Original subtitles

Previously on "Black Dynamite"...

Black Dynamite, I'm Donald, your accountant,

and as your accountant, I have an extremely urgent accounting

matter I must discuss with --

I don't care if you're Merv Griffin,

creator and host of "The Merv Griffin Show."

You need to make an appointment, like everybody else, Jack.

Damn it!

�Van!

[grunts]

Ohh! Suey!

[whack, whack] [whack]

DONALD: Black Dynamite?

Huh?

[shrieks]

You can't ignore this any longer.

I tried to make an appointment like you said, but --

My Secretary bitch is outwith the shits.

Now, don't be interrupting my kung fu!

Suey!

[groans]

[gunshots]

Man, can't this wait?

No, it can't, Black Dynamite.

They are shooting.

Fine. Get in.

[tires squeal]

[engine revs]

DONALD: What I've been trying to tell you is,

you haven't filed income taxes for eight years.

You owe the I.R.S. $60,000, and now they're going to fucking

kill you!

Is that what this shit's all about?

[gunshots] [glass breaks]

These motherfuckers can't be bargained with!

They can't be reasoned with.

They don't feel pity or remorse or fear.

And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead

or broke or in jail -- or both!

Incoming!!

[tires screech]

Donald, my accountant!

Black Dynamite, I'm not gonna make it.

[coughs]

Please, promise me...

Anything, man! Anything in the world.

...you'll make sure this form is postmarked by midnight on the

15th, or you...may... be subject to ...penalties.

Ahh. I'm dead.

I'm sorry, Donald the accountant.

I should have listened to you sooner.

Looks like you're gonna need a new accountant,

Black Dynamite.

I've got until the 15th,

you money-hungry bureaucratic sons of bitches!

Scram, I say! Scram!

? He's Dynamite ?

? So Dynamite ?

? Ooohhh, ooohhh ?

? Ooohhh ?

? Ahhhh ?

? He's Dynamite ?

? Dy-no, dy-no ?

? Ooohhh, ooohhh ?

? Oooohhhh ?

? Dynamite! Dynamite! ?

This week...

[sirens wailing in distance]

ALL: Surprise!

BULLHORN: Right before your eyes.

Black Dynamite, we all heard about your tax

troubles with the I.R.S., so all the whores and the orphans in

this here whorephanage

got together to raise you some scratch.

These girls have already sucked every dick

in a 10-mile radius.

And me and Cream Corn planned this badass party last night

to raise funds and awareness for broke Black Dynamite!

We sold a few thousand of these --

2 for $5.

Even these little nappy-headed orphans pitched in.

[orphans chanting "Save Black Dynamite!"]

All right, shut the fuck up when grown

folks is strugglin'.

I'd take this money if I didn't need it,

but now that I do need it,

there ain't no way I'm gonna take it.

[rip]

Now get back out there on that block and get that money I don't need.

Now I'm just thinkin' out loud, so this may sound berserk,

but maybe B.D. can make some ends meet

by puttin' in some mercenary work.

HONEY BEE: Now, that's a greatidea, Bullhorn.

CREAM CORN: That is a good idea.

I think it's a terrible idea.

CREAM CORN: Yeah, it is kind of terrible.

The problem with taking somebody's money to

do a job is that they always expect something in return.

Well, I guess we'll just have to come up with another plan, then.

Not necessarily, because sometimes,

a terrible idea is the best idea you got.

And if there's one thing I've learned,

you always go with the best idea you got.

[airplane tires screech]

Thank you for coming, Black Dynamite.

I'm a motion-picture producer.

That means that I produce motion pictures.

What do you know about Richard Pryor?

You mean the comedy man?

Yes, the comedian.

You say "tomato,"

Black Dynamite says "toe-mah-toe."

We've already had massive success filming Richard Pryor

Live in concert, and we got Richard Pryor

here and now without a hiccup.

But for some reason, no one has been able to get Richard Pryor

live on the Sunset Strip, and that's where you come in,

Black Dynamite. Take this.

What is this?

His inspiration.

RICHARD PRYOR: Oh shit! Why y'all didn't tell me the plane landed?

I was on the toilet taking a shit.

You know when you're sitting on a plane, taking a shit and

your ass get sucked down the toilet?

I didn't think my ass was ever gonna come back, Jack.

I said, "Take the shit but leave me, motherfucker.

Ha ha! Brilliant, Richie baby!

But save it for the show.

What's happenin', Jack?

My main man.

Baddest motherfucker I ever met.

Cocaine.

What's the matter, Black Dynamite?

You've never seen a black entertainer get high?

No.

It's just that nobody's ever left me hangin' before.

RICHARD PRYOR: Oh shit! Is that all the cocaine we got?

It's gonna be a long night, Jack.

I snort through motherfucker.

This little briefcase ain't doin' shit.

I fuck potential mothers, soon-to-be mothers,

already mothers.

I'm a motherfucker. I never got no pussy when I was your age.

But livin' up in here?

Y'all should be gettin' all of it.

Hoe come in the house, I'm 7 years old.

I'm punchin' the shit out the pussy

'cause my dick was too small.

[laughter]

Uppercuttin' the pussy. I'm knockin' pussy out daily.

Say, baby, you remind me of my mama.

Aw. Because I'm kind and nurturing?

No, bitch!

'Cause you got big titties and you sells good pussy!

[laughter]

Man, Richard Pryor, you are on fire!

And you got enough meat on your nose

to make a ham sandwich, boy!

Rhyming all the damn time.

I can't tell if it's a trick, a tick, a talent, or tourrette's.

You're the funniest man alive ordead.

Well, thank you, Miss.

[laughter]

Whores and orphans under one roof.

Whose idea was this, anyway?

Mine.

Man, did you actually think about this shit before you

put the children and the pussy within fuckin' distance of each other?

Hey, little kids.

I'm Black Dynamite.

I know you all ain't got no parents,

so how 'bout I replace them with a lifetime supply of pussy.

That is not what I silently said to myself inside my head!

[grunts]

BULLHORN: You may not find him funny,

but you about to fuck up all your money.

Look here, Mr. Comedy Man.

Now, I don't get you or your comedy jokes

or comedy in general,

but what I am gonna get is you to the Sunset Strip

so I can pay my damn taxes.

Can you dig it? [doorbell rings]

As a matter of fact, here goes a package from the I.R.S.

right now.

I.R.S.?! No!

? Dynamite! Dynamite! ?

Looks like I need to get the fuck up out of here.

Let's go get something to eat before Black Dynamite kills us

with his back taxes.

It's funny 'cause it's true.

Man, I tell you -- the I.R.S. ain't no joke, Jack.

Them motherfuckers will run right up in your ass to get they money.

You ever notice when you look at your check, it says "F.E.C.A.,

F.l.C.A. fucks you out your money."

And my accountant gonna tell me,

"Good news, Richard. You're in the black."

And I'm like, "Sucka, you say I got $2 million.

Motherfucker I want to see it -- in cash!

Drive it to me in the Brinks truck right now! "

You mean to tell me Hollywood really pays

you all that money for standing around and talkin' shit.

That's right.

But havin' people laugh at you all the time

ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Sometimes, I just want my dick hugged.

[laughs]

Can I get you something to drink, Mr. Pryor?

Not unless you got some milk in them titties.

Big as them titties is,

shouldn't be a starving kid nowhere in Africa.

Nah, baby.

I stopped drinking two minutes ago.

[ laughs]

[slurring ] That is some bullshit!

Don't nobody believe you, Richard Pryor.

I know you don't believe me, motherfucker 'cause you fucked up.

Motherfucker say...

"I'm drunk, and I'm the ugliest motherfucker up in here.

I'm so ugly, the tears roll down the back of my neck.

When I cry, they don't want to be on my face."

Okay, that's enough drinkin' and jivin',

you drunk jive turkeys!

Oh, what you gonna do to me?

Black Dynamite, I'm gonna kick your dick, nuts, and ass to

the motherfuckin' bone.

Do you hear me?

? Dynamite! Dynamite! ?

Man, did you see that?

Them suckas got messed up, Jack,

Fucking around with me and my boy. Shit.

Man, you got to show me how to do some of that stuff,

Black Dynamite!

We could be like Blackman and Robin.

Richard Pryor, give me that gun before you hurt somebody.

[gunshots]

[tire hisses]

RICHARD PRYOR: Motherfucker.

[camera shutter clicks]

We bad. We bad.

That's right motherfucker -- we bad.

This ain't Gene Wilder motherfucker,

this is Black Dynamite, and we will whup your ass, Jack.

[laughter]

Do you know what we're in for?

Puttin' a foot in a motherfucker's ass and makin' it come out his mouth!

You ever seen that before?

[laughter continues]

You think Richard Pryor's foot in your ass is a joke, boy?!

[laughter continues]

You think I'm funny?!

Well, I'm not!

[laughter continues]

I'm tired of pouring my heart out to motherfuckers and all you do

is laugh.

Stop laughing at me.

I'm serious.

[laughter continues, distorts]

[grunts]

[ Metal clangs]

Shut the fuck up when groan men's is cryin'.

[cricket chirping ]

[cricket laughing ]

[laughing stops]

Richard Rryor?

This better not be one of your comedy jokes,

because Black Dynamite don't ever hold no grown man

in his arms like a baby when he's cryin' and weepin' --

especially a comedy man .

Man fuck the comedy man and his mama!

I don't want to make these motherfuckers laugh.

I got some real shit to say, man.

I know how to out through the bullshit

but don't nobody care when I say it.

It's always the same.

Did you hear what he said?

He said, "it's always the same."

He said, "it's always the same"!

[laughing]

See what I mean'?

When you talk, people listen.

They take your ass serious.

You ain't really got shit to say,

but they listen, and that's what I want.

I want somebody to listen so I can teach them somethin'.

[cell door opens]

OFFICER: Pryor, Richard!

Dynamite, Black!

You made bail!

We bad. We bad.

That's right, motherfucker, we bad.

[laughter] I just peed on myself!

BLACK DYNAMITE: What's this?

'Bout 200 kilos' worth of money.

I thought all that Brinks truck talk was

just one of your little funnies, Richard Pryor.

Man, I told your ass -- I don't joke.

How 'bout I pay your tax bill,

you look the other way, and we both get to walk away with a

cool little story to tell?

I can't do that, Richard Pryor.

Black Dynamite don't ever break his words.

Black Dynamite's words and Black Dynamite's balls is all

Black Dynamite has in this life.

That, plus my bitches, my car, an exquisite wardrobe,

and a bunch of more, other shit, but my point is,

Black Dynamite said he would get Richard Pryor

live on the Sunset Strip,

and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

A'ight, man. I can dig it.

Keep your word andyour balls.

Oh Shit, is that the I.R.S.?!

I thought I told you Internal Revenue motherfuckers

that Black Dynamite was gonna get your money!

I'm workin' on it!

[engine turns over]

[tires squeal]

What about my taxes, Richard Pryor?!

- You better get you some scratch-offs, sucka!

[horn blows]

? Dynamite! Dynamite! ?

[sirens wail in distance]

Man, crazy Rich done busted loose with all of that money,

and he can be anywhere by now.

And that shit ain't funny.

Tomorrow's the 15th, and the I.R.S.has threatened

to put a lien on this whorephanage.

What we gon' do?!

Look here, Honey Bee.

Ain't nobody leanin' on Black Dynamite's whores

or his orphans. Can you dig it?

CREAM CORN: Which reminds me, I promised to drop my mama's 1099s

off at the post office.

Hey, Black Dynamite,

they didn't repossess your ride yet, did they?

I'll just walk.

Maybe I can get the girls to stop suckin' and fuckin'

for an hour, and they can find Richard Pryor.

Nah, let them keep suckin' and fuckin' Honey Bee.

I've been to every hot spot, cathouse, nightclub, drug spot,

and gambling den in town.

And...?

[sighs]

He's been in every last one of them.

Wait, Black Dynamite!

There's someone I know that can help us find Richard Pryor

and get him to the show.

[doorbell rings]

Richard's not here. What do you want'?

How did you know --

I know you've got a Richard Pryor problem,

'cause no one shows up to Paul Mooney's pad

unannounced unless they've got a Richard Pryor problem.

I've been livin' in that brother's light-skinned shadow

all of my life.

Can you help us find him?

Is a pig's pussy pork?

Where did you last see him?

In a Brinks truck filled with 2 million big ones.

That's what I was afraid of.

You were trying to get him to the Sunset Strip, weren't you?

[ Switch clicks ]

[tribal music plays]

You see, Richard thinks that if he goes to the Sunset Strip,

then all he'll ever be is one of the greatest comedians that ever lived.

Richard wants more than that.

He wants to be like Malcolm X.

[laughter]

See? That's the problem.

Well, besides being a comedy man that

nobody will ever take serious, what's stopping him?

You mean, besides the cocaine, the quaaludes, valium,

white women, mother issues, father issues, racism, vodka,

pork pussy and fame?

That don't cover it?

Richard's got that shit and that shinola.

You can't have shinola without the shit.

Because the truth lives in the shit.

The shit is where you find wisdom.

The shit is what reminds you that your shit stinks.

It keeps your feet on the ground.

Paul Mooney, you might sound deep,

but you look jungle fuckin' loony.

[tribal music plays]

[music stops]

Man, what the hell are we doing out here with Paul Mooney, anyway?

[sniffs]

Wait, wait!

I smell something cooking.

[sniffs]

Cocaine...

[sniffs]

...and a man's flesh.

It's him!

Aaah!

There goes Richard Pryor!

He's naked and literally on fire!

I panting 1 Huh?

He went that way!

It's time to break out the heavy weapons.

What's that?

All of Richard's greatest hits --

cocaine, vodka tonic, and white-woman saliva.

He's responded well to these in the past

when all else has failed.

Oh shit

Aaaaaaah!

[thud] Damn!

Why...are...you...doing... this ...to ...me?!

False alarm.

He's not Richard Pryor.

You think Richard Pryor's the only basehead

to ever catch on fire, man?

Then why did you run, basehead?

I was on fire, man!

I was about to put myself out, and then you motherfuckers

started chasin' me.

The hell was I supposed to do?

[bird trills]

Oh shit, that's my accountant.

Did you guys know that taxes were due by midnight tonight?

I got to fly.

[coos]

? Dynamite! Dynamite! ?

BLACK DYNAMITE: Donald, you were more than just an accountant.

You were my accountant.

But now, you're just a dead accountant lying in this grave.

If I could do it all over again,

I would've made time to talk to you.

I would've filed quarterly and kept my business and personal receipts separate.

I cannot bring you back to life,

but I can come back and engrave "avenged" on your tombstone.

I.R.S. AGENT: 30 minutes to showtime, Black Dynamite.

You got your tickets.

[singsong] I've got mine.

If you don't have our money, you'll be sleeping

with the fishes, right here, beside Donald --

in the dirt.

Black Dynamite ain't never slept with a fish or

laid in a grave in his whole life,

and he damn sure ain't gonna start now!

[gun cocks]

Go on. Shoot, Black Dynamite.

Kill me, and two more agents will pop up in my place.

And if you kill those two agents,

four more will take over for them.

Kill those four, and you'll find yourself dealing with eight.

Waste those eight, now you've got 16 I .R .S.

agents following you wherever you go.

Go ahead and kill those 16...

Cream Corn?

Honey bee? Bullhorn?

The I.R.S. honky is right.

Ain't but two things certain in this world --

we're gonna be taxed by the I.R.S. and we're gonna be

killed by the I.R.S.

We might as well go back to the whorephanage,

board up the windows, give everybody assault rifles,

and wait for the final shootout.

...4 and 64 equals 128, and do you know what

128 times 2 is?

256!

All...up...in...your...ass, Black Dynamite!

[brakes squeal]

[laughing]

Wait.

I hear something.

RICHARD PRYOR: That was some serious shit

It sounds like...

shit being talked.

RICHARD PRYOR: [ laughter] It was a hershey bar.

Fuckin' around and ate the motherfucker

smelled like I had a shit sandwich for breakfast.

Hey, baby, can I get a swig?

You think you got problems?

I had a Brinks truck with

$2 million 48 hours ago, and I bet you were sitting

in the same shit you're sitting in now.

[laughter]

Man, you right, Richard, man.

I am sittin' in shit but you make us feel like we

ain't sittin' in shit no matter how much shit we're

sittin' in.

That shit is crazy.

Look at him.

All he's got is his dirty drawers,

his half-skunked jug of wine, and you, Richard Pryor.

Well, motherfucker that reminds me --

a funny thing happened while I was gone.

I gambled away $2 million --

Plus 4 more in I.O.U.S -- to some kung fu gangsters

from Chinatown.

And they want to kick my ass.

[car door slams]

[Chinese accent] Richard Pryor!

You in big trouble with little Chinatown gang.

Aaaaaah!

Oh shit!

Richard Pryor, I'm gonna get you live on The Sunset Strip,

and then I'm gonna kill you dead.

Motherfucker. Run, boy!

[funk music plays]

Oh, my god! It's Richard Pryor!

What?!

[all screaming]

Richard, cut it out!

RICHARD PRYOR: One thing I know how to do is run!

[all shouting]

Suey!

[grunts]

[grunts]

Aaaaaaaah!

Suey! Suey! Daaaah!

Suey!

RICHARD PRYOR: Hey, little fat troll!

Oh! There you are!

I heard you wanted Richard Pryor live on the Sunset Strip.

Well, here I is.

You think this is funny?

RICHARD PRYOR: Actually, I do, motherfucker.

I took care of that gambling debt for you,

Richard Pryor.

Those Kung Fu gangsters from Chinatown won't be bothering

you no more.

I'm not paying you to deal with kung fu gangsters

from Chinatown.

If you ever want to work in Hollywood again,

Black Dynamite, I advise you to do your job!

You're my mercenary -- all mine!

Now, you wait a minute, Mr. Movie Producer.

I got Richard here, just like I said I would.

Whether he gets up onstage is up to him and his cocaine.

So I suggest you give him a break,

'cause he's been dealin' with a lot of heavy on his mind.

Can you dig?

Look, Richard!

We got your inspiration!

Come and get it!

My main man!

BLACK DYNAMITE: No!

Cocaine is not your main man, Richard Pryor!

Fine! So be it.

You think you're the first incredibly talented person of

color to take show business by storm, only to be driven insane

by the pressures of a system that's designed to suck them dry

and leave them dead in a heap of cocaine?!

Well, you won't be the last!

He's right!

Man, it's hopeless, man.

I'm-a jump!

Don't jump man!

[electricity buzzes]

Oh shit. Fuck what I just said, Richard Pryor!

Jump! Jump!!

What?

Oh shit, why didn't somebody tell me I was on fire?!

Suey!

? Dynamite! Dynamite! ?

Very dramatic. Very touching.

If you don't get on that stage now,

I swear to god I will personally see to it that you

and everything you ever worked for comes crashing down!

[all gasp]

Aaaaaaah!

Burn, Hollywood! Burn!

Ha ha! Get it?

Burn! Ha ha!

Hy-sterical.

Smashed honky is not hy-sterical.

But it is funny.

[both laugh]

Look, Richard Pryor, at first,

I didn't get you or your comedy jokes.

Even though the whole world is laughin' at you,

just know that Black Dynamite takes you seriously.

Here.

You earned this, Black Dynamite.

That's why it's called mercenary work.

I.R.S. AGENT: Thank you, Black Dynamite.

That takes care of your federal,

but the city and state will be by this afternoon to get theirs,

and they're not as nice as us! [laughs]

Now, that's hy-sterical.

- Motherfucker. - Thanks, y'all.

Maybe I should be grateful for my blessin's.

Maybe big muscles aren't everything.

Well, now you're just talkin' crazy, Richard Pryor.

[cheers and applause]

I have a feeling that little comedy man's gonna inspire a

whole generation of nobodies to be somebodies.

And when that happens...

My main man! Cocaine!

[theme music plays]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0