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1
00:00:01,667 --> 00:00:02,964
So, get this...
2
00:00:03,035 --> 00:00:05,970
Belinda is saying she has
fibromyalgia yet again,
3
00:00:06,038 --> 00:00:08,199
which means that I have to cover
the Houston conference.
4
00:00:08,608 --> 00:00:10,098
That is so awesome, babe.
5
00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:11,473
It can happen anytime.
6
00:00:11,544 --> 00:00:12,636
Oh, my God.
7
00:00:12,712 --> 00:00:14,236
You're not even listening to me.
8
00:00:14,313 --> 00:00:16,679
Now, help is at your fingertips.
9
00:00:16,749 --> 00:00:18,011
Hello?
10
00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:19,346
ListenAlert, this is Katie.
11
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Just stay calm and tell me your story.
12
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,415
Oh, thank God.
13
00:00:22,488 --> 00:00:26,857
Okay, so I talked to HR, and apparently
I have to go to Houston,
14
00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:28,860
and I wanted to fly JetBlue,
15
00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:31,453
but they're making me go on Southwest.
16
00:00:33,099 --> 00:00:36,626
Here at ListenAlert,
our trained operators are standing by,
17
00:00:37,003 --> 00:00:40,530
waiting to respond to your calls
to hear how things turned out.
18
00:00:40,706 --> 00:00:42,606
We're prepared with such phrases as,
19
00:00:49,682 --> 00:00:51,309
Technically, I haven't lost any weight yet,
20
00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:52,681
but I feel lighter,
21
00:00:52,752 --> 00:00:55,414
- which is the most important...
- Oh, my God, you guys! I totally forgot.
22
00:00:55,488 --> 00:00:56,546
I saw Janelle yesterday.
23
00:00:56,622 --> 00:00:58,487
Oh, my God. What was she wearing?
24
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,290
ListenAlert, this is Jeff. Tell me everything.
25
00:01:03,362 --> 00:01:04,522
Don't leave out your feelings.
26
00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:06,258
I'm on my third day of green juice,
27
00:01:06,332 --> 00:01:09,324
but since I'm having a salad tonight,
I think it's okay.
28
00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:11,131
Okay, you should have a podcast.
29
00:01:11,203 --> 00:01:13,103
ListenAlert is not just for women.
30
00:01:13,172 --> 00:01:16,505
So when I started high school,
I was 5'10", 150 pounds,
31
00:01:16,576 --> 00:01:19,204
then, my junior year,
I shot up to, like, 6'2", buck 90.
32
00:01:19,445 --> 00:01:21,140
But what size shoe did you wear?
33
00:01:21,213 --> 00:01:22,202
Well, that's the thing!
34
00:01:22,281 --> 00:01:25,614
Like, I had always had size 13s,
so I was just kind of waiting to grow.
35
00:01:25,718 --> 00:01:27,345
In the cases of longer stories,
36
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:30,218
we'll even dispatch our agents right to you.
37
00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:33,519
So there is another clutch that was 50% off,
38
00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:36,528
but it was a little smaller, like...
39
00:01:36,963 --> 00:01:38,396
Is it more like a wristlet?
40
00:01:38,464 --> 00:01:40,264
I'm having trouble picturing the size.
41
00:01:40,299 --> 00:01:42,290
Help is on the way.
42
00:01:43,669 --> 00:01:45,796
Were they buy one, get one,
or buy one, get one 50% off?
43
00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:48,373
It was 50% off, but it was only in one color.
44
00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:49,965
- Which color?
- Red.
45
00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:51,467
That's a tough one.
46
00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:54,102
All this is covered by a low, low price
47
00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:56,171
of $100,000 a month.
48
00:01:56,248 --> 00:01:57,943
So it was like my grandma's house,
49
00:01:58,017 --> 00:02:00,850
but at the same time, it was not totally
my grandma's house, like...
50
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:01,909
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
51
00:02:01,988 --> 00:02:03,455
We will not listen to your dreams.
52
00:02:03,522 --> 00:02:04,580
We are not saints.
53
00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:19,499
So, I get labeled a "sex comic,"
54
00:02:19,572 --> 00:02:21,039
and I think it's 'cause I'm a woman.
55
00:02:21,173 --> 00:02:23,698
You know? 'Cause a guy could get up here
and literally pull his dick out,
56
00:02:23,776 --> 00:02:25,676
and everyone would be like,
"He's a thinker." But...
57
00:02:30,816 --> 00:02:31,805
Right?
58
00:02:32,118 --> 00:02:34,211
Thank you.
59
00:02:34,353 --> 00:02:35,650
I, like, never have sex,
60
00:02:35,721 --> 00:02:38,417
but they think of me like I walk around town
61
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:40,288
just leaving, like, a snail trail of cum,
62
00:02:40,359 --> 00:02:42,623
I'm just like...
63
00:02:45,398 --> 00:02:46,865
You're gonna be driving home, like,
64
00:02:46,932 --> 00:02:49,264
"Could've dealt without that one."
65
00:02:52,304 --> 00:02:54,636
- Hey, Sis! Get over here.
- Hi, Jonny!
66
00:02:54,707 --> 00:02:55,833
Ha-ha!
67
00:02:55,908 --> 00:02:57,375
- Hi.
- How are you, honey?
68
00:02:57,443 --> 00:02:59,468
- Drew.
- Hey, so nice to meet you.
69
00:02:59,545 --> 00:03:01,240
Nice to meet you, too. Come in, come in.
70
00:03:01,313 --> 00:03:03,941
Lana's in the kitchen fixing some snacks.
71
00:03:04,016 --> 00:03:06,177
I am so glad
you're finally meeting my brother.
72
00:03:06,252 --> 00:03:07,742
Oh, totally.
73
00:03:07,820 --> 00:03:09,913
Amy tells me you like fishing?
74
00:03:09,989 --> 00:03:11,422
Oh! Love it.
75
00:03:11,657 --> 00:03:13,852
Never catch a thing,
but love being on that boat.
76
00:03:13,993 --> 00:03:15,051
- I hear that.
- Right?
77
00:03:15,127 --> 00:03:16,458
Boring conversation.
78
00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:18,622
- Nobody cares!
- No, come on.
79
00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:20,431
I'm getting beers. You guys want beers?
80
00:03:20,499 --> 00:03:21,591
- Yeah, I'd love that.
- Yes, I want a beer.
81
00:03:21,667 --> 00:03:22,691
Thank you, darling.
82
00:03:22,768 --> 00:03:24,099
Oh, man. So...
83
00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:26,229
Amy says so many nice things about you.
84
00:03:26,305 --> 00:03:27,363
She really looks up to you.
85
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:28,429
Why don't you cut the shit, man?
86
00:03:30,342 --> 00:03:31,832
- Wait. Whoa.
- Yeah.
87
00:03:31,911 --> 00:03:33,242
You know why I wanted to meet you, right?
88
00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:36,447
You know what this is, man.
You better not hurt my sister.
89
00:03:37,183 --> 00:03:40,016
No, I... What? I...
90
00:03:40,820 --> 00:03:42,913
I'm messing with you, man!
Get over here!
91
00:03:42,988 --> 00:03:44,216
- Oh!
- Get over here!
92
00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:46,554
- All right, okay, I get it.
- I'm messing with you!
93
00:03:46,625 --> 00:03:48,650
- No, no.
- But that was really convincing...
94
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:50,127
Honestly, you know what?
95
00:03:50,529 --> 00:03:52,394
I guess the only rule I have...
96
00:03:52,832 --> 00:03:53,856
Yeah?
97
00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:56,626
Don't fuck my sister in the ass.
98
00:04:03,976 --> 00:04:06,171
Actually, it's not a rule. It's more of a...
99
00:04:06,479 --> 00:04:07,537
Fervent request.
100
00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:10,348
Please don't fuck her in the ass.
101
00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:12,316
Jon, I don't...
102
00:04:12,384 --> 00:04:14,011
You want me to beg? I'll beg.
103
00:04:14,086 --> 00:04:16,077
- All right? I'll beg, I'll beg, all right?
- No, no.
104
00:04:16,155 --> 00:04:17,315
I'm begging you, man.
105
00:04:17,389 --> 00:04:18,515
- Please?
- No, no, no, get up.
106
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:20,320
- Don't fuck my sister in the tushy.
- What are you doing?
107
00:04:20,392 --> 00:04:21,859
Please? She's a good girl.
108
00:04:21,927 --> 00:04:23,827
She's really great, okay?
109
00:04:23,896 --> 00:04:26,023
Stay out of her ass. Stay out of her ass!
110
00:04:26,098 --> 00:04:28,589
- Wait, are you joking? What is this?
- Please. No, I'm not joking!
111
00:04:28,667 --> 00:04:30,157
Beers for my favorite guys.
112
00:04:30,236 --> 00:04:31,362
- Hey, yay!
- Are you all right?
113
00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:32,836
- What're you doing down there?
- Oh, nothing.
114
00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:34,202
I just...
115
00:04:34,273 --> 00:04:35,570
Just dropped a lens.
116
00:04:35,641 --> 00:04:36,869
- Yeah? All right.
- Yeah.
117
00:04:36,942 --> 00:04:38,204
You guys hit it off?
118
00:04:38,277 --> 00:04:39,266
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
119
00:04:39,345 --> 00:04:40,972
- Two peas in a pod?
- Yeah.
120
00:04:41,046 --> 00:04:42,707
- Okay.
- It's good.
121
00:04:43,048 --> 00:04:44,140
Good times.
122
00:04:45,951 --> 00:04:47,316
You've done it already, haven't you?
123
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,044
- No.
- I can see it on her face.
124
00:04:49,121 --> 00:04:50,486
No, no, no, no, no.
125
00:04:50,556 --> 00:04:52,490
You did it, you ruined her.
126
00:04:52,558 --> 00:04:54,958
- I...
- Oh, my God, my beautiful baby sister.
127
00:04:55,027 --> 00:04:56,358
You've ruined her.
128
00:04:56,695 --> 00:04:57,684
Oh, my God.
129
00:04:57,763 --> 00:04:58,991
- My God.
- Jon, no, wait...
130
00:04:59,064 --> 00:05:00,691
- Oh, my God.
- I...
131
00:05:00,766 --> 00:05:01,960
No, dear God, no!
132
00:05:02,034 --> 00:05:04,400
- Oh, my God...
- No, no, no, just sit down.
133
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,233
Please, please.
134
00:05:06,305 --> 00:05:07,602
No, no, no, no...
135
00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:10,401
If it helps anything...
136
00:05:10,976 --> 00:05:12,034
We haven't.
137
00:05:13,612 --> 00:05:14,601
You haven't?
138
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,240
- No, we haven't.
- Oh, God.
139
00:05:18,117 --> 00:05:20,244
Thank you. Thank you.
140
00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:23,683
I would never force your sister
to do anything that she doesn't wanna do.
141
00:05:23,756 --> 00:05:25,280
Oh, yeah, she wants it.
142
00:05:25,457 --> 00:05:27,482
We're from Long Island,
she's gonna ask for it.
143
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:28,749
A lot.
144
00:05:28,961 --> 00:05:30,360
You're from Long Island?
145
00:05:30,429 --> 00:05:32,021
All right, look, man. I'm not a prude.
146
00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:34,765
Okay, Amy's a beautiful woman. I get it.
147
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:36,597
You wanna absolutely annihilate
her other holes?
148
00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:37,863
You have my blessing.
149
00:05:37,937 --> 00:05:40,098
Feel free to do 95 up and down pee street.
150
00:05:40,172 --> 00:05:41,366
Hell, tear her vag a new asshole,
151
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:42,532
then fuck that asshole.
152
00:05:42,808 --> 00:05:46,141
- Did Amy ask you to talk to me about this?
- What?
153
00:05:46,712 --> 00:05:49,875
She's my sister.
We don't talk about sex stuff with each other.
154
00:05:49,949 --> 00:05:51,041
That'd be gross.
155
00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:53,648
I'm coming to you, man to man.
156
00:05:54,119 --> 00:05:55,143
Like a man.
157
00:05:56,822 --> 00:05:58,016
Are we cool?
158
00:05:59,425 --> 00:06:00,585
Yeah, I guess so.
159
00:06:00,659 --> 00:06:01,648
Yeah? All right.
160
00:06:02,628 --> 00:06:03,754
All right, so...
161
00:06:03,929 --> 00:06:06,489
Initial here, sign here,
and we can move on and we can
162
00:06:06,565 --> 00:06:08,760
- put this shit behind us.
- I...
163
00:06:08,834 --> 00:06:11,064
- Look who I found.
- Oh, terrific.
164
00:06:11,136 --> 00:06:12,694
Catfish sliders are taking forever.
165
00:06:12,771 --> 00:06:14,238
- I am so sorry.
- It's fine.
166
00:06:14,306 --> 00:06:15,466
You weren't talking about us, were you?
167
00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,702
Oh, maybe? No.
168
00:06:17,776 --> 00:06:21,234
- Drew, it is so nice to meet you.
- Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
169
00:06:21,313 --> 00:06:24,544
Hey, Amy didn't tell me that you...
I'm sorry.
170
00:06:24,617 --> 00:06:26,175
Oh, no, it's fine. Uh...
171
00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:29,779
I was horseback riding a few years ago,
and the horse threw me off.
172
00:06:29,855 --> 00:06:31,186
- My God.
- Real far.
173
00:06:31,290 --> 00:06:32,382
I'm so sorry.
174
00:06:32,458 --> 00:06:35,655
Well, it was such a miracle
that I wasn't injured that to celebrate,
175
00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:37,320
Jon fucked me in the ass, and...
176
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,664
Long tragic story short,
177
00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:41,825
- I'm paralyzed now.
- Yeah.
178
00:06:42,268 --> 00:06:43,929
Guilty.
179
00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:46,267
"Guilty," he says. He says "guilty."
180
00:06:49,174 --> 00:06:50,903
No!
181
00:06:55,046 --> 00:06:57,105
- Do you have a sister?
- Yes.
182
00:06:57,182 --> 00:06:58,171
Do you guys talk about sex?
183
00:06:58,250 --> 00:06:59,581
- No!
- Not at all?
184
00:06:59,651 --> 00:07:01,744
I don't want her to have sex,
but I know she's having it.
185
00:07:01,820 --> 00:07:02,878
She's in college.
186
00:07:02,954 --> 00:07:05,514
Would you rather her
not have sex or not have anal sex?
187
00:07:05,590 --> 00:07:08,457
I would rather her be a nun.
188
00:07:14,566 --> 00:07:16,659
So then Jeff was like,
"What's your excuse for being late today?"
189
00:07:16,735 --> 00:07:19,067
And I was like,
"I don't have an excuse, I have a reason."
190
00:07:19,137 --> 00:07:20,161
Good for you.
191
00:07:20,238 --> 00:07:22,536
If your body oversleeps,
it's because it needs it.
192
00:07:22,607 --> 00:07:23,596
Shh.
193
00:07:24,309 --> 00:07:25,298
Will you stop it?
194
00:07:25,377 --> 00:07:28,175
That's what got us
kicked out of Guy Fieri's restaurant!
195
00:07:28,246 --> 00:07:30,441
- You're so bad!
- Don't say I never offered.
196
00:07:32,784 --> 00:07:34,046
Let's move in together.
197
00:07:34,786 --> 00:07:37,016
It's only been two weeks!
198
00:07:37,088 --> 00:07:38,817
- When you know, you know.
- Yeah.
199
00:07:38,890 --> 00:07:42,155
You're low-maintenance,
and it just feels okay.
200
00:07:42,227 --> 00:07:43,660
It feels right to me, too.
201
00:07:43,728 --> 00:07:45,252
Plus, my roommate's all over me about rent.
202
00:07:45,330 --> 00:07:47,389
She's your stepmom.
Why is she even charging you?
203
00:07:47,466 --> 00:07:48,899
I don't know.
204
00:07:49,367 --> 00:07:50,356
Mmm.
205
00:07:51,002 --> 00:07:52,230
I'm gonna hit the head.
206
00:07:53,872 --> 00:07:55,772
Check out this update, twatters.
207
00:07:55,974 --> 00:07:56,963
"Moving in..."
208
00:07:57,042 --> 00:07:58,168
Don't type a thing!
209
00:07:58,844 --> 00:08:00,607
Amy, it's me, you.
210
00:08:00,812 --> 00:08:02,712
I time-traveled from six years in the future.
211
00:08:02,781 --> 00:08:04,112
- How does that work?
- I don't know!
212
00:08:04,182 --> 00:08:05,171
How does electricity work?
213
00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:06,842
You just pay for it. Now listen.
214
00:08:06,918 --> 00:08:09,318
Five-years-in-the-future you
is gonna come back and talk to you.
215
00:08:09,387 --> 00:08:11,014
Wait, I thought you were from the future.
216
00:08:11,089 --> 00:08:12,488
I'm six-years-in-the-future you.
217
00:08:12,557 --> 00:08:14,650
Five-years-in-the-future you has bangs.
218
00:08:14,726 --> 00:08:16,523
Now, she's gonna come
and she's gonna tell you...
219
00:08:16,595 --> 00:08:17,721
If I should get bangs or not?
220
00:08:17,796 --> 00:08:19,525
No, shut the fuck up!
221
00:08:19,764 --> 00:08:21,595
She's gonna tell you
not to move in with Travis.
222
00:08:21,666 --> 00:08:22,758
Why not?
223
00:08:22,834 --> 00:08:23,823
Because he cheats on you,
224
00:08:23,902 --> 00:08:25,267
he gives you gonorrhea, and bedbugs.
225
00:08:25,337 --> 00:08:26,326
- It's a nightmare.
- Oh, God.
226
00:08:26,404 --> 00:08:28,065
I've never had bedbugs before.
227
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,571
- I won't move in with him.
- Oh, no, no, no.
228
00:08:29,641 --> 00:08:31,165
You have to move in with him, okay?
229
00:08:31,243 --> 00:08:33,211
It turns out that by being warned
to break up with Travis,
230
00:08:33,278 --> 00:08:35,405
that things in the future
get really screwed up,
231
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,710
and California is now in the ocean.
232
00:08:37,916 --> 00:08:39,383
You have to move in with him.
233
00:08:39,451 --> 00:08:40,918
Yeah, but bedbugs.
234
00:08:40,986 --> 00:08:43,011
The lives of millions depend on you!
235
00:08:43,088 --> 00:08:44,419
God, get off my back!
236
00:08:45,657 --> 00:08:48,251
Uh-uh, don't chub out on me now, roomie.
237
00:08:48,426 --> 00:08:52,226
I just lost about 10 "LBs" in the b-room.
238
00:08:52,297 --> 00:08:54,492
- Oh.
- I can't wait to move in with you.
239
00:08:54,799 --> 00:08:56,664
- Me too.
- How about a...
240
00:08:56,935 --> 00:08:58,800
Celebration beej?
241
00:08:58,870 --> 00:09:00,667
Travis, I think...
242
00:09:04,509 --> 00:09:06,272
Will you excuse me one second?
243
00:09:06,344 --> 00:09:07,333
I have to go to the bathroom.
244
00:09:07,612 --> 00:09:08,636
Oh, gross.
245
00:09:08,713 --> 00:09:10,442
I don't want to hear about that shit.
246
00:09:11,249 --> 00:09:12,773
- What's going on?
- You gotta go give him that blowj.
247
00:09:12,951 --> 00:09:14,316
What? Why?
248
00:09:14,386 --> 00:09:16,013
If you don't mouth-hug his yogurt gun,
249
00:09:16,087 --> 00:09:17,577
it turns out things get even worse,
250
00:09:17,656 --> 00:09:19,021
and Ebola knocks out all of France!
251
00:09:19,224 --> 00:09:20,782
How could that possibly be connected?
252
00:09:20,859 --> 00:09:22,520
I don't know, it just is!
253
00:09:22,594 --> 00:09:24,721
Your relationship is somehow
the butterfly wings
254
00:09:24,796 --> 00:09:26,696
that destroys the course of future events.
255
00:09:26,998 --> 00:09:28,556
- Now, go get under that table!
- No!
256
00:09:30,035 --> 00:09:31,024
Ah!
257
00:09:32,170 --> 00:09:33,159
You don't need to do that.
258
00:09:33,238 --> 00:09:35,331
Oh, thank God. I hate giving blowjobs.
259
00:09:35,407 --> 00:09:36,704
You do have to kill Travis, though.
260
00:09:36,808 --> 00:09:37,900
What the fuck?
261
00:09:37,976 --> 00:09:41,377
I'm not gonna bother explaining,
because we're both stupid.
262
00:09:41,446 --> 00:09:42,913
But here, take this.
263
00:09:42,981 --> 00:09:44,209
You have to kill Travis.
264
00:09:44,549 --> 00:09:45,573
Like this?
265
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:47,843
No, just hold it like a person.
266
00:09:47,919 --> 00:09:49,318
Hold it like a human person.
267
00:09:50,522 --> 00:09:51,716
- Now?
- Go!
268
00:09:52,457 --> 00:09:54,288
God, this fucking idiot.
269
00:09:55,794 --> 00:09:58,092
I can't kill someone
who's willing to sleep with me.
270
00:09:58,196 --> 00:09:59,527
She's gonna get kinda fat.
271
00:09:59,598 --> 00:10:01,156
You gotta break up with her.
272
00:10:01,700 --> 00:10:02,689
What?
273
00:10:02,934 --> 00:10:04,868
Oh, shit!
274
00:10:06,237 --> 00:10:08,171
I'm not gonna get fat, you're gonna get fat.
275
00:10:08,373 --> 00:10:10,307
Amy! Don't freak out.
276
00:10:10,375 --> 00:10:11,535
I'm from the future.
277
00:10:11,610 --> 00:10:14,340
You have to break up with Travis.
He totally breaks our heart!
278
00:10:14,779 --> 00:10:17,441
Oh, my God, I look so great with bangs!
279
00:10:17,515 --> 00:10:18,982
I know, right? Ahh!
280
00:10:25,389 --> 00:10:26,879
If you could travel back in time,
281
00:10:26,958 --> 00:10:27,947
would you kill Hitler?
282
00:10:28,292 --> 00:10:30,522
- Probably.
- What if he was very young?
283
00:10:30,628 --> 00:10:31,959
Are you asking, like, the minimal age
284
00:10:32,029 --> 00:10:33,018
- I would kill Hitler at?
- Yes, yes.
285
00:10:33,097 --> 00:10:34,792
So if you're saying, like, five years old,
286
00:10:34,866 --> 00:10:36,561
- maybe younger?
- Five years old, full 'stache.
287
00:10:36,634 --> 00:10:38,226
- He had a 'stache at five?
- Arm band.
288
00:10:38,302 --> 00:10:40,133
- I'd do it. Yeah.
- Little hand out. All day.
289
00:10:40,204 --> 00:10:41,796
I'd kill the five-year-old Hitler.
290
00:10:41,873 --> 00:10:43,204
- That's very sweet. That's very sweet.
- Oh, my God.
291
00:10:45,977 --> 00:10:47,968
Well, no, I don't read,
but it's books on tape.
292
00:10:48,045 --> 00:10:49,569
Like 50 Shades Of Grey prequel.
293
00:10:49,780 --> 00:10:51,577
- Oh, I didn't know there was a prequel.
- Yeah.
294
00:10:51,649 --> 00:10:53,617
There're like nine, it's super cute.
295
00:10:53,718 --> 00:10:55,151
- Oh.
- Caroline.
296
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:56,618
I am so happy to see you!
297
00:10:56,687 --> 00:10:57,745
I haven't seen you in forevs.
298
00:10:57,822 --> 00:10:59,084
- I know.
- You know?
299
00:10:59,157 --> 00:11:00,624
- It's been so long.
- Right?
300
00:11:00,691 --> 00:11:03,387
Ever since Greg put a ring on it,
and I'm just, like,
301
00:11:03,461 --> 00:11:04,826
out of the loop.
302
00:11:04,929 --> 00:11:05,987
I guess that's what happens.
303
00:11:06,097 --> 00:11:08,292
How's Zack? Did you guys set a date yet?
304
00:11:08,599 --> 00:11:11,466
You should do exactly what Greg and I did.
Destination wedding,
305
00:11:11,536 --> 00:11:14,869
middle of nowhere, New Year's Eve...
306
00:11:14,939 --> 00:11:17,635
Nobody's bummed to get that invite.
Everybody's psyched.
307
00:11:17,708 --> 00:11:20,643
Actually, Zack and I broke up, like,
six months ago.
308
00:11:20,878 --> 00:11:22,470
- Oh, my God, are you okay?
- Yeah.
309
00:11:22,647 --> 00:11:24,410
It was kind of rough
'cause we were living together,
310
00:11:24,482 --> 00:11:25,881
and then his mom got really sick,
311
00:11:25,950 --> 00:11:28,111
- and that's when...
- You need to fuck him out of your system.
312
00:11:28,319 --> 00:11:30,753
He's got your clam on dick-lock,
313
00:11:30,821 --> 00:11:33,881
and you just need to find a new key
to undo your combination.
314
00:11:33,958 --> 00:11:35,118
Do you know what I mean?
315
00:11:35,193 --> 00:11:36,888
- No.
- I am gonna wingwoman you!
316
00:11:36,961 --> 00:11:38,724
I've never been a wingwoman before.
317
00:11:38,796 --> 00:11:39,854
This is my chance!
318
00:11:40,031 --> 00:11:41,589
Oh, my God, we're gonna have so much fun.
319
00:11:41,666 --> 00:11:42,690
Hey, you're cute.
320
00:11:42,767 --> 00:11:44,598
Hi! Hi, there, hi.
321
00:11:44,669 --> 00:11:46,603
- What's your name?
- Oh, hi, I'm Chris.
322
00:11:46,671 --> 00:11:49,003
Oh, my God, Chris. That's so hot.
323
00:11:49,073 --> 00:11:51,906
- This is Caroline. Caroline, this is Chris.
- Hey, how's it...
324
00:11:51,976 --> 00:11:53,238
How's it going?
325
00:11:53,311 --> 00:11:55,142
It's good. How are you?
326
00:11:56,647 --> 00:11:59,207
What do you do, Chris? You're so strong.
327
00:11:59,784 --> 00:12:01,649
Are you a trainer? Feel his bicep.
328
00:12:01,719 --> 00:12:03,311
Oh, that's okay.
329
00:12:03,621 --> 00:12:06,249
Actually, I do accounting in a law firm.
330
00:12:06,324 --> 00:12:08,019
Not with those abs, you don't.
331
00:12:08,226 --> 00:12:10,524
So what do you say, Chris?
You gonna train us?
332
00:12:10,695 --> 00:12:13,528
Will you give us a special two-for-one rate?
333
00:12:13,631 --> 00:12:16,429
You know, I could train you in accounting.
334
00:12:19,804 --> 00:12:22,705
- Isn't he amazing?
- So, what do you do?
335
00:12:22,773 --> 00:12:24,968
Oh, shoot. I'm gonna text my husband.
336
00:12:25,042 --> 00:12:28,034
Okay, you two talk, okay?
337
00:12:30,915 --> 00:12:32,109
So...
338
00:12:32,416 --> 00:12:33,781
She's married?
339
00:12:34,085 --> 00:12:36,019
Oh, yeah. She...
340
00:12:43,794 --> 00:12:46,160
So what kind of accounting do you do?
341
00:12:47,932 --> 00:12:49,559
Whoo! Where's Chris?
342
00:12:49,634 --> 00:12:50,828
Did you blow him?
343
00:12:51,035 --> 00:12:53,333
No, you know what?
344
00:12:53,404 --> 00:12:54,996
I think he was actually really into you.
345
00:12:55,139 --> 00:12:57,573
Yeah, right. I'm totally married, ew.
346
00:12:57,742 --> 00:12:59,437
You're the hot single one.
347
00:12:59,777 --> 00:13:01,870
This wingwoman isn't stopping
348
00:13:01,946 --> 00:13:04,005
until I hijack some guy's dick
349
00:13:04,081 --> 00:13:07,278
and get it to just cram
right into your landing strip.
350
00:13:07,485 --> 00:13:09,112
Eh, eh.
351
00:13:09,253 --> 00:13:10,845
- That was a plane.
- Ew.
352
00:13:11,322 --> 00:13:12,914
You don't have to do that, okay?
353
00:13:12,990 --> 00:13:14,890
We kind of have different
styles about this...
354
00:13:14,959 --> 00:13:16,483
No, I do, I feel so bad.
355
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,494
I knew Zack was cheating on you
the whole time...
356
00:13:18,562 --> 00:13:19,586
Wait, what?
357
00:13:19,664 --> 00:13:21,188
Look what I found!
358
00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:23,697
Derek, Caroline. Caroline, Derek.
359
00:13:23,801 --> 00:13:25,166
- Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.
360
00:13:25,503 --> 00:13:27,562
Oh, my God, sparks, sparks, sparks.
361
00:13:27,805 --> 00:13:30,069
You're gonna love Caroline.
362
00:13:30,141 --> 00:13:33,235
She's hot, she's funny, she's flawless,
363
00:13:33,577 --> 00:13:35,306
she woke up like this.
364
00:13:35,379 --> 00:13:36,846
She's sexy like all the Kardashians,
365
00:13:36,914 --> 00:13:39,542
but with Scott Disick's whip-smart attitude.
366
00:13:39,984 --> 00:13:41,178
Ashlee Simpson voice,
367
00:13:41,252 --> 00:13:42,685
OJ Simpson strength.
368
00:13:42,887 --> 00:13:45,947
She's Casey Anthony hot,
but with no baggage.
369
00:13:46,390 --> 00:13:48,881
Amy told me that you had
a radio show back in college.
370
00:13:48,959 --> 00:13:50,051
- Is that right?
- I'm sorry,
371
00:13:50,127 --> 00:13:51,526
are you mad at me for telling him?
372
00:13:51,595 --> 00:13:53,119
It was, like, this world music...
373
00:13:53,197 --> 00:13:55,461
- Wait, let's play a game, okay?
- Okay.
374
00:13:55,533 --> 00:13:56,625
- Close your eyes.
- Okay.
375
00:13:56,701 --> 00:13:58,293
Give me your hand...
376
00:13:58,602 --> 00:14:00,627
Guess where your finger is right now.
377
00:14:01,339 --> 00:14:02,328
Is that...
378
00:14:04,608 --> 00:14:06,803
- My pussy.
- Oh! Okay.
379
00:14:06,911 --> 00:14:09,778
- Okay, guess what song I'm squeezing to.
- Sure, okay, this is...
380
00:14:10,047 --> 00:14:11,514
Um...
381
00:14:11,582 --> 00:14:13,072
- Maroon 5?
- Yes!
382
00:14:13,150 --> 00:14:14,845
- Maroon 5? I got it?
- Hey, soul sister!
383
00:14:14,919 --> 00:14:17,149
Caroline, don't you love
how good he is at this game?
384
00:14:17,221 --> 00:14:18,518
Oh, my God.
385
00:14:18,656 --> 00:14:20,988
Oh, that's good.
Good job, girl, play hard to get.
386
00:14:21,058 --> 00:14:22,491
I'll keep him warm for you.
387
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:23,959
Guess where your finger is now.
388
00:14:24,628 --> 00:14:26,118
Eyes closed.
389
00:14:26,197 --> 00:14:27,391
Make a fist.
390
00:14:35,304 --> 00:14:37,067
And you're certain
391
00:14:37,139 --> 00:14:38,731
it was these two women
392
00:14:38,808 --> 00:14:39,866
who cursed your husband?
393
00:14:39,942 --> 00:14:41,671
They're not women, they're witches!
394
00:14:44,146 --> 00:14:45,135
Die!
395
00:14:46,048 --> 00:14:47,709
Ask him yourself!
396
00:14:47,783 --> 00:14:50,581
John, tell the judge what you told me.
397
00:14:53,222 --> 00:14:56,089
Well, last week, I was walking home
398
00:14:56,158 --> 00:14:57,989
past the tavern of their employ.
399
00:14:58,427 --> 00:15:00,327
And I glanced in for a mere moment,
400
00:15:00,396 --> 00:15:02,990
and I was struck by their dark witchcraft!
401
00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:06,065
I know not what happened next.
402
00:15:06,469 --> 00:15:10,462
He returned home near sunup,
dark welts on his neck.
403
00:15:10,539 --> 00:15:11,801
- Oh!
- And then...
404
00:15:11,874 --> 00:15:12,898
Tell them the other thing.
405
00:15:14,543 --> 00:15:15,976
Out with it!
406
00:15:17,613 --> 00:15:19,342
My member hath been cursed!
407
00:15:20,516 --> 00:15:21,744
Since happening past their tavern,
408
00:15:21,817 --> 00:15:25,218
I've had a fiery pain in my shaft
upon evacuation
409
00:15:25,288 --> 00:15:27,722
and an immense itching down there
that cannot be satiated
410
00:15:27,790 --> 00:15:29,917
no matter how oft I scratch!
411
00:15:29,992 --> 00:15:33,291
Night after night,
these sirens call him in his sleep,
412
00:15:33,529 --> 00:15:36,157
luring him into their dark confusions.
413
00:15:36,232 --> 00:15:38,462
Burn them! Burn the witches!
414
00:15:40,236 --> 00:15:44,002
My husband had the same affliction
after meeting with these two.
415
00:15:44,073 --> 00:15:46,098
And mine. Tell them, James. Tell them!
416
00:15:47,810 --> 00:15:50,210
I patronized their tavern a month ago, and...
417
00:15:50,579 --> 00:15:52,274
Since that night,
418
00:15:52,381 --> 00:15:54,076
my plow has been riddled with pox.
419
00:15:54,150 --> 00:15:56,948
A red, raging pox!
420
00:15:59,055 --> 00:16:00,317
Which one...
421
00:16:01,357 --> 00:16:02,984
Bewitched you?
422
00:16:03,059 --> 00:16:04,458
The one on the left.
423
00:16:04,593 --> 00:16:05,651
Yeah, the one on the right got me.
424
00:16:06,996 --> 00:16:07,985
Noice.
425
00:16:08,264 --> 00:16:09,390
What was that, sir?
426
00:16:10,299 --> 00:16:12,995
Oh, yeah. Yeah, they got me, too.
427
00:16:13,302 --> 00:16:14,963
These two put such a big hex on me
428
00:16:15,271 --> 00:16:17,671
that I got a harrowing
thrash of redness down there.
429
00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:21,237
I can no longer glorify the Lord
with hand congress
430
00:16:21,377 --> 00:16:22,867
- 'cause of you two.
- Oh!
431
00:16:23,045 --> 00:16:25,673
I know for a fact these women are witches.
432
00:16:27,216 --> 00:16:29,548
One, they're completely hairless down there.
433
00:16:29,719 --> 00:16:31,346
- That's true!
- And two,
434
00:16:31,420 --> 00:16:33,650
they're left-hand dominant.
435
00:16:33,723 --> 00:16:35,486
I mean, they're pretty good with both,
436
00:16:35,558 --> 00:16:37,583
but they're especially good with their lefts!
437
00:16:39,528 --> 00:16:40,927
How do you know of this, Lana?
438
00:16:41,030 --> 00:16:43,123
Oh, they use their satanic voodoo
439
00:16:43,199 --> 00:16:46,896
to send me visions of their
shorn mounds in my dreams!
440
00:16:46,969 --> 00:16:48,197
Don't you mean nightmares?
441
00:16:48,270 --> 00:16:49,294
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
442
00:16:49,605 --> 00:16:50,799
Black magic!
443
00:16:53,809 --> 00:16:55,572
Silence!
444
00:16:56,245 --> 00:16:57,303
Goody Amy...
445
00:16:57,847 --> 00:16:59,144
And Goody Baddy.
446
00:16:59,515 --> 00:17:02,211
After hearing these charges, I have no choice
447
00:17:02,385 --> 00:17:04,478
but to find you guilty of witchcraft.
448
00:17:06,288 --> 00:17:08,119
I hereby sentence the both of you
449
00:17:08,190 --> 00:17:10,420
to be burned at the stake until you are dead.
450
00:17:13,696 --> 00:17:15,095
Any last words?
451
00:17:17,733 --> 00:17:19,325
Witches!
452
00:17:19,702 --> 00:17:20,691
Witches!
453
00:17:23,606 --> 00:17:25,938
Let them speak.
454
00:17:29,378 --> 00:17:31,608
Oh, oh, that's delightful. Mmm.
455
00:17:32,048 --> 00:17:33,982
Yes?
456
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:37,209
Oh, heavens. Oh, thunder and brimstone.
457
00:17:37,286 --> 00:17:40,187
Uh,
Upon further review of new evidence,
458
00:17:40,256 --> 00:17:42,952
I've decided we are sentencing them
to a private...
459
00:17:43,059 --> 00:17:44,686
What's called a "private burning,"
460
00:17:45,061 --> 00:17:49,225
where all of you people leave now,
and us three...
461
00:17:49,298 --> 00:17:52,392
It's a private ceremony.
Please, get out. Get out.
462
00:17:52,468 --> 00:17:54,595
What part of "out" don't you get,
the o, u, or t?
463
00:17:54,670 --> 00:17:56,160
I want to start this burning
as soon as you leave.
464
00:17:56,372 --> 00:17:57,430
James!
465
00:17:57,773 --> 00:18:00,367
- James!
- What? I'm under a spell.
466
00:18:08,617 --> 00:18:10,380
So, Dina, you used to be Amish?
467
00:18:10,619 --> 00:18:11,608
Yes.
468
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,689
How long were you Amish
and living that lifestyle?
469
00:18:15,157 --> 00:18:17,557
Twenty-four years.
470
00:18:17,660 --> 00:18:19,457
Wow. But you still dress Amish.
471
00:18:19,695 --> 00:18:21,219
Yeah, sometimes I do.
472
00:18:21,397 --> 00:18:23,627
- So you still, like, sometimes wanna rock it?
- Yep.
473
00:18:23,699 --> 00:18:25,929
What was your guiltiest pleasure
when you were Amish?
474
00:18:26,001 --> 00:18:28,435
I like The Three Stooges.
475
00:18:28,671 --> 00:18:30,832
They've made some new comedies,
though, since then.
476
00:18:30,906 --> 00:18:32,430
Yeah.
477
00:18:32,508 --> 00:18:34,032
How old were you
when you had your first drink?
478
00:18:34,110 --> 00:18:37,807
I would say I was 29, maybe?
479
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,007
- What was it?
- A Mike's Hard Lemonade.
480
00:18:42,218 --> 00:18:43,480
Did you like it?
481
00:18:43,586 --> 00:18:44,575
Yeah.
482
00:18:44,820 --> 00:18:45,809
There you go.
483
00:18:45,888 --> 00:18:48,686
How's the equality between men and women
in the Amish community?
484
00:18:48,757 --> 00:18:49,917
The women are...
485
00:18:49,992 --> 00:18:51,653
They all have their roles.
486
00:18:51,794 --> 00:18:53,284
Raise the children,
487
00:18:53,362 --> 00:18:55,830
10 to 15, 20 kids.
488
00:18:55,898 --> 00:18:57,661
I was in a family of 14.
489
00:18:57,833 --> 00:18:59,391
And what type of wheelchair
was your mom in?
490
00:18:59,468 --> 00:19:01,095
Right?
491
00:19:01,270 --> 00:19:04,239
What would a typical day be for you?
492
00:19:04,406 --> 00:19:05,464
Get up in the morning...
493
00:19:05,541 --> 00:19:07,099
- What time?
- 5:00.
494
00:19:07,676 --> 00:19:09,268
Go milk a cow by hand.
495
00:19:09,478 --> 00:19:10,502
What's that cow's name?
496
00:19:10,579 --> 00:19:12,444
Could be Judy...
497
00:19:13,315 --> 00:19:14,304
Chelsea.
498
00:19:14,683 --> 00:19:16,514
Did you have favorite cows?
499
00:19:16,785 --> 00:19:18,616
Yes, the ones that didn't kick.
500
00:19:19,088 --> 00:19:20,817
Have you been kicked by a cow?
501
00:19:20,890 --> 00:19:22,653
- I have.
- God damn it!
502
00:19:23,592 --> 00:19:26,117
How did you end up with your husband?
503
00:19:26,328 --> 00:19:28,888
How did you meet him?
Like, where did you see him for the first time?
504
00:19:28,964 --> 00:19:30,192
Actually, on the road.
505
00:19:30,533 --> 00:19:32,558
- Yeah?
- He stopped his horse and buggy
506
00:19:32,635 --> 00:19:34,899
and picked me and my younger sister up.
507
00:19:35,037 --> 00:19:37,528
Did he ask you out? Like, what happens?
508
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:38,629
I played hard to get.
509
00:19:38,707 --> 00:19:39,731
- You did?
- Yeah.
510
00:19:39,808 --> 00:19:41,207
What'd you say?
You were like, "I'll think about it"?
511
00:19:41,277 --> 00:19:42,266
Yeah.
512
00:19:43,913 --> 00:19:46,643
- And then what? And then...
- Have you ever heard of bed courtship?
513
00:19:46,715 --> 00:19:48,706
- No.
- They date in bed.
514
00:19:49,718 --> 00:19:50,707
- In...
- What's that?
515
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,013
In bed.
516
00:19:54,089 --> 00:19:55,750
- You got that?
- I did get that.
517
00:19:55,824 --> 00:19:56,813
- Courtship.
- They didn't have sex.
518
00:19:57,459 --> 00:19:58,926
But you hang out in bed?
519
00:19:58,994 --> 00:20:01,724
Yeah, we just talk and...
520
00:20:01,797 --> 00:20:03,526
Rock back and forth and...
521
00:20:04,066 --> 00:20:05,624
- Rock back and forth?
- Yeah, kind of, like,
522
00:20:05,701 --> 00:20:06,690
- hold each other...
- You hold each other,
523
00:20:06,769 --> 00:20:08,669
- and you kind of, like, rock?
- Yeah.
524
00:20:08,737 --> 00:20:10,398
- Yep.
- Side-to-side or front-back?
525
00:20:10,472 --> 00:20:11,461
Side-to-side.
526
00:20:11,540 --> 00:20:14,338
How long did you bed courtship without sex?
527
00:20:14,410 --> 00:20:16,241
We got married...
528
00:20:16,312 --> 00:20:17,301
A year after.
529
00:20:17,379 --> 00:20:19,313
So you guys were just rocking
in that bed for a year?
530
00:20:19,415 --> 00:20:20,814
Sure, yeah.
531
00:20:20,883 --> 00:20:22,373
So how does everybody
stay in such good shape?
532
00:20:22,451 --> 00:20:25,386
'Cause you never see, like,
a fat-ass Amish person.
533
00:20:25,454 --> 00:20:26,819
- You don't?
- I don't think so.
534
00:20:26,889 --> 00:20:28,914
Were there a bunch of tubbies
when you were there?
535
00:20:29,024 --> 00:20:30,616
- Yeah.
- Oh, okay.
536
00:20:30,726 --> 00:20:33,354
What's something that nobody would
ever guess about Amish people?
537
00:20:33,429 --> 00:20:35,329
That they are rude.
538
00:20:35,397 --> 00:20:36,921
- That Amish people can be rude?
- Yeah.
539
00:20:38,867 --> 00:20:40,266
Do you have any questions for me?
540
00:20:40,336 --> 00:20:42,236
- How old are you?
- Thirty-three.
541
00:20:42,304 --> 00:20:44,272
- Really?
- Yeah. Zero kids.
542
00:20:44,340 --> 00:20:45,329
Mmm.
543
00:20:45,441 --> 00:20:47,375
- It's relaxing.
- Do you ever want kids?
544
00:20:47,443 --> 00:20:48,637
Maybe.
545
00:20:49,111 --> 00:20:50,703
Or maybe I just want a Pomeranian.
546
00:20:57,853 --> 00:20:59,548
Cut, cut.
547
00:20:59,622 --> 00:21:00,714
So easy.
548
00:21:01,056 --> 00:21:02,182
Mmm, magic.
549
00:21:05,227 --> 00:21:06,819
Wowie, kazowie.
550
00:21:07,563 --> 00:21:08,621
Um...
551
00:21:09,164 --> 00:21:11,132
Yes. And they look so innocent.
552
00:21:11,900 --> 00:21:13,060
You people still here?
553
00:21:14,169 --> 00:21:15,727
Go home and make artisanal pickles,
554
00:21:15,804 --> 00:21:17,328
you fuckin' hipsters.
39659
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