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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,607 --> 00:00:09,209 [school bell rings] 2 00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:12,212 - I'm sure you're all wondering 3 00:00:12,245 --> 00:00:14,314 why I'm not up for "Most Likely to Succeed." 4 00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:17,684 As editor of this paper, I had to recuse myself. 5 00:00:17,717 --> 00:00:19,285 - I got nominated for "Whitest." 6 00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:21,588 Is that bad? It's not, right? 7 00:00:21,621 --> 00:00:23,456 - How could it be bad, you know? 8 00:00:23,490 --> 00:00:26,126 I mean, look at how cool the sword you're drawing is. 9 00:00:26,159 --> 00:00:28,428 - It's not just any sword. It's Excalibur, 10 00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:30,397 the most famous sword of all time. 11 00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:39,372 [apple rolling] 12 00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:45,679 - [groans] Ohh... 13 00:00:48,648 --> 00:00:52,352 - Should we be starting to shut up now, Boss? 14 00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:53,496 [Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"] 15 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,255 - One, two, three, four! 16 00:00:55,288 --> 00:00:57,590 - ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪ 17 00:00:57,624 --> 00:01:00,460 ♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪ 18 00:01:00,493 --> 00:01:07,400 ♪ 19 00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:10,670 [light music] 20 00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:16,376 ♪ 21 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:18,511 - I'm up for "Most Original," 22 00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:21,581 the category formerly known as "Biggest Freak." 23 00:01:21,614 --> 00:01:23,350 - Eduardo and I have been nominated 24 00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:25,251 for "Best Friends" again 25 00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:28,288 but we don't need a trophy to confirm our bond. 26 00:01:28,321 --> 00:01:29,699 - Yeah, that's 'cause you know you're gonna lose 27 00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:32,258 to Ashley Dorfman and Amanda Jackson. 28 00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:35,462 - Ashlanda! Ugh, love them. 29 00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:37,664 - I didn't get nominated for anything. 30 00:01:37,697 --> 00:01:39,532 - Me neither. 31 00:01:39,566 --> 00:01:42,235 But Craig Donovan made the list for "Best Singer." 32 00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:44,204 Sure, if you like a tenor who pushes! 33 00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:47,640 - These, uh, superlatives will never matter. 34 00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,609 Nothing matters. 35 00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:52,545 We're all just rapidly decaying meat bags 36 00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:54,247 we patch together with duct tape 37 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,615 till the bottom falls out. 38 00:01:55,648 --> 00:01:59,319 - Is your meat bag okay, Mr. G? 39 00:01:59,352 --> 00:02:01,588 - Well, we'll find out after my colonoscopy. 40 00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:03,799 I don't know if I have, like, a family history of anything 41 00:02:03,823 --> 00:02:05,325 'cause I don't speak to my dad. 42 00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:06,693 So to be safe, 43 00:02:06,726 --> 00:02:09,763 I gotta drink this muck for 24 hours 44 00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:12,399 then get my butt probed. 45 00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:14,710 - I'm surprised that you're opening up to us, Mr. Griffin. 46 00:02:14,734 --> 00:02:16,569 - Yeah, well, you guys don't count, you know. 47 00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:18,405 I'm hiding it from adults, 48 00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:19,839 people who don't play Pogs all day 49 00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:22,442 while wondering who shot Mr. Burns. 50 00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,644 - It's clear from your tone that we've been savaged. 51 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,681 But I wonder if you could do it again with updated references. 52 00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:29,249 - I cannot. 53 00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:30,450 And now... 54 00:02:30,483 --> 00:02:31,651 [thud] 55 00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:32,686 I must leave you. 56 00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:35,855 [phones buzzing, chiming] 57 00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:37,624 - Buckle up, people. 58 00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,626 Amanda and Ashley have had a fight! 59 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,394 They're off the ballot. 60 00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:43,396 - This could be our year! 61 00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:46,399 We could go down in Whitlock history. 62 00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:48,268 Secret handshake time? 63 00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:49,869 - Gimme that knuckle candy. 64 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,738 [both whispering] One, two, three. 65 00:02:51,771 --> 00:02:53,406 [laughs] 66 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:56,509 - Hmm? - I like his new boyfriend. 67 00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:59,546 - Hey, uh, Mary. - Hey. 68 00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:01,648 - Do you remember a few months back 69 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,550 when, uh, we made your grandma believe 70 00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:05,719 that I was a firefighter named Cash 71 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,563 and we were getting married in a Catholic ceremony? 72 00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:09,622 - [chuckling] Yeah. - Yeah, well, um, 73 00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:11,658 you kinda owe me. I need a ride. 74 00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:13,593 - Yeah, sure. - Okay. 75 00:03:13,626 --> 00:03:16,296 - Where do you need to go? - Well, I don't wanna say. 76 00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:18,631 - Oh, hey, psst, I know I'm not in this conversation, 77 00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:21,368 but why can't you drive yourself? 78 00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:22,802 - I'm omitting that as well. 79 00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:24,504 - Oh. - I'm obviously gonna know 80 00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:25,905 once we get to the destination. 81 00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:27,807 Unless it's a nondescript building. 82 00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:29,743 - It's a nondescript building. 83 00:03:29,776 --> 00:03:31,511 - You know, the more closed off you are, 84 00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:33,813 the more I just wanna take my nails and just... 85 00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:35,782 [pops lips] pry you open. 86 00:03:35,815 --> 00:03:38,618 You're like that one closed pistachio. 87 00:03:38,651 --> 00:03:41,321 - You know what happens to the open pistachios? 88 00:03:41,354 --> 00:03:43,356 They get eaten. 89 00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:44,500 - Well, see, that's the point. 90 00:03:44,524 --> 00:03:46,526 - Let us eat you, little pistachio. 91 00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:48,795 - We will gain your powers! 92 00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:57,337 - Who do you think you are, Ellen's DJ? 93 00:03:57,370 --> 00:03:58,371 [sighs] 94 00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:05,311 ♪ 95 00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:26,399 ♪ 96 00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:31,671 - Ralph, you look pretty! 97 00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,673 Ooh, ya smell nice too. 98 00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,384 - Oh, well, you look pretty spiffy yourself. 99 00:04:35,408 --> 00:04:36,509 Is that a new shirt? 100 00:04:36,543 --> 00:04:38,812 - Oh, gosh, no, this is my grandfather's favorite shirt. 101 00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:40,647 He was buried in it. 102 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,425 But then they reopened the murder case, so... 103 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,983 - Ooh! There you are! 104 00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:46,486 Hi, Helen, hi, Ralph! 105 00:04:46,519 --> 00:04:49,723 I like it, so I'm gonna put a class ring on it. 106 00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:51,691 [laughter] 107 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,994 - I better squeeze you! - Oh, you better! 108 00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:57,530 How are you? [gasps] Look at your hair! 109 00:04:57,564 --> 00:04:58,965 - Hey, Marjorie, Marjorie, 110 00:04:58,998 --> 00:05:00,600 so weird you dropped by 111 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:03,636 just as I... was gettin' my twirl on! 112 00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:05,605 - Ralph, are those devil sticks? 113 00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:06,878 - Yep. I got 'em in the divorce. 114 00:05:06,906 --> 00:05:08,608 I am as single as a $1 bill. 115 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:09,943 - Mm! - Mm-hmm. 116 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,746 - What is that wonderful scent that I'm smelling? 117 00:05:12,779 --> 00:05:14,547 - Dark Temptation XL Body Spray. 118 00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:16,750 - Ha ha! I knew it was you. 119 00:05:16,783 --> 00:05:18,752 I'm gonna get that for my mailman next Christmas. 120 00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:20,420 That is so yummy on you. - Yeah, yeah. 121 00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:22,022 - Look at this. - Ooh! 122 00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,523 - Lookit. Lookit. - Oh, I can tell. 123 00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:24,967 That looks like something very special. 124 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:26,431 - It's so special. - Uh... [stammers] 125 00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:28,037 - What you are looking at is a lock of hair 126 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:29,896 of the legendary 127 00:05:29,929 --> 00:05:31,798 Weird Al Yankovic. - Ooh. 128 00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:33,800 - Marjorie, l-look, this is a new trick. 129 00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:35,935 I call this The Body Scan... Watch this. 130 00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:38,905 Whoa! And then... yaaaah... 131 00:05:38,938 --> 00:05:41,041 Opa! - Ooh! Ah, that was great! 132 00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:42,942 - Been workin' on it. - I was in line 133 00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,511 at JoAnn Fabrics, 134 00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:47,681 and who walks up but the Bard himself? 135 00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:49,516 So I cut a little bit of his mane 136 00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:50,917 when he wasn't paying attention. 137 00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:52,819 - Oh, wow! 138 00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:54,654 This has truly made my day. 139 00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,623 - Oh, thank you. Your hands have made my day. 140 00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:58,525 They're soft. They're real soft. 141 00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:00,060 - Okay! Well, I gotta go 142 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,028 and peddle my wares. [laughs] 143 00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:04,064 - Ah, it's so good. 144 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:06,599 - I didn't want that to end. 145 00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:09,569 [tense music] 146 00:06:09,602 --> 00:06:14,674 ♪ 147 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,677 [Muzak playing] 148 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:24,651 ♪ 149 00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:28,455 - Here you go. 150 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,626 - Don't return forms until they're fully complete. 151 00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:35,962 - I-I prefer to discuss some of these privately 152 00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:37,640 with the doctor. - [weird voice] Excuse me, 153 00:06:37,664 --> 00:06:39,065 is this where you donate the urine? 154 00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:41,001 I'm a universal donor! - What are you... doing? 155 00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,836 - [laughing] - What are you doing? 156 00:06:42,869 --> 00:06:44,847 - You should have told me it was a doctor's appointment. 157 00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:47,707 I've got a great butt guy. Well, he's not a doctor, 158 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,743 but he knows what he's doin' back there. 159 00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:52,579 - Sir, your forms! 160 00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:54,114 First blank question. 161 00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:56,116 When was your last evacuation? 162 00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,817 - Oh, this... - Yeah, when was that thing? 163 00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:58,918 - Come on, don't... 164 00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:00,653 - I think we'd all like to know. 165 00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:02,722 - This morning, on the drive over. 166 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,524 - What... at the gas station? - Yep. 167 00:07:04,557 --> 00:07:05,725 - You said you were 168 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,560 buying gum, you little liar! - I did buy gum! 169 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:08,862 - [loud laughing] - Ma'am! 170 00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:10,830 Be quiet! 171 00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:12,866 Everything in this waiting room 172 00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:16,670 must be orderly. 173 00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:18,571 Select a crayon. 174 00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:22,909 Draw your stool so that I can get on with my day. 175 00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:25,578 - Draw it? 176 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:28,748 Oh, my God. 177 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,550 Hey. 178 00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:34,854 Hey, Mary, I'm actually pretty glad that you're here. 179 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:37,657 Thanks for keeping this a secret, so... 180 00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:39,859 Seacrest. 181 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,761 Ryan Seacrest. 182 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,097 - I would never tell Seacrest. 183 00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,700 - I mean, I think he's got enough on his plate. 184 00:07:46,733 --> 00:07:48,902 [laughs] You didn't tell Lynette, did you? 185 00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:50,970 'Cause... I just want... 186 00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:53,173 I just want my butt to be romantic. 187 00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:56,176 - No, for the 15th time, I did not tell Lynette. 188 00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:58,144 - Okay, good. 189 00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:01,581 So you're the only one that knows that... good. 190 00:08:01,614 --> 00:08:03,049 [dramatic music] 191 00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,018 - Knows what? About your butt surgery? 192 00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:06,786 - Why is he face-up? 193 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,188 - Hey, no, no. 194 00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:13,093 No one else knowing... my Seacrests... 195 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,799 [light music] 196 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,701 - Can I ask you guys a serious question? 197 00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,903 - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. 198 00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:25,114 - Is this where the baby comes out? 199 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,639 [laughter] 200 00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:27,841 - Errrr... pffft! 201 00:08:27,874 --> 00:08:29,876 [laughter] - You ladies 202 00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:31,678 are being very loud. 203 00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:32,912 - Ooh. - Sorry. 204 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:35,048 - Only the patient's ride needs to be in here. 205 00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:36,225 - No, actually, we are the ride, 206 00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:37,717 all three of us. - Mm-hmm. 207 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:39,719 - Well, maybe you'd be more comfortable 208 00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,788 waiting someplace more appropriate 209 00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:44,157 like a McDonald's Play Place. 210 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:47,127 - Ooh, I know she did not just tell this Burger Queen 211 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,795 to go to McDonald's. 212 00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:50,030 - Mm-mm. - Mm-mm. 213 00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:52,232 - You said something about a lollipop. 214 00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:54,868 - Oh, there's our big guy! - Aw. 215 00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:56,269 - Oh, are you okay? 216 00:08:56,302 --> 00:08:58,738 - No. - You're with Mr. Griffin? 217 00:08:58,772 --> 00:08:59,706 - Yeah. - I have some images 218 00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:00,974 from today's exam. 219 00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:02,809 - W-what... w... 220 00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:05,879 - So what you're looking at is the ascending colon. 221 00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:09,115 You're gonna see some swelling, especially in that photo. 222 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,893 Pass that down and make sure everyone sees it. 223 00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:12,952 - Everyone doesn't need to see it, that's... 224 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,754 - Wait, but doctor, why does this one 225 00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,032 have a question mark drawn on it? 226 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,024 - That spot is where I found a small polyp. 227 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,760 - Wait, a polyp? - Most polyps are harmless. 228 00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:22,938 We'll run some tests and call you with the results tomorrow. 229 00:09:22,962 --> 00:09:26,900 - W-w-w-w... For sure there's a polyp? 230 00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:28,711 - Here, y'all wanna see? - What are you doing? 231 00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,313 Don't pass it to her! Gimme, gimme, gimme! 232 00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:33,773 Passing... ugh. And why are you taking it? 233 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,008 That's crazy. 234 00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:39,045 ♪ 235 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,847 - Ah-ah-hem! 236 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,049 We'd like to talk to you all today 237 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,317 about our friendship. 238 00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:47,053 We are hoping that our words will inspire you 239 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,055 to vote for us for Whitlock's "Best Friends." 240 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,223 - "Friendship. 241 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,192 "Webster's Dictionary defines it 242 00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:54,294 "as a person whom one knows 243 00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,863 and with whom one..." 244 00:09:56,896 --> 00:09:59,866 [electronic music] 245 00:09:59,899 --> 00:10:01,201 ♪ 246 00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:02,936 Both: Friends! 247 00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:04,004 Friends! 248 00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:06,806 ♪ 249 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,341 Friends! 250 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,143 Both: Besties! 251 00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:12,112 Both: Friends! 252 00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:18,318 ♪ 253 00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:21,864 - They're campaigning as write-in candidates, 254 00:10:21,888 --> 00:10:23,089 and they're going hard! 255 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:26,826 - Frickin' do-si-do... now! 256 00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:33,800 ♪ 257 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,175 - It's called The Serendipity. 258 00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:44,844 - Oh. Now, by that do you mean this moment 259 00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,112 or the ring? 260 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,981 - I can't with you! 261 00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:49,983 - I'm sorry that I'm being so funny and awesome 262 00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:51,994 while you're trying to work. Tell me about the ring. 263 00:10:52,018 --> 00:10:55,121 - Not until you tell me more about these plates. 264 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,057 - Oh, my... 265 00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:59,125 Princess Di plates. Well, 266 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,994 I just always really admired, you know, 267 00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:03,063 her stance on landmines. 268 00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,164 Against. 269 00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:05,965 - Hmm. Yeah. 270 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,835 - I just started collecting them 271 00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:10,403 around the same time that my, uh... 272 00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:13,239 [somber music] Parents started arguing. 273 00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:15,208 ♪ 274 00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:18,845 - You poor, sweet man. 275 00:11:18,878 --> 00:11:22,148 - Would you teach me Instagram? 276 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:26,086 - Oh! Somebody help me! 277 00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:28,088 - Helen, are you okay? - Oh! 278 00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:30,156 I just bopped my face on my monitor, 279 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,292 and I knocked my tooth out! 280 00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,160 - Thank heavens it's your fake tooth 281 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,029 which can be replaced. 282 00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:37,997 - Well, this one isn't. 283 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,000 - Oh, Helen, what are you doin'? 284 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,868 You're a wild one, aren't you? 285 00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:44,237 - Marjorie, Marjorie, I-I wrote a new song! 286 00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:45,271 Listen to this. 287 00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,906 ♪ Foot on the gas 288 00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:48,441 ♪ And I'm goin' too fast 289 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,443 ♪ It's a rock n' roll car, yeah ♪ 290 00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:52,045 - No, don't got in there, Marjorie. 291 00:11:52,078 --> 00:11:53,947 Stay with me, and I'll tell you the story 292 00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:56,049 about when I came out to my grandpa 293 00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:58,051 in the Denny's parking lot and it went just fine. 294 00:11:58,084 --> 00:12:01,454 - [laughs] What has gotten into you two goofs, huh? 295 00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:03,990 Because I want whatever y'all are havin'. 296 00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:05,458 [laughter] 297 00:12:05,492 --> 00:12:08,061 - [sighs] 298 00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:11,064 [dramatic music] 299 00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:18,004 ♪ 300 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,011 - Stef, what are you doing? 301 00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:26,880 - Well, I'm making sure you're okay 302 00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,357 while also testing out some baby products. 303 00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,292 - Wait a minute... I wasn't wearing pajamas before. 304 00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:31,951 Did you change me? 305 00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:34,988 - Yes, we changed you. Don't get weird. 306 00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:38,158 - Jack, you own "Fifty Shades of Grey"? 307 00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:40,927 All: Ooh! Freaky-deaky! 308 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,930 - All right, okay, there was a month where everyone got it! 309 00:12:43,963 --> 00:12:45,932 I-I didn't get the other shades! 310 00:12:45,965 --> 00:12:48,268 Look, can you guys just stop poking around my home? 311 00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:49,903 I'm feeling a little... 312 00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:52,272 - Oh, um... vulnerable? 313 00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,174 - Whoops. - Actually, those are mine. 314 00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:55,975 Those are my gym panties. 315 00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:57,353 They must have fallen outta my coat pocket. 316 00:12:57,377 --> 00:12:59,512 - Oh, is that... - Look, enough! 317 00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:02,015 Look, this day has been a nightmare 318 00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,217 from start to finish, okay? I just wanna be alone. 319 00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:06,086 - Well, we're not leaving you alone, okay? 320 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,088 We're gonna stay here and tease you 321 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,256 and help you forget about that scary test. 322 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,992 - When Keith gets scared, I sing to him. 323 00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:15,161 ♪ Don't you cry, little doggie ♪ 324 00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,263 - Stop! No! 325 00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,500 - Okay, we get it. 326 00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:22,102 You don't like to be goofed on. 327 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,237 You don't like dog songs. What do you like? 328 00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:28,408 - I like getting revenge on those who've wronged me. 329 00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:31,511 [suspenseful music] 330 00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:34,014 ♪ 331 00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:36,282 - Oh, yeah, that woman's got to pay. 332 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,151 [line ringing] 333 00:13:38,184 --> 00:13:41,087 Agatha: Leave your name and number after the beep 334 00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:43,156 and try not to mumble like a moron. 335 00:13:43,189 --> 00:13:44,991 - Oh. [beep] 336 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,993 - Hi, I'm a mermaid. 337 00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,495 My name is... 338 00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:51,164 Eeeeeeeee! Eee-ee-ee... 339 00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:54,034 - [Russian accent] Hello. I am snow saleswoman. 340 00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:57,537 I will put you in igloo today, uh... 341 00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:01,508 [normal voice] No, I... I'm... I wanna order a pizza, actually. 342 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,343 And, um, with, um... 343 00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:05,979 I can't think of any toppings! 344 00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:08,982 [beep] - I was referred to you by... 345 00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:11,051 [groans] Arrrrrhhhhh... 346 00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,186 [beep] - Hello, my name is 347 00:14:13,219 --> 00:14:16,156 Peabody J. Taco of the hard shell Tacos. 348 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,024 [beep] - Would you accept 349 00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:19,459 a Groupon that expired in 350 00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:22,395 [grunting] Urr! Uhh-Ooh-Oohhhh! 351 00:14:22,429 --> 00:14:25,398 - [Russian accent] It is saleswoman of the snow. 352 00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:27,500 And I sell the snow by the flake. 353 00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:31,204 Everyone is different. Oh, no, pepperoni! 354 00:14:31,237 --> 00:14:34,074 Pepperoni! Pep, please... Oh, ah... bye. 355 00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:36,242 [laughter] - Oh, my God. 356 00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,511 - [Irish accent] Oh, Molly, I love ya. 357 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:41,081 Come to da poob and tip da pint! 358 00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:42,482 - What kind of accent is that? 359 00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:44,084 - Irish. 360 00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:46,319 - Uh-uh, girl, that was full-on pirate. 361 00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:48,355 [beep] - This is Horace T. Taco 362 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,357 of the soft shell Tacos. 363 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,225 Perhaps you know my arch nemesis... 364 00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:53,502 - The mailbox is full and cannot accept 365 00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:55,362 any messages at this time. - It's full. 366 00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,030 - Good-bye. - It's full... we did it. 367 00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:59,099 - Yes! - Yes! 368 00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:00,467 - Ah! 369 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,602 - Nice. 370 00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:05,271 You guys wearing my sweatpants? 371 00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:08,441 ♪ 372 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:12,545 [indistinct chatter] 373 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,148 - You think you're bester friends than us? 374 00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,551 - We challenge you to a duel 375 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,286 that we hope that we will win. 376 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,122 - Fine. - Sounds good. 377 00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:25,291 - All right, everybody, 378 00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:27,527 just three questions left. 379 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,562 Let's take a little trip to Tinseltown. 380 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:33,533 Victor, what is Eduardo's favorite movie? 381 00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:35,444 - Oh, that's an easy one. It used to be "Shanghai Noon," 382 00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:37,137 but now he can't fall asleep at night 383 00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:39,205 without watching "Pitch Perfect 2." 384 00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:41,307 Wait... does that mean he hates "Pitch Perfect 2" 385 00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:43,076 because it puts him to sleep? 386 00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,678 - I'm gonna need a final answer, buddy. 387 00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:47,347 - Uh, "Shanghai Noon." Final answer. 388 00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,249 - Eduardo. 389 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,351 - Oh, my God! - Come on, man! 390 00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,286 - We talked a bunch about how the young women 391 00:15:53,319 --> 00:15:55,422 really find their stride in the sequel. 392 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:58,692 - All right, Grace, it is time to ride the rainbow. 393 00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:01,294 What's Anthony's favorite color? 394 00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:04,698 - Um, his shirt is blue, 395 00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:07,300 so... blue? 396 00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:08,535 - Yes! 397 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:09,669 You literally see me! 398 00:16:09,703 --> 00:16:11,371 I love my BFF! 399 00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:13,440 - My man! 400 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,442 - It's time for the last question. 401 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:19,112 Eduardo, let's talk grub, bub. 402 00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,247 What is Victor's favorite food? 403 00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:23,149 - Pot pie. - What? 404 00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:24,651 - Pot pie... you said just Friday 405 00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:26,495 that my mother's pot pie was the best in the world. 406 00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:28,621 - It's pizza. It's pizza! 407 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:30,256 It's always pizza! 408 00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:31,658 - Ooh! - Ooh... 409 00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,360 - Eduardo, we're teens! 410 00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:35,528 We're like two decades out from lovin' pot pie. 411 00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,430 - Then why did Victor say that to my mother 412 00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:39,132 about her pot pie? 413 00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,267 - I was being nice! 414 00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,203 - Let's give it up for our best friends... 415 00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:45,338 [cheers and applause] 416 00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:50,310 ♪ 417 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:53,546 - Helen, I know it's been awkward, so... 418 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,482 I'm just gonna come out and say it. 419 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,485 Today is Marjorie's last day and... 420 00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,387 I think you should ask her out. 421 00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:01,621 I mean, your eyes light up 422 00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:03,323 whenever she walks into the room! 423 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:06,292 - Yes, Marjorie makes my nether regions 424 00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,395 thump the "Law & Order" theme, 425 00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:10,463 but I couldn't do that to you, Ralph. 426 00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:13,266 This is the first time that you've flirted with anyone 427 00:17:13,299 --> 00:17:15,502 since your divorce. 428 00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,537 I would rather die again. 429 00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:19,472 - Oh, hi, Helen! 430 00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:22,208 I have an extremely important question to ask you. 431 00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:24,244 If I said you had a nice body, 432 00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:25,545 would you hold it against me? 433 00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:27,447 - Oh, it's a riddle? 434 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,482 Oh, uh... of course I would 435 00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:32,519 hold my body against you, Marjorie, 436 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,654 and so would Ralph! 437 00:17:34,688 --> 00:17:36,589 - Ah! Both of you, huh? 438 00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:39,526 'Cause that sounds like my kinda party! 439 00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,761 Well, maybe I'll swing by later and we can, uh, 440 00:17:41,795 --> 00:17:44,431 get into some trouble together? 441 00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:47,300 [chuckles] [dramatic music] 442 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:52,439 - ♪ Dun-dun 443 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,608 - Did she just propose what I think she did? 444 00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,410 - I think so. 445 00:17:57,444 --> 00:17:59,412 A three-way at work. 446 00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:00,513 Well, it's official. 447 00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:01,691 I'm turning into my mother. [chuckles] 448 00:18:01,715 --> 00:18:03,450 - But we... we... we can't! 449 00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,218 I mean, right? 450 00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:07,654 - No! I mean, we can't look at each other naked. 451 00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:10,357 - We're gonna say, "Marjorie, we'll do things with you, 452 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:12,792 but not with each other?" That's just weird! 453 00:18:12,826 --> 00:18:15,362 - Dear Marjorie, here's 102 rules 454 00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,397 before we start smoochin'. 455 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,366 I mean, we could do less rules, but... 456 00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:21,301 [laughing] No, forget it! - [laughing] 457 00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:23,269 - Oh, no, that's crazy, right? 458 00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:24,437 - Whoo! - Ha ha ha ha. 459 00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:26,272 What? 460 00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:29,743 [laughter continues] 461 00:18:32,746 --> 00:18:36,249 [loud, forced laugh] 462 00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:37,751 [sighs] 463 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:40,453 ♪ 464 00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:44,824 - Hi, um, I'm calling for the results of my colonoscopy. 465 00:18:44,858 --> 00:18:46,292 Jack Griffin. 466 00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:47,394 - Mr. Griffin, 467 00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:50,697 I received 127 messages 468 00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:54,401 from what sounded like you and your loud friends. 469 00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,269 [laughing] Unfortunately, 470 00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,505 all of those messages flooded our system 471 00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:01,675 and deleted your test results to make space. 472 00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:03,343 - Wait, wait, wait. 473 00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:05,745 Voicemails deleted a test result? 474 00:19:05,779 --> 00:19:06,746 H... that can't be a thing. 475 00:19:06,780 --> 00:19:09,482 - You'll need to get another colonoscopy 476 00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:12,385 tomorrow morning to be absolutely certain 477 00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:13,887 you're cancer-free. 478 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,791 I hope you and your friends had fun, Mr. Taco. 479 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:21,728 [dramatic music] 480 00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:24,798 - She knows it was us who did the prank calls. 481 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,633 She's making me do the test again. 482 00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:29,302 - That sucks! - Damn! 483 00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:30,637 Well, I guess she won. 484 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,773 - [sucks tongue] Or maybe not. 485 00:19:33,807 --> 00:19:36,876 But it's gonna cost me my last shred of dignity. 486 00:19:36,910 --> 00:19:38,578 ♪ 487 00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:46,486 [dark music] 488 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,422 - Aren't you forgetting something? 489 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:51,791 - [sighs] 490 00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:56,496 - [clears throat] In the end, 491 00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,832 the winners of the "Best Friends" category 492 00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:00,700 were the write-in candidates. 493 00:20:00,734 --> 00:20:03,503 - Yes! You do the work, you get the reward! 494 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,372 Oh! - Actually, I meant Ashley 495 00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,774 and Amanda. - Yes! Ohh! 496 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,409 They're back, baby. 497 00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:12,512 [melancholy music] 498 00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:16,750 ♪ 499 00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:18,852 - Here, you take these. 500 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:21,921 - Ours was a sham friendship anyways. 501 00:20:21,955 --> 00:20:23,990 You two are the real BFFs. 502 00:20:24,024 --> 00:20:26,526 - We don't deserve your used hats. 503 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,728 [softly] I said pot pie. 504 00:20:28,762 --> 00:20:30,797 - Come on, you're Victuardo. 505 00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:35,602 ♪ 506 00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:37,637 - During last night's closing statements 507 00:20:37,671 --> 00:20:39,606 of "Bunkbed Breakdown," 508 00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:41,474 we agreed that you guys could be, like, 509 00:20:41,508 --> 00:20:43,710 actual best friends. 510 00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:47,013 It seems like you have a real special thing gestating. 511 00:20:47,047 --> 00:20:49,683 - Then my brother threw up and Victor had to go home. 512 00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:52,619 - Okay. 513 00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:55,789 ♪ 514 00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,993 - Although I am thrilled 515 00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:02,629 that your loud, obnoxious friends aren't here, 516 00:21:02,662 --> 00:21:04,731 you do need to have a ride present, 517 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:07,467 so you'll have to continue to fast 518 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,036 and come back tomorrow and take the test again. 519 00:21:10,070 --> 00:21:11,971 - Yeah, no. 520 00:21:12,005 --> 00:21:13,606 Ihavea ride. 521 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,578 [louder] I have a ride! 522 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,647 - Whoo-hoo! [laughing] 523 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,916 - Ah! - Oh, no... 524 00:21:22,949 --> 00:21:25,952 Oh, this is not... - No, this is it. 525 00:21:25,985 --> 00:21:28,688 - No, no, no, no. - These are my friends. 526 00:21:28,722 --> 00:21:30,657 - This is completely illegal. 527 00:21:30,690 --> 00:21:32,525 You can't just come in here like this. 528 00:21:32,559 --> 00:21:34,060 No! [everyone whooping] 529 00:21:34,094 --> 00:21:35,829 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 530 00:21:35,862 --> 00:21:37,664 This is illegal! 531 00:21:37,697 --> 00:21:40,600 [overlapping shouting, cheering] 532 00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:42,035 No! Enough! - No? 533 00:21:42,068 --> 00:21:43,003 - Enough! - Oh. 534 00:21:43,036 --> 00:21:45,071 - Stop! 535 00:21:45,105 --> 00:21:47,507 You want your results? Fine. 536 00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:52,545 Everything was clear. 537 00:21:52,579 --> 00:21:55,715 And I'm happy to share it with everyone. 538 00:21:55,749 --> 00:21:59,085 ♪ 539 00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:00,920 [all whooping] 540 00:22:00,954 --> 00:22:04,090 Please stop. Just go. 541 00:22:04,124 --> 00:22:06,760 No, no. Please go away. 542 00:22:06,793 --> 00:22:08,528 - Ohh... 543 00:22:08,561 --> 00:22:09,796 Hi! - Wow. 544 00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:11,564 - Oh, so glad you made it. 545 00:22:11,598 --> 00:22:12,966 - So that's you there, huh? 546 00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:15,001 - That's me! - Mmm! 547 00:22:15,035 --> 00:22:16,703 Well, I'm glad you're healthy. - Mm-hmm. 548 00:22:16,736 --> 00:22:18,872 - Maybe next time I could give you a ride, huh? 549 00:22:18,905 --> 00:22:20,106 - Okay. 550 00:22:20,140 --> 00:22:22,108 Hey, um, you wanna know something 551 00:22:22,142 --> 00:22:24,678 that's even more humiliating than this? 552 00:22:24,711 --> 00:22:25,945 - What? 553 00:22:25,979 --> 00:22:27,881 - I own "Fifty Shades of Grey." 554 00:22:29,716 --> 00:22:31,051 - We all bought it that month. 555 00:22:31,084 --> 00:22:33,086 - Yeah. - You... 556 00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:35,689 you did buy it that month, right? 557 00:22:36,956 --> 00:22:39,526 - Yeah! 558 00:22:39,559 --> 00:22:41,795 - Hey, the whole school's having a party 559 00:22:41,828 --> 00:22:44,130 at my gastroenterologist's and I'm not even invited? 560 00:22:44,164 --> 00:22:45,865 [scoffs] Oof! 561 00:22:45,899 --> 00:22:48,001 ♪ 562 00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:49,602 - Y'all rascals here? 563 00:22:49,636 --> 00:22:51,504 I'm heading out. 564 00:22:52,639 --> 00:22:54,140 Oh. 565 00:22:54,174 --> 00:22:55,875 [chuckles] 566 00:22:55,909 --> 00:22:58,011 [sniffs] Mmm. 567 00:22:58,044 --> 00:23:01,648 - Dearest Marjorie, it's me, Ralph. 568 00:23:01,681 --> 00:23:04,884 - And me, Helen. I'm the purple pen. 569 00:23:04,918 --> 00:23:07,754 We think you're the best thing since sliced ham. 570 00:23:07,787 --> 00:23:09,122 Ralph: And you've made me excited 571 00:23:09,155 --> 00:23:11,591 about the idea of being single. 572 00:23:11,624 --> 00:23:14,761 But because we are long-time friends and coworkers... 573 00:23:14,794 --> 00:23:16,596 Helen: We respectfully decline your offer 574 00:23:16,629 --> 00:23:18,832 of a sex three-way. 575 00:23:18,865 --> 00:23:20,633 Ralph: You could just say three-way. 576 00:23:20,667 --> 00:23:21,978 Helen: Well, you could just tell me that 577 00:23:22,002 --> 00:23:23,045 instead of writing it down. 578 00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:24,213 Ralph: Let's just start over! 579 00:23:24,237 --> 00:23:26,973 Helen: This is my only piece of stationary, Ralph. 580 00:23:27,007 --> 00:23:28,751 Ralph: What about the stationary with the cat 581 00:23:28,775 --> 00:23:29,776 dressed as Shakespeare? 582 00:23:29,809 --> 00:23:30,910 Helen: Well, that's tucked 583 00:23:31,945 --> 00:23:33,425 under the copier so it doesn't rattle. 584 00:23:33,580 --> 00:23:34,681 Hey, are you hungry? 585 00:23:35,782 --> 00:23:35,815 Ralph: I could use a bowl of chili right now. 586 00:23:36,216 --> 00:23:37,550 Shall we? 40837

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