Original subtitles

** [ Pop ]

[ Man ] * Christmastime is almost here again *

* People come from far and near again *

* Isn't Christmastime a wonderful thing *

* Deck the halls and hang the mistletoe *

* Kiss the one you love and let 'em know *

* Isn't Christmastime a wonderful thing *

[ Woman Narrating ] There are three things that all New Yorkers strive for:

the perfect job, the perfect apartment, and the perfect fiancé.

How did I, E.J. Baxter, manage to pull off that trifecta?

Because I never took "no" for an answer,

even if it made me miserable.

[ Phone Beeps ] E.J., it's Susan Curtsonis.

Look, I really appreciate your interest,

but we're perfectly happy with the public relations company we have.

Have a happy holiday. [ Phone Beeps ]

[ Woman ] Susan Curtsonis's office.

I'm sorry, but she's not here.

Actually, I wasn't calling to pitch her account.

I was calling you, Cindy.

Despite the outcome, you have been a real class act. Thank you.

If I can ever be of any help--

Look, thanks for calling, but I've got to go spend my lunch hour...

standing in line trying to get Coldplay tickets.

[ Cindy ] I can't believe you did this!

New Year's Eve and they're all sold out!

Ah, I knew you wanted them.

Just make sure to hold onto those backstage passes.

I don't understand why Susan won't take a meeting with you.

The thing is, I just need 10 minutes of her time anywhere.

Doesn't even need to be her office.

That hair color can't be natural.

Where and when does she get her roots done? Or her nails?

She had them all done yesterday. But there is one place she goes.

You have approximately five minutes...

to tell me why I should switch agencies, E.J.

Gotcha, Susan. The problem with the campaign-- No, E.J.

In here. You do spin, don't you?

Oh. Do I spin? [ Chuckles ]

** [ Upbeat ] All right, you guys, take it up.

Out of that saddle, going into those push-ups.

In four, three--

Down and up. Here we go. Down and up.

Down and up. Two more.

Down, up. Last one.

Sit and sprint, as fast as you can.

Don't stop. Keep that head up.

Trip Advisor rates your flagship hotel...

as only number 247 in New York.

Even if it's primarily a business hotel,

I don't understand why your current campaign...

doesn't promise business travelers something they can't get at home.

And one. Let's take it back up.

Front, front, side, side.

Front, front, side, side.

For example-- Great job, guys. Keep it up.

Fashion launch party celebrating our client Donatella Versace...

sipping our client, Laurent-Perrier champagne,

which gets featured at Conde Nast,

where my ex-assistant now works as an editor.

[ Instructor ] All the way up.

Sharon Byrons? Call back.

Jeff Field? Call back.

Jackie Bescher?

Call her back and tell her she'll have it in her inbox in the morning when she wakes up.

Now, you arranged for a car to take us to the airport? Uh-huh.

Everyone has my number at Le Toiny?

I don't know why you'd want anybody to bother you in St. Barts, but uh-huh.

There's always an emergency. Who else?

Uh, Ellen Plack.

Ah! Let's get her. I just want to talk to Lillah for a second.

Oh, and can you send someone out to get a bottle of ibuprofen?

An extra large bottle.

You did what?

What community college P.R. class did you learn that one in?

Would you get with the program already?

Why do I have to spell out everything all the time?

- I got the Curtsonis account. - How the hell did you manage to convince her?

Ah, it's nothing.

Well, we'll have a drink at the party later to celebrate.

Besides you, E.J., I do not have a single person in this company who gets it.

Ah.

Well, maybe Noah.

But even you, his fiancée, know he's hardly perfect.

Well, he'll do until perfect comes along.

** [ Piano: Light Jazz ]

** [ Continues ] [ Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Man ] * The days are short the nights are long *

** [ Continues ] [ E.J. ] Okay, Noah, who's next?

There's Mark Madden.

Fortune once called him the most lusted after managerial star to never become CEO.

Poor guy.

Maybe he's waiting for the right offer, the right time, and the right environment.

I love you, but if anyone ever spun me like that I'd be out on a ledge.

Sorry, Noah. Force of habit.

Oh, F.Y.I., I made us an appointment with the caterer...

to taste the hot and cold amuse-bouche.

Why don't you handle that one by yourself?

I promise I will be amused by your bouche. [ Giggles ]

[ Grunts ] My contacts are killing me.

Well, when you leave them in too long, they dry out. [ Mutters ]

Don't rub them. You always say that.

And then you always rub them. Oh-- Oh, God.

The left one just shifted. I think it's lost in my eye. Here, honey, let me see.

No, I got it.

[ Sighs ]

Go take your cute little butt for one last turn around the room.

Then we'll go home. Sounds like a plan.

* Ask the children They all know *

[ Phone Ringing ] [ Chattering, Laughing Continue ]

[ Beeps ] Hi, Roz. I'm at the Christmas party.

Alert, alert, alert. I just got a call.

Prada sample sale tomorrow.

You guys are going to Paris next week. Don't you just want to shop there?

Well, of course. But there's no harm in looking. Everything's at least 40% off.

Oh, we are so there. [ Moaning, Giggling ]

Hey!

Oh! You wouldn't believe what's going on in the bathroom behind me.

This is New York. I wouldn't believe it if there wasn't something going on behind you.

Oh! He's wearing new Dolce & Gabbana shoes. Nice.

[ Man, Woman Laughing ]

Wait a minute. I not only know those shoes, I schlepped them back from Milan!

Oh! Whoa!

[ Both Laughing ]

Let me guess. She's giving you your Christmas bonus.

- E.J., please don't make a big deal out of this. - Guess I don't rate.

All she gave me was a fruitcake.

Look, E.J., you're too smart not to know that sometimes things just happen.

And once you process and accept them--

[ Roz ] What am I missing? Call you back.

Darling, you know, I must admit I really misjudged Noah.

You've got a great one here. You really should be nice to him.

Oh, my--

Let me ask you something, Bill. It's Bob.

Have you ever broken a pair of heels off some Gucci pumps?

Can't say that I have.

Oh, I gotta tell you it's totally worth getting fired over.

I mean, I can find another job like that.

But do you-- do you know how hard it is to find a guy like No--

You mean Noah? [ Groans ]

Everybody said we were perfect for each other. Mmm.

I mean, perfect! I mean, everybody!

Didn't you? I don't know him.

And you don't want to. He's a jackass!

But we had the same ambitions and goals in life.

And yeah, yeah, I could've been a total girl about the whole thing...

and waited for him to propose,

but I-I-I-I took the initiative and he accepted the offer.

Well, it's quite--

Killer ring.

Mmm.

This was one merger I really thought was gonna last.

[ Sighs ]

[ Groans ]

Hi.

- How are you? - How do you think I am?

Okay, I deserve that.

I realize the reason you didn't call me back was that you needed some space, some time to think.

Why'd you do it, Noah?

A million reasons, probably none of them good enough.

Just give one good one.

I see.

Well, don't worry about me.

I'm fine. I'm great.

Do I look not great? No, no.

You look amazing.

That's because I could give lessons in amazing.

This is not the right time to talk about this, but I was hoping I could get my ring back.

I'm sorry. I realize what that must sound like.

No. Really, thank you.

You just made everything a lot easier.

What's going on? I don't know. It's not coming off.

Why? Did you gain weight? Yes, Noah!

I gained 50 pounds since I caught you screwing Lillah last night.

Here. I realize I acted like a jerk.

[ Sarcastic Chuckle ] Okay, worse.

I don't blame you for hating me, E.J.

In spite of everything, I still-- I really care about you.

If there's anything you need me to do or anyone you need me to call--

You are so thoughtful, Noah, but I don't need your help.

My phone sheet is already five pages long.

Not one person has called me, Roz.

Well, maybe you should go somewhere for a couple of days and just de-stress.

It's too late. All the decent places are booked.

Do you want us to stay home with you? You shouldn't be alone right now.

I want you and Howie to go to Paris. Oh, Paris.

[ Scoffs ] It's no big deal. It's not like there's anything exciting to do there.

- I can put the money towards getting a new new face. - [ Laughs ]

Go to Paris.

Since Mom and Dad are gone, Christmas means nothing to me.

I have plenty to keep myself busy here. And thanks for letting me stay.

[ E.J. ] * Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way *

* Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, hey *

Hey! Shoo.

* All the way *

[ TV: Woman ] You must believe in Mr. Kringle and keep right on doing it.

You must have faith in him. But he didn't get me the--

That doesn't make sense, Mommy.

Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to.

[ TV: Girl ] Huh?

Just because things don't turn out the way you want them to, [ Crying ]

[ Whimpers ]

you've still got to believe in them.

Okay.

[ Sniffling ] It's good, isn't it?

[ Crowd Clamoring ]

Four... three... two... one.

Happy New Year!

Oh, hey. Hey.

Happy new year, Cathy. It's E.J. Baxter.

Yes! I know. I've been wanting to call you for so long.

How are you?

I don't have to tell you what a team player I am, Corey.

Mmm, I remember the day I hired you as my assistant.

I thought if I could just buy stock in this guy--

How right I was.

Sue, your problem is not your product, but your lack of brand loyalty.

Last year, Simon, in addition to juggling all my own accounts,

I was responsible for bringing in 18% of all new business.

This isn't about me, Eve.

It's about what I can do to help your business grow.

Yes. Yes.

You call me back at your earliest convenience.

Thank you. Thank you.

Good-bye. [ Beeps ]

I never knew there were so many variations of "Don't call us, we'll call you."

Oh, Lillah can't blackball you all over the city.

She's done a damn good job so far.

How can this be happening, Roz? How?

I'm really, really good. The best.

Lost my livelihood, my reputation, my 24-hour doorman. Oh!

I understand most people wouldn't want to cross Lillah by hiring me,

but there are legions of her former victims out there.

You'd think one of them would-- Well, you got that offer from Kaplan and McGuire.

I can't take that crappy, two-bit job offer from that fleabag agency.

- What would that look like out there? Desperate City. - You are not desperate.

Then again, I just don't want to sit around and wait for an offer...

and be like, "Oh, I'm just enjoying life, taking my time, considering my options."

No one ever believes that spin.

E.J., E.J., honey, it is a horrible economy,

and you have only been looking for a few months.

I promise you there's a great job out there with your name on it.

None.

Well, there is this one offer, but it's-- [ Giggles ]

It's so ridiculous, I don't even want to discuss it. What?

The mayor of Kalispell, Montana wants to hire me for a year...

to start a pilot program to lure corporate retreats there.

This is a great idea!

N-No, Montana is exactly where you should be.

Less pressure.

You will not be reminded of your life in New York in any way in Montana.

That's because there is no such place as Montana.

It's just a big hole in the ground, says "Montana."

Don't you remember Daddy always told us...

the only people that lived in Montana are the people that sweep the dirt off the sign?

You do also realize he was also an alcoholic womanizer who made Bernie Madoff look honest?

Maybe so, but he was sincere when he said it. Oh, he was. He was.

Honey, listen. If there was ever a time for you to think beyond the box, this is it.

And you know you could do that job in your sleep. What do I do when I'm awake?

Just think of it as a paid vacation.

You are going crazy sitting around here waiting for the phone to ring.

You need to go somewhere where you will not be constantly reminded of Noah...

and the situation, and the fact that, you know,

your life hasn't turned out exactly the way you had it planned out.

I'm a New Yorker, Roz. I need the hustle and bustle. It's a year.

What's 12 months? You'll be back before you're finished unpacking your purses.

But-- But... what?

What if no one here wants me back?

Oh, honey.

Honey, they will.

Emma Jane. Oh, Emma Jane!

I have a good feeling about this.

** [ Country: Upbeat ]

[ Man ] * Well, they're lining up outside my door *

* To get a look at me *

* Hey, Lord I'm in the thick of it now *

* Yeah, they're lining up outside my door *

* To get a look at me *

* Hey, Lord I'm in the thick of it now *

* But I keep ridin' *

* This ghost town highway *

* Honey, I keep drivin' *

* I'm gonna do it my way * This is easy. This is not hard.

* I remember walkin' * I have a master's degree.

* Down that lonesome road *

Mmm. Okay. * Hey, Lord I'm in the thick of it now *

* Yeah, they're lining up outside my door *

* Just to thank me *

* Hey, Lord I'm in the thick of it now *

* But I keep ridin' *

* This ghost town highway *

* Honey, I keep drivin' *

* I'm gonna do it my way *

* I remember walkin' *

* Down that lonesome road *

* Yea, Lord I'm in the thick of it now *

* But I keep ridin' *

* This ghost town highway *

* Honey, I keep drivin' *

* I'm gonna do it my way *

** [ Continues ] Can I help you, ma'am?

Am I still in Montana?

* Yea, Lord I'm in the thick of it now *

* Why, I said, Lord, I'm in the thick of it now **

[ Man ] Everything's cable ready and wired for the Internet.

All this for $525 a month?

Is that too much? No.

No. It's fine.

But I'm not signing any long-term lease. I'm only gonna be here a year at most.

It's... no problem.

I can't tell you how happy we are that you're here, E.J.

Thank you, Mayor Baker. No, Bob, please.

Bob.

Let me introduce you to Jan Lucas. This is E.J. Baxter.

Anything you need, Jan will help.

Great to meet you. We're so excited you're here.

Oh! Oh! [ Laughs ]

We didn't really get a chance to talk specifics of what you expect.

[ Chuckling ] What would I know?

I mean, you're the bigwig from New York. I'm a mayor to 19,000 people.

If I knew how to deal with what large companies were looking for,

I wouldn't have brought you here to do your magic.

Settle in and get started...

and we'll talk again later after my zoning board meeting.

Oh, just two little things. Yeah. Shoot.

Assistant and office.

[ Laughing ]

Oh. Well, um--

You and, uh--

Um, uh-- Uh--

Jan. Jan! Jan.

Sorry. [ Chuckles ]

Um, I'm putting together a brochure...

with a list of things that corporate executives didn't know they could do here,

but I'm sure I must be missing something.

Well, there's Glacier National Park and Flathead Lake.

Yes, and those are wonderful, but everybody already knows about them.

I'm looking for something that will really create a splash.

I think people come here wanting to experience...

what they don't have at home. Yes.

Wilderness adventures, rafting, fishing and hiking, and there's golf.

Yes. Uh, let's see. How is your theater?

Well, we're not exactly New York,

but Ray Prince does a great salute to Elvis.

Wow. [ Chuckles ]

Um, how good are your museums?

We don't have that many, but the wildlife museum is really cool.

And the Historical Society puts on a-- You know what? Thank you.

I think I've got it. Thanks. That was a big help. Anytime.

One night this week we have to go out for drinks.

We have the best bars and really great bands.

Maybe. I'll just get myself settled.

What are you doing a week from Sunday?

Um, there's a barbecue to raise money for the search and rescue station.

I am working the bake sale and I could really use some help.

Absolutely. I am freedom's prisoner.

Great.

[ Imitates Gun Firing ]

Give my best to Big Wayne.

Will. How you doing, Diane?

I'm fine. But what's this I heard about your sister? Well, she moved to Tampa.

She was moving in, coming down the stairs, took a wrong turn, slipped.

- Oh, no. - Yeah, busted up her leg pretty good.

Not a good thing. Ligaments, tendons, bone. Not good.

- How long is she gonna be in a cast? - Like three months.

And it's her right foot. If it's your right foot, you can't drive.

Wow. People don't think about that.

So my parents constantly have to go over there, driving her around--

Excuse me. I am so sorry to hear about your sister, but I need to pick up my package.

This was left at my door. You need to sign, hon.

Oh. Sorry. Sorry.

- Go. Go right ahead. I'm-- It's fine. - Thank you.

- I'm just used to doormen signing for me. - Aren't we all?

Well, now, you're obviously really important.

So I'm gonna just-- I'll just wait. Thank you.

So, what are your big Saturday night plans?

Oh, you know. We're having drinks at Joe Allen's.

And then I have house seats at the new Mamet play.

Then we're going to this new place for dinner by that former chef at Le Bernardin.

- Me too. - Really?

Roz, have you forgotten where I've been exiled to?

Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.

Tell me about it.

I-I promise you, first thing Monday morning I will send you a care package.

And now in national news, two snowboarders were buried today...

when a sudden avalanche hit Glacier National Park in Northwestern Montana.

The area is popular... Hey, quick. Turn on C.N.B.

with thrill-seekers looking for clean, untouched powder.

Center officials estimated that the avalanche...

was between 400 and 500 feet. I see it.

Search and rescue workers risked icy winds and perilous conditions...

to locate the stranded athletes.

Our C.N.B. reporter spoke by phone with squad physician Marci Hempel.

By the time we found them, the men were suffering from hypothermia.

We airlifted them to Kalispell Regional and we do expect them to make a full recovery.

But had we arrived even a few minutes later, they might not have survived.

- Honey, is that anywhere near you? - I think so.

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Child ] I got it! I got it!

Nice play!

Yeah!

- [ Woman ] Just what I was hoping for. - Here you go. Thank you.

Thanks, Marci.

Hi. Hi, Eric.

Um, how much for one of these cupcakes? Uh, a dollar.

But after what you and the rescue squad went through yesterday, it's on me.

Well, thank you.

Eric, this is E.J. Baxter. Oh, hi.

She just moved here from New York. Wow, New York.

- Must be a big adjustment, huh? - [ Chuckles ] Yeah.

You could say that.

- Um, so you were involved in that rescue yesterday? - Yeah. Yeah, I was.

- That was something. - You're being modest. You guys were fantastic.

We were lucky. We've been borrowing our helicopter from Sam Simon.

Only he sold his place and is moving to Aspen.

So I don't know what we're gonna do when that happens.

Anyway, um, thanks for the cupcake.

- It was nice to meet you, E.J. - You, too.

Marci, why doesn't the search and rescue squad have its own helicopter?

We're funded through the county. These days we're lucky to get what we get.

It doesn't even begin to pay for repairs, training, new equipment.

- Not even close. - I really admire you guys.

- I could never do what you do, no matter how much I got paid. - Oh, we don't get paid.

It's all volunteer.

Exactly. For instance, Marci's husband Dave is a real estate agent.

- But he's also on rescue squad. - Then why risk your lives?

'Cause we love it here. Because it's important.

I got, like, seven of these cups now. Can I borrow one?

[ Laughs ] Will you look at that? Oh, yeah.

That's E.J. Baxter. Jan just introduced me to her.

She just moved here from New York. Oh, we've met.

[ Chuckling ]

Thank you. Thank you.

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

So, this is how you raise money.

Hey, we do it however we can.

We sponsor triathlons and pancake breakfasts and raffles.

And then there's-- I'm guessing people here really get into eating carbs.

Yeah. They passed a law.

[ Chuckles ]

[ All Laughing ]

I don't know who that guy is over there, but he certainly has a high opinion of himself.

That's Will Albrecht.

He's the George Clooney of Kalispell. Mm-hmm.

Oh, please. In New York, he couldn't bribe his way past the velvet ropes.

[ E.J. Sighs ]

[ Roz ] Was that a good sigh or a bad sigh?

[ E.J. ] Why does every road in this state look exactly the same?

If only I could just hail a cab to this place.

[ Roz ] Ah, yes. The comforts of home.

[ E.J. ] Oh, speaking of which, can you do me a favor...

and send me a 10-pound bag of Fairways bold blend coffee?

[ Roz ] They don't have coffee in Montana?

Yes, but I miss Fairway.

And now I have to blend my own because the nearest Starbucks in this town is 10 miles away.

Throwing my whole morning off. Where are you? You're breaking up.

My old client, Robert Lazarre, owns this chalet.

I got him to let me rent it for C.E.O.s or corporate events.

Just need some great pictures in order to entice them.

Oh. You should see this place.

- Is it dripping with macramé? - Snob.

Pot calls kettle. [ Chuckles ] It really is incredible.

It's like the Montana version of Hearst Castle.

[ Shutter Clicks ]

Oh. You again. Can I help you?

You do realize this is a private residence?

Yeah. I'm aware of that.

You're not Robert Lazarre.

Not the last time I checked, no.

- He lets me use it whenever he's out of town. - Oh, I see.

I just came to check it out.

Are you enjoying the view?

Let's just say Montana's not all it's cracked up to be.

[ Laughs ] It'll grow on you.

[ Giggles ] Don't count on it.

I'm gonna go inside and go photograph the inside of the house.

Don't leave on my account. I'm not.

I believe I got what I came for.

Oh. Well, I'm flattered.

Don't be.

Did you find your way up the mountain okay?

Or did you need roadside assistance to escort you?

Your reputation precedes you, Ms. Baxter.

Better to have one than be invisible, Mr.--

Oh, Albrecht. Will Albrecht.

You have a nice day, Mr. Albrecht.

[ Giggles ]

[ Laughing ] I cannot believe you said that to Will.

What did he say?

I'm sure he's still trying to come up with a clever comeback, but I can assure you he blushed.

All of him.

Did you get lost?

Now, why would you ask me that?

- Hey, Eric. - Hey, Jan.

Hey, E.J. Hey.

Uh, we had some extra Kalispell calendars down at the bank.

I thought before we trashed them, maybe you could use them here at the tourist board.

Sure. Great.

So, E.J., uh, how are you settling in?

If there's anything you need,

you know, moving stuff or whatnot--

Thank you. You're all so friendly here.

Do you all know each other, or are you just members of the same cult?

No. We-- We just try to be nice.

Weird.

I'm taking E.J. out for drinks later on. Maybe you'd like to join us.

I would. Oh.

I mean, I would, but we got a squad meeting down at the rescue station.

No biggie. We'll do it another time.

Yeah. Absolutely. Another time.

Thanks for the calendars. Oh, right. Yeah.

So, have a great day.

Bye. Bye.

[ Door Opens ] [ Bell Jingles ]

[ Door Closes ] So, what's going on between you two?

Oh, we've been doing this protracted dance around each other for months.

Every time he takes two steps closer to me, he freaks and steps away.

Yeah. Exactly what I want to hang on my wall.

Scenery I look at every day. [ Chuckles ]

I'm sure you'd rather be looking at him. Wouldn't you?

Who wouldn't? [ Giggles ]

Well, I hope you're up for getting liquored up tonight, because I am.

Jan?

Plans have just changed. We have someplace else we need to be.

[ Men Chattering ] [ Man ] Uh, excuse me.

- Did you say naked? - You mean totally?

- That's the basic idea of a naked calendar. - [ Coughing ]

I'm sorry. Does someone have a cold?

No, um, but someone needs her head examined...

if she thinks resorting to cheap gimmicks is a good idea.

[ Men Murmuring, Chattering ] Okay, guys. Hear me out.

Now, in the past your fund-raising efforts haven't really shown your true assets.

- Which are? - You men.

You're great at what you do.

But you need new and updated equipment in order to do your job.

What's going to happen if and when there's another avalanche?

She's got a point. If tourists are worried for their safety, they'll go to Idaho, or Aspen.

- Thank you. - I don't think I'm gonna pose in my birthday suit.

I haven't been in a bathing suit since I was, like, 22 or so.

- [ All Laughing ] - Think of this as more sexy than naked, David.

But with humor, and in good taste, of course.

I don't want my kids to see this.

No one is actually going to see anything.

You'll have things to cover up. Cover what?

Certain... body parts.

No, I think he means what kind of things.

Oh. Sorry. Uh, tools of your trade.

Like the ax and the snowblower. Helmets.

[ Laughing Continues ]

Okay. Okay, it's funny.

But here I have a detailed breakdown...

of other calendars similar to the ones I'm talking about...

and what they've earned over the past three years.

Exactly. It's a tired idea.

Between calendar sales, corporate sponsorship and extra cash from the publicity,

you'll see the difference between what you've already raised and what you need.

That's if it sells out.

In any case, it's better than the $112 you've made from selling cupcakes.

Hey, look. I-- I get this. I do.

I'm just, um-- I'm afraid about losing customers.

Ah. That's where you're wrong, Les.

- You own the kitchen design store, right? - Yeah.

That means the majority of your customers are women.

So when it comes time for them to resurface their cabinets,

they'll think of the hot search and rescue guy hanging on their wall.

Okay, guys, guys, listen. It's been done a million times.

And when no one buys it, I guarantee you--

This idea isn't about you, Will.

Hey, don't you think some of us are past our sell-by date?

Dave's right. I mean, who's gonna want to buy a picture of him?

- [ All Laughing ] - You know what? You're real men.

And there's nothing more appealing and sexy than a man who's comfortable--

In his own skin.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Now, I realize this idea is slightly unconventional.

But you guys need to raise a lot of money.

And yes, you don't know me yet.

But I'm asking each and every one of you to take a leap of faith.

When I moved here, I realized that this station was at the core of Kalispell.

Every family has been touched by it and depends on you.

You're right to be proud of what you do.

So I hope you all will do whatever it takes to get the rescue station you so deserve.

I've heard people from New York don't like to get touchy-feely, but you are awesome, E.J.

We really needed someone like you to kick some butt.

Thank you. [ Door Opens ]

Oh, good morning, Mr. Albrecht.

Can I get you some coffee? Uh, no, thank you.

I just came by to tell you-- I'm glad you did.

I don't think we should waste any more time. I realized before I left--

The squad voted no.

But, uh, thank you for thinking of us.

- What do you mean, no? - Well, we are funded through the county's--

In this economy, you're going to be waiting a long time before you--

I know that, which is why we supplement our fund-raising with--

Pancake breakfasts? Bake sales?

Even if the entire state of Montana had a bake sale, you still wouldn't raise enough to--

I'm sorry. Don't you want new equipment?

What I don't want is to make a joke of the rescue squad.

Well, then explain something to me, because I'm obviously missing something.

Yes, obviously.

So you don't mind being naked, but you won't pose, even partially covered,

to raise money for something you profess to believe in?

Why is this so important to you?

I was brought here to lure corporate retreats.

People aren't going to spend money where they don't feel safe.

Oh, so you're doing all this for purely altruistic reasons,

to help people you'll never see or think about again as soon as you can get out of here...

with no thought whatsoever how this can benefit your own career.

That is so unfair on so many levels. You're saying it's bad if I look good?

Shh.

People will hear you.

You might get knocked off your pedestal.

[ Bell Jingles ]

That man oughta be locked up.

That's just Will. He's always happiest when he's got something to be angry about.

- He's really great when you get to know him. - Yeah?

Well, they said even Hitler was charming when he was courting Eva Braun.

Ugh.

[ E.J. Sighs ]

You know, there are 13 men on the rescue squad and only 12 months.

I don't even need him to pose.

- Maybe you should just forget about the whole thing. - Now, why would I do that?

I don't want you to be disappointed if it doesn't happen.

Oh, it's going to happen. It just hasn't happened yet.

You're always saying E.J. is the expert, Bob.

If someone is willing to pay to see you without your clothes on, I say go for it.

But, Bonnie, I have a position to uphold.

Will people still respect me if I pose?

I can assure you, Mayor Bob, you will not lose your dignity.

He has dignity?

[ Jan ] I can't believe you convinced Mayor Bob.

Well, he finally realized I'm a pit bull and I wasn't gonna let it go until he gave in.

Jan, seven down, five to go.

You're right. It affects us all.

I would do it, but it would upset Laura.

Laura, you're not looking at the big picture.

No, I get it. You're doing this so you can hit on Rick.

No, I'm not. I'm envious.

You're so lucky you have a husband who puts your feelings above everybody else.

The rescue boat does need patching.

E.J., you did not have to do this.

Well, it's my way of saying thank you, Henry.

I would've never gotten Rick without your help. Thank you. I appreciate it.

Just don't eat too many before the shoot. [ Laughs ] Yeah.

As far as Andy and Jim, they're brothers, so I was thinking of taking them to dinner and--

Together? Yes.

Trust me. You do not want to do that.

Why don't I? Because they're not gonna listen.

They're gonna spend the whole time trying to see which one's gonna get the waitress's number.

Have they always been like that? Ever since Little League.

When they were on the same team, they would strike out every time.

But when they were playing against each other, suddenly they were hitting grand slams.

I think I can work with that.

But in case they won't pose, you could arrest them. I can't do that.

Club them into submission? Stun gun? Sorry. Not gonna happen.

Yeah, well, it was worth a shot.

[ Laughs ]

It's not happening, E.J. Okay. No biggie, Jim.

I guess it'll just be Andy.

It's not happening, E.J. There's lots of other guys who'll do it.

I know. It's just that I would be offending you if I asked Jim to pose and not you.

I know my brother, and there's no way he's posing.

I'm not posing, E.J., and Andy won't if I won't.

- Too late, Jim. - What? Andy said yes?

Jim said yes?

E.J., I can't believe what a stink this calendar is creating around here.

I say good for you. That's sweet.

Thanks, Diane.

[ Groaning ]

Well, Miss Baxter. Mr. Albrecht.

How about that? We actually have something in common.

We both go to the post office on Saturdays.

Hmm. I imagine a lot of people do.

I'm sure you're right. Enjoying your day?

Mmm. Just doing errands. Me too.

You'll be surprised to know that I haven't gotten lost once yet today.

Well, it's not even noon yet, so-- [ Chuckles ]

Yeah, Saturday mornings are all about errands for me.

But then I always head to this little brunch place down the block.

- Nice. - Yeah.

It's real nice. It's got great food. Mmm. You enjoy yourself.

Oh, do you know where the nearest Kinko's is?

I never had a need to look before, but since that calendar is actually happening...

Jan and I can't do all the copying by ourselves, so--

We don't have a Kinko's. No Kinko's?

No Kinko's.

How can that be?

I thought there was a law that said there had to be a Kinko's on every corner next to a Gap.

We don't have a Gap either. That's not even funny.

But I think there's one in Billings.

I don't know what that is, but I need to go there. How close is it?

Oh, it's not too bad. About 10 hours, depending on the road conditions.

Ain't it awful?

I'm not gonna be here forever, so don't worry. I'll try not to sweat it.

Just because I have a different way of doing things doesn't make it wrong, just different.

I get that you don't think I belong here...

and you have zero respect for what I'm trying to do.

But you know what? I don't care. Not even remotely.

And I get that you think I act like I've landed on the moon.

And you know what? You don't have to tell me that.

Because for the past six months, I've felt like I've been living on another planet.

So for the future, let's be polite...

and agree we disagree and leave it at that, shall we?

Henry.

Hey there, E.J. Hey. You're always so helpful.

- Can you tell me where to get copies made in this town? - There's a place on Railway.

And that's that way? Let me show you.

Very good. Elbow low and close.

It's all about the natural flex of the rod.

I guess the fish aren't in a biting mood.

Otherwise your basket would be totally full by now.

Uh-huh. Jason, I'm serious.

Deep down, I'm a real outdoorsy kind of girl.

[ Chuckles ] You didn't have to sign up for a lesson to get me to pose.

I just wanted to say thank you for your support.

I know it was you who tried to convince the guys.

I don't know what the big deal is.

I'm for any good excuse to display the wares.

[ Screams ] Whoa!

I got one! I got one!

No! I'm gonna land this sucker! I'm gonna land this sucker!

Whoo! I got it! Reel it in there! Reel it in!

[ Laughs ] You know what gets me?

People who have no problem with graphic violence...

but are horrified by the slightest display of the human body.

No wonder the rest of the world thinks we're nuts. Mmm.

[ E.J. ] Speaking of the disapprovers.

[ Jason ] Ah. Will.

He's a piece of work.

You know, the thing is, we used to be best friends.

We practically grew up together.

And then when his sporting goods stores became successful,

he had a chance to help me get the job I really wanted.

- But instead, he made sure they didn't hire me. - Why?

Will's all about Will. Always has been, always will be.

He dumped his fiancée the morning of their wedding. Shut up.

Oh, yeah.

No one really knows what happened, but it was bad enough she left town first thing.

Well, she's better off.

The point is, life is too short.

Now, I don't let Will screw up my happiness. Neither should you.

[ Giggles ]

[ Announcer ] Marcus running with a pass down low!

[ Patrons Cheering ] Yeah! Now we're cookin'!

Hey, E.J. Eric.

I've been looking for you. Can we talk for a second? Sure.

What do you know about the Grizzlies?

I really had no idea there was such a big bear problem up here.

I meant the team. Oh, I knew that. Football.

Basketball. I meant basketball.

- And football. - Okay, you know what? Ignore him, E.J.

All the U.M. teams here are called the Grizzlies. Thank you.

You want a drink? Sure.

It's on my tab.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Now leave. Well, that's not very neighborly of you.

What? Do you want to be alone with Eric?

Are you two on a date? What are you, 12?

You know what? You should stay here, because when I tell Eric about your--

How shall I put it? Shortcomings.

I bet he won't think twice about posing.

Really? Mm-hmm. Saw it with my own green eyes.

Have you asked Dr. Mike to pose yet? He said yes.

Well, while you were there, did you get your eyes checked?

Because you obviously have a depth perception problem.

There you go.

What did I miss? Nothing.

Not a thing. Mm-mmm.

Whoa. Red rover, red rover.

Well, here's to that. I know. Cheers!

Hey, ladies.

Ugh! Is he always such a pig?

Hey. He wouldn't be my best friend since sixth grade if he was.

Well, you're not in sixth grade anymore.

Eric, if you pose, this calendar becomes a reality...

and the station will get everything that they--

What is that?

It's a powder hound. What? Um--

No? No, I-I--

Excuse me. Could I please get a Lillet on the rocks, please?

- A what? - Oh, just make it a scotch, anything.

You ever heard of it?

Look, I-I know why this is important, E.J., and it isn't about Will.

I just-- I can't. I mean, I hate getting my picture taken.

But you're so adorable.

I bet your mother has pictures of you hanging up all over her house.

Oh, no. My-- My parents are very religious.

I could never let them see it. Mmm, I see.

Eric, when they write your obituary why wouldn't you want them to say,

amongst all the other good things,

that you did this charitable thing for your entire community?

You know what? That-- That might be the smartest thing you've ever said.

[ Laughing ] Thank you.

That's what I wanted to hear.

Cheers.

What are we celebrating?

The fact that this calendar is actually going to happen.

Well, you haven't gotten me yet.

Ever heard of a baker's dozen? I only need 12.

You're the one I throw away.

I know I'm asking a huge favor, Max, but I really want them to look great.

You're the only one I trust to shoot it.

- It's the printer. - Tell them I need to discuss desaturation with them.

No, no. No, no, no.

- It has to be shot before you go to Paris for fashion week. - She'll be right with you.

Really? Max, thank you. I love you.

I'll call you next week with the details, Max. Thank you. I love you.

Printer's waiting. Oh, crap.

Oh, Hank, man, you missed a great game on Thursday.

I know. I heard the Crusaders crushed Stillwater.

What? Are you kidding me?

You waxed your chest? Yeah. We do have a shoot coming up.

Doesn't mean he can't look good.

Protein bar?

There's nothing wrong with trying to stay in shape.

Oh. Oh, yeah?

How many reps you do with your nose hair clippers, Scotty?

The whole point of this thing was we were supposed to look natural.

You know, you are looking kind of pale, Les.

You know, you're not gonna get any darker looking in that mirror there, buddy.

[ Chuckling ]

What I expected, you know? This calendar is making everybody nuts.

You hear what Jan did to Bob?

She caught him eating a doughnut.

She grabs it out of his hand and says,

"The idea is to sell the calendars."

I don't know. Jan's never been so bossy before.

Well, she's never hung out with E.J. before.

I'm thinking of asking Jan out.

Yeah, well, you know what you're getting yourself into.

Just don't expect her to act any different once E.J. leaves town.

I mean, that is if Jan doesn't go with her.

Uh, you're probably right.

Anyway, it was just an idea.

[ Jason ] I can't believe I never realized...

what a perverse movie The Wizard of Oz is.

[ Chuckles ] Seriously, you've got this lonely girl...

who lives in a black-and-white world in Kansas.

No friends. Well, except her dog.

If she stays there, she's gonna waste her life.

Then she gets to go someplace exciting, in color.

Lots of adventure and friends and a big future.

And all she can do is moan, "There's no place like home"?

[ Chuckles ] I mean, by the end I was rooting for the witch.

[ Gasps ]

[ Roz ] E.J., The Wizard of Oz?

You of all people wouldn't be caught dead doing that in New York.

Well, I've seen The Wizard of Oz a million times, but I've never seen it in a theater.

It was really fun. And your date?

It was fun too. Are you gonna see him again?

Uh-huh. He asked me to go to an "ab-sailing" party.

I've got to figure out what to wear.

Excuse me. What do you think?

Um, it's a look.

[ Scoffs ] You're right!

I've got to find something for a sailing party...

and they haven't yet opened a Barney's in this town. Thank God.

A breath of fresh cynicism. You can't be from around here.

Oh, I'm a New Yorker. I'm only here temporarily.

You're not E.J. Baxter, are you? I am. Who are you?

Sonya Kendall. Gravitational Navigational G.P.S. Systems Sonya Kendall?

No other.

It used to be me and my ex-husband...

until I bought him out as part of our divorce settlement.

Since then, profits are up 15%.

Nice. Mm-hmm.

When I got your press kit,

I was so impressed that I thought I'd take a quiet look-see around.

But I'm worried this place is so quiet, you'd swear it was a morgue.

Mmm, well, it's not what you're used to in Chicago,

but it is the perfect place for your corporate retreat.

Trust me. As a city girl, you can really recharge your batteries here.

Well, my Zen master told me learning to fish might relieve my stress.

Oh! Oh, I have the perfect instructor for you.

His name is Jason. Call him.

I'm the last person on earth who'd ever thought she'd get into fishing, but trust me.

- It's done wonders for me. - Really?

Mm-hmm.

So is this sailing do on a yacht?

[ Chuckling ] I'll be lucky if it's not a blowup raft.

- [ Chuckles ] - [ Phone Beeps ]

Oh, hang on. [ Beeps ]

Hello? [ Jason ] Hey, it's me.

Oh, hang on. [ Beeps ]

Roz, I'll call you back.

Hi, Jason. I'm so sorry.

But I'm not gonna be able to make it.

I'm stuck in bed with the weirdest allergic reaction, or food poisoning.

My ears are all stuffed up. I'm so sorry.

Oh, no. I'm sorry. I hope you feel better.

There'll be other parties. Do you need anything?

Yeah. For you to go without me and have a great time.

Bye. [ Line Clicks ]

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

Hello.

Interesting outfit.

That's not a lake. Aren't we going sailing?

No. We're going abseiling.

You do know abseiling is going down a mountain on a rope?

- Doesn't everybody? - [ Chuckling ]

Where's Jason?

He's very sorry. He's not feeling well.

Mm-hmm.

- [ Chattering ] - Ow!

Eric.

You want to help me into this?

You know what? Ask Bonnie. She's probably better at it than I am.

- Okay. All set. - [ Kissing ]

Okay, I'm first. All right. Remember the motto.

Safety first. And the other one?

Don't die. That's right.

- Get the lead out, Eric. Let's go. - Your wife's bossy, David.

You're preaching to the choir, man.

You ready? Double back?

Yeah, good. You good? Good.

One. Two.

Three. Let's go.

Let's go. Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

- [ Cheering ] - Looking good.

All right!

E.J., why don't you give it a try?

Oh. Thanks. But only my drinks are on the rocks.

You'll be surprised how much fun it is.

Mmm. Dangling over a cliff is way out of my comfort zone.

Weren't you the one that wanted us all to take a leap of faith?

Yeah, I thought that, uh, stepping off the edge was your kind of thing.

- Well? - Will, don't torment her.

E.J., you don't have to do it if you don't want to.

Don't let him goad you. You can always hike down.

There's another way down?

Yeah. But it's a hiking trail, not an elevator.

You know what? I'm dying to do this.

Dying.

Off rappel.

You wanna go again? Let's do it.

Race you to the top. All right!

Okay, so look. Nothing can happen. All right?

You're clipped into that rope, and that roped is anchored to that giant rock.

- So don't worry. - Yeah. You're fine, E.J. Trust Will.

He can do this with his eyes closed.

Yeah, it's a good idea.

Ha. Funny.

Just out of curiosity,

how far, um, down is it?

Uh, that is, like, 90, 100 feet.

Look, just-- just-- just stare at your feet...

and feed the rope through nice and slow.

I can do it. I got the safety lecture. I know what I'm doing.

Okay. Well, then...

lean back... very gently into your harness.

This rope's gonna take my weight? Oh, yeah.

That could take the weight of a bus and it wouldn't break. I'm not a bus.

No. No, you're-- you're not a bus.

You're not even a moped.

No.

Okay. There you go.

Lean back slowly. Real gently.

That's it.

Nice and easy. Feed the rope through.

Nice.

- Nice. - You're doing great!

That's it. Just feed the rope through nice and easy.

Great.

Great. You're doing great.

Keep the legs wide apart. Slow and steady.

Nice work, E.J. Yeah.

Just take it slow. You're doing awesome!

You're doing great, E.J.

That's it!

How's the view?

Oh, this is fantastic!

I love it! [ Chuckles ] Wow.

It's very far... down.

Keep going. You got it.

See? Not so bad. That's it.

Just like I taught you.

Look at you! You're a pro!

[ Groaning ]

- E.J.-- - [ Gasping ]

Hey, E.J., you okay?

[ Groans ]

What happened? Give me a helmet.

Will, what's wrong?

What did she do? Can you see what's going on?

- I think she gripped up. - Here I come!

E.J., stay calm!

Will's comin' to get you!

[ Gasping ]

All right, E.J., just hold tight. I'm on my way.

There we go.

You okay? Huh?

Are you faint or dizzy? Mm-mmm.

Okay, can you move? Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

Yeah, you can. You can move. Real nice and easy. Just let the rope out.

- No. - Why not?

Fall. No. You can't-- You can't fall, okay?

I promise, you can't. I'm gonna help you down.

Okay. Now listen, E.J. I know you can do this.

[ Gasps ]

So it's you I've got to trust?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm afraid so.

- Oh-- - Your life is in my hands.

How about that? Come on now. I know you can do this.

You ready? Mm-hmm.

Let's go, really nice and slow. Just let the rope out just a little.

There. You got it. You're fine. Where's the floor?

It's right here. You're coming. Great job.

That's great.

[ E.J. Gasping ]

[ Giggling ]

[ Eric ] Hey, E.J. We saw what happened there.

Are you okay? Yeah.

Then again, I had a good teacher. Yeah. Yeah, you did.

Wait until Jason sees the pictures that David took.

He's gonna want to take you up here himself. Yeah.

You think so? Yeah. I'm sure he'd love to.

Will, I just wanted to say...

thank you.

Yeah, take care.

Hey, it's Jason. You know what to do.

[ Beeps ] Hi, it's E.J. The flowers are gorgeous.

You really shouldn't have. But I'm glad you did.

I hope you're feeling better and-- [ Beeps ]

You have a visitor. Who?

Can I speak to you? By all means, Mr. Albrecht.

Sorry I didn't call first.

Apology accepted.

So tell me. How can the Tourist Bureau help you today?

How do you stand it in here? You know, really, uh-- really stuffy.

Sadly, the weather is beyond my control.

- Shall I open a window? - No, no, no, no. It's fine. I just, um--

Well, first of all, my business partners and I...

have been giving this calendar some careful consideration.

And I've decided-- Um, uh, we've decided...

that, um, we'd like to sponsor it.

We'll pay for all the production costs, which will, um,

make the, uh, final profit... higher.

Well, this is a very generous offer, but I'm a little confused.

Uh-- Well, I admit that I still have my misgivings about the whole thing.

But as long as the calendar's gonna go ahead, we might as well...

try and make it as successful as possible.

So you're doing this for purely altruistic reasons...

with no thoughts whatsoever of how this might help your own business.

[ Chuckles ]

Um, look, i-it's a natural tie-in to our store.

But more importantly, I like... to help people.

And-- And sometimes people get hurt, you know?

And I don't know. You don't mean for them to get hurt, but people--

I'm sorry. What are you trying to say?

I have feelings for you.

And it's awful.

I mean, you are bossy...

and you're rude and-- and way too opinionated.

And you're arrogant. God, are you arrogant.

I mean, you really do think that God created the world with your help.

It's-- [ Chuckles ]

I-I-- I'd hoped that these feelings would pass,

but, well, the heart feels what the heart feels.

- Even if it makes the stomach ill? - I see we're on the same page.

I don't know when I've ever heard it put more eloquently.

In the past when someone has told me he has feelings for me that I don't share,

I've done whatever I could to ease the pain.

But that was then! No, no, no.

Look, I'm just as repulsed by this as you are.

Repulsed? No, no, no. Not repulsed.

Look. Would you rather me have lied and pretended that I was happy?

I can't imagine that you-- That I wouldn't be thrilled?

What woman could resist you after hearing that?

You know, I wouldn't be interested in you...

if this was I Am Legend and you were the last man on earth.

But even if I wasn't sickened by you,

the fact that you delight in ruining other people's lives--

Oh, whoa. Hold on. What?

Jason. Are you even going to deny that you cost him a job?

[ Chuckles ] Oh, yeah, Jason.

He's had a real tough time of it.

If I'm not being too rude, can I ask you, how well do you know Jason?

Ah, well enough. And you're always rude.

Mmm. Well, excuse me for warning you to be careful.

As to the other purpose of your visit--

while we appreciate your very generous offer, we already have a major sponsor.

Oh, really? Who?

A company much bigger than yours.

Hmm.

[ Door Closes ]

- E.J.? - Hmm?

- What major sponsor? - I will find one.

How do I get to Buffalo Hill Drive?

- Isn't it about time you got yourself a G.P.S.? - I don't need a G.P.S.!

Actually, I do.

I love it. Real men instead of the usual bunch of bruisers...

on weekend detention.

My team and I all agree-- we'd love to sponsor it, E.J.

That is fantastic news. Thank you so much, Sonya.

Yes. Talk soon.

Yes. [ Bells Jingle ]

Mike. Are you ready for tomorrow?

Why aren't you outside doing some crunches?

[ Sighs ]

Mike, you can't back out now.

I've tried to convince myself that I could do this.

I have exercised. I stayed off carbs.

I even... waxed.

But I can't pose.

It's natural to be nervous. But just think about--

The squad? Oh, believe me, I have.

You convinced me that this is a great idea.

I'll go door-to-door. I'll sell as many calendars as I can.

Just show up tomorrow and see how you feel.

It's killing me to know that I'll be letting down the rescue squad.

Maybe a little drink will help you relax. We can do that.

[ Chuckles ] Even if I got blind drunk, I still wouldn't be able to do it.

I wish you could convince me, but you can't.

E.J., I really need to talk to you.

- Max, I need a minute. - I'm sorry,

but we really have a million details to discuss about the shoot tomorrow.

** [ Pop Intro ]

- Nice. - * If you're paying all your dues off *

- Won't look. - * Come on, baby Take your shoes off *

- Uh, could you lose the jacket? - * We're going back out on the dance floor *

* We're gonna show 'em what you're made of *

* Shake it back *

* And now I got your attention *

* Got your body purring like an engine *

Max, don't worry.

Come on. I got it. David, come on out. We need to see you.

It's cold. Ow. I know it's cold, but it's gonna--

It's not cold. There you go. That's great. Yeah, it is.

* I know you got rhythm and I know you got soul *

* But there ain't nothin' here for us, baby *

- * Gotta get outta town * - * Get, get, get out *

- * We gotta get outta town * - * Get, get, get out *

- * We gotta get outta town * - * Get, get, get out *

* We gotta get outta * Try this.

For me?

* Na, na, na, na na, na, na, na *

* Na, na, na, na na, na, na, na *

* Well, if you're feeling kind of locked down * You want that.

* When you should be feeling knocked out *

Rick, at me.

- * I'm gonna stop your heart bleeding * - [ Shutter Clicking ]

* Shake it back *

* Nine, eight, seven, six five, four, three *

* Everything is backwards here *

Here you go. This?

Yeah. Good. All right.

- * Gotta get outta town * - * Get, get, get out *

* We gotta get outta town *

No, I don't think so. * We gotta get outta town *

* Get, get, get out *

* We gotta get outta town * * Get, get, get out *

Ah.

Oh. [ Yelps ]

- Sorry. - [ Laughing ]

He likes you.

[ Squeaking ] Buster. Uh--

We just want you to pretend that you're having fun, enjoying yourself.

And--

** [ Vocalizing ]

- * I kiss you once * - Very good.

* All right I kiss you twice *

- Whoop. - * That's fine I kiss you three times *

* One more time I kiss you four times *

* Baby, you're mine you're mine *

* If you're chasing down a lost cause *

* You gotta run at it at full force *

* You can't be pulling any punches *

* Oh, you know you gotta live for something *

* Well, shake it back *

* Well, I know you got rhythm and I know you got soul *

- That doesn't suck. - That doesn't suck at all.

- * Gotta get outta town * - * Get, get, get out *

- * I gotta get outta town * - Buster.

* You gotta get outta town *

* Get, get, get out *

- * You gotta get outta town * - [ Grunts ]

- Oh. - * Need to get outta town *

* Get, get, get out *

* Get, get, get get outta town *

* Get, get, get out *

* Get, get, get get outta town * * Get, get, get out *

- * Get, get, get get outta town * - * Get, get, get out **

[ Shrieks ]

- Hey! - Hey! That's it.

[ Both Shriek ]

You still don't have Mr. December.

Mm-hmm. Marci, are there any former members of the squad we could ask?

Trust me, none that anyone would ever want to look at,

even with their clothes on.

- Maybe we could do a Christmas group shot. - [ Phone Rings ]

- No. I want this to be so great-- - Kalispell Tourism.

that not just the people around here buy it but, say, People magazine or Oprah calls.

We get to explain to them why this was important and why the guys stood behind it.

Okay. Thanks. I'll tell her.

We've got a Mr. December.

[ Chattering ]

[ Nickers ]

Ah.

[ Blusters ]

[ Giggles ]

[ Beeps ] Hey, it's Jason.

Sorry. I have to cancel again.

No, I'm not sick. I might actually have a really good job.

I'll be out of town for a while.

I don't want to talk about it yet because I know it'll jinx it.

But wish me good luck. Bye. [ Beeps ]

Dump him.

The E.J. I know wouldn't take that from a guy.

I know. It's bothering me that it's not bothering me.

- Does the thought of him give you butterflies? - No.

There's your answer. He was never anything but the rebound guy.

- Oh, my God. - I know. I'm damn good.

It's not that. It's the first time I've driven to work without getting lost.

** [ Country ]

Eddie, can we get another round?

Say, do I know you?

What's goin' on?

I mean, I admit the face looks familiar but--

Yeah, okay, Eddie. Cut the crap.

Sorry. I didn't mean to insult you guys. I didn't recognize any of you with your clothes on.

[ Cackling ]

- Sorry. Couldn't resist. - You know--

Don't say it, Bob. I have to.

I'm serious. If you say it, I'll punch you.

- Did we just make the biggest mistake of our lives? - Why did you have to say it?

Hey, guys. I've seen the photos.

And you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Really? Yeah.

- You look incredibly hot. - Come on.

You oughta use yours as your next campaign poster, Mr. Mayor.

Well, there might be something to that.

- Can I have you sign mine? - Like an autograph?

Yeah.

[ Man ] Check it out. Check it out. [ Laughter ]

That's enough, guys. This is a respectable establishment. I know what to do with this.

Yeah, thank you.

[ Laughter ] Hah?

No, come on!

These are really great. Mmm.

You've caught the essence of each guy perfectly.

Wait till you see them after they're Photoshopped. I don't know if we should.

But they'll look so much sexier. I know, but--

And this is a bad thing? No. It is not a bad thing.

And you know me. I'm always the one to scream for more airbrushing...

so everyone looks perfect, but look at that.

True beauty right there.

Hi.

Oh, yes. Mr. December. Hello.

Hey, again.

You win. We go with the natural look.

Thank you, Max. They are fabulous.

Hmm.

So, no doubt...

that you can't believe that I find the aesthetic appeal--

You need to shut up.

[ Giggles ]

Ooh. I'm, uh-- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-- No, no. You shut up.

Was I really such an uptight bitch when you met me?

Yeah, you were horrible. [ Chuckles ]

I'm very sorry.

But you were lovely. Was I really such an arrogant jerk?

[ Chuckles ] Nothing more than normal. Ooh.

Well, I am very sorry.

But you were hot.

I know. Oh, my God.

You know, I kept thinking that I should probably,

you know, ask you to hand me a towel so I could cover up before I got out of the pool.

But, no, somehow I just couldn't.

[ Chuckles ] Remember how I pretended I wasn't looking?

Mm-hmm. I was.

- Well, I hope so. - Oh, but--

[ Doorbell Rings ] Oh.

I'll get rid of that.

It fit perfectly.

On you, it's a maxi. On me, it's a mini.

I can't thank you enough. And David thanks you even m--

Hey, Marci.

Will?

Oh, no. You're not gonna find any, um,

drawn knives or smashed pots.

[ Giggles ]

If you're coming home for the holidays, you better make your reservations now.

I don't think I'm gonna make it. But the calendar will have already been launched.

I just want to spend Christmas with Will.

Ooh, I thought Christmas didn't mean anything to you.

I don't know what you're talking about. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

At least let us come out then for Thanksgiving. We haven't seen you in a century.

Howie and I want to meet the people who live in the hole in the ground.

Might be a little soon. Will and I just want to hang in our own space.

But-- But you're having 12 people over for Thanksgiving dinner.

I don't really think it's your kind of scene.

You're not gonna let me meet him till after your third anniversary.

I'm at work. I gotta go. Bye. [ Beeps ]

Coffee shop on Meridian. Excellent.

What?

Oh.

[ Giggling ]

** [ Rock ] [ Chattering ]

That photo-- that was taken right next to my place.

I think they turned out really nice.

* I like to rock *

* I like to rock *

Oh, come on, hon. Stand there. Perfect.

Oh, you've never looked cuter.

Wow. It's, like, professional.

I figured it would be this small little thing.

** [ Continues ]

You look really good, Henry. I think I look like crap.

No, Les. You look great. I just look better.

Excuse me. Would you guys sign my calendar? Sure.

Thanks. Can I get you guys too?

Yeah, I'll sign that. This is so exciting.

[ Man ] Hey, E.J. Great party. Hi.

Hi.

[ Chuckling ] [ Phone Ringing ]

[ Beeps ]

Congratulations, darling.

I'm just mad about your new venture.

- [ Beeps ] - [ Line Clicks ]

- Say beer! - Beer!

[ Chuckling ] Excellent, y'all. Congratulations. I told you.

** [ Rock ]

Jan looks hot tonight.

Occasionally I can be wrong.

** [ Continues ]

Now we know why Laura didn't show. You two can't be sure.

Maybe he's just-- No, trust me.

She is not hiring Rick to be her plumber.

I thought he and Laura were happy.

Oh, honey, I love you.

** [ Ends ] [ Applause ]

** [ Ballad ]

Great. [ Indistinct ]

Thanks so much for your time. Thank you.

I love this song. I, uh-- I can't dance.

[ Chuckles ] Don't worry. I'll be gentle.

Come here.

I know you told me, but I just didn't believe it.

Hmm. Hell has frozen over.

* The last thing that we talked about *

* Was the first thing that we *

What? Dance.

Excuse me. Shall we?

[ Phone Ringing ]

My butt's vibrating. [ Laughs ] Ignore it.

[ Ringing Continues ] Just ignore it.

* So far so bad *

* Is all that I can think about *

Thanks.

Have you seen this?

Someone's started a campaign against the calendar.

They're saying children shouldn't be allowed to see it.

But no one's seen it. It's crazy.

There's nothing pornographic about it. I know.

Still, the more they scream, the more calendars we'll sell.

Good. Good.

[ Ringing Continues ] Uh-- Hello?

Playing hard to get. Very cute.

Now look, my spies e-mailed me your saucy little calendar.

Darling, let's let bygones be has-beens, shall we?

What's one pair of Gucci pumps between friends?

- [ Scoffs ] - [ Line Clicks ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Clears Throat ]

Hi.

- E.J. - Hi.

I-- I-- Hi.

[ Ringing ] Oh. Sorry.

That's okay.

- Uh, you've been-- - I know.

- I've been bad. No excuses. - Oh, no. No, I'm glad you're back.

- Uh, did you get the job? - Yeah.

That's great. That's great. Um, tell me about it.

Well, it's in Chicago. And, uh--

Oh, there you are. I don't know how to thank you, E.J.

- For what? - Well, I reeled in more than a fish.

- I got a great boyfriend. - [ Gasps ]

Well, he was just telling me about his good fortune.

Oh.

She probably felt entitled to a souvenir.

Who knows? Maybe they're the answer to each other's prayers.

Actually, we should publicize it.

"Local calendar man strikes it rich."

I know you don't want to hear this, but Will was right to warn you about Jason.

Yes, I know you'll kill me if ever I mention it to him.

Mm-hmm. Good night.

Okay. Of course.

[ Phone Ringing ]

Oh.

[ Beeps ] Hello?

At least here me out, okay?

It's not often that I admit that I made a... mistake.

Come back to work. If it'll seal the deal, I'll fire Noah.

We're both too professional to let such an unimpressive man come between us.

Oh, I totally agree, but I'm not sure E.J. will.

Who the hell is this?

Excuse me. I think you might want to take this.

Hello?

What's the matter?

Don't tell anyone, but I think E.J.'s moving back to New York.

It would be a lot more money, a high-profile--

It's a fantastic opportunity, E.J.

I mean, your job is-- is done here,

and it's exactly what you've been waiting for.

Yeah, I've been thinking about it.

And I'd feel-- I-- I don't know--

uh, guilty for leaving...

before the publicity campaign for the calendar is fully launched.

And I know I'd miss all my friends at the rescue squad-- people I've met.

Well, I'm sure we'd miss you.

But we all know what you had to give up to come here.

I suppose everybody would get along just fine without me.

I can hardly expect them to chain me down and force me to stay.

Exactly. You can't force people to do something they can't do,

no matter how much you want 'em to.

You understand that, don't you?

I understand that perfectly. People are who they are.

Right. And you know who I am.

I'm the player who dumped his fiancée at the altar.

Now on a mission to bone and disown every woman in the state.

Thanks for living up to your reputation.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

[ Line Ringing ]

Hello, Lillah, it's E.J.

Yes, could I start before Thanksgiving? I want to hit the ground running.

Yep.

I am happy to announce that, thanks to calendar sales,

we expect to earn enough for a new helicopter by New Year's.

And that's just the beginning.

We didn't do it to become famous.

We did it to show people that we care about the search and rescue squad.

Now, truthfully, I'm a little worried that staring at me for 30 days...

will send women into wild fits of passion, but maybe that's not so bad.

It's all for the good of the town.

[ Bell Ringing ]

[ Woman ] Taxi!

I've gotten four phone calls just this morning...

from companies wanting to have their corporate retreats here.

Mmm. Too bad E.J.'s not here to see this.

Friday night? Let me see.

Yeah, I think Friday night could work.

Okay.

All right.

I'll see you then. Bye.

Bob said Jan got a call from some Hollywood producers. Mmm.

Well, I think, uh, Matthew McConaughey's gonna have to play me.

You know I love you more than anything in the world, right?

But if Matthew McConaughey plays you, I'm gonna play me.

** [ Alternative Intro ]

* I still see your name Still see your face *

* Remember the times Still feel the trace *

* Of your perfume walking out the door *

* I been livin' in my head *

* I can't get my feet on the floor *

* I been livin' in my head * [ Chuckling ]

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

Why are you acting like a tourist? I'm sorry.

Did I tell you about the condo Howie saw in Tribeca? Two bedrooms, three baths.

And the kitchen is nicer than the one I have at home.

Not that I would know how to use anything in it. Hmm.

How much? 4.9 mil.

All this for $525 a month?

Is that too much?

I'll take it.

You will? Well, we were gonna make an offer.

But if you-- if you really want it-- Want what?

The condo? Oh. Uh, 4.9? Are you insane?

Perhaps. I forgot to refill my Paxil.

Oh, honey, this place is sensational.

Oh. There's no sign on the door. It takes 'em a week to answer their unlisted number.

[ Gasps ] Stop it. Stop it.

Mother of pearl.

Oh. We should get one and just sniff it.

I'm guessing people here really get into eating carbs.

- Yeah. They passed a law. - [ Chuckles ]

Ugh. And I begged him, "Please play with the other dogs."

But he wouldn't. That's my fault. My fault.

I should've made more play dates for him when he was little.

And he wouldn't have so many socializing issues.

[ Chuckles ] * I been livin' in my head *

Where are you? Where are you? I'm sorry.

I know I'm not scintillating company. Another Christmas alone.

- Honey. - * I can't get my feet on the floor *

Give yourself some time, Emma Jane.

I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I'm great. All right. All right.

Did I say that with any sort of conviction? No. [ Laughs ]

I know it!

[ Woman On TV ] Don't forget this Sunday at 7:00 p.m.,

the annual Christmas tree lighting downtown on Main Street.

[ Phone Rings ] * I can't get my feet on the floor **

What? Hey, Will. It's me, Eric.

Climbers on Logan's Pass. Teenagers, by the sound of it.

I'll be right there. [ Beeps ]

[ E.J. ] Everybody knows how delicious your chicken is.

And certainly our advertising campaign will stress that.

But it is my job-- our job--

to also begin to remove the guilt of eating fast food...

with properly placed stories that highlight consumer studies...

that show the benefits of eating-- Excuse me.

E.J., it's for you on six. She'll call back.

She said it was urgent.

Uh-- Okay. I'm sorry. Excuse me.

I'm sorry. One minute.

- [ Beeps ] - E.J. Baxter.

It's Jan. I'm really sorry to bother you.

Kind of in a meeting right now. Can I call you back?

I've got some really bad news. You might want to sit down.

- Why? What happened? - Will's been in a bad accident.

He fell 50 feet during a rescue mission.

He's in Kalispell Regional.

Is he going to be all right? They don't know.

I really think you should come out here.

[ Sighs ] I'm the last person he wants to see.

You probably don't want to hear this,

but Eric finally told me that Will didn't walk out on his fiancée.

She walked out on him after he found out...

she slept with Jason the night before their wedding.

He begged her to stay, and she left him, which is why he couldn't ask you to stay.

So what you're saying is-- Darling!

Let's go. Okay? Everybody's got planes to catch and places to go, right?

Love to, Lillah, but I can't.

I have a plane to catch too.

Have you gone insane? Probably.

What?

[ Chattering ]

Can I help you?

Yes. Can you please tell me where the person is that was in this room?

He's gone.

Will. Wha--

What are you doing here? I mean, I-I-I--

I forgot something.

So did I.

Merry Christmas to me.

Mr. December is no longer available.

* Then a little white snow starts to fall * [ Clears Throat ]

More eggnog? Or are you two just gonna get a room?

** [ Continues ] You want me to warm it up?

[ Chattering ]

* Magic and dreams coming true *

* Na, na, na, na, na **

[ Dog Barking ]