Original subtitles

>> AS YOU KNOW, THERE HAVE BEEN MANY GREAT BLACK FILMS -

"BLACK CAESAR," "BLACULA," "BLACK ON THIS SUCKA,"

"YOU BLACKED MY MAMA," "WHO YOU CALLIN' BLACK?"

"GET BLACK JACK," "ALL THAT BLACK," AND THE VERY

POPULAR "SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE BLACK."

BUT TODAY, RIGHT HERE IN THE HEART OF THE BLACK COMMUNITY, WE

BEGIN PRODUCTION ON OUR GREATEST AND BLACKEST FILM EVER, CALLED

"BLACKITY BLACK BLACK BLACK"!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

MELVIN!

I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU!

>> NOT NOW, BILL COSBY.

THERE HAS NEVER BEEN THIS MUCH BLACK CRAMMED IN A TITLE OR A

MOVIE BEFORE.

YOU NEED TO COME ON DOWN TO THE SET RIGHT NOW TO MEET OUR MOST

BELOVED STARS AND HEROES - RUDY RAY MOORE, PAM GRIER,

ANTONIO FARGAS, AND THE MAIN MAN HIMSELF, MR. JIM KELLY!

>> LOOK HERE, MY BEAUTIFUL WHITE SHE-DEVIL.

BUSINESS HAS BEEN A LITTLE SLOW FOR THE BLACK PUMAS THESE DAYS.

BUT IF YOU COULD PLEASE CUT OUR CABLE BACK ON, I WOULD BE...

>> BROTHER STUEY, LOOK AT THE TV SCREEN!

>> COME WITNESS THE MOST HISTORIC FILM IN THE MAKING.

YOU BETTER BE THERE OR BE SQUARE, BABY!

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS SUCKER IS FILM IN IN OUR COMMUNITY.

AND HE AIN'T PAY US A DIME!

>> AND WE WANT ALL 10 PENNIES, TOO!

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ] [ ROUND CHAMBERS ]

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE >> ♪ HE'S DYNAMITE

♪ SO DYNAMITE ♪ OOOHHH, OOOHHH

♪ OOOHHH ♪ AHHHH

♪ HE'S DYNAMITE ♪ DY-NO, DY-NO

♪ OOOHHH, OOOHHH ♪ OOOOHHHH

♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE! >> THIS WEEK...

>> COME WITNESS THE MOST HISTORIC FILM IN -

>> Honey Bee: BLACK DYNAMITE, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T WANT TO

GO DOWN THERE AND SEE THE BIGGEST, BLACKEST MOVIE STARS

EVER.

>> Black Dynamite: WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT SEEING

"BLACKITY BLACK BLACK BLACK" ACTORS ON THE MOVIE SCREEN WHEN

WE LIVE THE LIVES OF REAL BLACKITY, BLACK, BLACK, BLACK

MOTHERFUCKERS EVERY DAY?

>> Cream Corn: DAMN, BLACKY D, HOW COME BECAUSE YOU DON'T EVER

LIKE TO DO SHIT WE ALL CAN'T LIKE TO DO SHIT

>> Black Dynamite: I TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN LIKE - YOUR ASS

GETTIN' WHUPPED FOR CALLIN' ME "BLACKY D" AGAIN.

>> Honey Bee: I BET YOU WOULD MAKE A BAD-ASS MOVIE STAR,

BLACK DYNAMITE.

MM-HMM!

>> Black Dynamite: THIS IS TRUE.

ME AND OLD MELVIN GO WAY BACK, ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE DAYS OF

FUCKIN' >> Cream Corn: THE DAYS OF

TRUCKIN'?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED TRUCKIN', BLACK DYNAMITE.

I LOVE THOSE HORNS.

TOOT, TOOT!

>> Black Dynamite: NOT THE DAYS OF TRUCKIN' - THE DAYS OF

FUCKIN' >> Bullhorn: MAN, IN THOSE DAYS,

WE FUCKED IN CARS, BARS, TREES, AND EVEN UNDER THE SEA.

I FUCKED A BITCH ON TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING!

>> Black Dynamite: LOOK, SOMEBODY'S ROBBING ROSCOE'S BEAN

PIES AND PORK RINDS!

[ TIRES SCREECH ] >> WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! CUT! CUT!

[ BELL RINGS ] >> Honey Bee: OOPS.

>> Cream Corn: AND SKEETED ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY!

>> [ LAUGHS ] BLACK DYNAMITE, I SHOULD HAVE

KNOWN.

TAKE 10, EVERYBODY, AND LET'S GET SOME OF THESE DEAD STUNT MEN

OUT OF HERE.

OH, MAN, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE THE DAYS OF TRUCKIN'.

>> Black Dynamite: YOU MEAN FUCKIN'

>> YEAH, I ALWAYS GET THOSE TWO MIXED UP.

HOW'S IT SWINGING?

>> Black Dynamite: LOW LIKE A SWEET CHARIOT.

>> [ LAUGHS ] THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

>> Black Dynamite: SORRY ABOUT KILLING AND/OR MORTALLY WOUNDING

ALL YOUR STUNT MEN.

>> DON'T WORRY.

THESE MOTHAFUCKAS LOVE TO DIE.

SO, THIS MUST BE THE INFAMOUS BLACK DYNAMITE CREW I'VE HEARD

SO MUCH ABOUT.

>> Cream Corn: IN THE FLESH!

MY NAME IS CREAM CORN, CERTIFIED PIMP AND REST HAVEN FOR HOES.

[ CHUCKLES ] >> WELL, IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET

YOU.

COME ON, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO OUR STARS.

>> Cream Corn: HEY, YOU LOOK JUST LIKE ME.

OR DO I LOOK JUST LIKE YOU?

OR DID YOUR DADDY FUCK MY MAMA?

>> Bullhorn: MELVIN VAN P, WHO THE FUCK IS HE SUPPOSED TO

BE?

>> RUDY RAY MOORE IS MY NAME, AND FUCKIN' UP MOTHAFUCKAS IS MY

GAME.

>> Bullhorn: WELL, RUDY, YOU MIGHT BE THE MAN ON THE SILVER

SCREEN, BUT BULLHORN'S THE MEANEST MOTHAFUCKA YOU EVER DID

SEEN.

>> WHY, YOU BORN-INSECURE MOTHAFUCKA

I MADE GODZILLA SUCK MY DICK WHILE KING KONG HELD THE BALLS.

I WHUPPED A SKYSCRAPER'S ASS AND MADE ALL THE LONDON BRIDGES

FALL.

>> Bullhorn: MAN, I ATE AN OIL TANKER, AND IT DIDN'T GIVE ME

GAS.

I WALKED BY THE DEVIL AND BURNT HIS ASS.

I SWAM IN THE SUN AND SKINNY-DIPPED ON THE MOON.

I FUCKED URANUS IN HER ASS AND MADE THE BITCH CRAWL TO NEPTUNE.

>> MOTHERFUCKER YOU!

>> OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH, RUDY.

SAVE THAT SHIT FOR THE FILM.

>> Honey Bee: BLACK DYNAMITE, THIS GOT TO BE BREAKING SOME

KIND OF COPYRIGHT RULES OR SOMETHING.

THIS BITCH LOOKS JUST LIKE ME, EXCEPT FOR THEM LITTLE TITTIES.

>> Black Dynamite: LOOK, I'M SURE THAT ANY OF THESE

CHARACTERS' SIMILARITIES TO ANYONE ALIVE OR DEAD IS PURELY

COINCIDENTAL.

RIGHT, MELVIN?

>> UH, UH-HUH. YEAH, YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER ] >> THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.

I LOOKED HIM RIGHT IN HIS LITTLE CHINESE EYES AND SAID, "BULLSHIT

MR. HAN MAN!" [ LAUGHTER ]

>> JIM KELLY, BLACK DYNAMITE.

BLACK DYNAMITE, JIM KELLY.

>> Black Dynamite: MELVIN, THE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN JIM KELLY

AND BLACK DYNAMITE CANNOT BE PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

>> OH, OKAY, YOU GOT ME. I - >> LOOK, MELVIN, I GOT NO TIME

FOR MALE GROUPIES, YOU DIG?

MAN, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COME RIGHT OUT OF A COMIC BOOK.

>> Black Dynamite: LOOK HERE, JIM KELLY.

BLACK DYNAMITE IS BLACKER THAN THE ACE OF SPADES AND MORE OF A

STAR THAN YOU AND THIS WHOLE BLACK CAST PUT TOGETHER.

AND WHILE YOU IN FRONT OF THEM MOVIE CAMERAS PRETENDING TO

FUCK UP SUCKERS AND STICK IT TO THE MAN, I'M IN THE STREETS

FOR REAL, PROTECTING THE COMMUNITY AND TAKING OUT ANY

JIVE-ASS TURKEY THAT GETS IN MY WAY.

NOW, I SUGGEST YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP WHEN A REAL BLACK

HERO IS TELLING YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!

>> UM...

>> BLACK DYNAMITE, SUDDENLY, I WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE YOUR ISLAND.

>> [ CHUCKLES ] I LOVE IT WHEN HE TALKS IN MOVIE

LINES.

>> MR. VAN PEEBLES!

MR. VAN PEEBLES!

>> HEY, MY ASSISTANT, YOUNG SPIKE LEE.

WHAT'S SHAKIN', BABY?

>> YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE TO YOUR 3:00 MéNAGE ET TROIS, WHICH IS

RUNNING RIGHT INTO YOUR 3: 30 QUICKIE, AND NOT TO MENTION YOUR

DICK SUCK AT 4:00.

>> OKAY, OKAY, PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER.

HEY, SHOW BUSINESS CALLS.

WHY DON'T Y'ALL HANG AROUND FOR A WHILE?

WE GOT FREE ROSCOE'S BUTTERY BITCHES AND WAFFLES, ALL YOU CAN

EAT.

>> Black Dynamite: I DON'T KNOW, MELVIN.

>> Cream Corn: FREE ROSCOE'S BITCHES AND WAFFLES?

YOU KNOW I LIKE MY BITCHES BUTTERY, BLACK DYNAMITE.

WAFFLES, BITCHES, BUTTER, ALL THAT!

>> BY THE WAY, BILL COSBY LEFT YOU A BUNCH OF MESSAGES.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO LISTEN TO THEM.

[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS ] >> OHHHH, IT'S ME, BILL COSBY.

HEY, UM, MELVIN, I HAD SOME CONCERNS ABOUT THE FILM.

[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS ] ...COSBY AGAIN.

CAN YOU CALL ME BACK?

I HAVE CONCERNS ABOUT THE MOV- [ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS ]

...ME BACK, PLEASE? THE MOVIE - [ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS ]

...DYING TO TALK TO YOU LIKE A CIVILIZED -

[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS ] CALL ME BA-

[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS ] FILTH FLARN FLARN!

[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS ] HEY, MELV-

[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS ] FILTH -

[ BEEP ] FLARN -

[ BEEP ] OHH!

[ BEEPS ] [ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> OH, YEAH, I ALMOST FORGOT - THERE'S THREE GIRLS HERE THAT

SAID YOU PROMISED THEM AN AUDITION.

>> THEY GOT FIVE MINUTES.

SEND THEM IN.

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, I ONLY HAVE A COUPLE OF ROLES LEFT, SO THE

COMPETITION...

[ UNZIPPING ] ...IS STIFF.

>> THE PUT THE DICK AWAY, MELVIN.

WE AIN'T COME HERE FOR THAT.

>> WE DIDN'T?!

>> BLACK PUMA LEADER STUEY FIG NEWTON AND TWO OTHER

MEMBERS OF THE BLACK PUMA PARTY?

HOW DID Y'ALL GET IN HERE?

>> DISGUISED AS THREE BITCHES THAT WANT TO FUCK YOU.

THAT'S HOW.

>> DAMN, Y'ALL PUMAS ARE SOME SNEAKY BITCHES.

>> WAIT. SO, WE NOT FUCKIN' HIM? >> YOU KNOW THE SHAKEDOWN RULES,

BROTHER.

YOU DON'T AS MUCH AS TAKE A SHIT IN OUR COMMUNITY WITHOUT

PAYING US BEFORE YOU WIPE YOUR ASS.

>> COME ON, STUEY.

I'M ALWAYS PAYING YOU PUMAS.

DAMN, HOW MUCH DOES THE REVOLUTION COST?

>> THIS AIN'T FOR NO REVOLUTION, SUCKER.

IT'S FOR OUR CABLE BILL.

>> SH-SH-SH-SHUT UP.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] >> Black Dynamite: LITTLE

SPIKE LEE, I SUGGEST YOU DO THE RIGHT THING AND TELL ME WHAT THE

FUCK Y'ALL ARE DOING AROUND MY CAR.

>> I'M SORRY, BLACK DYNAMITE, BUT SENSEI JIM KELLY SAYS HE

LIKES YOUR CAR AND THAT HE WANTS TO DRIVE IT IN THE MOVIE.

>> Black Dynamite: SENSEI JIM KELLY IS ABOUT TO DRIVE MY

FOOT UP HIS ASS.

>> WHEN IT COMES, I WON'T EVEN NOTICE.

>> Black Dynamite: AND WHY IS THAT?

>> BECAUSE I WILL BE TOO BUSY LOOKIN' GOOD.

>> COME ON, MAN.

THAT'S ALL I GOT.

I PUT EVERY PENNY I HAD INTO THIS "BLACKITY BLACK BLACK

BLACK" FILM!

>> WELL, I GUESS THAT'S YOUR BLACKITY, BLACK, BLACK ASS!

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE >> Black Dynamite: SORRY,

MELVIN, I DIDN'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT YOUR

MéNAGE-A-FOUR AND DESTROY YOUR TRAILER AND PUT MY FOOT UP YOUR

BLACK STAR'S ASS, BUT THAT TURKEY WAS WAY OUT OF LINE.

>> NO PROBLEM.

THESE BITCHES WERE JUST LEAVING, UNLESS OF COURSE THEY WANT TO

HANG AROUND AND GIVE YOU SOME ACTION, TOO.

>> NO, THAT'S OKAY.

BYE, MELVIN! I'LL SEE YOU SOON!

>> DON'T CALL ME!

I'LL CALL YOU, BITCHES!

>> LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT.

ARE WE FUCKING HIM OR NOT?

>> Black Dynamite: LOOK MELVIN, MAYBE BLACK DYNAMITE'S JUST TOO

REAL TO BE AROUND MOTHERFUCKERS WHO ACT LIKE THEY'RE REAL.

I THINK WE'RE GONNA GO.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME, MAN?

I COULD USE A REAL BAD-ASS LIKE YOU AROUND HERE, JACK, FOR, UH,

INSPIRATION.

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE >> BITCH, YOU KNOW MY BALLS

DON'T WEAR COTTON DRAWERS.

>> MR. MOORE, YOUR HAIR IS NEEDED IN HAIR IN 10 MINUTES.

>> I'M COMIN' MOTHERFUCKER! >> MRS. GRIER, YOUR TITTIES ARE

NEEDED IN M- AH! AH!

[ DOOR SLAMS ] >> SENSEI KELLY?

>> I'M COMIN'.

STILL TRYIN' TO GET BLACK DYNAMITE'S SHOE OUT MY

ASS.

OHH! UNCONSCIOUS.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] >> ALL RIGHT, QUIET ON THE SET!

OKAY, ANTONIO, THIS THE BIG SCENE WHERE YOUR MAMA HAS BEEN

ON THE STROLL ALL DAY, BUT SHE AIN'T GOT YOUR MONEY.

SO, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HER A LITTLE MOTIVATION?

>> NOW, DO YOU WANT A 45-DEGREE "CLEOPATRA JONES" SLAP, OR YOU

WANT A "COME BACK, CHARLESTON BLUE"

UPPER SLAP?

>> [ LAUGHS ] WHATEVER YOU THINK SHE DESERVES, BABY!

JUST MAKE IT LOOK REAL.

>> COOL.

>> AND ACTION!

ACTION! ACTION!

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THERE?

[ TIRES SCREECH ] >> MR. VAN PEEBLES, ALL OF OUR

BLACK STARS ARE GONE!

AIN'T NOBODY SEEN NOTHIN'!

NOBODY, NOBODY, NOBODY!

NO-NO-NOBODY!

[ CELL DOOR SLAMS ] >> YOU WILL NOT SAY FILTH

FLAWRIN FLAWRIN FILTH IN FRONT OF PEOPLE EVER AGAIN!

DUHHHH!

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

>> Black Dynamite: HMM?

NOW, THIS IS SOME HEAVY SHIT.

>> OH, MAN, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

>> Honey Bee: I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW MUCH MONEY WAS SPENT ON THIS

MOVIE, MELVIN.

>> FUCK THE MONEY!

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PUSSY I WOULD HAVE GOT?

>> Black Dynamite: DON'T COUNT THAT PUSSY OUT YET, MELVIN.

I FOUND A CLUE.

>> THE REVERSE STRIP CLUB?

NOW, THIS IS SOME HEAVY SHIT.

>> Black Dynamite: SOME HEAVY SHIT.

I KNOW.

THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT WHOEVER LIKES TO WATCH FUNKY

MOOSE KNUCKLES SLIDE UP AND DOWN POLES AT THIS JOINT ALSO

KIDNAPPED YOUR BLACK STARS.

DON'T WORRY, MELVIN.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW A REAL ACTION HERO SAVES THE DAY.

I'M ON THE CASE.

>> THANKS, BLACK DYNAMITE, BUT WHO KNOWS HOW LONG THAT'LL TAKE?

I STILL NEED TO STAY ON SCHEDULE.

>> Cream Corn: WELL SHIT WE LOOK JUST LIKE THEM.

MAYBE WE CAN STAND IN FOR A WHILE.

>> Black Dynamite: THAT'S A DUMB-ASS IDEA, CREAM CORN.

>> THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, CREAM CORN.

FELLAS, WE HAVE OUR NEW STARS.

GET THEM IN MAKEUP PRONTO.

>> WELCOME TO THE COSBY COON REMOVAL PROGRAM.

IN 24 HOURS, YOU WILL BE CONVERTED FROM SELF-DEGRADING

BLAXPLOITATION FILM STARS TO UPSTANDING, INTELLIGENT,

DIGNIFIED REPRESENTATIVES OF THE BLACK RACE.

AND BLAXPLOITATION WILL BE A THING OF THE PAST!

NOW, HERE ARE THE SCRIPTS FOR MY NEW SHOW THAT WILL REPRESENT

A CLEAN, WHOLESOME IMAGE OF THE BLACK COMMUNITY THAT YOU WILL

ALL BE STARRING IN, CALLED...

"THE HUXTABLES."

ANY QUESTIONS?

>> WELL, WHAT IF WE SAY NO?

>> BROWN HORNET?

>> NOW, CREAM CORN, THIS SHOULD BE EASY FOR YOU, BEING THAT YOU

ARE A REAL PIMP.

NOW, YOUR LINE IS, "BITCH, WHERE'S MY MONEY?"

>> Cream Corn: UH, UH, OKAY.

>> AND ACTION!

>> Cream Corn: UM, GIRL - I- I-I MEAN, BITCH, UM - WELL, I AIN'T

MEAN TO CALL YOU BITCH, BUT, UH, COULD YOU GIVE ME MY MONEY,

PLEASE?

>> CUT!

>> Black Dynamite: MOMS MABLEY?

HMM. SHE JUST "MABLEY" BE NEXT.

I SHOULD CHECK IT OUT.

>> COMING TO THE STAGE IS A BEAUTIFUL, WRETCHED HOE THAT HAS

TURNED EVERY TRICK IN THE BOOK, BUT IS NOW LOOKIN' FOR SOME

SELF-RESPECT, Y'ALL.

GIVE IT UP FOR ANTI-BIOTICA!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> ♪ PUT ON THAT BIG BLOUSE

♪ THESE IS MIGHTY ♪ KEEP YOUR TITTIES FROM

FALLING OUT ♪ >> Black Dynamite: SAY, MAMA, IS

IT ME, OR ARE THOSE CATS PAYING CHICKS TO PUT THEIR CLOTHES ON?

>> THAT'S THE DEAL, DADDY.

HERE WE GET PAID TO RESPECT OURSELVES.

YOU WANT A PRIVATE DANCE?

I'LL GO GET NAKED, SO I CAN COVER UP JUST FOR YOU.

>> Black Dynamite: UH, NO, THANKS, BUT YOU CAN TELL ME

WHERE I CAN FIND MOMS MABLEY.

>> HER UNDRESSING ROOM IS RIGHT THERE TO THE RIGHT.

>> Black Dynamite: MISS MABLEY, I'M BLACK DYNAMITE.

>> HOT DAMN, I BET YOU IS.

COME ON IN. I WON'T BITE YOU.

MY TEETH IS WAY OVER THERE.

[ LAUGHS ] >> Black Dynamite: NOW, I AIN'T

GOT TIME TO EXPLAIN, BUT THERE MAY BE DANGER LURKIN' AROUND

EACH AND EVERY NIPPLE OF THIS TITTY BAR.

>> WHATEVER MOTHERFUCKER. IS YOU EATING PUSSY OR NOT?

>> Black Dynamite: UH, EXCUSE ME?

>> LOOK, YOU CAN EITHER LICK IT OR STICK IT, BUT QUIT IT IF YOU

CAN'T DO NOTHIN' WITH IT.

IF YOU CAN DO SOMETHIN' WITH IT, MOTHERFUCKER COME GET IT!

>> Black Dynamite: [ GULPS ] MAYBE THE BITCH SHOULD GET

KIDNAPPED.

>> SHIT IT'S BLACK DYNAMITE.

RUN!

>> OH SHIT MAN, I'M TIRED AS HELL!

>> I THOUGHT BLACK PEOPLE SUPPOSED TO BE SPRINTERS.

THIS GUYS DOING A GODDAMN MARATHON.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? ! >> Black Dynamite: WHERE ARE THE

"BLACKITY BLACK BLACK" ACTORS THAT YOU KIDNAPPED, AND WHERE

ARE THEY KIDNAPPED AT?

>> WE DIDN'T KIDNAP NOBODY, BLACK DYNAMITE!

ALL WE DID WAS DRESS UP LIKE SOME BITCHES SO WE COULD AMBUSH

MELVIN FOR SOME DUES SO WE COULD GET OUR CABLE BACK ON!

>> Black Dynamite: SO, YOU WERE THE THREE UGLY BITCHES.

DAMN, Y'ALL SOME SNEAKY PUMAS.

THE KIDNAPPERS DROPPED A CLUE THAT LED ME TO THIS CLUB.

SO, IF IT AIN'T YOU, WHY YOU HERE?

>> LOOK, MAN, WE JUST HERE TO ENJOY OURSELVES, THROW A COUPLE

DRAWERS ON THE STAGE, AND GIVE A FEW BITCHES THEIR DIGNITY BACK.

MAN, I PROMISE!

WE AIN'T KIDNAP NOBODY!

>> Black Dynamite: THEN WHO DID IT, DAMN IT?

WHO?

>> BILL COSBY - THAT'S WHO!

WE HEARD THE WORD ON THE STREET THAT THIS WAS HIS HANGOUT.

>> Black Dynamite: WAIT.

COSBY, LIKE JELL-O PUDDING, DATE-RAPIN' COSBY?

WHY WOULD HE DO IT?

>> WORD ON THE STREET IS HE'S STARTING A REVOLUTION TO CHANGE

BLACK TELEVISION AND FILM, AND THAT'S ALL I KNOW, MAN.

>> Black Dynamite: WHAT ELSE?

WHAT OTHER WORDS WERE ON THAT STREET, DAMN IT?

>> OKAY, OKAY, THE WORD ON THE STREET DID SAY ONE MORE THING.

IF COSBY CAN'T STOP ALL THE BLACK ACTORS FROM COONIN' AND

JIVIN' IN HOLLYWOOD, HE SAID HE'S GONNA KILL THEM ALL.

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE [ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

>> HUXTABLE RESIDENCE.

NAH, DENISE AIN'T HOME, SUCKER, BUT I GOT PLENTY OF OTHER HOES

THAT WILL STUDY WITH YOU AND SUCK YOUR -

>> CUT! CUT! NO! NO! NO!

THEODORE WOULD NEVER SAY "AIN'T" AND "SUCKER" AND "FILTH FLARN

FILTH"!

JUST READ WHAT'S ON THE PAPER!

>> LOOK, POPS, I'M SORRY, BUT MY MOUTH JUST DON'T FORM NO SQUARE

WORDS, YOU DIG?

I GOT TO ACT LIKE ME.

>> LOOK, I AM TRYING TO CREATE THE MOST ETHICAL BLACK FAMILY

SHOW IN THE WORLD!

AND I NEED YOU TO ALL BEHAVE LIKE JELL-O PUDDING-POP EATING,

COKE-AND-A-SMILE-HAVING, COLORFUL-SWEATER-WEARING

HUXTABLES!

NOW SET UP THE NEXT SCENE, PLEASE!

>> CLAIRE! CLAIRE!

MOTHERFUCKER I'M CALLING YOU!

>> I'M COMING, SUCKER.

I WAS BAKING SOME COOKIES FOR YOUR RAGGEDY ASS.

>> BITCH, YOU KNOW I DON'T WANT NO DUNCAN HINES.

I WANT SOME OF THAT NOOKIE COOKIE FROM THE FRONT DOOR OF

YOUR BEHIND.

>> CUT! CUT!

>> THAT'S IT.

WE AIN'T GOT TO PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT

LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

>> YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!

IT IS NOW CLEAR YOU WILL NOT PERFORM WITH SELF-RESPECT AND

DECENCY, SO I HAVE TO REPROGRAM YOU.

IT IS TIME FOR PHASE TWO.

LET THE REPROGRAMMING BEGIN.

DOUBLE DUHHHH!

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE [ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

>> OKAY, ON "ACTION," I WANT YOU TO JUMP OFF THIS SIX-STORY

BUILDING, AND HOPEFULLY YOU'LL LAND ON THIS AIR MATTRESS, OKAY?

>> Honey Bee: OKAY, OKAY.

WAIT. WHAT YOU SAY?

>> ACTION!

[ SHOUTING CONTINUES ] >> Honey Bee: WAIT.

WHAT THE HELL?

ARE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS THROWING FRUIT?

OW!

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

>> UGH!

>> WHOA!

>> CUT! CUT!

[ SHOUTING CONTINUES ] >> Bullhorn: MAN, I DONE READ

EVERY MOTHERFUCKING LINE IN THIS SCRIPT FROM HEAD TO TOE, AND I

AIN'T SEE NO SCENE WHERE MY ASS GETS HIT WITH A "TO-MAY-TO" OR A

"TO-MAH-TO"!

>> CREAM CORN, THIS WAS A DUMB-ASS IDEA.

>> Honey Bee: BLACK DYNAMITE, BLACK DYNAMITE, WHERE ARE YOU?

I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M GONNA BE KILLED BY A GRAPEFRUIT OR A

BANANA.

>> Black Dynamite: DO YOU KNOW WHERE BILL COSBY IS?

DO Y'ALL KNOW WHERE BILL COSBY IS?

TELL ME WHERE BILL COSBY IS, OR I'M-A -

>> MOTHERFUCKER CHECK THE JELL-O PUDDING PLANT.

>> Black Dynamite: I ALREADY BEEN TO THE GODDAMN JELL-O

PLANT.

[ AUDIENCE GASPS ] [ CLEARS THROAT ]

S-SO, I SAID TO THE CHINAMAN, "I THREW THAT SHIT BEFORE I WALKED

IN THE ROOM!" UH, WELL FUCK Y'ALL.

[ BLUES MUSIC PLAYS ] ♪ 'CAUSE THE CARS TOOK

THEM AWAY ♪ >> AS YOU CAN SEE, THE BLACK

COMMUNITY IS IN AN UPROAR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THE NEGRO STARS HAVE BEEN STOLEN, AND APPARENTLY THEIR

LESS-THAN-TALENTED REPLACEMENTS AREN'T BEING RECEIVED VERY WELL.

IF ONLY THERE WAS A REAL HERO OUT THERE THAT COULD SAVE THESE

ACTORS, SOMEONE THAT'S BIG, BLACK, AND DYNAMITE!

BUT RIGHT NOW, IT SEEMS AS THOUGH THERE ISN'T.

>> Black Dynamite: MAN, THESE BLACK STARS REALLY MEAN A LOT TO

THIS COMMUNITY.

IN THE MOVIES, THE HERO ALWAYS GETS HIS MAN.

WHY CAN'T I?

MAYBE BLACK DYNAMITE AIN'T THE REAL BLACKITY, BLACK, BLACK,

BLACK HERO HE THOUGHT HE WAS.

>> WELL FUCK YOU, TOO!

I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL MY MANAGER WOULD BOOK MY NASTY ASS

AT A SQUARE MOTHERFUCKING CLUB LIKE THIS, ANYWAY.

WHY THE LONG FACE, HONEY?

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU LOST YOUR DICK.

>> Black Dynamite: NAH, I STILL GOT MY DICK, MOMS MABLEY.

WHAT I DON'T HAVE IS BILL COSBY.

HE'S KIDNAPPED ALL THE BLACK STARS, AND I CAN'T FIND HIM.

>> YOU LOOKIN' FOR BILL?

ME AND BILL GO WAY BACK TO THE DAYS OF FUCKIN' BUT THE ONLY

PROBLEM WAS, HE WASN'T DOIN' NO FUCKIN'

IN FACT, HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT ME TO TALK ABOUT FUCKIN'

SHIT, THAT'S MY WHOLE ACT.

>> Black Dynamite: SO, YOU CAN SHOW ME WHERE TO FIND HIM SO

THAT BLACK DYNAMITE CAN PROVE TO HIS COMMUNITY HE'S THE REAL

BAD-ASS ACTION HERO HE KNOWS HE IS?

>> OF COURSE, BABY.

>> Black Dynamite: THANK YOU, MOMS MABLEY.

>> RIGHT AFTER YOU THROW ME ONE RIGHT QUICK.

>> Black Dynamite: WHAT?

>> HEY, WITH GREAT DICK COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.

[ LAUGHS ] >> Black Dynamite: ALL RIGHT,

COME ON, LET'S HURRY THIS SHIT UP.

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE >> AAH!

>> NO! NO! NO!

NOW, WHERE IS COCKROACH?

>> HERE I AM.

AAH!

>> NOW, YOU KNOWS I'M A FREAK, SO GET ON YOUR KNEES LIKE

"A WHORA," OR I'M GONNA HAVE YOU ON THE STREET SELLIN' THAT

BUSH MEAT "DOORA" TO "DOORA"!

>> THAT'S NOT THE LINE!

YOU DON'T SAY "DOORA"!

THE LETTER IS "R"!

IT'S "R," AS IN "ARE YOU STUPID?"

>> AAH!

"ARRA" MOTHERFUCKER "ARRA"!

"R." "R."

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, MOTHER FILTH FLARN?

"R."

>> KOO-KOO-KA-CHOO!

I THINK THEY'VE GOT IT!

I'M ALMOST DONE!

PAMMY, BABY, YOU ARE THE LAST ONE.

>> YOU WANT ME TO STRIP?

[ LAUGHS ] COOL.

>> NO, I WANT YOU TO PUT IT ON!

PUT IT ON!

PUT IT ON!

[ LAUGHTER ] [ BOINK! BOINK! BOINK! ]

>> HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

THIS IS SO HUMILIATING.

BILL COSBY, YOU'RE A MONSTER!

>> YOU LOOK SO DIGNIFIED, BABY!

JUST ONE MORE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING, AND MY MISSION WILL BE

COMPLETE!

>> Black Dynamite: AHH-SUEY!

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE >> BLACK DYNAMITE, I'M SO GLAD

YOU'RE HERE.

>> Black Dynamite: UNCOVER THOSE TITTIES, PAM.

PLANETS THAT HEAVENLY ARE MEANT TO BE IN ORBIT.

BILL COSBY, YOUR HATE FOR BLAXPLOITATION IS ONLY

OUTMATCHED BY YOUR ZEST FOR REVERSE STRIP TREACHERY.

>> BLACK DYNAMITE, ARE YOU CRAZY, BUSTING INTO MY PLACE,

MESSING UP A PERFECTLY GOOD REVERSE STRIP!

>> Black Dynamite: BILL COSBY, UNHAND THOSE BLAXPLOITATION

STARS, OR I'M GONNA EXPLOIT MY BLACK FIST IN YOUR FACE, CAN YOU

DIG IT?

>> LOOK BEHIND YOU - IT'S SIDNEY POITIER.

>> Black Dynamite: YOU DON'T EXPECT ME TO FALL FOR THE OLD

"SIDNEY POITIER BEHIND THE BACK" TRICK.

THAT'S THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.

BLACK DYNAMITE'S BEEN AROUND TOO LONG FOR -

>> NOW, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU NEED TO BE REPROGRAMMED, TOO.

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SCOWLING?

YOU ARE SCARING WHITE PEOPLE!

I WANT YOU TO SMILE!

>> Black Dynamite: I AM SMILING.

>> "I AM SMILING"? NO!

THIS IS A SMILE!

DUHHHH!

NOW YOU...WILL SMILE!

[ ELECTRICITY ZAPPING ] >> Black Dynamite: YOUR ELECTRIC

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION COULD NEVER WORK ON ME 'CAUSE I'M NO

ACTOR.

I'M A REAL BAD-ASS SHIT TALKING, ASS-KICKIN' MOTHERFUCKA

CAN YOU DIG IT?

>> NO, I CAN'T DIG IT, BUT YOU CAN DIG THESE FILTH FLAWRNS!

>> WHAT THE FUCK IS A FILTH FLAWRN MOTHERFUCKER?!

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE >> NO! NOT YOU!

>> YEAH MOTHERFUCKER IT'S ME AND MY PUSSY THAT YOU

WOULDN'T EAT.

>> DOHHH!

>> YOU NO PUSSY SUCKIN' SON OF A BITCH, YOU ASS-FACE FUCKER

BITCH-ASS BUMBLE FUCK BASTARD, YOU CUNT FACE

COCK SMOKIN' DOUCHEBAG GODDAMN DICK WEASEL OF A FUCK

FUCK >> Black Dynamite: THAT'S IT

MOMS MABLEY, KEEP TALKIN' THAT SHIT

>> YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A RIM-JOBBING SHIT SPITTIN'

BLACK COCK LIP-HAVIN' MOTHERFUCKIN' COCK SUCKING

SUCKIN SON OF A BITCH!

>> [ CRYING ]

>> Black Dynamite: DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO WAIT YOUR ASS IN THE CAR?

>> SHIT. I CAN LEAVE YOUR BLACK ASS TIED UP IF YOU WANT

ME TO.

>> NOT SO FAST, MOMS MABLEY.

[ GUN COCKS ] GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER.

>> BROWN HORNETS!

>> Black Dynamite: MAN, I HOPE YOU ACTORS CAN ACT LIKE Y'ALL

CAN REALLY FIGHT.

>> JUST KEEP COOL.

I WILL HANDLE THIS.

>> HOO-WHEE! HOOP-HOOP!

HOO-WHEE!

>> Black Dynamite: JIM KELLY, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN.

ALL OF YOU, SIT! SIT!

>> GET THAT MOTHERFUCKER DAHHHH!

>> Black Dynamite: AHH-SUEY!

>> I JUST WANTED NIGGAS TO DO BETTER, BLACK DYNAMITE!

>> Black Dynamite: BILL COSBY, YOU CAN'T EXPECT ALL THE BLACK

COMMUNITY TO BE INCREDIBLY INTELLIGENT, INSIGHTFUL, AND

HILARIOUSLY FUNNY COMEDY MEN, JUST LIKE I CAN'T EXPECT THEM

ALL TO BE SUPER-BAD, EX-C. I.A., PRIVATE-EYE, ASS-KICKIN'

MACHINES LIKE MYSELF.

BUT WITH BLACK EXPLOITATION MOVIES, AT LEAST MOTHERFUCKERS

CAN FANTASIZE ABOUT IT.

AFTER ALL, THESE ARE THE ONLY HEROES THEY GOT ON THE BIG

SCREEN.

AND EVEN IF HOLLYWOOD DID MAKE A BLACK SUPER HERO, THEY'D

PROBABLY MAKE HIM A DAMN HELL SPAWN OR SOMETHING.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT, BLACK DYNAMITE.

I'M SORRY.

>> Black Dynamite: WELL, YOU CAN STILL MAKE YOUR LITTLE COSBY

SHOW, BILL COSBY.

WHO KNOWS?

IT COULD MAKE A DIFFERENT WORLD FOR OUR PEOPLE IN TELEVISION.

BUT IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN WITH THESE CATS.

CAN YOU DIG IT?

>> DUG!

OHH!

>> IT'S "ARRA" MOTHERFUCKER! "ARRA"!

>> OHH!

>> WELL, YOU HEARD IT HERE, FOLKS.

THE "BLACKITY BLACK BLACK BLACK" STARS ARE BACK!

AND ONCE AGAIN, THE BLACK COMMUNITY HAS BIG BLACK HEROES

ON THE BIG WHITE SCREEN, THANKS TO THE ONE AND ONLY REAL HERO IN

THE BLACK COMMUNITY, BLACK DYNAMITE.

>> WELL, NOW THAT EVERYTHING IS BACK TO NORMAL, LET'S FINISH

THIS "BLACKITY BLACK BLACK BLACK" MOVIE ONCE AND FOR ALL!

AND ACTION!

>> I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THESE FILTHY FLAWRNS DID NOT WANT TO

CLEAN UP THEIR ACT.

WELL, MORE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS FOR ME!

>> WHATEVER MOTHERFUCKER IS YOU EATIN' PUSSY OR NOT?

>> OH! SORRY!

DUHHH!

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE >> [ LAUGHS ]

>> [ GURGLING ]

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