Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:18,916 --> 00:00:20,227
Yeah, I'd love a noon facial
with David.
2
00:00:20,251 --> 00:00:22,553
Okay, is Lisa P. available?
Manicure, pedicure?
3
00:00:22,687 --> 00:00:23,954
No, it has to be Lisa P.
4
00:00:24,089 --> 00:00:25,399
I'll take any appointment
available.
5
00:00:25,423 --> 00:00:26,590
Oh, yeah, Lisa M. is fine.
6
00:00:26,691 --> 00:00:28,092
No, I will not see Philippe.
7
00:00:28,193 --> 00:00:30,513
Phillippe hurt me once and I
think I complained about that.
8
00:00:37,702 --> 00:00:39,970
Kegels?
9
00:00:40,071 --> 00:00:42,472
Hmm...
10
00:00:46,810 --> 00:00:48,144
Disgusting.
11
00:00:48,278 --> 00:00:49,456
What are you guys talking about?
12
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:51,013
Yeah, hi.
13
00:00:51,148 --> 00:00:52,982
I can't come in today.
14
00:00:53,117 --> 00:00:55,651
Well, then I quit.
15
00:00:58,455 --> 00:01:00,022
Do you wax?
16
00:01:03,226 --> 00:01:06,128
Okay... how's the asshole
reshaping?
17
00:01:06,229 --> 00:01:08,097
Should I get a
diamond or a heart?
18
00:01:08,231 --> 00:01:10,132
A four-leaf clover.
19
00:01:10,233 --> 00:01:13,468
I need all the luck I can get.
20
00:01:19,709 --> 00:01:21,243
Shit.
21
00:01:31,521 --> 00:01:34,722
Oh, hi! I thought
you were coming later.
22
00:01:34,857 --> 00:01:38,225
Do you want to have sex with me?
I do.
23
00:01:45,968 --> 00:01:48,369
Ugh...
24
00:01:48,704 --> 00:01:51,373
Oh.
25
00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:53,207
Come on, bitch.
26
00:01:53,341 --> 00:01:55,509
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
27
00:01:55,644 --> 00:01:57,978
Oh, my God, so you get
off holidays?
28
00:02:23,838 --> 00:02:26,772
♪
29
00:02:33,013 --> 00:02:35,948
Nothing's changed,
everything is exactly the same.
30
00:02:36,116 --> 00:02:37,584
I get acupuncture now.
31
00:02:37,718 --> 00:02:39,985
That's a fancy, like, richer
person thing, right?
32
00:02:40,087 --> 00:02:41,454
Thank you.
She goes, "nice."
33
00:02:41,622 --> 00:02:45,124
I know, right?
Acupuncture.
34
00:02:45,291 --> 00:02:47,259
I go to a nicer waxing place.
35
00:02:47,393 --> 00:02:49,128
A place where they, like,
change the paper.
36
00:02:49,162 --> 00:02:51,897
I'm like, whoa!
37
00:02:51,998 --> 00:02:54,266
Am I the duchess of Deutschland?
38
00:02:54,367 --> 00:02:56,202
Like, how...
39
00:02:56,336 --> 00:02:58,303
There's, like, no blood
on the paper.
40
00:02:58,438 --> 00:03:02,441
I'm like, whoa,
what do I owe this...
41
00:03:02,575 --> 00:03:05,110
Make an acceptance speech.
42
00:03:05,245 --> 00:03:06,945
Acupuncture, waxing.
43
00:03:07,079 --> 00:03:09,348
Just like paying for more
Asian people to hurt me.
44
00:03:09,482 --> 00:03:11,583
That's what happens.
45
00:03:11,718 --> 00:03:13,418
That's what happens with money.
46
00:03:14,220 --> 00:03:16,287
♪
47
00:03:17,456 --> 00:03:19,457
Welcome to "Who's More Over
Their Ex?"
48
00:03:19,591 --> 00:03:21,793
The game show where two
contestants compete to prove
49
00:03:21,894 --> 00:03:23,128
they're doing totally fine.
50
00:03:23,262 --> 00:03:25,396
Let's meet our players,
Amy and Julian.
51
00:03:25,530 --> 00:03:26,664
Come on out, guys.
52
00:03:26,799 --> 00:03:28,099
Welcome to the show.
No.
53
00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:29,968
Amy, tell us about your
relationship.
54
00:03:30,102 --> 00:03:32,970
Oh, well, actually Aiden and I
aren't broken up-broken up.
55
00:03:33,071 --> 00:03:35,906
We're just kind of on hiatus
because he made out with
56
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:39,143
somebody at a party in front of
me, and I totally overreacted.
57
00:03:39,244 --> 00:03:41,445
I tried to apologize,
but it was too late.
58
00:03:41,580 --> 00:03:43,281
I already made things
super weird.
59
00:03:43,382 --> 00:03:44,749
Pathetic.
Julian.
60
00:03:44,916 --> 00:03:46,350
Oh... story's
a little different.
61
00:03:46,485 --> 00:03:48,652
I was about to propose
to Maggie.
62
00:03:48,787 --> 00:03:50,087
Who wouldn't, right?
63
00:03:50,255 --> 00:03:53,023
And then she, uh, decided
to move to San Francisco.
64
00:03:53,124 --> 00:03:54,357
But it's cool.
65
00:03:54,525 --> 00:03:55,970
I have my own things going on,
you know what I mean?
66
00:03:55,994 --> 00:03:57,795
I developed this new
social networking app.
67
00:03:57,896 --> 00:03:59,029
It's called Klooper.
68
00:03:59,164 --> 00:04:00,697
And you'll be hearing about it.
69
00:04:00,832 --> 00:04:02,499
No, I won't.
Let's play!
70
00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:06,369
Contestants, you will now receive
a phone call from your ex.
71
00:04:06,504 --> 00:04:09,372
Whoever holds out the longest
without picking up plays first.
72
00:04:09,473 --> 00:04:10,774
He looks like Aiden.
73
00:04:10,908 --> 00:04:12,275
Not even remotely.
74
00:04:14,345 --> 00:04:18,181
Remember, all you have
to do is nothing.
75
00:04:18,316 --> 00:04:22,819
You just have to have
an ounce of dignity.
76
00:04:22,953 --> 00:04:24,486
Hey, are you in town or...
77
00:04:24,621 --> 00:04:25,988
You fool, it was me.
78
00:04:26,123 --> 00:04:27,990
Is she... Is she with you?
79
00:04:28,125 --> 00:04:29,885
No, she's not with me,
she's in San Francisco
80
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,360
having the time of her life.
81
00:04:31,461 --> 00:04:32,962
You're with me in this room.
82
00:04:33,130 --> 00:04:34,570
Amy, you've got control
of the board.
83
00:04:34,664 --> 00:04:38,734
Hit that button
to select your challenge.
84
00:04:38,868 --> 00:04:40,068
"Mutual Friend!"
85
00:04:40,169 --> 00:04:41,770
Okay, Amy, your challenge is
86
00:04:41,871 --> 00:04:44,340
to have a conversation
with a mutual friend of Aiden's
87
00:04:44,474 --> 00:04:45,708
and not ask about him.
88
00:04:45,809 --> 00:04:47,576
Let's bring out your
friend Melanie.
89
00:04:47,711 --> 00:04:49,545
- Hey, Mel.
- Hey.
90
00:04:49,679 --> 00:04:50,679
What's up?
91
00:04:50,780 --> 00:04:53,114
- Nothing... hung over.
- Ugh.
92
00:04:53,216 --> 00:04:54,549
What'd you get into last night?
93
00:04:54,650 --> 00:04:56,885
Oh, popcorn at home.
You?
94
00:04:57,019 --> 00:05:00,088
Some party in Greenpoint.
95
00:05:00,223 --> 00:05:01,356
Did you go with Kelly or...
96
00:05:01,390 --> 00:05:03,959
Yeah.
97
00:05:04,060 --> 00:05:06,361
Was Aiden there?
98
00:05:06,462 --> 00:05:08,096
- Yeah.
- Okay, what was his vibe like?
99
00:05:08,197 --> 00:05:10,565
- Like, did he seem sad or...
- Disappointing.
100
00:05:10,699 --> 00:05:11,943
All right, Julian,
you've got control.
101
00:05:11,967 --> 00:05:14,403
Hit that button.
102
00:05:15,838 --> 00:05:17,372
"Change Your Status!"
103
00:05:17,473 --> 00:05:19,841
Okay, Julian, your challenge
is simply to change
104
00:05:19,975 --> 00:05:21,843
your online relationship status.
105
00:05:21,943 --> 00:05:23,644
Okay, piece of cake.
106
00:05:23,779 --> 00:05:25,346
No problem.
107
00:05:25,447 --> 00:05:28,048
We're just gonna change that to
108
00:05:28,183 --> 00:05:29,950
"It's Complicated."
109
00:05:30,051 --> 00:05:32,052
- Hear me out.
- Nothing complicated about it.
110
00:05:32,187 --> 00:05:34,154
You are alone, Julian.
Amy, hit that button.
111
00:05:37,492 --> 00:05:39,526
"No Excuses!"
All right, Amy,
112
00:05:39,660 --> 00:05:41,896
your challenge is to hear
a piece of information
113
00:05:41,997 --> 00:05:44,398
that could be used as an
excuse to reach out to your ex
114
00:05:44,532 --> 00:05:45,866
and not act on it.
115
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,401
Oh. Not a problem.
116
00:05:47,535 --> 00:05:48,935
It shouldn't be,
but here we are.
117
00:05:49,036 --> 00:05:52,338
"There was a fire four blocks
and two avenues away
118
00:05:52,473 --> 00:05:54,307
from Aiden's house yesterday."
119
00:05:54,409 --> 00:05:57,210
The thing with this particular
one is that he walks to work
120
00:05:57,344 --> 00:05:59,279
that way sometimes,
so I feel like
121
00:05:59,380 --> 00:06:00,991
I should probably just
step out and call him
122
00:06:01,015 --> 00:06:02,048
and make sure he's okay.
123
00:06:02,082 --> 00:06:03,482
Actually, you know
he's okay because
124
00:06:03,483 --> 00:06:05,051
he was at that party
in Greenpoint.
125
00:06:05,185 --> 00:06:06,496
You really need to
pull yourself together,
126
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,064
you're embarrassing
yourself on television.
127
00:06:08,088 --> 00:06:12,025
All right, it's time to play
the final round.
128
00:06:12,159 --> 00:06:16,095
Contestants, please step into
the nostalgia chamber.
129
00:06:16,230 --> 00:06:17,763
♪
130
00:06:17,898 --> 00:06:19,965
Your challenge is
to hear the song
131
00:06:20,099 --> 00:06:21,934
"I Can't Make You Love Me"
by Bonnie Raitt
132
00:06:22,068 --> 00:06:24,537
and not cry or eat carrot cake...
Are you ready?
133
00:06:24,671 --> 00:06:26,572
Uh, can we do a different song?
134
00:06:26,740 --> 00:06:28,407
No.
135
00:06:28,508 --> 00:06:30,042
Play the song.
136
00:06:32,879 --> 00:06:33,879
♪
137
00:06:41,354 --> 00:06:43,188
Julian's crying and eating cake.
138
00:06:43,323 --> 00:06:45,924
Amy, that makes you our winner!
Step on out of there!
139
00:06:46,025 --> 00:06:49,527
Congratulations,
your prize is Aiden.
140
00:06:49,628 --> 00:06:50,862
You win your ex back, Amy.
141
00:06:50,963 --> 00:06:52,430
Oh! Oh, my God!
142
00:06:52,565 --> 00:06:54,165
Baby, I missed you so much!
143
00:06:55,968 --> 00:06:58,603
Ooh, sorry, Amy, but that was
your final test.
144
00:06:58,704 --> 00:07:00,939
You're not over your ex.
145
00:07:01,039 --> 00:07:02,907
- What?
- Tough break.
146
00:07:04,409 --> 00:07:06,277
Yeah, sorry about that.
147
00:07:06,378 --> 00:07:07,945
Julian, you don't win either.
148
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:10,581
Nobody wins.
There's no way to win this game.
149
00:07:10,715 --> 00:07:12,183
Well, that's all the time
we have.
150
00:07:12,317 --> 00:07:14,418
Tina, if you're watching,
give me a call anytime.
151
00:07:14,552 --> 00:07:17,355
Fuck you, I love you...
This is all for you!
152
00:07:22,427 --> 00:07:23,427
♪
153
00:07:29,294 --> 00:07:31,830
They're just like us.
154
00:07:31,931 --> 00:07:33,732
Olivia Munn's cute.
155
00:07:33,866 --> 00:07:35,900
She's pretty.
Don't you think she's pretty?
156
00:07:36,035 --> 00:07:38,637
Yeah, she's cute.
157
00:07:38,771 --> 00:07:40,271
Yeah.
158
00:07:40,439 --> 00:07:42,172
Channing Tatum has
a new movie coming out.
159
00:07:42,207 --> 00:07:44,942
He's so hot.
You think he's hot?
160
00:07:45,010 --> 00:07:46,777
I wouldn't know.
161
00:07:46,911 --> 00:07:49,847
Seriously?
162
00:07:49,981 --> 00:07:52,316
You think it makes you gay to
acknowledge that a guy's hot?
163
00:07:52,417 --> 00:07:56,453
I... I can't tell,
I like girls, all right?
164
00:07:56,554 --> 00:07:58,421
Yeah, but come on,
you can just admit that.
165
00:07:58,523 --> 00:08:00,390
Can we just drop it?
166
00:08:00,458 --> 00:08:02,496
Fine.
167
00:08:05,830 --> 00:08:08,966
But I mean, you see no
difference between, like,
168
00:08:09,067 --> 00:08:11,301
Eugene Levy and Channing Tatum?
169
00:08:11,435 --> 00:08:13,036
Nope.
170
00:08:13,171 --> 00:08:15,772
If they both needed
mouth-to-mouth, you don't think
171
00:08:15,906 --> 00:08:17,474
it would be grosser
to give it to Levy?
172
00:08:17,475 --> 00:08:19,008
It would be equally gross.
173
00:08:19,143 --> 00:08:20,943
You're lying.
174
00:08:21,078 --> 00:08:23,647
Okay, okay, you're asleep,
175
00:08:23,814 --> 00:08:27,150
and you wake up to what you
think is me going down on you
176
00:08:27,285 --> 00:08:29,952
but then you look next to you,
and I'm laying in the bed.
177
00:08:30,087 --> 00:08:34,390
And then I say, "Eugene Levy is
on your penis right now."
178
00:08:34,524 --> 00:08:36,826
but then you look down, and
it's actually Channing Tatum.
179
00:08:36,860 --> 00:08:40,697
Wouldn't you be, like, slightly
relieved and, like, finish?
180
00:08:40,831 --> 00:08:41,898
No.
181
00:08:42,032 --> 00:08:43,409
But you thought it was me
up until the very end.
182
00:08:43,433 --> 00:08:45,367
Okay, stop making me think
about this, all right?
183
00:08:45,535 --> 00:08:48,370
Oh, my God, you're so
homophobic.
184
00:08:48,471 --> 00:08:50,082
Imagining a hot guy's mouth
around your junk
185
00:08:50,106 --> 00:08:53,108
doesn't all of a sudden
make you not straight.
186
00:08:53,243 --> 00:08:55,611
Okay.
187
00:08:55,712 --> 00:08:57,813
You're in jail, okay?
188
00:08:57,914 --> 00:09:01,116
And these guys have you
surrounded in the shower,
189
00:09:01,218 --> 00:09:02,718
and there's no way out of it.
190
00:09:02,819 --> 00:09:05,120
You've already just given over
to the fact that you are
191
00:09:05,287 --> 00:09:08,590
definitely about to take it
right in the butthole.
192
00:09:08,725 --> 00:09:09,791
- Oh, my God.
- All right?
193
00:09:09,792 --> 00:09:11,170
Okay, can we please just
not talk about it.
194
00:09:11,194 --> 00:09:12,260
No, no, no, no, no.
195
00:09:12,394 --> 00:09:14,173
You're being silly about
something so meaningless.
196
00:09:14,197 --> 00:09:15,363
Just listen, you're in jail.
197
00:09:15,464 --> 00:09:17,565
Okay, so you're
surrounded, okay?
198
00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:19,811
But they give you a choice who
you're gonna get it from.
199
00:09:19,835 --> 00:09:21,969
Four of the guys
are Eugene Levy,
200
00:09:22,104 --> 00:09:23,248
and they haven't
showered in weeks.
201
00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:25,740
But then there's Channing.
202
00:09:25,874 --> 00:09:31,078
Beautiful, perfectly chiseled,
great at dancing, Channing.
203
00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:33,348
He's fresh out of the shower,
204
00:09:33,449 --> 00:09:34,526
and his hair looks
professionally done,
205
00:09:34,550 --> 00:09:36,483
but you know it just
fell like that.
206
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:38,285
- Amy.
- What?
207
00:09:38,419 --> 00:09:39,820
Just tell me you know what
a handsome man looks like
208
00:09:39,821 --> 00:09:41,588
and I will leave you alone.
209
00:09:41,689 --> 00:09:44,658
Okay, I can see how Channing Tatum
might be a little bit good-looking.
210
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,326
Are you happy?
Jesus!
211
00:09:46,427 --> 00:09:48,428
Get it.
212
00:09:53,368 --> 00:09:56,270
Hey, sorry to interrupt,
but I can't find my cat.
213
00:09:56,371 --> 00:09:57,371
Have you seen it?
214
00:09:57,405 --> 00:09:59,172
Oh.
215
00:09:59,340 --> 00:10:01,341
Hey.
216
00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:04,378
Hey.
217
00:10:09,917 --> 00:10:10,984
Wow.
218
00:10:11,118 --> 00:10:12,585
- Hey.
- Oh.
219
00:10:12,753 --> 00:10:14,553
- Hey.
- I'm John.
220
00:10:14,655 --> 00:10:16,489
- Shh...
- Yeah.
221
00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:18,457
Okay.
222
00:10:30,136 --> 00:10:34,173
I'll find your cat.
223
00:10:34,308 --> 00:10:36,842
What's his name?
224
00:10:36,943 --> 00:10:38,377
I'll figure it out.
225
00:10:38,478 --> 00:10:40,212
Take my pants off.
226
00:10:40,347 --> 00:10:41,347
Yeah, okay.
227
00:10:41,380 --> 00:10:42,380
Get in there.
228
00:10:43,683 --> 00:10:46,318
♪
229
00:10:46,419 --> 00:10:47,379
What's your type?
Like...
230
00:10:47,420 --> 00:10:51,356
I like sad, skinny guys
with beards.
231
00:10:51,457 --> 00:10:52,617
- Hipsters.
- Who wear like...
232
00:10:52,692 --> 00:10:54,226
- Yeah.
- Terrible fashion sense.
233
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,594
- Yep.
- Take your pick.
234
00:10:56,696 --> 00:10:58,863
Hey.
235
00:10:58,964 --> 00:11:01,733
♪
236
00:11:01,867 --> 00:11:03,201
I had an idea.
237
00:11:03,302 --> 00:11:06,504
A show where four women
get together to talk,
238
00:11:06,639 --> 00:11:08,840
mostly about
their mutual friend Janelle.
239
00:11:08,941 --> 00:11:10,675
Let's gab.
240
00:11:10,810 --> 00:11:14,411
- Hi, hi!
- Oh, they're cute, thank you.
241
00:11:14,546 --> 00:11:16,580
So did everybody have an
exciting weekend?
242
00:11:16,648 --> 00:11:17,859
Oh, you know what?
I want to start,
243
00:11:17,883 --> 00:11:20,451
because Saturday I had a day.
244
00:11:20,552 --> 00:11:21,886
What happened?
245
00:11:22,054 --> 00:11:24,388
Well, you know, I was picking up
my new rescue puppy Simon.
246
00:11:24,522 --> 00:11:26,423
Aww...
247
00:11:26,591 --> 00:11:27,925
Stop.
You have to rescue.
248
00:11:28,060 --> 00:11:29,827
- There's no other way.
- On the way home,
249
00:11:29,928 --> 00:11:32,062
ran into guess who?
250
00:11:33,631 --> 00:11:35,065
- Don't tell me.
- Janelle.
251
00:11:35,199 --> 00:11:36,199
Oh, I knew it.
252
00:11:36,334 --> 00:11:37,801
- Janelle, okay?
- Of course.
253
00:11:37,902 --> 00:11:41,405
So we're saying goodbye, and she
kisses me on both cheeks.
254
00:11:41,506 --> 00:11:42,683
- Oh, my God.
- Like, um, I'm sorry,
255
00:11:42,707 --> 00:11:46,176
are you the duchess
of Brussels all of a sudden?
256
00:11:46,310 --> 00:11:49,079
Yeah, it's like, uh, USA?
257
00:11:49,146 --> 00:11:50,947
Well, Amy's already
got us started,
258
00:11:51,048 --> 00:11:52,492
so I think we should
just get right into it.
259
00:11:52,516 --> 00:11:54,684
Our "Big Issues" segment.
260
00:11:54,785 --> 00:11:57,254
Oh, people love this, love it.
261
00:11:57,388 --> 00:12:00,924
Okay, I have a huge issue with
Janelle's Facebook page.
262
00:12:01,058 --> 00:12:03,559
- Ugh. Who doesn't?
- Don't we all?
263
00:12:03,660 --> 00:12:06,429
Hashtag "hope this day
never ends"?
264
00:12:06,563 --> 00:12:09,632
Um, that's what days do,
Janelle, they end!
265
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,635
And B, uh, we know
his name's Steve.
266
00:12:12,736 --> 00:12:14,970
Like, you know she just
wants to say "fiancé".
267
00:12:15,105 --> 00:12:17,407
- So French.
- I can't.
268
00:12:17,541 --> 00:12:19,442
There's something, like, off
about this dude.
269
00:12:19,543 --> 00:12:21,843
Mm-hmm, something is up,
something's up.
270
00:12:21,945 --> 00:12:24,313
I actually really like him.
271
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:28,317
Yeah, but, like... come on.
272
00:12:28,451 --> 00:12:32,254
Oh, yeah, totally.
He is weird.
273
00:12:32,355 --> 00:12:33,588
- Right!
- He is weird.
274
00:12:33,723 --> 00:12:35,124
So weird.
275
00:12:35,225 --> 00:12:38,560
Well, we're onto our segment where
we check Janelle's Instagram.
276
00:12:38,661 --> 00:12:40,829
Oh, my God, this is the best.
277
00:12:40,963 --> 00:12:44,666
Wow, shocker.
It's about her cat again.
278
00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:46,077
Like, we get it... its fur
makes it look like
279
00:12:46,101 --> 00:12:48,437
it's wearing a tuxedo...
Who cares?
280
00:12:48,538 --> 00:12:49,871
Oh, God.
281
00:12:49,972 --> 00:12:52,874
Do you know that that cat,
I heard, isn't even a rescue?
282
00:12:52,942 --> 00:12:55,810
- Shut up.
- She bought it, yeah.
283
00:12:55,978 --> 00:12:57,278
- No.
- I knew it.
284
00:12:57,379 --> 00:12:58,980
You know where she got it?
285
00:12:59,114 --> 00:13:00,949
- The mall.
- She got a mall cat.
286
00:13:01,116 --> 00:13:03,985
Oh, my God.
That is so disgusting.
287
00:13:04,086 --> 00:13:05,253
Oh, my God, you guys.
288
00:13:05,421 --> 00:13:07,621
I just got a DM from Janelle.
289
00:13:07,756 --> 00:13:09,924
- Oh, my God.
- Should we read it?
290
00:13:10,058 --> 00:13:13,828
Uh, it says, "Heard about
the new show, ladies.
291
00:13:13,962 --> 00:13:18,432
I'm sure it's great
'cause you guys are the best."
292
00:13:20,936 --> 00:13:22,636
She knows I'm at work.
293
00:13:22,737 --> 00:13:23,804
Like, I'm at work.
294
00:13:23,939 --> 00:13:25,940
- Yeah, it's like, we're working.
- We're working.
295
00:13:25,974 --> 00:13:27,974
All right, you guys, stay with
us, 'cause when we come back,
296
00:13:27,976 --> 00:13:30,277
we'll be interviewing Janelle's
personal trainer,
297
00:13:30,378 --> 00:13:32,279
who she met with once.
298
00:13:34,115 --> 00:13:35,815
At least she went.
299
00:13:35,950 --> 00:13:38,185
Okay, do you want to be
a part of this show?
300
00:13:43,557 --> 00:13:45,391
Do you ever get annoyed
with people's posts?
301
00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:47,660
- Yeah.
- Like, what annoys you the most?
302
00:13:47,795 --> 00:13:50,697
When people are
specifically downers.
303
00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:52,665
- Like a cry for help?
- Yes.
304
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,401
Because I'm not gonna help you.
305
00:13:55,536 --> 00:13:56,569
You're the best friend.
306
00:14:02,243 --> 00:14:03,243
Good afternoon.
307
00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:04,811
I'm here to address
the allegations
308
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:07,213
of inappropriate
behavior on my part.
309
00:14:07,348 --> 00:14:13,253
It's amazing that in 2014,
there can still be a witch hunt.
310
00:14:13,387 --> 00:14:16,489
I'd like to thank everyone
who has stood by me,
311
00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:20,126
especially my beautiful
husband, Trentman.
312
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:21,394
Yes, you have a question?
313
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:25,063
Can you explain the graphic photos
of yourself that you tweeted?
314
00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:27,633
I tweeted those photos
privately to my doctor,
315
00:14:27,768 --> 00:14:30,302
who was available only
via direct message.
316
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:34,640
I see, so your doctor's Twitter
handle is "Hung as fuck"?
317
00:14:34,808 --> 00:14:36,275
Correct.
Dr. Hung.
318
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:39,912
He is Korean, and yes, my
vagina's in perfect health.
319
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:42,748
Thank you for your concern.
320
00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:45,850
What about the lewd texts
sent from your cell phone
321
00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:47,552
to college-aged interns?
322
00:14:47,653 --> 00:14:49,754
I... What do you consider lewd?
323
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,223
"Your dick,
my mouth right now."
324
00:14:51,357 --> 00:14:53,858
Okay, that was an
autocorrect issue.
325
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,761
Now, I'd like to focus
on the work I've done
326
00:14:56,862 --> 00:14:58,530
since I've been in office.
327
00:14:58,664 --> 00:15:00,865
Have there been some scandals?
Yes.
328
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:02,434
Have I done a good job?
329
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:04,602
No.
330
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:07,071
Well, that's why I need
another term.
331
00:15:07,205 --> 00:15:10,107
Why did you send the guy an
invite to your pussy on Facebook?
332
00:15:10,208 --> 00:15:13,945
That was a misunderstanding.
I'm new to Facebook.
333
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:15,146
You put "invite"
and then "pussy".
334
00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:16,447
I mean, how confusing is that?
335
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:18,182
Would you comment, please,
on allegations
336
00:15:18,216 --> 00:15:20,061
that you were seen coming out
of Slayer's dressing room
337
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:22,353
with your face and hair covered
338
00:15:22,487 --> 00:15:24,088
in what appeared to be
tapioca pudding?
339
00:15:24,222 --> 00:15:26,690
Um... no.
340
00:15:26,725 --> 00:15:28,002
We were going through
your old yearbook,
341
00:15:28,026 --> 00:15:30,127
and can you clarify
your senior quote,
342
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:34,197
"Where you see a fist,
I see a comfortable chair"?
343
00:15:34,332 --> 00:15:36,800
I at this time would like
to take the last question.
344
00:15:36,901 --> 00:15:39,803
Is anything related to not
what you just asked?
345
00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:41,204
Yes?
346
00:15:41,339 --> 00:15:43,774
Yes, what about allegations
you had sexual relations
347
00:15:43,908 --> 00:15:46,543
with Chris Christie's dog walker
while on government property?
348
00:15:46,678 --> 00:15:51,314
That wasn't a dog, that was a
prostitute, and it was at my gym.
349
00:15:54,452 --> 00:15:59,622
Okay, well, looks like you
caught your witch, all right?
350
00:15:59,690 --> 00:16:02,758
This is just a case of
slut-shaming.
351
00:16:02,860 --> 00:16:05,962
This slut is not ashamed.
352
00:16:06,096 --> 00:16:09,298
Especially of the perfect
puss pic I tweeted?
353
00:16:09,432 --> 00:16:12,101
You're welcome!
You are welcome!
354
00:16:12,202 --> 00:16:14,770
There are more where
that came from, okay?
355
00:16:14,905 --> 00:16:18,273
If you're lucky, you'll
catch another glimpse.
356
00:16:18,408 --> 00:16:22,211
At this time, if anybody
has any further questions,
357
00:16:22,312 --> 00:16:26,315
you can address them to my
campaign manager... Damone.
358
00:16:26,416 --> 00:16:30,152
Isn't that right, Damone?
359
00:16:30,253 --> 00:16:32,354
That's it for questions
for the congresswoman.
360
00:16:32,489 --> 00:16:34,623
Her husband will make
a brief statement
361
00:16:34,724 --> 00:16:37,258
while I talk to the
congresswoman in private.
362
00:16:41,497 --> 00:16:44,733
I just want to say that I love
my wife and I'm standing by her.
363
00:16:44,867 --> 00:16:47,335
Our private life is
just that, private,
364
00:16:47,469 --> 00:16:49,538
and I don't think that
she should be punished
365
00:16:49,705 --> 00:16:54,175
just because of the perfect pussy
picture that you guys published.
366
00:16:54,343 --> 00:16:55,476
Thank you.
367
00:16:56,578 --> 00:16:59,180
♪
368
00:16:59,314 --> 00:17:01,415
Would you vote for someone if
you knew they had a sex scandal?
369
00:17:01,417 --> 00:17:03,351
It depends on the nature
of the sex scandal.
370
00:17:03,485 --> 00:17:06,521
- A handy in a library.
- Oh, definitely.
371
00:17:06,621 --> 00:17:08,066
In front of their kids.
Let me finish.
372
00:17:08,090 --> 00:17:09,357
Oh...
373
00:17:09,458 --> 00:17:10,724
But the kids are blind.
374
00:17:10,859 --> 00:17:12,159
Oh, okay.
375
00:17:12,260 --> 00:17:15,195
It depends on the scandal,
but in general, no.
376
00:17:15,329 --> 00:17:16,664
You don't care
who they ejac'd on?
377
00:17:16,731 --> 00:17:17,731
No, not in general.
378
00:17:17,766 --> 00:17:19,332
Let's play "Fuck Marry Kill".
379
00:17:19,467 --> 00:17:22,169
- Okay.
- Clinton, Weiner, Me.
380
00:17:22,303 --> 00:17:25,072
I'd fuck you, marry Clinton,
and kill Weiner.
381
00:17:25,206 --> 00:17:27,474
Thank you?
382
00:17:30,777 --> 00:17:33,444
♪
383
00:17:33,545 --> 00:17:36,248
I'm gonna bring out someone
who is my absolute favorite
384
00:17:36,382 --> 00:17:37,916
live performer of all time.
385
00:17:38,050 --> 00:17:39,450
If you saw season one,
you saw her.
386
00:17:39,585 --> 00:17:45,055
Give it up for the one,
the only Bridget Everett!
387
00:17:46,458 --> 00:17:49,126
Hit the track!
388
00:17:49,227 --> 00:17:51,596
This song goes out to
anybody with a pussy.
389
00:17:51,730 --> 00:17:53,665
And I'm not talking
about a vagina,
390
00:17:53,799 --> 00:17:57,434
I'm talking about a pussy!
391
00:17:57,535 --> 00:18:00,838
♪ There he was just
a-standing on the street ♪
392
00:18:00,972 --> 00:18:02,940
♪ With them lazy blue eyes ♪
393
00:18:03,108 --> 00:18:04,741
♪ Was he looking back at me ♪
394
00:18:04,876 --> 00:18:06,977
♪ I said boy where you going ♪
395
00:18:07,145 --> 00:18:08,645
♪ Don't care where you been ♪
396
00:18:08,780 --> 00:18:10,981
♪ You wanna drink,
fuck and love ♪
397
00:18:11,116 --> 00:18:12,649
♪ It's a win win win ♪
398
00:18:12,750 --> 00:18:14,884
♪ I can tell by the way
you walk ♪
399
00:18:14,985 --> 00:18:16,720
♪ What you gonna do with me ♪
400
00:18:16,821 --> 00:18:18,555
♪ I can tell by the way
you talk ♪
401
00:18:18,656 --> 00:18:20,657
♪ You're gonna give it to me ♪
402
00:18:20,792 --> 00:18:22,992
♪ So please take my number ♪
403
00:18:23,127 --> 00:18:24,861
♪ I'll tell you where I live ♪
404
00:18:24,995 --> 00:18:27,664
♪ Gonna leave the light on ♪
405
00:18:27,799 --> 00:18:29,199
♪ Give give give ♪
406
00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:31,034
♪ What I, what I ♪
407
00:18:31,168 --> 00:18:33,536
♪ What I gotta do ♪
408
00:18:33,637 --> 00:18:37,573
♪ What I gotta do to get
that dick in my mouth ♪
409
00:18:37,674 --> 00:18:39,175
♪ Hot sweet and sticky ♪
410
00:18:39,276 --> 00:18:41,010
♪ Like Mrs. Buttersworth ♪
411
00:18:41,111 --> 00:18:42,611
♪ Lick your fingers
stick it in ♪
412
00:18:42,713 --> 00:18:44,547
♪ And get your money's worth ♪
413
00:18:44,681 --> 00:18:48,718
♪ You're a big tough daddy
with a loaded gun ♪
414
00:18:48,852 --> 00:18:52,588
♪ Whip it out, slap it down
and let your motor run ♪
415
00:18:52,723 --> 00:18:54,790
♪ I'm gonna let it
let it rip ♪
416
00:18:54,924 --> 00:18:57,226
♪ To the tippy-tippy top ♪
417
00:18:57,327 --> 00:18:58,728
♪ Shit starts popping ♪
418
00:18:58,862 --> 00:19:00,730
♪ Ain't no way
to make it stop ♪
419
00:19:00,864 --> 00:19:02,998
♪ Oh what I, what I ♪
420
00:19:03,132 --> 00:19:05,367
♪ What I gotta do ♪
421
00:19:05,501 --> 00:19:08,503
♪ What I gotta do to get that
dick in my mouth ♪
422
00:19:08,604 --> 00:19:11,139
♪ Yeah what I, what I ♪
423
00:19:11,274 --> 00:19:13,141
♪ What I gotta do ♪
424
00:19:13,276 --> 00:19:17,246
♪ What I gotta do to get
that dick in my mouth ♪
425
00:19:17,347 --> 00:19:18,347
♪
426
00:19:33,529 --> 00:19:35,229
♪ This kitty is hungry ♪
427
00:19:35,364 --> 00:19:37,564
♪ Give her her ball ♪
428
00:19:37,665 --> 00:19:40,634
♪ Pop into the center
of this Tootsie Roll ♪
429
00:19:40,735 --> 00:19:43,037
♪ I'll say one more thing ♪
430
00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:44,872
♪ And then I'll be done ♪
431
00:19:44,973 --> 00:19:46,740
♪ Put your ♪
432
00:19:46,875 --> 00:19:49,277
♪ In my hot dark oven ♪
433
00:19:49,411 --> 00:19:51,245
♪ Oh what I, what I ♪
434
00:19:51,380 --> 00:19:53,113
♪ What I gotta do ♪
435
00:19:53,247 --> 00:19:56,417
♪ What I gotta do to get
that dick in my mouth ♪
436
00:19:56,551 --> 00:19:57,384
Everybody!
437
00:19:57,519 --> 00:19:59,252
♪ What I, what I ♪
438
00:19:59,387 --> 00:20:01,154
♪ What I gotta do ♪
439
00:20:01,255 --> 00:20:04,625
♪ What I gotta do to get
that dick in my mouth ♪
440
00:20:04,726 --> 00:20:05,726
Y'all say it!
441
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:07,093
♪ What I, what I ♪
442
00:20:07,194 --> 00:20:09,129
♪ What I gotta do ♪
443
00:20:09,263 --> 00:20:13,433
♪ What I gotta do to get
that dick in my mouth ♪
444
00:20:13,567 --> 00:20:15,201
♪ What I, what I ♪
445
00:20:15,303 --> 00:20:17,703
♪ What I gotta do ♪
446
00:20:17,838 --> 00:20:20,773
♪ What I gotta do to get
that dick in my mouth ♪
447
00:20:20,908 --> 00:20:23,443
New York City!
448
00:20:23,577 --> 00:20:27,613
Ladies and gentlemen, Carmine
Covelli and Adam Horovitz!
449
00:20:27,748 --> 00:20:30,182
♪
450
00:20:30,317 --> 00:20:34,520
Uh, would you care to comment on
the video surfacing on TMZ
451
00:20:34,621 --> 00:20:37,423
that reportedly shows you
drinking vodka
452
00:20:37,524 --> 00:20:39,525
and queefing "Gangnam Style"?
453
00:20:39,626 --> 00:20:40,747
Yeah, can you please address
454
00:20:40,861 --> 00:20:42,627
the recently deleted tweet
from your account,
455
00:20:42,762 --> 00:20:45,464
"Another day,
another Valtrex, L-O-L"?
456
00:20:45,598 --> 00:20:47,799
Do you deny your high school
roommate's allegations
457
00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:50,035
that you strung
30 billiard balls together
458
00:20:50,170 --> 00:20:51,603
and claimed they were
anal beads?
459
00:20:52,939 --> 00:20:55,975
I have a couple more.
460
00:20:56,076 --> 00:20:57,443
So easy.
461
00:20:57,610 --> 00:20:58,777
Mmm, magic.
33425
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.