Original subtitles

>> OKAY, OKAY, MAN. SHH, SHH!

COME ON, BABY.

HOW MUCH BASE DO YOU NEED?

>> MAN, I'M GIVING YOU $2, A CHEESEBURGER WITH NO CHEESE ON

IT, AND CONJOINED CAMBODIAN TWINS.

THAT'S GOT TO BE WORTH MORE BASE THAN THAT.

[ SIREN WAILS ] >> SHIT! THE COPS!

>> WAIT! WHAT ABOUT MY BASE?!

POLICE! STOP HIM!

HE STOLE MY BASE!

[ SIRENS WAILING ] [ TIRES SCREECH ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ] >> COME ON, LAMONT.

GIVE IT UP. IT'S OVER.

>> WE GOT YOU FOR DRUGS, AND WE GOT YOU FOR MURDER.

>> M-M-MURDER?

WHAT - WHAT MURDER?

>> [ Chuckling ] THE ONE YOU'RE BEING FRAMED FOR WITH THIS

BULLSHIT EVIDENCE WE'RE GONNA PLANT.

[ LAUGHS CRUELLY ] >> [ Voice breaking ] I CAN'T DO

LIFE.

LIFE IS WHAT KILLED MY FATHER.

BESIDES, I CAN'T GET MY NEW SUEDE PUMAS WET.

DAMN, LIFE OR WET PUMAS?

WHAT A FUCKED UP DAY THIS HAS TURNED OUT TO BE.

[ GUNS COCK ] NAH, FUCK IT. BYE, BITCH.

[ BABY CRIES ] AAAAAHH!

[ WATER SLOSHES ] >> WELL, DID HE FLY?

BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL HE JUMPED IN THE WATER!

HE'S BLACK!

>> [ LAUGHS ] NICE TRY, PIGS!

DIDN'T THINK A BLACK MAN COULD SWIM, DID YOU?

[ THUD ] AAH!

[ "JAWS" THEME PLAYS ] [ GRUNTS ]

HELP! COME IN HERE AND GET ME!

PLEASE COME GET ME! HELP!

I'D RATHER GO TO JAIL!

[ SCREAMING ] MY GUTS!

[ SCREAMS ] [ MUSIC INTENSIFIES ]

[ SHARK ROARING ] >> HOLD ON TO YOUR BLACK BALLS!

IT'S BLACK JAWS!

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE! >> ♪ HE'S DYNAMITE

♪ SO DYNAMITE ♪ OOOHHH, OOOHHH

♪ OOOHHH ♪ AHHHH

♪ HE'S DYNAMITE ♪ DY-NO, DY-NO

♪ OOOHHH, OOOHHH ♪ OOOOHHHH

♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE! >> THIS WEEK...

[ VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS, MONITOR BEEPING, BUZZING ]

[ DOOR OPENS ] >> [ ROARS ]

[ SOUR NOTES PLAY ] DAMN IT, KISSINGER!

THE BLACK SPADE INVADERS GOT ME!

>> [ Monotone ] SORRY, NIX.

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT, ANYWAY?

>> IT'S TIME FOR YOUR DAILY BLACK BRIEFING, DICK.

>> GIVE IT TO ME, KISS.

AND REMEMBER, BAD BLACK NEWS IS GOOD WHITE NEWS.

>> LET ME JUST FIRE UP THE OLD R.A.C.I.S.T.

[ POWERING UP ] WE JUST CONFIRMED THAT THE

AGENT ORANGE KOOL-AID WE SELL IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY DOES, IN

FACT, CAUSE CANCER.

>> WAIT.

WHY ARE YOU CONFIRMING THAT THE THING WE CREATED TO CAUSE CANCER

CAUSES CANCER?

>> MY BAD.

WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE HERE?

>> THE SELF-HATING JHERI- CURL ACTIVATOR WE CREATED IS NOT

CATCHING ON.

WE SHOULD PUT THIS ONE ON AN ICE CUBE UNTIL WE FIND THE

RIGHT NIGGAS WITH ATTITUDES TO MAKE IT POPULAR.

>> BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. NEXT.

>> NOTHING ELSE TOO INTERESTING.

>> THERE ARE SPORADIC REPORTS OF SHARK ATTACKS ON BLACKS.

TO INCREASE BLOOD PRESSURE IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY, WE ARE

ADDING SODIUM TO SPORTS CLOTHING.

WE ARE GOING TO BUY THE NBA.

>> STOP THE PICKANINNY PRESSES.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT DARKY SHARKY SHIT.

>> FIRST, A ROUTINE NEGRO FRAME-UP WAS INTERRUPTED BY A

SHARK ATTACK.

LATER, AN INTERRACIAL COUPLE WAS ATTACKED, BUT THE SHARK DID

NOT EAT THE WHITE GIRL.

IN FACT, THE SHARK EVEN GAVE HER A RIDE HOME.

>> WHERE'S THAT SOUL-FOOD-PEOPLE-EATING SHARK

NOW?

>> THE SHARK WILL MOST LIKELY FOLLOW A PATH DOWN THE COAST.

>> FANTASTIC.

NOW WE NEED A WAY TO GET THE ENTIRE NEGRO POPULATION IN THE

WATER AT ONCE.

KISS, WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU MIX MUSIC, FOOD, FANCY CARS,

MOTORCYCLES, ASS, AND NEGROES TOGETHER WITH WATER?

>> I DON'T KNOW. GOOD TIMES?

>> BLACK BEACH WEEK!

GET THE MAYOR OF THAT PODUNK SHIT BEACH TOWN ON THE PHONE

AND HAVE HIM THROW THE BIGGEST, FUNKIEST, BLACKEST PARTY THE

BEACH HAS EVER SEEN.

WE'LL CALL IT "OPERATION BLAQUA PARTY."

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE >> Honey Bee: UNH-UNH-UNH!

I GOT MY GOLD "FUCK 'EM GIRL" BATHING SUIT ON, MY

MATCHING CORNROWS, GOT THE TITTIES PERCOLATIN'.

HA HA!

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW MANY SUCKAS I CAN TURN DOWN AT THIS

BLAQUA PARTY.

>> Cream Corn: HA!

YOU THINK SOMEBODY GONNA TALK TO YOU, C-3PO?

WELL, MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU, GIRL.

>> Honey Bee: I'M-A FORCE MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS, LOOKIN' LIKE A

BLACK MICHELIN MAN.

>> Cream Corn: HEY, AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M-A GET MY BEAUTIFUL

HAIR WET, 'CAUSE IF I DO GET MY DO WET, IT WON'T LOOK WET

ANYMORE.

>> Bullhorn: [ GROANS ] >> Honey Bee: DAMN!

BULLHORN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

>> Bullhorn: I BEEN FASTING MY ASS OFF FOR THREE DAYS PREPARING

FOR THIS SOUL FOOD EATIN' CONTEST.

I'VE GOT TO BE THE HUNGRIEST MOTHERFUCKA IN ALL OF

LOS ANGELES!

>> Cream Corn: WELL, IT'S TOO BAD YOU'RE GONNA LOSE.

YOU KNOW THICK JAMES GONNA BE THERE.

HE DONE WON EVERY SOUL FOOD EATIN' CONTEST THIS

COMMUNITY EVER HAD.

>> Bullhorn: MAN FUCK THICK JAMES.

I CAN EAT 10 WHALES WITH A SIDE OF BUFFALO AND THEIR WINGS!

IT'S BULLHORN THAT'LL BE THE NEW SOUL-FOOD KING.

THAT IS...

[ STOMACH CHURNS ] ...IF I COULD MAKE IT TO THIS

DAMN THING.

>> Cream Corn: BLACK DYNAMITE, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT WEARING YOUR

EVERYDAY ASS-KICKING CLOTHES TO THE BEACH.

YOU GONNA LOOK RIDICULOUS IF YOU DON'T LOOK RIDICULOUS.

>> Black Dynamite: IT'S ONLY A BEACH, CREAM CORN - JUST A

BIG-ASS BATHTUB WITH FISH IN IT.

AND IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE BIG- ASS BATHTUB WITH FISH IN IT, YOU'VE

SEEN 'EM ALL.

BESIDES, BEACHES ARE FOR BITCHES.

>> Honey Bee: I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT, AND THIS BITCH IS ABOUT

TO BE THE SEXIEST BITCH ON THE BEACH.

I'M TELLING YOU, WHEN I HIT THE SAND, THERE WON'T BE A SOFT

DICK IN SIGHT!

[ CHUCKLES ] EXCEPT FOR Y'ALL'S, OF COURSE,

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THAT WOULD BE JUST WEIRD.

UGH!

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE >> HEY, Y'ALL. LET'S DO THIS.

[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ] >> IN YOUR FACE!

[ CHATTER CONTINUES ] >> OH, YEAH.

>> LET'S GO GET SOME!

[ FEEDBACK ] >> "WELCOME, DARKNESS-"

DARKNESSES? HMM.

"WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL BLAQUA PARTY.

PLEASE, BLACK CRAYOLA CRICKETS..."

>> CRAYOLA?

>> "...STAY IN THE WATER FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN, AND NO MATTER

WHAT HAPPENS, DO NOT GET OUT."

[ PARTYGOERS MURMURING ] >> Black Dynamite: HMM.

THERE'S SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT THIS BEACH PARTY, AND IT AIN'T

THE FISH.

>> LOOK, THEY GOT MERRY HOS ON THE MERRY-HO-ROUND IN THE WATER!

COME ON! LET'S GO!

[ CHILDREN CHEERING, LAUGHING ] [ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS, CHILDREN

LAUGHING ] >> Bullhorn: BEFORE I CAN WIN

THIS CONTEST OF SWININ' AND DININ', SOMEBODY NEEDS TO CARRY

MY BLACK ASS TO THE SIGN- IN BOOTH SO MY BLACK ASS CAN SIGN

IN.

[ ALL GASP ] LOOK! UP IN THE SKY!

IT'S A TURD! IT'S A TRAIN!

>> IT'S THICK JAMES, BITCH!

[ CROWD CHEERING, FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> OH!

[ LAUGHS ] [ WHISTLE! ]

[ ALL CHEER ] >> THICK JAMES!

EAT ME LIKE A PIECE OF CORNBREAD.

[ SLURP! SLURP! ] >> [ Deep voice ] I'M

THICK JAMES, BITCH.

ENJOY YOURSELVES.

[ LAUGHS ] [ CROWD CHANTING "THICK JAMES" ]

[ STOMACH CHURNS ] >> Bullhorn: [ GROANS ]

[ WOMEN LAUGHING ] >> Cream Corn: HEY, COME ON IN,

BLACK DYNAMITE.

IT'S SO MUCH FUN.

BRING THEM BEACH BALLS OVER HERE, GIRL.

STOP PLAYIN'.

>> Black Dynamite: NOT NOW, CREAM CORN.

CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO BUILD A SAND WHOREPHANAGE?

>> Cream Corn: OKAY, BLACK DYNAMITE, SUIT YOURSELF.

YOUR LOSS.

[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ] MAN, IF THEY HAD BLAQUA PARTIES

LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME, MY BLACK ASS WOULD LIVE IN THE SEA!

>> Honey Bee: I'M SURE YOU WOULD, BLAQUA MAN.

>> Cream Corn: HEY!

BLACK DYNAMITE!

YOU SAID BEACHES WAS FOR BITCHES - YOU BETTER COME GET

SOME OF THESE BITCHES WHILE THEY STILL WET.

>> Black Dynamite: BLACK DYNAMITE DON'T COME TO

BITCHES - BITCHES COME TO BLACK DYNAMITE.

NOW, WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP WHILE GROWN FOLKS IS

BUILDING A SAND WHOREPHANAGE?

>> Cream Corn: SORRY, BLACK DYNAMITE.

MORE WET BITCH FOR ME.

>> Honey Bee: DAMN.

I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO TURN DOWN ONE MAN YET!

OH, I'M - I'M-A DO A SEXY RUN DOWN THE BEACH.

THAT ALWAYS GETS 'EM.

[ ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS ] [ ALL GASP ]

>> OH, MAN!

>> [ GASPS ] [ ALL GASP ]

[ BOING! ] >> MM-MMM! DAMN!

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN A WHITE GIRL WITH CORNROWS BEFORE.

OH, MAN! THAT BITCH BAD!

IT'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE NOVELTY OF IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

IT'S LIKE SEEING A BIGFOOT IN THIS MOTHER.

>> HEY, THERE, WHITE BITCH, WHERE YOU GOIN'?

>> BLACK DYNAMITE, CAN YOU TEACH ME HOW TO SURF?

>> Black Dynamite: DAMN IT, LITTLE ORPHAN PENNY.

YOU MADE ME FUCK UP THE SIGN.

AND JUST FOR THAT, YOU GOT TO TEACH YOUR OWN SELF HOW TO SURF.

>> [ CHUCKLES MOCKINGLY ] [ Singsong voice ] MINE LOOKS

WAY BETTER THAN YOURS!

>> Black Dynamite: A FUCKING CASTLE.

HOW ORIGINAL.

>> NIGGA THAT AIN'T GONNA STICK WITHOUT NO WATER.

HERE.

[ "JAWS" THEME PLAYS ] [ MUSIC STOPS ]

[ "JAWS" THEME PLAYS ] >> HEY, MY TOWEL!

>> I GOT A TOWEL.

>> YO, WHAT'S UP, GIRL?

RIGHT ON.

>> Black Dynamite: CREAM CORN!

SHARK! SHARK!

GET OUT THE WATER!

[ ALL SCREAMING ] CREAM CORN, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

>> Cream Corn: [ LAUGHS ] STOP! THAT TICKLES!

THAT TICKLES!

YOU GOIN' MAKE PEE ON MYSELF - AGAIN!

>> [ LAUGHS ] >> [ LAUGHS MOCKINGLY ]

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A REAL SHARK.

YOU STUPID.

[ LAUGHS ] >> Black Dynamite: SUEY!

THERE. NOW WE EVEN.

>> [ SOBBING ] [ ALL CHEERING ]

>> Bullhorn: BRING ON THE CHITLINS, COLLARD GREENS, AND

HAM-HOCK MEAT.

LET'S GET THIS MOTHERFUCKER STARTED.

I'M READY TO EAT.

>> EVERYONE, TAKE YOUR SEATS.

WE'RE ABOUT TO BEGIN THE SOUL FOOD -

>> FUCK YOUR SPEECH, NIGGA.

FUCK YOUR SPEECH.

[ WOOD CREAKS ] LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

[ LAUGHS ] I'M THICK JAMES, BITCH.

[ LAUGHS ] [ WISTFUL MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ON YOUR MARCH...

>> WE'RE ON, NIGGA.

[ MUSIC STOPS, GUNSHOT ] [ CONTESTANTS MUNCHING RAPIDLY,

CROWD CHEERING ] >> MMM! MM-MMM!

>> I'M THICK JAMES, BITCH.

TOO BAD YOU SLOW MOTHERFUCKERS GOT TO CHEW YOUR FOOD.

[ LAUGHS ] I'M THICK JAMES, BITCH.

[ CROWD CHANTING "THICK JAMES" ] [ BURPS MONSTROUSLY ]

[ PARTYGOERS GAGGING ] >> OH! MY MOUTH WAS OPEN!

>> FOOD IS A HELL OF A DRUG.

>> AND THE WINNER IS THICK JAMES.

[ CROWD CHEERING ] >> [ CHUCKLES ]

THICK JAMES IS TRULY TOUCHED BY YOUR KINDNESS.

FIRST, THOUGH, I'D LIKE TO THANK MY LORD AND SAVIOR FOR BLESSING

ME WITH SUCH A WIDE THROAT, MAKING ME GREEDY ENOUGH TO

SWALLOW SUCH QUANTITIES OF FOOD AT ONE TIME.

[ GAGGING ] [ PARTYGOERS GASP ]

[ CONTINUES GAGGING ] [ FEEDBACK ]

>> AND THE NEW WINNER IS, UH, BULLHORN!

[ CROWD CHEERING ] AND NOW TO PRESENT THE TROPHY TO

THE NEW CHAMP, THE SEXIEST AND ONLY WHITE WOMAN ON THE BEACH,

INTERNATIONAL MOVIE STAR BO DEREK.

[ CROWD CHEERING ] >> HA HA!

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!

[ CROWD CHANTING "WHITE BITCH" ] COME ON, WHITE GIRL!

[ CHANTING CONTINUES ] [ "JAWS" THEME PLAYS ]

>> Black Dynamite: MAN.

ALL THIS HAVING FUN AND HAPPINESS WITH NOTHING GOING

WRONG, IT'S LIKE THERE'S NO REASON FOR BLACK DYNAMITE TO

EVEN BE HERE.

>> OOH! LOOK, BLACK DYNAMITE!

I'M SURFING ALL BY MYSELF!

>> Black Dynamite: STOP PLAYING WITH THAT FUCKIN' FAKE SHARK

FIN, LITTLE ORPHAN ARNOLD.

IT'S NOT FUNNY.

>> OKAY, BLACK DYNAMITE.

[ "JAWS" THEME PLAYS ] >> Black Dynamite: SURF,

LITTLE ORPHAN PENNY!

SURF LIKE I NEVER TAUGHT YOU HOW TO SURF BEFORE!

[ SHARK ROARING ] NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE!

[ SHARK ROARING, ALL SCREAMING ] >> Cream Corn: BLACK DYNAMITE!

SAVE MY ASS! THERE'S A SHARK!

[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ] [ SHARK ROARING ]

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> Black Dynamite: ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

>> [ Weakly ] BLACK DYNAMITE, YOU AIN'T SHIT

>> BLACK DYNAMITE!

[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ] >> Black Dynamite: LIFEGUARD!

OUT THERE IN THE WATER, THERE'S A...

>> AAH! GET OUT OF THE WATER!

>> COME ON, MAN.

HELP HIM, BLACK DYNAMITE.

>> DO SOMETHING, BLACK DYNAMITE!

[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ] >> GOD DAMN, THAT WAS YOUR

DADDY!

>> Cream Corn: OH, DAMN!

>> WHY THE HELL YOU AIN'T HELPING, BLACK DYNAMITE?

>> Black Dynamite: BECAUSE I CAN'T SWIM, DAMN IT!

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? I SAID IT.

BLACK DYNAMITE CAN'T FUCKIN' SWIM.

>> [ GASPS ] >> WHAT?

>> Black Dynamite: AND WHEN THE FUCK DID Y'ALL LEARN HOW TO

SWIM, ANYWAY?

Y'ALL BEEN TAKING LESSONS BEHIND MY BACK?

>> Cream Corn: WAIT.

BUT DIDN'T YOU SWIM AFTER ME IN VIETNAM?

>> Black Dynamite: THAT WAS LAST SEASON, AND BESIDES, I WAS

SUFFERING FROM POSTTRAUMATIC FLASHBACK DISORDER.

[ PARTYGOERS MURMURING ] >> I'M SORRY FOR SAYING YOU

WEREN'T SHIT BLACK DYNAMITE.

I KNOW YOU WEREN'T GONNA LET THAT SHARK EAT ME.

MWAH!

>> Black Dynamite: THANK YOU, LITTLE ORPHAN PENNY, BUT THE

TRUTH IS, BLACK DYNAMITE WAS GONNA LET THAT SHARK EAT THE

HELL OUT YOU BEFORE HE WOULD'VE GOT IN THAT WATER.

>> [ GASPS ] >> IF HE WERE DYNAMITE, HE'D BE

ABLE TO SWIM.

>> Bullhorn: YOU WERE IN THE CIA, AND YOU WAS A NAVY S.E.A.L.

TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU CAN'T SWIM?

MAN, ARE YOU FOR REAL?

>> Honey Bee: YEAH, BLACK DYNAMITE.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

>> Black Dynamite: SOMEHOW I'VE JUST ALWAYS FOUND A WAY TO AVOID

SWIMMING.

>> Cream Corn: BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT BUBBLE BATH YOU TOOK WITH

THE SUPREMES OR THAT TIME YOU WAS IN THE SHOWER WITH

DIANA ROSS, DONNA SUMMER, AND CHAKA KHAN?

>> Black Dynamite: I'M NOT AFRAID OF WATER, JUST SWIMMING,

DAMN IT!

NOW, IF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP WHEN I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU A

FLASHBACK, I CAN GIVE YOU ONE.

>> Cream Corn: SORRY, BLACK DYNAMITE.

GO AHEAD AND FLASH BACK.

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> OH, BLACK DYNAMITE!

PLEASE SWIM OUT THERE AND SAVE OUR KIDS.

[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ] >> Black Dynamite: I WAS A

STATICKY MOTHERFUCKA FOR WEEKS, BUT AT LEAST I DIDN'T

HAVE TO SWIM.

[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ] >> [ MOANING ]

>> OH, WE LOVE YOU, BLACK DYNAMITE.

THANK YOU.

>> OKAY, GUYS.

DR. WU'S UNDERWATER BASE IS DIRECTLY BELOW US.

LET'S SWIM DOWN THERE, INFILTRATE VIA THE DOCKING

PORTS, AND...

BLACK DYNAMITE.

[ GUN COCKS ] BLACK DYNAMITE!

>> WAIT, WAIT! WAIT, WAIT!

[ ALL SCREAM ] >> DAMN IT!

>> Black Dynamite: IN SOME CASES, IT WOULD'VE ACTUALLY

BEEN EASIER JUST TO SWIM, BUT I MANAGED TO FIND A HARDER WAY

NOT TO.

>> BLACK DYNAMITE!

I SEE YOU STANDING THERE!

SWIM OUT HERE AND EASILY SAVE MY LIFE!

[ BOMB BEEPING ] IS THAT A BOMB?

[ SCREAMS ] WHY DOES HE STOP EVERYTHING WITH

BOMBS?!

>> Black Dynamite: YOU SMELL LIKE FISH ASS.

[ THUD ] SO, YOU SEE, I AM POWERLESS TO

SAVE - >> FUCK THIS, RALLO.

I'LL NEVER GET IN THE OCEAN AGAIN.

IT'S STRICTLY WATER GUNS AND FIRE HYDRANTS FOR ME.

>> I'M WITH YOU, RALLO.

LET'S GO.

[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ] [ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

>> [ GROWLS, SLOBBERS ] HELLO?!

DAMN IT, MR. MAYOR, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M BUILDING A SLAVE

SHIP IN A BOTTLE?

>> Uh, Mr. President, I'm sorry to inform you, but the water's

empty, and the party's over, and the shark only got one Negro so

far.

>> NO!

THIS PLAN'S TOO GOOD TO JUST BLOW MY LOAD OVER ONE GHETTO

HAMSTER.

YOU'D BETTER FIND A WAY TO GET THOSE SWAMP DONKEYS BACK IN THE

WATER, OR YOU'LL NEVER MERK IN THIS TITTY AGAIN, WHICH IS

"BUCKWHEAT" FOR, "YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS CITY AGAIN"!

>> UH, BUT MR. PRESIDENT, UH, MERKING IN THIS TITTY IS ALL I

GOT!

[ Line clicks ] H-HELLO?

[ R.A.C.I.S.T. BEEPING ] >> SIR, I BELIEVE THE

R.A.C.I.S.T. HAS AN IDEA.

>> UH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE BLAQUA PARTY, I PRESENT TO

YOU EARTH, WIND, FIRE AND WATER IN THE WATER.

>> OH, FIRE AND WATER!

>> ♪ DO YOU REMEMBER... >> DAMN.

NOBODY CAN RESIST EARTH, WIND, FIRE AND WATER.

COME ON, RALLO.

[ ALL CHEERING ] >> Black Dynamite: MNH-MNH.

COME BACK! IT'S TOO DANGEROUS!

>> Cream Corn: I MEAN, IT WAS JUST ONE LITTLE SHARK ATTACK.

>> Bullhorn: MAN, IT MAY BE RISKY, BUT THIS CONCERT I CANNOT

PASS.

WE BETTER MOVE FAST 'CAUSE AIN'T NO TELLIN' HOW LONG OUR ASSES

WILL LAST.

>> Honey Bee: OH, PLEASE.

A SHARK CAN BITE MY ARM OFF.

I'M-A GET ME A MAN TO TURN DOWN BEFORE I LEAVE.

>> Black Dynamite: CREAM CORN!

HONEY BEE! BULLHORN!

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, AND WHY ARE YOU SNEAKING UP BEHIND ME

ALL MYSTERIOUS LIKE THAT?

[ WIND RUSHING ] >> I WAS ONCE TOLD THAT BITCHES

LIKE MYSTERIOUS MOTHERFUCKERS SO EVER SINCE THEN, I'VE TRIED TO

BE A MYSTERIOUS MOTHERFUCKER >> Black Dynamite: FIRST OF ALL,

IT'S CLEAR THAT THAT'S NOT WORKING OUT FOR YOU.

SECOND OF ALL, THAT STILL DOESN'T TELL ME WHO THE HELL YOU

ARE.

>> OH, MY NAME IS CAPTAIN QUINTON.

I'M A CONSERVATIONIST AND LOVER OF EVERY GODDAMN THING AQUATIC.

SOME CALL ME A NUT, BUT I'M REALLY JUST A "SEAMAN."

[ GIGGLES ] THAT WAS A JOKE.

AW, WHATEVER.

I'VE TRAVELED THE WORLD AND THE SEVEN SEAS.

EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FOR SOMETHING.

BUT WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR IS THAT 200-YEAR-OLD SHARK THAT HAS JUST

REDEVELOPED THE TASTE FOR BLACK BLOOD.

>> Black Dynamite: BLACK BLOOD?

PLEASE TELL ME THAT WAS JUST ANOTHER CORNY JOKE.

>> OH, I NEVER JOKE.

YOU THINK THAT WAS A FUCKIN' RANDOM SHARK ATTACK?

THAT WAS THE WORK OF BLACK JAWS.

[ MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS ] >> Black Dynamite: BLACK JAWS?

DAMN.

I USED TO KNOW A BITCH NAMED BLACK JAWS, AND SHE WAS A

MAN-EATER, TOO, BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

GO ON, CAPTAIN.

>> ALL RIGHT.

BUT I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT THAT BITCH A LITTLE LATER.

NOW, IT ALL STARTED BACK IN SLAVERY, WITH TWO SLAVE CATS

NAMED RALLO.

>> COME ON, NOW. ROLL THE DICE.

>> YEAH, NIGGA, STOP WASTING OUR TIME.

>> HA HA! SNAKE EYES, BITCH!

GIVE IT UP, RALLO!

>> SHIT! HERE HE COMES.

>> ALL RIGHT.

YOU BOYS BETTER NOT BE DOWN THERE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

REMEMBER, THIS IS SLAVERY!

>> RALLO, WE CAN'T HAVE NO FUN WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKAS

ENSLAVING US!

>> I'M ABOUT TO GET THE HELL UP OUT OF HERE, MAN.

WE CAN'T BE TOO FAR FROM AFRICA.

COME ON!

>> SHH!

>> ALL RIGHT. LET'S GOOOO!

FREEDOM!

[ SCREAMS ] >> [ SCREAMS ]

>> THIS IS A BAD IDEA, RALLO!

[ BLACK JAWS GROWLING ] [ ALL SCREAM ]

>> FOR MANY YEARS AFTER THAT, BLACK JAWS FOLLOWED EVERY DAMN

SLAVE SHIP IN HOPES OF GETTING SOME MORE OF THAT BLACK BLOOD,

AND BLACKS STAYED OUT THE WATER FOR MORE THAN 200 YEARS.

NOW, IF WE DON'T DESTROY BLACK JAWS NOW, BLACKS WILL

NEVER BE ABLE TO SWIM IN PEACE AGAIN.

>> Black Dynamite: BUT WHY BLACK BLOOD?

>> HELL, I DON'T KNOW.

BLACK MOTHERFUCKAS MIGHT TASTE LIKE PUMPKIN PIE, BUT I'D NEVER

KNOW THAT.

WHY?

'CAUSE I DON'T EAT BLACK MOTHERFUCKAS

NOW, LOOK, BLACK DYNAMITE, THE FUTURE OF BLACK SWIMMING IS IN

YOUR HANDS.

>> Black Dynamite: WAIT.

WHY MY HANDS?

>> 'CAUSE I CAN GIVE TWO SQUID SHITS ABOUT YOU SUCKAS SWIMMIN',

BUT BECAUSE I'M A MYSTERIOUS NEGRO THAT JUST HAPPENS TO LIKE

CHASING BLACK SHARKS, I'M-A HELP YOU.

[ ALL CHEERING ] >> ♪ BA DE YA

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

♪ BA DE YA [ ALL SCREAM ]

♪ DANCING IN SEPTEMBER >> Honey Bee: OH, MY GOD!

IT ATE WATER! DAMN IT!

I ALMOST HAD HIM, TOO.

>> I WANT TO RUN, RALLO, BUT WHEN'S THE NEXT TIME WE'RE GONNA

GET A FREE EARTH, WIND, FIRE AND WATER

CONCERT - I MEAN A EARTH, WIND, AND FIRE CONCERT.

>> YEAH, YEAH, HE PROBABLY ALREADY DONE EATING.

HE ALREADY ATE TWO.

[ ALL SCREAMING ] I MEAN HE ALREADY THREE GUYS,

SO, YEAH, HE PROBABLY AIN'T EVEN HUNGRY NO MORE.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, RALLO?

[ BLACK JAWS GROWLING ] >> Honey Bee: OKAY, THAT DID IT.

ENOUGH EARTH, WIND, FIRE AND WATER FOR ME.

>> Cream Corn: Y'ALL GO AHEAD.

I'M STILL WAITING ON MY SONG.

>> Black Dynamite: HONEY BEE, BULLHORN - CAPTAIN QUINTON.

HE'S A MYSTERIOUS MOTHERFUCKA THAT KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT

SHARKS AND SHIT >> Cream Corn: HE-E-E-E-LP!

[ SCREAMING ] >> Honey Bee: OH, MY GOODNESS!

THE SHARK GOIN' EAT CREAM CORN!

>> NO, HE AIN'T 'BOUT TO EAT HIM.

HE JUST ATE.

HE'S SAVING HIM FOR LATER.

YOUR BOY CREAM CORN IS A DOGGIE BAG.

>> Black Dynamite: DAMN IT.

WE HAVE TO KILL THAT KILLER SHARK BEFORE THAT KILLER SHARK

KILLS AGAIN.

BUT SINCE WE DON'T HAVE A BOAT, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST SAY OUR

GOODBYES NOW.

>> Honey Bee: NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO KILL HIM!

HE'S DYING. LOOK.

>> NAH, HE AIN'T DEAD.

THAT'S JUST THE SLUGGISH BEHAVIOR SHARKS EXHIBIT AFTER

EATING LARGE QUANTITIES OF FOOD.

THE NAUTICAL TERM IS "THE ITIS."

BUT WHEN HE WAKES UP, OH, HE GONNA CHOMP THE SHIT OUT OF HIS

ASS.

>> Bullhorn: I'M TIRED OF JABBERIN' OUR JAWS.

LET ME AT HIM, MAN, AND I'LL - [ YAWNS ]

>> Honey Bee: LOOKS LIKE BULLHORN GOT THE ITIS, TOO.

GET YOUR ASS UP.

>> LISTEN, WE CAN GO OUT AFTER HIM ON MY BOAT.

>> Honey Bee: BUT WHICH ONE IS YOURS?

>> THE MYSTERIOUS MOTHA FUCKA.

[ CHUCKLES ] NOW, LOOK, WE GONNA NEED SOME

BAIT - SOME NICE BIG BLACK BAIT.

[ SONAR PINGING ] >> Black Dynamite: CREAM CORN!

>> Cream Corn: THE SHARK FUCKED UP MY HAIR, BLACK DYNAMITE!

>> Black Dynamite: FUCK YOUR HAIR, CREAM CORN!

SWIM TO THE DAMN BOAT!

>> Cream Corn: NO!

LOOK AT MY HAIR!

IT'S NOT WORTH IT!

SAVE YOURSELVES!

SAVE YOURSELVES!

>> Honey Bee: CREAM CORN, YOU BETTER GET YOUR CURLS ASS OVER

HERE.

>> Black Dynamite: HURRY, CREAM CORN!

[ SONAR PINGING ] >> IF YOU DON'T SWIM FASTER,

THAT'S YOUR ASS - AND YOUR HAIR, MOTHERFUCKER!

[ BLACK JAWS ROARS ] >> Cream Corn: [ SPITS, GAGS ]

OKAY!

>> SHIT! THIS LEAK CAN'T BE REPAIRED.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET IN THE WATER TO SAVE HIM!

>> Black Dynamite: I CAN'T.

>> WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T?

YOU AIN'T GOT A GODDAMN CHOICE!

>> Black Dynamite: NO, I-I CAN'T SWIM.

WHAT - WHAT IF - WHAT IF I FAIL?

BLACK DYNAMITE CAN'T FAIL.

NO, I-IT'S NOT WORTH THE RISK.

SORRY, CREAM CORN.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO DIE FOR MY PRIDE.

>> Cream Corn: THANK YOU!

>> THAT'S BULLSHIT FEAR OF FAILURE IS FOR

MOTHERFUCKAS THAT AFRAID OF FAILING, AND YOU ARE NOT AFRAID,

AND YOU DON'T FAIL!

WHAT'S SOMETHING YOU CAN DO WELL?

>> Black Dynamite: UH, I FIGHT.

I FUCK I FUCK AND FIGHT.

>> THEN THAT'S IT!

>> Black Dynamite: WHAT'S IT?

>> YOU HAVE TO CONQUER THE SEA WITH THE SAME CONFIDENCE YOU

CONQUERED FUCKIN' WITH!

YOU AIN'T AFRAID OF NO BITCH, RIGHT?

WELL, THE SEA IS THE BADDEST BITCH YOU'LL EVER KNOW.

THE WATER'S WET AND PUSSY IS WET.

IT'S THE SAME THING, BLACK DYNAMITE.

YOU STROKE IT!

YOU IMMERSE YOURSELF IN IT, AND THEN, WHEN YOU'RE READY, YOU

THRUST HARD, AND YOU GO WHEREVER YOU WANT TO GO!

NOW, LOOK, YOU AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR FOREPLAY, SO YOU GOTTA TAKE

THE JAWS OFF THIS BITCH NOW - AAH!

[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ] [ BLACK JAWS GROWLING ]

>> Cream Corn: [ SCREAMS ] [ SCREAMS ]

[ SPITS ] [ BLACK JAWS ROARS ]

>> Black Dynamite: [ WAR CRIES ] HUH?

>> Honey Bee: BULLHORN!

WAKE YOUR ASS UP!

WE NEED YOUR HELP!

[ WAR CRIES ] HERE, TAKE THAT!

WH-WHOA!

[ SCREAMING ] >> Cream Corn: HELP,

BLACK DYNAMITE!

>> Honey Bee: BLACK DYNAMITE!

>> [ Echoing ] THE SEA IS THE BADDEST BITCH YOU'LL EVER KNOW.

THE BADDEST BITCH YOU'LL EVER KNOW.

THRUST HARD, THRUST HARD, THRUST HARD!

>> Black Dynamite: [ WAR CRIES ] SUEY! SUEY! SUEY! SUEY! SUEY!

SUEY!

>> [ FARTS ] >> Black Dynamite: SUEY! SUEY!

>> Honey Bee: [ SCREAMS ] >> Black Dynamite: SUEY!

SUEY!

>> Honey Bee: [ SCREAMS ] >> Black Dynamite: AAH!

[ BLACK JAWS GROANING ]

[ TWINKLE! ]

>> Cream Corn: DAMN.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

>> Black Dynamite: TOO MUCH SOUL FOOD KILLED THICK JAMES, AND TOO

MUCH THICK JAMES KILLED BLACK JAWS.

I GUESS YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT.

>> Bullhorn: UH, Y'ALL LOOK PISSED.

WAS THERE SOMETHING I MISSED?

>> Honey Bee: ANYWAYS, BLACK DYNAMITE, HOW THE HELL WE

GONNA GET BACK TO DRY LAND?

>> Black Dynamite: SUEY! SUEY!

>> STROKE IT! STROKE IT!

STROKE IT! STROKE IT!

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE! [ ALL CHEERING ]

>> ♪ BA DE YA [ SHARK GROWLING ]

[ HORROR MUSIC PLAYS ] >> Honey Bee: AAH!

OH!

[ MUSIC STOPS ] WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, Y'ALL!

IT'S NOT BLACK JAWS - IT'S JUST REGULAR JAWS.

>> Together: OH.

>> Honey Bee: SHARKS ARE BACK TO EATING WHITE PEOPLE AGAIN.

LET THE BLAQUA PARTY CONTINUE!

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE >> ALL RIGHT, WE NEED ANOTHER

WHITE BITCH.

>> NO, NO, NO!

>> I'M SORRY, SIR.

OPERATION BLAQUA PARTY HAS FAILED.

>> THEIR BLACK BLOOD IS JUST TOO FUCKING STRONG.

IF THERE WAS A WAY TO - I DON'T KNOW - SICKLE THEIR CELLS OR...

THAT'S IT!

KISS, GET THE CELL SICKLER ON THE PHONE.

>> ♪ DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE [ FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ I'M IN LOVE WITH CHICKEN WINGS ♪

♪ THEM STRING THINGS ♪ GOTTA FEEL THAT HYPERTENSION

TUGGIN' MY HEARTSTRINGS ♪ ♪ AND WHEN I'M FEELIN' GOOD,

START IT OFF WITH [INDISTINCT] ♪ ♪ HAM HOCKS AND BACON GREASE

♪ DIABETIC...

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