Original subtitles

♪♪

Do you ever think about dying?

I just watched Chernobyl on HBO.

There were so many people dying,

I couldn't even laugh at the jokes.

You never know what's gonna get ya, Francine.

Take my friend, Jennifer.

She got warts on her feet walking barefoot

at a Rascal Flatts concert.

Which is why I always wear foot condoms.

You'd think they don't make condoms that big.

But I've got a guy? Downtown?

He'll make you condoms any size you want.

Roger! I'm trying to talk to you about death.

Do you realize we could go at any time?

And as if that weren't bad enough,

Jennifer's having a crisis with her adult daughter, Ricki.

Can you listen to me?

Ricki won't move out of the house.

And now Ricki's adult mom's new boyfriend,

Douglath -- that's how he pronounces it

because he says that's the "official" way --

- Douglath... - FRANCINE: Ugh!

He's so annoying!

Brain, do what Roger sounds like.

"Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah." That's exactly right, brain.

Good impression.

Ugh, maybe I should just go.

Yeah, good idea.

- I'm gonna go. - Oh, don't go!

Having you here makes me feel so heard.

I guess that's why you're my best friend

in the whole wide world.

- I'm your best friend? - Yes.

What about Stan?

He's been distant since we kissed at Coachella.

- How about Klaus? - Derendorf?

The LA-based record producer?

- I barely know him! - What about Steve?

Potrowski?

-Hayley -- -Joel Osment?

A solid friend, but we'll never be

as close as you and me.

Ugh.

I guess I could hang out a bit longer.

Good. Oh, get this!

Jennifer's daughter had sex with a man at SeaWorld.

In front of the dolphins.

And the dolphins started acting all weird after.

They had to pour CBD oil into the tank.

(patriotic music plays)

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good -- ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪♪

Death. Death. Death. Death.

Death. Death. Death.

ROGER: Oh, Franci-ine! I got an update...

- (thud) - ...about Ricki's adult mom

Jennifer's boyfriend, Douglaaaath!

Hmm.

Where is she?

- (door opens) - Oh, hey, Hayley.

Puttin' in a tampon?

- HAYLEY: Get out! - (door slams)

ROGER: Sheesh. Must be that time of the month.

Ooh, a visitor.

- Welcome to my alcove. - Shh!

I'm hiding out from Roger,

and this is the last place anyone would ever go.

KLAUS: Visitors can sometimes say the cruelest things.

Alas, why was I born loving visitors so?

You must never let a visitor see your tears, Klaus.

Ha-ha! Good one, Francine.

I'm actually off to a bit of a spa day

in the kitchen.

You should come with.

Francine?

You in here cooking up some yogurt?

(steam hissing)

Ahh. Nothing like a good steam.

So, what's going on with you and Roger?

He doesn't listen to me anymore.

He's always blah, blah, blah nonstop.

Seems like maybe the door is opening wider

for our friendship.

Uch.

I don't come to the spa to be hit on

by little orange lame-os.

I'm trying to solve my problem with Roger.

Well, you could be honest with him about your feelings.

Like you are with me for some cruel reason.

Meh.

Well, if it's his constant gabbing

that's driving you crazy, go somewhere he can't talk.

Like space!

- Or the movies. - Oh, that's great.

Because it's closer.

And I know how to get there.

And I have a coupon.

And you can't eat Goobers in space.

They'd float away!

I think that's enough reasons.

♪♪

So it turns out, Ricki's boyfriend wasn't a lawyer.

He was just carrying a briefcase to and from Starbucks every day.

- Jennifer was crushed. - Shh!

Mister, you're ruining my first trip to the movies.

I see right through you, pal. You're not a little kid.

You're just a tiny man who gets his rocks off

pretending he's never been to a theater before.

(deep voice) You don't know me.

Roger, be quiet!

Fine, I'll whisper.

(whispering) So, Jennifer is taking a trip to Chicago --

Oh, my gosh. Have you ever been to Chicago?

There is so much deep-dish pizza,

which is a thing I do not like.

I'm more of a super-flat cheeseburger guy myself.

FRANCINE: What is happening?

I love this whispering.

Please direct me to your city's finest, flattest cheeseburger.

FRANCINE: Goosebumps.

ROGER: The real Chicagoan experience...

(electronic dance music plays)

Waaaaahhhh!

Y'all feelin' this?!

Neuron dance partyyyyy!

♪♪

♪♪

ROGER: ...a man on the bus said it didn't matter how much

I liked flat cheeseburgers.

That didn't make it a Chicago thing.

So, whatever, that trip was a bust.

The end.

No, keep talking about yourself,

and don't forget to whisper.

You're the best listener in the world.

Okay, so after Chi-Town, I was like,

"Why am I traveling so much?"

So I stayed home and went to CVS

and slid around the linoleum

in the socks Stan yelled at me for wearing hiking.

(bell rings)

STEVE: There she is, fellas.

The future Mrs. Ashley Wagner.

I'll be taking her name when we get married.

Does she even know you exist?

Not yet, but I've written a love note

to drop in her locker.

Smart! Girls love to read!

I told her I'd reveal myself at the dance

and signed it "Your secret admirer,"

so she'll fall in love with me for the merits of my writing

and not my Rachel Maddow good looks.

Coming through!

Dangerous construction materials!

Shortcut to the site, through the school!

♪♪

Ooh, goth girls. Spooky.

♪♪

Steve, look out!

- Ugh! - (rods clatter)

(students gasp)

Oh, God! I could be blamed for this.

- Aaaah! - Aah!

My sweet Steve!

We were friends!

(sobbing) We were friends!

What are you talking about?

We're still friends.

Do you not feel it?

Feel what?

Hey, look. Someone slipped me a note.

"Dear beautiful." Hah!

Flattery will get you everywhere.

"You're all I can think about..."

(gasps)

Are you all right?

I'm better than all right!

I have a secret admirer!

And she's gonna reveal herself at the dance!

Looks like ol' Steven Anita

might be the first to lose his V-card.

(locker clangs)

(clanging continues)

♪♪

♪♪

(chuckles)

One of those days, huh?

Roger whispered.

- (steam hisses) - And when he did,

it gave me an incredible sensation.

A kind of peace and relaxation I haven't felt

since I started obsessing over death.

I got the chilly thrillies up and down my neck!

Ah, yes.

Technically, it's called ASMR.

ASMR? As in...

asymmetrical sexy men rule?

No. It's when you get unbelievably relaxed

by whispers.

It also works with eating pickles or other crunchy foods,

like, uh...

pickles, w-which is, uh...

the best example.

Some people think ASMR is sexual,

but for most people, it's not.

But for me, it definitely is.

Klaus, this is perfect!

I'll just hang out with Roger where he's forced to whisper.

- (tranquil music plays) - (whispering) So it turns out,

Ricki's boyfriend didn't run out on her.

He just got tangled in some wind chimes at a Pier 1

and they found him a couple of days ago,

severely dehydrated.

♪♪

That movie was really relaxing.

Oh, yeah, these Transformers movies are so zen.

All that metal-on-metal scraping.

And Optimus Prime is sneaky funny.

Hanging out with you has really taken my mind off

death by nuclear holocaust.

In fact, why are we leaving?

Let's see another movie.

I'm a little movied out.

Can we go somewhere where I can talk?

Out loud?

Oh! Yes.

Great idea.

How about the...

library?

La biblioteca?

That's Spanish for "Sure, why not?"

(whispering) Oh, I am a total Hufflepuff.

Don't you think I'm a Hufflepuff?

Francine, what the fuff is a Hufflepuff?

Pickle?

A man would be a fool to refuse a purse pickle.

(crunching)

Ahh!

(crunching continues)

Oh, that's nice.

Uhp, there's an owl in this.

If I was interested in things with big eyes,

I would still be stalking Emma Stone.

Do you think I should check on her?

No, let's go to a golf tournament.

Sure. A-And maybe on the way, we swing by her parents' house

and see if they have anything cool in their trash?

(birds chirping)

(whispering) Douglath bailed on Jen,

so she went indoor skydiving alone.

So brave.

I can't even go to Souplantation alone.

What do you think it would sound like

if you tapped your nails on this book

I stole from the library?

(gentle tapping)

(grunts)

- Aah! - (body thuds, crowd gasps)

I think he killed that guy.

(relaxed) It's okay.

I've come to realize

death plays a beautiful role

in the circle of life.

♪♪

(whispering) This funeral reminds me

of when Jennifer's dog got heartworm.

It survived, of course.

That's the main difference.

Crinkle these noodles as you talk.

You betcha.

(package crinkling)

Shortcut through the cemetery!

Ooh, this funeral's spooky!

Wow. My secret admirer is a helluva writer.

Should we tell him he wrote that letter?

Why? Look how happy he is.

Just look at the way she loops her L's.

She clearly knows her way around a dick.

Should we at least pull out the pole?

No, then he'll remember he wrote the note!

You want to fix his brain and break his heart?

(crunching)

Mm. This food tastes kind of metallic.

Are you guys getting any of that?

Yes, sirree!

Pearl Bailey's famous copper nachos.

There's a lucky penny melted into every batch!

So, you guys are assuring me this is normal?

Ohhh, yeah.

Everything that's going on is normal.

Normal's the word of the day here.

♪♪

Francinie-weenie!

Ready to hang?

Huh, no Francine.

Welp, then I guess this is a great time

for me to snooooop!

Spider-Man action figure.

Unexpected.

Grapefruit.

Another Spider-Man? Wow.

She really has a thing for Spider-Man.

- (buzzing) - Ohhh!

What's this?

A microcassette of "Roger's whispers"?

ROGER (whispering): And I'm like, "What channels do I lose

if I move down to the ultimate package?"

And she's like, "You'd lose HGTV and DIY Network."

So, yeah, I still pay $400 a month for cable.

- (button clicks) - (Klaus whistling)

Klaus, do you know why Francine is recording my stories?

Is she trying to steal them for a book or something?

Like you did when you befriended The Situation?

Yeah, like that.

Oh, no. She doesn't care about what you're saying.

She just likes the sounds your mouth makes

when you whisper and stuff!

They relax her.

She's recording everything you do.

What?!

"Roger's crunching"?

(crunching)

- (button clicks) - Oh, my God.

Is that what I sound like when I eat pickles?

Ugh. So nasally.

I thought I sounded more like

Dwayne "Vin Diesel 'The Rock'" Johnson.

(deep voice) Rawr, we're family! Crunch crunch.

(normal voice) Francine's not listening to me?

(sobbing)

I caught you red-handed!

Hey, man, I paid for this toast.

"Roger's crunching"?!

You only care about my noises!

What's the big deal?

We're hanging out, and your noises relax me.

You want to relax?

Listen to the crunch of me destroying your tapes!

- (crunching) - No!

Ahhh.

But no!

Oh, that's nice.

Well, that's all you're getting!

You won't get another sound out of me!

Roger, I can just follow you around

and tape whatever I want.

Oh, you're gonna follow me, huh?

Bet you won't follow me to...

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chernobyl.

Roger, you can't go to Chernobyl!

It's dangerous!

Well, I'd rather die there than be ignored here!

Hey, Mom. Heads up --

I hit a cyclist with your car.

She's not dead.

I put her in the trunk until I can come up with a plan.

Just letting you know where I've been lately.

(somber music plays)

(frantically) My whispers.

Where are my whispers?

I need my whispers!

I could do them for you, Francine.

(gravelly whisper) You're sssssafe

with Klaussssss.

No, just stop! You don't have it!

Yessss, I dooooo.

I drove Roger away!

He left!

I drove him to the airport, and then he left!

(normal voice) Well, you could go after him.

Ooh, according to his Insta, he's made it to Chernobyl.

Oh, no! We've got to save him!

The radiation's gonna make him sick!

It's already making him thirsty.

What the hell, I'll give him a little sip.

(droning music plays)

What the hell am I doing here?

- Was this stupid? - Yes.

Well, we have to find Roger.

According to Ask Jeeves, we have five hours

before the radiation turns us into walkin'-talkin' tumors.

Five hours 'til I turn into that fish

from The Simpsons with three eyes.

Do you watch The Simpsons, Francine?

It's getting good.

And Jennifer's current boyfriend

is also a bartender at TGI Friday's.

So either she's got a type or she can't walk away

from free Jack Daniel's Shrimp and Grits.

That is fine, but you have very little time to live.

The radiation has already eaten away your nose and ears.

Well, you look like a banana with a handle.

- (air hissing) - Pee-yew!

You been Vladimir Putin in there?

What have you done?!

You should be thanking me!

You were just breathing it in!

Roger?

Well, look who it is.

The person I was wrong about how afraid they were of Chernobyl.

I thought I wouldn't see you here.

Roger, you look terrible.

You need to come home.

So you can have my whispers at your disposal?

Well, you're not gonna like my whispers anymore!

(whoosh)

(gasps)

The radiation has made them more relaxing than ever!

- (whooshing) - (distorted) Sleeeeep!

(both sigh)

(snoring)

Wow. I guess life is coming back to Chernobyl.

(yawning)

I've heard of a weeping willow, but a sleeping willow?

(ting!)

♪♪

(indistinct conversations)

There's only a few more songs left.

Steve's gonna be devastated when there's no secret admirer.

Did -- Did we handle this wrong?

I have an idea!

Hit me with it, Barry.

Maybe if we each got a pole in our head,

we'd have secret admirers like Steve!

Okay. I'm on my own here.

Just gotta break the news to him.

And I'll work on finding poles!

(sighs)

Steve, there's nobody coming.

That love note?

You wrote it yourself.

Ohhh. And I probably don't remember

because I have a pole in my head.

You know about that?!

I tied my bow tie.

Can't do that without a mirror.

So, in a way,

I'm my own secret admirer!

You always have been.

Me, may I have this dance?

Yes, me. You may.

♪♪

I got the poles!

- (grunts) - (poles clatter)

(stammering)

Look! Barry's doing a new dance!

I call it the Barry! Everybody do the Barry!

♪ Barry, Barry, Barry ♪

♪ Do the Barry-Barry ♪

♪ He's a fat kid who's almost fallin' down ♪

Lock the doors until everyone does the Barry.

(droning music plays)

(both groaning)

(gasps)

How long were we out for?

We only have an hour before we die.

And we don't have any idea where Roger is.

Maybe he went that way.

(animals snoring)

But even if we find him,

he'll just put us to sleep again.

Hmm.

Did you see the movie Bird Box?

It's been on my watch list for like six months,

but I don't actually want to watch it.

Well, what if instead of Sandra Bullock

not being able to see,

she couldn't hear?

(gasps) That sounds so scary!

But like I said, I haven't seen it,

and I'm probably not going to.

(sighs) We're gonna have to reach Roger

without our most important sense.

I can't hear where I'm going!

How do deaf people get anywhere?

What, Francine? Where are you?

What the hell?

(dramatic music plays)

KLAUS: Gawwww. Stacked high animals.

This is horrible.

But now I'm getting used to it.

Now it's kind of cute.

(animals snoring)

♪♪

What are you doing here?

I thought I told you to

(distorted) sleeeep!

Wait, why aren't you asleep?

Roger, we've gotta go!

You're gonna die!

I don't care!

You don't belong here alone!

You wouldn't even go to Souplantation by yourself!

You heard me!

Come on!

You're acting weirder than those dolphins

after they saw Ricki having sex with that guy at SeaWorld!

Oh, my God.

(pleasant music plays)

You were... listening to me the whole time?

Well, part of the time.

You talk a lot, Roger.

I'm bound to pick up bits and pieces.

That's so sweet of you, remembering all that stuff

about people I made up.

Oh, no!

We've gotta get out of here.

Klaus is dying!

Or maybe it's too late for him,

but we have a little time.

Because there's a brunch place I'd like to try out.

Although it might not be open.

A lot of stuff closed after the, um...

nuclear unpleasantness.

I'm sorry I used you for your noises.

I know I'm supposed to be your best friend,

but I wasn't acting like it.

Well, you did face your fear of death to come bring me home.

Huh, that's true.

Let's celebrate our friendship by doing The Barry!

PRINCIPAL LEWIS: ♪ Barry, Barry, Barry ♪

♪ Do the Barry-Barry ♪

♪ He's a fat kid who's almost fallin' down ♪

The Barry?

The radiation is driving them insane.

I'm with you, brother.

These people are nuts.

But I've got your back.

I am your back!

(laughing)

Have a great night!