK FROM "AMERICAN BANDSTAND"?!

AHHH!

>> WORD ON THE STREET IS YOU WERE READY TO GET ON UP AND DO

YOUR OWN THING, SO I THOUGHT I'D PAY MY RESPECTS.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

YOU AIN'T - YOU AIN'T GOT TO PAY ME NOTHIN'!

YOUR "AMERICAN BANDSTAND" TOOK ME FROM THE CHITLIN' CIRCUIT AND

GAVE ME NATIONAL EXPOSURE.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE "CHILDREN'S CIRCUS" OR "VAGINAL

ENCLOSURES" HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING, BUT MY

"AMERICAN BANDSTAND" TOOK YOU FROM THE CHITLIN' CIRCUIT AND

GAVE YOU NATIONAL EXPOSURE.

NOW YOU WANT TO MUSCLE IN ON MY TERRITORY?

>> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

HOT COMB! MAKES ME HOT!

>> I'M DICK CLARK!

I RUN "AMERICAN BANDSTAND"!

AT ONE TIME, I CONTROLLED EVERYTHING!

THEN CAME RHYTHM.

THEN CAME BLUES.

THEN CAME "SO-O-O-O-O-UL TRAIN."

BUT DON CORNELIUS ISN'T REASONABLE.

HE DOESN'T PAY RESPECTS.

NOW MY BREAD AND MY RATINGS ARE DOWN AND DROPPING, SO I NEED TO

TAKE OVER NI- BLACK MUSIC.

>> GOOD GOD! NOT BLACK MUSIC!

>> CHER.

>> ♪ I SAID PLEASE, PLEASE OWWWW!

♪ PLEASE NO, NOT NOW, MAN!

PLEASE, MR. CLARK, MAKE ME AN OFFER THAT I CAN'T REFUSE!

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID, BUT I'M GONNA MAKE YOU AN

OFFER YOU CAN'T REFUSE.

YOU GO AND TELL THAT DON CORNELIUS EITHER HE STOPS

THAT SOUL TRAIN OR I'M GONNA RUN IT OFF THE TRACKS.

[ CHUCKLES ] GET IT?

"RUN IT OFF THE TRACKS"?

[ LAUGHTER ] CAUSE IT'S A TRAIN -

A SOUL TRAIN?

>> [ LAUGHS ] YEAH!

>> THAT WASN'T A JOKE, JAMES.

"SO-O-O-O-O-UL TRAIN'S" DAYS ARE DONE.

DICK CLARK'S "AMERICAN BANDSTAND" WILL TAKE

OVER BLACK MUSIC FOREVER!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ] >> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE!

>> ♪ HE'S DYNAMITE ♪ SO DYNAMITE

♪ OOOHHH, OOOHHH ♪ OOOHHH

♪ AHHHH ♪ HE'S DYNAMITE

♪ DY-NO, DY-NO ♪ OOOHHH, OOOHHH

♪ OOOOHHHH ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE!

>> THIS WEEK...

[ SIREN WAILING ] >> Cream Corn: UNH! AH!

GIT IT, GIT IT, GIT IT!

UNH! AH! RIGHT ON!

[ DOOR OPENS ] >> Black Dynamite: CREAM CORN,

WHAT IS FRED BERRY AND THE "SOUL TRAIN" GANG DOING IN MY

LIVING ROOM, AND WHY ARE THEY DANCING WHERE MY LIVING ROOM IS?

>> Cream Corn: UNH! HA!

THEY HELPING ME PRACTICE SO I CAN BECOME A

"SOUL TRAIN" DANCER.

I BEEN WANTIN' TO BE A "SOUL TRAIN" DANCER ALL MY LIFE!

ONLY THE BEST MAKE IT ON THAT SHOW.

>> Black Dynamite: LOOK, THAT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA, CREAM CORN.

BESIDES, NO SELF-RESPECTING MAN WOULD BE CAUGHT DEAD IN AN

OUTFIT LIKE THAT.

>> Cream Corn: GOOD THING I AIN'T GOT NO SELF-RESPECT!

>> Black Dynamite: YOU LOOK LIKE A DAMN LAWN JOCKEY.

NOW, I GOT WORK TO DO.

EITHER YOU TELL THEM, "SCRAM, SPLIT, SHAKE THE SCENE, YOU

TURKEYS, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE," OR I'MA DO IT!

>> Cream Corn: MAN!

I'LL SEE Y'ALL TONIGHT.

>> GET ME A SANDWICH, RAJ!

>> Cream Corn: IS THIS REALLY ALL ABOUT ME LOOKIN' LIKE A LAWN

JOCKEY, BLACK DYNAMITE?

'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'VE WORN WORSE SHIT THAN THIS.

>> Black Dynamite: YES.

WELL, THAT AND THE "SOUL TRAIN" KLAN AIN'T NOTHING TO

FUCK WITH!

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF COMMITMENT YOU'RE MAKING.

>> Cream Corn: SURE, I DO.

THAT'S WHY I'M PRACTICING!

>> Black Dynamite: DON CORNELIUS AND "SOUL TRAIN" IS MUCH MORE

THAN IT SEEMS, AND, BELIEVE ME, YOU DON'T WANT TO END UP ON THE

WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS.

GET IT?

WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS 'CAUSE I-IT'S A TRAIN AND -

UH, NEVER MIND.

>> Cream Corn: YEAH, I GET IT.

YOU JUST DON'T GET ME.

>> ♪ HEY, HEY, HEY >> ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S THE LEGENDARY GLADYS KNIGHT & THE PIPS HERE

ON DICK CLARK'S "AMERICAN BANDSTAND"!

THIS AIN'T "SOUL TRAIN," AND I AIN'T DON CORNELIUS, 'CAUSE

YOU'D NEVER GET THIS MUCH SOUL ON "SO-O-O-O-O-"

>> SO, DICK CLARK, IT'S A MUSIC WAR YOU WANT.

>> EXCUSE ME, SIR.

JAMES BROWN IS HERE TO SEE YOU.

>> MR. DON CORNELIUS...

[ SPEAKING GIBBERISH ] >> HE THINKS HE CAN DISRESPECT

ME?

HE THINKS THAT "AMERICAN BANDSTAND" CAN MUSCLE

IN ON MY TERRITORY?

IF YOU WERE UNDER MY PROTECTION, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY...

[ SNORES ] ...ABOUT ANYBODY TAKING YOUR

SHOW.

>> WELL, WHO IS YOUR PROTECTION?

>> THESE ARE DON'S CORNHOLES, AND TRUST ME - DICK DON'T WANT

TO FUCK WITH MY CORNHOLES.

>> HELP ME, DON CORNELIUS!

YOU MY ONLY HOPE!

>> ARE YOU A FRIEND TO ME?

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN ON MY "SOUL TRAIN"?

>> NONE, GODFATHER DON!

[ SPEAKING GIBBERISH ] CHICKEN!

>> LISTEN. SOMEDAY - AND THAT DAY MAY NEVER COME -

I WILL CALL UPON YOU TO DO A SERVICE FOR ME.

I WILL EXPECT YOU TO DELIVER.

>> ANYTHING FOR YOU, DON CORNELIUS!

>> KISS THE PINKY.

MMM.

MM-MM-MMM.

TAKE YOUR SHOW TO ATLANTA.

YOU'LL BE SAFE THERE.

I'LL HANDLE THIS LITTLE DICK. ..CLARK AND HIS HOMOGENOUS

HOOLIGANS.

>> OWWW! I FEEL GOOD! HA HA!

>> DICK WON'T FEEL GOOD WHEN I RUN A TRAIN UP DICK'S ASS -

A DON CORN-HOLE-LIUS SOUL TRAIN UP HIS ASS, NONSTOP EXPRESS.

GET IT?

'CAUSE IT'S A TRAIN - A BIG BLACK SO-O-O-O-O-UL TRAIN!

>> Honey Bee: B.D., EVEN THOUGH CREAM CORN IS DUMB AS HELL, HE

DOES HAVE A POINT.

>> Black Dynamite: NOT YOU, TOO, BEE.

YOU KNOW CREAM CORN IS WAY OUT OF LINE TALKING TO ME LIKE HE'S

GROWN.

>> Bullhorn: NOW YOU GOT A SECRET YOU AIN'T TELLING US

ABOUT DON CORNELIUS, UH...

AND THE TRUTH WILL BE - THE TRUTH WILL BE...THE -

AND THE TRUTH WILL BE THE MAGIC WAND FOR HEALING US!

WHEW!

>> Black Dynamite: OKAY.

I CAN TELL YOU THE TRUTH, BUT I CANNOT PROMISE YOU WHAT THE

TRUTH WILL TELL.

I WORKED FOR CORNELIUS WHEN HE WAS SMALL-TIME, STILL JUST

RUNNING A RADIO STATION IN CHICAGO.

HAD TO BUST SOME HEADS, BUT I GOT IT.

>> ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL.

EXCLUSIVE HERE.

WE GOT A NEW CUT FOR YOU.

>> Black Dynamite: AND SINCE THERE COULD ONLY BE ONE

NUMBER-ONE RADIO STATION...

>> AND THAT WAS TODAY'S LATEST SONG BY - [ GASPS ] AAAAAAAAH!

>> Black Dynamite: SUEY!

>> AAAAAAH!

>> AND NOW THE LATEST HIT FROM ARETHA - WHOA, WHOA!

WHO ARE YOU?

>> Black Dynamite: SUEY!

>> AAAAAAAAH!

>> Black Dynamite: IT GOT TO THE POINT THAT TALENT ACTS STARTED

COMING TO HIM FOR HELP.

BUT AS TOUGH AS HE WAS, HE ALWAYS TOOK CARE OF HIS PEOPLE.

>> FREE FRIED...

[ SNORES ] ...CHICKEN FOR EVERYBODY!

>> Black Dynamite: ONCE HE OWNED THE RADIO GAME, THERE WAS ONLY

ONE PLACE LEFT TO GO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HERE WE ARE AT THE INAUGURAL

BROADCAST ON THE NEW "SO-O-O-O-O-UL TRAIN," THE

HIPPEST TRIP IN AMERICA!

>> Black Dynamite: AND WITH NEWFOUND SUCCESS CAME NEWFOUND

ENEMIES.

>> YEAH. GREAT SUCCESS, DON.

BUT, YOU KNOW, NOBODY AROUND HERE RUNS MUSIC WITHOUT CUTTING

US IN ON THE ACTION.

CAPISCE?

>> I UNDERSTAND.

>> YEAH.

>> Black Dynamite: SUEY!

SHAH! SUEY!

>> YOU KNOW, GENTLEMEN, YOU CAN'T STOP THE TRAIN, AND I

DEDICATE THESE THREE RECORDS TO YOU.

>> Black Dynamite: SUEY! HAH!

HE GREW MORE AND MORE POWERFUL, AND I SAW THAT POWER CORRUPTS

EVEN THOSE WITH THE PEOPLE'S GOOD AT HEART.

>> AAH! AAAH!

>> Black Dynamite: ALL THAT DANCER WANTED WAS OUT, BUT

CORNELIUS COULDN'T STAND THE THOUGHT OF ANYONE LEAVING.

AND BLACK DYNAMITE COULDN'T STAND THE THOUGHT OF ANY

MOTHERFUCKA TELLIN' HIM WHAT HE CAN AND CANNOT DO, SO I HAD

TO SPLIT.

>> [ CHUCKLES EVILLY ] >> Black Dynamite: AH, SUEY!

WHO KNOWS?

IF DON HAD SOMEBODY LIKE ME TO WHUP MY ASS, I MIGHT NOT HAVE

MADE IT OUT ALIVE, EITHER.

AFTER I LAID WASTE TO THE "SOUL TRAIN" DANCERS, DON AND I

WENT OUR SEPARATE WAYS.

>> IT'S ALL BEEN A STONE GAS, BLACK DYNAMITE.

AS ALWAYS, IN PARTING, I WISH YOU LOVE, PEACE, AND

SO-O-O-O-O-UL!

>> Black Dynamite: WHEN YOU WORK FOR THE DON, YOU'RE A DON WORKER

FOR LIFE.

EVEN THE DANCERS HAD TO PUT IN WORK, AND BY "WORK," I MEAN

"KILLING."

>> Honey Bee: BLACK DYNAMITE, WE CAN'T LET CREAM CORN BECOME

A KILLER!

HE'LL GET KILLED!

>> Black Dynamite: BULLHORN, HONEY BEE, I GUESS IT'S TIME

FOR US TO CATCH A TRAIN.

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE! [ DOORBELL RINGS ]

>> ♪ ALL THESE STUPID BITCHES >> HEY, MR. WONDER, IT'S DONNY

AND MARIE!

WE'RE HERE TO TAKE YOU TO "AMERICAN BANDSTAND" BECAUSE

YOU'RE BLIND!

>> I CAN SEE YOU MOTHERFUCKA I'M COMIN'.

[ TIRES SCREECH ] THAT'S FUNNY.

[ SNIFFS ] WHEN DID DONNY AND MARIE START

WEARING AFRO SHEEN?

>> WHAT?!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN STEVIE WONDER'S A NO-SHOW?

"AMERICAN BANDSTAND" WILL NOT SURVIVE WITHOUT TOP NI-

BLACK ACTS LIKE THAT!

HOW FAR CAN HE GO?!

HE'S AS BLIND AS RAY CHARLES!

>> THIS JUST CAME IN FROM DON CORNELIUS.

>> [ GROANS ] >> AW FUCK NAW.

IS IT A DEAD FISH?

ARE THEY SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES?!

>> NO. DONNY AND MARIE.

THEY'RE BEING GANG-RAPED BY FOUR N- FOUR N- FOUR NEGROES.

>> AW, NAW!

OKAY, WAIT.

I GET THE SAUSAGE, I GET THE WHITE BREAD, BUT THE TOOTHPASTE?

>> [ GROANS ] [ CLICK ]

>> NO NEED TO LOOK ANY FURTHER, 'CAUSE WE GOT WHAT YOU'RE

LOOKING FOR RIGHT HERE.

GIVE A WARM "SOUL TRAIN" GANG WELCOME TO MR. STEVIE...

[ SNORES ] ...WONDER!

[ MID-TEMPO SOUL MUSIC PLAYING ] >> ♪ ALL THESE STUPID BITCHES

♪ CRYIN' ON MY BALLS >> UGH!

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ] >> Black Dynamite: CREAM CORN, I

GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT "SOUL TRAIN."

>> Cream Corn: NOT NOW, BLACK DYNAMITE.

[ Robotically ] YOU ARE FUCKIN' UP MY ROBOT.

>> Black Dynamite: YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN' PUPPET ON A STRING.

>> Cream Corn: [ Normal voice ] WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE

AGAINST DANCING, HUH?!

NOT ENOUGH BLOODSHED?

>> Black Dynamite: WELL, THAT'S ONE REASON, BUT THE MAIN THING

IS YOU AIN'T DANCIN'.

THE SHIT YOU'RE DOING IS MONKEY-SHININ'.

SEE? SEE? SEE?

YOU SEE HOW YOU'RE SMILING WHEN YOU DO THAT SHIT?

>> Cream Corn: YEAH, BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

>> Black Dynamite: SEE?!

RIGHT THERE!

DANCING SHOULD NOT BE FUN!

REAL DANCING REQUIRES AN ANGER, A REAL PISSED-OFF DIGNITY.

>> Cream Corn: DIDN'T I TELL YOU I AIN'T HAVE NO DIGNITY?

AND WHO DANCES WHEN THEY'RE MAD?

>> Black Dynamite: ALL RIGHT, TANGO - PISSED OFF.

BALLET - PISSED OFF.

SALSA - PISSED OFF.

AFRICAN - SO PISSED OFF, THEY SHOW YOU HOW THEY'LL STOMP A

MUDHOLE IN YOUR ASS.

NOW LISTEN - >> Cream Corn: WELL, YOU CAN PUT

THIS IN YOUR HAT!

UNH!

>> Black Dynamite: THOSE ARE YOUR RING FINGERS, DAMN IT!

>> Cream Corn: YEAH, I KNOW, BUT IT'S THE CLOSEST I CAN GET TO

FLIPPIN' BLACK DYNAMITE OFF WITHOUT GETTIN' MY ASS WHUPPED!

>> Black Dynamite: LOOK, DON CORNELIUS AND THE

"SOUL TRAIN" DANCERS ARE A CRIME FAMILY OF MOBSTERS!

>> Cream Corn: AND YOU JUST MAD 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T DO THIS!

[ Robotically ] BLACK DYNAMITE IS JEALOUS 'CAUSE HE CAN'T DO

THIS.

UNH! AH! GET IT, GET IT, GET IT!

UNH! AH! RIGHT ON!

>> I WANT DON CORNELIUS DEAD.

I WANT "SOUL TRAIN" DEAD!

I WANT HIS FAMILY DEAD!

I WANT HIS CAR AND HIS HOUSE DEAD!

AND I WANT YOU TO DELIVER A PERMANENT MESSAGE - NO ONE

FUCKS WITH DICK!

>> HEY, DON'T WORRY, MR. CLARK.

WHEN I ATTACH THIS BOMB TO THE "SOUL TRAIN" SCRAMBLE BOARD AND

THE CONTESTANTS UNSCRAMBLE TODAY'S PUZZLE - KABOOM! -

THEY'LL BE SCRAMBLED EGGPLANT!

HUH? GET IT?

BECAUSE THEY'RE BLACK!

[ LAUGHS ] AH, I KILL ME.

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE! [ MID-TEMPO SOUL MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> Black Dynamite: ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I GUESS IT'S TIME TO GO.

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ] HMM.

"SOUL TRAIN" SCRAMBLE BOARD MAINTENANCE INC?

"SOUL TRAIN" IS A SOLE PROPRIETORSHIP, AND THE

"SOUL TRAIN" SCRAMBLE BOARD MAINTENANCE COULD NOT

INCORPORATE EVEN IF THEY WANTED TO.

IT'D BE A SUBSIDIARY AT BEST!

BESIDES, "SOUL TRAIN" SCRAMBLE BOARD MAINTENANCE ENGINEERS

DON'T WEAR ALLIGATOR SHOES.

[ BEEPING ] HMM. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

THE OLD "WIRE A BOMB TO THE 'SOUL TRAIN' SCRAMBLE BOARD"

TRICK.

>> ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL.

IT'S TIME FOR THE WORLD-FAMOUS "SOUL TRAIN" SCRAMBLE BOARD.

>> Cream Corn: HI, AND I'M CREAM CORN.

[ SPUTTERING ] BITCH, CONTROL YOUR HAIR!

>> [ Asian accent ] HI.

I'M THAT SEXY ASIAN BITCH WITH THE "RONG," "RONG" HAIR.

>> ALL RIGHT.

YOU HAVE 30 SECONDS TO CORRECTLY UNSCRAMBLE THE PUZZLE.

IT'S THE NAME OF A POPULAR GROUP THAT SOUNDS LIKE

"TIRTH, TIND, AND TIRE."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Black Dynamite: BULLHORN,

HONEY BEE, YOU GOT TO STOP CREAM CORN FROM SOLVING

THAT PUZZLE!

THERE'S A BOMB THAT'S GONNA EXPLODE WHEN IT'S UNSCRAMBLED!

>> Honey Bee: OH SHIT! UH...THE TEMPTATIONS!

>> Cream Corn: THE TEMPTATIONS?!

THAT DON'T SOUND LIKE NO "TIRTH"!

>> Black Dynamite: ALL RIGHT.

NOW I JUST GOT TO DEFUSE THIS - OH. WELL, WHAT THE SHIT?

>> Bullhorn: IT'S THE O'JAYS!

>> Cream Corn: I DON'T SEE NO "O," AND I DON'T SEE NO "J"!

>> Bullhorn: MAYBE THE BAR-KAYS!

>> Cream Corn: BAR-KAYS?!

THERE'S NO "K"!

>> Honey Bee: UH, BARRY WHITE!

>> Cream Corn: BARRY WHITE?!

BARRY WHITE'S NOT A GROUP!

>> OH, COME ON!

IT'S A EARTH, WIND & FIRE!

[ BELL DINGS ] >> Bullhorn: [ GASPS ]

>> Black Dynamite: WHAT?!

OH SHIT! SUEY!

[ WOMAN SCREAMS ] >> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE!

>> CREAM CORN, I SEE THAT YOU DID EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO

GET THE SCRAMBLE BOARD WRONG, AND YOU DID IT ALL TO SAVE THE

LIFE OF...

[ SNORES ] ...THE DON.

>> Cream Corn: YEAH!

YOU KNOW ME.

I'M ALWAYS DOWN TO DO SOMETHING FOR THE DON.

>> CREAM CORN, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE AN OFFICIAL

"SOUL TRAIN"...

[ SNORES ] ...DANCER?

>> Cream Corn: WHAT?!

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

>> Black Dynamite: LET'S GO.

>> Cream Corn: BUT, BLACK DYNAMITE -

>> I THINK CREAM CORN IS A GROWN-ASS MAN THAT CAN MAKE HIS

OWN DECISIONS, BLACK DYNAMITE, AND THE DECISION I'M TELLING HIM

TO MAKE IS TO STAY HE-E-E-E-E-RE WITH ME.

>> Black Dynamite: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR GETTIN' YOUR

LITTLE PERMED HEAD INTO, CREAM CORN.

I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU MAKIN' A BAD DECISION!

>> ARE YOU READY TO BECOME A MEMBER OF THE "SOUL TRAIN"

FAMILY?

>> Cream Corn: IT WOULD BE AN HONOR.

>> IT'S THE DON.

TIME TO DO IT THE HARD WAY.

>> Cream Corn: MR. DON, WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU MEAN WHEN YOU

SAID IT'S TIME TO DO IT THE HARD WAY?

IS THAT A NEW DANCE?

>> [ LAUGHS ] SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YOU JUST KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE DISCO BALL, AND YOU'LL BE JUST

FINE.

>> Black Dynamite: SUEY! SUEY!

SUEY! SUEY! SUEY! SUEY! SUEY!

SUEY! SUEY! SUEY!

HONEY BEE, WHAT I TELL YOU 'BOUT INTERRUPTING MY CUNT FU?

>> Honey Bee: BLACK DYNAMITE, HOW MANY TIMES I GOT TO TELL YOU

YOU CAN'T FUCK AWAY ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS BY FUCKING

>> Black Dynamite: YEAH?

AND WHY NOT?

>> Honey Bee: WELL, YOU COULD, BUT SOONER OR LATER, YOU'RE

GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH 'EM.

>> Black Dynamite: YOU'RE RIGHT, HONEY BEE.

NOW, I AIN'T GONNA TELL Y'ALL TO SPLIT THE SCENE, BUT Y'ALL

BITCHES CAN SCRAM.

I GUESS IT'S HARD TO ADMIT THAT CREAM CORN WAS ONCE JUST A

LITTLE HALF-A-MAN PIMP AND NOW HE'S A FULL-GROWN HALF-A-MAN

PIMP.

>> Honey Bee: BUT I WOULDN'T SAY, "FULL-GROWN."

HE'S LIKE 3/4 THERE.

[ WOMEN YAWNING ] AND WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY?

>> Black Dynamite: DAMN. SEE?

WITH ALL THIS CREAM CORN ON MY MIND, I FORGOT TO TELL THEM NOT

TO WAKE UP THE REST OF THE BITCHES.

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE! [ ORGAN PLAYING ]

>> CREAM CORN, DO YOU DENOUNCE DICK CLARK?

>> Cream Corn: I DO DENOUNCE DICK.

[ GUN COCKS ] WHAT THE -

>> DO YOU DENOUNCE THE AMERICAN BROADCAST COMPANY AND

ALL OF ITS WORKS?

>> Cream Corn: I DO DENOUNCE THEM, EXCEPT "CHARLIE'S ANGELS,"

'CAUSE THEY KIND OF SMOKIN'.

[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ] [ GUN COCKS ]

[ GUNSHOTS ] [ WHIMPERING ]

>> DO YOU PROMISE NOT TO SNITCH FOR NEITHER MONEY NOR A BITCH?

>> Cream Corn: YES.

I PROMISE NOT TO BE A BITCH WITH A SWITCH WHO GOT A ITCH -

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT YOU SAY AGAIN?

[ MEN SCREAMING ] >> DO YOU ACCEPT YOUR COMMITMENT

TO "SOUL TRAIN" AS A LIFETIME COMMITMENT?

[ MEN SHOUTING ] >> Cream Corn: LIFETIME?

LIKE THE WHOLE-TIME-OF-MY-LIFE LIFETIME?

I DO, GODFATHER.

>> YOU MUST KISS THE PINKY.

MMM.

LOVE, PEACE, AND SO-O-O-O-O-UL!

YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY...

[ SNORES ] ...A "SOUL TRAIN" DANCER!

>> THE BOSSMAN WANTS SOME FACE TIME WITH YOU AND DICK.

>> BUT I HAD ESTABLISHED MY OUTFIT LONG BEFORE THIS

MARMALUKE STARTED MUSCLING IN WITHOUT SO MUCH AS PAYING ME MY

VIG!

>> YOUR VIG?!

MY THING WAS "SOUL TRAIN, " NOT "ROCK-'N'-ROLL TRAIN."

BUT MAYBE YOU'RE JUST STUPID AND YOUR BRAINS ARE SCRAMBLED JUST

LIKE MY "SOUL TRAIN" BOARD YOU TRIED TO BLOW UP!

HOW 'BOUT YOU GIVE A NICE WARM "SOUL TRAIN" WELCOME FOR MY FOOT

IN YO' ASS?

>> GOOD ONE, MR. CORNELIUS.

>> THOSE MOTHERFUCKIN' MOULINYANS OWE YOU, MR. CLARK.

>> AAH!

>> AAH!

[ ALL GASP ] >> YOU DISAPPOINT ME, MAN.

>> I'M SORRY.

THE FAKE EYE THROWS ME OFF.

WHO - WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO?

>> YEAH. ACTUALLY, I NEVER HAVE ANY IDEA WHO YOU'RE LOOKING AT

AT ANY GIVEN TIME.

>> I'VE CALLED THIS MEETING BECAUSE THERE IS DISCORD AMONG

US - DISCORD THAT HAS COST US A LOT OF MONEY.

D.C., WHEN I HEARD ABOUT WHAT YOU DID, I WAS GONNA BURY YOUR

ASS IN THE DESERT.

>> UH, YEAH.

WE'RE ACTUALLY BOTH "D.C."

>> YEAH. AGAIN, YOU KNOW, UH, THE EYE.

>> SHUT THE FUCK UP, THE BOTH OF YOUSE, OR I'LL TAP-DANCE A

HORA ON BOTH YOUR FACES!

IT'S TIME WE SETTLE THIS VENDETTA IN AN HONORABLE WAY -

A DANCE-OFF, YOUR BEST VERSUS HIS BEST.

LOSER IS OFF THE AIR, BABE, FOR GOOD.

>> CREAM, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY CORNHOLE THAT DICK

HASN'T BANGED UP.

NOW, YOU KNOW YOU GOT TO WIN THIS DANCE-OFF, RIGHT?

>> Cream Corn: OH, DON'T YOU WORRY, DON!

THERE'S NO WAY I'MA LET YOU DOWN!

>> THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR, 'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T WIN...

[ SNORES ] ...I'MA KILL YOU.

[ SNORES ] FRED BERRY, TOO.

>> Cream Corn: [ WHIMPERS ] >> HERE YOU GO,

BLACK DYNAMITE - ONE ORDER OF OX ASS AND TRUFFLE, ON THE

HOUSE.

>> Black Dynamite: THANKS, ROSCOE, BUT ALL THE FREE OX ASS

AND TRUFFLES IN THE WORLD COULDN'T SOLVE MY PROBLEM.

I JUST WISH I COULD LEARN HOW TO MAKE CREAM CORN LEARN.

>> NAW, THAT AIN'T WHAT LEARNIN' IS, DYNAMITE.

SEE, WITH KIDS, YOU GOT TO LET THEM FUCK UP ON THEIR OWN.

TAKE MY SON, HERMAN, FOR EXAMPLE.

>> Black Dynamite: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A SON, ROSCOE.

I NEVER SEE HIM.

>> YEP - LITTLE HERMAN CAIN.

I TRIED TEACHIN' HIM THE FAMILY BUSINESS, BUT HE DON'T WANT TO

COMBINE FUCKED-UP FOOD COMBINATIONS.

HE JUST WANTS TO DO PIZZA BY ITSELF AND CALL IT "GODFATHER."

BUT THAT BOY DEFINITELY A FUCK-UP, AND HE AIN'T GOIN'

NOWHERE.

>> Black Dynamite: ROSCOE, THAT'S IT!

>> IT'S WHAT?

>> Black Dynamite: IT'S NOT CREAM CORN'S CERTAINTY OF

FAILURE.

IT'S THAT HE'S WILLING TO FACE DEATH FOR WHAT HE BELIEVES IN,

REGARDLESS OF HOW STUPID AS FUCK IT IS.

AND IT'S ABOUT TIME I FACED IT WITH HIM.

>> UH, WAIT!

YOU AIN'T EVEN ATE YOUR OX ASS, BLACK DYNAMITE!

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE!

>> DON'T YOU DISAPPOINTMENT ME,

CREAM CORN.

AND WHERE'S YOUR PARTNER, FRED?

>> Cream Corn: BLACK DYNAMITE!

LORD HAVE MERCY!

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE!

>> Black Dynamite: I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW YOU MAY BE HALF A

PIMP, BUT YOU'RE A WHOLE MAN, CREAM CORN, AND THAT I GOT TO

RESPECT.

>> Cream Corn: THANK YOU, BLACK DYNAMITE.

>> Black Dynamite: NOW YOU GO OUT THERE AND BREAK A -

>> AAAAAAH! MY LEG!

THEY POPPED MY LOCKS!

THERE'S NO WAY I CAN POPLOCK WITH MY LOCKS POPPED, RAJ!

>> WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW?

OH...

[ SNORES ] ...JESUS!

>> Cream Corn: THIS LOOKS LIKE THE JOB OF DICK'S MUSCLE.

>> CLARK, YOU DIRTY DICK.

NOW WE CAN'T GET THIS POP DANCE-OFF UNLOCKED WITH A

POP-LOCKER WHO CAN'T POPLOCK!

IT'S A TWO-VERSUS-TWO CONTEST.

SINCE WE DON'T HAVE ANOTHER DANCER, WE'RE FORCED TO FORFEIT.

BLACK MUSIC IS DONE FOREVER.

>> Cream Corn: WHAT?!

NO FAIR!

JAMES BROWN AND DENEY TERRIO?

THAT'S THE WHITE CAT THAT TAUGHT JOHN TRAVOLTA HOW TO DANCE

BLACK.

IT'S A UNBEATABLE MIX OF FUNK AND DISCO!

>> Black Dynamite: THIS IS TRUE, BUT FUNK AS WELL AS DISCO BOTH

HAVE ASSES.

AND IF IT HAS AN ASS, THEN IT CAN BE KICKED, AND

BLACK DYNAMITE LEAVES NO ASS UNKICKED.

CAN YOU DIG IT?

NOW SOMEBODY GET ME SOME LAWN-JOCKEY, POP-LOCKER THREADS

SO WE CAN SHOW THESE SUCKERS HOW IT'S DONE!

COME ON, CREAM CORN.

LET'S DANCE.

>> IT'S GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK, DYNAMITE.

>> Black Dynamite: CORNELIUS, I'M NOT DOING IT FOR YOU.

I'M DOING IT FOR CREAM CORN, BLACK MUSIC, AND ALL THE

MULTIPLE BITCHES I PLEASURE AT THE SAME TIME WHILE

LISTENING TO IT.

[ UP-TEMPO DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ] >> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[ MUSIC STOPS ] >> THE WINNER IS...

"SO-O-O-O-O-UL TRAIN."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> FUCK.

NO MORE BLACK NIGGER MUSIC FOR ME.

I'M STICKING WITH DISCO.

COME ON!

>> Cream Corn: WE DID IT, BLACK DYNAMITE!

WE BEAT DICK!

>> Black Dynamite: WE SURE DID, CREAM CORN, AND IT'S ALL THANKS

TO ME.

>> MAN, YOU MADE THEM FIREWORKS LOOK JUST LIKE AN ACCIDENT!

I MAY HAVE TO USE YOU AGAIN ONE DAY.

HEH HEH!

>> THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.

I TOLD YOU IF I SHOULD EVER NEED A FAVOR, I'D EXPECT YOU TO

DELIVER, AND YOU DELIVERED.

AND IN CASE YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT, UH...

[ SPEAKING GIBBERISH ] [ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]

>> UH, D-D-DON, DOES THAT MEAN WE'RE EVEN?

>> HELL, NO, NEGRO!

[ SNORES ] PULL UP MY CAR!

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE! >> Black Dynamite: UH, I'LL BE

THERE IN A MINUTE.

FORGOT MY LAWN-JOCKEY HAT.

[ UP-TEMPO DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ] >> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE!

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