Original subtitles

[BUZZING]

WOMAN [OVER INTERCOM]: Hello, Qwerty Films.

Morgan Banner for Michael Kuhn.

[DOOR BUZZING] Push the door.

That works. Good.

Oh, great. It's dark.

There's no lights here, so careful.

MAN: What is this story anyway?

Michael wouldn't tell me who these people are,

what their story is, so I don't know.

What do you mean, they're not here?

MICHAEL: They're around the corner having a coffee.

They'll be up in a minute. What are you talking about?

I've traveled 4000 miles for this meeting.

I know.

I know, but they won't come up unless I phone them...

and tell them that you've signed this.

It's a confidentiality agreement.

[CHUCKLING] Jesus Christ.

I-- I've had enough of this bullshit.

No, Morgan. Morgan, wait. Michael,

what do you think I do?

Just action. Just...

I make documentaries.

They put them in cinemas all over the world

for millions of people

to watch them.

I don't make confidential films.

I realize that.

But this...

This thing...

This thing

these people have done,

the thing that I want you to hear...

well, they've kept it secret for 10 years.

They're still not sure how many laws they broke doing it.

And they simply want to know that if you're not interested,

you won't tell their story to anyone else.

This had better be so good.

MAN: Ray, are you all right?

RAY: If you don't mind, I'll do all the talking, yeah?

MAN: You can't stop exaggerating.

RAY: What are you talking about?

You gotta relax a bit more.

Look, careful.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi.

You all right?

RAY: Uh, my name's

Ray Santilli.

This is my friend, Gary Shoefield.

All right?

RAY: You've probably never heard

of us though, have you?

Correct. GARY: Um,

why don't you type Ray's name into Google

and see what happens? Yeah.

Ah, come on.

MORGAN: S-A-N-T-I--

Double L, I.

Yeah.

How many hits?

Three million, nine hundred eighty-two thousand--

BOTH: Four hundred.

And seven. Seven.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Bet you wanna hear their story now.

[SUPERGRASS' "ALRIGHT" PLAYING]

* We are young We run green *

* Keep our teeth Nice and clean *

* See our friends See the sights *

* Feel alright *

* We wake up We go out *

* Smoke a fag Put it out *

* See our friends See the sights *

* Feel alright *

* Are we like you? *

* I can't be sure *

* Of the scene As she turns *

* We are strange In our worlds *

* But we are young We get by *

* Can't go mad Ain't got time *

* Sleep around If we like *

* But we're alright... *

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Gary, how are you doing?

How do you think I'm doing? You took my car.

RAY: Calm down, Gary, we discussed this.

GARY: Yes, Ray.

We discussed it, and I said no.

Gary, please, it's only for one day.

Look...

whatever you do, don't eat in the car.

Okay, mate.

Hey, thanks, Gary.

And, mate,

I appreciate this.

Ray--

MAN [ON TV]: If you suspect...

RAY: You up yet, Nan?

...an illegal or pirated video, please call the number...

I'm putting the new Woody Harrelson on the telly.

It's called Natural Born Killers.

I think you'll like it.

Just, uh...

Just don't stop it once it's started, will you?

I'm taping it for a couple of friends.

All right, sweetheart.

Where are you going?

I thought you wanted to watch the film.

Uh, maybe later, uh, when I get back.

Back from where?

My date.

Your date?

His name's Maurice. I met him at bingo.

Well, where's he taking you?

Margate, for the day.

Oh, I cannot wait.

I haven't been on a date

in 47 years.

Now, just hold on.

I don't know anything about this Maurice character.

And if you've just met him, you don't either.

I don't like this, Nan. I don't like this one little bit.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Ah.

Oh, hello.

I'm Mau-- RAY: Maurice.

Right.

This is a first date, yes?

No funny business.

I'm not sure I underst--

And I want her back here by 4:00,

or there'll be trouble. Raymond, go, please.

Do we understand each other?

Four o'clock.

I'll be waiting.

[***]

Guess what I got?

You get them Babe tapes?

Yeah. Plus three GoldenEye.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Come on, now. I've got cushions.

I've got... I've got pillows.

I've got T-shirts, all featuring the king.

What about you, my darling?

All these-- All the way from Vegas.

All-- Oh...

MAN: So you say this is a genuine Toy Story video?

Yes. I've got friends in the business, all right?

They look after me.

You got friends in Hollywood?

Yeah. Me and Mr. Potato Head are like this:

That's me on top there, look. All right?

I got something for you. Here we go, my friend.

Timecop, special edition. Van Damme has never been better.

I don't want one of your stolen videos,

thank you very much.

They're copied, yeah?

With great care and attention by me,

so you'll have no problem, all right?

Well, that's where you're right, Mr. Santilli.

Islington Council trading standards officer.

And it's you that's got the problem.

Oi!

Arrest him.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[MOUTHING] Come here.

[SIGHS]

I told you on the phone, I can't help you.

But you're my lawyer.

I'm not your lawyer.

I'm not anyone's lawyer because I'm not a lawyer,

Ray.

I'm a clerk in a Legal Department.

But they've impounded all my stock.

I have to get it back.

This month's sales are paying

for my trip to America, Gary.

A buying trip that's gonna transform my whole business.

I'm sorry. Please go now.

[SIGHS]

All right.

[SIGHS]

Help me out of this,

and I'll cut you in as well.

You're sitting on my receipts.

I want you to leave.

What are you talking about?

You can't wanna be a legal clerk

for the rest of your life.

MAN: Gary, a word in your ear, please.

I'm not going to be.

MAN: Come on. Chop-chop.

Come in. Have a seat.

I wanted to have a word with you, Gary.

Because there's gonna be an opportunity opening up

for a bright young individual that the firm

is willing to send back to college

to get their law degree

and then put on a fast track to top management.

I had heard some rumors.

Well, because of your experience,

because of your knowledge of this company

and the people working in this company,

Mm-hm. we wanted to ask you...

[CHUCKLING] Really?

who you'd choose, Marcus or Rachel?

[***]

It's not easy, is it?

Who would you be more comfortable calling boss?

WOMAN: Yes, sir, that's three portions. Okay.

MAN: That's right. MAN 2: You all right, mate?

Best thing that ever happened to you, Gary.

MAN 2: That's it.

Well, now you know you've got no future there.

Tell 'em to shove it.

Here you go, lads. Thanks.

Look, think about it.

How are you ever gonna date a Page 3 girl

or drive a Pontiac GTO

working as a lawyer for a biscuit firm?

I don't care what you say.

I'm not going to America with you.

Aren't you tired of playing it safe yet?

I mean, take a risk.

Bet on yourself.

Bet on myself?

Yeah.

Maybe you're right.

Of course, I'm right.

Why do I need them?

Exactly.

I could pay for myself

to go to law school.

What?

Apply for a place myself, pay the fees myself.

You mean, after we get back from America.

I'm not going to America.

Yeah, but you haven't got any money.

Ah, but I will have though, when I sell my car.

Do you have any idea what a mint condition,

perfectly restored 1974 Ford Capri goes for these days?

Ray,

where's my car?

RAY: I can sell Elvis stuff standing on my head.

Authentic memorabilia,

that's the business we're going into.

You can't still be huffy about the car.

Why not?

But look what you've got in its place, though. Hm?

A stake in your own business.

And this time, we're going right to the top.

Don't want your sag aloo?

Nope.

Wicked. Cheers.

[***]

RAY: The plan was perfect.

Elvis had given a concert in Cleveland in 1954.

So we stuck an ad in the local paper,

saying that we were gonna be in town for a few days

and we'd pay cash to anybody who had any old photos

or better still, film footage of the king himself

performing there 40 years before.

Then the idea was we'd bring it all home,

sell it for a fortune.

GARY: Well, that was the idea.

RAY: Gary. Gary.

You've got to come see this.

This is Harvey.

Hello.

[WHISPERS] Look. Look at that.

It's the king performing here 41 years ago.

And...

it's uncopyrighted.

[CHUCKLES]

So you think you might be interested?

Uh...maybe.

Maybe.

Condition's not great. Mmm.

Oh, and there's no sound-- No sound.

--which is a problem. It's a problem.

I'll tell you what, why don't we forget the whole thing?

[STAMMERING]

Why don't you go next door and get yourself some more punch

while I discuss this with my business partner?

Fine.

Fine.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Oh... Will it be expensive?

No. I've got him in the palm of my hand.

[***]

RAY: * I've been so lonely I could die *

* Since my baby left-- *

Ooh-ooh.

* I found a new place To dwell *

* Down at the end Of lonely street *

* At heartbreak hotel *

* Oh, baby *

Jesus! You scared the life out of me.

Hang on a minute.

If you've come back about the film,

well, I'm sorry, you're too late.

A deal's a deal, you know. I'm fine with the deal.

I have another piece of film I think

that you'll be interested in.

Well, what is it?

I don't have it with me.

But you've really got to see it to understand.

[***]

Did you just see that?

What?

There's a shooting star just there, right above us.

Yeah. Well, it's gone now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There are things up there so beautiful,

sometimes I've cried...

just thinking about them.

Hmm.

Beautiful...

and terrible.

Both.

Well, it's gonna be a wild ride for you, Raymond.

A wild, wild ride.

After you.

This is it.

I was a combat photographer

for the United States Air Corps.

One night in 1947,

I was pulled out of bed

and flown for five hours to an air base

that I'd never heard of.

Where I was ordered to...film this.

[***]

MORGAN: All right, all right. Just a minute. Just a minute.

Can you say that again?

The film showed the autopsy

of an alien being.

It was carried out at Roswell Air Base, New Mexico,

in July, 1947.

And you saw the footage?

Mm. What did you think?

GARY: Well, I didn't see it, you see.

'Cause like I said, I'd had the early night,

so I didn't go with him to-- To Florida.

RAY: You had jet lag. Didn't you have jet lag?

No, I think I drank too much punch, to be honest.

It was drunk punch.

Do you have any idea what it would mean

if this was actually true?

If you'd actually found documented proof

that man wasn't alone in the universe?

It would be the most important discovery

in the history of mankind.

It would change everything forever.

And you're telling me,

out of all the people on the planet,

you're the one who's been blessed with this discovery?

Isn't it brilliant?

[***]

Oh, I can't deal with this.

I can't deal with another one of your fantastic lies.

But it's not a lie.

Look, just sell your imaginary film

and the rest of this bloody tat.

Give me my money back.

We'll never have to talk about it again.

I can't. Harvey wants $30,000 for the film.

Where am I gonna get $30,000 from?

I don't know and I don't care.

I need an investor, Gary, to put up the money.

You have to help me.

GARY: If you ask me,

it wasn't an investor he needed,

it was a nutcase who already believed this UFO nonsense.

RAY: And fortunately,

just the right nutcase

happened to share Gary's passion for cars.

GARY: Laszlo Voros.

MORGAN: This guy who is some kind of banker,

or investor or something?

RAY: No.

GARY: No, no, he was a psycho Hungarian art dealer

who had a booming coke business on the side.

He lived with his Jamaican boyfriend-cum-bodyguard

in Belgravia.

I'd met him at a car show in Birmingham

'cause we're both obsessed with Detroit muscle cars

of the 1970s.

And frankly, he scared the shit out of me.

But Ray was desperate,

and Voros was a big fan of crop circles.

[LAUGHING]

RAY: So Gary made the call.

[HORN HONKS]

[MOUTHS] Me?

[***]

Um, hi. Are you, uh...?

VOROS: Get in.

Okay.

VOROS: This had better be good, Mr. Santilli.

Uh...

[MUFFLED YELLING]

Is that someone in the boot?

Just concentrate on telling me about this film.

Well, it's the most unbelievable thing I've ever seen.

Unbelievable.

There I was in...

There it is, in front of me, up on the screen,

proof that there is life on other planets.

And all I need is 30 grand.

VOROS: Hmm. Why don't we get some air?

[MUFFLED YELLING]

[VOROS LAUGHING]

You know what I like about the heavens, Mr. Santilli?

No.

All that beauty.

You know what it is?

No.

Just the remnants of a massive explosion.

Violence is everywhere, you see.

And I'm something of a connoisseur

when it comes to violence.

[COCKS GUN]

So let me ask you a question.

Are you lying to me about what's on this film?

No. No, no.

I swear to you, everything I've told you is absolutely true.

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

[GUNSHOT] [SEAGULL SQUAWKS]

[WATER SPLASHES]

[CHUCKLES]

I like you, Ray.

I really do.

You'll have the money tomorrow in the morning.

RAY: I'm-- I'm-- I'm in pieces by this point.

I mean, I'm the most scared I have ever been in my life.

But you got the money though.

Yeah, but don't underestimate

how scary it was. Oh, I'm not.

RAY: You know, it was a really scary moment.

Yeah, but you got the money. That's what I'm saying.

All right. But don't underestimate how--

MORGAN: Hang on. Hang on a minute.

You got the money and...

RAY: We got the money, yeah.

It's all there? It's all there.

It better be.

Now, whatever happens, I don't want anybody knowing it was me

who gave you this.

I'm not signing anything, I'm not banking this money,

and there's nobody still alive

that knows that I've got this film.

And I want it kept that way.

RAY: That was it. I got it.

As far as I was concerned,

I'd just pulled off the deal of the century.

MORGAN: If this is the most secret film in history,

why did the cameraman end up with it?

I don't get that part.

By mistake.

There are eight prints made of the film.

Four of them and the original negative

were sent to Washington.

Three more were sent to Air Force Intelligence in Utah.

And the final print goes back with Harvey to Florida,

where he's told it's gonna be picked up.

A week later, the whole world of military intelligence

is completely turned on its head.

The Air Force splits from the Army, right?

That's when that happened. Yeah.

The OSS is broken up and restructured into the CIA.

RAY: None of the cameraman's contact numbers work anymore.

A year later, the film in Florida

still hadn't been picked up.

So he hung on to it,

thinking that someday somebody would just come and get it.

GARY: But no one ever did.

Right. Okay.

Take a seat, Jasmine. All right. Here we go.

Now, I'm sure you've all heard something about the film

that I've just brought back from Florida.

And I'm sure a lot of you think

it's just old Ray up to his old tricks as usual.

[CHUCKLING] Uh...

Preston, get the curtains. Run the film.

Run it, right.

It's a good buildup, mate.

Ready?

MAN: Here we go.

[MAN SCATTING]

Nine, eight, seven, six... Five, four, three...

Just coming. It's coming. It's gonna take a minute.

It'll take a minute. It's coming.

MAN: Is that it?

Hang on. What--? What's happened to it?

GARY: This is fine. The projector's working fine.

It's the film, I think.

No, that's not right.

MAN: I told you this would be a laugh.

No. That's not what I saw. That's not.

I saw military, American military

bringing a body off the back of a truck.

This body was an alien. It was an alien.

The alien is lying there.

It's just lying there, and then they start cutting it open

and pulling out all its guts.

You can see its guts come out.

You can see President Truman looking in the viewing glass.

Excuse me. Could you tell me where the Rank Film Lab is?

Down there, on your left.

On the left. Thank you.

You don't believe me, do you?

It doesn't matter what I believe.

Yeah, well, it matters to me.

[***]

I really appreciate this, Aunt P.

AUNT P: Jeffrey!

My nephew's got a problem with some film.

Oh.

Walk this way.

JEFFREY: Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

Ah, look at that there...

1940s Kodak safety stock.

You know what the worst thing you can do

to a film like this is?

Keep it in sealed containers in a high-temperature,

high-humidity environment for any length of time.

Well, it's been kept in that can in a garage in Miami.

For 50 years.

There's your problem.

Smell that.

Oh...

Huh? Oh, sort of... vinegary.

Yeah, that's the film eating itself. Oh, yeah.

From the moment that can was opened,

the process will have started.

I mean, we'll do what we can, but don't hold your breath.

The chances of rescuing anything from this film

are virtually nonexistent.

MORGAN: It was gone.

RAY: It was gone.

Meanwhile, I've got Laszlo Voros on the phone.

"Where's my film? Where's my film?

Where is my film?" All the time ringing.

He keeps going on and on at me.

This is a guy who's had a revolver at my head.

He's gonna kill me, Gary. What am I gonna tell him?

The truth. I don't see you've got any other choice.

Oh, really? Really? And how does that go?

"Hey, Laszlo, guess what?

"I've spent $30,000 of your money on a film

that was fine when I saw it, but now it's eating itself."

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[NAN GIGGLING]

[GIGGLING CONTINUES]

MAURICE: Yes.

Oh.

Hello, Raymond.

Don't you "Oh, hello, Raymond" me.

What's going on here?

Nothing. Nothing.

I was just--

Just leaving.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

What happens with my nan in my house is my business,

whether you like it or not.

I th-- I thought it was your nan's house.

That's beside the point. How old are you anyway?

A hundred and two.

Have you got a job or a pension?

I mean, how do you support yourself?

I run my own business.

Really? Doing what exactly?

I make those.

My family's been making 'em for generations.

Harvey Nicks, Harrods, Selfridges.

I don't think there's a shape or size or shop in London

we haven't supplied at some point

in the last 150 years.

It's the most perfect idea.

Last night, the answer suddenly came to me.

Maurice can make us an alien.

Then I can film it.

Film it?

I know what I saw, Gary.

All we gotta do is copy it.

You can't even take a photograph

of your nan sitting on the sofa without cropping her head off.

How are you going to shoot an entire alien autopsy?

Not me.

Melik.

Melik runs a kebab shop.

RAY: During the week.

At weekends he shoots wedding videos.

[STEREO MCS' "STEP IT UP" PLAYING]

Preston can bring us some meat offcuts

to be the internal organs.

And Edgar does up corpses for open-casket funerals.

Yeah. He can do makeup.

And Jasmine's dad, he's in the antiques trade.

She can source the props.

Hold on, hold on.

Where are you gonna shoot this Oscar-winning production?

You said your sister wasn't back from Ibiza till Sunday.

No.

Her flat would be perfect.

No. There is no way this is ever gonna work.

You can count me out of it. Thanks, Gary.

And, hey, I appreciate it.

Come on, Jasmine, we're making a movie.

I'm not taking my top off again.

* Or seein' what I see *

Let me think.

* Curves with destinations *

* Poetic symmetry *

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

* Yeah, cause an inflammation *

* In my anatomy *

* Don't you see? Oh *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah *

* You can send A forget-me-not *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah *

* But I'll still Reach up to the top *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Until the last day That I drop *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah *

* To the left *

* To the right *

* Keep it going Keep it going *

* It's all right *

* To the left *

* And to the right *

* Step it up Step it up *

* It's all right *

* We want flesh *

* We want flesh *

* We want flesh *

* Ah, ah, ah *

Are you all right?

* All you gotta do Is bounce it *

* See just what goes where *

How is it? Tell me? Just shut your eyes.

Can't you just tell me?

Yeah, I do, but I wanna know if it's any good or not.

Any good?

We're working our best.

* Hip to hip And dome to dome... *

Show me. Here we are.

And open them.

I'm a genius.

ALL: What?

I mean, you're a genius, and you're a genius, and you,

and all of you, just you're all genius.

[LAUGHS]

Great. Well, it's just half of it.

Wait till you see the rest.

MAURICE: Now, we've still got a couple of adjustments to make,

but you'll get the basic idea.

Are you ready? Yeah.

All right. Ta-da.

MAN: Whoa.

Oh.

Now, we remolded an old maternity mannequin

we used to make for Mothercare,

added an extra finger to each hand,

like you said,

and extra toes to the feet.

MAN: And see the skull here?

Well, Maurice has done it in, like, a special latex,

which means we can peel the skin back on camera.

Yeah, we got some mince and some pig's blood

balled up in some lady's tights inside.

It'll look just like the exposed brain.

MAURICE: We get the crash wounds in the right place?

RAY: Yeah, yeah, they're perfect.

The whole thing is just exactly like what I saw in the film.

Exactly.

So we're on, then?

For tonight? Yeah.

Good. Oh, cheer up, Gary.

Cheer up? What do you expect?

I've got an alien lying

with its arse in my sister's kitchen sink.

[***]

MELIK: No, no, no, just--

Hang on.

RAY: We ready yet?

No, I wanna try something with the lights.

Melik. Hang on one second.

Is that--? Is that actual blood?

Well, it's pig's blood mixed with food dye.

Got the rest of the guts in the corner

over there by the sofa.

I've got some flat rib. Very nice, very nice.

Some boneless loin, 10 pounds of brains and mince.

Oh, and, uh, 15 packets

of sliced ham.

What's the ham for?

Sandwiches.

Yeah, I'm a--

I'm a hyphenate, yeah.

Special Effects hyphen Location Catering.

Right. First positions, please, everyone.

MAN: All right. Hey, hey, hey, look.

PRESTON: What? What?

Oh, you want me to mop that up, yeah?

Yeah. MELIK: No, no. Don't touch it.

That's well proper. It looks authentic.

[GROANS] Yeah.

Anyway, are you the director? No, me.

Thank you very much.

Okay, extras could you clear the set, please?

Thanks, darling. Good luck, darling.

Need to talk to the actors. Right.

JASMINE: I'll take that for you.

Boys, this is your first look at the alien.

Opening scene.

You two, you're at Roswell, Area 51.

So, what I want is a bit of pointing, yeah?

Bit of nodding, yeah? But you're natural. Exactly.

Just like that. Bit of pointing, bit of nodding. Loads of energy.

Remember that you are professionals.

You're excited professionals. Okay?

Feel it there. Right.

First positions. We'll do a take.

GARY: Ridiculous.

All right, lads. Put your hat on.

Okay. We'll start from here,

then I'll call you in, all right?

Okay. And...

Get off.

Action.

Am I all right?

MELIK: Edgar, take your position.

That's good. No, don't wave.

All right. Moppet.

Try that pointing thing you do. Just point there.

Good. Just like that.

That's wicked.

[NAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

GARY: Hi, Nan. RAY: Hi, Nan.

That's it. That's it. Play with the belly.

GARY: How ridiculous this looks.

RAY: Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?

Stop crying. Get on with it, will you?

Look, look, out of the way. That's it, prod it, probe.

Not like that. Not like that. It's all right.

Let me do it. Like this.

Oh, you're the director now?

Would you two shut up? We're shooting a movie.

RAY: Shut up. You shut up. GARY: No, you shut up.

[YELLS]

Cut. Cut.

You just ruined my shot.

GARY: Nice leg of lamb, this.

RAY: Good traction on that, Preston.

That'd be the mint sauce. Nice one.

Yeah.

Oh, this is good, yeah.

[BOTH CRY OUT]

RAY: What? What? JASMINE: Oh, I don't believe it.

JASMINE: It's all right, babe. RAY: You all right?

MELIK: That's it.

Oh, yes. It's looking good.

Yes, it's good.

NAN: Would you like a biscuit? ALL: Nan.

MELIK: Don't worry. We'll deal with that in the cut.

Just carry on.

Uh, yeah, I will as it happens, yeah.

Is that a Jammie Dodger?

RAY: Get your fingers in there.

Yeah, it's all right.

GARY: Should we go for the heart next, Ray?

Keep it going.

MELIK: What's he doing? What's he think he's doing?

Is he taking the piss?

You can't do that. Stop messing about.

And action.

Now, Ray, come around the other side.

Ready. Sausage on a stick?

Nan, please. Nan.

MELIK: Cut. Cut. Nan.

For crying out loud.

Is someone wrangling Ray's nan?

Maurice has got-- I can't hear you.

Maurice has got her in the kitchen.

MELIK: Keep her there. Is Jasmine spritzed?

No, I'm just getting a refill, sweetheart.

MELIK: Okay, now, let's get down and dirty with the intestines.

Go on, Gary, get in there.

GARY: What on earth is that?

It stinks. It stinks, Ray.

PRESTON: Careful, we're gonna use that in the shop tomorrow

for some sausages and burgers.

RAY: All right. Careful, careful.

MELIK: Right.

Oh, that's good.

RAY: Easy, easy. Careful with these.

Nicely. That is too real.

It's a nice touch.

He's looking at me.

MELIK: Okay, this is good.

Right, let's--

Let's get ready to peel back the skin.

GARY: All right. Got it? Got it, Ray?

RAY: Yeah.

It looks like raspberry jelly.

Yeah, it is raspberry jelly.

MELIK: Give it to Gary.

RAY: There you go. GARY: Cheers.

Make out like there's a real tough bone.

GARY: All right. It's a tough skull.

GARY: Like that?

JASMINE: I can't watch this.

RAY: Go on.

GARY: Yeah.

MELIK: That's good. That's very good.

RAY: Oh, lovely.

MELIK: Now, gently.

Place the brain on the tray.

All right.

Gently.

Ready? Ready, Ray? Ready? Yeah?

Here you go--

MELIK: Mind the brain. Mind the brain!

[GROANING]

GARY: Oh, the carpet.

MELIK: Oh, cut, cut.

GARY: Oh, she's gonna kill us. Cut.

Don't worry, Gaz, put a bit of salt on that.

Are you sure?

JASMINE: What you--? Isn't it salt and wine?

No, it's for red wine, you put--

Oh, well. Salt and white wine.

Never mind, put a potted plant on it, yeah?

Now, I don't know what else is in the skull,

so, Preston, please tell me it's gonna work.

Brain's sorted. No more slippage. Guaranteed.

MELIK: Okay. Good.

Action.

Easy does it. GARY: Here we go.

Easy.

Ray? Ready, Ray? Ready? Ready? Take it.

Whoa, whoa, wait. Cut, cut. What--?

And what the hell is that?

That'd be the stuffed sheep's stomach, yeah.

Dash of garlic, couple of onions,

90 minutes at gas mark four,

you've got a highly nutritious meal for a family of five.

MELIK: That's great, you know?

Our alien travels millions of light-years

across the universe

with nothing but a haggis to guide him?

It's not slipping though, is it?

[DOOR OPENS]

[GASPS]

Doreen.

How was Ibiza?

Now, Doreen, don't fly off the handle.

[GASPS]

It's not what it looks like, okay? I can--

No. I can explain everything.

Oh. Should we call that a day?

[***]

It won't fit. It will, just shove it in.

What are we doing here?

This was your idea.

I don't just mean this.

I mean the shoot. I mean the whole thing.

It's a complete disaster.

It's not a complete disaster.

I mean, bits of it were quite good.

Bits of it?

Would you show that film to Laszlo Voros?

No. No.

I'm a dead man, aren't I?

Not necessarily.

You are the worst liar I have ever met.

Yeah. Well, that's the difference

between you and me, Ray.

That's why you stand a chance with Voros.

"Bet on yourself."

Isn't that what you said?

What?

Bloody head doesn't fit.

[WET THUDDING]

[***]

[DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE]

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Uh, wha--?

Voros ready to see you now.

Follow me.

[DOOR OPENS]

[SOBBING]

Follow me.

Mr. Voros, good evening.

Lovely to see you again.

If you ever speak to me again without being spoken to first,

I will happily sit here flossing my teeth

while Zacchary is breaking every single bone in your body.

Mm. Is that the film?

Mm-hm.

Mm.

Zacchary, darling,

run it.

[TRICKY'S "AFTERMATH" PLAYING]

* For once there's someone *

* For he, for she *

* For once there's someone *

* For he... *

Um, uh...

Did you, uh--?

The-- I mean, what did you... think? Oh, God.

Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Voros.

This is the most beautiful thing

I have ever seen my entire life.

[SOBBING]

We are not alone.

Ray, you proved it once and for all.

Y-you proved it.

[TOM JONES' "IF I ONLY KNEW" PLAYING]

* Ye-ea-ea-eah *

Thank you, Ray.

* Yeah *

* Homegrown, on the bone *

* All the channels show The same old war zone *

* As I walk alone in the city *

* Makin' me an offer Now don't they look pretty-- *

Yes. Hugged you?

Hugged me. Proper hugged me, yeah.

I still can't believe it myself.

You know what this means though? What?

Well, if Voros bought it, maybe other people will as well.

You know what we should do?

Run off a few hundred copies and sell them to the shops

who bought my Elvis videos.

If we got 10.99 a pop,

and shifted, say,

a thousand of them, that'd be--

Eleven grand. Eleven grand.

So I had this idea-- Well, I had the idea.

RAY: But...

It was--

Gary's idea was to invite all of the corner-shop owners

to a screening of the footage,

but to do it somewhere impressive.

To get the credibility up a little bit?

GARY: Yes. Yeah.

See, I thought the grander the place was,

the more excited the buyers might be,

and even start

bidding against each other.

Raise the price. Yeah, yeah.

RAY: And fortunately, there was one very grand place

who happened to have a room free.

The Natural History Museum.

[***]

No way.

Yeah, that's exactly what they said, actually.

Oh. Not there.

No. No.

So we had to find somewhere else.

The Museum of London.

Don't know that place.

No, not many do. It's just...

But it was perfect.

Well, they didn't ask too many questions.

And the key thing was to keep the screening quiet.

So, what you did is invite just a few-- Yeah, yeah.

And apart from that, we would keep it absolutely secret.

There's hundreds of people out there.

The Chief Constable is worried about losing control.

I don't care what he's worried about.

This is my screening, and I'm not letting them in.

Well, I'm not gonna be blamed for causing a riot

in front of the national press.

Whoa. The-- The national press are here?

The Sun, The Mirror, two television crews.

ALL [CHANTING]: Let us in. Let us in.

Not bad for a little press release to the local paper, huh?

You idiot.

There's no way this many people are gonna believe that film.

The national press will see right through it.

Yeah, it's a chance worth taking, though.

You can't buy publicity like this.

I say we do it. No.

Absolutely, categorically--

Yes, 5 pounds a seat, madam. Thank you. Come on in.

Five pounds, thank you.

Thank you, sir. Come on in.

You hear that?

I can't hear anything.

Exactly.

They're not laughing.

[***]

[ALL SHUDDER]

[CROWD CLAMORING]

This just came in from London.

Director know about this? He's waiting for you now, sir.

RAY: And the next day:

"Is it Real?" "Man From Mars," "UFO."

Our little alien full of sausages and mincemeat

was on the front page of every newspaper around the world.

MELIK: Do you speak English?

There's a man on the phone from Argentina.

Just hold the line a sec.

Take a number. I'll call 'em back.

Right.

MELIK: A woman from Italian TV on line one.

He cannot speak to you now, but give me your number

and he will call you back. RAY: I appreciate your interest.

Can I call you back? That's us?

No, I promise. All right. Okay, bye-bye.

That's us on the telly?

It has been like this all day.

Every TV station in the world wants our film, Gary.

RAY: There's hundreds of them. Buenos días.

Bye, pet. GARY: That's insane.

I have absolutely no idea how we've done this.

But since we have,

and it's the only opportunity we'll ever have

to make any money at all, we have to do it right.

That's what we are doing, exactly like you said.

Make them compete against each other,

then sell the film to the highest bidder. No.

Not the one highest bidder.

You sell it to the highest bidder

in every territory around the world.

You're saying...

Oh. sell it over and over--

GARY: And over again. Yes.

Aha. Heh. We really are gonna be rich.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[THE BELOVED'S "SWEET HARMONY" PLAYING]

Sorry, Gary, we're right in the middle of things.

This will only take a moment.

Right.

* Is it right or wrong *

* Try to find a place *

* We can all belong *

* Be as one *

* Try and get on by *

* If we unify *

* We should really try *

Um, AOB. Any other business?

I'm thinking of letting Gary go. MAN: Yes.

Seven days later,

representatives from 114 television stations

from around the world arrived in London,

ready to start negotiations.

So we hired a room at a hotel near Heathrow, so we could--

It was a business suite, let's be honest.

GARY: It was a business suite, with a reception area.

We had free tea and coffee all day.

Photocopying machines. I mean, we looked--

We looked great. We looked the part.

We looked like a really professional outfit.

* Oh, yeah *

* In sweet harmony Let's come together *

* Right now *

GARY: Loads of people turned up.

People from Argentina, Brazil, France, Japan, um...

Where else did they come from? Germany, Argentina.

You said Argentina. Yeah, done Argentina.

Brazil?

You've done Brazil, yeah.

China didn't come, did they, in the end?

Most people from--

Quite a few countries. Yes.

* Let there be no doubt *

* We should sort things out *

* If we can *

* Like we say... *

I appreciate the offer, Mr. Gonzalez.

And we'll give it our utmost consideration

once we've seen the offers

from the other bidders in Argentina.

You're talking to other

television stations from Argentina?

Three of them, yes, seem very keen,

but thanks for this.

Send the, uh, next one in, please, Jasmine.

We don't have any more buyers from Argentina.

[CHUCKLES]

Wait a minute.

* Let's come together *

* Right now *

* Oh, yeah *

* In sweet harmony *

* Let's come together *

* Right now *

GARY: So if you, uh, sign here:

Oui.

Thank you very much, mademoiselle.

All I need now is your check.

Check? He told me to bring cash.

Did he?

Excusez-moi.

GARY: Why did you tell her she had to bring cash?

Have they all been bringing cash?

Look, Ray, I'm taking on the world with you.

UFO nutcases, Hungarian psychos, bring them on.

But there is one thing I will never ever mess with,

and that's the Inland Revenue.

The cash isn't about me fiddling my taxes.

What is it about, then?

You said it yourself, Gary.

This might be the only time in our lives

we get to make money like this, and I just wanna see it.

I wanna feel it, Gary, you know,

I wanna-- I wanna touch it and smell it.

I know it sounds stupid, but there it is.

RAY: Seven hundred and--

And forty-six thousand, nine hundred and ninety.

Seven hundred and forty-seven thousand dollars.

* Right now *

* Oh, yeah *

* In sweet harmony *

[CROWD CHEERING]

* Right now *

GARY: Yes!

* In sweet harmony *

* Let's come together *

* Right now... *

GARY: Beautiful. We'd fooled the world.

We'd got away with it,

and we were sitting on a pretty good sum of money.

Nice. RAY: In cash.

GARY: Yeah. Even nicer.

I mean, it was all perfect,

and then things took a bit of a turn for the worse.

[***]

GARY: Yeah, well, you see, uh,

I could have sworn I was being followed.

[PANTING]

MORGAN: Are you saying there was covert surveillance

of Gary Shoefield and Ray Santilli

by the U.S. military?

Your words, not mine.

Well, uh, was there a CIA file on them, then?

Oh, most certainly.

And generally speaking, when there's a file,

there's surveillance.

Generally speaking.

So the U.S. military thought the film was real.

There's a little more to it than that.

I don't know who he is, but I keep seeing him.

It's starting to freak me out.

Do you know what it probably is?

Probably one of your weird ex-girlfriends.

I don't have any weirdo ex-girlfriends.

Oh, come on.

What about that one from Basildon?

Big girl, facial hair, ankles like lampposts.

[SCOFFS]

Janet. Janet.

That's the one.

She hung around for weeks, didn't she?

GARY: It's not Janet.

Well, whoever it is, put it out of your mind,

at least for now.

Look, think about it.

In two days time, our film goes out

in 98 countries around the world.

We're gonna be famous.

You still don't get it, do you?

Everyone on the planet is gonna know we're liars.

Yeah.

Rich liars though.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

There was no deal allowing you to exploit the film

and simply pay me a cut of the profits.

But there was.

I mean, we talked about it. That was the understanding.

Not my understanding.

Unless you have, uh, some signed paperwork that says otherwise.

Ray.

Now that we've cleared that up,

let me spell things out for you.

I now control all the deals.

We split any cash 80-to-20 to me.

I want to review any agreement you've already made

and I alone will decide whether to approve them or not.

But it's going out tomorrow night.

That would be a very grave mistake on your part.

[BARKING] Right.

So, what'd you do?

Only thing we could. We tried to pull the broadcast.

RAY: Which is when it happened.

[***]

What?

RAY: Voros was in the middle of a crop circle,

looking up to the heavens,

hoping for some sort of close encounter, probably.

It just came out of nowhere.

Alien spacecraft? GARY: No.

A green Land Rover knocked him over. Killed him.

Dead.

He was naked.

MORGAN: Are you saying that

the U.S. military intelligence

had Laszlo Voros killed?

Think about it.

If there really was a genuine alien autopsy film,

then when Ray Santilli popped up,

U.S. military would've been shitting their pants,

pardon my French.

Because all of a sudden, there's an extra print of a film

that they'd kept hidden for 50 years.

A print they didn't even know existed.

Now, all of a sudden, the biggest secret in history

is about to get blown wide open.

Then they see Santilli's film.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Once they realize the film's a fraud,

that Ray's a fraud,

then he and the film become the best smokescreen

they could ever ask for.

All the time that people are looking at Ray Santilli

and his stupid film,

they're not looking at them and the real film.

In the end they know that Ray's gonna be found out as a faker,

which will just bury the truth even deeper,

for even longer.

Or, of course, it could just have been an accident.

[***]

[SCREAMS]

Do you ever wonder

if there's someone up there looking out for us?

Someone or something.

RAY: Widescreen...

[RAY AND JASMINE TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

JASMINE: I can't believe it. This is so exciting.

Could you budge up, Skeletor?

Here's Maurice.

How are you, Maurice? Hey, hey, lover boy.

RAY: Have a seat.

NAN: Raymond, did you remember to set the video to record The X-Files?

RAY: All sorted. I can't believe they put it on at the same time.

A disgrace. I think it's a compliment.

I still can't believe that our little film is about to be shown

in every continent on the planet.

MELIK: I know. JASMINE: Can you believe it?

It's starting.

TV ANNOUNCER: --make a judgment based on all information.

If what you are about to see is real,

it's the most startling film footage in history.

Although we remain skeptical, some experts believe

this is authentic footage of an alien life form.

Real or not, we must warn you,

this appears to be an actual autopsy.

And some of the footage you will see in the next hour

is very gruesome.

[MAN ON TV SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

[MAN ON TV SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[WOMAN ON TV SPEAKING IN SWEDISH]

[MAN ON TV SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

FRAKES: Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction?

[***]

Here in the desert outside Roswell

is where the alleged crash happened some 50 years ago.

Was it a flying saucer?

Were there alien bodies onboard?

People still come and look for some kind of clue.

But the evidence of the alien crash didn't come from here.

It was revealed halfway around the world.

What Santilli saw and eventually purchased

were reels of black and white film

showing an autopsy being performed

on a strange humanoid being.

The cameraman,

who claims to have had top military clearance,

told Santilli that in 1947

he was flown urgently to Roswell,

where he filmed the recovery of several of these beings,

both alive and dead, as well as the autopsy of one.

This could be the world's first look

at an actual being from another planet.

The strange body appears intact

except for an ugly wound on the right thigh.

Two mysterious doctors,

wearing contamination suits, study its bizarre features.

What the fuck is that?

MAN [ON TV]: They are either pathologists or they're surgeons

who have done a fair number of autopsies.

This, supposedly, was filmed in 1947,

and while things haven't changed,

we see some things that wouldn't have been expected

such as the use of a handsaw in removing the skullcap.

FRAKES: A third person, wearing a mask,

watches from behind the glass partition.

Is this indeed a top-secret military autopsy

performed on an alien in 1947?

MAN: This is a structure that must be the brain,

if it is a human being.

It looks like no brain that I have ever seen,

whether it's a brain filled with tumor,

a brain that has been radiated,

a brain that has been traumatized and is hemorrhagic.

What--? What is this? I would prefer to say,

for the time being, that it is humanoid.

But I cannot say that it is a member of the human race

as you and I know the human race.

What if?

What if?

What if the alien is real? Let's consider.

He was an explorer, perhaps a scientist,

crashed and died on a distant blue planet

light-years from his home.

A frightened race of beings found his lifeless body,

performed experiments, and hid the results.

Why did he come to our planet?

What went wrong?

Obviously, his own mission failed,

but in his death

he may have delivered

the most important message mankind has ever received.

We are not alone.

They believe it!

[ALL CHEERING, LAUGHING]

This calls for a celebration. Where have you been?

What's happened? They believe it.

They don't. They only believe it.

Right, you ready for this?

[ALL CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

Nan?

[THE WONDER STUFF'S "DIZZY" PLAYING]

Have you seen these overnights?

Shit.

* Dizzy *

* I'm so dizzy *

* My head is spinning *

* Like a whirlpool It never ends *

* And it's you, girl Making it spin *

Have you seen these overnights?

WOMAN [ON TV]: --have surrounded a television station

that was about to broadcast the footage

and confiscated the film.

Time Magazine has described the film,

which has sent shock waves across the world,

and gained the biggest audience since Live Aid,

as the most important home movie since the Zapruder film.

Have you seen these overnights?

That's not possible.

I know.

Clear the schedules.

We're running it again.

MAN 1: When?

Tonight.

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

Oh, my God.

REPORTER: Oh, Gary, Gary.

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

* You're making me dizzy *

Bloody hell.

Can you believe that? [BANGING ON DOOR]

Hundreds of them.

Forget about them. [DOORBELL RINGING]

Do you have any idea what happened to me last night?

Don't tell me someone actually shagged you?

Ha-ha. No.

I had to barricade myself in my flat.

Five nut cases got up on the roof.

A load more tried to break in the front door,

the phone hasn't stopped ringing for 12 hours.

Everyone wants to see the original film.

That's fantastic. WOMAN: Where are you?

No, it isn't fantastic,

because we don't have any film to show them.

The only film we ever did have, was shot on modern film stock

and that is still in Laszlo Voros' safe.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Maybe we can make another one.

You don't get this, do you?

This film means so much to so many people, Ray.

Scary people,

clinically disturbed people.

Can you imagine what'll happen

if they ever find out it's a fake?

Well, you know, strictly speaking,

it's not actually a fake.

It's more of a remake.

You gotta remember that,

and you gotta relax a bit more, Gary.

You're too uptight. Nobody's gonna find out anything.

What are you doing anyway?

RAY: Packing.

GARY: For what?

My trip to Argentina.

What?

Yeah, I've been getting phone calls from chat shows

in Buenos Aires, in Lima, Rio, yeah.

They want me to go over, all expenses paid.

But you can't start going on chat shows.

Why not?

Has nothing I've said made any sense to you whatsoever?

They'll ask you questions which you won't be able to answer.

I can answer anything. Yes,

but the lies have to be consistent, Ray.

They have to make sense. They can't keep changing.

They won't.

Oh, and how do you know they won't?

Because I'm taking you with me.

* Here we go again *

* Here we go, go, go *

* To the temple Of consumption *

Yes, yes. Bienvenido.

Fifty-seven C, sir.

All the way to the back. Okay.

Yes, all the way to the back. Thank you.

Hi. Hello. Bienvenido.

Mr. Santilli? Mm-hm?

You've been upgraded to first class today. Your seat is 3A.

All the way to the front. Thank you.

[MOUTHS] What? Upgrade.

All the way to the front.

Yeah.

Yeah, all the way to the front. Thank you.

Hello. Thank you. Yes.

That way. Thank you.

Hi.

* Here we go again *

* Here we go, go, go *

* To the temple Of consumption *

* Get your gear And start to spend *

* Here we go, go, go *

* With total dedication *

* Here we go again *

* Here we go, go, go *

* To the temple Of consumption *

* Get your gear And start to spend *

* Here we go, here we go *

* Here we go *

* The moon and the stars They all look down on me *

Would it be okay for me to sit here?

The guy next to me is a snorer.

No. Help yourself.

Okay. Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT]

You should, uh... Hm?

...get yourself a drink.

It's free.

[MOUTHS] Free.

Oh. Come on.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

HOST [IN ENGLISH]: Mr. Santilli, welcome back.

Now, the cameraman on this trip you made to the States...

He was a dangerous and highly volatile individual,

who, quite frankly, scared the living daylights

out of most people he ever met.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[AMERICAN ACCENT] Put the cocktail down, son,

or you'll be picking up your teeth with a broken arm.

HOST: The cameraman said this?

RAY: Right. To this waiter, and I'm like:

"Hey, now, manolito, let's--

"Let's just cool our jets here, compadre.

Otherwise, you and me are taking this downtown."

[SIGHS]

Why can't you grasp this? There's reporters everywhere.

They'll be checking every word you say. Relax.

They're all enjoying it just as much as me.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh. Right here at the front, Señor Santilli.

You've been upgraded. Oh, thank you.

I'm here. Champagne?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Keep going. Can I get you something else?

To the back, next to the toilets.

[BABY CRYING]

Señor Santilli. Oh, thank you.

Ow!

[NOUVELLE VAGUE'S "JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH" PLAYING]

* Just like a rainbow *

* You know you set me free *

* I just can't get enough *

* I just can't get enough *

Well, hello, you.

Oh, no way. No way.

How are you?

I'm great. How are you?

Are you following me around?

You got me.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, wait. Okay.

Ooh... [LAUGHS]

Oh. Here we go.

Oh, thank you very much.

Cheers. Cheers.

Hey...

WOMAN [NEXT DOOR]: Oh, Ray! Oh, Ray!

Ray. Ray! [RAY MOANING]

WOMAN: Oh, yes. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, yes.

Yes. Please. No.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Pack it in, Santilli. WOMAN: Oh, yes!

Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

Right. I swear to God,

if you don't pack it in, I'm gonna kill you.

WOMAN: Shh, shh! [RAY LAUGHING]

WOMAN: Be quiet. RAY: You be quiet.

At last.

[BOTH WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

RAY: Amber.

Pretty girl, actually, she was...

Yeah. Yeah.

How did that feel?

Having the attention?

You're a celebrity at this point, right?

GARY: I didn't like it.

I thought you enjoyed it too much.

Yeah. I mean, I did--

It comes with the territory, doesn't it?

You know-- You didn't have to do that.

I think that just drew attention to us.

No, I think you do have to do it.

Kind of hard to resist, isn't it?

The whole fame thing, I'll be honest,

I could take it or leave it.

GARY: Probably did too many.

Wouldn't you say? You probably done a few too many chat shows.

Yeah?

[APPLAUSE]

Okay, okay. So we're back.

And you were telling me you hooked up at the Plaza Hotel.

That's right, yeah. Me and Donald Trump, like that.

That's me on top.

[LAUGHS]

HOST: Well, okay.

I just have one final question.

Um, why have you never produced the original film

so it can be verified?

Excuse me? The original footage?

Ha! Exactly.

Answer that, you brainless bloody spanner.

MAN: Where's the original, pal?

HOST: It's a simple enough question, Mr. Santilli.

[THUMP NEXT DOOR] RAY: Yeah. Yeah.

HOST: Ray, you're quite a joke.

[MUTES TV]

What are you doing? Aah!

That's Ray's stuff.

Oh, hey.

I was looking for a cigarette. Ahem.

Are you a journalist?

GARY: What did I tell you?

What did I say?

"Don't do it, Ray."

I said, "Don't go on chat shows, they'll have reporters every--"

Do you have any idea how exhausting it is

always being right and never being listened to?

You know, when you get angry like this,

you got a vein pops up-- Shut up.

GARY: Thanks to Casanova here,

some of the TV stations that broadcast the footage

could sue us for breach of contract.

If they do, the rest will follow,

and we'll end up broke and in prison.

What are you talking about, prison?

Hey, hey. No, no.

It's all right. It's all right.

Preston?

Anyone want the last pink wafer?

So, what do we do?

Well, the only chance we've got

is for everyone to stay absolutely silent.

From now on, no one says anything to anyone, okay?

If we can all do that,

then there's just a chance this story'll blow itself out

and we could quietly get on with the rest of our lives.

EDGAR: Quietly's good.

I like quietly.

He's a weirdo. I know.

I told you there was something weird.

Hey, you know what else we could all do quietly, don't you?

Oh, that is just what we need. Another biscuit.

We could all really quietly spend some of this lovely money.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, my God.

GARY: No, no, no.

What? Why not?

Because it's like we've robbed a bank.

And the one thing any robber with even half a brain knows--

Is never spend the money too soon. He's right.

Exactly. It just draws attention to yourself.

Look, if we wanna get away with this,

we're just gonna have to wait till everything dies down.

No more talk about the money till I say so.

Uh, when did your say so become so much more important

than, say, my say so?

[CHUCKLES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[VIDEO GAME PLAYING]

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Who is it?

AMBER: Hello.

Wait a minute.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hi.

Hey. Hi there.

Thank you. Hi, I'm Amber Fuentes from Channel Five News,

and, um, we are looking for a Harvey Jarrold

and we feel that he may live somewhere around here.

Uh, oh, Harvey. Yeah.

I'll see if he's available. Okay?

Well, maybe we could wait inside.

Oh, come on.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, you stupid idiots.

[***]

Slimy bastards.

[***]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Gary.

Gary?

Gary?

Gary?

There you are. Gary, you've got to help me.

I'm not talking to you, Ray. I'm not even looking at you.

Where have you been?

Doing my laundry.

We're in real trouble here, Gary. Shoes.

Sorry, sorry.

[VACUUM HUMMING]

Are you listening now? What?

The press have found Harvey.

[GROANS]

Now I'm in the middle of God knows where,

hiding out like a cheap goddamn crook.

All because of that pile of horseshit

you're peddling as my film.

Now you get rid of that bitch within 48 hours.

And if any other reporters show up,

I'm gonna blow the fucking whistle on all of your asses.

Bastards.

MORGAN: You were busted. GARY: Yeah.

So, effectively, the game was up.

There was only one thing I could do.

Kill yourself.

Well, no. No, no.

No.

He's offering us what?

An exclusive interview.

With the cameraman who shot the--

Actual footage.

Clear the schedules.

MORGAN: But how were you going to get an interview

from a guy who didn't wanna be interviewed?

[***]

GARY: What about him?

RAY: No, not old enough.

Hey, look. That guy.

No, not right.

What about him?

Excuse me? How'd you like to make $500

and have a night in a clean hotel room?

What do I have to do?

Oh. Uh, just learn these lines

and say them in front of a camera.

HOMELESS MAN: "During the Second World War I was a combat photo--

"Photographer for the United States Air Force.

A few-- A few months after getting--"

Whoa, whoa. Sorry, I'm trying to do this.

Too much, I know.

"--flown to an air base I had never heard of.

An air base that turned out to be Roswell."

Oh, no.

I was a combat photographer for the United States Air Force.

A few months after my return home from Europe,

I was rudely awakened in the early hours of the morning

and I was flown through the night

to an air base that, uh, I had never heard of.

An air base that turned out to be in-- Ha.

--Roswell, New Mexico.

Shit.

And there in Roswell,

I was ordered to film an autopsy being performed

on a wretched alien creature

apparently extracted from a crashed UFO.

Who the fuck is that?

I'll, uh-- I'll never forget it.

The stench was unbearable.

Although, I suppose,

we didn't smell that wonderful to them.

Others of his like were in the back and...

This guy's good.

This guy's better than Harvey.

[CHUCKLES]

It turns out

he used to be an actor.

An actor. RAY: Yeah.

Perfect.

He made movies with Lionel Barrymore in 1935,

then after that, he started drinking.

When we met him, he hadn't had an acting gig

in about 40 years.

You're lucky. Very, very lucky.

You're very, very lucky.

And there we were, sitting upstairs in my nan's house,

with 747,000 U.S. dollars in a pile like that.

Bigger, even. Yeah, it was probably like that.

Mm. On my bed.

And one-seventh of it is yours.

Ninety-seven thousand dollars.

There you are, Gary.

Merry Christmas. Ha-ha-ha!

Thanks.

A seventh of 747,000

is about 106,700, Ray.

Is it?

I know. I know.

Look, I had it all ready for you. Here.

Get out. Get out.

No, I did. I did. Yeah, right.

Oh, and you expect me to believe that? You picked it up.

[***]

You know what?

I have just one more question.

What was it that you actually saw on the film in Miami?

I mean, there's no way that it was an alien.

So, what was it that gave you the idea that started all this?

I told you no one ever believes me.

Leave it. Leave it to me. You see, Morgan,

there's one tiny bit of the story

we haven't told you about yet.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SIGHS]

It's the guy from the film lab. Yeah.

And according to him,

he'd managed to recover some of the image.

Right.

[***]

[GRUNTS]

HARVEY [VOICE ECHOING]: I was-- I was a combat photographer

for the United States Air Corps.

One night in 1947,

I was pulled out of bed

and flown for five hours

to an air base that I'd never heard of

where I was ordered to film this...

Film this...

Film this...

One night in 1947...

One night in 1947...

--to an air base that I'd never heard of...

[***]

Told you.

You know something?

I don't think I can go through this again.

Me neither.

[THE MONKEES' "I'M A BELIEVER" PLAYING]

* I thought love was Only true in fairy tales *

* Meant for someone else But not for me *

* Oh, love was Out to get to me *

* That's the way it seemed *

* Disappointment haunted All my dreams *

* Then I saw her face *

* Now I'm a believer *

RAY: That was 10 years ago.

MORGAN: And this has never been exposed?

This has never come up? The world doesn't know this?

RAY: No. Until now. GARY: Until now.

MORGAN: So the film

is still there, right?

Yeah. Mm-hm.

Well, let's go get it.

Michael?

Getting it is exactly what we're gonna do, Morgan,

just as soon as you sign this brief deal memo.

* What's the use in tryin'? *

* All you get is pain *

* When I needed sunshine *

* I got rain *

* Oh, then I saw her face *

* Now I'm a believer * [BARKING]

* Not a trace Of doubt in my mind *

[LAUGHING]

* I'm in love *

I thought you birds was good at multitasking.

I am good at multitasking.

I manage to walk and talk and live with you.

* Oh *

Sorry, uh, it's just instinct.

Looks good though. First civilian reaction.

* Love was out to get me *

* Now that's The way it seemed *

I'll, uh-- I'll never forget it.

Fucking guy doesn't even look like me.

* Oh, then I saw her face *

One can't help but wonder what there is out there.

* Not a trace Of doubt in my mind *

* I'm in love Mmm *

* Oh, I'm a believer *

Maybe we both should have a cigarette.

Eh?

* Yes, I saw her face *

Would you like a biscuit? No, I'm not hungry.

* Not a trace Of doubt in my mind *

* Said I'm a believer Yeah, yeah, yeah *

Well, as it rolled out around the world,

one of the things that kind of came back to haunt us,

but was quite entertaining, was that the cameraman

who sold it to Ray originally... Oh, yeah.

...he very much had a view that Ray was a foreigner,

and that selling it to him,

that's the last he'd ever hear of it.

[SON OF DORK'S "WE'RE NOT ALONE" PLAYING]

* Standing in crop circles Naked *

* Gazing at the stars *

* 'Cause there's A possibility *

* There could be life on Mars *

* I hope they Bring back Elvis *

* 'Cause how crazy Would that be? *

* I know he's up there Somewhere *

* Playing Halo with E.T. *

* The truth The Pentagon ignored *

* And Roswell kept behind Closed doors *

* The lies that You've been reassured *

* It just can't be denied If you open your mind *

* If the universe is a place That we call home *

* We're not alone *

* Why should we believe That we're here on our own? *

* We're not alone *

* Is there anyone here with A doubt in their mind? *

* Is there anyone too blind To open their eyes? *

* Realize we're not alone *

* We're not alone *

* We've all been abducted *

* We get taken every day *

* They zap us With their red light *

* And our memory goes away *

* The proof is in The backyard *

* It's all Buried in the ground *

* So beam me up like Scotty *

* Let me take a look around *

* The truth The Pentagon ignored *

* And Roswell kept behind Closed doors *

* The lies that You've been reassured *

* It just can't be denied If you open your mind *

* If the universe is a place That we call home *

* We're not alone *

* Why should we believe That we're here on our own? *

* We're not alone *

* Go *

* If the universe is a place That we call home *

* We're not alone *

* Is there anyone here with A doubt in their mind? *

* Is there anyone too blind To open their eyes? *

* Realize we're not alone *

* We're not alone *

* If the universe is a place That we call home *

* We're not alone *

* Why should we believe That we're here on our own? *

* We're not alone *

* We're not We're not *

* We're not alone *

* We're not We're not *

* We're not alone *

[***]

Ray, bless his heart, would sell anything

that he felt would turn a profit.

That's not entirely true. Including-- Not--

That's not entirely true.

That is true. Most unfair.

[***]