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Introducing Dye Another Day,
2
00:00:27,393 --> 00:00:30,191
Squ'oreal's new hair color
for women on the run.
3
00:00:30,262 --> 00:00:31,388
Because I'm worth it.
4
00:00:31,463 --> 00:00:32,463
Fuck!
5
00:00:35,701 --> 00:00:37,430
Dye another day,
6
00:00:37,503 --> 00:00:39,061
now with a free gauze bandage!
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00:00:49,281 --> 00:00:50,959
I know what you're all thinking right now.
You're like,
8
00:00:50,983 --> 00:00:53,679
"How do we date you?" Um...
9
00:00:54,086 --> 00:00:55,951
Well, you can't. You can't.
10
00:00:56,021 --> 00:00:58,785
And not 'cause I'm not totally
out of the woods with this UTI,
11
00:00:58,857 --> 00:01:01,257
but also...
12
00:01:02,061 --> 00:01:03,585
I'm not on any dating sites.
13
00:01:03,662 --> 00:01:05,721
Like, I feel like you're just not
allowed to do that
14
00:01:05,798 --> 00:01:07,242
if you've ever been on television,
for some reason.
15
00:01:07,266 --> 00:01:09,177
People are like, "Oh, my God,
that's so fucking sad."
16
00:01:09,201 --> 00:01:10,845
And you're like, "You're right.
I should die alone."
17
00:01:10,869 --> 00:01:11,893
Um...
18
00:01:14,773 --> 00:01:17,071
I was gonna get eyelash extensions,
19
00:01:17,142 --> 00:01:19,406
but then I did get those Uggs
that I've been eyeing.
20
00:01:19,478 --> 00:01:20,672
- Oh, okay.
- Yolo.
21
00:01:20,746 --> 00:01:22,236
- Right, yeah. I guess so.
- You know.
22
00:01:22,314 --> 00:01:24,325
Um, hey, I'm gonna go get
another drink from the bar.
23
00:01:24,349 --> 00:01:25,349
You want anything?
24
00:01:25,417 --> 00:01:28,443
Ooh, yeah, would you get me
a Mexican Russian mojito bomb?
25
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,420
Babe, those take forever to make.
26
00:01:30,489 --> 00:01:32,529
Why don't you just get
a glass of wine or something?
27
00:01:32,558 --> 00:01:33,957
No, please, babe!
28
00:01:34,026 --> 00:01:35,323
Okay, oh, yeah. Okay.
29
00:01:35,394 --> 00:01:36,861
- All right.
- A skinny-girl one.
30
00:01:36,929 --> 00:01:37,953
Okay.
31
00:01:41,066 --> 00:01:42,966
- Hey.
- Hi, how you doing?
32
00:01:43,202 --> 00:01:44,726
- Nice party, huh?
- Yeah.
33
00:01:44,803 --> 00:01:45,827
Ooh, I like your shirt.
34
00:01:46,071 --> 00:01:47,299
- It's ironic.
- Right.
35
00:01:47,372 --> 00:01:48,566
- Right?
- That is ironic.
36
00:01:48,674 --> 00:01:49,971
So how do you know Glen?
37
00:01:50,042 --> 00:01:51,839
Oh, um, I don't know Glen.
38
00:01:51,910 --> 00:01:54,003
He was my boyfriend's roommate in college.
39
00:01:54,079 --> 00:01:56,524
Okay, you don't have to slip in that
you have a boyfriend, okay?
40
00:01:56,548 --> 00:02:00,040
I was just making casual
conversation, all right?
41
00:02:00,119 --> 00:02:02,087
You're just a four. Wow.
42
00:02:03,655 --> 00:02:04,986
I wasn't even making...
43
00:02:06,625 --> 00:02:08,593
- Sorry. Excuse me.
- No, no, no, no. You're fine.
44
00:02:08,660 --> 00:02:11,026
I haven't even had enough
drinks to be stumbling.
45
00:02:11,096 --> 00:02:13,121
Which is a sign I should
probably get another one.
46
00:02:13,198 --> 00:02:14,597
Yeah, I hear you.
47
00:02:14,666 --> 00:02:16,065
Can I get you something?
48
00:02:16,135 --> 00:02:18,695
Oh, no, no, no.
My boyfriend's grabbing me one.
49
00:02:18,770 --> 00:02:22,137
Wow, you're arrogant.
I was just trying to be nice.
50
00:02:22,207 --> 00:02:24,018
You don't have to cram in
that you have a boyfriend.
51
00:02:24,042 --> 00:02:26,602
- No, I wasn't doing that.
- I only sleep with Asian girls.
52
00:02:27,012 --> 00:02:28,274
Pretty arrogant.
53
00:02:28,347 --> 00:02:29,609
For a three.
54
00:02:32,084 --> 00:02:33,449
I'm a four.
55
00:02:38,790 --> 00:02:41,350
Looks like you don't know too
many people here either, huh?
56
00:02:41,426 --> 00:02:42,859
Oh, no, I just...
57
00:02:43,428 --> 00:02:44,690
Four.
58
00:02:46,098 --> 00:02:47,588
No.
59
00:02:47,766 --> 00:02:49,290
- Where are you from?
- Long Island.
60
00:02:49,368 --> 00:02:50,995
Ooh, Long Island, that's cool.
61
00:02:51,069 --> 00:02:52,161
Yeah.
62
00:02:52,237 --> 00:02:54,034
Can I get you a drink?
63
00:02:55,407 --> 00:02:56,772
No, I... I'm...
64
00:02:58,577 --> 00:03:00,408
- Yeah, that'd be great, yeah.
- Yeah?
65
00:03:00,479 --> 00:03:01,656
- What do you want?
- White wine.
66
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,841
- Oh, I'll be right back.
- Thank you.
67
00:03:05,584 --> 00:03:07,279
- Here.
- Oh, wow.
68
00:03:07,352 --> 00:03:08,444
- That was easy.
- Yeah.
69
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:11,751
This poor schmuck over there is waiting
for this like insanely complicated drink
70
00:03:11,823 --> 00:03:13,814
that you have to, like,
harvest a field to make.
71
00:03:13,892 --> 00:03:15,450
Oh, my God.
72
00:03:15,527 --> 00:03:18,428
What kind of a piece of shit
wants a really refreshing drink like that?
73
00:03:20,232 --> 00:03:21,460
So what town are you from?
74
00:03:21,533 --> 00:03:24,001
I'm from Ronkonkoma.
You ever been to the Konk?
75
00:03:24,736 --> 00:03:26,135
Oh, my God, you're amazing.
76
00:03:26,205 --> 00:03:28,173
- I'm so glad you were at that party.
- Mmm.
77
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:29,707
How do you know Glen?
78
00:03:30,642 --> 00:03:34,510
I can't remember
'cause I'm having an orgasm right now.
79
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:36,479
- Oh!
- Yeah.
80
00:03:36,548 --> 00:03:37,845
Okay, yeah, go!
81
00:03:37,916 --> 00:03:39,474
Oh, my God, yeah!
82
00:03:41,620 --> 00:03:44,088
Boyfriend. I have a boyfriend.
83
00:03:46,258 --> 00:03:47,418
Hey, Henry?
84
00:03:47,492 --> 00:03:51,758
And cup of cocoa with an extra marshmallow
for my best girl.
85
00:03:53,432 --> 00:03:54,694
What's up?
86
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,365
Merry Christmas.
87
00:03:56,435 --> 00:03:57,595
Merry Christmas.
88
00:04:01,006 --> 00:04:02,817
Okay, I feel like I have to
tell you something.
89
00:04:02,841 --> 00:04:05,309
Remember the night you
met me at that party?
90
00:04:05,377 --> 00:04:06,674
I was by myself.
91
00:04:08,213 --> 00:04:10,013
- I have, um...
- Let me stop you right there.
92
00:04:10,182 --> 00:04:14,243
Because you will never
be by yourself again.
93
00:04:14,319 --> 00:04:15,718
What? What are you doing?
94
00:04:15,787 --> 00:04:18,119
Will you marry me?
95
00:04:18,190 --> 00:04:19,487
Oh, my God.
96
00:04:19,558 --> 00:04:20,684
Um...
97
00:04:23,929 --> 00:04:24,987
Yep.
98
00:04:25,063 --> 00:04:27,463
She said, "Yep!" She said, "Yep!"
99
00:04:27,532 --> 00:04:29,193
Yes!
100
00:04:29,268 --> 00:04:30,428
I will.
101
00:04:30,502 --> 00:04:33,232
Oh, you've made me the happiest
man in Ronkonkoma.
102
00:04:34,806 --> 00:04:38,674
Henry, I have to tell you something.
103
00:04:41,813 --> 00:04:43,405
I have a boyfriend.
104
00:04:43,982 --> 00:04:47,315
Ever since we met, that party,
105
00:04:47,386 --> 00:04:50,287
he was getting me a drink
and it took too long.
106
00:04:50,522 --> 00:04:55,391
God, I just didn't want to be arrogant
and slip in that I had a boyfriend.
107
00:04:55,460 --> 00:04:59,226
I tried to tell you after Bennett was born,
108
00:04:59,298 --> 00:05:02,165
but by then, it was super weird.
109
00:05:02,234 --> 00:05:03,496
Wow.
110
00:05:04,803 --> 00:05:06,532
Slow your roll, asshole.
111
00:05:07,439 --> 00:05:11,842
I was never interested in you anyway
'cause I'm gay, PS.
112
00:05:11,910 --> 00:05:14,504
- What?
- I just needed a beard
113
00:05:15,013 --> 00:05:19,473
so I could keep my job at Halliburton.
114
00:05:20,819 --> 00:05:22,047
Arrogant.
115
00:05:23,555 --> 00:05:24,579
Oh.
116
00:05:29,027 --> 00:05:30,051
Ooh!
117
00:05:32,764 --> 00:05:34,459
Hey! There she is.
118
00:05:34,533 --> 00:05:36,899
Baby, I missed you so much. Mwah.
119
00:05:36,968 --> 00:05:39,459
Sorry things got so out
of hand at that party.
120
00:05:39,538 --> 00:05:42,132
They were out of Malibu,
so I got you some well rum.
121
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,435
Oh, I don't want this.
122
00:05:45,577 --> 00:05:47,636
Oh, can I just have a mudslide instead?
123
00:05:48,313 --> 00:05:49,507
Please?
124
00:05:50,215 --> 00:05:51,477
Well rum?
125
00:05:54,486 --> 00:05:56,631
Did you ever tell someone you
had a boyfriend, like, too soon,
126
00:05:56,655 --> 00:05:58,452
and they were like, "I wasn't even..."?
127
00:05:58,523 --> 00:06:00,115
- Yes.
- What happened?
128
00:06:00,192 --> 00:06:02,956
The guy was like,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, it's okay.
129
00:06:03,028 --> 00:06:04,772
"That's not where I'm
trying to go with this."
130
00:06:04,796 --> 00:06:06,286
- Did you believe him?
- No.
131
00:06:06,665 --> 00:06:07,757
No way.
132
00:06:07,833 --> 00:06:10,165
You're like,
"Your hand's on my thigh, sir."
133
00:09:11,581 --> 00:09:13,606
Have you ever had a barista
make a fancy design
134
00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:14,763
in the foam of your coffee?
135
00:09:14,818 --> 00:09:16,251
I have, yes.
136
00:09:16,453 --> 00:09:18,353
- Did you read into it?
- No.
137
00:09:18,688 --> 00:09:20,519
- Yeah, me neither.
- No.
138
00:09:25,662 --> 00:09:28,631
Amy was just a regular ordinary girl
139
00:09:28,698 --> 00:09:30,598
in the kingdom of Agribar.
140
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:34,330
I am a rancid peasant girl
141
00:09:34,404 --> 00:09:38,534
Until one day,
her most impossible dreams came true.
142
00:09:40,544 --> 00:09:43,570
Amy, I'm Willenby, your royal attaché.
143
00:09:43,647 --> 00:09:45,615
It's time you knew the truth.
144
00:09:45,682 --> 00:09:48,150
You're not a disgusting,
filthy commoner at all.
145
00:09:48,585 --> 00:09:50,746
You're a princess!
146
00:09:51,455 --> 00:09:52,717
A princess?
147
00:09:53,523 --> 00:09:55,457
Me? Oh!
148
00:09:56,393 --> 00:09:59,055
And now her life is going to change.
149
00:09:59,563 --> 00:10:01,121
I'm a real princess.
150
00:10:02,099 --> 00:10:05,068
I could get used to this
151
00:10:05,335 --> 00:10:08,634
I deserve this castle
152
00:10:08,705 --> 00:10:11,139
And now it's time to greet your prince.
153
00:10:11,341 --> 00:10:12,365
My prince?
154
00:10:12,476 --> 00:10:15,673
But of course, every princess
must marry a dashing prince.
155
00:10:15,745 --> 00:10:17,144
Would you like to meet him?
156
00:10:17,214 --> 00:10:18,647
Fuck yeah, Willenby!
157
00:10:18,715 --> 00:10:21,775
Watch as Amy leaves
her humdrum life behind
158
00:10:21,885 --> 00:10:24,376
and learns the ways of royalty.
159
00:10:24,521 --> 00:10:28,048
Presenting her royal
highness, Princess Amy!
160
00:10:34,464 --> 00:10:35,795
Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's that dude?
161
00:10:35,999 --> 00:10:37,125
Most certainly.
162
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:40,533
Your marriage will legalize the alliance
between our kingdoms.
163
00:10:40,804 --> 00:10:43,102
Yeah, but, like, I thought,
'cause I'm the princess,
164
00:10:43,173 --> 00:10:45,107
I could, you know, like,
pick whoever I want.
165
00:10:45,175 --> 00:10:46,972
Oh, heavens no.
166
00:10:47,043 --> 00:10:49,170
We must maintain the purity
of the royal bloodline.
167
00:10:49,513 --> 00:10:51,913
Prince Gilligan here is
actually your first cousin.
168
00:10:52,549 --> 00:10:55,211
Yeah, but, like, that doesn't seem cool.
169
00:10:55,385 --> 00:10:58,013
Guess what, I'm not into you either, bitch.
170
00:10:58,855 --> 00:11:01,688
Behold the enchanting romance.
171
00:11:03,059 --> 00:11:04,617
Hey, thank you for swinging by.
172
00:11:04,694 --> 00:11:08,130
Turns out I'm not really comfortable
sleeping with a close relative.
173
00:11:08,565 --> 00:11:10,795
And also, I just turned 14.
174
00:11:11,201 --> 00:11:15,365
According to your lunar cycle,
now is the optimal time to conceive.
175
00:11:15,438 --> 00:11:17,736
- You're tracking my periods?
- Of course.
176
00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:20,469
Incubating a prince is
literally your only role.
177
00:11:20,544 --> 00:11:22,068
But won't the baby be all, like...
178
00:11:22,145 --> 00:11:23,874
Like, jacked up?
179
00:11:23,947 --> 00:11:25,744
As sure is my name is Willenby.
180
00:11:25,849 --> 00:11:28,181
But Willenby!
181
00:11:28,251 --> 00:11:29,513
Now!
182
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:34,081
Sure, not everything about
being a princess is a piece of cake.
183
00:11:34,157 --> 00:11:35,317
Princess Amy,
184
00:11:35,392 --> 00:11:39,192
for the crime of producing
only female offspring,
185
00:11:39,262 --> 00:11:41,025
you are hereby sentenced to death.
186
00:11:41,298 --> 00:11:43,459
Stop the execution!
187
00:11:43,533 --> 00:11:44,898
Oh, thank God!
188
00:11:44,968 --> 00:11:46,936
I knew the prince would change his mind.
189
00:11:47,003 --> 00:11:49,597
No, he was assassinated by his own guards.
190
00:11:49,673 --> 00:11:51,641
But either way, you're free.
191
00:11:51,708 --> 00:11:54,233
Thank you!
192
00:11:54,311 --> 00:11:55,539
Thank you!
193
00:11:56,313 --> 00:11:58,042
Apologies, your highness.
194
00:11:58,114 --> 00:12:01,675
The commoners have revolted
and are demanding your stupid head.
195
00:12:01,751 --> 00:12:03,912
- Kill her!
- Oh, come on!
196
00:12:06,856 --> 00:12:08,517
I just wanted to be a princess!
197
00:12:15,198 --> 00:12:18,133
I guess what I'm saying is
that I'm finally in a place
198
00:12:18,201 --> 00:12:21,466
where I've accepted my body
as being awesome.
199
00:12:21,972 --> 00:12:24,566
And now I just kind of
can't stop masturbating.
200
00:12:25,008 --> 00:12:26,852
'Cause it's not a problem,
like, I don't mind it,
201
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:29,655
I just thought that that would be something
that you would dig hearing about.
202
00:12:29,679 --> 00:12:31,306
'Cause that's like a behavioral...
203
00:12:33,082 --> 00:12:34,082
Are you okay?
204
00:12:34,183 --> 00:12:35,741
I'm fine. Go on.
205
00:12:35,818 --> 00:12:39,845
Okay, cool, 'cause I wanted to tell you
about this unbearable poem
206
00:12:39,922 --> 00:12:42,356
that my mom posted on my Facebook wall.
207
00:12:42,758 --> 00:12:45,318
Like, where she knows everyone will see it.
208
00:12:46,095 --> 00:12:47,289
Did I say something?
209
00:12:47,363 --> 00:12:48,421
No, it's just...
210
00:12:48,497 --> 00:12:50,328
Actually, there is something wrong.
211
00:12:51,267 --> 00:12:56,000
Probably wondering why I canceled
on the last two appointments with you.
212
00:12:56,072 --> 00:12:58,632
No, I just assumed you were having
an abortion.
213
00:12:58,708 --> 00:12:59,766
That's why I cancel.
214
00:12:59,976 --> 00:13:02,137
Or why I'm dressed like this right now?
215
00:13:02,211 --> 00:13:04,509
I love your whole like
sad Stevie Nicks look.
216
00:13:04,580 --> 00:13:07,743
I... I really don't want to violate the
whole doctor-patient,
217
00:13:08,017 --> 00:13:11,077
"You don't tell me anything
and I just talk" thing.
218
00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:13,381
Okay, so my mom's cooze of a poem,
219
00:13:13,456 --> 00:13:14,980
this is how it starts,
220
00:13:15,057 --> 00:13:18,049
"My sacred daughter,
my reason for living..."
221
00:13:18,127 --> 00:13:21,187
Amy, both my parents died.
222
00:13:21,263 --> 00:13:22,753
Oh, my God, are they okay?
223
00:13:23,332 --> 00:13:25,732
No, they're dead.
224
00:13:25,801 --> 00:13:29,168
Yeah, but you know what I mean.
It's just like an expression.
225
00:13:29,538 --> 00:13:32,063
Okay, well, I'm gonna go.
226
00:13:32,141 --> 00:13:33,972
No, Amy, please don't, really.
227
00:13:34,043 --> 00:13:36,705
I just... I need to be back at work, I do.
228
00:13:37,046 --> 00:13:38,809
I'm sorry. Please go ahead, Amy.
229
00:13:38,881 --> 00:13:40,109
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
230
00:13:40,182 --> 00:13:44,744
Maybe you need some time to, like, process
or heal or other words you tell me?
231
00:13:44,820 --> 00:13:47,050
- No, no, I'm...
- Narcissist?
232
00:13:47,123 --> 00:13:49,421
When I have time alone,
233
00:13:49,492 --> 00:13:52,984
I can't stop thinking about how they died.
234
00:13:53,562 --> 00:13:58,693
So, please, you were, um, complaining about
your mother giving you unconditional love.
235
00:13:59,335 --> 00:14:00,335
Go ahead.
236
00:14:02,371 --> 00:14:04,032
Yeah, okay, so...
237
00:14:05,574 --> 00:14:07,337
'Cause I do want to talk about it.
238
00:14:07,510 --> 00:14:08,943
- Okay.
- Okay.
239
00:14:09,011 --> 00:14:13,107
So, my mom, I write to her,
"What was up with that post?"
240
00:14:13,649 --> 00:14:14,946
And then she writes,
241
00:14:15,017 --> 00:14:17,144
"You mean the post
about how much I love you
242
00:14:17,219 --> 00:14:18,652
"and I'm living for you?"
243
00:14:18,721 --> 00:14:21,281
- They both died in a fire.
- Okay.
244
00:14:21,390 --> 00:14:23,984
My parents died in a fire
that they may have started.
245
00:14:24,226 --> 00:14:25,625
I'm gonna get out of here.
246
00:14:25,694 --> 00:14:28,185
No, please, please don't.
This is your time.
247
00:14:28,264 --> 00:14:30,789
I mean, you were already 32 minutes late.
248
00:14:30,866 --> 00:14:32,993
You have 13 minutes left, Amy, go ahead.
249
00:14:33,069 --> 00:14:34,593
- Okay.
- Please.
250
00:14:34,670 --> 00:14:37,138
But you know that I had a really good
excuse for being late.
251
00:14:37,206 --> 00:14:40,073
- Yes.
- It's like Time Warner does not come
252
00:14:40,142 --> 00:14:41,386
when they say they're gonna come.
253
00:14:41,410 --> 00:14:43,002
- Okay.
- So everybody's had a hard day.
254
00:14:43,312 --> 00:14:45,872
Okay, how about I won't
talk about my parents?
255
00:14:45,948 --> 00:14:47,245
- Okay.
- Right?
256
00:14:47,316 --> 00:14:49,294
- Yeah.
- Money, I wanted to talk to you about money.
257
00:14:49,318 --> 00:14:50,318
Oh!
258
00:14:50,386 --> 00:14:53,048
So, all of a sudden, I have too much of it.
259
00:14:53,489 --> 00:14:57,289
And, uh, what else is going on?
I've been getting recognized out the ass.
260
00:14:59,161 --> 00:15:00,253
But this is dumb.
261
00:15:00,329 --> 00:15:01,762
No, it's not dumb.
262
00:15:01,831 --> 00:15:03,608
Your feelings are valid
and it's your feelings.
263
00:15:03,632 --> 00:15:06,100
Please go... Oh, I'm sorry.
264
00:15:06,168 --> 00:15:08,728
I would normally never answer this,
265
00:15:08,804 --> 00:15:10,396
but both my parents just died.
266
00:15:10,473 --> 00:15:11,750
They're dead. They're dead, I know.
267
00:15:11,774 --> 00:15:12,934
Hello?
268
00:15:14,276 --> 00:15:15,903
Yes?
269
00:15:16,312 --> 00:15:17,609
Oh, thank you so much.
270
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:21,707
Yes, I think an evening burial
would be beautiful.
271
00:15:21,784 --> 00:15:23,217
- I'm gonna skip out.
- No.
272
00:15:23,319 --> 00:15:24,843
My mother loved the sunset.
273
00:15:25,488 --> 00:15:28,946
Mmm-hmm. Oh, no, I didn't know.
274
00:15:29,992 --> 00:15:32,586
Their dog died, too? Scrumfy?
275
00:15:33,229 --> 00:15:34,753
Oh, God.
276
00:15:35,097 --> 00:15:36,655
No, no, no, I'll be fine.
277
00:15:36,732 --> 00:15:37,858
Thank you.
278
00:15:37,933 --> 00:15:40,094
Oh, God.
279
00:15:40,469 --> 00:15:41,697
What was that about?
280
00:15:41,770 --> 00:15:43,601
Oh, God!
281
00:15:43,672 --> 00:15:44,969
Hey, are those ashes?
282
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,838
Yes, it's both of my
parents mixed together.
283
00:15:48,043 --> 00:15:51,945
And apparently now we're gonna
have to add little Scrumfy, too.
284
00:15:56,485 --> 00:15:58,476
You've got so much on your plate right now.
285
00:15:58,554 --> 00:16:00,044
No, no, please. I'm sorry.
286
00:16:00,122 --> 00:16:01,487
I'm better. Now look it, see?
287
00:16:01,557 --> 00:16:02,854
I'm okay.
288
00:16:02,925 --> 00:16:06,725
So you were complaining
about being rich and popular.
289
00:16:07,363 --> 00:16:09,695
No, rich, just rich. I...
290
00:16:09,765 --> 00:16:12,859
Is popular the same thing as being famous?
I don't...
291
00:16:17,039 --> 00:16:18,802
I'm definitely gonna go.
292
00:16:18,874 --> 00:16:20,239
Actually, that's a good idea.
293
00:16:20,309 --> 00:16:22,004
I think I came back a little too soon.
294
00:16:22,211 --> 00:16:23,872
- Yeah, okay.
- Amy?
295
00:16:24,413 --> 00:16:26,779
Cherish your mom and your dad.
296
00:16:26,849 --> 00:16:28,942
- Yeah.
- Cherish your parents, Amy.
297
00:16:29,018 --> 00:16:30,383
- I will.
- And your dogs.
298
00:16:30,452 --> 00:16:32,443
'Cause...
299
00:16:33,322 --> 00:16:34,653
Oh, here.
300
00:16:34,723 --> 00:16:35,781
Thank you.
301
00:16:42,531 --> 00:16:43,862
Oh, God!
302
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:45,600
You know, it takes a village.
303
00:16:46,402 --> 00:16:47,801
This too shall pass.
304
00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:50,037
A river runs through it.
305
00:16:50,673 --> 00:16:52,538
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
306
00:16:53,609 --> 00:16:55,509
Every rose has its thorn.
307
00:17:01,517 --> 00:17:04,748
Girl, it's gonna be a stank night, girl!
308
00:17:05,454 --> 00:17:07,012
Yeah, I got that pad thing.
309
00:17:07,122 --> 00:17:08,602
Klonopin's spelled with a "C," right?
310
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:13,205
- You're studying psychology?
- Mmm-hmm.
311
00:17:13,229 --> 00:17:14,973
Have they taught you how
to break up with a patient?
312
00:17:14,997 --> 00:17:17,932
No, I didn't...
I always thought it was the patient
313
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,525
that breaks up with the psychologist.
314
00:17:21,237 --> 00:17:23,603
Oh, all right, well,
maybe it's just me then.
315
00:17:23,672 --> 00:17:24,900
Have you ever been in therapy?
316
00:17:24,974 --> 00:17:26,305
Yeah, I have, yeah.
317
00:17:26,375 --> 00:17:28,775
- Are you still?
- No, I'm not. I got out, yeah.
318
00:17:28,844 --> 00:17:30,021
- How'd you get out?
- They let me out.
319
00:17:30,045 --> 00:17:32,013
- How'd they let you out?
- Uh, I kind of overcame
320
00:17:32,114 --> 00:17:33,342
what I was dealing with.
321
00:17:33,415 --> 00:17:34,541
Are you sure?
322
00:17:34,617 --> 00:17:35,777
- Eh...
- Eh...
323
00:17:35,851 --> 00:17:37,148
- Not really, no.
- Yeah.
324
00:17:37,219 --> 00:17:38,763
I would never talk to you
at a cocktail party.
325
00:17:38,787 --> 00:17:40,966
I would just like be in the corner
playing chess on my phone.
326
00:17:40,990 --> 00:17:42,734
I like that you thought
I would go to a cocktail party.
327
00:17:42,758 --> 00:17:44,038
- Maybe, yeah.
- That sounds fun.
328
00:17:52,034 --> 00:17:54,594
So, EJ, you are rich as fuck.
329
00:17:55,437 --> 00:17:56,768
Yeah, I guess you can say that.
330
00:17:56,839 --> 00:17:59,137
- Your dad is Magic Johnson.
- Mmm-hmm.
331
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:01,108
When did you realize that you were rich?
332
00:18:01,176 --> 00:18:02,768
I think I was in fifth grade,
333
00:18:02,845 --> 00:18:06,110
and I asked for a Louis Vuitton
duffel bag for Christmas.
334
00:18:06,181 --> 00:18:09,378
And then I wrote a poem about it in class.
335
00:18:09,885 --> 00:18:11,682
And then one of my teachers was like,
336
00:18:11,787 --> 00:18:13,948
"Um, I can't allow you to, like..."
337
00:18:14,023 --> 00:18:15,217
Do this to yourself?
338
00:18:15,291 --> 00:18:17,452
"Put this poem like on our,
like, display board
339
00:18:17,559 --> 00:18:19,754
"because, like,
not everyone can afford 'em."
340
00:18:19,828 --> 00:18:21,159
And I was like, "Wait, what?"
341
00:18:21,230 --> 00:18:22,527
My fifth grade teacher, Mrs.
342
00:18:22,598 --> 00:18:26,056
Would have filled that bag with batteries
and beaten me to death with it.
343
00:18:26,135 --> 00:18:28,365
Good lesson. Lesson learned.
344
00:18:28,437 --> 00:18:30,837
Are you like psyched that you're so rich?
345
00:18:30,906 --> 00:18:32,669
You know what, no, I think that, like,
346
00:18:32,741 --> 00:18:35,539
you know, it gives you, like,
certain privileges,
347
00:18:35,611 --> 00:18:39,672
but at the same time, like, I'm more
interested in making my own money.
348
00:18:39,748 --> 00:18:40,942
Do you get bored?
349
00:18:41,016 --> 00:18:42,779
Are you like, "I can have everything."
350
00:18:42,851 --> 00:18:44,751
Like, "Wah, who cares?"
351
00:18:44,820 --> 00:18:47,721
I think that I just, like,
set my own kind of, like, goals
352
00:18:47,790 --> 00:18:50,588
as opposed to just being like,
"Ugh, everything is given to me
353
00:18:50,659 --> 00:18:52,217
"and life is wonderful, darling."
354
00:18:52,294 --> 00:18:53,659
- Right.
- But sometimes
355
00:18:54,029 --> 00:18:55,340
you have to crack the whip on yourself.
356
00:18:55,364 --> 00:18:56,661
Have you ever had a punch card?
357
00:18:56,732 --> 00:18:59,360
Like, "If you get a tenth coffee..."
358
00:18:59,668 --> 00:19:02,796
Yeah, I've gotten a punch card
from, I think it was Subway.
359
00:19:02,871 --> 00:19:04,361
- Yeah?
- A long time ago.
360
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:05,583
Did you ever get the free sub?
361
00:19:05,607 --> 00:19:07,040
- I did.
- Nice.
362
00:19:07,109 --> 00:19:08,838
It was really exciting.
363
00:19:08,911 --> 00:19:10,105
I deserve this.
364
00:19:10,179 --> 00:19:12,443
- I deserve this free sandwich, thank you.
- Yeah.
365
00:19:12,514 --> 00:19:15,381
What's the most expensive item
you've ever gotten as a gift?
366
00:19:15,451 --> 00:19:16,782
Probably like an Hermes bag.
367
00:19:16,852 --> 00:19:18,683
I was saying "Hermies" for years.
368
00:19:18,754 --> 00:19:20,312
I was like, "I want a Hermies."
369
00:19:20,389 --> 00:19:23,290
And people were like, "I'm pretty sure you
already have that, Schumer."
370
00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:25,793
Is that the one where they
kicked Oprah out of the store?
371
00:19:26,095 --> 00:19:28,073
Yeah, I think they did.
Kicked her out of the store.
372
00:19:28,097 --> 00:19:31,294
Can you imagine the balls
to go up and be like, "Oprah..."
373
00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:32,927
I'll tell you, though, like, in Europe,
374
00:19:32,968 --> 00:19:34,979
like, sometimes they just don't
get it with black people.
375
00:19:35,003 --> 00:19:37,643
- What do you mean?
- One time I walked into a Louis Vuitton store,
376
00:19:37,673 --> 00:19:40,073
the wallet like drawer was open,
377
00:19:40,142 --> 00:19:42,320
- but I was, like, standing next to it, looking.
- Okay.
378
00:19:42,344 --> 00:19:43,988
So I could have just, like, reached
over and grabbed one,
379
00:19:44,012 --> 00:19:46,640
but I obviously wasn't going to do that
because I have class.
380
00:19:46,715 --> 00:19:49,741
And, um, one of the sales girls
just came around, closed it,
381
00:19:49,818 --> 00:19:51,115
locked it, and walked away.
382
00:19:51,186 --> 00:19:52,530
- You're kidding.
- Didn't ask if I needed any help.
383
00:19:52,554 --> 00:19:53,646
Oh, yeah, so much shade.
384
00:19:53,722 --> 00:19:55,882
- What did you do?
- We bought everything in the store.
385
00:19:56,125 --> 00:19:58,436
- Yes! That's what I'm talking about.
- That's the only way to do it.
386
00:19:58,460 --> 00:20:00,087
If a waiter's rude to me,
387
00:20:00,162 --> 00:20:02,824
I will tip him a million dollars.
388
00:20:02,898 --> 00:20:04,388
That... Is that right?
389
00:20:04,466 --> 00:20:05,910
If you had no money, all of a sudden,
390
00:20:05,934 --> 00:20:07,902
what would you do for money?
391
00:20:08,337 --> 00:20:09,337
Um...
392
00:20:09,405 --> 00:20:12,033
- I'll tell you what I would do.
- What?
393
00:20:13,709 --> 00:20:14,937
I would be a hooker.
394
00:20:15,010 --> 00:20:16,409
Always try new things.
395
00:20:16,478 --> 00:20:18,002
Um, can I have some money?
396
00:20:18,213 --> 00:20:19,646
Are you really in need?
397
00:20:19,715 --> 00:20:20,807
- No.
- No.
398
00:20:20,883 --> 00:20:23,181
How much money would you feel
comfortable with giving me?
399
00:20:23,585 --> 00:20:25,917
Um, I can give you, like, $20.
400
00:20:25,988 --> 00:20:27,250
- Really?
- Yeah.
401
00:20:27,322 --> 00:20:28,322
Can I have it?
402
00:20:28,390 --> 00:20:30,153
Well, it's, like, not on me, but...
403
00:20:30,225 --> 00:20:31,336
Do you have any questions for me?
404
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:32,470
I want to ask you one question.
405
00:20:32,494 --> 00:20:34,223
I'll answer it if I can wear your glasses.
406
00:20:34,296 --> 00:20:35,490
Okay.
407
00:20:36,298 --> 00:20:37,322
All right.
408
00:20:37,833 --> 00:20:40,393
You look like a sexy, like, librarian.
409
00:20:40,469 --> 00:20:42,869
I look like Mr. Magoo.
410
00:20:42,938 --> 00:20:44,963
So where do you see yourself in 10 years?
411
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,400
Dead.
412
00:20:47,075 --> 00:20:49,202
I believe that.
413
00:20:52,681 --> 00:20:54,546
- You ever been to the Konk?
- Mmm!
414
00:20:55,884 --> 00:20:58,409
You're a fucking asshole.
Did Kim say to say that?
415
00:20:58,487 --> 00:20:59,749
Did Kim say to say that?
416
00:20:59,822 --> 00:21:01,119
So easy.
417
00:21:01,190 --> 00:21:02,487
Mmm, magic.
418
00:21:04,059 --> 00:21:06,027
My mother is dead
419
00:21:06,094 --> 00:21:08,119
And my father is dead
420
00:21:08,297 --> 00:21:11,289
And my brother and sister
421
00:21:11,366 --> 00:21:13,994
And friends and cousins
422
00:21:14,069 --> 00:21:17,334
And acquaintances are dead
30919
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