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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,336 --> 00:00:04,769 Oh, my God, you're so hot. 2 00:00:04,837 --> 00:00:07,032 Just let me go down on you, please. 3 00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:09,441 Yeah. But, I... I should give you a heads up. 4 00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,477 It takes me a while. 5 00:00:11,544 --> 00:00:13,273 I don't mind. 6 00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:15,280 - I love it. - Have at it. 7 00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:25,523 What the... 8 00:00:54,754 --> 00:00:57,279 So, what you're telling me is, 9 00:00:57,356 --> 00:00:59,415 when I said, "I want a ton of soy sauce," 10 00:00:59,492 --> 00:01:02,825 what you heard was, "I want two soy sauces?" 11 00:01:05,464 --> 00:01:07,830 That's how it is in the Han province? 12 00:01:12,638 --> 00:01:14,731 My God... 13 00:01:14,807 --> 00:01:17,037 It's full of stars! 14 00:01:17,109 --> 00:01:18,337 Oh! 15 00:01:19,812 --> 00:01:21,074 Whoo! 16 00:01:21,647 --> 00:01:24,275 Oh, my God, that was so good. 17 00:01:24,350 --> 00:01:25,510 Ah. 18 00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:26,945 - You want to have sex? - Listen... 19 00:01:26,986 --> 00:01:29,614 Um, this was great, but, um... 20 00:01:29,689 --> 00:01:33,250 I gotta be up early in the morning, so I'll just let myself out. 21 00:01:33,726 --> 00:01:34,750 Oh. 22 00:01:35,895 --> 00:01:36,919 Okay. 23 00:01:48,975 --> 00:01:50,772 My sister and I do this thing, 24 00:01:50,843 --> 00:01:52,504 and it's never worked once. 25 00:01:52,578 --> 00:01:55,945 But, we, uh... When we see a really hot guy, 26 00:01:56,015 --> 00:01:57,642 we look at him and then we go... 27 00:01:58,818 --> 00:02:03,050 Yoo-hoo! 28 00:02:03,556 --> 00:02:06,992 - Sir? - Yoo-hoo! 29 00:02:07,059 --> 00:02:08,604 Hasn't worked yet, but I'm gonna keep at it. 30 00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:09,856 I'm gonna keep at it. 31 00:02:12,565 --> 00:02:14,843 That's the thing with headphones, you get what you pay for, 32 00:02:14,867 --> 00:02:15,867 so that's why I splurge. 33 00:02:15,935 --> 00:02:17,562 - Wow. Good for you. - Yeah. 34 00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:18,729 Hey, I'm super-tired. 35 00:02:18,804 --> 00:02:19,881 You want to get out of here soon? 36 00:02:19,905 --> 00:02:21,083 Yes! I'm just gonna grab my coat. 37 00:02:21,107 --> 00:02:22,584 - Would you grab mine? - Yeah, of course. 38 00:02:22,608 --> 00:02:23,752 - Okay. - Nice talking to you. 39 00:02:23,776 --> 00:02:25,835 Nice talking to you, too. 40 00:02:25,911 --> 00:02:27,538 Wow, thanks for that cock block. 41 00:02:27,613 --> 00:02:28,841 Oh, please. 42 00:02:29,215 --> 00:02:30,792 If she wanted to hook up with you, she would have. 43 00:02:30,816 --> 00:02:32,477 She's a huge whore, trust me. 44 00:02:32,551 --> 00:02:34,296 Cock blocking is not even a thing, do you know that? 45 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,464 It's just something that guys 46 00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:37,786 made up so that they don't get their egos bruised. 47 00:02:37,857 --> 00:02:39,937 Believe it or not, a girl could not want to fuck you. 48 00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:42,526 If cock blocking's not a thing, what's that? 49 00:02:43,596 --> 00:02:45,587 Hey, Rick, whatcha guys talking about? 50 00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:47,656 Your herpes? He's got herpes. 51 00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:49,868 Block-a-doodle-doo! 52 00:02:49,935 --> 00:02:52,460 Block-a-doodle-doo! 53 00:02:52,838 --> 00:02:54,965 Yeah, you just got blocked by Cock Block. 54 00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:56,084 Why don't you have a t-shirt, huh? 55 00:02:56,108 --> 00:02:57,370 Here you go. 56 00:02:57,443 --> 00:03:01,743 Block, block, block, block... 57 00:03:01,814 --> 00:03:03,509 Hey, what's up, Donnie? How you doing? 58 00:03:03,582 --> 00:03:05,573 Oh, hey, Cock Block. 59 00:03:05,651 --> 00:03:07,050 Yeah, now's not a good time, man. 60 00:03:07,119 --> 00:03:08,347 Hey, uh, when is a good time? 61 00:03:08,454 --> 00:03:11,787 When you're back at your parents' house, where you still live with your parents? 62 00:03:12,391 --> 00:03:14,359 Block-a-doodle-doo! 63 00:03:14,427 --> 00:03:16,588 Block-a-doodle-doo! 64 00:03:16,896 --> 00:03:18,830 Hey, uh, no hard feelings, Donnie. 65 00:03:18,898 --> 00:03:20,809 Just doing my thing. What are you, a medium, right? 66 00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:23,393 There you go. 67 00:03:23,469 --> 00:03:25,369 Oh, Cock Block, I can't stay mad at you, man. 68 00:03:27,306 --> 00:03:29,900 Yeah, block, block, block, block, block... 69 00:03:30,109 --> 00:03:31,167 Oh, hey, Steve. 70 00:03:31,243 --> 00:03:33,006 Heard you got fired yesterday! 71 00:03:33,079 --> 00:03:35,843 Nice try, Cock Block. I'm not trying to bang her. 72 00:03:35,915 --> 00:03:37,693 I was trying to sleep with her friend, and she blocked me. 73 00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:38,860 No, I didn't. My friend wasn't... 74 00:03:38,884 --> 00:03:40,181 Hey, you shut the fuck up! 75 00:03:40,586 --> 00:03:44,852 No one cock block blocks Cock Block when he's trying to block cock. 76 00:03:44,924 --> 00:03:46,244 You trying to move in on my turf? 77 00:03:47,326 --> 00:03:48,350 - Huh? - Oh! 78 00:03:48,427 --> 00:03:49,905 'Cause that is a block-a-doodle-don't! 79 00:03:49,929 --> 00:03:52,955 Ow! God, no! What does it matter to you? 80 00:03:53,032 --> 00:03:54,397 Do you get paid for this? 81 00:03:54,467 --> 00:03:56,833 It seems like you would lose money on the shirts. 82 00:03:56,902 --> 00:03:58,733 Hey, Cock Block, is she giving you problems? 83 00:03:58,804 --> 00:04:00,032 No, I'm good, Mitch. 84 00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:03,007 Why don't you grab yourself a t-shirt? I put a 2XL in there for you. 85 00:04:03,075 --> 00:04:04,542 - Thanks, Cock Block. - Help me. 86 00:04:04,610 --> 00:04:05,654 Where do you think you're going, huh? 87 00:04:05,678 --> 00:04:07,805 Nowhere. 88 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:10,144 Please, I just want to go home. 89 00:04:10,382 --> 00:04:11,576 I have a dog. 90 00:04:11,650 --> 00:04:14,346 He'll wonder where I am. Please... 91 00:04:17,623 --> 00:04:19,147 Cock Block... 92 00:04:19,492 --> 00:04:20,857 Are you crying? 93 00:04:21,026 --> 00:04:22,152 No. 94 00:04:23,863 --> 00:04:25,228 Cock Block, wait... 95 00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,364 You think I like this? 96 00:04:29,668 --> 00:04:31,727 You think I like blocking all these cocks? 97 00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:35,407 I was born like this! 98 00:04:36,375 --> 00:04:38,206 I got no choice! 99 00:04:38,544 --> 00:04:43,311 Every morning I dread the sound of myself waking myself up in the morning. 100 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:46,411 I... I had no idea. 101 00:04:46,952 --> 00:04:49,182 Do you want to come home with me? 102 00:04:49,255 --> 00:04:51,246 I... I could try to figure out how to blow you. 103 00:04:51,323 --> 00:04:53,416 Shh. 104 00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:55,116 That's real sweet, princess. 105 00:04:55,261 --> 00:04:58,196 But I'm gonna have to block my own cock on this one. 106 00:04:58,564 --> 00:04:59,588 Okay. 107 00:05:00,199 --> 00:05:03,100 They say the hardest cock to block is your own heart. 108 00:05:06,672 --> 00:05:08,606 Block-a-doodle-doo. 109 00:05:08,741 --> 00:05:10,641 Block-a-doodle-doo! 110 00:05:12,278 --> 00:05:14,405 - Let's get you a t-shirt, huh? - Oh! 111 00:05:14,513 --> 00:05:15,741 Men's medium? 112 00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:17,348 No, I'm... I'm a... 113 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:19,178 Here's an XL, it can be PJs. 114 00:05:22,321 --> 00:05:23,618 Have you ever been cock blocked? 115 00:05:23,689 --> 00:05:25,816 I was in the basement of my friend's house, 116 00:05:25,891 --> 00:05:29,327 and I was on the couch with a girl, and he got naked and drunk, 117 00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:31,886 and he started hugging a Christmas tree, and he fell with it. 118 00:05:32,998 --> 00:05:35,432 And then, from there, you really can't go anywhere. 119 00:05:35,734 --> 00:05:37,463 The sun was up at that point. 120 00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:43,005 - Great meeting you. - Great meeting you. 121 00:05:49,048 --> 00:05:50,709 - So, my lawyer said... - Mmm? 122 00:05:50,783 --> 00:05:52,727 That they're gonna reactivate my Instagram account. 123 00:05:52,751 --> 00:05:54,309 I just can't post that photo. 124 00:05:54,386 --> 00:05:55,906 - Oh. Speaking of lawyers... - Mmm-hmm? 125 00:05:55,955 --> 00:05:59,100 You know, mine said that the settlement's not gonna cover all my medical expenses... 126 00:05:59,124 --> 00:06:00,455 Cheers, mate! 127 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:02,118 Excuse me, sir, you didn't leave a tip. 128 00:06:02,194 --> 00:06:05,027 Of course I didn't leave a tip, gormless old bird. 129 00:06:05,231 --> 00:06:06,528 I don't tip where I'm from. 130 00:06:06,599 --> 00:06:08,210 Well, in America, it's how we earn a living. 131 00:06:08,234 --> 00:06:10,998 Right, yeah. Sorry I can't stay for a longer chin wag, 132 00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:13,648 but I don't have time to listen to the random tosh of some daft cow. 133 00:06:13,672 --> 00:06:14,798 Who is that? 134 00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:15,898 Cheers. 135 00:06:16,008 --> 00:06:17,805 Such a sucker for an accent. 136 00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:20,710 Oh, he seems like a dick. Wait, what are you... Wait. 137 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,348 - Amy? - Hi, I'm Amy. 138 00:06:23,449 --> 00:06:26,043 I just had to tell you, I love your accent. 139 00:06:26,118 --> 00:06:28,211 - Ah. I'm Cliven. - Hi. 140 00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,484 - Couldn't do me a favor, could you? - Yeah. 141 00:06:30,589 --> 00:06:32,079 You ain't got a fiver for the tube? 142 00:06:32,157 --> 00:06:33,818 Oh, my God, "the tube"? 143 00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:36,259 Um, look, my friend was supposed to meet me here, 144 00:06:36,328 --> 00:06:38,421 but she didn't show. She's such a dumb bitch. 145 00:06:38,497 --> 00:06:39,930 Do you want to get a drink? 146 00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:41,943 I'm already pretty pissed, but I might swing by the pub 147 00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:44,765 and have a few more, if you don't mind, uh, picking up the bill. 148 00:06:44,970 --> 00:06:46,938 Oh, my God, "pub." 149 00:06:47,039 --> 00:06:49,007 - Just give me one second. - Okay. 150 00:06:50,074 --> 00:06:51,234 Amy! 151 00:06:51,309 --> 00:06:52,401 I'm stuck. 152 00:06:52,477 --> 00:06:53,808 Shut the fuck up. 153 00:06:56,881 --> 00:06:58,143 Oh, my... 154 00:06:59,417 --> 00:07:00,441 And so I said, 155 00:07:00,518 --> 00:07:02,042 "You can bugger off, you wanker. 156 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:05,283 "I'd rather take it directly in the arse than work another day with you." 157 00:07:06,057 --> 00:07:09,083 That was three years ago. Been on the dole ever since. 158 00:07:09,193 --> 00:07:10,524 I am a comedian 159 00:07:10,895 --> 00:07:12,726 and an actress... 160 00:07:12,797 --> 00:07:15,197 Oi, oi! Those are mine. 161 00:07:15,767 --> 00:07:17,200 You don't need those anyroad. 162 00:07:17,302 --> 00:07:18,679 Eat any more of them, you're gonna look 163 00:07:18,703 --> 00:07:20,227 like you're up the duff. 164 00:07:20,305 --> 00:07:22,830 Oh, you bunch of lazy berks! 165 00:07:23,975 --> 00:07:26,375 God, I really, really like you. 166 00:07:27,779 --> 00:07:29,872 I am so sorry I've been so out of touch. 167 00:07:29,948 --> 00:07:32,212 I've just been hanging out with Prince-Fucking-Charming 168 00:07:32,283 --> 00:07:33,648 - all the time. - Really? 169 00:07:33,718 --> 00:07:35,549 Tell me everything. How's the sex? 170 00:07:35,620 --> 00:07:37,986 Mmm! Amazing. Amazing. 171 00:07:38,056 --> 00:07:42,823 He can't really keep an erection, but just his accent just, like, does it for me. 172 00:07:42,927 --> 00:07:44,638 They just told me I can never have sex again. 173 00:07:44,662 --> 00:07:47,222 And he's huge, okay? 174 00:07:47,332 --> 00:07:49,266 Really? Like, he has a big dick? 175 00:07:49,434 --> 00:07:50,492 Mmm-mmm. 176 00:07:50,601 --> 00:07:53,832 No, pretty small dick, but his foreskin is "enorm." 177 00:07:54,138 --> 00:07:55,435 It's like a "fiveskin." 178 00:07:55,506 --> 00:07:56,951 If I ever had to, like, go parachuting, 179 00:07:56,975 --> 00:07:58,052 - I could just, like, use that... - Okay. 180 00:07:58,076 --> 00:07:59,076 Thank you! 181 00:07:59,243 --> 00:08:00,710 Oh, she's fine. She's fine. 182 00:08:00,778 --> 00:08:02,109 Um, I... I could have used it. 183 00:08:02,180 --> 00:08:03,408 Mmm! 184 00:08:03,648 --> 00:08:05,445 "This drink is bollocks." 185 00:08:05,516 --> 00:08:06,778 That's the stuff he says. 186 00:08:09,354 --> 00:08:11,288 You're quite a fit bird, ain't you? 187 00:08:11,356 --> 00:08:12,550 Keep the extra stone off 188 00:08:12,623 --> 00:08:14,435 with a little bit of regular rumpy pumpy, do we? 189 00:08:14,459 --> 00:08:15,687 You two know each other? 190 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,593 Your bloke is trying to get into my knickers. 191 00:08:19,497 --> 00:08:20,759 Arsehole. 192 00:08:21,065 --> 00:08:22,293 She seems nice. 193 00:08:22,367 --> 00:08:24,392 Yeah, right. Look, Amy, 194 00:08:24,469 --> 00:08:26,699 it's been tickety-boo spending time with you and all, 195 00:08:27,038 --> 00:08:29,149 but it's time for me to get on the pull with someone new. 196 00:08:29,173 --> 00:08:30,435 I've got to go. 197 00:08:30,541 --> 00:08:31,803 I love you, too. 198 00:08:31,909 --> 00:08:34,639 Wait, before you go to the bathroom, will you just say, 199 00:08:34,746 --> 00:08:37,374 "That's not a knife, this is a knife"? 200 00:08:37,448 --> 00:08:39,040 Will you do that? 201 00:08:39,117 --> 00:08:40,141 Cheers, Amy. 202 00:08:40,618 --> 00:08:41,983 Cheers. 203 00:08:43,388 --> 00:08:44,855 Ooh! Hi. 204 00:08:44,956 --> 00:08:47,789 Can I get another "Point" for me boyfriend? 205 00:08:47,892 --> 00:08:50,156 And I'll... I'll have another chocodilly martini. 206 00:08:50,528 --> 00:08:52,758 Oh, you poor barmy slag. 207 00:08:52,830 --> 00:08:54,422 This one's on me, sweetheart. 208 00:08:55,433 --> 00:08:57,663 I love British people. 209 00:08:59,470 --> 00:09:03,566 Diamonds and freckles Some mittens 210 00:09:06,544 --> 00:09:08,273 Do you like when a girl has an accent? 211 00:09:08,346 --> 00:09:10,075 - Yeah. - What about English? 212 00:09:10,915 --> 00:09:12,109 How does that sound? 213 00:09:12,216 --> 00:09:13,945 It sounds like this! 214 00:09:14,018 --> 00:09:15,417 Oh, no, that's all right. 215 00:09:15,486 --> 00:09:17,579 Do you automatically think British people are smart? 216 00:09:17,722 --> 00:09:19,383 Yeah, whether they're smart or not. 217 00:09:19,457 --> 00:09:20,834 Yeah, but what if they came up to you 218 00:09:20,858 --> 00:09:22,036 and they had like two teeth, and they were like, 219 00:09:22,060 --> 00:09:24,153 "Do you know where the trolley is?" 220 00:09:24,228 --> 00:09:27,595 - Uh... - "How does this MetroCard work?" 221 00:09:27,665 --> 00:09:28,723 Like that? 222 00:09:31,836 --> 00:09:33,394 I think I wore it best. 223 00:09:33,504 --> 00:09:36,029 No. Look, Amy, 224 00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:38,018 the general consensus is that you're being held back 225 00:09:38,042 --> 00:09:39,236 by your glaring flaw. 226 00:09:39,310 --> 00:09:41,369 - My lower back tattoo... - Your smile. 227 00:09:41,446 --> 00:09:42,845 You have a lower back tattoo? 228 00:09:44,882 --> 00:09:46,076 No, I don't. 229 00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:48,675 Your smile is garbage in all of these. 230 00:09:48,753 --> 00:09:51,381 Terrible. Awful. Horrible. 231 00:09:51,456 --> 00:09:54,357 So you're gonna meet my smile guy, David. 232 00:09:54,425 --> 00:09:56,325 - Dentist? - No, he's a smile guy. 233 00:09:56,527 --> 00:10:00,588 He's worked with all the top smiles, Julia Roberts, Swank, Bening... 234 00:10:00,665 --> 00:10:02,326 - Annette Bening? - Mmm-hmm! 235 00:10:02,733 --> 00:10:04,132 - Oh, my gosh. - Go there now. 236 00:10:04,202 --> 00:10:05,499 - He's expecting you. - Oh. 237 00:10:15,413 --> 00:10:17,381 - Amy Schumer! - Hi. 238 00:10:17,448 --> 00:10:19,882 Such a pleasure! Hi. David. 239 00:10:20,051 --> 00:10:22,713 - Great to meet you. - Great to meet you! 240 00:10:22,787 --> 00:10:26,883 Okay, so, I hear we have some work to do on your smile. 241 00:10:27,558 --> 00:10:29,253 Yeah, that's what Ali told me. 242 00:10:29,327 --> 00:10:30,817 Okay, well, let's see where we're at. 243 00:10:30,895 --> 00:10:32,294 If you could smile for me, please? 244 00:10:32,797 --> 00:10:34,424 - Smile right now? - Mmm-hmm. 245 00:10:34,499 --> 00:10:35,591 Um... 246 00:10:36,734 --> 00:10:38,531 Okay, can I see some teeth, please? 247 00:10:40,805 --> 00:10:42,670 All right, we have a lot of work to do, 248 00:10:42,740 --> 00:10:45,300 but it's nothing we can't figure out by the end of the session. 249 00:10:45,510 --> 00:10:47,110 And... And how long is the session? I... 250 00:10:47,178 --> 00:10:49,378 Ah, that all depends on how hard you're willing to work. 251 00:10:50,648 --> 00:10:53,173 Um, what... What exactly do we do? 252 00:10:53,251 --> 00:10:54,741 Well, we begin. 253 00:10:54,819 --> 00:10:56,081 Smile, please. 254 00:10:56,687 --> 00:10:59,383 No. Again. 255 00:11:00,258 --> 00:11:03,022 No. Try this, cock your head, 256 00:11:03,094 --> 00:11:04,891 and let that lead you into the smile. 257 00:11:05,096 --> 00:11:06,563 Almost like this. 258 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:10,924 No. Again. 259 00:11:12,069 --> 00:11:13,969 No. Again. 260 00:11:18,442 --> 00:11:20,501 No. Again. 261 00:11:22,313 --> 00:11:24,543 - No. - Are you going to offer any suggestions? 262 00:11:24,649 --> 00:11:26,241 You're not even doing anything! 263 00:11:26,317 --> 00:11:29,844 You're just cocking your head to the side and putting your top teeth on your bottom lip. 264 00:11:30,021 --> 00:11:31,420 I hate what you're doing. 265 00:11:31,522 --> 00:11:34,013 - It's not even a smile. - It's not? 266 00:11:34,225 --> 00:11:35,658 No, it's not! 267 00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:38,319 You sure? 268 00:11:39,430 --> 00:11:41,022 No, I guess I'm not positive. 269 00:11:41,098 --> 00:11:42,622 Yeah, I didn't think so. 270 00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:45,396 Do it again, please. Cock, and smile. 271 00:11:48,673 --> 00:11:49,697 No. 272 00:11:49,774 --> 00:11:51,901 Cock and smile. 273 00:11:53,511 --> 00:11:56,036 No. Cock and smile. 274 00:11:58,549 --> 00:12:00,949 Good. Cock and smile. 275 00:12:01,385 --> 00:12:04,252 Better! Cock and smile. 276 00:12:05,122 --> 00:12:06,646 Yes! 277 00:12:07,158 --> 00:12:09,319 Yes. Perfect. 278 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:10,852 Congratulations. 279 00:12:11,362 --> 00:12:12,659 - Yeah? - Yes. 280 00:12:12,763 --> 00:12:16,324 And that is faster than I've ever seen anyone get it. 281 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:17,890 - You're a real pro. - Yeah. 282 00:12:17,969 --> 00:12:19,969 That's great, 'cause the Golden Globes are tonight! 283 00:12:20,071 --> 00:12:21,470 I know. 284 00:12:32,183 --> 00:12:33,878 We're making progress! 285 00:12:33,951 --> 00:12:35,179 Right? 286 00:12:42,959 --> 00:12:46,258 I am just saying, Israel has the right to defend itself with force against Hamas, 287 00:12:46,329 --> 00:12:47,796 which is a terrorist organization. 288 00:12:47,864 --> 00:12:50,799 Mmm-hmm, and I'm saying, Israel is equally, if not more, culpable 289 00:12:50,867 --> 00:12:52,067 in their level of provocation. 290 00:12:52,135 --> 00:12:54,330 Hey, can we maybe just, like, keep it light. 291 00:12:54,537 --> 00:12:56,471 It's a Friday. Wine bar. 292 00:12:57,741 --> 00:12:58,867 - Babe... - Okay, okay. 293 00:12:58,942 --> 00:13:00,136 Just for tonight. 294 00:13:00,210 --> 00:13:01,621 - Fair, truce. - You know what they say, 295 00:13:01,645 --> 00:13:04,045 "Opinions are like buttholes, everybody's got three!" 296 00:13:06,383 --> 00:13:07,680 Wait, what? 297 00:13:08,385 --> 00:13:10,250 - What? - "Everybody's got three"? 298 00:13:11,254 --> 00:13:12,983 - Three what? - You just said, 299 00:13:13,056 --> 00:13:15,581 "Opinions are like buttholes, everybody has three." 300 00:13:17,060 --> 00:13:20,496 Yeah, I mean, you never heard that expression? It's a... 301 00:13:21,431 --> 00:13:22,693 It's like a famous... 302 00:13:22,766 --> 00:13:24,097 "Opinions are like buttholes." 303 00:13:24,701 --> 00:13:25,827 Wait, um... 304 00:13:25,935 --> 00:13:27,095 Just for fun, just... 305 00:13:27,170 --> 00:13:28,690 How many buttholes does everyone have? 306 00:13:28,738 --> 00:13:30,016 Just say it on the count of three. 307 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:31,132 - Good idea. - Mmm-hmm. 308 00:13:31,241 --> 00:13:32,538 Okay, one, two, three... 309 00:13:32,609 --> 00:13:33,609 - One. - Three. 310 00:13:33,677 --> 00:13:34,677 Oh. 311 00:13:40,050 --> 00:13:42,348 Do you guys watch Vanderpump Rules or... 312 00:13:42,419 --> 00:13:43,419 Amy... 313 00:13:43,653 --> 00:13:44,881 What's up? 314 00:13:44,954 --> 00:13:46,080 Do you have three buttholes? 315 00:13:47,223 --> 00:13:49,657 What? Me? 316 00:13:50,093 --> 00:13:51,424 Oh, my God, I... I... 317 00:13:51,528 --> 00:13:53,806 I was kidding. Like, obviously, I was kidding around, like, 318 00:13:53,830 --> 00:13:55,798 that's really weird that you're asking me. 319 00:13:55,865 --> 00:13:57,332 It's an expression. It's... 320 00:13:58,101 --> 00:14:00,399 I... I have the same amount of buttholes you guys have. 321 00:14:00,470 --> 00:14:01,869 How many did you guys say you had? 322 00:14:02,572 --> 00:14:04,870 - Just one. - Yes! 323 00:14:04,941 --> 00:14:09,844 Which is what I have, one single, solitary, standard... 324 00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:12,538 It's... It's centered. 325 00:14:12,615 --> 00:14:13,877 Come on! 326 00:14:13,983 --> 00:14:15,416 I have one butthole, okay? 327 00:14:15,485 --> 00:14:17,180 I have one butthole. 328 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:18,831 What are you guys, the butthole police? 329 00:14:18,855 --> 00:14:20,914 I mean, you have to tell me if you are. 330 00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:22,719 No, we're not the butthole police, Amy. 331 00:14:22,792 --> 00:14:24,350 I do think we should get going, hun. 332 00:14:24,461 --> 00:14:25,894 Yeah, babe, that's a good idea. 333 00:14:25,962 --> 00:14:27,554 Um, we have the sitter at home. 334 00:14:27,630 --> 00:14:28,995 - Dude! - You guys don't have kids. 335 00:14:29,065 --> 00:14:30,293 - Mmm-hmm. - What do you mean? 336 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,178 Okay, but, I'll just call you this week, okay? 337 00:14:32,202 --> 00:14:34,500 - You left your coats! - Uh, keep them! 338 00:14:35,438 --> 00:14:37,633 That was weird. 339 00:14:38,274 --> 00:14:39,605 So, what do you say? 340 00:14:39,676 --> 00:14:40,904 You want to get out of here? 341 00:14:41,244 --> 00:14:42,643 You can play me like a flute? 342 00:14:42,779 --> 00:14:45,714 A little Jethro Tull... On my buttholes? 343 00:14:45,782 --> 00:14:47,647 Aqualung 344 00:14:47,717 --> 00:14:49,207 Do do doo, do do doo 345 00:14:49,285 --> 00:14:52,550 Okay. I don't think we should see each other anymore. 346 00:14:52,622 --> 00:14:54,180 Why? What? 347 00:14:54,457 --> 00:14:55,754 Connor, look at me! 348 00:14:55,825 --> 00:14:57,258 - I'm looking. - Oh. 349 00:14:57,327 --> 00:14:58,658 Is this about my three buttholes? 350 00:14:58,728 --> 00:15:00,059 Yeah! 351 00:15:00,130 --> 00:15:01,290 Tell me the truth. 352 00:15:01,631 --> 00:15:03,098 I can't be any clearer. 353 00:15:03,166 --> 00:15:04,565 Be real with me. 354 00:15:04,634 --> 00:15:06,363 Is this about my three buttholes? 355 00:15:06,436 --> 00:15:08,802 This is the realest I've ever been with you. 356 00:15:08,872 --> 00:15:10,339 It's about your three buttholes. 357 00:15:10,407 --> 00:15:12,841 - That you don't like them? - I really am gonna go now. 358 00:15:12,909 --> 00:15:14,171 But take care. 359 00:15:21,651 --> 00:15:23,209 Yeah, it's definitely three. 360 00:15:27,090 --> 00:15:28,990 How many holes are there in a human body, go! 361 00:15:29,159 --> 00:15:30,717 - Right off the top of your head. - 15. 362 00:15:32,962 --> 00:15:34,395 - That's a lot. - Yeah. 363 00:15:34,464 --> 00:15:35,726 That's probably too much. 364 00:15:35,799 --> 00:15:36,823 We gotta check you out. 365 00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:39,767 What is the weirdest body part 366 00:15:39,836 --> 00:15:41,476 you've ever encountered on somebody else? 367 00:15:41,771 --> 00:15:43,068 Oh, my God. Uh-oh. 368 00:15:43,139 --> 00:15:45,607 - A tail? What? - You said "a tail"? 369 00:15:45,675 --> 00:15:47,404 A kid in school, we were, uh, 370 00:15:47,477 --> 00:15:49,968 in the locker room, and he was getting changed, 371 00:15:50,046 --> 00:15:53,174 and we looked over, and he had a tail about that big, and he wiggled it. 372 00:15:53,249 --> 00:15:54,978 It definitely wasn't a dick? 373 00:15:55,051 --> 00:15:56,814 No, it wasn't. It was in the back. 374 00:15:56,886 --> 00:15:58,478 That guy can fuck two girls at once. 375 00:15:58,555 --> 00:16:00,182 - Pretty much. - Would I fuck a tail? 376 00:16:00,290 --> 00:16:01,814 - I think I wouldn't, but... - Yeah. 377 00:16:01,891 --> 00:16:02,983 Who... I don't know. 378 00:16:10,365 --> 00:16:11,525 Mark it. 379 00:16:11,599 --> 00:16:13,066 Did they tell you what we're doing? 380 00:16:13,134 --> 00:16:14,567 - Uh... - This is a porn. 381 00:16:14,636 --> 00:16:16,297 What? 382 00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,798 - Anal? - Once in a while. 383 00:16:18,873 --> 00:16:20,135 Vaginal? 384 00:16:20,442 --> 00:16:21,704 Yeah, once in a while. 385 00:16:21,810 --> 00:16:23,505 - Pizza? - I'm trying to quit, actually. 386 00:16:23,578 --> 00:16:24,578 - Yeah. - Yeah. 387 00:16:24,746 --> 00:16:28,375 What do you think about our director? 388 00:16:29,217 --> 00:16:31,811 He could be a Fred Armisen doppelganger. 389 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,319 - Ryan, come here. - Hi! 390 00:16:33,388 --> 00:16:34,428 I don't think our director 391 00:16:34,456 --> 00:16:35,800 - looks like Fred Armisen, do you? - A little bit. 392 00:16:35,824 --> 00:16:37,155 - Maybe. - Just the littlest bit? 393 00:16:37,225 --> 00:16:40,092 Um, sir, we want to film the worst parallel parker in New York? 394 00:16:43,465 --> 00:16:45,456 How many people have you slept with? 395 00:16:45,533 --> 00:16:47,933 I think, in between 30 and 40. 396 00:16:48,003 --> 00:16:49,698 What would you guess my number was? 397 00:16:49,804 --> 00:16:53,433 Somewhere higher or lower than that. 398 00:16:54,776 --> 00:16:56,767 Are you real? 'Cause you're like saying 399 00:16:56,945 --> 00:16:59,140 - the dead right thing, always. - Aw. 400 00:16:59,981 --> 00:17:01,292 How are you liking the limelight? 401 00:17:01,316 --> 00:17:03,443 Everybody's the same amount of happy always, I think. 402 00:17:03,518 --> 00:17:05,509 Do you still get as much ass as you did before? 403 00:17:05,620 --> 00:17:06,951 - No. - Really? 404 00:17:07,022 --> 00:17:08,148 Yeah. 405 00:17:11,726 --> 00:17:14,024 - Got really cold out here. - So cold. 406 00:17:14,095 --> 00:17:15,926 Yeah. 407 00:17:15,997 --> 00:17:17,692 What are you, um... 408 00:17:17,766 --> 00:17:18,994 I like your microphone. 409 00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:20,898 - Thank you. - Yeah. 410 00:17:20,969 --> 00:17:22,527 - It's old. I'm... - Yeah? 411 00:17:22,604 --> 00:17:25,732 - It's... It's stupid. I should just quit, but... - No. No. 412 00:17:25,807 --> 00:17:27,832 - I think it's nice. - Yeah. 413 00:17:34,716 --> 00:17:36,327 - Thanks for talking to me. - Oh, thank you. 414 00:17:36,351 --> 00:17:37,528 - Thanks for talking to me. - Oh, you're welcome. 415 00:17:37,552 --> 00:17:38,576 - All right. - Yeah. 416 00:17:38,653 --> 00:17:39,693 - Thanks, man. - All right. 417 00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:46,886 My favorite performer in the whole world is here tonight. 418 00:17:46,995 --> 00:17:48,172 You probably already know her. 419 00:17:48,196 --> 00:17:49,561 You probably already love her. 420 00:17:49,664 --> 00:17:51,291 She's a little gem of a girl. 421 00:17:51,366 --> 00:17:53,960 Her name is Miss Bridget Everett. 422 00:17:58,106 --> 00:17:59,869 Thank you so much. 423 00:17:59,941 --> 00:18:01,499 Turn the track down a little bit. 424 00:18:01,609 --> 00:18:02,837 How about this? 425 00:18:02,911 --> 00:18:04,242 Don't touch my pussy 426 00:18:04,312 --> 00:18:08,112 unless I say you can touch my pussy, Mr. Cosby! 427 00:18:09,284 --> 00:18:11,650 When your lady is tired And her patience is expired 428 00:18:11,719 --> 00:18:14,449 And she needs to get off her feet 429 00:18:14,522 --> 00:18:15,989 Draw your lady up some bubbles 430 00:18:16,091 --> 00:18:17,490 Don't you start any trouble 431 00:18:17,559 --> 00:18:19,789 Let your lady have her retreat 432 00:18:19,861 --> 00:18:21,385 When you're at your mama's house 433 00:18:21,463 --> 00:18:22,760 You see your lady's blouse 434 00:18:22,831 --> 00:18:25,026 And she's standing there in the wind 435 00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:26,727 And you're staring at those titties 436 00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:28,041 Like they're two fluffy kitties 437 00:18:28,069 --> 00:18:29,866 And your mind fills up with sin 438 00:18:29,938 --> 00:18:31,633 Put your dick 439 00:18:32,674 --> 00:18:34,972 Put your dick 440 00:18:35,043 --> 00:18:37,705 Put your dick away 441 00:18:37,779 --> 00:18:40,407 Put your dick away 442 00:18:40,482 --> 00:18:42,882 Put your dick 443 00:18:42,951 --> 00:18:45,215 Put your dick 444 00:18:45,286 --> 00:18:47,254 Put your dick away 445 00:18:47,322 --> 00:18:48,516 Shh. 446 00:18:51,526 --> 00:18:54,222 When I come home at the end of the day 447 00:18:54,295 --> 00:18:56,695 And my fingers are down to the bone 448 00:18:56,764 --> 00:18:59,597 My back is aching Don't there be no mistaking 449 00:18:59,667 --> 00:19:01,999 I'm gonna call my girl on the phone 450 00:19:02,070 --> 00:19:03,594 Then I'll pour a glass of wine 451 00:19:03,671 --> 00:19:05,002 I'm gonna take my time 452 00:19:05,073 --> 00:19:07,439 I'm gonna get my shit relaxed 453 00:19:07,509 --> 00:19:08,976 And when I say it's fuckin' time 454 00:19:09,043 --> 00:19:10,374 You're gonna lick my valentine 455 00:19:10,445 --> 00:19:12,140 And don't forget the crack 456 00:19:12,213 --> 00:19:14,613 So put your dick 457 00:19:14,949 --> 00:19:17,440 Put your dick 458 00:19:17,519 --> 00:19:19,453 Put your dick away 459 00:19:19,521 --> 00:19:21,580 Sing it with me, ladies! Sing it with me! 460 00:19:21,656 --> 00:19:23,317 What do you say? Here we go! 461 00:19:23,391 --> 00:19:25,382 Put your dick 462 00:19:25,493 --> 00:19:28,018 Put your dick 463 00:19:28,096 --> 00:19:30,428 Put your dick away 464 00:19:32,033 --> 00:19:33,033 What's your name? 465 00:19:33,268 --> 00:19:34,599 Shut up, nobody cares. 466 00:19:36,671 --> 00:19:37,729 Are you a top? 467 00:19:38,273 --> 00:19:39,570 Are you a top? 468 00:19:39,641 --> 00:19:41,074 That's what I thought. 469 00:19:41,142 --> 00:19:42,982 I want you to put your left hand on your balls, 470 00:19:43,011 --> 00:19:45,022 and your right hand in the air, and repeat after me. 471 00:19:45,046 --> 00:19:47,014 I'll put it, I'll put it, I'll put it 472 00:19:47,081 --> 00:19:49,481 I'll put it I'll put my dick away 473 00:19:49,551 --> 00:19:50,609 Sing it! 474 00:19:50,718 --> 00:19:51,878 I'll put it, I'll put it 475 00:19:53,254 --> 00:19:54,881 I'll put my dick away 476 00:19:54,989 --> 00:19:56,718 Put your dick 477 00:19:56,791 --> 00:19:58,019 Sing with me, ladies! 478 00:19:58,092 --> 00:19:59,957 Put your dick 479 00:20:00,028 --> 00:20:01,552 Put your dick away 480 00:20:01,629 --> 00:20:03,153 I'm looking at you, motherfucker, 481 00:20:03,231 --> 00:20:04,596 I'm right here! 482 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,265 Put your dick 483 00:20:08,469 --> 00:20:09,868 Put your dick 484 00:20:10,972 --> 00:20:13,964 Put your dick away 485 00:20:14,442 --> 00:20:16,706 Put your dick away 486 00:20:16,778 --> 00:20:18,712 That's right, New York City! 487 00:20:21,816 --> 00:20:25,445 This has been my favorite season, and I love all of you so much. 488 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:26,730 I would do anything for any of you. 489 00:20:26,754 --> 00:20:28,332 I love you. I love making the show so much. 490 00:20:28,356 --> 00:20:31,450 It's still my absolute dream, and you all make it so much better. 491 00:20:31,559 --> 00:20:34,289 And I... I love you, and thank you, and everything. 492 00:20:34,395 --> 00:20:35,692 Thank you for always laughing. 493 00:20:35,763 --> 00:20:37,424 Yeah, I'm crying. 494 00:20:37,498 --> 00:20:39,693 Can somebody stand in for me while I hug my sister? 495 00:20:44,405 --> 00:20:45,804 Oh, my God. 496 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:48,907 - Oh, my God! - Oh, what the fuck! 497 00:20:48,977 --> 00:20:50,239 Yes! 498 00:20:50,311 --> 00:20:53,246 Oh, my God! 499 00:20:53,581 --> 00:20:55,821 And that's a wrap on principal photography, and Season 3! 500 00:21:00,622 --> 00:21:01,748 So easy. 501 00:21:01,823 --> 00:21:03,085 Mmm, magic. 502 00:21:04,959 --> 00:21:06,859 No, no, one order of dumplings. 503 00:21:06,928 --> 00:21:08,259 Fried or steamed? 504 00:21:09,497 --> 00:21:10,896 What's better for you? 505 00:21:12,233 --> 00:21:13,233 Fried... 506 00:21:13,301 --> 00:21:14,700 With a lot of soy sauce. 507 00:21:15,503 --> 00:21:17,027 Like, a lot. 508 00:21:17,105 --> 00:21:19,573 Low sodium, please. Um, I'm watching my weight. 35626

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