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1
00:00:02,544 --> 00:00:04,046
? He's Dynamite ?
2
00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:07,386
? So dynamite ?
3
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:11,353
? Ooohhh, ooohhh ?
4
00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:13,101
? Ooohhh ?
5
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:14,397
? Ahhhh ?
6
00:00:16,642 --> 00:00:18,986
? He's Dynamite ?
7
00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:21,696
? Dy-no, dy-no ?
8
00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:25,026
? Ooohhh, ooohhh ?
9
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:27,611
? Oooohhhh ?
10
00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:30,197
? Dynamite! Dynamite! ?
11
00:00:32,282 --> 00:00:33,829
This week...
12
00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:40,916
BULLHORN:
Bitch, get your hands off my sack.
13
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:43,718
I got to deliver to Santa,
and I'll be right back.
14
00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:46,092
Special delivery Bullhorn is the name,
15
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:49,516
And laying pipe across the
whole North Pole is my game.
16
00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:52,640
Ain't no letters worse than the
ones that come from orpheens.
17
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:55,393
Their stories break your heart
and make you want to shoot that
18
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:56,769
morphine.
19
00:00:56,848 --> 00:01:00,478
"All I want for Christmas is
some parents with no arms
20
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:03,781
and no legs so they can never
shoot smack and run away.
21
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,232
Little Orphan Penny."
22
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,909
But this year, not only
have these orpheens lost
23
00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:10,363
Their holiday excite,
they also lost their
24
00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:13,790
like for their sole legal
guardian, Black Dynamite!
25
00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:17,878
BLACK DYNAMITE:
? Check them hos, but keep them jolly ?
26
00:01:17,953 --> 00:01:20,251
? Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ?
27
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:22,549
? It's Christmas,
so don't choke nobody ?
28
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:24,797
? Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ?
29
00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:27,095
? No, we don't do gay apparel ?
30
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:28,137
? No, no, no, no, no, no ?
31
00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:29,681
? Hell, no, no ?
32
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:32,930
? Uh, can't think of shit
that rhymes with apparel ?
33
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:36,685
? Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ?
34
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,686
All right,
who wants to help
35
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,938
Black Dynamite spruce
up this Douglas fir?
36
00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:45,068
[cricket chirping]
37
00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:47,366
I'm starting to get the feeling
that me and that cricket are the
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00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,068
only ones with
any Christmas spirit.
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00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:50,152
What gives?
40
00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:51,282
It ain't Christmas,
Black Dynamite.
41
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:52,283
It's you.
42
00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:53,579
Me?
43
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:54,998
I've been giving these
children the Christmas of
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their miserable,
little lives.
45
00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:59,916
Do you mean like yesterday,
when you took them to see Santa?
46
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,172
Ho, ho, ho.
47
00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:04,215
What do you want
for Christmas?
48
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:05,133
[gun cocks]
49
00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:06,585
? Dynamite! Dynamite ?
50
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:09,296
Little motherless Penny ain't
no ho-ho-ho, Santa Claus!
51
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,801
She's a goddamn orphan!
52
00:02:10,881 --> 00:02:11,882
Now say it!
53
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,217
[screams]
54
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:14,768
Least I apologized.
55
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:16,436
I think you might
be missing the point.
56
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:18,559
The point is I spent the
rest of the day doing what
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00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,186
they wanted to do.
58
00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:22,859
Snowball fi-i-i-g ht!
59
00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:24,857
[laughs]
60
00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:28,190
- Suey! Suey! Suey!
- [screams]
61
00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:30,025
? Dynamite! Dynamite ?
62
00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:32,827
[laughs]
63
00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:35,656
Black Dyna...mite,
you... ain't shit.
64
00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:37,741
I gave him some ice for his
little ruptured spleen and
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00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:39,371
broken pelvis.
66
00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:41,624
That shit was in the
spirit of seasonal fun,
67
00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:45,082
which brings to mind the amazing
job of decorating we did!
68
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,509
Now, little orphan Arnold,
plug it in!
69
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:50,133
[electricity crackles]
70
00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:54,217
[screaming]
71
00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:55,346
See right here --
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00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:57,223
This is what Christmas
is all about!
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00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:59,396
This is not what
Christmas is all abo-o-ut!
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00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:02,437
Hmm, you're saying
all the time, care,
75
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:05,110
and effort I put into Christmas
was really just a selfish ego
76
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,779
trip in which I tried
to project some fantasy
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00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,652
of a happy childhood
I never had?
78
00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:11,153
Mm-hmm.
79
00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:12,655
Damn.
80
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,828
Self-awareness
is a cold mother.
81
00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,530
[sighs]
82
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,286
I know this ain't gonna
be fair on y'all,
83
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,333
but here goes.
84
00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:22,457
Scram, I say! Scram!
85
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,788
Split the scene, you turkeys!
86
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,338
Get out of my Christmas!
87
00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:26,381
GIRL:
Girl, don't worry.
88
00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:27,628
He gonna see us in
a few minutes.
89
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:28,925
BLACK DYNAMITE:
I'll see y'all in a few minutes.
90
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,627
GIRL:
Told you.
91
00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:38,093
[slurps]
92
00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:40,770
Black Dynamite, I'm gonna give
it to you straight with no
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00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:42,268
shit in a crock.
94
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,396
You might cop hos by the flock,
but sometimes you ain't the most
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00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,318
likeable motherfucker
on the block.
96
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:49,442
CREAM CORN: Hey, man,
you can't help it if you just unlikeable, B.D.
97
00:03:49,521 --> 00:03:51,148
You got to blame that
on Mama and your Daddy.
98
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,359
If I can't even get them
to like me on Christmas,
99
00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:54,989
then what's the point of
feeding and sheltering and
100
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,615
Putting clothes
on these little
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00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:58,572
motherfuckers in the
first place?
102
00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:01,283
Speaking of little motherfuckers,
little orphan Arnold,
103
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:02,993
if you could have anything
in the world for Christmas,
104
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,828
what would it be?
105
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:12,386
Little orphan Arnold, I don't
know what the fuck this is.
106
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:13,758
It's O.J. Simpson.
107
00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:14,884
Haven't you heard?
108
00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:16,510
He's going to the
moon on Christmas.
109
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,263
What you talking about,
little orphan Arnold?
110
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:19,968
We love him more than
anything in the world.
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00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:22,850
And if you was anything like
O.J., we would love you, too.
112
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:26,979
BULLHORN: Man, O.J. will be the biggest,
blackest monolith in outer space
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00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:31,313
since Stanley Kubrick
made "2001" in 1968.
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00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:32,864
He's that great.
115
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:35,818
Bullhorn, now, don't tell me
you all on O.J.'s rocket, too.
116
00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:38,529
Black Dynamite, I ain't
bone-jacking The Juice or
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00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,491
fag hagging at all,
but this feeling in my balls
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00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:44,747
tells me you got a heavy
history with old Orenthal.
119
00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:47,124
Well, Bullhorn, now that you
dragged the shit out of me
120
00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,706
that I didn't
want dragged out,
121
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,587
I might as well take
it out all the way.
122
00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:53,339
You see, me and O.J. Simpson
grew up together in our
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00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:55,671
childrenhood back when
I was a children.
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00:04:57,547 --> 00:05:00,801
The truth is I had likability
issues even back then.
125
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,602
WOMAN:
10-year-old Black Dynamite,
126
00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:05,476
please spell "White"
and use it in a sentence.
127
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:06,477
"White" --
128
00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:09,059
H-o-n-k-y --
"White."
129
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,190
"The man is a honky devil" --
130
00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:12,065
"White."
131
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,237
WOMAN:
No, I'm sorry.
132
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,315
That is incorrect,
Black Dynamite.
133
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:17,150
True, but incorrect.
134
00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:18,656
Orenthal James.
135
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:22,365
"White" -- W-H-I-T-E --
136
00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:23,494
"White."
137
00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:26,497
"I would love to be
an honorary white" --
138
00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:28,453
A "White ."
139
00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:29,789
[applause]
140
00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:31,248
[camera shutter clicks]
141
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,924
When it came to O.J.,
on the other hand,
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00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,376
everybody liked him --
143
00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,507
White people,
caucasians, honkeys,
144
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,133
Crackers, snowflakes --
you name it.
145
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:40,511
[man coughs]
146
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:43,059
Truth is if it
wasn't for me,
147
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,602
he could have never
pranced his way
148
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,396
to victory time
and time again.
149
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:47,518
Ohh!
150
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,099
[screams]
151
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,900
Oh, there it is! Touchdown!
152
00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:54,025
Where the white women at?!
153
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,027
[camera shutter clicks]
154
00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:58,108
But even though he
wouldn't even exist if
155
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,159
it wasn't for the man
behind the man --
156
00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:01,612
A.K.A. me --
157
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:04,494
Black Dynamite --
all anybody ever cared about was
158
00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:07,292
O.J. Simpson --
A.K.A. him --
159
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,917
Number 32, "The Juice."
160
00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:11,963
Wow!
161
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,085
You know O.J.?!
162
00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:14,086
Correction --
163
00:06:14,165 --> 00:06:15,963
O.J. Simpson knows
Black Dynamite.
164
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,465
Can you get O.J. Simpson to
bring us back some moon rocks
165
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:19,762
for Christmas?
166
00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:20,839
Moon rocks?
167
00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:22,014
Now, what kind of dumb-ass --
168
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,808
Please, please, please,
please, please, please!
169
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,181
All right, all right.
170
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:27,388
Since you little orphans are
getting all wet in the underoos
171
00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,313
over O.J. Simpson
going to the moon,
172
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:33,064
I will get O.J. to bring you orphans
back a moon rock for Christmas.
173
00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,986
[children cheering]
174
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:37,860
Now, who is the most likeable
motherfucker that ever lived?!
175
00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:40,408
ALL:
O.J.! O.J.! O.J.!
176
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:43,407
? Dynamite! Dynamite ?
177
00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:47,699
MAN:
Now, O.J., there's no need to worry,
178
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,625
but if you secure your
helmet incorrectly,
179
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:54,252
you may experience
a major malfunction.
180
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:55,253
Damn!
181
00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:56,254
O.J. Orenthal
182
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:57,255
motherfuckin' Simpson.
183
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:58,256
Black Dynamite!
184
00:06:58,335 --> 00:06:59,712
What's happening, man?!
185
00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:02,263
I always said you'd go to
the moon for the white man,
186
00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,967
but I never thought you'd go
to the moon for the white man.
187
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:07,144
Well, B.D., I've already
broken several NFL records,
188
00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:08,765
had a pretty decent
part in "Roots, "
189
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,018
and my name is damn near
synonymous with a very lucrative
190
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:12,565
and popular
rent-a-car industry.
191
00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:14,018
I've pretty much
conquered the Earth.
192
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,228
So I guess the moon was just
the next logical step for me.
193
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:17,528
But I'm surprised to
see you here, bro.
194
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:18,526
Me too.
195
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:19,982
But don't get
the wrong idea.
196
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,238
I ain't here to congratulate
you or no shit like that.
197
00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:24,365
I'm here because these
motherless and fatherless
198
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,572
orphans want a damn moon
rock for Christmas.
199
00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:29,158
Dumb shit I know, but
since you was going that way,
200
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:30,662
I think you might be
able to help me out.
201
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,039
[watermelon explodes]
202
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:35,167
[groans]
203
00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:36,372
Hey, I got an idea.
204
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,254
Why don't you come with me,
Black Dynamite?
205
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:39,926
What you talking about,
O.J. Simpson?
206
00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:41,674
You and me could be the first
black men on the moon --
207
00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:43,050
together!
208
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:45,507
Hmm. Now, Black Dynamite don't
normally go to the moon
209
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,388
Because of O.J. Simpson
asking him to,
210
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,595
but since this seems like a
coincidence or opportunity to
211
00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:53,057
accomplish the unrealistic goal of
getting moon rocks for Christmas,
212
00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:54,482
and I'm trying
to be more likeable,
213
00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:57,686
Black Dynamite says okay, O.J.
214
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:01,944
In a surprising last-minute
move, M.A.S.A. has announced
215
00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:03,650
that the very likeable and
universally appealing
216
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:06,907
O.J. Simpson will be joined by
the much more controversial and
217
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:10,332
far less likeable black
revolutionary vigilante pimp
218
00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:12,159
antihero Black Dynamite.
219
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:14,540
And, yes, folks,
that is his government.
220
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:17,793
If you time the staging
of our rocket improperly,
221
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:21,217
you may experience
a major malfunction.
222
00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,340
Aah! Uh!
223
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,593
[breathing heavily]
224
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,987
[whimpering]
225
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,781
[grunting]
226
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:48,199
Suey! Suey!
227
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:50,656
["Monday Night Football" theme plays]
228
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:53,208
If you miss your re-entry
trajectory,
229
00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:58,540
your capsule may experience
a major malfunction!
230
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:00,498
[gasps]
231
00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:09,090
This is gonna be one little,
Biddy, small step
232
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:10,391
for Black Dynamite,
233
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:13,346
and one giant leap for
the rest of you turkeys.
234
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:26,282
And it looks like mission
control is ready to begin
235
00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:28,200
counting down.
236
00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:31,530
And we are a go for launch.
237
00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,115
T-minus 10...
238
00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:36,042
9...8...7...
239
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,414
[sighs]
240
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:38,962
I don't know if you realize
this, Black Dynamite,
241
00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:41,290
but being O.J. Simpson
is a lot of pressure, man.
242
00:09:41,372 --> 00:09:43,045
White folks expect so
much from you.
243
00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:44,592
You keep trying to outdo
yourself,
244
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:46,260
and you keep
smiling 'cause, well,
245
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,883
that's what a hero
is supposed to do.
246
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,839
But to be honest, man,
I'm tired of being a puppet
247
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,266
for these white folks.
248
00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:54,595
The last few weeks working with
you made me realize something.
249
00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:56,679
I got to be true
to myself, man.
250
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:58,811
Thank you,
Black Dynamite.
251
00:09:58,890 --> 00:10:02,064
You know, O.J.,
I resented you for a long time,
252
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,191
but now I'm seeing
you different.
253
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:08,070
For the first time I'm actually
starting to like you, O.J.
254
00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:09,651
O.J.?
255
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,657
What the...
256
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:12,908
[marching band playing]
257
00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:14,159
Now who's going to the
moon for the white man?
258
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:15,741
Good luck finding
those rocks, sucker!
259
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:17,076
Ignition!
260
00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:19,286
O.J. Simpson,
you jive-ass motherfucker!
261
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:20,712
[screams]
262
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,004
? Dynamite! Dynamite ?
263
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:25,425
BULLHORN:
Now Black Dynamite is literally out of sight!
264
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,049
O.J. Simpson,
265
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:31,382
if you think Black Dynamite
can't put his foot in your ass
266
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,558
from the moon, you better
not think it again!
267
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:41,687
Now, what kind of spacely
sprocket bull snot is this here?
268
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:43,643
Calm down,
Black Astronaut Dynamite.
269
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:45,820
This is a simple science
mission from M.A.S.A.
270
00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:49,525
Everything will be just fine,
as long as there isn't a major malfunction.
271
00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:50,654
[alarm blaring]
272
00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:51,655
What the hell is this?
273
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,111
Hey, man,
your red light is on!
274
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,242
I said your red light is on,
man!
275
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,449
Don't worry,
Black Astronaut Dynamite.
276
00:10:57,532 --> 00:11:00,661
M.A.S.A.'s designed a special
program to translate technical
277
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:03,246
jargon to... you people...
278
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:05,172
of... your kind.
279
00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,592
Your rocket wiring is getting
hotter than a motherfucker and your
280
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,669
Heat shield ain't worth
two damns, neither.
281
00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:10,719
[laughs]
282
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:11,717
What the hell do you mean,
283
00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:13,093
stereotypical
black-jargon light?
284
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,265
And what are you saying?
285
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:15,683
Say, man, if I was you,
I'd get the hell up out
286
00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:17,681
this rocket, man.
287
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:18,852
Goonie-goo-goo!
288
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,225
Now, that's a fire!
289
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:21,978
[laughs]
290
00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:24,354
CREAM CORN: Is it normal
for a rocket ship to be on fire like that?
291
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,526
I mean,
I watch a lot of movies.
292
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:28,822
That usually means that
somebody about to die.
293
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,365
MISSION CONTROL:
Look, Black Astronaut Dynamite,
294
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,784
M.A.S.A. appreciates
your sacrifice.
295
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:33,985
Sincerely, he does.
296
00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:35,194
Man,
you better sincerely get
297
00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:37,576
Black Dynamite's ass out
of this damn rocket!
298
00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:41,535
Aw, your shit's about to
blow up in 7...6...5...
299
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,620
aw, damn, I counted wrong.
300
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,205
[laughs]
301
00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:49,550
ALL:
[gasp]
302
00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:50,843
Oh, Lord, I'm fainting.
303
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:51,761
Oh!
304
00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:54,009
Aah!
305
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,465
Black Astronaut Dynamite.
306
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,767
Come in,
Black Astronaut Dynamite!
307
00:11:57,842 --> 00:11:59,139
Ohh!
308
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,062
Don't you die on me!
309
00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:03,481
[alarm blares]
310
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,604
Well, that's all
M.A.S.A. can do.
311
00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:07,902
Who's up for some Roscoe's'?
312
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:10,230
? Dynamite! Dynamite ?
313
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:12,031
'Twas the night
before Christmas,
314
00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:15,280
And all through the place,
there were no bitches in bed
315
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,078
nor honkeys being chased
316
00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:20,953
because Black Dynamite's
ass was lost in space.
317
00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:22,830
[echoing]
Space, space...
318
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,126
[women weeping]
319
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:27,126
Today on this wonderful
snow-white Christmas eve,
320
00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:29,674
our nation mourns
another almost-was that
321
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:33,720
could have been,
but was never meant to be.
322
00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:37,015
Good night, sweet Dynamite.
323
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,390
Your blackness will
never be forgotten,.
324
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:41,344
Lord, no!
325
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,100
Jesus, Lord, why him?!
326
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:47,059
You could have took
anybody but him ...or me.
327
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:50,236
Does this mean we're
not getting moon rocks?
328
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,233
You!
329
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:52,689
Y'all did this!
330
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,992
You killed Black Dynamite with
your moon rocks and your dreams
331
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,365
and your hopes for
a better future!
332
00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,492
And now he's dead!
333
00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:02,244
Right before Christmas!
334
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,451
[screams]
335
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:05,877
I-I'm sorry.
336
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:06,999
I guess I went too far.
337
00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:08,295
It's a stressful
time of the year.
338
00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:09,463
I mean,
y'all burnt the turkey.
339
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,337
Uh, Black Dynamite's
burnt up.
340
00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,384
Let's deck the halls,
fuck it.
341
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,924
Man, I ain't never
done no crying.
342
00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:20,384
I ain't lying.
343
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:21,843
Are you okay, Bullhorn?
344
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,304
I guess the shock and
disbelief will stick with me
345
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:27,687
for a while because getting
killed in the line of duty
346
00:13:27,765 --> 00:13:29,767
just wasn't
Black Dynamite's style.
347
00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:31,148
I know.
348
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:34,652
But for the sake of those whores
and those orphans in that there
349
00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:37,905
whorephanage and for Black
Dynamite up in heaven,
350
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,237
We're gonna have to pull
together to honor his big,
351
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:45,417
black memory and make this
the best Christmas ever.
352
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:46,993
Now, how the hell are we
supposed to do that?
353
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:48,794
[horn blares]
354
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:52,540
[car door opens]
355
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,000
It's O.J. Simpson!
356
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:55,255
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
357
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,302
Who's O.J.?
358
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,379
My name is Santa Simpson!
359
00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:01,467
It's like big Black Dynamite
is looking down and
360
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:04,769
giving us a big,
black blessing from above.
361
00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:17,569
[static]
362
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,901
Say, man, there goes an
abandoned Soviet space station.
363
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:20,985
[laughs]
364
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,787
If I was you,
I'd get on the motherfucker.
365
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,409
[laughs]
366
00:15:06,781 --> 00:15:07,703
[screeches]
367
00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:09,204
Look, monkey!
368
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:11,331
Black Dynamite ain't never
fucked up no space chimp at
369
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,584
zero G's before, but I'm
trying to be more likeable,
370
00:15:13,663 --> 00:15:15,085
so I'm offering a truce.
371
00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:18,714
Now, are there a barrel of you
motherfuckers or are you the only one?
372
00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:23,390
[chattering]
373
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:24,807
Just like I thought.
374
00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:26,976
You a monkey all alone up in
space with no monkey pussy
375
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:28,177
or nothing.
376
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:30,263
And now you done lost
your monkey mind, huh?
377
00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:31,723
[chatters]
378
00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:33,729
Somehow I feel like
I know the feeling,
379
00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:35,105
but I don't.
380
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,527
How'd you get up here, anyway?
381
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,196
[chattering]
382
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:42,526
[Russian anthem playing]
383
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:52,539
[alarm blaring ]
384
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,962
[chattering continues]
385
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,714
So your brother monkey
and your monkey
386
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,545
government abandoned
you to die
387
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,051
and spend the holidays
all alone, too, huh?
388
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:06,178
[chatters]
389
00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:07,884
Well, I need to contact
those space honkeys
390
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,389
at M.A.S.A. so
they can get your
391
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,813
monkey ass and my
man ass up out of here.
392
00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:15,483
[static]
393
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:22,649
O.J. Simpson, hero of the doomed
moon mission,
394
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:25,702
who somehow miraculously
survived the explosion,
395
00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:28,575
visits the whorephanage
of deceased space martyr
396
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:31,248
Black Dynamite to
give comfort to his friends,
397
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,917
orphans, and whores.
398
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,415
I just want these orphans
to have a real Christmas,
399
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,463
even if I have to step into
Black Dynamite's shoes and
400
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:39,506
do what he is tragically
unable to do now,
401
00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:42,210
nor at anytime
in the future.
402
00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:45,422
Is it any wonder why O.J.
Simpson is the most likeable
403
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:48,384
and therefore the most
respected black man in American
404
00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:49,592
history now?
405
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,643
And I'm willing to
predict forever.
406
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:54,723
Walter Cronkite, mark my words,
there will come a day when
407
00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:57,058
America no longer
likes O.J. Simpson.
408
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,859
You can mark my words.
409
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:01,029
[chatters]
410
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:01,945
What's that, boy?
411
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:02,988
You know how to
get to the moon?
412
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:04,065
[chatters]
413
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:05,741
And it has the
rocks I need on it?
414
00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,033
Well, that's amazing, monkey,
'cause you didn't even know I
415
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,452
needed any rocks.
416
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,906
Well, where is this moon, and
show me where I can find it.
417
00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:13,207
[chatters]
418
00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:19,713
Come on, monkey!
419
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:22,463
It's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas!
420
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,014
All I know, monkey,
is if they all
421
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:38,225
out of moon rocks,
I'm gonna be pissed.
422
00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:39,479
Can you dig it?
423
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:52,580
Amazon bitches on the moon.
424
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:53,497
Ain't that some shit.
425
00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,792
Silence, black muscle man!
426
00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:57,960
Look, I'm only here to collect
moon rocks for Christmas,
427
00:17:58,035 --> 00:17:59,082
then I'll be on my way.
428
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:00,879
Likely story!
429
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:03,925
Just like a man to come to the
moon in order to infiltrate our
430
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,130
base, find our secret weapon and
interrupt my evil master plan
431
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:11,716
to destroy the Earth
at the last minute!
432
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,767
I would ask how you
amazon bitches got here,
433
00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:15,220
but I ain't got the time.
434
00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:17,556
I got to get back to Earth with
these moon rocks for Christmas
435
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:18,935
before there
ain't no Christmas.
436
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:22,360
Oh, go ahead and go back to
Earth, Black Dynamite.
437
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:26,485
You'll get there just in time
...to see it destroyed!
438
00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:29,443
[laughs evilly]
439
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:31,653
Now, that's some real
bitch shit literally.
440
00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:34,535
Try and stop us,
Black Dynamite.
441
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,037
Now, beating up on amazon moon
bitches ain't Black Dynamite's
442
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:40,086
style and would make me very
unlikeable as a character,
443
00:18:40,161 --> 00:18:43,290
but my Soviet monkey friend
here ain't as evolved as me.
444
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:45,295
[screeches]
445
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,426
[screeches]
446
00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:58,979
Oh, you done fucked with
the wrong bitch, monkey!
447
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,443
Now how am I supposed to get
back to Earth in time
448
00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:08,943
for Christmas?
449
00:19:09,023 --> 00:19:12,527
All these moon rocks and not a
goddamn orphan to give them to!
450
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,112
Monkey, I was wrong.
451
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:17,870
This ain't looking
nothing like Christmas.
452
00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:21,373
Fuck you,
O..J. Simpso-o-o-n!
453
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:32,222
[bells jingling]
454
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:34,469
Hos, hos, and more hos!
455
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,141
Merry Christmas, sucker!
456
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:37,309
Black Santa Claus?
457
00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:38,637
What the fuck are
you doing on the moon?
458
00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,973
Amazon moon bitches got
children, too, Black Dynamite.
459
00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:46,648
Shit.
460
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:49,230
Santa, you got room on that
sleigh for Black Dynamite,
461
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:50,815
A Soviet Russian
monkey friend,
462
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:53,276
and a flock of amazon
moon-bitch orphans?
463
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,453
? Dynamite! Dynamite ?
464
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:57,996
? We'll be... ?
465
00:19:58,072 --> 00:19:59,244
[slurps]
466
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:00,666
We really do appreciate
all you've done for us,
467
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:02,459
O.J. Simpson, especially in
the light of our recent and
468
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:03,661
ongoing tragedy.
469
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:04,586
You are one
righteous dude.
470
00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:05,834
[slurps]
471
00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,586
That's what they say --
nobody's more righteous
472
00:20:07,665 --> 00:20:08,837
than The Juice.
473
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:09,963
Good old O.J. --
474
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,261
Orenthal motherfuckin' Simpson.
475
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:13,758
O.J., you all right?
476
00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:16,762
You know, Black Dynamite did
always say that I would go to
477
00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:19,435
the moon for the white man,
and he was right.
478
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:20,477
I would have.
479
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:21,896
But that was the old O.J.
480
00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:24,895
The new O.J. says fuck the
white man, the moon,
481
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:26,521
and his mama!
482
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,946
O.J., you better be
careful with that knife,
483
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:33,774
or one day you might write a
book about how you allegedly
484
00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:35,576
took some white bitch's life.
485
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:38,655
Shut the fuck up!
486
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,331
O.J., you scaring us.
487
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:41,703
Oh, what's wrong,
little orphan Arnold?
488
00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:42,829
You not a white woman.
489
00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:44,080
You ain't got nothing
to worry about.
490
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,127
[laughs]
491
00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:46,545
[bells jingling]
492
00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:48,497
[rumbling]
493
00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:49,423
Whoo-hoo!
494
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:50,590
Black Dynamite!
495
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:52,885
Man, please tell me
this ain't no jive!
496
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,839
Black Dynamite made it
back from the moon alive!
497
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,344
O.J.:
Uh, merry Christmas, Black Dynamite.
498
00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:00,677
[groans]
499
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:01,727
Huh?
500
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:03,475
[rumbling]
501
00:21:03,554 --> 00:21:05,977
Ohh!
502
00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:07,308
[groans]
503
00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:08,392
Ha ha!
504
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:10,103
I threw that rock
before I left the moon!
505
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:13,565
? Dynamite! Dynamite ?
506
00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:15,570
You know, Black Dynamite,
while you were gone,
507
00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:17,868
we had a lot of time
to think about things.
508
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:20,787
We learned to just be happy with
who we are and what we got.
509
00:21:20,863 --> 00:21:22,115
Like you always told us --
510
00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:24,166
A ho mama is
better than no mama.
511
00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:26,710
And a less likeable Black
Dynamite is better than no
512
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:29,255
Black Dynamite at all.
513
00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:31,253
Less likeable my ass!
514
00:21:31,332 --> 00:21:32,754
I just went to the
moon for y'all kids!
515
00:21:32,833 --> 00:21:34,005
The moon!
516
00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:35,961
I'm flushing these moon rocks
down the toilet,
517
00:21:36,045 --> 00:21:37,888
you bunch of ungrateful,
non-appreciative,
518
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:38,885
no-good mother --
519
00:21:38,964 --> 00:21:40,932
? Dynamite! Dynamite ?
520
00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:42,681
[toilet flushes]
521
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:46,810
Black Dynamite may not
be jolly like old Saint Nick,
522
00:21:46,889 --> 00:21:49,608
but he's the one you call
when you need somebody's
523
00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:51,560
ass kicked in the dick.
524
00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:53,988
Well, Santa helper hos,
let's get our asses in flight.
525
00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:55,280
[whip cracks]
526
00:21:55,356 --> 00:21:58,235
A merry Christmas to all,
and to all a Black...
527
00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:00,661
? Dynamite! Dynamite ?
528
00:22:02,404 --> 00:22:04,702
? Dynamite! Dynamite ?
529
00:22:04,752 --> 00:22:09,302
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