Original subtitles

♪ I don't know how it happened

♪ I don't know who's to blamed

- [Sadie] That first night we watched Trainspotting.

- She said she hadn't seen it and I was like,

"How could you not have seen that film?

It's the story of your people!"

And she was like, "That's Scotland, you dumb fuck."

And you know that scene where the baby's crawling

on the ceiling and it slowly turns its head around,

it was during that scene that I knew I had feelings for her.

- And now every time we have sex she cant climax

unless that scene's playing.

- No, that's not true.

That's Sadie being an asshole and shitting on a nice memory.

- And when did the professional partnership start?

- Well I pitched the idea for mine that first night.

- But then we didn't get together

for another three years, but the idea stuck with me.

So, once Shazam came out I knew it'd be easier

to pitch you know Shazam for clothes, so.

- Yeah.

It's insane that we're launching in a few months

when we've been talking about this for like thirteen years.

- [Hye Me] Sorry to interrupt.

- Will you forward Jacob's email

and tell them I'll return by end of day?

- Sure.

- Thanks Hye Me.

God she's so fucking cool.

I love her hair do.

- Can I ask do you have any plans to start a family?

- Here we go. - Of course.

I feel if we were men you wouldn't be asking that question.

Think you can get away with murder

'cause you're so fucking pretty?

We do want kids.

We are waiting to launch this baby first.

- [James] And who's gonna carry it?

- Oh definitely Leila.

I couldn't do it.

It'd be like Arnold Schwarzenegger in that film Junior.

And if we are gonna use my eggs for our first then,

my age is gonna be an issue.

- Yeah, but if I'm going through the bullshit of childbirth

that kid's gonna have my old nose.

I'm just kidding.

- What's it like being women

in such a male dominated business?

- Do we have to answer that question?

I genuinely think it's a really stupid question.

We've talked about kids and marriage.

- We talked about it, you know, abstractly.

We also talked about euthanasia.

- You're the person I want to be with.

- How can you be sure?

- Marry me.

- I'm not gonna marry you in the fucking toilet.

- I'm being serious.

Will you marry me?

- I'll ask Leila, put your hand on top

of Sadie's hand on the mouse.

That's so fantastic.

That's great.

Yeah, normal day at work.

Put your fist on your chin like you're both that statue,

The Thinker.

Ah yes, that's perfect.

Okay Sadie, cradle Leila in your arms like she's your child.

- Oh Yeah.

Yeah, you look so good.

- That's fantastic.

Erm, kiss.

Eyes to camera.

Big smiles.

Smile up.

Yes, that's it

- Don't go.

- It'll only be a few months.

- Is this you having a nervous breakdown?

You're not gonna start writing on the wall in faeces,

are you?

- I read somewhere that this is a really good thing

to do when you're upset.

It gets your heart rate up.

Is it working?

- No.

You will tell me if you sleep with somebody else.

- Do you really wanna know?

- Right.

- I'm really sorry I'm fucking everything up.

- If you're gonna go, just go.

- She's totally on board.

She thinks it's a really good idea.

Like she hasn't said that verbally but I can tell.

And we're in a really good place,

and I dunno you can still love and support each other

and be on a break, you know?

- Only a lesbian would say that.

- Yeah, because only a lesbian would capable of it.

- Sorry, what I meant was, only a lesbian

would be so full of her own shit that she would say that

and believe it to be true.

- Do you think I'm doing the wrong thing?

With Sadie?

I love these talks we have.

- How the fuck am I supposed to know

if I'm doing the right thing or not?

You haven't told me anything.

- There's nothing to say.

She wants to get married.

We're in different places.

- How long is the break?

- I don't know.

A few months?

- What are you gonna do for sex?

- Meh.

I don't know.

Sex is complicated.

- How?

- Like you strategize how you're gonna get it

and then you anticipate it and once it's finally happening

don't you wish you could just fast forward

'cause all the pressure is on you to come

and you'd rather just give head

than worry about your own orgasm.

- No, not at all.

- Good for you.

What is this on your neck?

- Nothing.

- Is that a hickie!

Who did that to you?

- Some girl I met.

- What happened?

- That's it.

The movie rights are available.

Googled that guy you're living with.

- Yeah, what do you think?

- You should move in with me.

- No, I'm not living with you and your parents in Chingford.

- It's better than living with some dickhead

on Gumtree that peaked in 2005.

- He's a successful novelist!

- Published one book over a decade ago.

- No!

You cannot text and drive!

- I'm hardly fucking moving.

- I hate it when you do this!

You know, if he weren't white and straight

you would be impressed.

- If he wasn't white and straight he wouldn't have

written a book called Testicular.

- Leila.

- [Leila] Hi.

- Welcome.

- This is my friend, Deniz.

Deniz, this is Gabe.

- Dennis?

- Deniz.

- Dennis.

- Deniz.

- Denis.

- Forget it man.

- I'm sorry, have we met?

I feel like I know you from somewhere.

- [Deniz] That's everything.

I have to go to work.

- I adore you.

Thank you.

- Pull yourself together.

- Hey, nice car.

See ya later, Dennis!

- I don't think I've ever made such a bad impression

in such a condensed period of time.

- No, that's just her face.

- Oh.

Zadie Smith.

You a fan?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, there's a lot of things I like about her work.

I mean, do I think it's deserving

of an endless stream of flowery praise?

Not really.

But you know she not untalented.

Coffee?

- Yes, thanks!

- Gabe!

I found another tub of that protein powder stuff.

Hasn't been opened, do you want to take it back to the shop?

Hi.

I'm Laura, Gabe's sister.

Oh, it's expired.

I'm gonna chuck it.

- Hi, I'm Leila.

- Nice to meet you.

Okay, so I am done.

Remember to heat the chicken before you eat it.

- Yeah.

I'm not a bloody animal.

- I'm sorry about the smell in the room,

Gabe's last flat mate used to piss in bottles

and leave them around.

- We don't know that for a fact.

- Okay, love.

Bye, Leila.

Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- I've never lived with a woman before, except my sister.

Don't worry I'm not gonna try it on.

- Thank you for that.

- You don't shit where you eat.

- Also I'm gay, so.

- Yes, of course.

You're gay.

- Thanks.

Oh where do you keep the sugar?

- Spice cupboard.

- [Leila] Ah.

- So, how do you know that girl?

Is she your lover?

- No, we're just friends.

We went to uni together.

- Cool.

- I should go unpack my stuff.

- [Gabe] Cool.

Well, you let me know if you need anything.

- Will do.

- [Woman] What do you feel about a clean shaven vagina?

- [Man] Completely shaved or trimmed really short,

that's like my preference.

I've had a bad time with a lot of hair once so.

- [Woman] What happened?

- Yeah, it was just sort of really awkward.

I just sort of like was kissing her and I put my hand down,

I just felt like someone's head was down there.

- [Sadie Voiceover] Hi.

This is Sadie.

Leave a message.

- Hey.

It's me.

Just wanted to say the place is great

and I hope you're good.

Alright, bye Sadie.

Call me back.

[heavy breathing]

- [Ira] From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life,

I'm Ira Glass.

Brides in white, little three year old nieces

sent waddling down aisles throwing rose petals,

how many of these happy couples are actually, mismatched?

- [Alain] A huge number.

Its frightening going to weddings.

- [Ira] Meet Alain de Botton, author of articles

of titles like, Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person?

- Ah, what time is it?

- [Francisca] 9:42.

- Shit.

That late?

You got a big day?

- [Francisca] Not really.

- Cool.

Look.

You're beautiful.

- [Francisca] Thank you.

- Yeah.

You know I really feel like under a different set

of circumstances, we could really pursue this make it work,

share a life together.

- [Francisca] Really?

- Yeah.

God, you're so great.

I just, you know, you're my student.

I think it's something that we should leave unexplored

just for the time being.

- I had no idea you felt that way.

I'm flattered, but I think you're right

when you say this cant work.

- Oh?

- [Francisca] I'm not really looking for a relationship

at the moment.

And then there's the whole age gap thing so.

- Well, I'm barely 34.

You want a coffee?

Cup of tea?

- No, I'm good.

Thanks.

- You know because of your book

I thought you'd be different sexually.

- Different how?

- I don't know.

Avant-garde?

It's not bad.

It's just you don't fuck like you write.

It's interesting.

See ya.

- [Leila] Hey.

- Hey.

- After you.

- [Sadie] Thank you.

- Absolutely nothing is changing.

We are just taking a break from being partners.

- We are, we're still business partners.

- Definitely.

So, while we're not feeling so compatible romantically,

we're feeling incredibly compatible professionally.

- Right, so has anybody got any questions?

- Mommy and daddy love you very much.

Hello?

Hello, is this thing on?

- Guys, look what I found!

Our love fuels the work!

- Right, I'm done here.

- Hye Me, could you check in on her later?

Just make sure she's okay?

- Of course.

- Your hair is different.

- Yeah, you like it?

It's really painful but I think it works.

- Yeah.

It's trendy.

- [Leila] Thanks.

- You wanna play Assassin's Creed?

My friend Jon-Criss leaves his console here

because he has an addictive personality.

- Thanks, but I have to go to Aphrodyki.

I promised my friends I'd meet them there.

You're welcome to come, but it's gonna be all lesbians.

- Where is this place?

- [Leila] Dalston.

- Cool, cool, cool.

I'll be the only guy there.

- Only straight guy, I guess.

- Okay.

Yeah, sounds interesting.

They won't be offended if I'm there?

- Dude.

Shit or get off the pot.

So, you got laid last night.

- Shit.

Were we loud?

- Yeah.

It's really hard to jerk off when you're in my ear.

- Okay.

- I'm sorry does that make you uncomfortable

when I talk about masturbation?

- No, no, not at all.

- No and you can like picture in your head

and it's distracting?

- Yeah, just a bit.

- Yeah, now you know how I feel when I'm trying to jerk off

and your girlfriend's putting on a show.

This is it.

- She's not my girlfriend.

I was actually trying to break it off, but you know,

it got confusing.

I said, "Look, you're amazing and,

you know in a different world

I could see us sharing a life, but."

- Why would you say that?

- I was being polite.

- By saying you want to share a life together?

- In a different world, like, you know,

you are worthy of love and companionship with someone

like me, but not me.

- That is not at all what that means.

- Anyway she flipped it so suddenly she's dumping me

and it's a mess because her take on colonial deconstruction

was derivative, and now it looks like

I'm lowering her mark because she rejected me

when really I was trying to reject her.

- She's your student?

- It's a temporary job.

I'm more a novelist than her teacher.

Salman Rushdie's over 70.

He only dates models in their twenties.

- Yeah, I wouldn't use Salman Rushdie

as a fucking role model.

- Oh, fair enough.

Should I be wearing my glasses do you think?

- Can you see without your glasses?

- [Gabe] I can see up close but I cant see far away.

I mean I think I look better,

but they leave these weird indents on my nose,

so I think I might leave them on.

- Okay, leave them on.

- [Gabe] What about my cardigan?

- [Leila] Cardigan's fine.

- Oh, nice hair.

- What?

No, shut up.

- It's hot.

- You are.

- What?

- Nothing.

Bye.

Am I sad?

Yeah, I'm sad.

Do I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night

thinking she's there and I reach out and she's not

and I'm completely alone in the world?

Yeah of course, but I genuinely think

that we need to take this space before we can move forward.

- What did you do to your hair?

- Do you not like it?

- No, it's lovely.

- Thank you.

- So what are people's thoughts about the film

Blue Is The Warmest Colour?

You think it's a fair representation of lesbian women

and their partners?

- Sadie's a fucking mess.

Think she's spending the weekend with her mum.

- That's not possible.

- Grace drives her crazy.

- When the shit's hitting the fan it's a comfort

to be with your mum, even if she is a twat.

- Can we just drop it?

Sadie will be fine, she always is.

- [Beth] She's the prettiest crier I've ever seen.

- I've been crying too.

- Did she cry when you guys broke up?

- No, it was pretty mutual.

- We didn't break up.

We're just taking some time.

- The craziest thing just happened.

This girl came up and she was like, "Hi",

and I was like "Hi".

And she was like, "You're fit",

and then she kissed me.

A girl just kissed me.

Oh my God, you two.

You're so beautiful and both so Irish.

Can you like kiss for me?

- Okay, drunky.

Let's go.

- Oh, bye.

Bye friends.

- Always with the straight girls.

- It's like bad things or pussy

are a gateway drug to lesbianism.

- I hate the show and it should never be used

as a point of reference for anything.

But--

- But?

- Beth's a Dana, and she's trying to be a Shane.

- That is so true.

- Sorry what, what are you talking about?

- The L word.

- Yeah, and just 'cause one person made one fucking L word

reference tonight does not mean you get to go back

to all your friends and say that all lesbians

do is talk about the L word.

- Jesus Christ.

- Oh okay.

She's in a cab.

It would've been really weird if I took her home.

Right?

- You have to stop with the straight girls.

- I think she's bisexual.

- Sex tourist.

All the girls you date are sex tourists.

Does anyone know an actual bisexual?

- I'm pretty sure bisexuality is a myth.

Yeah, that it was created by ad executives

to sell flavoured vodka.

- I think the girl I'm dating might be bisexual?

- Yeah?

- Yeah, the girl I was talking about.

She and her friend get intimate.

- When they're out drinking with a group of people

or when they're alone and sober.

- Out drinking.

- She's perfect for Beth.

[upbeat music]

I'm upset about you and Sadie.

I know it's none of my business,

but I think you're making a huge mistake.

- [Leila] Okay.

- Why did you say no when she asked you to marry her?

- That's none of your business.

- I'm sorry.

You're right.

I'm protective of her.

- I know.

- Because we used to be together.

- Yeah Esther, I know.

- If you don't want her you need to let her go.

It's cruel to drag it out.

- I need a piss.

- What?

- Piss!

- Okay!

- [Leila] Hey, are you having a bad time?

- Your friends hate me.

- No, don't mind them.

They just get tunnel vision when they're all together.

Don't take it personally.

- It's not personal.

I mean, they just don't like men.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

You know you were dying to go out with lesbians

and the minute we don't match up to your wet dream fantasy,

we all become man hating dykes?

- Should I go?

- I don't know.

Do whatever the fuck you want.

- You and your boyfriend have a row?

- He's not my boyfriend.

- Ow!

- Sorry.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm not really sure how to do it with my hands,

but I'm just gonna go ahead and use my mouth.

- No, no, no, it's okay.

You don't have to do that.

- Nope, nope it's cool.

Go ahead, stick it in my mouth.

- Yeah, I think we should have a breather.

- I find you incredibly hot and I want you to fuck me now.

- Gonna get a condom?

- Okay.

It's so funny I've never seen one of these in real life.

- What?

- So full disclosure.

I have not done this before.

- You're a virgin?

- No.

I've only had sex with women.

- Wow.

Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm good.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- You sure?

- Yeah, I'm sure.

- What was it about me that made you think

that I'd be the right person to do this with?

Am I like a lesbian?

- Well, the fact that you keep trying to talk

while I'm trying to fuck you does strike me as a dyke move.

- God, I've wanked to this situation

so many times in my head.

It's just not really what I thought it would be like.

- Maybe I should go?

- Okay.

- No, stay.

- What?

- Nothing.

- [Coat Check Guy] Leila?

- Yeah?

- Could you pass my charger?

Cheers.

- Holy shit, it's you.

- Hey.

- Ah, this is how I know you.

Did you know how I knew you?

You know I can't believe you work here.

Well, it's so--

- Working class?

- I was gonna say random.

[speaking foreign language]

[phone ringing]

- Leila.

- [Leila] I'm gonna propose to Sadie.

- [Deniz] Come to the shop.

- I'm on my way to her flat right now.

I'm gonna fill it with streamers and balloons

and all kinds of stupid shit and surprise her

when she gets back from her mom's!

All right, I love you.

Bye.

- Fuck.

- What is it?

[speaking foreign language]

Is she okay?

- Do you drive?

- Not well.

- I may be drunk.

♪ Don't you know your queen

♪ Ripped

♪ Heaving

♪ Flower bloom at my feet

Don't do it!

- [Gabe] Yeah!

- What the fuck?

- [Deniz] Don't do this.

- Why not?

Be honest.

You think I made a mistake.

- What the fuck do I know?

["Perfume Genuis" by Queen]

We shouldn't be here.

- Nice place.

Jesus!

Please don't stab them.

- Let's go.

Leila!

- Fuck!

["Perfume Genius" by Queen]

- I'm sorry I upset you earlier.

- It's okay.

I was being an ass.

- Why did you leave her?

- There's something really terrifying

about her being so sure.

- And you're not?

- Yeah.

- You wonder if there's something better out there?

- Not even better, just like.

I can't believe she fucked Hye Me.

And I can't believe I spit gum in a black girl's hair.

It was an accident and I'm going to hell.

- You're more attractive than she is.

- Which one?

- Both.

- Thank you.

["Perfume Genuis" by Queen]