All language subtitles for inside.amy.schumer.3e06.dvdrip.x264-ingot

No, I understand.

No, I'm re-sending the whole
packet in a zip file.

Hello?

Oh, okay.

I am so overwhelmed by my job.

Sounds like someone
needs the '80s Ladies.

We're '80s Ladies, walking with purpose

They're sexy and professional

'80s Ladies!

They work in an office
and date Michael Douglas

Can women really have it all?

'80s Ladies!

Feathered hair and leaving
your baby with three strange men

'80s Ladies!

No wonder you aren't
getting any work done.

You don't have a proper phone.

Here, try this.

You can use it while
you're sitting here at the desk, or...

- Walk over to the window.
- Better, right?

Want a smoke? You'll feel better.

Oh, no... Yeah, why not?

Here's the number for my analyst.
He's very good.

And a total stud, too.

Thanks, '80s Ladies!

Oh, there's no area code.

Screw it.

My diaphragm itches.

We're '80s Ladies, walking with purpose

They only ever wear lingerie

Even when they're home alone

Sigourney Weaver!

The universe.

For centuries,
humankind has strived to understand

this vast expanse
of energy, gas, and dust.

In recent years, a stunning
breakthrough has been made

in our concept
of what the universe is for.

So, I was texting
while I was driving,

and I ended up
taking a wrong turn

that took me directly past
a vitamin shop.

And I was just, like,

"This is totally the universe
telling me I should be taking calcium."

- Oh, my God.
- Right?

Universe.

Scientists once believed

the universe was a chaotic
collection of matter.

We now know the universe
is essentially a force

sending cosmic guidance
to white women in their 20s.

So, you know how I've been
fucking my married boss

- for, like, six months?
- Mmm-hmm.

Well, I was starting to get really worried
he was never gonna leave his wife.

But then, yesterday in yoga,

the girl in front of me was wearing a shirt

that just said, "Chill."

And I was just, like,
"This is so the universe telling me,

"'Girl, just, like,
keep fucking your married boss."'

Right?

Try to imagine the universe
as a giant dream board

on which women pin their wishes.

- I have been looking everywhere...
- Mmm.

...for an apricot puggle.
- Mmm.

And they're, like,
almost impossible to find.

I just decided I'm gonna just
put it out into the universe,

and if it was meant to be,
it will manifest itself, you know?

The universe is totally
gonna bring you an apricot puggle.

Like, last year when I left my job
to start a mitten company,

I put my dream out into the universe
by making a mitten Pinterest page.

I am dying
to buy mittens from you.

Yeah, so I haven't
started making them yet,

but I would love to stay with you,
until things pick up.

The universe...

How hard could it be
to make just one mitten?

They don't even have fingers.

Did you know
that in our galaxy alone

there are over 500 million planets
capable of supporting life?

And that sometimes the
universe creates a coincidence

just so a publicist at Aeropostale
will have a realization?

So, I was, like, totally trying to watch
this episode of New Girl,

but it was preempted by this news coverage
of this terrible cyclone,

where, like, everybody died,
it was so annoying.

Then I just thought, like,
this is the universe's way

of telling me,
"You watch New Girl on Hulu anyway.

"Don't pay for cable,
save your money for in-app purchases."

That just makes no fucking sense.
I mean, that's just bullshit.

Fuck!

Oh, my.
My, my, my.

Okay, I know I've said
a lot of horrible things,

but I am a very good person.

I just adopted a rescue pug.
That's sweet, right?

Thank you.

Oh, wait, no, I'm sorry.
I bought a pair of Uggs.

I'm sorry, what did I say?

I knew I was at a store and I was like,
"You're coming home with me."

But it was shoes.

Yeah, that's how you do it, folks.

That's how you do it here
at Johnny Utah's, all right!

You two are wearing
color contacts, right?

No.

- No, why?
- Then God is a dick!

- Why would God...
- Why?

Because when he made
your guys' eyes so beautiful,

he was basically saying, "F you"
to every other girl in the world.

Yeah.

So, you guys
gonna ride the bull?

- No.
- Definitely.

Awesome!
Lame.

Hey, Kev, what's up, bro?

Why would anyone ride the bull?

So people can see what you
look like when you fuck.

That's the point.

My cousin got married from that.
Hold this.

- Whoo, she's going for it.
- Yeah, she's gonna...

Uh-oh, looks like we got ourselves

another cowgirl, boys.

Let her hear it. Oh, nice mount!

Mmm!

Ooh, ay, Chihuahua!

I wouldn't mind coming back
as that saddle, eh, boys?

About ready to order myself a T-bone.

Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Let her hear it, boys! Let her hear it!

Not bad, little lady, not bad.

Can I be honest?
I legitimately got a boner watching you.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

Me too.
I'm gonna ride that bull's dick off.

- All right!
- Go girl, yeah!

That's the spirit!

Hey, two cowgirls in a row!

Looks like we got ourselves
a taco party filled with clam meat!

And she's off!

Here she goes, yeah.

Not quite as
gracefully on this one, boys.

That was embarrassing.

Oh!

Okay, okay. Oh, God.

Round and round she goes!

Sir...

That, uh...
Whoa.

Sir...

- Sir!
- Oh!

"None for me," says the bull.

Was that hot?

That's a hard pass.

- Amy?
- Am I hot?

I can't gauge the crowd.
I can't get a feel for the room.

You have 20 seconds left on your turn.
Make it count.

- But it's hot, right?
- Yeah, so hot.

- Everybody wants to fuck me?
- Yeah, everybody.

- You're beautiful.
- It's hot?

Do it! Come on, girl, get it!

I got this.
I got this.

Having a little trouble.

And, uh...
There we go, yep!

All right, here we go, boys,
she's taking it for another run!

I got this.

Is this the same as when my friend did it?

- Always the same!
- Ahhh! I got this.

Whoo!

Ahhh!

Oh, fuck!

Whoo!

I got it now, girl!

I know,
I know it's been a month,

but I'm just not over him yet.

I'm so bummed.

Hold on, Kate.

I'm hearing a weird noise.

Hey, Laura, sorry to hear about Mark.

What a schmuck.

We've got just the thing.

- Here.
- What's this for?

It's your microphone, silly.

And we're gonna need
to get you some bangs!

Something 'bout you
just feels too good to be true

To be true, ooh, ooh, ooh

It seems that you are
perfect for me

But there's some other guy
that's got my heart on hold

There's something 'bout you

I don't know why,
but I feel so much better.

Thanks, '80s Ladies!

Mmm! Mmm!

We're '80s Ladies, walking with purpose

They shave their legs, not their bush

And they run for Congress

'80s Ladies!

I believe it was my mentor,
the great Bill Cosby, who said...

"Drink this."

Now, it really lets you know
where you stand with people.

If someone's like,
"Well, I don't know."

It's like, oh, okay, just...

I'm going to take you
out of my phone, that's insane.

But the statute of limitations
is pretty much... It's over.

Like, there's not...
But I'm like, "If he gets to 50 women,

"can he just, like,
do community service?"

Just once, have to put on a vest
and pick up litter.

In conclusion,
the evidence clearly points to guilt.

The prosecution rests.

Whoo!

That was already fun, wasn't it?
Right?

Did everybody feel happy just now?
You remember?

I know I did.

We've heard an awful lot from the prosecution
over the last few weeks

about stuff that may or may not
have "happened."

All these women.

Same story. Same facts.

Repetitive.

And how'd that feel to listen to?
Bleh, right?

But how do you feel
when I play this?

Theo, did you get your ear pierced?

Uh, nope.

So, I guess you're just doing
an amazing impression of Swiss cheese?

Did anyone feel raped by that?

How 'bout drugged?

No?
Me neither.

I felt comforted
by a familiar father figure.

Nostalgia.

Happiness.

Laughter. Not guilty!
Let's break this down logically.

I am a good person.
I like this good show.

Like, last time I checked,
good plus good did not equal guilty.

Objection,
what did she even check?

I just checked!

Defense is talking about
a TV show she likes.

I'm talking about
a beloved show that we love.

Overruled.

I mean, I'm basically talking about
Dr. Huxtable, right?

We are not!

- I said, "Basically."
- Overruled.

Seems like we're gonna be here a while
with all these objections.

Would anybody like
a pudding pop?

Oh, wow! Would you look at that?

It's unanimous.

How could the face of such a yummy treat
even do anything bad?

I mean,
how would that even work?

Objection!

Overruled.

Delicious treat, right?

Cold though.

Look under your seats.
What a fun snack.

What a fun sweater.

Ladies and gentlemen,
at this point,

Bill Cosby probably
can't get in any legal trouble.

That's not what this is about.

This is about us not punishing ourselves
for loving great comedy.

This is a court of public opinion, right?

Let's remind ourselves
what's at stake here.

If convicted, the next time you put on
a re-run of The Cosby Show,

you may wince a little.

You might feel a little pang.

And none of us deserve that.
We don't deserve to feel that pang.

We deserve to dance
like no one's watching.

And watch like no one's raping.

The defense rests!

All right, I think,
before we adjourn...

Excuse me,
I got a delivery for the jury.

- Oh!
- It's from a B. Cosby.

You can put it right here.
Nobody minds.

Oh, my God.
It's chocolate cake.

Huh, do we all feel like
going a little nuts right now?

I know I do.

Cos' is great
Give us chocolate cake, ooh!

Cos' is great, we want chocolate cake

Cos' is great
Give us some chocolate cake

Cos' is great...

Miss Schumer, Cosby wanted
to thank you for defending him.

How long are you gonna be back here?

I don't know, a month or two?

Oh, my God, if you told me at 33
I'd be divorced six times,

after seven abortions,
living back with my mom?

Seven seems like a lot.

Yeah, they really sneak up on you.
They're like Pringles.

Why can't I meet the right guy?

Because they're not out there.

I just want a nice guy,
no more sex addicts or narcissists.

It's never a good idea to date somebody
who's just like you.

I just want a smart, funny guy
who loves me, for me.

- A sweet guy who's gentle.
- Really strong too, right?

Oh, yeah, with Herculean strength.
But not jacked. Just cut.

Yeah, cut like poor people.

- But, I mean, he has money.
- Mmm.

He has money.
But he's like self-made,

it's from his own thing.

Get up for one second.

I want to make a list
on this strange '80s computer

that's been on all these years.

Just keep describing.

Okay, uh, like, an artist type?

But not actually an artist,
like Bono's chiropractor.

In that world,
but not of that world.

Respects my independence,
but doesn't let me pay for anything.

Right, evolved.

But if someone looks at me
even slightly wrong,

he just, like,
flies into a violent rage.

Huge hands, like the BFG.

Huge cock, no balls.

Yeah, but a good listener.

Yes, oh, my God!

Huge dick.

- I got it.
- Well, maybe put it all in CAPS.

Why can't I have guy
who'll just listen to my dreams

and fuck me like an ex-con?

- Rough hands.
- Mmm.

- Strong tongue.
- Mmm.

- Weak eyelids.
- Mmm.

- No family.
- Mmm.

What's so wrong with wanting someone
who's got a Pope Francis-like soul,

and Hugh Jackman arms,
and a dong that causes heartburn?

Heart of gold, horse of cock.
What's the big deal here?

- He loves his mom.
- But she's dead.

And he's so over it.

Huge dick.

I wrote, "Big dick,"
do you wanna come see it?

It's just one relationship after another.
I am so sick of this!

What's going on here?

- Oh, my God!
- Amy!

Oh, my God!
What did you do?

I don't know!
I must have hit a couple wrong keys

and Weird Science'd it
when I hacked into the Pentagom.

I'm scared!

Oh, my God!

I can't believe it.

He's perfect!

Is that a wedding ring?

We can't win!

Great dick, though.

Describe your perfect guy.

Stands up for pregnant women
on the subway?

Someone thought I was pregnant
on the subway the other day.

And I, like, sat down confused.
And then I was like, oh, my God, maybe I am!

Can you describe
your perfect woman?

Large titas.

Makes me food
any hour of the day.

And, uh, I don't know, that's it,
that's pretty much it.

Is that also how you
would describe your mom?

Oh!

Excuse me,
do you have this in a medium?

No.

Big mistake!
Huge!

You can't treat her like that
just 'cause she's a hooker!

Oh, I'm actually not a hooker.

Filthy whores have feelings, too.

Really, I think they just
don't have a medium.

We'll pay for whatever you want,
Tanya.

It's time for you to go on
a little shopping spree.

How do you have
Richard Gere's credit card?

He's our boyfriend!

And we stole it!

We're '80s Ladies, walking with purpose

They think hookers

'80s Ladies!

Should be treated
the same as everyone else

They walk down the street
and run into Seinfeld

They're gonna steal
his credit card

'80s Ladies!

Did you have an '80s crush?
What about Molly Ringwald?

No, I'm not quite old enough
for Molly Ringwald.

Um, I'm 33, and I would eat her out
like it was my fucking job.

Fuck, marry, kill. Steve Guttenberg,
Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, go.

Ted Danson.

No, you have to...

You gotta pick...

You're gonna fuck, marry,
and then kill Ted Danson?

We're gonna do all that
in one night.

Be careful, Ted Danson,
she's coming for you.

- So, Michelle, you are a psychic.
- Yes, I am.

We're shooting in a bar in Red Hook.

- Yeah.
- Are there dead people here?

Yes, this is an old, old place.

Who's here?

Are any of them, like,
checking me out?

Always. Isn't everyone
always checking you out?

I hope so!

Why do people want
this woman on Long Island

to talk to dead people so much?

- Death is kind of the great mystery still, right?
- Mmm-hmm.

And I think that it's something
that touches us all in a personal way.

So, the work that mediums do
around death and dying,

I think is very healing for people.

What if it's someone that
you don't wanna hear from?

Like, my grandma and I
never really hit it off.

- Mmm.
- Um, narcissist.

- Right.
- I'm talking about myself.

- Oh.
- And, uh...

No, she was, like, the worst.

And so, if she came
and wanted to talk to me,

I'd be like,
"Uh, like, I'm busy."

Do people...
Are people ever getting in touch

where they're like,
"I don't wanna talk to him"?

Yes, actually, those are the people
that want to come through the most.

Because anybody who has
unfinished business,

those are the people that are like,

"You know, I'm really sorry
about that one time that I..."

- I get people that...
- "...came on your foot."

- Yeah, or like abusers, right?
- Yeah.

Where did the whole
crystal ball thing come from?

- Gypsies, real gypsies.
- Oh.

And crystal ball is used...
It's a technique called scrying.

- And it's been used...
- A guy did that to me in college.

Still can't walk right.

- Wait, "scrying," it's called?
- It's called scrying, right.

Like, Nostradamus was a scryer.

Do you know, um,
Nastradamus, the rapper?

I... Not personally.
I would like to though.

Me too.

- Who is this in Ghost, okay?
- Mmm-hmm.

"Leon, do you like it?
It's autumn sunrise."

Yes, that woman.

He was like,
"Damn, baby, what'd you do to your hair?"

Yes!

- Best part of Ghost.
- Best part.

What am I thinking about
right now?

Mmm.

I'm sending it to you.

Do people ever
do this to you at a party?

Yes!

Ready?

Your drink that
you haven't touched?

My sandwich I ate for lunch.

I'm not good with
the telepathy with you.

I drank so much last night
that there's probably nothing to get.

Can you tell me, like,
a thing about myself?

You keep making jokes about,
like, your love life.

I feel like you have
to be patient.

Sometimes we end up getting
things that we deserve

when we wait
and hold out, right?

- I mean, you're a bit...
- "Hold out," what is that?

Be patient and be open.

I'm too open.

Oh, my God!

- Amy!
- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- Amy!

Oh, my God!

- Amy, what did you do?
- I don't know, I...

Oh, my God!

Amy!

Cut!

So easy.

Mmm, magic.

Hi, I'm Kurt Metzger.
You know,

people think '80s computers are a joke,

but North Korea used them
to destroy the Sony empire.

This is Season 3 of
Inside Amy Schumer.